Thursday 23 October 2014

Ivan Heng & husband invited to a royal banquet with the Queen

Hello! I came across all these Singaporean flags on The Mall near Buckingham Palace and was wondering what the big Singaporean event was going on in town - turns out that President Tony Tan is visiting London and is being received by the Queen herself. And guess who's on the invite? Singaporean arts veteran Ivan Heng and his British husband Tony Trickett. Yes in the UK, same-sex couples can get married, so deal with it you Singaporeans. Our laws are different from yours and our British laws are on par with other civilized, progressive modern nations in the world.
Loads of Singaporean flags on the Mall by Buckingham Palace this week.

What disappoints me is the kind of hatred that Ivan Heng has been receiving in social media when the news broke - listen, if the Queen herself is more than happy to welcome Ivan Heng and his husband, why should any of you Singaporeans (who didn't get an invite to Buckingham Palace if I may add) have a say about what she should or should not do, whom she should or should not invite to her royal banquet? As for the people who question, "what kind of image of Singapore is he presenting to the world?" I would like to think that he is demonstrating that Singapore is a tolerant and progressive society with a thriving arts scene - mind you, I don't agree with that statement myself, but that is at best an aspiration and wish for me that one day, Singapore will be tolerant and progressive and one day, it will have a thriving arts scene - sometime in the future.

There seems to be quite an obsession about "who is the husband and who is the wife" in Ivan and Tony's relationship. I find it unreal that in this day and age, in 2014, you can expect a gay couple to somehow conform to prescribed roles within a traditional heterosexual marriage. Duh. Get real people. The moment two guys decide to get married, they have thrown the book on traditions out of the window and into the rubbish skip - gay couples get married because they want the kind of legal recognition and protection the institution of marriage offers: we're talking about everything from immigration rights to tax breaks to inheritance rights to next of kin status. This is available to heterosexual couples and in more enlightened societies like the UK, this is also available to same-sex couples in the name of equality. Gay couples do not get married to try to emulate or copy their straight counterparts - eugh, perish that thought.
Gay marriage is about having equal rights, it is a legal issue

In any case, even within a heterosexual marriage today, can you automatically assume that the father must be the breadwinner who goes out to work whilst the mother is the caregiver who stays at home and takes care of the children? Hardly. In this day and age, given the high costs of living, both parents usually have to go out to work especially if they have children to raise - the more children you have, the more money you need and often one paycheck is not enough. Thus when the working mother comes home after a long day's work, any half-decent husband would have to pitch in and help with childcare and domestic duties rather than expect the mother to do it just because she is a woman. I'd like to see a modern put up with a selfish husband like that in this day and age - no way.

Gone are the traditional gender roles, they are but stereotypes from another era a long time ago. Instead, we live in a modern age where women go to universities, embark on professional careers and share domestic duties with their husbands. A modern man today is expected to be sensitive and tactful enough to handle the challenges of childcare whilst being considerate and caring enough to be attentive to his tired wife after she comes home from work. A man who expects his wife to play a very traditional role is usually dismissed as a male chauvinist pig and very poor husband material. This is the world we live in, it is 2014 and will be 2015 soon. It is time you discarded some outdated ideas.
What gender roles do you expect a wife and a husband to play?

So in this day and age, I find it shocking that people still expect a same-sex couple to confirm to such out of date and old fashion gender stereotypes within their relationships? Good grief. Listen, you have two professional working men, no children - they are of the same gender and it is a wonderful basis to have an equal relationship. It is shocking that women have had to fight so bloody hard for so many generations just to have the kind of equality the current generation have - things were bloody awful even in my mother's generation in terms of the kind of discrimination that women faced. So why would two men (or two women) want to establish some kind of unequal relationship where one party has dominance over the other?

It just doesn't make sense. The old fashioned model of marriage, these traditional roles of a husband and wife are based on inequality - where the husband is superior and has control over the wife. Quite frankly, it sucks for the women in such an unequal relationship and I am glad that modern women have much more equal relationships in their marriage today. So why oh why would any right-minded, half-decent gay couple want to model their relationship on such a warped and unequal model if they truly love and respect each other? Ivan and Tony may be a married gay couple - but make no mistake, they have no desire to model their marriage on some outdated, old-fashioned heterosexual ideal that belongs to the last century. Hell no. They're far too intelligent for that kind of stupid bullshit.
What model would you base your marriage on?

And if you are talking specifically.about anal sex - well let me indulge you there. There are so many possibilities within their marriage. Tony could be fucking Ivan. Or Ivan could be fucking Tony. Maybe they take turns fucking each other or maybe they are not interested in anal sex. Duh. Did you know that there are plenty of sexual activities that two men can indulge in for hours of endless sexual fun without it involving one party penetrating another? Gee, there's so much more to sex than penetration, duh. Likewise, let's talk about lesbians. In the absence of a penis, there's no penetrative sex - so you can forget about trying to define the lesbians' relationship in terms of their sexual roles.

