1 week in: my thoughts on acting

I've just completed my first week at my West End production and perhaps it's time to take stock of what I have learnt so far in this experience. Now the first thing I have realized is just how different I am from the other actors in that my whole mindset is different. Many of the cast members knew that they wanted to act from a very young age and then went to drama school (instead of university) - most of have never worked outside the world of showbiz and for them, it is "get famous or die trying". For them, it's not just a dream or ambition - it's their raison d'etre.

I'm not like that. I did theatre studies & drama (TSD) as an A level subject back when I was at VJC and enjoyed it immensely then. I simply didn't have the confidence to pursue acting beyond that because my teachers then simply didn't give me their vote of confidence. It was clear whom their favourites were and I was definitely not one of them. Ironically, I'm probably one of the most successful products of the VJC-TSD programme (there are another two who have made it big in America and there's Michelle Chong who was in the year after me at VJC). I've always known there was a part of me that loved acting and performing but I thought, hey, I'm still young, I could always come back to explore this option later in my life if I wanted to. I left that door open.

When I returned to acting at the ripe old age of 28, I just needed to know that I could do it - that I was good enough to get paid work in respectable productions in a place like London. I've done plenty in the last 8 years to validate my ability in this industry. Now, at the age of 36, I had the endorsement of one of the top directors in the country. I have already ruffled many feathers during the rehearsals period, I somehow have offended quite a few people in a very short space of time. I was all ready to walk from the production but I decided to complete what I have started.

As I am now at the end of the first week of the show, I got to know some people in the company quite well, made a few allies and friends and this is what I found out. There was one person who was well and ready to fire me when I got into trouble but the director actually fought hard to keep me in the show. I didn't realize this as the director was not the kind of person who would praise me openly - that's just not his style. But I found out (through an ally I made) that it was the director who put his foot down and wanted me in the show because I had "great stage presence". Eventually the director got his way despite the fact that someone else clearly was keen to get rid of me. Now it's not like the director knew me as a friend and liked me as a person - he didn't know me well enough to like me that way, he was judging me purely on what I could bring to his show and his mission was to get the best talent for the show.

I've been acting for over 8 years - mostly on TV.

When my ally told me all that, I thought, how about that - I actually do have great stage presence and this is according to one of the most respected and successful directors in the UK. For me, to have gotten through the audition process and then be saved from being sacked by the director on the basis of my raw talent - well, that's enough for me to take away as a vote of confidence. I'm now like, groan, do I have to put in another 8 weeks of working 70 hours a week (my day job + performing in the evenings)? All I really wanted to know was if I had the talent to do this - and now I know I do, I am not sure I can face another 8 weeks of working 70 hours a week. I'm so exhausted. It's such hard work.

Then again, as I made my way home tonight - I walked through the streets of the West End, filled with drunk people who have been out partying. This young man threw up on the pavement next to me and his friend was trying to help him stand up, the smell was horrible. The horrible stench of the vomit hit my nose and jolted me out of my thoughts - I realized, I've got the rest of my life to be like the rest of these ordinary people but for the next 8 weeks at least, I am doing something they will never ever do in their lives. I have this opportunity because I am indeed talented - so I may as well take this chance, run with it and finish what I have started.

Do I know what I want out of this experience? 

Then I thought about all the politics of the people I've had to work with and believe you me, some of this shit is so trivial it is stupid. Through my ally, I found out what different people have been saying about each other behind the scene and quite frankly, my first instinct is to tell myself to rise above it all. It's only for 8 more weeks, who cares if they like you or not? You don't even have to like them - you just have to work with them and such is life. You don't have to please everyone and by the same token, most people won't take the trouble to try to please you for the same reason - they don't have to. I've decided I'm not going to allow them to upset me.

Some of the stupid shit they bicker over is freaking unreal - I heard about someone trying to claim expenses for an item that cost about £12 but it wasn't on the official list approved for the budget and it was rejected. Yeah that's the kind of stupid shit they fight about - there was a whole argument about it and I'm like, in my other job, if we are going to have an argument about money, there has to be at least six figures involved before the directors are even interested. I can't believe they are spending so much time and energy getting upset over something like that. If it was over a bigger amount of money, then maybe I'd understand - but £12? Really? Is it worth arguing over that?

"What?! How dare you spend that £12?! It wasn't in the budget!! "

I guess I am lucky in the sense that I've done so many other things in my professional life, I've worked in different countries, doing very different kinds of jobs so I am able to compare and contrast. It allows me to put things into perspective - so instead of getting upset over the story of the person whose expenses claim was rejected, "oh they're so mean to split hairs over such a small amount of money! Why are they so mean to her? She only asked for £12 and it was for the show!" I simply turn around and say, "yeah well, if you want to make serious money, you should be working in finance, not theatre. Duh. There's no freaking money in theatre, they're so broke they have to count every penny. That's why bankers are rich and most people in theatre are freaking poor."

Another great thing about having worked in different industries is that I am able to appreciate the fact that in every industry - there are pros and there are cons. There isn't a perfect job, different jobs have different problems and perks and I have been very lucky in being able to combined two very different jobs so as to be able to enjoy great variety in my daily routine whilst (hopefully) enjoying enough perks of both jobs. The problems I encounter in one job will simply make me appreciate the other one even more, thus reminding me just how lucky I am.

