Sunday 13 April 2014

Q: You can bring a horse to water but...

Okay guys, I have come close to having an argument with one of my best friends this evening and I just want to share with you what happened. I got quite frustrated with him as I was trying so hard to help him and give him good advice and prevent him from making a mistake but he just won't listen to me. Let's call him 'John', obviously not his real name, so I can refer to 'John' in this story. You can bring a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.

Now John wants to break (back) into acting - he's done some acting when he was younger, he has seen gone on to do many other things with his life and now he thinks he wants to give it another go before he is too old for it (he's turning 50 later this year). Since last year when he decided this is what he wants to do, he has been taking a lot of classes and spending money that he doesn't have (ie. he is getting into debt) to attend a range of rather expensive acting classes. So being a loyal friend, I told him that he is wasting his time and money with these expensive acting classes because it is time he takes it to the next level - he needs to get an agent. The agent will then get him auditions and that way he can start getting paid work, isn't that what he wants? Isn't that what all aspiring actors want, right?
Instead, we got into an argument. And perhaps I didn't handle it well. You see, I had made some effort to get him an agent because that is precisely what he needs to get paid work as an actor, but he made some pretty dumb excuses to note call the agents I had set him up with. Allow me to tell you what these ridiculous excuses are.

Excuse 1: "I can make loads of great contacts whilst doing these courses."

Verdict: Completely false. He will meet other actors who will be at best competitors, at worst total losers. You see, we're not talking about RADA or any of the top drama schools in the UK here - John is going for various short courses which have no minimum entry requirement, all you have to do is pay a fee and you can take the course. It's a money making venture for those who teach these courses - the teachers are not going to care if you're talentless and never going to make it in the industry, they just want to take the money you pay to attend these courses. Likewise, the teachers who are busy teaching rarely have good connections to the industry because they are not actively involved in the industry - they are too peripheral to be close to the big decision makers like the influential casting directors.
Do you know who you are going to meet in these courses?

You want great contacts - all you need is an agent. I don't know that many influential decision makers in the industry, but I have a great agent who does and that's why my agent gets a cut of my earnings. An actors' agent is a very specific kind of middleman who has great contacts and that's the way the industry works. All successful actors have great agents - you simply cannot cut out the middleman.

Excuse 2: "Anything that helps improve my chances must be a good thing."

Verdict: Not really true because of "opportunity cost" - even if you are doing a somewhat useful course, any time you spend doing the course means time spent not working as an actor. Spending 3 months doing a course means giving up the opportunity of going for auditions for 3 months because that course is going to keep you so busy you can't do anything else in that period. If you are a young actor who has not had any training or acting experience, then fair enough, it's not like you have loads of auditions to attend - by all means do that course because there is no "opportunity cost" of committing your time to the course. But with John, he's probably ready to start going for auditions and he is not seeing this opportunity cost of doing these courses.(Not to mention these courses are very expensive.)
Does these courses significantly boost John's chances?

I can list a long list of things that may improve one's chances in showbiz: from investing in loads of beautiful clothes (gotta have just the right thing to wear for the auditions to make an impression) to cosmetic surgery (not that uncommon in Seoul and LA mind you) to endless classes to teach you every aspect of  performance (from tap dancing to capoeira to mime) but at the end of the day, how much can any of these things seriously improve John's chances of getting anywhere in the industry? I say, the difference is probably fairly small and given how small the difference is, it's really not worth bothering. I'm simply being very pragmatic and practical here.

Excuse 3: "Any potential agent will want to see me invest in my career."

Verdict: Not really, any potential agent is far more interested in whether he can make money from you. This is how the industry works: the agent gets you auditions, if you get the job then the agent gets a cut of your earnings. Look, the agent wants to that you have skills, but these are skills that need to be of a very high standard and probably require years of training. I can get work from my gymnastics skills because I have been doing gymnastics for 30 years at a very high standard - John thinks that he can compensate for a lack of any special talent by doing many short courses when really, he's not done anything since he was a child for the last 30-something years to a very high standard, so trying to start from scratch when you're about to turn 50 is just too late to start investing in a brand new skill. Either you already have it, or you don't and it's too late to acquire those skills. What can you realistically learn from these short courses?
It takes years, even decades, to train to a professional standard.

