Sunday 10 June 2018

And how many zeros would you like on your pay check?

I am finally back from Barcelona - it is a city I have been to before but I always have a brilliant time in Spain. There's a theme that I would like to talk about but first, let me tell you why I was in Barcelona. I was attending the Global ABS conference and it was a gathering for anybody who was somebody in the capital debt markets world with attendees from all over the world. There was a packed programme over three days (Tuesday to Thursday), though the networking and partying started from the Monday onwards. The moment I got off the plane, I jumped in a taxi with my boss to the first networking event and it was in one of the most chic bars on the beach in the Barceloneta neighbourhood. Unlimited alcohol, the best Spanish Tapas money can buy and a lot of people who were either semi-drunk or quite drunk. Whilst I enjoy good food, I am always a little bit uncomfortable being in the company of drunk people as I am not a drinker at all and I like to separate work & play: getting drunk and being relaxed is something you do with your friends, not whilst at an event representing your employer. If you wanna see the photos/videos from this trip, you'll find them on my Instagram. 
But that was just the first night, the partying went on every night we were at the event in Barcelona, with each big bank and law firm trying to outdo each other by getting the best venues - from rooftop bars to beachfront venues, everywhere you went, you saw bankers and lawyers with so much money partying in style. I usually bailed by about 9:30 pm or so because such events are just not my style, I remember one night sitting on the beach a short walk from the noisy bars and watching the sunset. I had far more fun just enjoying that little moment of peace on my own than at the bar earlier with all the bankers. I recently watched the film 'The Wolf of Wall Street' on the plane whilst on my way back from Hong Kong and the kind of excessive hedonism and extreme partying you see in that film is not some crazy fantasy that some Hollywood writer came up with - such is the world I inhibit now, if you think I am making a good living, there are guys who are earning a few million pounds with each deal they make and hence for them, they easily get to the stage where they are clearly making more money than they can spend in this lifetime. If they have children, then the children have a substantial inheritance to look forward to but if they don't have dependents (or if you expect them to make their own millions), then it's a question of spending all your wealth before you die on champagne, caviar, luxury hotels, private jets, yachts, diamonds and sports cars. Quite simply, they have so much money they don't know what to do with it - they keep spending but they are still so freaking rich as they keep making so much money. Yup now that's another world altogether.
So for my younger readers who have yet to enter the working world, let me try to break it down for you like this. I am going to measure this in terms of how much each person makes per month and at the event, you had the whole range. I am only going to go by the number of zeroes in each monthly paycheck. So at the venue (the CCIB Barcelona), you had staff who are doing menial tasks like cleaning the toilet, security, delivering the catering supplies and they are unskilled labourers who make about under a thousand euros a month (hence those making 3-figures a month). Then you have the slightly more skilled staff like those who are serving the delegates coming from all over the world and the default language they use is English, so typically you had young graduates who have are vastly over-qualified for their jobs, doing something as simple as helping delegates register and getting their delegate badges - really, you don't need a degree to do that, just a basic command of English. But you get the idea, people like that probably made between 1000 to 2000 euros a month for jobs like that, so we're now into 4-figures a month. I also met some young graduates from a company selling some kinda of market intelligence report that would probably be interesting for most of the people at the event, but it's the kind of thing I imagine that the company would probably get for their employees rather than what I would personally subscribe to. I imagine the better sales people there would make between 5000 to 8000 euros a month.

Then we're into 5-figure territory where you either have experts who are highly skilled at what they do or you have salesmen who are extremely successful at earning loads of commissions and remember, we're still talking about what you earn in one month (and not a year). Once we move into the 6-figure territory, they are usually business owners who are running extremely profitable businesses or sales people who are again so good at selling their companies products they are making over 100,000 euros a month just in commissions alone - that's the kind of money they make in a month, so they all make over a million a year. Then there are those who make over a million a month, that's right, we're talking 7-figures in a month (not a year, a month, so they make over 8-figures in a year) and at that level, you're really talking about those successful business owners who have created a highly lucrative business churning out vast amounts of profits and they have assembled a highly skilled and efficient team who are great at what they do. Business owners do take on a lot of risk but they are the ones who do reap the biggest rewards when business is booming. So where am I on that scale? Well, that would be telling - I think I would get a lot of haters bombarding me with hate mail if I even gave a figure, but let's just say I am doing pretty well, thank you. I am an excellent salesman making plenty in just commissions.
So easily, under that one roof in the CCIB, you had people who made anything from 3 to 7 figures a month and dare I say, some of the people putting in the longest hours and working the hardest are probably those at the bottom of the food chain doing the manual labour. I talked to loads of people at the event and I am going to share with you one unusual conversation I had: one of the young graduates working for a market intelligence company came up to me and chatted. He told me he was making around 5000 euros a month but would like to be making 50,000 euros a month, he then asked me point blank what I was making. And at first I was like, woah, that's kinda direct and quite a personal question: why do you want to know? We then talked a bit more and I realized, okay, this guy is ambitious and doesn't want to spend the rest of his 20s flogging market intelligence reports for a few thousand euros a month, he wants to move up the food chain and he wants to do so fast. I was actually impressed by his hunger, so I told him that I couldn't give him a job, he needs to pitch my boss - my boss is the guy who would be able to give him a chance and join our sales team. To be honest, I wasn't that impressed by his CV and skills - no foreign languages, mediocre university, not much work experience - but the fact that he had the chutzpah to come and approach me at an event like that was admirable to say the least. I believe in the principle of 'if you don't ask, you don't get' and he had nothing to lose by asking me for a job. I have put him in touch with my boss and wished him good luck. I do admire people like him and hope that he will impress my boss.