This is another silly assumption that people make - that somehow, same-sex couples want to copy and emulate straight couples in their sex lives. Now that's just dumb. The perception is that in a heterosexual marriage, the man fucks the woman, so same sex couples who get married must some how copy that pattern. Bullshit - whatever for? Okay, if you want to make babies, then the man has to fuck the woman for reproduction to happen. But in a same sex relationship, there's no 'baby making ritual' involved, so why must the sex still follow the pattern of one party penetrating the other? Indeed, you're only limited by your imagination as to what you do get up to in the bedroom for sexual pleasures, now that sexual activities are strictly for carnal pleasure and has nothing to do with 'baby making'.
So there you go. As to what Ivan and Tony get up to in the bedroom, that's not your business and I suggest you do not pry. Pay more attention to your own sex life and see how you can improve it, rather than being a kaypoh about what the sex lives of others. That's it from me on this issue. Feel free to leave a comment below, thanks for reading!

12 comments:

  1. As cliché as it sounds, everyone should have the freedom to love. I hope SG will really progress into a society where same sex relations are not stereotyped and are being treated equally.

    However, should gay couples be allowed to adopt? what is your take?

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    1. Helen, in the UK, gay couples have had the right to adopt children since 2002. I say, if they are brave enough to take on the challenges of adoption, then good luck to them.

      There are so many children out there stuck in the care system and if a gay couple is able to give a child a safe and happy home, then why not? The system in the UK screens all couples who want to adopt and only couples who pass the test can get to adopt.

      There is no question in my mind that gay couples should be allowed to adopt - of course they MUST be allowed to adopt. How can you even ask such a question - are you homophobic Helen? Perhaps it is because I live in a very progressive country where the Queen can invite Ivan Heng and husband around to Buckingham Palace that I feel that it is absolutely normal for gay couples to adopt and I feel outraged by the fact that you even have the nerve to ask such a question.

      But then again, you're probably from Singapore and Malaysia where you're stuck in the dark ages when it comes to gay rights. Good grief.

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    2. Lots of research indicate that the gender of the primary caregiver(s) is not critical in the determination of the children's well-being.
      http://journalistsresource.org/studies/society/gender-society/same-sex-marriage-children-well-being-research-roundup

      In fact, one of the studies listed above supports LIFT's rhetorical question, "There are so many children out there stuck in the care system and if a gay couple is able to give a child a safe and happy home, then why not?" See quote below.

      ---------- Quoted from the journalistsresource.org listing of research ----------

      “Nontraditional Families and Childhood Progress Through School”
      2010 research by Stanford University published in Demography.
      Findings: “Children of same-sex couples are as likely to make normal progress through school as the children of most other family structures… the advantage of heterosexual married couples is mostly due to their higher socioeconomic status. Children of all family types (including children of same-sex couples) are far more likely to make normal progress through school than are children living in group quarters (such as orphanages and shelters).”
      http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20879687

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    3. Thanks WD.

      Ref: my rant below.

      My parents are straight and heterosexual alright. Things still went badly wrong in my miserable childhood. There are so so many factors when it comes to being good parents - sexuality is not one of those determining factors.

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  2. Adoption of children by LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender) has been an active debate so I don't see what's wrong in me asking. I didn't know that in the UK, there are stringent measures and screening tests.

    One study shows that "Adopted children thrive in same-sex households' by Charlotte J. Patterson, whereas in another recent study by Mark Regnerus, he found that children who were raised by parents who had same-sex relationships did worse socially, economically, and psychologically as compared to adults raised in intact, biological, heterosexual parent families. Therefore, there are limited research in this area and results are inconclusive.

    They are many children in need of a loving and nurturing home and even straight parents neglect and abuse their children so I tend to agree with same sex adoption. I also believe that parenting ability has no relations to their sexual preference.

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    1. Well Helen, this has been in the law in the UK (I am a British citizen, FYI) and you questioning something that is already in the law is a bit like me asking, "oh should women be allowed to vote?" Goodness me, we've already been through all that, Suffragettes etc, years of debate in parliament before we reached the conclusion that women should be allowed to vote - that all took place a long time ago and that discussion has been concluded. Likewise for gay couples adopting - this was debating for so many years by the parliament here in the UK, so many experts were consulted, so many studies carried out, the pros and the cons were discussed and argued over at length for so many years before a vote was passed to turn it into law. Just because you are late to the debate doesn't mean that this important debate hasn't already taken place - it has, you're just about 12 years late to the table Helen.

      An important part of adoption in the UK are stringent screening tests to ensure the suitability of the parents (gay, straight, whatever sexuality) - it is not like going to buy a dog from the pet shop, no there are many strict tests that any couple who wants to adopt are subject to and this is to PROTECT the children.

