You know what? You always feel that someone has got your back in Singapore. We place a lot of emphasis on reliability and soberness when choosing friends, while those who are too ‘fun and interesting’ are often seen as superficial and unaware of the social landscape. We are uncomfortable with having fun by ourselves if our friends aren’t. Say that you want to get something done for the group and someone will come to help you without even being asked. When conversations run dry in uneasy social situations, we try with authentic earnestness to help each other keep it going. But we also understand the value of an appropriate and thoughtful silence in the middle of a conversation.
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| The rules of friendship are the same anywhere in the world. |
Those of us who moved to foreign countries, especially Western ones, would often feel that they are being let down by their foreign friends. At work, you might take a bullet for the team, thinking that they would reciprocate it someday, only to find out that they are thinking that you did it out of interest in the work. At social gatherings, you may find yourself grasping for attention and space, as your companions may not believe that making you feel included is also their responsibility.
Yes, Singaporean conversations are sometimes nothing more than safe idle banter, and we are not the most extravagant or interesting of folks. But at least in our island state, you could rest easy knowing that you would never have to fight for safe, amiable company.
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| How do you come across to your friends? |
Relationships are all about give & take - treat others well and they will treat you well in return. This rules applies regardless of your nationality or where you live or whom you are dealing with. There are loads of basic rules about being nice to others and how we should treat those we live with, work with and deal with on a daily basis. As for the example Kungie gave about taking a bullet for the team - ha! I am guessing this writer MUST be a Singaporean woman because any Singaporean man who has served NS would have seen plenty of backstabbing during his NS. Like seriously, is this Kungie for real? Has Kungie not seen Singaporeans viciously stab each other in their backs for personal gain? I've seen so much backstabbing all throughout my student days, my NS days and the same kind of backstabbing shit happen to my two sisters who are still living and working in Singapore - heck, have a read of the comments below from my readers who feel the same way about Singaporean society.
Now working abroad is no easy task - there may be cultural barriers to overcome, I am speaking as someone who has just returned from a stint working in Belgium (akan datang: I am preparing a post about it as we speak). Of course it is not easy, but once again, I go back to be golden rule of give & take - always be prepared to treat others with respect, courtesy and grace and they may treat you well too. Always be a good judge of character - you will never get along with everyone and you don't need to, but you should be able to identify the people who like you and will become good friends. As for the others, just accept that you may never become close friends with them as you have too little in common but you should still maintain a cordial working relationship with them. In my time in Belgium, I identified three people whom I really liked and got along well with - and I know I will stay in touch with them for a long time to come because we were very much on the same wavelength on so many issues. As for the rest, it was nice working with them but I just accept that I may never speak to them again and that's fine. It's not a popularity contest and I feel very lucky to have made three very good friends during my stint in Belgium.
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| Yes linguistic and cultural barriers can be overcome with some effort. |
Kungie's perspective is so simplistic: Singapore = good, Angmoh = bad. Yeah right. As if life was that straight forward and simple. This is the kind of stupid, simplistic bullshit that people like my parents would believe in. Those of us who have dealt with the complexities and confusions of life will know that such simplistic views of the world are plain false and in this case, I do wonder what Kungie has against the Dutch (that's where s/he is at the moment, Holland). Let me ask the obvious questions Kungie: Kun je spreken Nederlands? Hoe goed is uw Nederlands? Ben je vloeiend in het Nederlands? (Can you speak Dutch? How good is your Dutch? Are you fluent in Dutch?)
I am not fluent in Dutch, heck, I only speak a little Dutch but I am totally fluent in French having studied at a French university and worked 8 years for a French company. I was working in Liège, Belgium where French was the language of the company - but as Liège is near the border with Flanders and Holland, there were a number of Dutch first-language speakers in the company. I always, always spoke French or Dutch with my colleagues - I never ever used any English unless the other person I was dealing with was from an English speaking country like the UK or Jamaica. Let me guess: Kungie is not fluent in Dutch - it takes about 3,000 hours of studying to become properly fluent in a foreign language and it is a process that takes years of dedication to really get there. Practically all Belgians study English from a young age at school and the standard of English was very high amongst those I worked with - only those who are very old (say above the age of 60) wouldn't speak any English. That is the same situation in the Netherlands where the Dutch also speak English very well - but make no mistake, English is the foreign language they use to communicate with the rest of the world, but Dutch is their first language and preferred language of communication.
