Is the world such a scary place?

You know, I normally write stuff to express strong opinions on my blog but once in a while, I come here to think out aloud because I have something that is bothering me, something that I can't quite figure out and this is going to be one of those posts. Now one of the things I am most grateful for in life is having had the ability to travel a lot in my adult life - I am about to do a gig in France and Germany and I just can't wait to meet my new colleagues there. I have been to so many countries, met so many people along the way and I am glad to be able to share my experiences through my blog and also on Alvinology to encourage my readers to go out there and experience this amazing world. 

Do you know what I begged my parents to get me for my 8th birthday? It was an atlas of the world - what kinda child was I? My parents actually gladly obliged because it was educational! I read that atlas cover to cover, studying about the different countries and I would sit there, staring at the pictures and closing my eyes - imagining that I was wandering through the deserts of Oman, in the souks of Marrakech, skiing down a snow capped mountain top in the Alps or sailing across seas to Russia.  I would then open my eyes and realize I was still sitting in my bedroom in Ang Mo Kio, but I made a promise to myself as an 8 year old that I would one day travel the world as an adult.

The atlases from my childhood

You know, I used to tell myself the excuse that because we were a big family (I have two siblings, that's a family of five), my parents didn't have enough spare cash to spend on luxury long-haul holidays but now as my parents are retired and have all the time in the world and plenty of money for holidays (heck, I'd pay for them to travel if that's what they wanted to do), they would make any excuse to avoid traveling. The fact is, they are terrified of traveling. They hate it so much - my dad in particular feels very nervous about venturing out of a Mandarin-speaking environment because of his inability to speak English.

It's not like he can't speak English, he did learn it at school and can manage the basics (on rare occasions I have heard him use it when having to communicate with an Indian or Filipino person) but he is extremely self-conscious of the fact that his English isn't good and he would do anything to avoid having to utter even a word in English. There was this incident that I remember from years ago - he worked in a primary school as a Chinese teacher and he had to address a small group of Indian students in English. He was trying to tell them to put away some sports equipment after a PE class. The students couldn't understand him very well and were left very confused as to what they had to do exactly. As a result, he felt very frustrated and embarrassed as he had 'lost face' as a teacher - his inability to communicate in English had undermined his authority as a teacher in the school. So as you can see, it was far more to do with his self-confidence stemming from this issue - rather than any kind of 'threat' (real or perceived).

My father cannot express himself in English

There is one thing I have figured out about my dad: in the past, I used to think that he is a racist who hates anyone who is not Chinese. But in reality, no, it isn't that straight forward. Oh don't get me wrong, he is still extremely racist and has spouted some horrible un-PC things over the years that I can't bring myself to repeat here. Your classic racist hates others because of a perceived sense of superiority - my dad is not like that, quite the opposite. For my dad, he assumes that white people will look down on him because he can't speak English properly. Whether this assumption is fair is another matter altogether, but based on that assumption that people are going to look down on him (or even hate him), he is going to hate them in return. His kind of racism is not based on a perceived sense of superiority, but a deep sense of inferiority and a lack of self-confidence. 

I feel a deep sense of regret that I cannot change his mind on the issue - take French people for example. He assumes that French people hate Chinese people and are extremely racist: this is despite the fact that he hasn't been to France and has never ever met a French person in his life and that assumption is based on his sense of inferiority. He is more than happy to ignore the fact that he has a son who speaks French a lot better than Chinese, has lived in France, studied at a French university, has worked for a French company and is a total Francophile. Nope, he chooses to ignore his own son because looking at my experiences would force him to challenge his deeply held beliefs - so instead of asking me, "hey son, you've lived in France, you have loads of French friends, what are the French like? Please tell me." He chooses to believe what he wants to believe instead - much to my annoyance.

My dad ignores the fact that I am a Francophile.

He would use this story that our neighbour told us from back in the early 1980s - apparently she had bad service once in France back then as a tourist. But each time my dad retold the story, he would change the details - was she in a restaurant or an airport? Was this during a meal or when she tried to buy something at Duty Free? Was she in Paris or in Marseilles? Was she alone or was she with her husband? What exactly happened to my neighbour in France? Clearly, my dad could not remember the details (ironically, I can but my memory is a lot better than my dad's) so the story would come out differently each time he retold it. So he is willing to make up shit about the French based on a story he cannot remember to justify his vile racism instead of asking me, his son, what my experiences have been like with the French, a people I have embraced. You can see why my dad frustrates the hell out of me at times.

My mum is no better - if not worse. Never mind the world outside Singapore, even Singapore freaks her out at times. I remember when the MRT first opened to the public - she was terrified of riding on it. She was so afraid of the ticket gate closing on her, she was afraid of not buying the right ticket and changing trains at City Hall or Raffles Place terrified the hell out of her. And we were like, look if you're nervous or unsure, just ask a member of staff to help, that's what they are there for. But she refused, she said she didn't want to 'lose face' and appear as a suaku old woman who didn't know what she was doing. I thought to myself, duh - you are already a clueless suaku old woman, the least you can do is ask for help when you are there instead of just panicking or getting worried about anything and everything.

Yup, my mother is still nervous about this...

My parents have a happy life in Ang Mo Kio - they worked all their lives at the local primary school and I am glad that they had a little corner of the world where they felt safe and content. But what upsets me is that they spent their lives imagining that the rest of the world is a nasty, scary, horrible place and that everyone outside Ang Mo Kio hated them. By all means, if you're happy in Ang Mo Kio - great, good for you, but why do you need to pretend that the rest of the world is so nasty, when really, it isn't? The fact that their children are not afraid of the world doesn't change their mind on the issue - heck, I have a globe trotting sister who has traveled across Africa and South America and another one who is currently in Chicago for work. My siblings and I are clearly not afraid of the world out there and relish the opportunity to travel. We are nothing like our parents.

But no, this is not a conversation I can have with my parents - they are too afraid of 'losing face'. I can't begin a conversation about my dad's low self-esteem - that's a no-go zone for my dad. He would insist that he has great self-esteem and has loads of self-confidence despite decades of evidence to the contrary. He can't even try to help anyone who will not welcome my attempts to help. My dad is stubborn and irrational, he is his own worst enemy at times. In Chinese culture, we're supposed to show a sense of reverence and respect for our parents and I think many of my readers will be shocked by the candid way I am talking about my dad's shortcomings, but he's old and doesn't have that many years left and I don't know if there's anything I can possibly do to try to convince him, "hey the world isn't such a scary place after all, you don't need to be afraid of people hating you. The people around the world are actually quite nice - look at me, I've traveled around the world and made so many awesome friends along the way."

Limpeh in El Jem in Tunisia

Have I tried telling him about my experiences? Sure I have. He sits and listens but I am not convinced just how much he actually absorbs. And no matter how much I tell him, his attitude doesn't change - the world out there will always be a horrible, scary place with nasty people who hate him despite never having met him. I just think it must be horrible to go through life like that, with this horrible impression, this sense of persecution, to believe that Ang Mo Kio is the only safe place in the world for him. I know I can never get him to travel the way I do (given his inability to speak English), but the least I want to do is to relieve him of this ridiculous sense of persecution based on ignorance and an assumption of mutual hatred ("I assume that they hate me, so I am hating them in return.")

Is there anything I could do? Or is it just something I just have to walk away from? Do let me know, thanks everyone.