Amina's question: a hijab at university

I have received a heartfelt question from a young Singaporean and it does cover so many topics that I have talked about on this blog. This is from 'Amina' (not her real name) and she is due to start university here in the UK in late September. It should be something that's quite exciting, but both her friends and her parents have their concerns.

Dear Uncle Limpeh:

Hi, my name is 'Amina' and I am an 18 year old Malay-Singaporean. I am due to start university in the UK this late September and it should really be something that I should be excited about, but my parents have been quite worried and I am reaching out to you for some advice. I come from quite a strict Muslim family, I wear a tudung/hijab and I intend to continue doing so when I am in the UK. However, in light of Brexit and the recent terrorist attack in London, my parents and friends have wondered if I am going to encounter any problems as an openly Muslim woman in the UK? Some of my friends have even said that I should not wear the hijab in the UK, so I won't stand out as a Muslim and be a target for the racists. My parents have gone further and suggested that I should forget about going to the UK altogether and apply to NUS instead. Are my friends and parents overreacting? Do Muslims generally try to keep a low profile in somewhere like London to avoid racist attacks? Is there any information you can give me to help reassure my parents that everything is going to be okay? I am an only child and studying in the UK has always been my dream, I understand that my parents care for my well-being but I don't want to give up this dream of mine just because they are paranoid about racism. I really appreciate your help and would appreciate some advice on the matter. Thank you!

Amina has given me some more personal details but I have removed them from the letter as she wishes to remain anonymous, that's fine by me, we can talk about this. I am more than happy to talk about issue here having been a student in the UK myself - I do have plenty of Muslim friends and know what their experiences have been living in Europe. Firstly, allow me to say that it is highly unlikely that you will be subject to random racist attacks just walking down the street, taking the bus or shopping in the local supermarket. I live in London and it is a city which is 12.4% Muslim and it is pretty common to see a woman wearing various forms of hijabs/head scarves in London - nobody bats an eyelid as it is simply that common. Perhaps if you were in a small village out in the countryside, then you may stand out as a non-white person, but even that, that doesn't mean that you will be subjected to any kind of abuse or attacks just because you look different. The issue of staying safe, staying out of trouble is actually a lot more complex than that. What you need to develop is a good understanding of your environment: there are places where you will be safe as a Muslim (and also as a young woman) and places where you won't be safe. For example, there are some unsafe parts of London where even I as an older man would not want to walk down the street alone late at night as that would be asking for trouble. I use my knowledge of London (and a healthy dose of common sense) to keep myself safe.

I do know London extremely well after having lived here for nearly 20 years.

Allow me to give you an example of a foreign student who was, as we say in Singlish, blur like sotong and got himself into a lot of trouble. In August 2011, Malaysian student Asyraf Haziq made the headlines when he was set upon by a gang, beaten up and robbed. This happened during the infamous riots of summer 2011. Look, I don't want you to think that riots like that happen in London all the time, this was a rare event when there were riots in East London. Haziq didn't check if it was safe to venture out then - he had made plans to see his friends and cycled right into the most dangerous situation. I was in London then, I remember the events well and everyone was so careful - we were keeping an eye on each other, taking care of our friends, making sure we were safe and not in harm's way. Haziq did the unthinkable - it was an act of reckless stupidity. When there is a riot, you stay the hell away from it, you do not ride your cycle right into the heart of a riot then act shocked when you get beaten up and robbed. Most of us will stay the hell away from any kind of trouble the moment we sense something is going wrong - call it common sense, it just kicks in when we need it, for self-preservation. Haziq came across as extremely naive and whilst what happened to him was horrific, Most of us have enough common sense not to put ourselves in such a dangerous situation in the first place.

I know what some people are going to say: you can't say that! This is victim blaming and they will absolve Haziq of all responsibility for he was the victim. But let me give you another story and ask you if you blame the victim: my friend Nick (a man of about 45 years old) got incredibly drunk one day as he left the bar and he went into an alleyway to throw up. A "kind Samaritan" went to check if he was alright and offered him some tissue paper to wipe his face - Nick then realized a few minutes later that his wallet and phone were gone and he must have been robbed by this "kind Samaritan". I felt no sympathy for Nick and chided him stumbling out of a bar so drunk, in such an irresponsible manner without first having made any arrangements to get home (like hello - call an Uber, it is 2017). Nick went to the police but was unable to give a clear description of the "kind Samaritan" as the alleyway was dark and he was just too drunk to recall much in any case. They tried to look at the CCTV around the area but to no avail - the "kind Samaritan" was a pro who targeted people like Nick who presented themselves as easy targets. In this story, would you absolve Nick of all responsibility as a victim, or would you join me in rebuking him for putting himself in that position in the first place when really, he should have known better. Believe me, a small dose of common sense can go a very long way.

