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| Even intelligent people can make bad choices. |
In today's post, I'm going to examine five case studies based on them and try to explain what is going on: obviously, names and details have to be altered because I need to protect their privacy. Can I state categorically that in all five cases, all of them had brilliant results academically and in some cases, were even scholars but somehow things just didn't go well for them in their working lives and somehow, things just didn't quite go to plan for them.
Case study 1: Pauline
I remember Pauline from my JC days, she was a bright and charming young person then and clearly intelligent - she was pretty and charming, a popular girl always knew how to make you laugh, how to cheer you up if you were feeling down. She breezed through her A levels with very good grades and easily earned herself a place at NUS. Now you have to bear in mind that I had to do NS whilst Pauline was in NUS and then I left Singapore immediately after I finished NS, so I lost touch with her for many years before we reconnected through Facebook. Well, she still looks the same much to her credit but I was disappointed with the way things had turned out for her. After graduating, Pauline struggled to settle into one career and changed jobs several times, not quite knowing what to do with herself as her degree didn't point her in a specific direction. She then met a nice guy and got married pretty young; within months of her marriage, she became pregnant with her first child and now has a total of four children. She effectively gave up on trying to have a career and is busy caring for her children, sometimes she gives tuition to earn a bit of extra money.
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| Pauline chose motherhood over a career |
Verdict: The transition from student life to working life did take Pauline by shock, despite the fact that she is clearly intelligent - her lack of any kind of work experience or any kind of career planning left her confused, lost and unable to thrive in the working world. She was by nature the kind of good girl who always studied hard, obeyed her parents and did as she was told - so she chose to comply instead with another one of society's expectations of her: to be a mother and she did that quickly when she failed to establish any kind of career for herself, she gave up too easily. She looks happy enough today, posting pictures of herself and her children on Facebook all the time and I don't doubt that she is a rather good mother. It is a shame and a waste that she never really applied herself in the working world.
The moral of the story: She really should have given more thought about what she wanted to do with herself in the working world, if she wasn't given the right career advice she should have actively tried to get hold of some. She was the kind of person who needed to be told what to do and the multitude of choices available to her in the working world just plain confused her. Ironically, her parents didn't push her down one particular career path but let her pick her own and in hindsight, that was probably a mistake as Pauline needed to be told what to do. The fact that she got pregnant so young also meant stopped her from working full time, pursuing any career and if there was more at stake - if she had a good job, she may have decided to hold off having a baby for a few years. At 40 and with four children, it seems impossible for her to ever return to full time work - I am not sure how much her husband earns but I hope it's a lot as it takes a lot of money to bring up that many children and she can't be earning much as a part-time tuition teacher.
Kelly was a double scholar in fact: she was firstly a humanities scholar when she was in JC, then she won a partial scholarship to do her undergraduate studies at an Ivy League university (she had such brilliant results the university funded part of her studies). She then returned to Singapore and had quite a good job that matched her skill set in media production - however, in the back of Kelly's mind, she had already decided that she wanted to get out of Singapore. She had really enjoyed her time in America and struggled with the adjustment to life back in Singapore. However, Kelly had found herself in an industry where she struggled to get a work permit for any country in the West: media production simply wasn't going to qualify her as a highly skilled migrant. Kelly also didn't get along with her parents (who were putting pressure on her to get married) and she grew increasingly getting desperate to get out of Singapore. She then found out about a visa she could get to work two years in the UK available to those between the ages of 17 to 30 (please note that this visa is no longer available to Singaporeans but it was back then) and she was fast approaching her 30th birthday. If she was to leave, it was now or never, the clock was ticking.