I contrast that to the other British people working there who made virtually no effort to try to speak any Dutch or French with the local Belgians - sure the local Belgians were friendly enough to them, but I did feel that I was treated a bit better than the Brits who spoke neither Dutch nor French. I was able to participate in their conversations, without them feeling the need to switch over to English - I was able to laugh at their jokes when they were told in French whilst my British colleagues stared blanked face at me as if to say, "could you translate that for me please? I didn't understand a word of that but that seemed very funny as you French-speakers are all laughing."
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| Can you share a joke with your friends in their language? |
How much is Kungie willing to give before expecting to take from the Dutch? It seems ironic that Kungie does go on to talk about language in Singapore - and I quote from his/her article:
This January, while I was sitting in Jurong Point’s bus stop, I overheard a Singaporean Chinese auntie chatting with her (apparently close) Singaporean Malay friend. Neither spoke each other’s mother tongue, but when together, they conversed so tenderly in Singlish, carefully enquiring about each other’s family with such lovely accommodation for each other’s cultural background, that the mild lack of spiritedness in the dialogue became irrelevant. It was indeed a charming and beautiful moment to behold. Only in Singapore can races and cultures somehow interweave and cross-pollinate without chaotic detonation.
In Singapore, many Chinese-Singaporeans are very pissed off with PRC migrants who refuse to speak any English. It's not like these Chinese-Singaporeans are unable to converse with these PRCs in Mandarin - most are perfectly capable of holding a conversation in Mandarin with these PRCs after years of studying Chinese at school. The bone of contention is that English/Singlish is the lingua franca in Singapore - not Mandarin and if these PRCs expect the locals to welcome and accept them, then they should make an effort to learn and speak English/Singlish. It boils down to what signals you are sending to the people you are trying to reach out to and the PRCs are sending all the wrong vibes to the Singaporeans by refusing to speak English/Singlish - now I am guessing that Kungie is probably doing exactly the same thing in Holland by refusing to speak Dutch to the locals and defaulting to English instead.
I witnessed the same shit when I was working in Prague and saw the Chinese community there guilty of the exact same stupid attitude. I was working in Prague (in the Czech Republic) on a short contract, yet I had managed to learn far more Czech than some of those Chinese migrant workers who had been there for years - and they had the cheek to accuse the locals of being racist and unfriendly. WTF. Like dude, are you for real?
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| If you move to another country, you must learn the local language. |
You know what the saddest part of Kungie is? S/he is guilty of believing that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Nah, Kungie, it doesn't work like that. You go back to Singapore and you will encounter the same kinda bullshit you encountered in Holland - unless you're willing to make an effort and invest in your relationships, nothing's going to change. Do you know why? 'Cos it's not the people around you, the problem lies with you Kungie. Yeah, it's all your fault. You're the root of the problem. - you take, take, take and you are not prepared to give; and yet you have the audacity to play the victim's card and imagine that it is somehow not your fault? Good grief.
The fact that Kungie is this deluded confused soul who wrote this blog post is ... Kungie expressing his/her right to express himself/herself, fair enough. But for the TOC to reblog it in this "yeah angmors = bad, Singaporeans = good" spirit, now that's just bullshit man. The TOC has really let itself down in choosing to reproduce this article without even criticizing just how misguided and one-sided it really is. Tut tut.
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| Yes Kungie, it's not the Dutch - it's you. |
Is life in Europe easy? Of course not, there are plenty of challenges and problems to deal with (don't get me started with some of the stuff on my to-do list that I have to deal with this week! Aiyoh!) - some of these are just different problems from the ones one faces in Singapore, whilst others like the way we negotiate our relationships with our friends and colleagues are so fundamental that the same rules apply anywhere in the world. However, it is important not to fall into the trap of imagining that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence whether you are in Europe or Singapore. Thinking like that does you no favours whatsoever.
As usual, comments, rebuttals etc - leave a comment below, dank je wel.
Update: Please read Winking Doll's brilliant follow up!
Just curious: how do you learn foreign languages usually? I'm trying my best to learn French now.
ReplyDeleteHi Kenneth, modesty aside, I speak 10 languages: http://limpehft.blogspot.co.uk/2011/11/foreign-languages-chapter-3-syndrome.html
DeleteHi Limpeh, more than aware of your prodigious talent! I wanted to know more about your specific methods: what kind of audiotapes/books/flashcards do you use, besides getting lots of practice in native speaking?