In sharp contrast, I am going to tell you about a different conversation I had with my sister and mother last Sunday before I went to Barcelona. My sister remarked that I was already fluent in Spanish and should find communication easy in Barcelona, but I pointed out to her that there are two official languages in Barcelona: Catalan and Spanish and I was going to make every effort to speak Catalan whenever I could instead of defaulting to Spanish. My mother just rolled her eyes, I could tell she couldn't appreciate why I wanted to struggle on in Catalan when I could just speak Spanish with the locals. So I tried to explain to her that the region of Catalonia had declared independence from Spain, but their movement was crushed when the central Madrid government basically sent in the riot police and arrested scores of people in the independence movement - so there is a clear regional identity and many of the Catalan people are not just in favour of independence but have now a deep resentment towards the Madrid government. Indeed, I saw many signs in Barcelona which were written only in Catalan and English, with Spanish quite deliberately omitted. In light of this, I wanted to speak the local language Catalan as a sign of respect to the locals there mostly because I can do that (with a lot of effort, I did spend many hours studying Catalan). Now I know the issue of Catalonia's independence is a very complex one as not everyone in Catalonia are pro-independence and there are many allegations of corruption within the local government, but my stance is that the will of the people should be respected - hold a free and fair referendum, respect the result: that's exactly what we did with Scotland back in 2014 when they voted to remain as part of the UK. 
But when I mentioned the independence movement in Catalonia to my mother, her first reaction was (and I quote), "aiyoh cannot lah! How can like that break away from Spain? Imagine if Yishun, Bishan or Bedok suddenly decide to form their own country, then how? Why do they want to cause trouble like that?" It was the kind of knee-jerk reaction I had come to expect from my mother, but I was even more surprised when my sister simply agreed with her - not in a way that was simply trying to encourage my mother to speak up, but I actually thought she was genuinely against Catalonia trying to break away from Spain. Why was this the case? Why would someone from Singapore have an opinion either way on this issue? It was not like either of them actually knew that much about Spanish history or indeed about Catalonia - yet they felt entitled to have such a strong opinion on the issue they knew little about? I had assumed that the only default stance was to respect the will of the people living in Catalonia because if you're not from that part of the world, you don't get to have a say in the issue and that was why I was shocked at my mother and sister's reaction. But as I thought long and hard about it, it was pretty clear why people like them may feel that way and have that kind of default response.

This is the kind of response that typical PAP-supporters would have, basically they want to believe that their stance of merely accepting the PAP's authority without questioning whether or not they would be better off otherwise. They would be the kind of people who would look at the disappointed faces of WP supporters after each election and think, why do you put yourself through this, why do you try so hard only for the results to be crushing you like that at the end?  Why do you even bother? My sister isn't even one of those pro-PAP supporters, she is just politically apathetic and her stance on the issue is a way to defend this kind of apathy (which is actually pretty common in Singapore). However, this goes way beyond simply accepting that you would rather not challenge the PAP's hold over Singaporean politics - this kind of attitude is actually really quite damaging. If you accept that your current status (for example, the job you do, how much you earn) is acceptable and more importantly, that there is no point in trying to look for a better alternative, then you will simply default to becoming content and grateful for what you have and that mentality will stop you from going out there to look for something better than what you currently have. So that's when this mentality can actually become really toxic.
My parents were very against the idea of me being ambitious - oh this started when I became good at gymnastics and they hated the idea of me taking part in competitions because there was the possibility that I couldn't win, thus I may end up disappointed despite having worked very hard for the competition. They saw sports as something you did for health reasons, but deemed the competitive nature of gymnastics to be hugely damaging. Likewise, they didn't want me to apply for a scholarship not because they didn't like the idea of me becoming a scholar, but they feared I would be disappointed if I didn't get the scholarship. Their idea of happiness was merely settling for a stable job where everything was predictable and routine and most importantly, you were spared any rude shocks or disappointment. I could see how their mentality impacted my sister, she had worked for only three companies all her life and opted for the safer, more predictable option of 'better the devil you know' when it came to employers. Some people just aren't as apt when it comes to adapting to new environments: for example, some kids find it really difficult to change schools whilst others have happily made friends with everyone in their new class within the first week. I don't take for granted the fact that I am blessed with the ability to adapt well to new circumstances quickly, that is a major factor in why I am so good at sales.

That young man who came up to me and asked me for a job was a risk taker. He already had a pretty decent job and was making a respectable amount of money for a man his age - yet he was hungry for more and was willing to give up his current job. There was an element of gambling there: what if things don't work out in the new job, would he be able to go back to his old job? I doubt it. But good for him, one thing is for clear: if he never ever tried to aspire for anything more than his current job, if he had chosen to be content and grateful with his current job then guess what? He would never progress, he would still be doing the same job five, ten years from now and he would stagnate rather than progress. Why isn't he satisfied with his current job? Well, I am guessing that he has so much self-confidence and self-belief that he genuinely believes that he is capable of adding a zero or two to his monthly pay check and he is going to make that happen. Perhaps I wasn't the only person he approached at that event for a better job, if he had the balls to approach me, then he may have approached quite a few others he met at that event. Probably most of them would have turned him down but all he needs is one person to turn around and say okay young man, you've got the guts to ask for a job like that - I like that, come and work for me. I have no doubt that he will find success one way or another with that attitude.
So in the case of my sister, she is a very intelligent, highly qualified professional in a well paid job, but there's a part of me that can't help but wonder if she had been a bit more of a risk taker, she could have been so much more successful, maybe even added a zero or two to her current paycheck. Had she been held back because of the unhealthy influence my parents' attitude had on her? But there's another side to this mentality in Singapore which I have encountered through blogging: I have talked quite a lot about students trying to find short cuts when it comes to their education and I have pointed out the obvious - that the gatekeepers are not stupid, we know that students who end up doing a private degrees are not the same caliber as those who go to a good university. But I end up getting so much hate mail, like seriously, you wouldn't believe the amount of comments I have to delete because I don't want to engage the trolls. Why are people so angry with me? They accuse me of elitism because I am discriminating against students who end up in private universities rather than a good university. They accuse me looking down on people who don't make as much money as me and that's not even a fair accusation because that's not what I do at all. There are elitists out there - I am not one of them, however, I am realistic about how you get ahead in the real world. I had after all come from a very working class family myself and had a tough childhood. You are not helping yourself if you throw a tantrum and accuse others of elitism: the pragmatic approach is to figure out how to make yourself acceptable to the elites in order to work with them, in order to earn as much as them. It's just a game: learn the rules and find out how to thrive in this system.

