Moving beyond petty insults: how to really hurt someone

Hello again people. I don't believe in responding to trolls and haters but in this case, I found this troll so hilarious and I thought, yeah I could do a post about this, we could explore the issue. I think trolls come to my blog, insulting me expecting me to get hurt or upset but I think the last thing they expect me to do is to have a frank discussion about the issue. You see, most people get extremely defensive when they get insulted but that's giving the haters exactly what they want. I remember this scene from a TV show I saw years ago (sorry I don't remember the name of the show), this hater came to a woman and said, "hey, long time no see, oh my, you look like you've put on about ten pounds!" The woman laughed it off and said, "why thank you, actually it is more like 20 pounds, but I'm so glad you thought that it was only ten!" You see, the hater wanted the woman to feel upset or insulted for 'appearing fat' - but the woman denied her the satisfaction of being insulted and laughed it off instead. It is time to play 'Shake It Off' by Taylor Swift before we continue.

So this hater left a comment on one of my earlier posts and I shall cut and paste what 'Mark' said, "SURE Lift, SAY WHATEVER YOU NEED TO SAY TO BE HAPPY..CLEARLY, SOMEONE FAIL AT ACTING..." Oh dear, firstly this person typed in CAPS. Oh dear. If you have to resort to using CAPS to shout, then you're only giving others the impression that you don't have confidence in your own choice of words, maybe Mark thought his words wouldn't have the impact he desired, that's why he had to type it ALL IN CAPS in order to shout. Rather than using CAPS, why not spend a few moments thinking about what you want to say first, use the least number of words to have the maximum impact. Find the most efficient way to convey your message with the maximum impact - often, less is more. But hey, that's what I do for a living: I edit most of the marketing material that my company produces and I am a fine writer. Now if Mark wanted to make a point that I am a failure because I have effectively given up on acting to focus on my day job in finance, well then there are several ways he could have done that a lot more efficiently. Here's the irony: I'm about to teach Mark how to insult me, because let's face it, he's probably a young man who's not particularly educated and doesn't quite know how to communicate effectively in English, particularly when it comes to social media. Trolling someone like that is just painfully childish. Oh dear. You know, not everyone is born witty - it is not something that can be taught unfortunately. 

Now there's a difference between simply shouting at someone to vent your anger because you're angry and truly being able to hurt their feelings. When I was young, my parents used to lose their temper and shout at me, sometimes they would pick up anything from books to cups and throw them across the room. When they did that, I would think, "okay you've lost your temper, you're crazy, you're out of control, I'm just going to ignore you until you've calmed down because you're totally irrational right now." And that's me putting it mildly - anything they screamed at the top of their voices when they were in that state I effectively dismissed, there's just no way someone could be taken seriously when they act like that, that is simply not the way reasonable adults behave (but my parents are severely autistic, that explains their ridiculous behaviour). So if Mark starts screaming insults at me in CAPITAL LETTERS, then I would simply dismiss him as someone who is irrational and not to be taken seriously. Trust me, I've had decades of experience in ignoring my crazy parents who love nothing more than shouting at me - feel free to shout at me all you want, that's not the same as someone actually hurting my feelings. I'm pretty immune to people shouting insults at me, it bothers me as much as a dog barking at me. If you want to hurt my feelings, there's a different way to do so and I'm actually going to tell you exactly what that is. But first, please have a look at the clip below: that's what usually happens when you just yell insults:

So here are the facts: I started acting professionally in 2004 and here's my full CV. I have had a good year acting in 2016: I was in Hungary doing a high profile ad campaign during the summer and in the autumn, I spent time in Germany filming as I got a nice part in a German film. I was surprised that many people in Germany remember me from the high profile lead role I did in 2015 for the popular German TV drama series Alarm Fur Cobra 11. All that after having been paid an obscene amount of money for the 2014 Snickers Mr Bean ad that is still running in Canada, Australia and Europe. Add to that a BBC radio drama, some reality TV and stunt work, a couple of music videos and projects in five countries, the period of 2014 to 2016 had exceeded my expectations when it came to just how much acting work I got and I proved that I'm not just a one trick pony: I did everything from dance professionally to act in German to doing physical comedy with Mr Bean, demonstrating an immensely diverse skill set when it came to performing. So if Mark considers that a failure, then well - I wonder what benchmark he is measuring my accomplishments against.