Excuse 4: "I will feel more ready after I do the courses - they will help me feel prepared."

Verdict: Ready for what? That's the thing about working as an actor - you never quite know what you're going to face. Your agent could put you up for all kinds of roles, you could do all kinds of strange auditions, you could be asked to do things you may not have thought you could do. You simply get sent a script and you make the best of it - every audition I do is so different and to be frank, I never feel like I am totally ready for every audition that I do. After all, at the casting, the casting director is not looking for the finished product, he is looking for an actor who fits the role, who shows versatility and is easy to work with. What I have to do is simply stay calm, listen carefully to the instructions I am given and think quickly on my feet whilst not giving anything away.

Perhaps that's because I have worked in customer services before (transferable skills!) - that is why I am so good at auditions. In customer services, you are usually dealing with an unhappy pissed off customer who has something to complain about. I have to listen very carefully to what the unhappy customer is saying and respond accordingly, find solutions quickly and remain calm and friendly throughout the process. The very same skills have come in very useful during the auditions that I do. Certain tricks always work - for example, I buy myself time in both jobs by answering a question with a question. This is an art form that I've perfected over the years - many politicians often do this too.
Being ready is a state of mind and depends on your self-esteem.

So for example, the angry customer asks me, "So what are you going to do about this?" And I reply, "Sir, can you tell me please which platform you placed this trade with and if you have the corresponding serial number for that trade, so as I may look it up on my system please?" (All this while, I have that information on my computer screen staring at me, but I am making the client dig for some reference serial number, so I have time to think of a solution.) Likewise, at an audition, if I need to buy myself some time, I would ask a question like, "Before I do the scene, can you tell me more about the character's accent? Are we looking for something quite posh or perhaps something a bit more working class? Can you tell me a bit more about the character's motivation for this speech please?"

The fact is, feeling ready for the challenges of life is simply a state of mind, you feel ready if you're confident and believe in your abilities - casting directors can test so many different aspects of your performance skills and the only way to cope with that is to go in with an open mind, stay calm, listen to the instructions carefully and expect the unexpected. Some auditions will go better than others, some will be terrible - such are the nature of auditions. You have got to believe in yourself enough to not let the bad auditions bother you, you just have to move on and learn from those mistakes you've made. You can't expect to get every role you audition for, it's a numbers game.
It takes a lot of confidence to get on that stage and face the audience.

Anyway, when John still refused to accept that he is wasting his time and money on all these courses - my impatience got the better of me. I started rattling off a long list of famous people I have worked with in the last 10 years (it's a long and respectable list), I told him I had national theatre credentials (note for my non-UK readers: the national theatre only works with seriously good actors and I have worked with them last year, thus establishing my credibility as a serious actor). I also reminded him that I will be spending my next two weeks working with another very famous actor and I know what I am talking about, I didn't get this far in the industry by being simply 'lucky' - no, what I did isn't rocket science: I learnt about how the industry works and I followed the rules. So if he wants to get anywhere in showbiz, he has to listen to me as I know what I am talking about. Why would I bullshit him or lie to him?

Now that didn't go down well and I regretted throwing my weight about. I wasn't modest, I was bragging. But I guess I didn't mean to brag in the first instance, it was only because he was coming up with all these bullshit excuses that I simply had to rub my success in his face. You see, I had found an agent who was willing and happy to have an informal chat with him to see if she could take him on - I gave him this agent's number and said, "call her, she's expecting your call." After two weeks, he never called and he kept procrastinating - it got to the point where I got fed up and asked him, "look are you serious about acting or not?" And he said, "of course I am, why would I be taking all these courses if I was not serious? I'll call that agent when I am ready." And I was like, "Damn it, you were supposed to have called her two weeks ago when I set it up for you!" I got so fed up with him - like I am trying so hard to help him, but he doesn't see it.
"What do you mean you've not called her yet?"