I'm sure my Singaporean readers will remember the case of British expat Anton Casey who was hounded out of Singapore after he mouthed off on Facebook about taxi drivers and poor people. Yeah, what he did was very tasteless and he became public enemy number one in a very short space of time after his posts went viral. Of course it is easy to hate someone like Anton Casey, but one of the reasons why people got so angry with him was because they accused him of 'looking down on taxi drivers'. Now I would never do anything like that, though I do know of people who will. When I was in Barcelona, there was a cleaner making sure the toilet at the venue was always very clean and he was mopping up the piss on the floor around the urinal. Nobody even acknowledged he was human - to the rest of them, he was just invisible. I was the only one who greeted him and spoke to him when I was in the toilet, I didn't do it just to practice my Spanish - I suppose I kinda felt sorry for him as it was a pretty miserable job. Likewise, when we were going from one party to another in taxis, one of the bankers I met said some pretty awful things about Spain and the Spanish people, even though the taxi driver may have understood enough to be totally insulted - but that guy just didn't care even if the taxi driver could speak English, to him the taxi driver was invisible and he really didn't care if he had upset the taxi driver. I was embarrassed to have even been a fellow passenger with that guy in that taxi because I would always treat my taxi drivers in Spain with the utmost respect and speak to them politely in Spanish, of course. I can't make this any more clear: I would never look down on people who aren't as highly educated or not as rich and I despise those who do that.
No, what I do have a problem with are people who get overly defensive about their position in life: such as those with a degree from a private university, I only roll my eyes in disbelief when I hear them protest, "what is wrong with a degree from SIM?" I'll tell you what is wrong - there is this toxic mix of delusion and pride, that somehow nobody is allowed to even point out the obvious to them and that if anyone has the audacity to even try to explain the truth to them, then that's somehow so wrong because they only want to hear people sing praises about how brilliant they are (even if they are from SIM, yeah right). I am a realist, I believe that you reap what you sow and if you want to command the kind of respect that a doctor gets, then the only reasonable way to expect that is if you become a doctor. No you can't flunk out of school, end up with a poorly paid job and still demand that people give you the same amount of respect as a doctor or pay you as much as a hedge fund manager - employers will pay you what you are worth to them and not a penny more. It's not that I have a problem with people who aren't educated or have poorly paid jobs, maybe that's the best they can do in life and there's no point in kicking a man who is already down. But I do have a problem with people who try to defend the kind of mindset which ultimately poisons the minds of so many young people with a deep degree of pessimism.

Look, I can be extremely nice to the guy mopping up the piss in the toilet, I can be super polite to my taxi driver in Barcelona but at the end of the day, my niceness and kindness isn't going to change the fact that I still have at least two zeros more than them on my monthly pay check. Talk is cheap - money is all that matters at the end of the day. That's why when people say things like, "what is wrong with being a taxi driver? Are you looking down on taxi drivers?" I don't quite know how to respond because if you offered the taxi driver a job which came with a ten-fold increase in his earnings, how quickly do you think your taxi driver would say yes? How many taxi drivers would turn down the job offer because they would rather continue driving a taxi? The fact is whether I am polite or nasty to the taxi driver isn't going have any impact on how much he earns a month - however, if people become so extremely defensive about anyone judging them, then they do themselves a huge disservice when they go down the route of, "what is wrong with what I do? Are you looking down on people like me?" Even I am not that defensive about what I do - yes I earn a lot but I have just met plenty of people at that event in Barcelona who easily earn ten times what I make in a month. How are you ever going to aspire to achieve to more in life if you can't even talk about what you do for a living without getting so defensive?
In fact, I can tell you plenty of things that are wrong with what I do and why it is a freaking miracle I am making this much money. I am just a salesman at the end of the day, I am extremely lucky to be in a great position to make a lot of money because I work for a company which has excellent products. They say a good workman never blames his tools but that doesn't really apply in the field of sales - even if you are a lousy salesman, you probably can get by if you have an excellent product with a great reputation. And by the same token, even the best salesman in the world would struggle to sell a terrible product. If for some reason I no longer have good products to sell, then I am stuffed and until I find another company with equally good products looking for a salesman. Yeah, so whilst I am in a pretty lucrative position right now, it is also a lot more precarious than you think because I don't know how to make those brilliant financial products that I am selling, I am completely dependent on my team to churn those out. I'm not like a brain surgeon who has real skills to command a high salary, I am completely dependent on my sales figures being high to keep making a lot of money. Furthermore, I work for a small company and we only have a limited range of products to sell. That's why I am investing a lot of my earnings into property (rather than splurging on luxuries) so when the party is over, I would at least still have a decent property portfolio worth several million pounds to depend on as a landlord. Market conditions can change suddenly and quickly so I don't know for how long more the party will continue, but I am going to keep making hay whilst the sun shines. Need I go on? There's plenty wrong with my job and unlike everyone else, I'm actually honest about it.

