Q: Help! Am I being bullied at work? Can you advice me what I should do?

Okay, I have received a message from someone in Singapore who sounds like she is  bullied (or treated in a very unreasonable way) at work. She has asked me not to publish her comment but I would like to offer this reader my advice on what one should do in such a situation. Yes she has read about the Jerard Lee case and is very afraid now of making a complaint. Limpeh will see what kind of help I can offer.

This reader has requested that I do not reveal the details of her case as she does not want the publicity, but I will speak about it in vague terms. Let's give her a random name - Angela. This is not her real name and I am using the name Angela as I have just heard a piece of news on Angela Merkel. Angela works in sales in a company in Singapore and she has been spearheading a new project with some success - she has managed to bring new business to her company but feels that her boss treats her badly. She works long hours and is often having to do a lot of the admin paperwork associated with the sales process herself (order forms, invoices, follow up to make sure the clients get what they want as stated in the contract, product specifications etc).

We all make mistakes in the office...

Recently, she had procured a piece of new business for the company - great news. She was extremely proud of herself and thought that the company would be as well, however, she had made a mistake on the paperwork that was to follow up with the client after the order was confirmed. Nothing major, it is just that she failed to send some vital information on product specification and respond to some of the queries that the client had raised earlier. It is the kind of thing that can be easily remedied - all she needed to do was follow up and send the information.

Instead, her boss got really angry with her over the email sent to the client which lacked the information that the client had requested. Her shouted at her and some nasty emails followed about her work was disappointing. "We want to keep you Angela but you have got to up your game - such mistakes are avoidable and must not be repeated." She felt that they had focussed on the small mistake made on the paperwork rather than acknowledge the fact that this was a brand new client that she had found and it represented new business for the company. Needless to say, Angela was very upset. She felt that the bosses were picking on her over a relatively minor error on the paperwork and ignored the fact that she had performed well in bringing the company new business. Angela said it went beyond being not appreciated for her work - she felt victimized.

Angela had made a small error with the paperwork.

There are more details which Angela divulged but that's enough for me to deal with for now. I feel that at least one good thing that has come out of the Jerard Lee case is that people like Angela are seeking help to talk about her situation at work rather than suffering in silence and feeling miserable. So, I would like to offer Angela some ideas on what she can do and also I would like to invite my readers to offer Angela some of their thoughts.

Don't lose your temper, even if others do.

Angela, even if your boss loses his temper, it is vital that you remain calm and not get emotional. It is very easy to react in an emotional manner if you feel personally attacked and victimized - for example, if you read an email from your boss that is rude or accusatory, you should never reply to it immediately. Pause. Walk away from your computer. Talk to a friend about it. Make a cup of tea. Do anything but reply to that email - think about what is said in the email, read it again and try to understand the context. Walk away, calm down, then respond later. Never respond to an email like that when you are angry or emotional. You will regret it if you do.

Walk away from that computer and calm down first.

Escalation vs Resolution

The next step is vital: what do you want to do? Do you want to escalate a rude email into a full war where you end up shouting at each other? Or do you want to calm the situation down so both parties can reach a peaceful settlement? To illustrate my point, I want you to think about what is happening in North Korea right now - North Korea has threatened South Korea with war and Kim Jong Un is flexing his muscles. How should South Korea react? Well, it depends on what South Korea wants - do they want to go to war with North Korea and risk a nuclear bomb falling on Seoul, killing millions? Or do they want to reach a peaceful resolution to the conflict?

You see, winning the argument with a war of words may not get you what you want and people often lose sight of the argument when they focus on what is happening right now, rather than look at the big picture. What does Angela want in the long-run? What is the big picture for Angela? Her reaction to this events in the last 24 hours should factor in the big picture, rather than just focus on the minute details of what happened.

