Welcome to my world. Hold on tight. It's going to be a bumpy ride.
Thursday, 25 July 2019
Trying to deal with society's expectations of grief
Hi guys, this will be my last post in a while as I am will be off to South America on Friday morning - I have already checked into my first flight. I will be connecting through Madrid before flying onto Montevideo in Uruguay. Then for the next 26 days, I will be working my way from the Atlantic coast to finally finish on the Pacific coast in Valparaiso in Chile. It would be nice to finally escape this record breaking heatwave in London with a new record of about 39 degrees (that's higher than the highest recorded temperature in Singapore) predicted on Thursday afternoon. Yes, I can see that it is currently -4 degrees and snowing in Esquel - that's far more suitable for me. I almost thought that I was not going to make it to South America, allow me to get this off my chest. My mother-in-law had been very ill (with cancer) and we weren't quite sure what was going to happen with her health - some days she got better and some days she just lay in bed with absolutely no energy. We already had a scare two weeks ago when my partner got a call, dashed up to the hospital to see her and then she pulled through. Well, we got another such call on Sunday, so he dropped everything to run to the train station to get the next train up to Scotland and she passed away on Monday evening. At least he managed to spend most of her last day by her bedside, even if she was barely conscious and slept most of the day. The nurses assured us that because of the morphine, she was in no pain at all and she passed away peacefully in her sleep.
Now I was the first to offer to cancel the South America trip - it's just money, if he didn't want to go, I would understanding of course. We had a discussion with the family and my sister-in-law insisted that we should go, my mother-in-law never traveled much but she was always very supportive of him traveling to interesting places, learning about different cultures in far away countries, having these new experiences. Oh my mother-in-law would have definitely wanted us to go on this trip. So we are going on Friday as planned, I have everything booked from flights to ferry tickets to guided tours, to bus tickets to AirBNBs and hotels; but when we are there, we're going to gaze into the starry night in the clear, crisp, freezing cold night sky in the Andes mountain and think about my mother-in-law, we shall raise a glass of wine in her honour. To be honest, I feel somewhat guilty about not crying or expressing much emotion at all in the last few days - perhaps that's just the way I am. My mother-in-law had been on a steady decline since late last year and we were even surprised she held on for so long given how the cancer had taken over her lungs. Nothing the doctors could do could fix the problem and with a lady that old, they couldn't do anything too invasive or risk doing more harm to her. So the last few months had been managing her decline, trying to make her as comfortable as possible whilst preparing for the inevitable. So with that in mind, her death didn't come as a surprise at all - that's how I suppose we had mentally prepared ourselves for it. If it had been something sudden or unexpected, then of course, the shock and the grieving process would be very different.
The last time I was in this position was when my grandmother passed away - that was around 2010 or so and again, I didn't cry and I felt guilty for not crying. I went to work and told my colleague that my grandmother had just passed away, his reaction was like, "oh my goodness, why did you even come in today? If you have called and told me, I'm sure everyone would understand and nobody would have expected you to have come into work after receiving such distressing news like that." And I was like, seriously, I'm okay, don't worry about me, I'm fine, I can work, let me work. I have told a few good friends and they have all reacted in much the same way, I have a friend who is literally messaging me every few hours going, "are you okay? Do you need anything? How are you coping?" And I'm like, yeah I'm hot, it's so unbearably hot today, I wanna crawl into my fridge and stay there." But of course, that's not what she's asking about - it's like she expects my partner and I to be emotionally distraught but really, we're okay. Well, I'm okay and he seems pretty okay too - I think it is mostly because her death is expected and didn't come as a surprise, so we had been mentally preparing ourselves for this moment for quite a while already. I did speak to my partner's family and I think the general consensus was just relief - we're relieved that my mother-in-law is finally free of all that suffering as it was really a struggle for her towards the end. I'm kinda left wondering how some people might react if they found out that this was our reaction instead of intense sorrow? Will I be judged - would they send me more hate mail condemning our decision?