See? I am more than happy to tell you what is wrong with my job, because I am sure most of you would have realized that there's no perfect job out there. There is always something wrong with every single person's job out there - it's just a matter of whether or not they're honest enough to divulge that information or if they get defensive and want to give you the impression that they have no reason to look down on them. Being defensive is a knee-jerk reaction when someone thinks they are under attack and that's when they will give you loads of reasons why they thoroughly enjoy their job and how they work for such a good company but when I meet someone like that, I think, are you telling me all that to try to sell me that image that you're blissfully happy where you are, or are you trying to convince yourself that this is indeed the case and that you wouldn't be happier elsewhere? It doesn't take a genius to figure out the difference. But if you keep trying to convince yourself that you're happy in your job, that you have the best job in the world when really, you would much rather be doing something else for more money, then quite frankly, the only person you are lying to is yourself and that is the whole reason why I dislike this attitude: it is so poisonous because it holds you back from asking for more out of life. That young man who asked me for a job wasn't defensive at all, he was hungry for more in life and I do like that.
So no, there's nothing wrong with taxi drivers or toilet cleaners if that's the best they can do, if being driving a taxi is the best job you can find with your abilities, then fair enough, good for you for working hard and doing a good job. What I have an issue with are people who are lazy, who have not even bothered trying to reach the maximum of their potential, who could be doing so much more with their lives but somehow keep finding excuses not to even consider that option. You should at least spend a moment contemplating what it would take to improve your current condition - maybe it is a price not worth paying or not one you're willing to pay for now, maybe it isn't exactly what you need right now but either way, at least go through the process of weighing out the pros and cons before arriving at a decision rather than simply saying, "how dare you, what's wrong with what I do?" as a knee-jerk reaction. If you become this defensive, then it's not the judgment of others that you have to worry about. No, you then become your very own worst enemy because this defensive attitude will stop you from challenging yourself, from maximizing your own worst enemy and the silliest part of it all, is that whilst people who say things like that are so worried about how others may look down on them, they're actually the ones looking down on themselves the most. I have met loads of incredibly successful people and the more successful they are, the less defensive they are when it comes to talking about the problems they encounter in their line of work. Conversely, it is those who have achieved the least who tend to be the most defensive and insecure: after all, why be your own worst enemy when there are enough nasty people out there who are trying to bring you down?

Is there a balance to be struck? Can we feel grateful for the blessings in our lives without becoming so comfortable that we never ever try to improve our situation? Or is naked ambition something that needs to be tamed, because there is always something else that we can want out there, something else to chase for? A lot of where you stand on that scale depends on your personality, but what if like me, you were brought up by risk-averse parents who never ever pushed you very hard - then what? Are you realizing your full potential in an environment where you're encouraged to settle for the easier option all the time? How happy are you with the number of zeros on your pay check and would you be ready to defend your job if I could offer you a better job that pays ten times more than what you currently earn? And why are Singaporeans usually lacking that kind of raw ambition and drive we have seen from people in other countries? Are you a settler or a maximizer in life? Let me know what you think please, do leave a comment below. Many thanks for reading.

25 comments:

  1. The points in your article resonate with me. I think the root causes for being a "settler" really stem from comfort. For example, many Singaporeans have grown up in relatively affluent households and had no real lack for anything growing up. This then leads to the lack of hunger and an extremely risk averse mentality as they are fearful of the unknown and the consequences of giving up their current lifestyle (comfort) would be too dire for them (such as lacking even the money to buy necessities as food). This can apply to even Singaporeans who grew up in poor households and are now earning relatively stable incomes as they do not wish to give up what they currently have and revert to their old lifestyles.

    Another part that resonates with me is that people often find it much easier to blame others for looking down on their circumstances. Like you, I advocate respect for every job and every human being. What I do not agree with is people not doing their best to improve circumstances and not taking responsibility for their own choices not to do so. At the end of it, we should be realistic and understand that you need to adapt to the system. That is unless one really wants to advocate change (I don't see many of these people doing so) and be Ghandi that is.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi there WC and thanks for your comment. Oh the settler mentality was one I grew up with as it was my father was totally like that - I think I've mentioned on my blog that one of my late uncles (my father's big brother) is fabulously wealthy, like we're talking crazy rich and he was a timber merchant who made millions? But did my father ever try to make me talk to my uncle, to try to get some career advice, for me to try to follow in my uncle's footsteps? No, to my father, my uncle was practically invisible and the only time when he would talk about him was to badmouth him about the things that went wrong in his life (his first marriage failed) and my father used to make it sound like his big brother was this horrible man who couldn't make his marriage work and there was a part of me that was like, hello? Why is uncle so crazy rich but we're so poor? And if I ever went near there, he would come up with the 'how dare you look down on your own parents? what is wrong with being teachers? we perform such a vital, important role in society etc ...' Yeah, in hindsight, my dad was probably hugely insecure about being much poorer than his older brother. Like we were so poor that we once took my uncle's old sofa because we couldn't afford nice things, so his second hand sofa was nicer than anything we could afford to get - that's a childhood memory for you. Luckily, none of my siblings are poor today, thankfully we all have well paid jobs, but boy imagine having a sibling who earns like ten or twenty times what you earn, who can make in one month what you struggle to make in a year. That must suck and that was what my dad went through for so many years with this fabulously rich older brother.

      So my dad's mentality of 'how dare you look down on teachers, what is wrong with teachers' was pretty much a reflection of how he felt compared to his crazy rich big brother. He just felt hugely insecure and scared of people looking down on him, because in his mind he always knew he was less successful than his big brother.