Then came 2017 and the work dried up - I only did two small projects this year and I don't know why acting work has eluded me this year: I still attended the auditions that my agent sends me to and in the meantime, I started work as a broker in corporate finance towards the end of last year. So at least I wasn't sitting at home feeling sorry for myself at how 2017 has been disappointing when it came to the acting work, I have been busy carving myself a brand new career this year and making quite a lot of money in this new job (which I am pretty good at). I am still using my same skill sets ultimately, as a salesman brokering distribution deals between my company and various distributors, helping develop and nurture these third party distribution channels. I think the saying that comes to mind is "every cloud has its silver lining" - would I rather be playing a lead in a high profile action movie today rather than working in corporate finance? Of course, but that option has not been offered to me this year. I am making the best of the situation. The other cliche that comes to mind is "when life gives you lemon, make lemonade" and I am happy enough with the lemonade I'm drinking today.

What is "a failed actor" then? When has someone failed at acting? Well allow me to explain that to you as I've come across loads of people who have tried hard to get into this industry and failed - I even have a mathematical formula for it. Some actors have spent a lot of money going to expensive drama schools - there are acting courses that can last anything from 1 to 4 years and can cost in excess of £9,000 a year in fees alone, when you add living costs (rent, food, bills etc), an actor could easily have spent in excess of £50,000 just in the few years training to get into the acting industry. So there is a simple ratio there, how much you have invested in your training vs how much you have earned as an actor. The fact is most actors fail to even break even on the amount they have spent on these very expensive acting courses - I am cynical about these drama schools because there is really little correlation between successful actors and the amount of money they spend on training. Of course, the big stars in Hollywood who make millions are clearly success stories because they have clearly made a huge profit on whatever they made have invested in their acting training. Can you imagine say an accountant spending thousands to become qualified only to fail to recoup that investment working as an accountant? Well, I am judging actors by the same standard. If you can't even break even on your initial investment, then you're a failed actor. The mark of a successful actor is the ability to get well-paid work, not simply pass some exams at an expensive drama school. The fact is anyone can take acting classes at a drama school: you just have to pay for them, but only truly talented actors can get well-paid, high profile acting work. 

After having spoken with a lot of actors, I didn't bother with drama school - I did a cost-benefit analysis and decided I was better off without it given the opportunity cost of spending that much time and money on a useless piece of qualification. I had some training whilst I did TSD at VJC but as a humanities scholar, I didn't pay any school fees then - courtesy of the MOE. Likewise, I relied heavily on the fact that I was a former national champion gymnast: once again, I didn't have to pay for my training at all, scholarships from the Singapore Sports Council took care of that. So thanks to my scholarships in Singapore, I got all the training I needed for free and decided that was more than enough to get me started in the industry. Hence it was very easy for me to make a massive profit acting: I had given up a lucrative full time job in sales to go into acting and I wouldn't have kept it up if it meant reducing me to poverty. I have been very selective in terms of acting projects I get involved in: so I would say yes to very well paid jobs like high profile ad campaigns with celebrities and no to doing plays at the Edinburgh festival. Oh fuck that latter, hardly anyone makes any money there. I've seen enough actors who are struggling to make ends meet - there's absolutely nothing romantic about poverty in your 40s.

I have a good understanding with my acting agents that I have a day job in finance that is both lucrative and demanding - I am happy to take time off work if it is a good project that pays even more than what I make on a daily basis at work. Since I work in sales and am paid mostly in commission, my bosses don't mind if I take time off work from time to time, they trust that I am greedy to earn more money, so I will find a way to make the sales happen. After all, they only need to pay me when I do make the sales, it is an arrangement that suits everyone. Let me tell you about the most lucrative ad campaign I've done: the Snickers ad campaign with Mr Bean (Rowan Atkinson) in 2014. We filmed for 2 weeks in April then and I've been paid over £100,000 in various global buy-out contracts as the ad has been used in countries from China to Australia to Russia to Canada to the UK and the usage of the ad has just been renewed for yet another year in Canada, Australia and continental Europe. When was the last time Mark was paid £100,000 (approximately S$180,000) for two weeks' work? And here's the irony: I've worked with plenty of celebrities over the years and the truly successful ones are the nicest people you'll ever meet. People like Mark who go around calling others "failure" probably have achieved very little in life and are projecting their insecurities onto others, misery loves company. He's probably very disappointed with his own failures and is jealous of others who have actually done a lot more with their lives.