Can you blame the victim sometimes?

As a young student, you will have to choose where you live and that is where some local knowledge would prove to be extremely useful. Because I lived in a good neighbourhood during the 2011 riots, I watched the trouble unfold on my computer through news reports, many miles away from any real danger. Poor people who have no choice but to live in less desirable neighbourhoods were exposed to the very worst of the riots - need I state the obvious? Rich people live in nicer, posh neighbourhoods whilst poor people live in dodgy neighbourhoods: crime rates are a lot higher in these dodgy neighbourhoods than in the respectable ones. Such was the case during the 2011 riots, the neighbourhoods which suffered the worst troubles were those in the poorest areas in East and South London, whilst the richer neighbourhoods in central, North and West London were barely affected. There is in fact a direct correlation between crime rates and property prices: most criminals cannot afford to live in very expensive houses, so you're going to be a lot safer knowing that the people living on your street are doctors, lawyers, accountants and bankers. It feels incredibly un-PC to say this but I don't care about being PC. If your parents are rich enough to send you to the UK to study, then they can afford to pay for you to live in a very safe neighbourhood Amina. So much information is available on the internet and you can always speak to the staff at your university to make sure you select a good place to live.

Furthermore, I'm glad you mentioned Brexit because it was one event that showed just how divided this country is - some areas in the UK voted overwhelmingly to stay in the EU whilst other areas voted overwhelmingly to leave the EU. If you went to a university that is located in an area which voted overwhelmingly to leave the EU, then you are far more likely to encounter locals who are unwelcoming to foreigners and will be more likely to see you as the kind of immigrant they voted to keep out. You can crunch the data and break it down in so many ways, but it suffices to say that one should never treat the UK as a monolithic entity. After all, the leave campaign only won by a rather thin margin at 51.9% - not everyone in the UK hate immigrants and wants to shut the doors to foreigners. In fact just under half of us were totally aghast and upset at the results of this EU referendum and what is happening now. So as you consider your choice of university, you may want to think carefully about this factor and where you wish to spend your 3 years in the UK. But in any case, any big university will usually draw a student body from far and wide, not just the local area.

In any case Amina, I think you're perhaps somewhat too focused on racism when there are so many things you ought to be mindful of when you come to the UK as a student. Have a read of this story here which I responded to some time back - it is about another Singaporean student who found it extremely hard to make friends whilst studying here and she doesn't even know why that is the case. You see, so often Singaporeans worry about the quite extreme racist attacks that come out of the blue from total strangers, but in this case, for whatever reason, Miss Apple Pie seems to be unable to make any meaningful friends. People around here were polite but formal and it wasn't like they deliberately rejected her or discriminated against her, but it was all subtle enough to thoroughly confuse her as to why she had failed to make any good friends at university. You see, that's the kind of more subtle social problems that you should be thinking about: are you able to adapt to a new social environment? Are you able to make friends with people from different counties and cultures? How good are your social skills Amina? Are you able to communicate with people from a wide range of social backgrounds? You see, I don't even think my own social skills were that great when I was young, but my NS experience forced me to adapt and learn very quickly as it was a sink-or-swim situation. 

University is a great time to challenge yourself to embrace new experiences because it marks that final step before to enter the big, bad working world and that is why I think there should be a mix of trying to find friends you feel comfortable with whilst getting to know people you have absolutely nothing in common with and forcing yourself out of your comfort zone. After all, you have no idea whom your future colleagues may be - perhaps you will have to work with a team of people you have little or nothing in common with, would you be able to cope with that kind of situation then? Well, university is a great time to start learning. It is a shame the way some Singaporean and Malaysian students actually make very few friends whilst they are at university, choosing instead to cling on to other foreign students from their own country, What's the point of studying overseas then, if you are so unwilling to mingle with people from another country? This could potentially be a rich learning experience for you, but only if you are willing to embrace the challenge of stepping way out of your comfort zone and making new friends. This will not be easy, but you will reap what you sow. Do not let the fear of failure or racism hold you back - there are many nice people out there to befriend, you just have to learn to be a good judge of character about who will be worthy of your friendship. 