      It seems ridiculous almost, that couples who want to adopt are subjected to such strict tests, yet straight couples, no matter how twisted and warped, can produce a kid and then the state has to pick up the pieces when it all goes horribly wrong for the poor kid. Look, I was born into a heterosexual family, with very traditional parents who were teachers in Singapore - yet I had an utterly MISERABLE childhood where I was abused for many years. My mother had serious psychological problems and instead of seeking help, she used to beat me till I bled. I'm not talking about the usual kind of Singaporean caning here, I'm talking about a mentally unstable woman venting her pain on her innocent defenseless child. It was such a screwed up situation here yet on the surface they were this respectable couple in Ang Mo Kio who were both teachers at the local primary school. Talk about things that can go badly wrong in an "intact, biological, heterosexual parent families" - yeah that describes my parents but still things went so badly wrong in my experience and I, as the helpless child, paid the price for their mistakes. If we had known more about mental health issues back then, we would have gotten my mother the help she needed instead of letting her suffer like that all those years.

      I think it is ludicrous that you can talk about the issue without recognizing how wrong things can go in these traditional families where they just get married and have children, without anyone first checking, "wait a minute are you guys ready to be responsible parents?" That's what the checks are for in the UK, all couples who want to adopt are checked, tested and double-checked. I had only wish someone subjected my poor mother to such a test before she was allowed to get pregnant for she had serious mental health issues that remained unresolved for so many years.

      These checks in the UK system ensure that no child would be adopted by bad parents (straight or gay). I am glad there is such a system here in the UK. And I am speaking as a grown man who survived a miserable childhood at the hands of a mentally unstable mother who suffered from terrible mental health issues. Yeah my parents were straight - so what? Things still went oh so terribly wrong and the factors that went wrong had nothing to do with sexuality at all.

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  3. Hi Limpeh, I am very sorry to learn about your childhood plight. i have some idea that it was not a happy one but not to the extent. In light of this, nah, you are neither cold-hearted nor selfish to not let guilt and pity bother you in the face of emotional blackmail (if any). Though I half-wish you are and could be my source of inspiration. What is past is dead. Don't hold on to it. Take care!

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    1. Hi Grace, thanks for your very kind words. You know what? I don't blame my mother today - I have to look at the whole situation on the whole and make a judgement. She had mental health issues in the 1980s when people didn't even talk about mental health issues. People equated mental health issues to being locked up in a padded cell in Woodbridge hospital. My mother was let down by everyone - her entire family (especially her husband, my father) let her down and as the youngest child, I bore the brunt of her unstable personality. There were scary episodes where she would just snap and literally go crazy, she would throw things around the room, scream at the top of her voice, hit anyone or anything that got in her way and she even once smashed a glass cup over my head when she was in that state and you know what? She had no idea what the hell she was doing then - catch her on a good day and she would tell you that no sane mother would harm her own child like that, but that's my point, she wasn't herself, she was in poor health, had both physical and mental health issues but in those days, she just ignored them all and worked hard to put food on the table for the big family.

      There were just so many ways that situation was wrong in so many ways - a woman who is clearly not well shouldn't be forced to continue as if everything is normal, she should have been given so much more help. Heck, in hindsight, I don't even think that she was in any condition to work for much of the 1980s at the worst times. She was a primary school teacher for crying out aloud - she did some pretty nasty things to me (breaking glass over my head was the worst), would you trust your child in the hands of a woman who is mentally unstable enough to do something like that? Clearly not. So many people let her down in so many ways. I look back and I feel sorry for her. I have a lot of pity for my mother for I now understand mental health issues a lot better - what is the alternative? Anger? Nah. I only have pity for my mother at this stage. I don't even want to talk about forgiveness for it is not about forgiveness. Feeling sorry for her is my way of dealing with the situation.

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  4. Dear Limpeh, I have been a longtime reader of yours and always feel the need to revisit it in search for a bit of solace after reading nasty things like the TRS. I really hope that most of the sentiments reflected there are not what most Singaporeans think, because if it truly reflects the voice of the average Singaporean, I am really worried. Can you believe the contributors/commenters are defending gender stereotypes now, with some even calling speaking out against sexism a threat as dangerous as the ISIS? *Facepalm

    http://therealsingapore.com/content/negative-impact-gender-stereotyping

    I deeply admire you for being in such a progressive place, and feel lucky that I run in more progressive circles (maybe due to relative youth). Even my traditional Chinese parents are beginning to show more flexibility in gender-related matters. I certainly hope that Singapore will improve with regards to this, because I really feel it's such a wonderful place with so much potential, but just managed in an outdated fashion. Sigh.

    Cheers, keep up the good work, and as a longtime fan, I just wanted you to know that your blog is one of the best pick-me-ups of my everyday life. :)

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    1. Thanks MentosKick. Let me explain to you some of the people who called speaking out against sexism a threat lah - they know that it will be v hard to try to change the situation in Singapore, so instead of trying to change the situation for the better, they start justifying to themselves as to why the status quo is better and why they don't need to do anything.

      It's like my friend who had a really messy desk at work - and when I asked him how he can work in such a mess, he said, "it is an expression of my creativity, I cannot feel creative if everything feels too sterile". That's all bullshit of course, it's a lame excuse for not clearing up his desk. But that's what people do - they make lame excuses to justify the shit in their lives.

      Thanks for your kind words, do keep reading, thank you.

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    2. I am so sorry for posting the same comment twice! :/ have a good day!

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