So Kelly got that visa, quit her job and with her savings, came to the UK to start a new life - or so she thought. Despite being highly educated and having plenty of work experience, she struggled to find a job that was similar to what she did in Singapore because of her visa status. She applied for many jobs, had some good interviews but many employers thought that there was no guarantee that she would be able to stay on in the UK after her current visa expires and rather hired someone who didn't face work permit/visa restrictions. Kelly went from one low-paid admin job to another - she was frustrated with the way things were turning out for her in London as she was unable to get a decent job. She had almost resigned herself to the fact that she had to go back to Singapore when she met a nice man whom she eventually married. Kelly didn't have to go back to Singapore now that she was married to a British man but he works in a small town in the middle of nowhere and employment opportunities there were very limited. After struggling with more boring, mundane admin jobs, Kelly had a baby and is now a full time mother/housewife. Her parents (and her husband's parents) are delighted with the baby boy of course, but I do know that there's some residual frustration on Kelly's part in never having really established a career in the UK quite the way she did in Singapore.
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| London wasn't kind to Kelly. |
Verdict: I think Kelly was unlucky. She is undoubtedly extremely intelligent and good at what she did and I was surprised that she was unable to get herself a good job in the UK on that visa because I do know of others who did manage to get themselves good jobs whilst on that visa - the companies then sponsored their work permits after that visa ran out. In her case, she probably ran into difficulties as her area of expertise is quite niche and it then boils down to a matter of supply and demand: if the demand for professionals with her kind of expertise can be met from the local population, then she has no chance of getting a work permit for her skills. Also, if she was unable to find someone willing to employ her for her skills, she could have taken things into her own hands and started her own business instead of settling for boring admin work (especially if she is married to a man who has a good job and can afford to support her). But life is unpredictable, I don't think Kelly ever thought about moving to the West whilst we were classmates in JC, it's just that her time at university in America opened her eyes to just how much better life can be in the West and she didn't have that information as a young person growing up in Singapore.
Moral of the story: If you are intent on moving from Singapore to the West, then you need to make sure you plan far ahead in advance to make sure that if you do become a highly skilled professional, your skills will qualify you as a highly skilled migrant in order to get a work permit - that golden ticket to the West. If not, then you may need to retrain (just ask my reader and friend Choaniki who did just that) and get qualified in a brand new profession. And the sad theme since to be in both Pauline and Kelly's case, if all else fails, get married and have children. Good grief, that makes motherhood sound like some kind of sad, last resort if all else in your life fails. So much for feminism in 2016.
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| Are you seeking greener pastures abroad? |
Cast study 3: Ali
Ali was a friend from my secondary school - clearly a bright guy and a very likable character. He came from a big family and has a few younger siblings. He went to a good JC and had excellent grades for his A levels but it was becoming increasingly clear that his parents would really struggle to put him through university as they didn't earn much money. Ali decided that the best thing to do was to sign on with the SAF and serve in the army, they would pay for his degree and he would have a job. Ali had a sense of duty towards his family and wanted to be able to help ease the burden on his parents, he wanted to be able to contribute financially to his family, so his younger siblings wouldn't have to struggle as much as he did growing up. It sounded like a feasible plan except that Ali was miserable in the SAF, he didn't like the job at all and was literally counting the days before his contract came to an end. Still, he stuck with it for the sake of his family - in the meantime, he got married and had 3 children of his own.
Things didn't get better for Ali unfortunately. After he struggled to readjust to working life in the civilian world as it was culturally so different from the military. There wasn't an exact match for his skill set in the civilian world and given that he needed every dollar he earned to support his parents, younger siblings and children, he didn't have the luxury of retraining. He took the first job that he was offered and regretted it because it wasn't right for him - he wasn't happy doing that job at all but he was afraid of an extended period of unemployment and how bad that would look on his CV. So he told himself, okay I'll stick it out for a year at least before changing jobs, but he's still at that job as he hasn't been able to find something else suitable. Actually, some interesting opportunities have come along, but Ali has been forced to say no to them because it would involve him taking on a more junior role in an industry he isn't experienced in and earning less money: so with his current financial commitments to his entire family, that just wasn't possible.
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| Ali has 3 children. |
Verdict: It is hard to put any blame on someone like Ali, who has always been so noble in putting the needs of his family before his own. However, it is pretty clear that he is very unhappy in his current job and hates what he has to do for a living: in hindsight, he probably would have done things differently but Ali is pretty much guided by his culture in his decisions. For example, he got married and had kids when it was expected of him to do so, regardless of his financial situation. You can use whatever cultural reasons to justify his choices, but you can't deny the fact that this is a highly intelligent man who is pretty darn miserable when it comes to his job right now and not only is he dissatisfied with what he is having to do to pay the bills, his heart is follow full of regret that he would have been better off doing something else he is far more interested in, far more passionate about.