Going to university abroad is a great way to learn and grow.

I am not going to paint a picture that is too rosy for you though Amina: what you may encounter is the 'death by a thousand paper cuts' scenario. Let me give you a few examples. I hope my regular readers will forgive me for retelling this story for I have definitely mentioned this in the past: during my fresher's orientation week, there was a pub quiz for the students and I gave the correct answer to a question which involved the lyrics of the song 'The Drugs Don't Work' by the Verve. One of the fellow members on my team was genuinely surprised that I knew the answer (when she didn't) as I was a foreign student from the Far East. She genuinely thought that I lived amongst Buddhist temples, rice fields, tofu and chopsticks factories and listened to Chinese pop music rather than Britpop. I felt quite insulted by that - like why wouldn't I be familiar with aspects of British culture just because I grew up in Singapore? She clearly didn't know anything about Singapore - she merely defaulted to stereotypes of the Far East and there will be moments like that which you will find irksome and annoying. The fellow student didn't deliberately set out to offend me, but still she managed to somehow through her ignorance and dumb assumptions. This is the kind of crap that you will have to deal with on a regular basis I'm afraid - but there is a huge difference between people who cause offence out of stupidity or ignorance, as opposed to those who cause offence out of malice. The former is quite common, the latter is very rare.

However, once you know what to expect, you can anticipate and learn how to deal with the situation when it arises. So for example, when such a situation arises, say someone says something that causes offence, you can pause for a moment and think: is this person doing this out of ignorance or spite? If it is the former, it is actually a lot easier to deal with than the latter. You could choose to correct the person if you think it is worth your effort, but sometimes you just have to accept that you cannot educated the masses one person at a time. Oh you'll be amazed how many people will actually apologize once they realized they had accidentally caused offence through their stupidity or ignorance! I remember encountering this older woman who assumed that English wasn't my first language and when I corrected her, she was so apologetic because well, she realized how presumptuous she had been. With that in mind, I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt when I do realize that they have said the wrong things due to ignorance or stupidity - I think you just have to do that sometimes, otherwise you will go through life with a sense of "oh shit everyone here really hates me" when really, they don't. So for a Muslim woman wearing a hijab, you may encounter people who assume that you're doing so because you're oppressed by Islam or forced to do so by your parents - well, I'll leave the ball in your court and let you decide how you wish to respond when you meet someone like that.

But let me address the issue of your tudung/hijab - I think your parents and friends are concerned that wearing the hijab will make you stand out in public, but allow me to explain that it is far less of an issue than you think. Even within my university, there was quite a range of fashion styles simply because the students came from a wide range of social backgrounds, cultures and countries - the student body in my university certainly wasn't a monolithic homogeneous entity. I loved the fact that students felt the freedom to express themselves rather than try to conform to a certain style of fashion in order to 'fit in'. So the fact that you will be a young Muslim woman who wears a hijab wouldn't make you stand out too much because there will be plenty of other students who will look different or dress differently in one way or another. It is a great period of growing up and learning about the world, meeting new people, making new friends with those from other social groups whom you may not have crossed paths with before. So you look or dress different from some of the others - so what? At the end of the day, yeah you may meet people whom you may have so little in common with you don't become good friends with them - but guess what? That's entirely normal, life isn't a popularity contest and we certainly cannot expect to get along with everyone (I learnt that in NS) and as long as they don't bother you and you can find friends whom you get along with, then that's as good as it gets. And finally, if anyone does bother you over your hijab or your religion, well that's clearly a hate crime - call the police at once and you will be helped.

The UK awaits you this autumn Amina.

Well, I hope I have given you food for thought Amina. There is much more I can talk about, but I think I have touched upon the main points and I am hoping I can start a conversation now for with my readers about not just the topic of wearing a hijab/tudung per se, but more about fitting in when you are a minority in any situation (work, university etc). So, what do you guys think about this issue then? Do let me know your thoughts and thanks so much for reading.