But wait, it gets better. I suppose some of you may be asking me, "Limpeh, if you can make that kind of money as an actor, even if you don't do such lucrative projects all the time, surely the fact that you can make this kind of money like that once in a while should be enough reason for you not to bother with finance?" And my reply to that is simple: do you know how much money I am currently making in my current job? Granted it is not as fun as working with a legend like Rowan Atkinson but I'm making a lot more in finance today. I'm purely going by the odds: the odds of me making a sale in my current job are far better than the odds I face when auditioning for a part. I know which option allows me to make more money quickly and I love making money. Yes sometimes it is making money for the sake of making money, that in itself is fun and rewarding, but I am also able to do fun things with my money, such as go on fun holidays. So for what it is worth, I am fairly satisfied with the balance I have with my life right now - I am currently planning a long summer holiday.

So if Mark really wanted to insult me, make me feel bad he should have figured out what hurts me the most, what keeps me awake at night, what I have genuine regrets about. And you know what hurts the most? The near misses. Look, if I never even came close to auditioning for a lead role in the 13 years I have been acting, then I would given up on acting a very long time ago, I would have been the first to have dismissed it a total waste of time and to turn back to what I know best, in the world of sales. But I have had the chance to audition for some extremely high profile parts in major films and TV dramas. I've had some success (particularly in Germany, of all places) but for example, I have auditioned for the part of Xander Feng in House of Cards (season 2). I actually made the shortlist of the 'handful' of actors who were considered for the part after a long audition process and I lay awake at night sometimes thinking what if I had been picked for the part. Of course, the role went to Terry Chen, a Chinese-Canadian actor who has enjoyed far more success than I have and whilst I knew that my chances were slim, I do wonder if I had been a bit better prepared for the auditions, would I have changed my fate? Say if I had spent that extra evening rehearsing and preparing, working on the character's accent instead of going to gymnastics training or seeing my friends, would my life had been totally different as a result?

And that's just one big role I had missed out on, I could name you many more roles that I had auditioned for, including one just last week which I would dearly love to do. And whilst I worked hard to prepare myself for the audition, I always leave the audition feeling that I could have done it just a bit better, if I had just spent a few more hours rehearsing. It is painful, frustrating and upsetting to even begin to think about the 'what ifs', I don't even want to start thinking about why I wasn't picked in the near misses, when I was second choice - could I have done something different, something better to have changed the outcome? That's when I start blaming myself, I wonder if I had worked hard enough, taken the process seriously enough and had put in as much effort as the person they chose instead of me. I think the first time I had that feeling was after a geography exam in secondary school, I knew I didn't study hard enough and had let myself down - the questions were not that difficult but I simply had not revised. I had gone for gymnastics training instead of revising because I was arrogant, over confident: I had always been good at geography, it was a subject I enjoyed very much at school and excelled at. Yet as I stared at the diagrams before me in the exam, my mind went blank and I got angry with myself. I knew that if I had spent as little as half an hour revising that particular chapter, I would know the answers I needed but I was now paying a high price not so much for my stupidity, but for my arrogance in believing I didn't need to revise much for the exam. You'd think that I learnt my lesson after messing up that geography exam, but I still give in to arrogance all the time. There is a brilliant music video by Kylie on this theme about fighting with your own demons, struggling with self-doubt. Unfortunately Blogger won't let me embed it here but click on this link to watch the original.