      Now all that is entirely a function of my father's feelings about what he earned vs what his brother earned - but he externalized it by accusing others of being horrible people because he couldn't address the issue of why he was so much poorer than his big brother. Yeah my parents didn't know how to rationalize their feelings in a reasonable manner.

      So you get the idea - I think my father is hardly unique in this aspect, so many Singaporeans must be just like them.

      Delete
    2. Oh talking about this just brought back another childhood memory: I was like 7 or 8 years old and we went to visit my uncle, I saw all the nice things that my cousins had and we went for a swim in my uncle's pool. I swear I was on my best behaviour because I was in awe of my uncle, but I think I said something like I don't have nice things like that (or something to that effect in Chinese, I can't recall the exact words). When we got home, my father flew into a rage and beat me up, screaming at me - he was so angry it was frightening, he accused me of behaving badly and embarrassing him in front of his brother. Of course as a kid, I just cried, I genuinely believed that I was badly behaved, I was rude and I must have said something wrong. But guess what? I did nothing wrong, I remember clearly: I think the way I stared at all the beautiful toys, a beautiful books that my cousin had, I didn't say anything impolite but my envy, my jealousy must have been pretty clear. I guess as a child, I wasn't good at hiding my emotions or being subtle - so my father must have realized that I felt jealous of my cousins and that expression of jealousy (hey, which 7 year old kid wouldn't want nice things eh?) made my dad feel insecure as he must have thought he was a lousier father than my uncle (well, that's true as well) and so instead of dealing with his feelings, he took it out on me by beating me up and blaming it all on me (yup, let's give the father of the year award to my crazy, mentally unstable dad who blamed his child for his own insecurities).

      And now you know what kind of fucked up childhood I had. My father always accused me of behaving badly in front of my uncle, so I wasn't allowed to visit my uncle - but the truth was, he hated the way I made him feel inadequate as a father when I saw all the nice things my cousins had. What kind of father would do that kinda shit to a 7 year old child I ask you? It was all so fucked up.

      I know these are horrible stories, painful memories: but it does put a lot of what I am talking about - this settler mentality - into perspective.

      And now you know why I barely talk to my dad - that's the kind of childhood memories that I have. The more I remember, the more nasty shit I dig up and that's why I don't even wanna talk to him today, I want nothing to do with him.

      Delete
    3. Oh man I totally get what you mean. My late dad was a taxi driver and my mom was a housewife. They used to make all sorts of promises about bringing me for a holiday etc but obviously these never materialized. I remember when I was like 11 or so, they took all my painstakingly saved money in a full KFC piggy bank (the musical kind that was highly popular) to pay off some debts. I recall I was staring sadly at some books in a book store when my aunt asked me why I couldn't use my savings to buy a book (she knew I saved religiously). When I told her the truth as a young innocent kid, they gave me the thrashing of my life at home and told me how I had embarrassed them. Same as your situation: My parents were clearly insecure as well and blamed me for their insecurities.

      The thing I never understood was that given their insecurities, they never tried their best to be more successful or improve themselves. My mom was actually capable and even helped one of my aunts run her retail shop for a few months when my aunt was sick. My dad could cook a mean char kway teow and oyster omelette but he would always say that he did not have the capital to set up a hawker stall. Now when I started working for a few years and offered to sponsor him to set up the stall, he declined making excuses like how tough it would be etc.

      To me, if you are perfectly contented where you are, that is fine. I know people like that and they readily accept their lower income levels and more frugal lifestyles. However, if one has so much insecurities as our parents for example, what is the point of living in such insecurities? I can understand if they tried and failed but what I cannot understand is not even trying. I recall speaking to my mum about it and her excuse was "Oh, you don't understand. Life is tough and we are old." To put this in context, this was when my mom was 44 years old and my dad was 48 or so.

      Therefore, whenever I read your experiences, I really feel like I can identify with them. I feel the exact same way: I cannot speak to my mum for prolonged periods at times (still living with her for now) without getting angry as I will start to remember all the nasty shit in the past. Hopefully, one day, I can get over this. I also wish you the same although I really do not know if this is possible.

      Delete
    4. You know, reading about all of this reminds me of something else (and it is good to get it off my chest, thanks for sharing). I remember when my nephew was really quite young, I was playing some kind of silly game with him and his family - so there were a few of us, definitely his parents, him and I were playing and he lost the game. It was a silly game amongst family but he kinda expected us to let him win as he was the youngest or perhaps he genuinely believed he could win against 3 adults (which was improbable) - but regardless, you know what he did? He threw a tantrum and accused his parents of making him feel like crap because they let him lose the game like that. Now that's a child making others responsible for their feelings and I was wondering how I should have dealt with that, fortunately his father was there and took him aside to talk about everyone being responsible for their own feelings and learning how to cope with it. I think my nephew could have been excused for his immature response because he was quite young when that happened, but the shocking thing is I can see exactly where he learnt that from - my parents. My parents would never ever take any responsibility for their own feelings - no, instead they would blame others for it. So for example, if my dad felt it was unfair that his brother was so rich whilst we were humble (we weren't poor - he was a teacher, but we had a humble lifestyle), then the one person he took it out on was me because I had the audacity to express envy as my cousins had beautiful, nice things in life that I didn't. So I was condemned as the spoilt brat who brought shame to the family and constantly beaten up for that - whereas the truth was, my father was the immature idiot who didn't know how to handle his feelings of jealousy over the fact that his big brother was extremely rich. I grew up afraid to even mention my uncle by name because I knew that would simply lead to bad consequences, usually a beating.

      My father had the emotional maturity of an 8 year old child when it came to handling such feelings - he couldn't work them out in his head, so he had to lash out at someone. He couldn't lash out at his bother, so he lashed out at me by beating me up when I was very young.