Moral of the story: Well no one can deny that Ali is an extremely nice guy, honorable, noble, considerate and a good son, brother and father. But did being 'nice' to everyone in his family bring Ali joy, happiness? Well, he has fulfilled his 'duty' to his family but at what cost? I hope he has derived some kind of satisfaction in having performed his duty but he has confessed that he is deeply unhappy with his job situation and has experienced bouts of depression when things got really bad at work. I guess the moral of the story is that being nice, doing the right thing may not always bring you happiness in life - so just don't assume that it will. Man, I do feel sorry for Ali. I swear he is one of the nicest, sweetest, kindest, most genuine people I've ever met but it is clear that things have not worked out for him. Okay this has been depressing, let's talk about someone a little less miserable. Let's move on to a more unusual case next.
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| Would 'doing the right thing' bring you happiness? |
Case study 4: Kang
Kang was an extremely intelligent person I got to know in JC, him and I became good friends because despite the fact that he studied the sciences, he had a deep passion for the arts thus he naturally took an interest in what me and my friends did. You see, for those of us who did theatre studies and drama (TSD) as an A level subject, we often spent a lot of time building sets/props, creating costumes, doing rehearsals etc and Kang was a great friend who was always there, happy to give us a hand. I did ask him why he didn't go down the same route as us and at first he said, "nah TSD is for those of you who are talented, I just like watching the shows, I'm not talented enough to perform." But then he also revealed that his parents had pressured him to become a doctor (or at least a lawyer or banker), that his parents would have gone mad if he suggested pursuing anything to do with the creative arts. We lost touch after NS, I heard that he got a place to study medicine at NUS but it was years later that I found out what really happened.
Kang did go through a few years at medical school at NUS but grew increasingly depressed as he felt it was not for him, yet he was too afraid to let down his parents who were beaming with pride and busy telling everyone their only son was going to be a doctor. Things got so bad that he was prescribed antidepressants just to get through his studies but they had side effects on Kang, leaving him listless, either he was sleepy or unable to concentrate. His studies suffered and he flunked out of medical school. His parents were furious but were prepared to send him abroad to complete his studies to become a doctor. He said no, he had a girlfriend at the time and didn't want to be in another country, away from her. His parents then made her the scapegoat, claiming that she was a 狐狸精 (literally, a fox spirit: a derogatory Chinese term to describe a loose woman who seduces men) who caused his downfall. They refused to listen to Kang and demanded that they break up but Kang refused and decided to enough was enough. He couldn't take any more of his parents' unreasonable behaviour and wasn't prepared to be held ransom to their demands.
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| Kang's parents chose to blame his girlfriend |
Kang left home and became estranged from his parents - eventually he managed to establish a career in media production (ironically, fairly closely related to what Kelly in case study 2 was doing, the two of them may have even crossed paths at some stage). He was lucky, with so much innovation and new technology being introduced into media production at that time, he wasn't at a disadvantage at not being a graduate. He was quite good with computers in general: with a keen interest to learn and help from some of his good friends, he managed to get himself into a good position and has since managed to climb that career ladder pretty well, earning a pretty good living these days in Singapore. He's the geek in the post production lab whose name may appear sometimes at the closing credits of a TV programme or film. He's married today (with a different woman, not sure what happened but that's life) and has children, but remains estranged from his parents who have adamantly refused all contact from him. They refuse to acknowledge the fact that he is a well respected professional in his field today, they just cannot get over the fact that he gave up the opportunity to become a doctor. ("but I told everybody that my son is going to be a doctor?!")