Such are the nature of auditions - they are high pressure situations, actors can get awfully nervous especially if they want the part really badly. I'd compare it to a job interview, you go in there, meet a bunch of people you've never met before and are expected to sparkle with personality, charm them and make them like you. Even if you have never attended an audition before, I'm sure you would have at least attended a job interview before (and if you're a student reading this, then you will undoubtedly attend some job interviews once you start looking for work). I have messed up some auditions before and when that happens, my first instinct is to pretend that never happened but at some point, at some level, I would start blaming myself for having messed up - especially if it was a part I really wanted. And once I start blaming myself, I can feel depressed about it. You see, it is one thing if I didn't get the part because the director didn't like me, or that they found someone more suitable - that's fine, I can live with that, absolutely. But if I realized that I didn't get the part because it was entirely my fault for messing up, then that's a lot harder to deal with. It brings me right back to that geography exam in secondary school when I get so angry with myself for being my own worst enemy.

So you see, if Mark wanted to insult me, or make me feel really rotten about myself, then he totally went about it the wrong way. Telling me that I am a failure would only make me recount my magnificent CV about all the wonderful projects I have done - from being immortalized in a Mr Bean skit to dancing with Madonna in her music video to having been a minor celebrity in Germany. No, now if you wanted to make me feel bad about myself, then you would say something like, "what a shame Alex, you had so many opportunities given to you, you had the chance to audition for so many big roles but how many of them did you actually get? What a shame, you could have been so much more famous if you haven't sabotaged your own acting career by being so arrogant and confident. What did you think was going to happen when you showed up for those auditions without having prepared properly? You are so talented yet you are your own worst enemy - that's the biggest shame. You're not an idiot who has no hope at all in making it in this industry, but someone who squandered countless opportunities. How do you manage to sleep at night, knowing that the only person holding you back is yourself?" Oh, now that would have hurt a lot more. I know where my weaknesses are, I know how to attack others and exploit their vulnerability: that's how I would have attacked myself. Because I know I should have changed after that geography exam in secondary school, but I haven't learnt my lesson yet. I'm still way too arrogant.

I have worked in sales for many years and when you have a sales team, there can be a lot of quite intense rivalry amongst the colleagues. I see the way people have used this method to attack someone who seems to be on top of their game, who have just delivered a few months of excellent sales. How do you insult someone who is doing so well? Simple: undermine their self-confidence. Even successful people could have self-confidence issues, especially if they are unsure if they can continue deliver great results. There's no point in merely hurling insults - even if you screamed vile insults like a banshee, you're just going to look like a total lunatic. Accusing a thin woman of being fat isn't going to somehow make her put on weight, calling a rich man poor isn't somehow going to deplete his bank balance, calling a successful person a failure isn't going to somehow change his long list of accomplishments. That's why if you really want to hurt someone you don't like, you don't go round hurling insults - oh no, you get under their skin by undermining their self-confidence. Only dumb kids hurl insults because they can't come up with a more intelligent response.

Why is this such a lethal way to hurt people? Simple: when Mark insults me, it's pretty clear that he's not trying to endear himself to me, quite the opposite, he's trying to upset me with insults. In fact, that makes it very easy and convenient for me to dismiss whatever he says because I am not inclined to want to take whatever he has to say seriously now that I know he is both a troll and a hater. I walk away thinking, "he's just a hater, that's his problem - there's nothing wrong with me." But if someone managed to convince me that I had missed out on all those roles I had auditioned for over the years because I had been too arrogant and lazy, then oh dear - suddenly I realize that I am the one who is to be blamed for all my own failings, that I am my own worst enemy. That makes the situation so much worse, because it opens up a whole other can of worms: how could I have been blind to what I have been doing to undermine myself? How did I end up in this situation in the first place? How could I have not learnt from my past mistakes? Once you poison someone's mind with a serious amount of self-doubt, you could easily chip away at years of self-confidence and inflict a lot of damage - now that's the kind of damage I would gladly inflict on someone, I'd rarely ever indulge in the kind of name-calling not because it is extremely childish, but because if I really want to hurt someone, I'll make sure I inflict maximum damage.

Why insult someone when you can undermine their self-confidence?