Talk to a friend

When we are upset or emotional, our thoughts are often not logical or rational - it really helps if you can find a friend to talk to. This exercise is vital as you are forced to explain your case to your friend and in so doing, you are laying out the facts clearly, in chronological order, for your friend to understand your case. In so doing, you will gain clarity about your own situation and maybe all the friend needs to do is listen whilst you talk it through and you will be able to figure out what you need to do next.

If you have a friend at work who can see exactly what is going on, then this friend can offer empathy if you are both dealing with an unreasonable boss. Who knows, maybe your friend is able to offer insight into the situation, to explain why your boss behaved this way. Either way, it is good to let your emotions out rather than bottle them up. It is always better to speak to someone who understands exactly what is going on like a colleagues - going to forums to approach random strangers for help may not always get you the best advice, as Jerard Lee found out.

Talk to a friend, don't bottle up your feelings.

Claim credit for the good stuff

It doesn't hurt to claim credit for the good stuff - I know it sucks to be taken for granted when you have made a sale Angela. If they have forgotten, then remind them.  You can be subtle or you can be forthright, but it does sound like your boss really needs to be reminded that this paperwork error only occurred after you have made a sale. Any conversation you have with your boss on the issue has got to centre around the sale, not the mistake and you need to steer the conversation that way.

Be confident and feel good about yourself

If you are confident about what you can contribute to the company, then everyone, yes including your boss, can see that confidence. If you allow an unreasonable jibe to shatter your confidence, then you are sending out the wrong message to those around you. Angela, you know you've made a sale - that is what matters and you know that. Do not allow the unreasonable attitude of your boss to shatter that self-confidence which should be based on your sales performance, rather than one careless error made on the paperwork. Remember, you're there to sell, not do admin paperwork. You're a sales executive, not a secretary.

Don't be hungry for approval

This relates to my previous point - if nobody is going to pat you on the back and saty, "hey Angela, well done, good job, you did well." Then so what? Do you need that? No you don't. You need to give yourself that pat on the back, you must not depend on others to allow you to feel good about yourself. You need to remain in control and you need to be the one who says, "I don't care what the rest of them think, I believe in myself, I have self-confidence, I am self-reliant and I do not allow others to decide whether I have self-confidence or not. I am in 100% total control."

Apologize for the small error

Okay, so you did make an error on the paperwork. Nip it in the bud, if you apologize for the mistake, then your boss has to do the reasonable thing and move on. It would suffice for you to say something like, "I was in a hurry, I'm sorry it won't happen again." If you refuse to acknowledge that you were wrong and keep harping on about how you made a sale, then it may send out the wrong message. It doesn't hurt to say sorry for a small mistake like that and if your boss is reasonable, he'll just accept the apology and move on. If your boss keeps harping on about that mistake, then you have the right to say something like, "I have already apologized for it and promised you it would not happen again, what more do you want me to do?" See? You have the power to make them look unreasonable, but first you have to apologize for the small error.

Is this bullying behaviour?

Well Angela, I would say that in this case, your boss is unreasonable to ignore your sale and go on and on about the small clerical error in your paperwork, but I wouldn't go as far as to say it is bullying. Unreasonable yes, bullying no - criminal? Definitely not. It is simply not seriously enough for you to make a big fuss about it and your best course of action is to claim credit for the sale you have made and remind your team of how good your are. Nonetheless, don't expect an apology - if it happens, great. If not, tough - just move on. You are getting commission for your sale - that is acknowledgement already from the company for the contribution you have made, they are paying you for your results. I say, talk is cheap, let's not get petty over words - let's focus on the money instead. If they don't pay you commission for your sale, then it's time to raise hell. But if they pay you for your commission on time without even a word of praise, then that's good enough - just go buy something really nice with that commission you've earned.

Can I prevent this from happening in the future?

Angela, I'm sorry - no. It is not your fault that this has happened like that but the fact that your boss is unreasonable is out of your control - you can only learn to deal with such circumstances better and the next time it happens, you will know exactly how to deal with the situation. Some things are just out of our control and all we can do is to be prepared to deal with challenging circumstances when they arise.

I hope this helps. Good luck Angela.

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