      I am relieved that my nephew has a very intelligent father who knows how to handle issues like that because children need to be taught how to handle such feelings or else they end up like my father. Anyway, he's paying the price for it now by being estranged from his only son - but guess what? He'll just blame me for that as well but I can live with that. I'm not going to try to change him, sometimes it is just easier to walk away from a fight you can't win. I'll rather focus on my work - at least I can win the battles I pick there and make a lot of money.

      Delete
    5. This is really interesting. Was your nephew taken care of a lot by your parents when he was really young?

      I shall migrate to your next post which is also interesting and comment there

      Delete
    6. Yes my nephew was taken care of a lot by my parents when he was very young - my sister and her husband work long hours (typical) so my parents stepped in and provided childcare. That is pretty typical in Singapore actually.

      Delete
  2. There can never be too many zeros on my paycheck. To say that enough is enough is silly. However, we have to be grateful for what we have and do good with our money. Look at Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, Warren Buffet, and others who have accumulated immense wealth and stayed grounded and helped organizations around the world. Yes, you can have it all. You just have to have good values and know that we are just stewards of this earth. We are here on transit. We shall move on. While we are here, we must do the best we can to live the best we can.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well Di, I don't know if you have read my comment above. My dad used to beat me up because I expressed jealousy/envy towards my cousins; you see, my uncle (ie. my dad's big brother) is fabulously wealthy, like he is CRAZY rich. And my dad's just a priamry school teacher and he used to badmouth his brother all the time and say things like, money can't make you happy, look his first marriage ended up in divorce, money is evil etc. He used to accuse me of being a spoilt brat each time I ever expressed a desire to have anything new (books, clothes, toys etc) and like for crying out aloud, I had such a humble upbringing, my siblings and I had nothing - as if we were spoilt brats for crying out aloud. But even asking for something as simple as ice cream? No, that would make us spoilt brats. We were not allowed to ask for anything at all and soon we learnt not to ask, because you were never going to get what you asked for - all you were going to get was a scolding and perhaps a beating.

      But of course, in hindsight (which is always 2020), I can see what is going on so clearly. Imagine if you had a sibling, an older brother who earns x10, maybe even x50 what you earned. Oh the jealousy and envy. My dad must have felt incredibly insecure and pathetic when he realized just how rich his brother was and how humble and poor we were. But instead of dealing with those feelings, he would take it out on his children and punish us for being 'spoilt brats' who were ungrateful the moment we even expressed a desire for anything new. The fact is my dad couldn't provide for his family quite the way his big brother could - that must have frustrated him but he didn't know how to deal with it apart from beating up his children whenever we made him feel inadequate. It was so ridiculous.

      I remember once I was a kid, like I was so young, My uncle had been on a trip to somewhere in Europe and I was in his house, he had left some photos out and I looked at those photos. I was so shy and quiet, I didn't say a word, but I let out a smile as I looked at those colourful photos of him in Europe. My father beat the crap out of me for looking at those photos - he said I was rude to go through my uncle's things without his permission and as a kid, I genuinely believed that I had done something wrong. That's so messed up. Of course, it was my father's own insecurity, he couldn't afford to bring his families on fancy holidays and seeing his own son look at someone else's holiday photographs made him feel insecurity and inadequate - so what does he do with those feelings?

      He beats up a helpless young child and blames the child for everything.

      Now you know what kind of childhood I had.

      Delete
    2. Anyway, I just wanted to share that and let you know the reason behind this mentality - some people like my father are simply not able to add a zero to his paycheck. He is a teacher, he could perhaps marginally increase his salary slightly by giving tuition but that's a difficult and slow way to increase your salary. Then he sees his brother raking in so much money - I remember once, like my cousin was going on a short holiday and my uncle gave her a wad of cash to spend on holiday, that wad of cash could have been more than what my dad made in a month as a teacher. And my cousin was going shopping with it, spending it in fancy restaurants and souvenirs. How do you deal with those feelings of jealousy when you see people so close to you (like a sibling) have so much whilst you don't?

      So to say that they get defensive and go on the counter attack in a "how dare you look down on teachers? What is wrong with teachers" manner, well, you get it - my father had a huge chip on his shoulder and never got over it, not even after his big brother passed away.

      Delete
    3. Money can buy happiness better than poverty can. There are two types of people who say money can't buy happiness. First, they have so much money, they don't know what it is like to be poor, or they have forgotten. Second, they don't have money, so they tell themselves and others that money can't buy happiness in order to feel better about themselves. Your father seems bitter, jealous, and insecure.
      As a teacher myself, I have told my son that he should think of teaching as a last resort. I have no qualms telling my son that he can do better than being a teacher. Indeed, he can! Your dad's insecurity made him defensive about teaching. Yes, son, there is plenty wrong with being a teacher. Teachers are highly underpaid is just one of the wrongs.

      Delete
    4. Here's the thing that upsets me Di - I think there is a very rational way to deal with the issue of why some people earn more than others. It is a very good introduction for children to start to think about their future careers: how much do they wish to earn? How many zeros do they want on their paycheck? How hard are they willing to work for it? Are they willing to make the sacrifices necessary to get to where they want? Well, that's how I would deal with it anyway - so how do we explain to a child why a nurse or a taxi driver earns less than a banker or a doctor? You can then talk about the correlation between the training and the entry level for each profession: ie. it doesn't take much to become an Uber driver, but it takes years of training to become a brain surgeon, hence the latter earns so much more than the former. I know how to break it down academically to explain this even to say an 8 year old child.