Verdict: I am glad things turned out okay for Kang in the end - what a shame he didn't stand up to his unreasonable parents much earlier and he had to endure years of depression before he finally snapped. Kang was clearly a very intelligent guy with so many talents and skills, but unfortunately it was his sense of duty (not unlike Ali in case study 3) that proved to be the problem in the end. It took him an awfully long time to realize that making his parents happy did not make him happy and that even if they had good intentions, if he had followed their advice, he would have ended up miserable and that they weren't going to give a shit if he was happy or not. I'm gonna call a spade a spade: he had awful parents. Kang is 40 today, they could have at least said, let bygones be bygones, let me get to know my grandchildren - nope, they are stubborn and have refused all contact. I swear only Chinese people can be that stupid.
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| Can we blame the generation gap in Kang's case? |
Moral of the story: If you have awful parents like Kang, then what's the point in trying to please them if they don't give a damn if you're happy? If Kang had not stood up to them, he may have ended up totally depressed and suicidal as a doctor because that was not where his interests lie. Listen to your heart, not your parents,especially if they are assholes who don't care about your happiness.That was depressing, one more case study before we conclude.
Case study 5: Dale
I knew Dale from my JC days - again, another highly intelligent person with brilliant results. Dale's tale isn't quite as depressing as some of the others in that Dale didn't exactly take the prescribed path that many Singaporeans would typically follow. Dale's parents had made plans to emigrate to New Zealand long before he had to serve NS, but since Dale didn't give up his Singaporean passport before he turned 16, he stayed behind to complete his NS before joining the rest of his family in New Zealand. Dale enjoyed life at university in New Zealand but decided that he wanted to follow his heart into the film industry - that's where the problems started. Despite the fact that many high profile films like Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit have been filmed in New Zealand, Dale just couldn't get enough work to sustain himself. Fortunately for him, his parents and older siblings are reasonably wealthy, so he never really had to worry about money. He tried to reinvent himself as a photographer and spends a lot of time on social media publicizing his work (I've been featured in his work years ago), but he's still struggling to find paid work. He has also spent short stints in London, Australia, Singapore and Hong Kong working but still claims he hasn't found what he is looking for.
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| Dale has worked as a photographer. |
Verdict: I feel that Dale had wasted so many opportunities and made some poor choices, he is 40 but has barely worked much over the years. Oh he has managed to get some contracts on some film projects in New Zealand and when he has worked, he has enjoyed himself immensely. But he just wasn't able to turn it into a full time career at all and at 40, time is not on his side. There's no sense of urgency on his part, he's just drifting along.
Moral of the story: Here's a guy who followed his heart and got nowhere with little to show for his career at the age of 40. What a waste. If you are going to follow your heart, for crying out aloud, make sure you become successful in your chosen field and have something to show for it. Luckily for Dale, money isn't a problem as his family is rich - it's just a shame that he can only look back at a trail of squandered opportunities as he's such an intelligent guy.
Of course I have stories of my former classmates who are extremely successful today, but what's so interesting about those stories? So they studied hard, worked hard and became fabulously wealthy and successful. I think there are some valuable lessons that we can all learn from these five friends whom let's not forget, are all extremely intelligent people, blessed with talents and skills, yet somehow things just didn't quite go to plan. Amongst them, at least Kang is the most happy having managed to make things work out with his career eventually despite having become estranged from his parents. Dale will just drift along, living off his parents' wealth. And as for Ali, Pauline and Kelly, well, they find joy in their families rather than through work and still get through life one way or another despite their problems.
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| How did things end up going wrong for these 5 friends? |
Do you know of anyone like these five friends? What do you think of the way they responded to the challenges in their lives? What would you have done differently had you been in their shoes? What kind of advice would you give them if you met them today? Do let me know what you think. Please leave me a comment below. Many thanks for reading.
So this Dale guy, is he happy at all? I hope drifting along doesn't mean freeloading off his siblings and parents. I do respect people who want a minimalist lifestyle. But I wouldn't respect anyone who gets handouts from those around them.