Now I can't end this piece without telling you how I deal with people who try to undermine my self-confidence because it is something I have learnt to deal with over the years. Sure there are times when we doubt ourselves - that's completely normal because none of us are perfect, we all make mistakes and the key is to strike a good balance. I've met people who get so ridiculously defensive about their actions that they refuse to acknowledge any of their mistakes - how are you ever going to learn from your mistakes if you never take any responsibilities for them? But then there's the other extreme, when people spend too much time blaming themselves, refusing to let go of the mistakes of the past: they dwell on the regret rather than focus on what they need to do in order to avoid making those mistakes ever again. Such people usually lack the self-confidence to even forgive themselves for the mistakes they have made, that's why they never allow themselves to move on from those mistakes. I believe in striking the right balance when it comes to acknowledging your mistakes, taking responsibility for the things you've done wrong, forgiving yourself for having made those mistakes before thinking about how you can learn from those mistakes in order to become a better person as a result of that experience.

How do you get this balance just right? Well, I believe this boils down to self-confidence, learning to love yourself for the imperfect person you are, knowing that you're always prepared to try harder to improve yourself when you do make mistakes. You know, some people who refuse to take any responsibility for their mistakes actually may have very low self-confidence: my mother is one such person, she never ever says the word 'sorry' - it just isn't in her vocabulary. Is she so arrogant that it never occurs to her that she can make a mistake? No, quite the opposite. Her self-esteem is so low that she is terrified of the consequences of admitting a mistake - this is a result of her working as a primary school teacher. Let me give you a simple example: once in a classroom, she wrote on the blackboard "Mrs Haung" when she meant to write "Mrs Huang" - in her haste, she had accidentally transposed the letters a and u. The students pointed that mistake out to her as "Haung" cannot exist within the rule of Hanyupinyin. Instead of simply admitting her mistake, she claimed that some German people have the surname Haung and that she had even met a Mrs Haung from Germany before whilst on holiday. Of course that was a lie - Haung doesn't exist as a surname in Germany but she was terrified that if she had confessed to a simple error, she would 'lose face' in front of her students, they would stop respecting her and she would struggle to perform her job as a teacher once that happened. Unlike me, my mother doesn't speak German and she was gambling on the fact that none of her students spoke any German either. So after a lifetime of worrying about her credibility in front of her students, well, my mother's first instinct is to lie and come up with excuses instead of admitting a simple mistake and saying sorry. And sadly, it can make her very hard to deal with at times.

And yes, I have also met people who are genuinely so arrogant that they refuse to ever accept that they are in the wrong, they can be equally hard to deal with as well. Such people usually cause offence with their attitude and I have worked with people like that. That is not a good stance to take as you will never learn from your mistakes if you never even begin to acknowledge your faults. It takes the right balance of humility and pride when it comes to dealing with criticism: you never know if the person pointing out your faults is genuinely trying to help or if they are maliciously trying to undermine your self-confidence. I remain calm and listen to what they have to say with an open mind, knowing that I am discerning enough to tell the difference between the two. I pride myself in being able to read people well, so the problem with my mother for example, is that she assume that people will somehow look down on her if they realized that she has made a mistake - that's why her first instinct is to make an excuse rather than apologize. Whereas for me, I've realized that people may actually like me more if I apologized for my mistakes when it was clearly my fault. It seems pretty obvious when I explain it like that, but that's a point that has been oblivious to my mother all her life as she is severely autistic.

I grew up in a highly competitive environment in the world of gymnastics, when I learnt from a young age to discern the difference between a constructive criticism about my technique and a snide comment designed to put me down. It was even more vicious in the world of sales when I felt like I was swimming with the sharks everyday in the office, trying to figure of who was friend and who was foe, whom I could trust and whom I should beware of. All my life, I had been exposed to both people who are genuinely trying to help me and people who truly hate me - it is a double edged sword that has forced me to develop the necessary skills to be able to read people well. So when I realize that someone is a hater trying to undermine my confidence, I learn how to tune them out and deny them the power to influence me. It is no different from recognizing that a plant in the garden is toxic and simply making sure that even if you are in close proximity to it, you do not allow it to come into contact with your skin. You can't avoid coming into contact with people like that from time to time, but how much damage you allow them to do to your self-esteem is up to you: always be very observant so you can stay in control of the situation and have the ability to deny them any influence at all over you.

So that's it from me on this topic. What do you think? How do you respond to haters hurling insults at you? How do you deal with people trying to undermine your self-confidence? Or do you have a different way to quantify what is a 'failed actor' or how we judge success in the acting world? Do let me know what you think please, many thanks for reading.