DeleteOh - I believe the most important aspect of learning any language is speaking, speak speak speak and speak some more, even if it is ungrammatical, badly mispronounced and hard to understand: keep speaking and keep using it. This was the way I learnt Welsh and it was stunningly effective: I used a programme called SaySomethingInWelsh and their formula is very simple. They would introduce a new grammar structure + some vocab and then they will give you drills that go like this: first they will say the statement in English like: "I need to go to the hospital with my mother tomorrow morning" and then you have like 4 seconds to translate that into Welsh before the teacher will then give you the answer, "Mae rhaid i fi mynd mewn ysbyty gyda fyn mam i yfory bore." I can then compare and see if what I said matches the teacher's version and how close to the answer I was.
DeleteIt may feel like a long translation exercise - but they recognize that English is your first language and it is the language of instruction, so when you are trying to speak Welsh, you are going to come up with what you wanna say in English first then translate it into Welsh. After a year, you should be able to construct sentences in French without going via English - but in the beginning, yeah it's a lot of translation involved when you are formulating sentences.
What you need is to get a fluent French speaker hit you with fairly complex and challenging English sentences and expect you to translate them into French within a very short time (say 3-4 seconds), to replicate this process of sentence construction in your head and making your brain perform this task more and more efficiently until you're doing it subconsciously at such an amazing speed that you're no longer thinking about it - you're just doing it automatically and before you know it, you're producing long complex sentences in French, expressing complicated ideas without much effort.
The other component is understanding French people when they speak quickly - that's really difficult and what I do with Welsh is I watch Welsh TV with WELSH subtitles (not English), so I can also read and match what I hear to what I read, it really helps. Can you get hold of French movies with French (not English) subtitles?
It's only a bit less straightforward I think: opensubtitles should have subtitles for French movies.
DeleteThanks for sharing how you do it! What I've been trying to do is using a flashcard web application called Memrise to memorise the vocabulary and basic sentences, but after a month or so, I have basic French vocab down, but little in the way of speaking or listening.
I'll be trying to find a similiar program in French then. The closest I can think of is the Michel Thomas audio series, where he has the same grammatical teaching method. I'll just keep timing myself to make it faster.
Oh yeah, the problem with subtitles is that it tends to be in English for those who don't understand the language. Imagine if you had a Russian film with Russian subtitles and you didn't speak Russian, not gonna do you much good, is it? But if you did speak Russian, then why do not you need subtitles in the first place? So it's really hard to get subtitles in the language of the film - it is done in Welsh TV to allow learners to follow and understand more, but not sure where/how you can get French subtitles for French movies/TV.
DeleteI think that language is not merely something to be written and read - but the way our brain processes the information is audio rather than visual. So for example, if I want to remember what a panda looks like, it is entirely visual, my brain would conjure up an image of a very cute panda. But if I asked you what the word in Mandarin for panda, your brain would conjure up the sound of the word 'Xióngmāo' a lot faster than you can dig up the Chinese characters 熊猫 or even the hanyupinyin of Xióngmāo.
Likewise, in French - it's never quite pronounced the way it is spelt in English, take a simple word like poulet. We say "poo-lay" and the T is silent. So if you tried to memorize the spelling of poulet, you would then have to mentally disengage the silent T before pronouncing it. So I feel that memorizing the spelling rather than the audio, the sound file - would slow you down. Sure you need to spell at some stage, but you need to work on two levels - reading/writing and oral and the latter is much, much harder.
In places like Korea and Japan, most students study English for many years but still struggle with basic conversation - this is because their exam system tests them on written exams, with hardly any emphasis on oral communication. So you get Japanese people who can read websites and books in English with ease but struggle to tell you where the nearest train station is.
Another major challenge with French is the problem of liaisons and contractions - oh it confused me a lot until I was able to mentally chop up the individual words when I hear a sentence in French. Let's take something really easy like orange juice = jus d'orange. Now when you hear that, you have to mentally figure out that it is juice of orange, and then put the ' between the d and the orange to make d'orange - cos what you hear is effectively "doronge" and you just have to figure it out from the context. And even something like "the oranges" = les oranges but you hear "lay zoronge" and you may think, huh, what's zoronge? It starts with a Z? Again, you have to mentally de-couple the words to figure out where the liaison is.
That's why I feel that the key point is to store in your brain the mp3 aduio file for French words, rather than rely on spelling - does that make sense? It's the difference between storing the word as an mp3 file vs a doc/txt file.
The fact that you are English speaking further adds to your confusion with French - take a word like 'sang' (blood), it is a false friend as you think you recognize a word that is familiar but not only does it mean something different, it also sounds more like 'song' (with a truncated g) - so in such cases, it is important to remember how it sounds like because just remembering the spelling may cause you to mispronounce it if you're not conversing in French regularly. Hence that's why I say, store it in your brain as an mp3 file, rather than a txt file.
