 |
| At the Vatican, very near the scene of the crime |
So fast forward to May 2015, I was in Vatican City, visiting St Peter's Basilica. This is one of the most visited tourist attractions in Rome and St Peter's Square can host up to 80,000 people for major religious events. It is stunning and definitely worth a visit. I visited on a Saturday but it was still extremely crowded with tourists. There is a public toilet there on the South side of the square (near the post office) which is free to use, I guess you can't fill a square like that with thousands of people for Sunday mass and not give them a toilet to use! But here's the strange design of the toilet - it is deep underground: you go through a door and down some stairs before you get to the toilets. I suppose they didn't want people queuing on the stairs, so they had a toilet attendant operating a one-in-one-out sysem, so you actually queued at the door rather than on the stairs. There is usually a long queue for the women's toilet no matter where you go in Rome and no queue at all for the men's toilet:it was no exception at the Vatican.
This toilet attendant was especially bossy and she barked orders at the people queuing up to go to the toilet. When it was your turn, she would point at you and bark, "Lei! Vai! (You! Go!)" And yes it does sound as abrupt in Italian as it does in English. She would not let anyone take a step into the building until the previous person has exited the building. I queued up behind a group of four Chinese tourists (all men) who were somewhat impatient; they had seen a group of four men climbing up the stairs, heading for the exit of the toilet building so they assumed that they could enter since four people were getting out. This toilet attendant took serious offence at the way they tried to enter without her permission so with all her might, she grabbed the guy in front, shoved him back (nearly knocking him over) and screamed angrily, "Aspetta!!" (Wait!) It took the Chinese tourist by surprise as he didn't except to be grabbed and shoved like that. The Chinese tourists were angry but didn't know what to do - one of them attempted to scold her in Mandarin, but of course she didn't understand a word of what he said and simply ignored the angry Chinese tourist.
 |
| Why scold someone in a language they can't understand? |
I felt that she had really crossed the line and since the Chinese tourists were unable to speak neither Italian nor English, I tried to reason with her in English: I told her that she could have simply explained to the tourist that he had to wait, there was absolutely no need for her to use force like that. She looked at me with contempt then barked some rather rude things at me in Italian (she must have assumed that since I look Chinese, I don't understand Italian) and I thought, oh okay, so you wanna play this game bitch? You wanna swear at me and scold me in Italian? Alright, game on. Little did she know that this Chinese-looking tourist, yours truly Limpeh, speaks several languages including of course, Italian. I have two Italian buddies at my gym who take great pleasure in teaching me how to swear in Italian. So I leaned towards her, lowered my voice so only she could hear what I was saying and this is what I said to her:
"Che cazzo fai tu fica di bangio? Tu fa' schifo al cazzo. Va fan culo tu puttana brutta di bagnio!"
Translation: What the fuck are you doing you cunt of the toilet? You are disgusting to the cock! Go fuck yourself you ugly whore of the toilet!
 |
| Like Xiaxue, I have no qualms about swearing when necessary! |
NB. Here's a little cultural lesson about Italian. There is a fine art to swearing in Italian - it is not like English where you simply have to use words like shit or fuck to cause offence. The phrase 'fa schifo al cazzo' is not just very rude, but also very Italian (there is no real English equivalent nor is it easy to translate) and most non-native speakers of Italian would not know phrases like that even if they have studied Italian. They just don't teach you words like that when you learn Italian in a classroom from a good teacher, so I was not only swearing at her - I was insulting her in a quintessentially Italian manner. Oh and I made sure I rolled my Rs properly like a local when I said the word 'brutta'.
Maybe my grammar wasn't perfect but I didn't have time to think whether it should have been cazzo (singular for cock) or cazzi (plural for many cocks) but I seem to remember Dino at my gym always saying cazzo rather than cazzi when he used the phrase "tu fa' schifo al cazzo" but rest assured that she understood me perfectly in Italian and it achieved the right effect. She stood there in disbelief for a moment, then stormed away and got a male colleague of hers and pointed at me, screaming to him that I had verbally abused her. Her colleague then approached me and asked me in Italian what had just happened. I replied in English with a strong Chinese accent, "Sorry, I don't understand Italian, Do you speak English?" He then repeated his question in English, "She said you scolded her very rude things in Italian?" I said to him, "Look you are mistaken! I am from China, I speak a little of bit English - how can I scold her in Italian when I don't speak your language? She just started shouting at me for no reason and I don't understand what she is saying."
