I have a colleague who is quite tactile - she would greet me with a hug and as I am good friends with her as well, I have no problems accepting that gesture from her. However, I would be very cautious about this kind of physical contact with colleagues because a hug may be a totally innocent gesture to one person but it could make another person feel really quite uncomfortable. I remember once, years ago, I had a colleague who kept grabbing me by the forearm when he talked to me and it made me feel really uncomfortable - after all, it wasn't really necessary for him to grab me by the forearm to get my attention. Simply using words would be more than sufficient. So there you go - two different colleagues, two different reactions and it is my right to call the shorts, "I'm happy to hug her but I don't want you to grab my forearm when you talk to me."
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| What kind of relationship do you have with your colleagues? |
Those are entirely my decisions to make - it is not like I surrender all rights to tell people not to touch me just because I am happy to hug this one colleague with whom I am good friends. I have every right to decide whom I do what with and whom I give consent to. It boils down to us respecting the rights of individuals to decide for themselves how they want to relate to you and they have the right to offer or withdraw that consent for you to do anything like make physical contact in the form of a hug or partake in informal banter. Hence when it comes to informal banter amongst friends, let me remind you that the incident took place in a work place, where I was paid to perform - it wasn't simply casual talk amongst friends who chose to hang out together. I didn't choose to talk to these people or be their friends - but I am obliged to work with them as part of my contract.
If they had succeeded in making me laugh at their joke - then I might have felt differently about the situation. However, their attempts at humour fell flat on its face - they didn't amuse, all they did was offend and I don't even think they realized how badly it was going to misfire. Indeed, in a work situation where a lot of young people indulge in informal banter - there can be silly jokes, dirty jokes, even racist jokes and it is not for the company to police what the individuals are allowed to say to each other under such circumstances. However, the onus is on the individual not to say anything that could upset a colleague in the work place and when someone is indeed upset, then they have the right to respond when they feel that a line has been crossed. In this case, I clearly had not offered either of them consent to indulge in this kind of informal banter with me and I had simply made it clear that I wish to be treated with the civility of a colleague, rather than the casualness of a close friend - and I did not pursue anything further for them to be punished further because I am generous like that. I could have, the route was open to me - but I didn't go down that route as we're near the end of the show already and I didn't believe it was worth my while pursuing this. I have far more important things to do.
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| "Stop - you have crossed the line there." |
As for the person who made a big deal about me referring to Calvo as autistic - it is a conclusion that I have come to after having worked with him for a while. I could be wrong, but I have yet to see evidence to the contrary. A colleague did suggest that he isn't autistic and that he is simply an asshole - that modern medical science has conveniently invented a term, a condition to label people who are just plain difficult. In any case, I didn't say to him, "You're autistic." No, it is but a diagnosis that I have made and it is my motivation in not taking the case any further. He doesn't know that I believe that he is autistic. I have never used the word "autistic" as a term of abuse as I have a nephew who is autistic and I have always been very patient with autistic people. It is a psychological condition after all and it is widely misunderstood. I felt a moral obligation to exercise constraint and compassion and I did. Look, I could be totally wrong and maybe he isn't autistic at all - but would you have rather I treated him as a racist moron who is hard to work with? If you think the word autistic is derogatory, then that is your value judgement, not mine.
As for the suggestions that I am a bully for having the audacity to stand up for myself - I find that laughable. People who know me well know that I give as good as I get - if you want to crack a racist joke with me, then you should expect to face the consequences. As for my work mates who have expressed solidarity with me, you do realize that they all have to work with these two as well. These two in question have said and done some pretty inappropriate things with others since the beginning of the year and believe you me, they have offended many others along the way. In the words of a good friend, "That is exactly the kind of bullshit I would expect from them - don't take it to heart, I don't think they're malicious, they're just plain stupid. Did you hear about what they did the other day - let me tell you..."
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| So what did they do this time? Again? |
Lastly, I want to raise the story of a teenager in the UK who was murdered at his own 18th birthday party when he wasn't able to say, "stop this, this joke is no longer funny, you guys have gone too far." Even the lawyer defending the accused admitted that it was a "criminally stupid prank that went wrong in a bad way". Even when pranks or jokes are carried out without malice, it is still very important to respect the other party when they say, "stop it, I do not enjoy being a part of your joke, I am not finding this funny." Do you respect the other party's feelings at that stage - or do you ignore their feelings and accuse them of not having a sense of humour? Likewise, during many rape cases, the rapists ignore the fact that the woman has not given consent and do not want to go through with the sex, but because they do not respect the woman enough, they carry on with the sex anyway, effectively raping her. Quite simply, when you bulldoze your way over other parties' feelings despite the fact that they have clearly said STOP, bad things can happen and victims have the right to stand up for themselves. It is time we developed a culture where people realize they have the right to say STOP and expect the other party to listen and respect those wishes.