DeleteIt sounds a little more than stupid. I have lived abroad in countries where English is the main language of communication(America and Canada), and although accentual differences might come up at times, I think that communication was never a problem between me and the locals. Even in Japan where I am currently handicapped in Japanese and can barely survive with the reading of Japanese characters at best, I think that it is a willingness to invest in relationships outside of the workplace that makes a difference, namely in places like church and so on. Sure, I might dislike Japan and my work there, but it does not stop me from making friends , some of whom are better than those I know back in Singapore. And also, I think that 'Kungie' poster borders on the verge of delusion, because I have seen way too much backbiting , selfishness and evil in Singapore to even want to make it a place to live in permanently. I don't know how he or she arrived at those assumptions which you posted about......what kind of world was she living in in Singapore to make it out to be some utopia????!!!!
ReplyDeleteHi Kevin, thanks for your comment - yeah there are two main points to my article are: 1) Kungie is simplistic and clearly believes that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, 2) the TOC are guilty of publishing a shitty article simply because of its "Angmors = bad, S'poreans = good" slant. Who the hell decides what articles to publish on the TOC anyway? Singapore is not without her merits of course, Kungie's article is just like WTF so ridiculous that I simply HAD to write my piece.
DeleteHi LIFT,
ReplyDelete> "is this Kungie for real?"
Hahah, precisely my thought. Anyway, my point-by-point "2 cents" exceeded the 4,096 characters limit, so I write in in my blog instead.
http://winkingdoll.blogspot.ca/2013/01/in-reply-to-toc-why-many-dont-leave-and.html
Cheers, WD.
Oooooh read it, loved it, thanks WD :)
DeleteThanks, LIFT! I was inspired by your piece. :) WD
Deleteyes, i agree completely. when i was living in thailand, l learned to speak thai and immediately people open up. we must always respect the local languages and culture, and then we can earn their respect in return.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your reply! Yes, right on - agreed.
DeleteLike I said, it's not that the Dutch don't speak English - they are right up there with the Danish, Swedes, Austrians, Finnish and Norwegians who have totally mastered English to a very, very high standard as a 2nd language. It's like I could walk into a cafe in Holland and the woman getting me my coffee speaks perfect English - try asking your average person who gets you your coffee at a Singaporean kopitiam to speak English ... you might get a smattering of Singlish at best.
No, the issue is not about language per se - the issue is about giving & taking: in struggling on with Dutch despite knowing jolly well that my colleagues speak English fluently, that's me giving: that's showing respect for the local culture & language and they really appreciate it, even if my Dutch is rubbish, I make so many mistakes and they may not understand my bad Dutch at times... but I would always try in Dutch first (with my colleagues whose first language is Dutch) and then only default to French or English if they really don't understand what the hell I am trying to say. I love Dutch, it's a beautiful language - it's like a cross between German and English with strong French influences.
Hi LIFT,
ReplyDeleteIt seems that the article that kungie wrote was meant to be a deliberate attempt to be a one-sided piece contrast for an earlier series that was written:
http://kungie.wordpress.com/2012/11/19/on-singapore-the-unexpected-perils-of-meritocracy-in-an-overly-dense-society/
The original post can also be found here:
http://kungie.wordpress.com/2012/12/09/milestone-post-on-singapore-why-many-dont-leave-and-some-want-to-return/
Thanks for the links. I was so tempted to post a link to this article on his post - but I'm like, okay, I've had my say and he's had his, let's agree to disagree and there's space for both of us to voice our different opinions on blogosphere. I'm not spoiling for a fight, I felt I had to react and say something; people like Kungie are going to attract those who agree with him and people like me are going to attract readers who generally agree with me - such is the nature of blogging.
DeleteMy dad got sold out by his identical twin brother and father. How is that for the ultimate backstabbing. Long and complicated story; suffice to say, we don't keep in touch with my paternal side of the family.
ReplyDeleteHi there - ironically, my father also got sold out by his brother and his mother, oh this happened when I was about 11. You see, my late grandfather (who died before I was born) was fairly wealthy, but he had made arrangements with his will so that his estate would only be distributed upon the passing of my grandmother - so my grandmother would be well provided for and owned everything until the day she died, then it would be distributed according to my late grandfather's wishes.