ReplyDeleteI think Dale is happy - he is carefree, travels the world, nice trips, he posts pictures of his travels. I know he has a girlfriend but no children, let's face it children tend to cramp your style if you wanna be a photographer who travels the world taking pictures of beautiful things. I do know his parents and older siblings are v rich, as to the details of his financial affairs - obviously I don't know, but clearly he isn't getting enough paid work to pay his own bills, that's pretty clear. It's one thing to be happy, it's another thing to be satisfied with what you've achieved (or not) - and perhaps that's just my opinion, but Dale could have done so much more, but he couldn't be bothered. Ah the curse of being wealthy.
DeleteHi Alex, this article does remind me of a friend. let's call him James. James u see, was a straight A Hwa Chong student who went on to study business at NUS. Most of his NUS peers went on to work in the various banks upon graduation. James didn't. He worked various odd jobs for minimal pay and now into 30s he's still dependent on his family for food ��
DeleteHe goes to socialise at free events and otherwise spends his days reading.
Raymond mentioned the word 'minimalist'
i guess u can say James really does have a minimalist lifestyle. But none of his peers, including myself can grasp his motives.
I have mentioned James situation to several other people before. Interestingly James isn't as unique as i had thought - people go "oh my friend's son is like that also" or "i know someone like that"
My suspicion is that James breezed through school too easy.. that It got to his head.
He knew the rules of play, played it well, and executed his strategy for accomplishing straights As flawlessly
Unfortunately work is rather more messy &
perhaps demands more and different diverse skills.
The humiliating downgrade from 'academic maestro' in school to rookie nobody in the world of work was a challenge James chose to avoid.
That's how i see it.
Perhaps we all need someone to remind us that in life its not only ok to struggle from bottom up, all over again, but essential. Im guessing this is the crux of Pauline & Kelly's 'issue'
But of course they are streets ahead of James, thank God.
I'm beginning to see the role of children in all of this: Ali has 3 kids, he has a lot of bills to pay, that's why he has to hold down a job he hates to support his family. But James is free as a bird, would he be able to have a family? Hell no, that costs money. I think in some aspects, older parents want you to have kids because that would force you to behave like a responsible adult when it comes to holding down a job in a country without a welfare state.
DeleteAs for Pauline and Kelly, sigh - to give up and choose motherhood instead, seems like a cop out to me. Yeah just marry a rich man with a good job and bear him children if nothing else works out - at least both of them have some good looks that enabled them to choose that option.
Just to touch a little bit more about education in SG, it is actually slightly similar to China and HK. I would say that all the problem boil down to the objective. Asians cannot learn from the West simply their concept of what education is totally different.
ReplyDeleteAsians, especially the Chinese, think of education as a 'stairway to the top of the pyramid'. This means that being a success in education equates how near you are to the 'top of the pyramid'. And how to measure this success? Examinations. That is why the ancient Chinese came up with imperial examinations (科举). It is supposed to, ironically, be used as a means to eliminate factors of nepotism, and let everyone have an equal chance 'compete' to climb to the top of the pyramid, which is being an official to serve the nation (a.k.a. be in the parliament). That is why we have rote learning. Because the content is a set of rules to see who can follow these rules best will succeed. And to follow these rules, one requires discipline (may not be self-discipline though) and obedience, something favoured by leaders. Furthermore, it renders administrative convenience for teachers to mark the papers.
However, exams did not appear in Europe only until the last 200 years or so. This is because the objective of education in the West is to ultimately "find the truth" behind every aspect of our lives. Hence, nurturing of interest becomes essential because only then can you put in effort to think independently and improve the development of human knowledge. That is why philosophy is created by Westerners and not Chinese. That is why discussions are an essential aspect of Western education so that we can find effectively connect our train of thoughts to "seek the ultimate truth of the world", which is why philosophers and scientists are being executed throughout European history because their discoveries contradicts the sacred religious beliefs.
Therefore, that is why I say that education in SG is political in nature and when I meant people who haves issues, meaning disagree with such an education system, would "disappear from the system", meaning move overseas to somewhere where they can pursue a different aspect of education. Sorry for phrasing my arguments wrongly in the previous posts.
Lastly, I would like to agree that in modern days, success in education does not equate to success in life, just like what this blog post is trying to bring about.
Thanks for your comment Ruther - if success in education does not equate to success in life, then what, in your opinion, is the vital ingredient for success then (can we even put our finger on it)?