There you go - I have no idea how that blog story got picked up in some blog aggregation website that suddenly attracted all those readers from America but I am not looking for an argument. I am here to share my story and if you don't like what I did, tough shit. Ironically, things have gone quiet at work and everyone just wants to finish the show in peace without any more acrimony - so it is with that in mind that I have taken that blog post offline so that it will fall off that American website's blog ranking as I don't appreciate the kind of comments they have been leaving. Hate mail I can deal with, but it is when these idiots accuse me of bullshit that I didn't do, they skim read through the article and jump to all the wrong conclusions and it's just frustrating - like, did you even read the same article? Argue with me if you must, but please stick to the facts - do NOT make up bullshit.
I am a little bit surprised that it was Americans that are against your actions, because America does so much to avoid bigotry. When I think more about it, and Americans may deny this, but it may be that part of the reason they are the heaviest protestors is the fact that most Americans don't have to face jokes of this nature very often, if at all. Asian-Americans are not terribly vocal on this issue, and non-Asian Americans mostly don't have to deal with people making jokes about their language. So they fail to relate why an Asian person like you or me would be so offended and feel compelled to take action.
ReplyDeleteWhen Jeremy Lin, an Asian-American NBA player got popular, the papers gleefully splashed all kinds of punnish headlines... 'Linsanity', 'Just Lin Time', 'Lin your face' and so on. However, someone went too far and came out with 'Chink in your armor' or something like that. Now the word 'chink' means a crack or opening, but it is also a racist term for a Chinese person. Did that person get fired? You bet your ass he did. I bet his head is still spinning now from how hard people came down on him.
So there is still hope for America; that's why I chose to live here!
Anyway, CG, have a look at the letter below and the way I let rip with that fucking moron - hate mail I can handle, but it's when idiots don't even get their facts right and they accuse me of completely made up bullshit. I'm like, for fuck's sake, this fucking idiot doesn't even know the difference between autism and atheism. For crying out aloud. Why do I even waste my time and energy arguing with such low IQ morons.
DeleteAnyway, more to the point - all this happened over a week ago for crying out aloud. It's all water under the bridge now, it's OVER. All the parties involved have moved on and we have now restored a decent working relationship - sure we're not going to be friends or anything like that, but as long as we can work together without any acrimony and we're able to finish the run of the show, then that's what everyone involved wants (including me, of course). I now have a formal, civil relationship with those who who made the joke - we don't talk about it, we don't talk unless it pertains to work but when we do, it's usually very polite (if not formal). What more do you want? I can't ask for anything more.
DeleteWhat I don't need right now is a bunch of strangers giving me "coulda shoulda woulda" over something that was in the past, telling me how I should have dealt with the situation, what I should've done etc - I'm like, what's the point? What has happened has happened - it's not like you can change anything by leaving me angry messages to tell me what I should have done. It's all historic, it's in the past, it's a story that has already happened but someone these morons don't freaking get it.
I have my core group of readers who follow my blog and I wanted to share my story with them - I really don't give a shit about what some random strangers think about what I did especially if they're too stupid to realize that just because they've read something today doesn't mean it is happening today - wake up losers, everything happened last week and everyone has moved on and I'm really not interested in your opinions right now about something that took place in the past. The only people I really care about with this blog are my regular readers who often leave comments and have been following my blog all these years.
So I have read the previous post, because someone posted it on hackernews.
ReplyDeleteThe problem I had when I was reading it:
-Firstly it felt more as a post like: "Look at me fighting racism, I'm good, those 2 are bad, give me a compliment."
-Secondly the whole post was about those 2 people not being able to empathise in your position, where you did at NO point in the whole happening look it from their perspective. They had a (bad) joke, where they had to laugh about. It wasn't a joke to insult people directly, so if they didn't know it would insult you, you can't blame them.
-Then you started to talk, that you would want to let them punish for what they did.... Really because of this joke, you want punish them? Kinda felt like a Adria Richards story to me. Did it really hurt you so much? You were willing to risk 2 peoples jobs because they misplaced a bad joke?
-At last, you were talking as a victim of racism. But in the whole post you keep going on about how stupid those 2 are. That whole post was 1000x times more offensive to those 2 people, then that joke can be to all the Chinese on this planet.
And again in this post you say it's not a problem to call a guy an atheist because you didn't say it in his face? So because you post it on an open blog it is TOTALLY acceptable?