DeleteWhen I was 13, my uncle who disliked my father (they never got along) hatched a plan. You see, my uncle's son turned out to be an utter total disaster academically, failing every exam from primary school onwards. My cousin was plain stupid - for want of a better word. So in desperation, worried that his son would never ever get a decent job - my uncle went to my late grandmother and told her that my mother was a horrible woman who hated her. She said such awful things about my mother, convinced my grandmother than her daughter-in-law was pure evil and the decent thing would be to cut her out of the will and redistribute her portion to his stupid son who quite frankly, probably needed the money far more than my mother.
So there was this showdown, when I came home from school one day and my uncle, my grandmother and my parents were in the living room - having this massive shouting match. My father sent me out of the house, he gave me $10 and told me to go to the shop to buy some things for dinner - but I knew he didn't want me to witness the fight. I went to the toilet and tried to listen from there, but because I don't speak any Hakka, I couldn't understand much of what they said apart from when they lapsed into Malay or Hokkien for my mother's sake (my mum is Hokkien and didn't speak Hakka either).
I found out about the whole story some years later - but my father said that his brother is dead to him and when his mother died, quite frankly, neither my mother nor I felt any sadness. That's why I guess my mother was so fanatical about me studying hard and getting good grades at school, so I could get a good job and earn a living for myself - and that I wouldn't be dependent on my dad's family's money as an adult.
So yes, this kind of shit can happen within a family unit - so for Kungie to claim that "someone's always got your back in Singapore", I'm like, is this guy for real?!?! You can't even depend on your own family sometimes - yet you expect this kind of kinship from strangers on the basis of your nationality per se? Alamak, get real lah.
I have two sisters - I am very close to one and fairly distant from the other, I speak to one all the time on Facebook and chat on the phone a few times a month - the other one I speak to like a few times a year on occasions like Chinese New Year or Christmas and any news about her comes via the other sister. Such is life you know, I reap what I sow, that's why I am closer to one sister and not the other. For the other sister, I'm like, okay if you're not going to make an effort to keep in touch with me, then I'm not gonna bother you either...
Sorry, TYPO: At first I thought that incident happened when I was 11 - then I remembered that I was in sec 1 when it happened, so that makes me 13 not 11; sorry for the confusion.
DeleteHi LiFT, I wrote a long reply to your post, but accidentally swiped my mouse (damn the apple magic mouse) and lost the comment. I'll keep it short now - I just want you to know that the story of your family feud bears striking similarities to mine. Hakka side with a none Hakka daughter-in-law painted as the evil conniving woman. Grandfather being fed malicious and untrue stories of my family by my eldest uncle which led to blow outs and show downs (one happened on the second day of Chinese New Year - how fucked up is that). My family of 5 was turned out of the family home in the late 80s, the ground floor shop unit with a single room as my dad had taken over the Chinese medical shop business from my grandfather when he retired (he even demanded to be paid rent dating back to the 1970s ) and had to spend months sleeping in the hall of the second floor tenant. He eventually sold the entire shophouse (and effectively cut off my father's livelihood) without informing him first and we only knew about it when prospective buyers came to view the unit. That was only my uncle and my grandfather. My dad's twin brother and elder sister have also screwed my father in their own way, but the story is so convoluted that one couldn't make it up. So much for 'family ties'. And yes, the motive for all these was money too.
DeleteYou know, after all that my parents went through with my dad's family, there's a part of me that thinks, "I don't need your money, I can pay my own bills, stand on my own two feet, I don't need to get involved in fights like that."
DeleteThen there's another part of me that looks at the people who are the beneficiary of that money and I'm like, damnit, why should they get the money? If my parents had a will where everything went to charity upon their death - I'd be fine with that. But here's an earlier post dealing with that very issue about money and family: http://limpehft.blogspot.co.uk/2012/03/limpeh-needs-your-help.html
Grrr this angmoh = bad and Singaporeans = bad slant really riles me up..
ReplyDeleteOne of my friends once said to me.. "Are you sure you want to be with your boyfriend? He is angmoh.. he cannot be trusted. My friend was dumped by one."
I was so angry with her! She doesn't even know my bf (now husband!!).
I am working in the UK now and my colleagues are so supportive and forgiving! In Singapore, I am constantly watching my back..in case a dagger comes flying into me!
Good grief, talk about bullshit statements by ignorant Singaporeans. I thought only people of my parents' generation can come up with shit like that ...
DeleteThe fact is, I think we have to make an effort with people no matter where we are: Europe, Asia, America, Africa ... To imagine that Singaporeans will somehow automatically have some notion of kinship with you on the basis of a shared nationality is a big joke. That's why I keep saying, is this Kungie for real?!?