 |
| Actually I do speak Italian reasonably well... |
Her colleague then did a double take and said, "But she said... I don't know... Uh... I'm sorry, sorry. I think she must have misunderstood. It must have been a misunderstanding. I'm so sorry. I am very sorry. Maybe it was someone else." He then went back to her and told her that I was clearly a Chinese tourist who didn't speak a word of Italian, so how could I have told her things like 'tu fa schifo al cazzo'? She then raised her voice and started screaming even louder at him and he kept telling her, "calmati, calmati!" (Calm down!) But oh no, she was not calming down, quite the opposite - she asked her colleague if he thought she was lying, that he didn't believe her? I then shouted over to him, "I told you she is crazy!" By then, I was surrounded by a group of other Chinese tourists who had witnessed what happened and I said to them, "你看她, 她疯了, 神经病!" ("Look at her, she has gone mad, insane!") The Chinese tourists then started laughing at her, some were even pointing at her and of course, this made her even more angry.
I guess when you're some power crazy toilet attendant bitch who takes such great joy in swearing at Chinese tourists in Italian, it must have been so humiliating for her to see a bunch of Chinese tourists laughing at her like that. She then raised her voice and started shouting some pretty rude things at us in Italian and that was when her colleague quickly bundled her away into an office as there were plenty of other Italian speaking people around who would have taken offence to hearing such vulgar language at the Vatican (of all places). One of the Chinese tourists asked me, "你跟她说了什么? 为什么她这么生气?" (What did you say to her? Why is she so angry?) I thought, oh my, how do I translate 'tu fa schifo al cazzo' into Mandarin. So I just said, "我跟她说我们中国人不好惹!" (I told her that it was best not to provoke us Chinese people!) Well it was clearly not what I said, but oh well, I thought it was what they wanted to hear.
 |
| What is the right way and the wrong way to react to this woman? |
I think my response would have been far more effective than scolding her in Chinese (which was what the guy from my church proposed, back in 1996 and what one of the Chinese tourists did). And the Italian toilet attendant thought it was funny to swear at me in a language she thought I didn't understand (ha!). That's all so stupid - if you want to insult someone, kindly have the balls to do it in a language they can understand like English (which is the default lingua franca in Rome with tourists). Never ever scold an Italian person in Chinese, do it in Italian (or at least in English).
When I got back to London and told my Italian friends at my gym that I did actually get to use the phrase 'fa schifo al cazzo' at the Vatican, they burst out laughing. "At least that bitch probably deserved it - there are some mad people in Rome and believe me, I've met my share of them when I used to live there." So there you go, that's my little story to encourage you to learn to speak the language of the country you are visiting. I didn't think I would ever get to swear in Italian whilst I was in Rome, but oh well - when in Rome, swear as the Romans do! Thanks for reading. grazie mille.
It is a funny story. You were kind to stand up for the Chinese tourists,
ReplyDeleteHiya Di. I don't think I was fervently standing up for the Chinese tourists - I just happened to have been at the right place at the right time. The vast majority of Italians I have met in Rome were incredibly pleasant and friendly but as you know, every big city will have its share of mad people and Rome is a very big city. But more to the point, she was scolding the Chinese tourists in Italian and the Chinese tourists were scolding her in Mandarin - to me, that's just so wrong (though one has to accept the possibility that neither of them spoke English). I just don't believe in scolding someone in a language they don't understand: what can that achieve? That was why I rose to the occasion and gave her an earful of authentic Italian swearing. I guess my motivation was not so much to stand up for the Chinese tourists, but to piss her off and upset her. You know me darling, I never shy away from a fight.
DeleteWell, I am glad. I thought you had gone over to the dark side defending Chinese tourists, but I didn't want to say anything. Lol.
DeleteBy the way, did you go to Florence and see David? I hear he is quite, hmmm .... magnificent. I personally want to take a good look at him one day.