Here's what I think John is afraid of: you see, as an acting student, the teacher keeps you very busy with plenty of homework and you do feel like you're "acting" - but you're paying to act, you're paying for a teacher to put you through these exercises and watch you act: that's so different from working as an actor, when you're being paid to act. The former is easy: just sign up for any acting course that will take you, pay the fees and you will feel like an actor working towards his dreams, oh it'll be just like High School Musical or Glee (where they can even make Rebecca Black's 'Friday' sound cool). And most of the time, these courses can be quite fun.

But throw yourself into the highly competitive world of acting and it can be very depressing when you go for audition after audition and simply not get the parts that you so desperately want. It is great fun being an acting student, but at some stage, you have got to realize that your ultimate goal is to become a working actor, not remain some kind of perpetual student. An acting course should prepare you for the working world, not trap you in student mode.
I get the feeling John is procrastinating because he is so afraid of failure and that is why he is holding back. He is afraid that after getting too many rejections at the auditions, he may have to concede that trying to act is a bad idea and he should give up his dreams and just go do something else instead. That's why he is spending so much time and money being a student again, when really, he's his own worse enemy by holding himself back. So many actors refuse to face the reality of rejections, so they hide away in acting courses. So it's not the courses per se that I object to, it's John's attitude. But hey, I could bring this horse to water, but I couldn't make it drink.

Personally, when I got started as an actor/dancer/stuntman/performer back in 2004, I couldn't wait to get started, I was so eager and hungry to go for auditions and I wasn't afraid of failure. I just wanted to know as quickly as possible if it was going to be worth my while doing this whole showbiz thing. If failure was coming, I didn't want to delay it, I wanted to know ASAP. If this whole acting thing was going to be a total waste of my time, then fine, I'd move on to something else in life that I am interested in. That's just the kind of person I am, I am driven but pragmatic at the same time, which is why I found John's attitude puzzling and frustrating to say the least!

I wonder what I can do? Do I just back off and let him waste his time and money with more and more of these useless acting classes? Or do I continue talking sense to him? Please advice, thank you for reading dear readers.


15 comments:

  1. "It's for your own good."

    I'm regularly struck by how much you resemble those you profess to dislike.

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    1. That's neither true nor fair.

      If you're comparing me to my mother, here are the differences:

      1. My mother hit me to vent her anger and because she had mental health issues. There may have been some desire buried in there to help me behave better or study harder, but even then, I am giving her the benefit of the doubt as it simply wasn't apparent at the time. What is the worst that I did to John? I bragged about some of my accomplishments to give my advice more credibility when he rejected it - how can that be compared to physical abuse? Bragging may be in bad taste, but it's a far cry from what my mother did to me.

      2. What would you rather I do, just back of? "Oh John you wanna act? Good luck!" And left it at that? Kinda unhelpful, don't you think?

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    2. "A Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but mean your mother."

      I'm not comparing you to your mother. I've never met her and so have no independent view to base a comparison on.

      Rather, I'm comparing you to someone who uses his credentials/achievements to win an argument (viz your friend in Latin America).

      What you did was laudable. You tried to help with the agent; but your friend in effect said no by not calling the agent. So, okay. Why force the issue and ask "are you serious about acting?"

      "Like I am trying so hard to help him, but he doesn't see it." He is not obliged to be grateful to you for your efforts. You did what you could; but don't expect gratitude.

      To me, you treated your friend not as a rational agent who can take care of himself, but as a child.

      "It's for your own good, nah, don't do these courses, you're wasting money, don't you know limpeh very kiang, I never do also, just get an agent, nah, here's the contact, why you so ungrateful I'm trying to help you, why won't you listen to me?!"

      Would you like to be treated like that?

      You did all the right things; then, I feel, you took it too far. Horse, lead to water, no drink etc.

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    3. Oh I had no idea you were referring to that Ukrainian thingy. But now I see where you're coming from.