I am not that close to my mother-in-law, we had a respectful, polite and somewhat formal relationship. I was always a part of my partner's family and I had spent many Christmases and have always been a part of their family gatherings. But I suppose with my mother-in-law, there are big cultural gaps and a vast age difference, hence I never expected to connect with her like someone closer to my own age. I actually had an argument with her in the 2000s, I can't even remember the exact year but we were having a conversation about George W Bush (former president of America) and of course, I think he's evil. Not as evil as Trump, but pretty darn evil and she began defending Bush, oh that was when I had the choice of either trying to stay respectful and just listening to her or I could tell her why she was so wrong - I chose the latter. Sorry I am an autistic moron and I'm not very good at tolerating people who are wrong but maintain that they have a right to an opinion. She couldn't defend herself or justify her point of view and I just went on the attack - I was thinking, it's not personal, we're just talking about politics and I have a different point of view. But after that, I didn't even feel good about it, because a part of me did think, you just effectively scolded your mother-in-law for being ignorant, that's not how you build a good relationship with her. I resolved never to argue with her again after that. But on the other hand, I see my sister-in-law and her husband having loads of arguments with my mother-in-law and there's no holding back - I think holding back would have been condescending and that's just the way they speak in that family. Quite unlike my family of course, because my uneducated parents spout crap everyday but my sisters simply bite their tongues and let it pass because it is pointless trying to educate them at that age. So that's why I don't have a relationship at all with my parents.
I guess I'm not that sad because even though I've known my mother-in-law for about 20 years, I never really got that close to her. Gosh, I just read that last sentence back and it does sound incredibly cold and unfeeling and I can imagine how others are going to judge me. But it also got me thinking about the inevitable, when my own parents pass away - my father is already in his 80s so he's not that much younger than my mother-in-law now and here's the irony, I have actually spent far more time with my mother-in-law and speaking to her than I ever did with my father in the last 20 years. If you think I have a somewhat distant relationship with my mother-in-law, then goodness me, I'm a lot closer to her than I ever was to my father in the last 20 years. Sure my father was a part of my childhood, but goodness me that is a long time ago and the older I get, the longer ago that seems and we've simply not built up any kind of relationship at all in the last 20 years. Whenever I Skype my sister, I would sometimes see him wandering around in the background but he's not even interested in sitting down and joining the Skype conversation. My sister would try to invite him in the past but she has given up trying because she knows he isn't interested. At least my mother might sit down sometimes to join my sister, but my father has absolutely no interest in talking to me and I'm like, great - if that's the way you feel, I'm not going to force you to talk to me. So if and when my father passes away, then I'm going to go through this whole process again: I will feel guilty about not conforming to society's expectation of what grief should be and I'll probably not even want to talk about it with my friends precisely because of that. I'd be like - just leave me alone and let me deal with it in my way.
So there you go. I am very glad I got that off my chest. Right, I now have to get back to packing. Many thanks for reading.
As an only child living overseas with elderly parents, I have prepared the emergency plane ticket money (for self and partner) and have kept our passports updated. My Singapore parents have no friends outside of immediate family, who are also equally old and increasingly frail, probably because they thought they could rely on their children, but it's just me and I've decided to live 10,000 miles away. In contrast, my mother-in-law has a circle of friends she's maintained since she was a young mother. These friends have supported her through difficult times and she hasn't had to rely on her sole child, my partner. She's also settled her affairs and made clear to her attorney what is going to happen to her when she gets ill and possibly incapacitated. She's made provisions for all that whereas my parents would never discuss this stuff because pantang leh... let's depend on our hypothetical children and grandchildren. My grandmother died four years ago, my mother informed me on a phone conversation four years ago. She had resigned herself to me not being able to afford to fly back and forth as I was still a student. I bade goodbye to my grandmother many years ago when her dementia got bad and she didn't know who I was. I admit I didn't want to see her at her worst, and just wanted to keep her in my memory. In the SG/Asian context, we could be seen as cold-hearted - I haven't seen my parents in half a decade although I told them I'd be happy to fly them out. But they refuse to get passports and citing difficulties even though I'd hire someone to go through their process with them.
Well Ling, what you said reminds you of the way my father would right past my sister when she is Skyping me, enter screen right ... then exit screen left. OK that summarizes what I see of my dad usually. You have my empathy. Thanks for your message. I'm off to the airport now.
My very close friend passed away suddenly in January this year due to a heart attack. He did not even tell me he had a heart condition. I never had the chance to say goodbye to him and I had only recently able to come to terms of his passing. Conversely, my grandmother passed away after years of being bedridden and I had never been close to her. So I had never grieved for her.
Hi Jon. I'm finally back from South America. I know what you mean. I think there's a huge difference between sudden death and a death that's anticipated - I am just glad I was given the privacy to deal with it my own way. Mind you, one of the guys we met in South America told me that his brother (at the age of 70) had been diagnosed with final stage cancer and has but weeks to live, hence we were traveling to Bariloche together in order for him to fly out of Bariloche airport to go see his brother. He wasn't dealing with it that well and I didn't know what to say or do, as no response would be adequate.