DeleteI would not dare to say much because I am also still in the process pursuing my dreams. However, these are some thoughts from past experiences of other people who both succeeded and failed in life.
DeleteInterest. If you do something that you are interested in, you will naturally put in your best, no matter at what cost. No disciplinary action has to be taken if you do not put in effort.
Ask yourself what is that thing that you are willing to invest time, effort or even money at? What is that thing that if you do not do it, you feel uncomfortable? What is that thing the you look forward to do even it requires you to sacrifice something? That is interest. Not just filling in your hobby list and say you like clubbing, swimming, dancing etc.
From all the people who feel that their life is a failure, I always see one thing: they have no interest in any particular thing/activity.
DeleteRuther,
DeleteUnfortunately, in the working or corporate environment, it matter which university you come from. Unless the parents us rich, the only path is to pursue it through the recognised university.
Even people like Alex used to play the safe way by shortlisted only people from recognised or top tier university for company to employ people without experience.
In Singapore, the government is trying to diversified the education path for the students. We now have ITE (focus on vocational training), School of the art (SOTA, art media), Millennia college (3 years A Level), SUTD (Engineering and design) and etc for post O Level.
Ruther: I think I can see where the problem stems from. Again, I blame the parents. In my sister's life, she had interests when she was a student but my parents didn't allow her to pursue those as they were deemed to be a distraction from her studies. And then when she graduated, she had interests but oh no, she had to focus on her career, then when she became a mother, she had to put her child first. I think that every step of the way, my parents saw having any kind of interest in any particular activity at all as being a distraction from what you have to do - I don't think my parents hate my sister so much they were trying to fuck her up deliberately, it's just that my parents are (sigh, for want of a better word) so bloody stupid and had zero parenting skills that they often gave such horrifically bad advice. Thankfully, I was the rebellious child who just did what the hell I wanted to do - I was like, you fucked up my sister's life, I'm sue as hell not gonna let you fuck up my life even if you try.
DeleteKelvin, yeah - in Singlish we call this 'covering your own backside'. If I shortlist a candidate from a great university and he fucks up, then my bosses are just going to say, "what a shame, he was a bright graduate but something went wrong." But if I take a risk and shortlist a candidate from a crap university, my ass is on the line, if he fucks up, my bosses are gonna scream at me, "Alex, what the hell were you thinking?" Think about it - my hands are tied. I'm just the gatekeeper and if I make a bad decision, it will come back to haunt me.
Alex,
DeleteWhat you said is correct. It a dogo eat dog world now. What Asian parents said about getting good result is not wrong. It is the choice that we made after getting good result is important. Getting good result or graduate from the top university just put us ahead of others.
So it still holds the truth that getting a good result is important. Unfortunately, a lot of companies especially the MLM companies are using Job Steve or Mark Zuckerberg as an example of people who can be successful without the paper qualifications. Without the paper qualifications, we may not easily find success in our career unless we are willing to work very hard from the bottom of the ladder.
So... is streaming school a best idea or a worst idea?
DeleteGalaxy,
DeleteI will said that streaming school is neither the best nor the worst idea. At least it is a lot better than not streaming the students.
1.) The Singapore government is trying to change the system now although it is changing slowly. As you can see from my abover post earlier, the government is trying to move away from rote learning.
Even in the Prime Minister speech, he is encouraging the people to pursue life long learning or upgrading course as can be in "Skill Future Scheme".
Streaming also help the government to focus the resources needed to help both the teachers and students
3.) The onus now lie in the corporate company and the parents to play their part. The government can only do so much but all will be lost if everybody do not play their part.
Galaxy - it's an okay idea, you've only presented me with two extremes in your question: best vs worst. I think it's somewhere in the middle. It's okay, it can work if it is managed properly but it is by no means the answer to all the problems faced in our education system.
DeleteThis much I do know --- do not choose a career to please your parents. Do not have kids until you are established. In fact, no need to get married until you are established. If that means 40 and too late to have kids, so be it.
ReplyDeleteDo not be a burden to your kids.