      However, what frustrated me with my parents was that they didn't even think about trying to explain anything to me - no, they expected me to shut up and not question them about anything. And if I raised the issue, I was labeled a spoilt brat who was too demanding, wanting things I didn't deserve, being totally ungrateful for what I already had. So it was clear that my father was so consumed by his bitterness, jealousy and insecurity that he couldn't even have a civilized conversation with me about the broader issue without lashing out at me as if it was somehow my fault that I reminded him that he earned less than his brother.

      The fact is I don't have a problem with teachers, I think it is a noble profession and yes it is underpaid - what I do have a problem with however, is my father's extremely irrational approach to the matter, whereby he would first try to shut down any rational discussion by hurling personal insults at me for daring to raise the topic and if that didn't work, he would use his fists to beat me into submission.

      It is pretty scary when a grown man has so little control over his jealousy. He couldn't beat up his brother or his parents, so he beat me up. Father of the year, not.

      Delete
  3. Hi Limpeh, I've been a reader for sometime now but it's my first time commenting. I think majority of Singaporeans are happy with just 'settling' -- draw a stable, humble paycheck, but a BTO, house, etc. I graduated from NUS last year and I don't think it's the kind of life I'd want. I want a little bit more than that. Move overseas, start a business. Would you have any advice for someone like me?

    My parents are a bit like yours (but not as extreme, maybe 75%). I'm worried about ending up like your sister (nothing wrong with that, but it's not what I want). I don't need to be earning 6 figures a month like you do, but I'm definitely hungry for me, I'm just not exactly sure how to get there.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Ninja,

      I don't know enough about you - I don't know what you studied, I don't know what kind of job you have now, I don't even know what you would like ultimately in terms of your career goals, so in the absence of any kind of specific information about you, I really cannot give you any concrete advice that is going to be useful to you. Feel free to tell me more about yourself and give me something useful to respond to please.

      I don't quite know how to respond to what you said about earning 6 figures a month - the fact is, there are many ways to get fulfillment out of what you do; and one of the most rewarding parts of my job is the way my boss is quite hands off, I am allowed to do my own thing, develop my own strategies, pursue my own ideas and he lets me have the freedom to do all that (but he's there if I need help). I know of people who may not have that kind of freedom at all and what they do is dictated to by the boss and for me, that's not something I want. So if you offered me more money but I had to give up that freedom, then I would say no thanks - not worth it. I value the work environment I have now and you will have to offer me a LOT more money to move to a far more rigidly structured environment. Some people prefer having that structure so they don't have to think too hard what to do next, they prefer just following instructions where I don't like that. I prefer feeling more in control over what I do.

      As for what you can do, well you've taken a positive first step in coming to talk to me. Go talk to more people. I think the problem with my sister is that between her work and her time at home, she only hangs around with people who have a very similar outlook in life and I think it is vital that we open our minds to different perspectives and meet people who will challenge the way we think. I think I must be the only person within her social circle who is radically different, you need to find people in your life who will open your mind and teach your new things, whereas I am not sure the people my sister hangs around with are really stretching her imagination that much. I could be wrong, but for what it is worth, go talk to people who will challenge the way you think. That's a vital first step.

      Delete
    2. Hi Limpeh, thank you so much for your reply, I’m sorry it took me so long to get back.

      I studied finance at NUS and I would love provide more details but I’m also worried about leaving behind an identifying digital trail.

      My situation is similar to your friend Kelly’s (from http://limpehft.blogspot.com/2018/06/notes-6-lies-of-chinese-teacher.html). My parents don’t have a career; they have dead-end jobs. It was my fault for not looking past that, finding mentors, and thinking more about what I want from life / a career. Hopefully it’s not too late at twenty-three.

      One of my goals is to be Somewhere Else. After twenty-plus years here, it’s starting to be a little stifling. I will take up your advice to “talk to more people”, but I think in Singapore (unfortunately) people like you are in the minority.

      Another one is that I hope it pays well. Maybe I don’t know enough to know better and think that money can solve everything. But right now I’m just sick of being broke. I wanna work myself into a position where you will have to offer me a LOT more money to move elsewhere :)



      I recently finished a book that talked about reverse convertibles, dual currency investments, and other sexy things, so when I revisited one of your older entries (http://limpehft.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/why-do-we-crave-approval.html) and saw “RCS”, I was like “oh I know what that means”

      If you have the time, could you consider writing more about your job and what it deals with?



      Thank you again for everything!!

      Delete
    3. Wow you're digging up posts from 2012. LOL, that's 6 years ago. When I had a full head of hair and when I was fairly new to blogging. I started in 2011. I am still working for the same boss (different company, different industry, same laoban) but making a LOT more money now. Oh he still looks at me as if I am an idiot sometimes, some things never change - to be fair, yeah I'm not that smart, I do make mistakes, sometimes maybe I do deserve a scolding or two for making mistakes, but I have decided a long time ago that I'm giving myself the approval I need.

      I have written a piece about my job a while ago - now, again, the problem with these pieces is that they were accurate at the time I wrote it, this was written in Feb last year http://limpehft.blogspot.com/2017/02/have-i-ever-explained-what-i-do-for.html Crikey, that's like what, 1 year 4 months ago?
      My job has evolved since of course but doing corporate bonds is still the main bread & butter of what we do. I have branched out into short term bridging loans and generally just being the matchmaker between credit & finance for institutions (and getting a finder's fee which is usually 6-figures each time, not a bad gig).

      As for your situation, hey, I am empathize. You have aspiration, you have hunger, you have drive - you know the young man who came to talk to me at the event in Barcelona? Sure enough he has followed up with me and I met up with him in London , I sat down with him and gave him a long talk about his future. He wants to give up a lucrative job for an even more lucrative job, but there's a risk that it doesn't work out and he has a lot to lose. I admire his spirit, people willing to take risks usually will do whatever it takes to make things work out.