And now you make this post about how rude everyone else is, instead of reflecting on your own actions even once. I don't support those hate mails, but you get them for a reason!
A Good Day,
Dear Bokito,
DeleteYou're a moron - you know why? Because you're making shit up. Half the stuff you wrote above is totally wrong - if you're gonna bitch about me, at least stick to the facts, don't make up bullshit like that. Here's why you're wrong in so many ways moron.
1. I showed great sympathy for Calvo - going as far as to excuse his behaviour on the basis of the fact that I think he has some form of autism. I looked at his behaviour over the entire time we have worked together and came to that conclusion - it was on that basis that I deduced that he wasn't able to see the issue from my perspective and that was why it was my decision not to pursue the matter any further. Most of the people in the show just treat Calvo as someone who's an idiot, a moron, a creep and they all say pretty nasty, cruel things about him and I have been told that I was wrong in giving him a 'medical excuse' for his behaviour. That is empathy, compassion and sympathy - far more than the other colleagues have shown him.
2. As for whether or not I can blame them - that's for me to decide, not you moron. In such instances, when a person is made to feel uncomfortable at work because of the actions of another, you don't have the right to tell them whether or not they have the right to be insulted. It boils down to them (and you) showing me respect and understanding that I have the right to come to WORK without feeling disturbed or harassed in my WORK PLACE. But you clearly don't understanding the concept of respecting another person's feelings. That is a basic courtesy that we extend our friends - but that is also a right I can expect in the work place under British law.
3. Yes I was mortally offended by their rude joke. I am Chinese and they made a joke about my language - in case you didn't read my blog you stupid moron, I am an actor, I am doing a play with these 2 and as part of the play, I have to speak Chinese. I am being paid to come and perform in Chinese and they are making fun of something I am being paid to do at work and they were trying to encourage others to do the same. So fuck you and fuck them two, I was fucking insulted and I was happy to see them subject to disciplinary actions for crossing that line with me. So don't you fucking tell me whether I have the right to be hurt or not you fucking moron. That's not your right or anyone else's right - so go fuck yourself you fucking moron.
Delete4. I said that Calvo has a form of autism - I didn't say that he is an atheist. You fucking moron. Are you that fucking stupid that you don't know the difference between autism and atheism? OMFG. You are a fucking idiot. Listen, autism is a medical condition, atheism is when you don't believe that there is a god.
There's nothing wrong with suggesting that someone may be autistic - it is just a psychological condition. If someone say is bad at spelling, you can either bitch that they are really bad at English or you can suggest that they may be dyslexia - which is another psychological condition. Calvo shows classic symptoms of someone with Asperger's Syndrome - a form of autism. Saying someone has autism is not an insult - in fact, if anything, it helps explains why a person may behave a certain way.
5. I have protected the identity of Calvo and Ziege - clearly I didn't use their real names and have given them nicknames instead. I didn't mention what show I am in - this started merely as a series of letters to show my readers what it is like to do a professional theatre production in London and the kind of issues I may encounter as a working actor - it is not to blow my trumpet to promote myself, rather it is just an outlet for me to share my experiences with my readers.
6. I really don't give a shit about offending Ziege and Calvo - believe you me, I have already been extremely kind to them in not pursuing this matter any further and you should hear some of the far more terrible things people in the cast have been saying about them. You think these two are angels? Who are you trying to kid? They are stupid idiots who keep getting into trouble again and again and looking at them, yup - such is the world of acting, it is one of the few industries where people who are not particularly smart can actually get very far if they are simply lucky.
Hate mail I can handle, but for fuck's sake, at least get your fucking facts right. Like you don't even know the difference between autism and atheism. It is morons like you who skim read an article and then jump to the wrong conclusions because you didn't even read what I wrote in the first place properly. You are indeed a fucking moron.
Hi LIFT, American attitudes can be quite self-contradictory. For example the very reason why they argue for human & civil rights so strongly, is because there are plenty of people in their society who are not being treated fairly, to the extent that it has to be legislated, in order to ensure a sort of forced equality. They proclaim they are anti-racist but if you dig beneath the surface, you will find it alive and kicking.
ReplyDeleteWhen people say or do things to challenge our sense of dignity at work, we have to hit back 10 times harder, esp when its the first time it happens -we want to send this message loud & clear: if you play games with me, I'll give as good as I get. You DIDNT overreact, because you were making a point. And when making these kinds of statements (against bullying, racism etc) there is no such thing as hitting too hard.