I remember my father died out of the blue when I was a first year college student studying abroad. I cried after I heard the news on the phone, and for the next week while waiting for the funeral preparations. But when I flew home to get to the funeral, I didnt show any grief at all. In fact I was laughing and causing trouble with my brother, and so was he. My mom and sister didnt find it unusual, they know I tend to hide sadness behind laughter, but everyone else thought it was strange since I was reputedly dad's favorite kid. I was sad when I got back to school though, but subtly so. Picked up a gaming addiction, grades slipped, etc.
For everyone grief is different, at least I dont keep in contact with family I'm not very close with, and the family I do keep in contact with understand. As they say: "the ones that mind dont matter, and the ones that matter dont mind." Its your grief and how you choose to deal with a loss, and should not reflect on how much you really cared about a loved one. Its how you treated them in life that shows enough how much you cared. And nobody likes those people who treated someone like crap while they were alive but visibly grieved when they were gone, probably out of guilt.
Hi Amanda, thanks for opening up and sharing. I am back from South America and the funeral is the day after - we're traveling up to Scotland tomorrow. I'm not quite sure what to expect in terms of the reaction from the rest of the family - we'll see. Right now I am just jet lagged and exhausted.
As an only child living overseas with elderly parents, I have prepared the emergency plane ticket money (for self and partner) and have kept our passports updated. My Singapore parents have no friends outside of immediate family, who are also equally old and increasingly frail, probably because they thought they could rely on their children, but it's just me and I've decided to live 10,000 miles away. In contrast, my mother-in-law has a circle of friends she's maintained since she was a young mother. These friends have supported her through difficult times and she hasn't had to rely on her sole child, my partner. She's also settled her affairs and made clear to her attorney what is going to happen to her when she gets ill and possibly incapacitated. She's made provisions for all that whereas my parents would never discuss this stuff because pantang leh... let's depend on our hypothetical children and grandchildren.
ReplyDeleteMy grandmother died four years ago, my mother informed me on a phone conversation four years ago. She had resigned herself to me not being able to afford to fly back and forth as I was still a student. I bade goodbye to my grandmother many years ago when her dementia got bad and she didn't know who I was. I admit I didn't want to see her at her worst, and just wanted to keep her in my memory.
In the SG/Asian context, we could be seen as cold-hearted - I haven't seen my parents in half a decade although I told them I'd be happy to fly them out. But they refuse to get passports and citing difficulties even though I'd hire someone to go through their process with them.
What to do lor?
Well Ling, what you said reminds you of the way my father would right past my sister when she is Skyping me, enter screen right ... then exit screen left. OK that summarizes what I see of my dad usually. You have my empathy. Thanks for your message. I'm off to the airport now.
DeleteMy very close friend passed away suddenly in January this year due to a heart attack. He did not even tell me he had a heart condition. I never had the chance to say goodbye to him and I had only recently able to come to terms of his passing.
ReplyDeleteConversely, my grandmother passed away after years of being bedridden and I had never been close to her. So I had never grieved for her.
Hi Jon. I'm finally back from South America. I know what you mean. I think there's a huge difference between sudden death and a death that's anticipated - I am just glad I was given the privacy to deal with it my own way. Mind you, one of the guys we met in South America told me that his brother (at the age of 70) had been diagnosed with final stage cancer and has but weeks to live, hence we were traveling to Bariloche together in order for him to fly out of Bariloche airport to go see his brother. He wasn't dealing with it that well and I didn't know what to say or do, as no response would be adequate.
DeleteI remember my father died out of the blue when I was a first year college student studying abroad. I cried after I heard the news on the phone, and for the next week while waiting for the funeral preparations. But when I flew home to get to the funeral, I didnt show any grief at all. In fact I was laughing and causing trouble with my brother, and so was he. My mom and sister didnt find it unusual, they know I tend to hide sadness behind laughter, but everyone else thought it was strange since I was reputedly dad's favorite kid. I was sad when I got back to school though, but subtly so. Picked up a gaming addiction, grades slipped, etc.
ReplyDeleteFor everyone grief is different, at least I dont keep in contact with family I'm not very close with, and the family I do keep in contact with understand. As they say: "the ones that mind dont matter, and the ones that matter dont mind." Its your grief and how you choose to deal with a loss, and should not reflect on how much you really cared about a loved one. Its how you treated them in life that shows enough how much you cared. And nobody likes those people who treated someone like crap while they were alive but visibly grieved when they were gone, probably out of guilt.
Hi Amanda, thanks for opening up and sharing. I am back from South America and the funeral is the day after - we're traveling up to Scotland tomorrow. I'm not quite sure what to expect in terms of the reaction from the rest of the family - we'll see. Right now I am just jet lagged and exhausted.
Delete