Hence when I hear the story about the £12 expenses claim rejected, I laugh and think, "ha! I am so glad my day job is in finance where we are far more generous with money." When I get frustrated with endless paperwork in my day job, I laugh and think, "ha! In a few hours, I will be acting that exciting scene tonight and the audience always totally love that scene and go wild when we do it." Life sometimes has a funny way to show you perspective and perhaps this is one thing I am getting out of this 9 week run: perspective. Without this process of comparing and contrasting the two jobs, how can I understand where I am in the wider picture?

I guess some of these actors I am working with may never get the benefit of this perspective because they don't have the professional qualification/skills to do another job. Even if they were to get part time work outside acting, it would be often the most basic menial tasks for unskilled labour for little more than minimum wage rather than any kind of professional career. So of course, acting would always feel better when compared to say, being a babysitter, waiter or receptionist. However, how would acting compare to say being a doctor, lawyer or architect? Do my fellow actors even realize that they've not experienced an alternative career that can rival the satisfaction they get from acting?

Many actors do low-paid menial part time jobs. 

I also found out that many actors don't work a 70 hour week like me - maybe it's because I am just an Asian workaholic who feels the need to do so in order to earn a decent amount of money, but yeah there are actors who get by on acting alone or supplement it with a very small amount of part time work and they earn very little money indeed. Do their parents help them out? Think about it... No nice food, no new clothes, no holidays to exotic destinations, no visits to the cinema, no dinners in restaurants, no nice furniture in your home - geez, the list goes on. Many of them involve themselves in unpaid theatre productions as well and would work weeks without any income. I find that kinda extreme, but that's just me. I can see they're passionate about acting - but who's going to pay the bills? I remember a party I went to sometime back at an '"actors' house" in East London - it was a 2 bedroom flat but good grief, there were something like 8 actors crammed into that flat (2 in each bedroom, 3 in the living room and 1 sleeping in the kitchen).

Do they care if they are really very poor? Evidently not. But these are not stupid people who are poor because they cannot find a good job - but they seem to be willing to live like that just to make themselves available for auditions at the drop of a hat and that means sharing a small bedroom with two other actors. Maybe they are convinced that one day, they will become rich and famous and will enjoy a celebrity's lifestyle - but how many of those at that party that night in East London will eventually become rich and famous? I suppose they were in their 20s and were willing to put up with anything - but will they be in the same kind of situation when they are in their 50s and 60s, staring into old age with that little money in the bank? Would they still choose to lead this kind of Bohemian lifestyle and chase their Thespian dreams? Am I being fair in judging their choices by my standards?

This stint is a relatively well paid stint but it is only for 9 weeks + rehearsals. What's next for them? They will probably use the money they are earning now to pay their bills whilst they do more theatre (that probably won't be as well paid as this production). I couldn't live that kind of life - I love performing, but that's as much as I have in common with these other actors. I don't really like the industry, particularly theatre and for me, there's a sense of "been there, done that, got the T-shirt" as I am doing this, whereas this is what many of them will be doing for the rest of their working lives.

As for me, I probably won't be doing theatre again. Like I said, been there, done that, got the T-shirt. I will stick to much better paid work in TV, films and commercials - I've had a brilliant time shooting in Belgium in January and that was for a high budget TV production where everyone was treated very well on set. I simply cannot imagine the team in Belgium having a quarrel over a 12 euros/dollars/pounds expenses claim - they'll be like, "12 euros? Here, take it, we're too busy to quibble over such a small amount of money, that's what the petty cash budget is for." Heck, I was even given a daily dinner allowance whilst working in Belgium, ie. they provide my breakfast (at the hotel) and my lunch (on set) but since they're not providing my dinner, they give me 20 euros to spend on dinner so I don't have to spend my own money for dinner whilst working with them - yeah, that's how generous TV productions are! But then again, that is a TV programme that has potential to be a huge international hit and can generate millions in revenue as the finished product is sold to different markets. And if it means working in finance more and acting less - that's perfectly fine by me, given how I have come to appreciate my day job in finance a lot more after this experience.

I had such a brilliant time in Belgium!!

In contrast, it's a completely different business model in theatre, it's literally how many people you get through the door for each show. If you make the tickets too expensive, like £50, then theatre goers would simply choose a cheaper show in town and there's so much competition for good shows in the West End of London at any time. So our tickets cannot be more expensive than our competition out there and that is probably why the company is so careful with budgets at this stage. I suppose for those of us who do choose to do theatre work, we accept that this is the business model and the kinds of working conditions that come with an environment with a lot less money.

You can argue that these actors may be happier than the stressed out bankers who earn in a month what these actors earn in a year - but having been on both sides of the equation, I must caution you against the 'grass is greener on the other side of the fence' mentality. It isn't. The grass is different, but it isn't greener. My conclusion is that I am very lucky to have this ability to jump from one side of the fence to the other has served me extremely well and I have gained great perspective from the experience. Oh and if you're thinking of becoming an actor.... I'm not going to dissuade you, but I think you should explore your other options so you can have this perspective on the kind of shit you have to put up with as an actor. I will do another post soon when I have the time to share my feelings about working in a West End production. Feel free to leave a comment below if you have any questions - thanks!