Week 3 thoughts from Theatreland

Hello! As I have reached the end of week 3 in my run in the West End, here are more thoughts. This is becoming to turn into a series that can be treated as letters to young people thinking about going into acting. Here's something I realized: theatre is so unforgiving - in TV a bad cut hits the cutting room floor, but when we have a bad night, the audience gets a bad show. When you perform the same show night after night, sometimes you want to try something slightly different to push the scene in a different direction to see if you can discover something new in the scene.

This has split the cast into two camps here - there is one camp who are happy to try new stuff and there is the other camp who are vehemently against trying anything new  As for the director, well first he tells us that we should feel free to explore different and new ways that may work and take the scene to new heights - but the moment we try something that didn't work, he comes down on us like a ton of bricks. And talk about mixed signals. It's like me going to your house lunch and you ask me what I would like to eat. I reply, "You can cook anything for me... as long as it is food I like."

So here's the situation I am in - so I do have permission to try new stuff as long as it is new stuff that the director likes, but since we're already in the middle of the run (no more rehearsals at this stage), the only way to try something new is during the show. However, how do I know if something works before I try it? Anyway, after what has happened this week, I'm not going to try anything new - which is a shame but he doesn't want to risk me trying anything new at this stage. You know, in hindsight, I can put my hand up and admit what I tried didn't work at all - but I didn't realize that he was gonna get this upset over me trying something different that didn't come across effectively.

Do I dare to try anything new in this production now?

He was saying, "You were so strong in that scene, why did you take it in a different direction?" And I told him, "Well my fellow cast members told me they didn't really like what I was doing and I should try something new, so I was trying something new." Next thing you know, I get this big rant from him about, "I am the director, it is my show, you listen to me, you do not change anything because so-and-so told you it didn't work or she didn't like it etc." Ooh boy.

Well it wasn't just me who got told of for trying something new that didn't work - another colleague Calvo was also berated for the same thing. I shrugged it off and went for sandwiches & coffee with my buddy Jessica after that, but Calvo looked totally devastated that the director hated what he was doing. Perhaps that's the other side of taking pride in your work - is Calvo taking too much pride in his work, is that why he got so upset when he was criticized? Or is it me who has this heck-care bochup (couldn't be bothered) attitude when it comes to my work? Am I guilty of not taking enough pride in what I do as an actor? Is there a balance to be struck here between taking pride in your work and allowing yourself to get it wrong sometimes without being too hard on yourself?

Do you take pride in the work you do?

I had the chance to speak to someone whom I had invited to see the show and he was able to point out four members of cast who stood out for him - that meant that the other 25 actors did not leave an impression on him. Of course, as I had invited him to the show, he felt obliged to include me as one of the four actors he noticed, but it just left me with the thought that even amongst the cast of 29, some of us are obviously more talented than others. I wouldn't say it's exactly their fault if they didn't stand out in the show - after all, they were confined to the roles they were playing and it was not like some kind of talent show where everyone tries to outdo the other contestants. But this just made me think: does it matter? It's a job for them at the end of the day and they're obviously doing something they enjoy - shouldn't that be enough? Do they have to get to play the leading role before they are happy? Whom am I to judge?

Maybe that's just me, someone who is so driven to get good results in anything I do. I was so mad at myself when I did badly at a mock diving competition today, my coach thought it would be a good idea to give out scores for our dives today just to give us an idea of what we'll score. I messed up a fairly simple front pike dive. I overcooked it went in practically back first with an almighty splash - my coach gave me a 2/10 for that massive back-splat (which was admittedly quite generous already). I was so angry with myself for a while. Then I have to stop myself and say, it's no big deal - there are no prizes and this ain't a real competition. Why did I have to take it all so seriously?

I choose to dive... but that means giving up time to do other things.

Perhaps it was because there was an opportunity cost for me when I decided to try my hand at acting at the age of 28 - there were other things I could have done with my adult life but I decided to dedicate time, money and effort to see if I could make it as a professional actor. That was why I have put such pressure on myself to be good at anything I put my hand on - my time is precious, there is always an opportunity cost. If I am diving, that means there's something else I have given up to make time to dive. Likewise for my acting - this is why I demand results of myself. If I am going to try to do something, I must do it well - otherwise why did I bother in the first place?

I've seen a close friend of mine take a very different attitude - she is a successful professional in her 40s who likes to try something different all the time. I've seen her try her hand at various sports, musical instruments and foreign languages and she isn't good at any of those. I've tried playing tennis with her once and she was hopeless even after having had loads of lessons - does it bother her? No it doesn't, not in the least - she is having fun trying out new things and her lack of 'results' doesn't change the fact that she is enjoying those new experiences. After all, she has already proven herself professionally in her job (which she does extremely well and gets paid a lot of money for) - so who cares if she sucks at tennis or any other sport?

Maybe I should learn to chill and relax a bit more. Okay, it's gone midnight, I need to go to bed, over and out.