Oh no, I didn't have time! 5 days 4 nights in Rome and that was barely enough to do everything on my list (which I didn't finish doing) - and guess what? I didn't even go shopping at all in Rome. The closest I got was a few items from a supermarket and that was it. There were some big malls but they were no where near the very centre of town and yeah you can get Gucci, Prada, D&G etc in Rome but otherwise, there was nothing more reasonably priced and down to earth in town - for that you've gotta get out to one of those bigger malls out of town and I just didn't have time.
DeleteI have stopped buying things during my travels. I bought rosaries for my sisters on my last big trip and a braided bracelet which my son insisted. That was it. I have wised up. These days, there is always online shopping. I'd rather spend a day in an interesting museum than in a big mall. You made a good choice. When I next visit Singapore, though, I'd be buying food treats home!
DeleteTrue, true - I am not sure I was expecting to find in an Italian mall that I probably couldn't get online anyway.
DeleteOne of the usual piece of advice you probably know is dispensed online is to "buy" experiences, not objects or things when you travel. I find it to be a rather wise piece of advice, because it stops me from breaking my wallet whenever I do so, especially in places like Japan and South Korea. And well, for the latter, I could seriously burn a big hole via all the souvenirs and things you can buy there (branded skincare and cosmetics for family and friends, fashion and grooming stuff for myself and books in Korean too, and many other things including foodstuffs). Nowadays, I realized the value of focusing on the experience more than the shopping, and in fact, shopping seems to slow me down in sightseeing. Lesson learned!
DeleteBtw, Alex and Kevin. what do you guys buy when you visit Singapore? We are planning a trip back next year. First time together as a family, and I know my son will get showered with money and gifts. I do not want to show up empty handed. I was thinking local ice wine and local chocolates for my siblings whom I love dearly, and it would be my pleasure to buy something for them, but what is the etiquette when invited to have dinner at friends' homes? Friends we have not met for years.
DeleteDi, I seriously have not bought anything much for people when I went back to Singapore. Maybe it is because I keep my returns low-profile and only tell a few people including some close friends. All in all, my approach is, the lower-profile the return, the better because I will not be bombarded with invasive questions such as "What do you do?", "Why aren't you doing....?" and the like. I will be honest to say that for the women in the family and the "vain" friends, I bought cosmetics--made in Korea (since they make very good stuff there for skincare in South Korea, and I made regular trips there via Japan then)--for my mother, sisters, and some friends who are into grooming and fashion. I would say that friends normally do not care much whether you buy gifts or not, at least among my good friends, but local products (made in Canada, such as maple syrup or maple syrup cookies and chocolates) might help for friends.
DeleteAlex, I was really surprise to hear that those was actually a toilet bitch and right at the doorstep of the Vatican no less! Really big contrast to the pretty friendly reception I got from the Romans I got year before! I guess every place has its share of loonies.
DeleteDi, I think just a small token will do. Since they are your siblings and family, I think something available locally which you know they will like should suffice. For instance, my mum love cherries and my aunt will try to pack some for her whenever she visits from Sydney and if cherries are in season. So, something like say a local chocolate for a chocolate loving sibling will be nice. If it is friends which you have not met in a long time, certainly chocolates and local wines or biscuits will not go wrong. When I visited my cousin in London two years back, I packed some vacuum sealed rempah (spiced paste with belachan) which she missed so much and she got me a slab of extra sharp English cheddar this year for lunar new year. Essentially local things from your home which the recipient won't find easily in his/her place of residence.
Di - to be honest, I have absolutely no idea. There's really nothing all that special about British produce that can't be found in Singapore and the very quintessentially British things (say a slice of red Leicester cheese) would not be appreciated by my family. The fact is they appreciate me turning up and that's what matters, spending time together, rather than the gifts.
DeleteAnd Shane - yup, that crazy bitch was totally nuts and I messed with her mind with great pleasure.
I have seen plenty of cherries in Singaporean supermarkets though...
Thanks, guys. I will stick to local products for just siblings and in-laws. Chocolates and ice-wine. My in-laws do not drink, so that is less hassle.
DeleteShane --- toilet bitch? I am tickled pink with laughter!
Hi Di, the toilet bitch was a sudden revelation from my halcyon clubbing days. There is often a queue at the clubs and there will always be a big bouncer who guards the door letting folks get through and mere mortals like us just got to smile and cajole the bouncer to let us through. For some reason, the bouncer would eventually be called the door bitch. Since Alex's crazy toilet warden behaved somewhat similarly, naturally the term that popped up was toilet bitch!