At my first workplace I was put in charge of a project & there was this guy who kept complaining to our superior that I was incompetent because I did not consult him in the decisions I made. The superior conveyed this to me, & from then onwards, I demanded that guy's signature on every single piece of memo being circulated (which meant he also took responsibility for them), even really trivial ones not directly related to him. It got very difficult & ridiculous; I even made him go through a lot of inconvenience & trouble when he had to enforce them. My superior asked, why are you doing this, is it really necessary? I said Yes, because he has insulted my professional integrity.
Anyway, after the furore over this hatemail from America has died down, will you re-post the article? Please consider doing so, because your week-by-week accounts of your theatre stint are like a record of your experience & they are very compelling. If the one from Week 7 is missing, the whole suite of thespian letters becomes incomplete. The National Heritage Board has already archived your blog as a National Treasure, an artefact of a Singaporean's life. This story of bullying /racism, & the lessons it teaches, are valuable to us. And that stupid "tin can" joke should be allowed to circulate (without any copyright protection for Calvo) until it loses its power. Thanks!
Hi there - thanks for your support. I know I can count on my regular readers who are actually interested in my stories and in my experiences - by that token, people like you will take the time to actually read my blog posts properly and understand that story properly.
DeleteThe fact is, I am employed as an actor for my linguistic skills - I do speak Chinese (amongst other languages) in this play. It is not as if these two were attacking some aspect of my culture and heritage that isn't relevant to what I do at work - no, I have to go on stage and speak in Chinese for the show and I was being attacked, mocked and belittled for something I was contracted to do at work. Imagine this: if a male ballet dancer was told by a colleague, "oh men dancing ballet is so effeminate, that's so gay" - then that's clearly crossing the line. You cannot say, "oh I was talking about ballet, not the dancer per se" - but it is the effects of your words to the person that matters and if you have said something that made the person feel uncomfortable about the work that he is contracted to do (in my case, speak Chinese during the play) then the line has been crossed. It's directly relevant to the work I do - it wasn't like say if someone made a derogatory comment about Singapore, like "Singaporeans have no mind of their own, they are like sheep" - if I heard a comment like that, I would challenge it sure, but I wouldn't report it because that is perfectly fine by me and it doesn't affect the work I do.
All in all, may I stress, that I didn't get the kind of "fuck off back to China you chink" kind of hate mail. Rather, most of the people insisted that I had over reacted to what was a stupid but non-malicious comment about my language and most importantly, they didn't think there was any racism intended. Well, that is why I had contacted various people to judge firstly where I stood with the law, what my rights are and what rights I had - I was put in a situation that was new to me and I shared the story of what I found out as it was a journey of discovery for me. It is the kind of thing I like to blog about. I was acting on the advice of others - all of whom are white (well, my agent is mixed, half Indian half white, but the rest are as white as they come) so it was not like I am some awkward foreigner operating outside the system here. No, everything I did was within the rules of the existing system and I sought advice to make sure that I knew where the lines were drawn, what I could expect and what my rights are in the UK. Maybe that's the Singaporean in me - I am law abiding, even in another country. I find out what the laws are and I follow them.
Yes once the hatemail dies down, I would consider doing that - but in the meantime, I am about to post week 8's letter and it will be ready in an hour or so; and yes it's a follow up and it will shed more light on the issue. I am talking primarily about my reaction to the hatemail, rather than what happened this week in the show for it was a quiet but busy week. We're close to the end and I am happy to close one eye and shut the other when I see stupid shit going on - but hey, there are still funny stories to share. Akan datang.
I feel that you shouldn't have had to take down the previous post. I mean your comments are moderated right? So you can just ignore all the morons and comments that does not make sense or does not add to the discussion.
ReplyDeleteIt's such a pity, but oh well. The post was great because it showed the level of support employees can get when working in the UK. Many are often too afraid to stand up for themselves like you. I thought the post was very encouraging. That if you feel bullied at work, you will have the support you need.
A lot of people stay silent precisely because of the kind of moronic comments you have been receiving. Real pity.
I am not so sure that Americans are technically as tolerant as they might make themselves to be. A large part of this has to do with the way in which the demographics of the country has been shifting over the last few years, with more and more of the Caucasian 'white' population increasingly reducing as a 'majority' to allow for a greater 'plurality' in other Hispanic, Asian, and European and African immigrants of other backgrounds instead of the traditional WASP or white, Catholic background most white Americans come from. I did not even think that your former post was racist or intolerant as much as that it addressed the fact that some people have preconceptions about Asians and their languages(In America and even Canada, it is the 'chink chonk ling long' or 'me so horny, me love you long time' stereotypes that get passed around a lot, without much of amusement for me anyway.....). Well, I agree with TCL's claim for the most part that if we were to keep quiet for fear of receiving hate mails and comments, then we might as well never really talk.....
ReplyDelete