      You know, I thought that given the fact that I am motivated by kindness and a desire to help (even you acknowledged that what I am doing is laudable) - I thought the bluntness/directness of what I said didn't matter so much as long as I get him the help he needs at the end of the day. But heck, I have acknowledged and accepted that I can't help him.

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    4. Heh. "Even you?" I like to think that I'm fair in acknowledging both good and improvable points.

      Bluntness/directness, as you yourself have said, can detract from the message you want to put across, no matter how good the message is.

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  2. Some people have so much fear in them it stops them from living or doing what they need to get on with life - your friend John is a prime example. He is probably subconsciously sabatoging himself - perhaps he thinks he's too old to get into the acting game, and he is just dabbling in the courses just to feel that he can do some 'acting'. He probably regrets not pursuing his dreams when he was younger and a part of him wants to make them come true. But his fear of change seems to be greater. Damn it if you gave me the contact for your agent, I would have called her the very same day. He has nothing to lose by just trying to go to audition (you can always learn from them), but in his mind, his fear of failure (as you mentioned) is what is keeping him from making any real progress. You were just being honest but he is just too freakin' scared to see it for what it is- an objective and justified piece of advice that most people would have valued (I would certainly have).

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    1. Well Linda, what should I do then - what can I do? I've backed off, but it's painful to see him flounder like that. My first instinct is to help, but then again, you can't help someone who doesn't want to accept help.

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    2. That is so true. He has to want to help himself first - only then will he be more open and receptive to advice. But methinks it is best to back off from the moment - he is probably smarting from your reaction and will put even more barriers up if you push him any further. Maybe at a later time just casually drop him emails to say this and that audition is on and he should try them out as he is SO suitable for the role. Throw subtle hints and a little flattery. That's all you can do as a friend.

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    3. AH. Bloody hell, and there I am writing something when you already know the answer; when someone doesn't want to accept your help, shrug and wish them well.

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    4. Thanks Linda and Kaishun - my instinct is really to help when I know I am in a position to help (all it takes is industry specific contacts, knowledge & advice which I am more than happy to supply for free as a friend) but there's nothing I can do if he is unwilling to accept my offer of help. And I guess I'm just baffled as to why anyone in his position would reject an offer for help like that. I will back off.

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  3. Man only respects or values what he pays for. So that is why I don't give out anything for free even professional advice. No one would bother to consider it.

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  4. Hi limpeh
    I'm a lurker but I read your blog weekly :)

    This happened to me before. Someone I know always grouses about wanting to change his line of work, and that no one will give him the chance. He got really offended when I suggested things that he could do to increase his chances.

    It ended quite unhappily, but I learnt something new. Sometimes, people just want to grouse, or do "busy work". They tell you their problems, your natural instinct is to provide solutions, but they don't want it. So therefore, save the energy to help those who are open and really want to be helped.

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    1. Thanks for your kind words 孤独な天使 - you know, I only wanna help at the end of the day... i have no evil intentions.

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  5. Oh my god I would have given up everything to be in John's position! Like Linda I would've called the agent the moment I have her contacts. It's unfortunate that John had wasted this golden opportunity. But I guess age has a lot to do with his attitude. He's not young anymore so he's probably less garang than younger aspiring actors (he thinks he has a lot at stake). Or maybe he's still in the state of mind whereby he still feels he doesn't deserve to get paid.

    By the way, I just recalled recently that my best friend in school (she's Swedish) has an acquaintance (also Swedish) who produced a song for a Kpop group called My Name (the music Kpop produces are great, but they need to brush up on their naming skills...). I talked to her today about it, but she said she doesn't know him that well so I stopped there... I know I should've asked her to get in touch with him, but I'm just... not that thick-skinned... Now I'm desperately trying to think of a way to approach the topic again.

    Cheers
    Amber

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    1. Hi Amber, thanks for your kind words - you know I am the kinda of friend who only wants to help if and when I can. I hope things work out for you in Japan - remember don't be afraid to ask for help and always accept help when it is offered! :)

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