      Delete
    4. And if you wanna make money + if you can get your head around complex financial instruments, then you need to sell. Look, even in a small company like the one I work for, we employ LOADS of accountants in the back office and they don't earn that much sitting in the office all day in front of the computers, it isn't that fun either. Then you have the structuring team who are sitting down all day in the office in front of the computers, going through loads of paperwork - they're not having fun either. And neither the structuring nor the back office team are making the big bucks - don't get me wrong, they are probably making respectable money compared to their peers but only two groups of people make the big bucks: the management (cos they are keeping most of the profits for themselves, but hey they deserve that because as the bosses they are the ones taking all the risks to start & run the company - that's a huge responsibility, something I'm not prepared to do, cos if the company fails, I walk away but they have to suffer a huge loss) and the sales staff cos we work for commissions and when we sell a lot, the commissions are mind blowing. We're talking a 6-figure commission pay check in sterling and the first figure isn't 1. Any company can have the best product in the world but if you're not selling the product, you're not making money - that's why sales people make so much in commissions.

      But are you a salesperson? A very old article, but the basic principles are there http://limpehft.blogspot.com/2013/05/q-lets-talk-about-sales.html Also, watch the Wolf of Wall Street as homework for inspiration.

      Delete
  4. Hi LIFT, achievement is such a complex issue but I think a overarching theme in Singapore is an overly structured environment. Things have to be done a certain way, exams have to be passed, milestones and KPIs have to be met at every turn of the road. With no imagination is it possible to have ambition? Even people seeking more zeros at the end of the paycheck aim to do it the most boring ways possible: doctor, lawyer, investment banker, and people who don't have what it takes to do these jobs maybe just end up settling?
    I totally empathize with the story about your dad; I had a mild but somewhat similar experience as a child (can't have been more than 10) when my mother brought me to her friend's house. I don't really remember anything particularly opulent about the family and house we visited, but on the drive back my mother was complaining bitterly about how their kids had more toys and nicer things, and what my father provided for us just paled in comparison. Even some 20 odd years later I'm not sure how to respond to such behaviour.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    2. Hi XM. Thanks for sharing.

      1. I don't think there's anything wrong with settling if that's what you wanna do, if that's what's gonna make you happy. However, what I despise is the way people who settle still feel very insecure about having made that choice and lash out at people who even come close to talking about where they stack up against others in society. People like my father, who would fly into a rage each time the topic of his mega-rich brother is mentioned and he can't cope with those feelings. Ironically, my super rich late uncle lived between Novena & Newton and my sister is living a few streets away now in that same prestigious neighbourhood - I don't know how my father is coping with the fact that his daughter + son-in-law are earning soooo much more than he ever did. Like my brother-in-law probably makes in a month what my father made in a year as a teacher.

      2. As for that story from when you were a child, was your father in the car at that time? I think we've stumbled upon a huge topic here. Of course life isn't fair. What is the point of working hard to earn more money if you refuse to use that money to provide for your family? But then again, how much your parents earn is completely luck of the draw - some of us have richer parents, some of us have poorer parents and what is plain normal for one child may be impossible for another. I remember this kid in school - I was in primary 3 I think, he asked the teacher how to write abalone in Chinese during Chinese lesson and it was a list of things he wanted to write about his Chinese new year experience. And there was one kid in the class who didn't know what it was, so the teacher thought he only knew the Chinese word bao yu, but even then he didn't know what it was either - then you realized oh that kid is so poor his family can't even afford abalone at Chinese new year whilst for the other kids, it's just Chinese new year food. Is it fair? No it isn't, it is completely random and hence totally unfair.

      So how do we deal with that unfairness in life? Do we fly into a rage, blame others and beat someone up? Or is there a more rational way to make sense of our feelings?

      Delete
    3. No my father wasn't in the car, my mum was just venting to me, expecting somehow that a kid will be able to cope with such bad-mouthing! I think she was more just angry at the state of her marriage (why other people get 'better' husbands) than at money affairs...

      Delete
    4. It is scary to think that your mother had nobody to turn to, to talk about things like that. That's what friends are for.

      Delete
  5. I'm revising to take the IELTS so that i can escape Singapore in 3 years time. I regret staying in my previous company 3-4 years too long. I initially wanted to leave earlier but HR convinced me to stay by saying things would improve (nothing changed). Now i will just grab the bulls by the horn and resign without ever talking to HR or management. Afterall they are only considering the best interests of the corporation and I am my best advocate at the end of the day.

    But still I'm glad i left when i did. Not to long after i left the company retrenched 4 staff members (first time since its establishment in 1993). And i recently heard that the company sales was in the gutters due to the loss of the 2 casinos as customers. So staying on with a company would mean continued job security stress as well as depressed wages.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, my friend, I am looking at a similar situation in my company whereby we have lost half the technical staff from the London office and the jobs went to our office in Estonia because for every 1 person you hire in London you can hire 2 or 3 Estonians and they work so much harder. I am still vital enough to the company that I know they can't replace me but that's dependent on me delivering great results rather than sitting on my laurels. The fact is, I'm sales - not technical staff - if they can find someone in Estonia who can sell as well as I do, then fair enough, my days will be numbered but so far, there's nobody quite like me given my language skills and my ability to open doors which have been shut to the company in the past.

      Anyway, I am off to Estonia tomorrow to spend some time bonding with the team there and it'll be a long weekend of sightseeing with them, all in the name of building team spirit.

      Delete
  6. Update: You know the guy who approached me at the event? It has been 3 years, I tried to help him find a new job but in the end, he managed to find something else on his own - one thing led to another, today he is a director of a private equity firm earning an insane amount of money. He is hungry for success and has a brilliant attitude.

    ReplyDelete