DeleteAlex, I think as you said, it is your presence that the family appreciates, the gifts are really secondary. My aunt just packed cherries for mum simply as they are in season and they cost a lot less than the exorbitant prices we get in Singapore. Of course mum gets all touched because Aunt remembered they are a treat for her. Of course it also was bolstered by the exorbitant prices you pay for cherries in the tropics. Imagine paying S$29.99 for half a kilo of cherries!! That is like 14 quid for a half pack.
Just a note though, Di. I do not know if you are aware that airline and travel regulations about the declaration of fruits and local produce(and possible banning of them from being brought onto flights and check-in luggage too) means that you should opt for "dry" stuff, if you are planning to bring food as gifts. No fruits and local produce, unless they are preserved or dried up or kept inside alcohol or some form of artificial liquid preservative, such as wine or oil, and sealed up. Technically, when I traveled back to Singapore to visit family from Japan, I could bring back stuff like fruits and so on, which are very sweet and really FRESH (I mean, SUPER DUPER DELI-STYLE FRESH), but I had to be careful about the restrictions, and so, I often opt for the versions which are kept in bottles or pre-packaged in dried foodstuffs. I remember though that my mother bought a small packet of fresh fruits back from Japan and kept them all inside her check-in luggage without as much as declaring them at all when she was going back to Singapore from Tokyo.
ReplyDeleteHi Kevin, Di - the good news about Sg is that generally, you can bring fruits in as Sg can't grow any produce more than what you can plant under your bed. I have brought in all sorts of fruits from my travels - Buddha fruit and guavas from Taiwan are perpetual examples (Pa and Mum's specific requests); strawberries and peaches from Japan (easily 10kg); stonefruits from down under, US / Eur if in season. So far they have survived the customs. I don't think fragile things like Buddha fruits, peaches and berries will survive being in the hand checked luggage but certainly guavas, persimmons and half riped mangoes (and even once sugar cane!) have survived being in my luggage. Unfortunately if you have to transit someplace on your way to Sg, then be very careful as those places may not allow you to so blatantly get past. KL for instance will not let you in with fruits openly carried - get caught without declaring and you get slapped a RM2000 fine. Thus, I have to painfully only bring in fruits when it is a direct flight back home.
DeleteI learned my lesson when I went to Mexico last year via US. I had Mandarin oranges in my purse. The customs lady was pissed with me and almost fined me. So, yes, no fresh food items. Fruit and meat items must be consumed before check in.
ReplyDeleteHahaha this is absolutely hilarious! Your wit is amazing. How did you manage to attain such a high level of thinking on your feet?
ReplyDeleteHi Gohby, erm I don't think what I said was witty lah. It was rude, very vulgar indeed, but witty, it wasn't. Mind you, I have two Italian buddies in my gym who taught me how to swear in Italian and I see them several times a week - I help them with their gymnastics and they coach me in my efforts to speak Italian. So it's not like I don't ever speak Italian and could suddenly come up with sentences like that on the fly: I do speak Italian a few times a week, hence I am reasonably competent in that language. Heck, by that token, I speak Italian more often than I speak Mandarin - just to put that in perspective for you.
DeleteI think it was witty! At least as far the definition (in dictionary.com) of witty being "amusingly clever in perception and expression" goes. What struck me wasn't so much of your ability to speak Italian (because I know you are a polyglot) but rather your ability to orchestrate the situation to deliver the outcome you wanted.
DeleteWell Gohby, you see, I have a lot of experience with such situations - I did my trip through Romania with two white guys (one Irish and one South African) and everyone just assumed that because I look Chinese, I was the one who couldn't speak Romanian and it turned out that I was the only one of the three who spoke any Romanian. I'm quite used to people just assuming that I don't speak their language once I am outside the UK and Ireland and have often used it to my advantage. In this case, at the Vatican, I really didn't know what I was doing - I had no idea she was going to drag a colleague over after I scolded her in Italian but once she dragged her colleague over, I must have decided in a split second to convince him that I don't speak Italian at all, thus making her look stupid in front of her colleague. I guess it is called improvising. I had no idea how the situation was going to develop and I just went with it.
Delete