Do not stay with your parents to "take care" of them. You are not a nurse or a doctor. Help out financially if necessary. Love them if you can. You do not have to live in the same house. Go live your life. If that life is overseas, go!
Well said - I shall pick up on some of these points in the next post as well.
Deleteok maybe best or worst is extreme how about good or bad idea.
DeleteThis question is related to this( So... is streaming school a best idea or a worst idea?)
I think it is a good idea that can work as long as it is well implemented. Just ask any teacher what it is like to teach a mixed ability class and it is hard to stand in front of the class and deliver a lesson that will be suitable to the needs of the different students if they are of a mixed ability. So purely from that logistical point of view, yes streaming makes sense because it improves the learning process when students are grouped together with others of a similar ability.
DeleteHey limpeh I have a question. is it true that singaporeans are narrow and ignorant about the world?
ReplyDeleteYou can't treat Singaporeans as if they are a monolithic entity - there are so many Singaporeans. Some are narrow minded and ignorant, others are not. It boils down to the quality of their education and whether they have had the opportunity to open their eyes and minds to what this wonderful world has to offer.
DeleteHere's my take:
ReplyDelete1) Pauline is barely above robotic -- clearly and unsurprisingly a product of the conformist Singaporean education system. Her life consisted of people telling her what to do, from kindergarten all the way to university, and, when she was finally put in a situation where no one told her what to do, she became lost and helpless. Because she had never done it before in her life.
And you're absolutely right to say that motherhood is mostly the last resort for women who failed to make something of themselves in the workforce. It's the one way that a woman -- unlike a man -- can still feel like a success while not really achieving anything of substance. If only you knew how much praise and congratulations they get for simply giving birth, from friends, family, society, and the government! It's the easiest cop-out for women who were unsuccessful in their careers; they can then claim to "choose" motherhood and "prefer" to spend time with their children, like it's some grand noble voluntary sacrifice when it's in fact their lack of employability that got them there in the first place.
2) I think Kelly's case, more than anything else, exemplifies the fact that the only reliable ways to migrate are: 1) marriage, and 2) asylum. People like Limpeh would insist that there are easier ways than applying for asylum, like get a skilled migrant visa, bla bla bla. I'd say that's wishful thinking.
Sure, that happens from time to time, but that is far from the norm. Exceptions do not make the rule. The most common proven and reliable route by far is to get married to a citizen, period. The fact that Kelly, a brilliant Ivy League graduate with an impressive resume, failed to secure even any sort of gainful employment (much less permanent residence) shows that the odds are extremely stacked against any foreign national trying to immigrate into a first-world country; NO ONE really wants us there, to be blunt. That the bulk of us squeezed in via the marriage loophole doesn't in any way prove their desire for immigrants. And the fact that even Kelly, a fucking smart woman, had to resort to marrying some random English bloke just to stay in the UK speaks volumes of how hard it is to migrate via the "skilled professional" channel.
The funny thing is that Kelly would in most likelihood succeeded in securing employment in her chosen field after marrying her husband and solved the problem of her immigration status. Media production isn't thaaat competitive. But in choosing to marry her British husband, she had bound herself to the hip to that man: whatever he says, she does, and by extension wherever he goes, she follows. So it's completely unsurprising that she finally gave into the temptation of having kids, you know, the simplest way to feel successful without really doing anything.
3) I have zero sympathy for Ali. Given the choice of pleasing himself versus pleasing others, he chose the latter. And then he further committed himself to more irreversible rat race BS like joining the military just to attend university, getting a corporate job, getting married, having kids, undertaking a mortgage, etc. just to please his parents and to fit into society. Poor stupid bastard. You reap what you sow; he certainly did, and then some.
4) In the case of Kang, I'd really like to congratulate him and pat him on the back for flipping the bird to his parents when they tried to tell him what to do. That took balls, and that's really impressive for a Singaporean male. Continue my medical studies overseas? No, fuck you. Break up with my girlfriend? No, fuck you too. I'm out of this mother fucker. Seriously, the average Singaporean male could only fantasize of having that sort of courage. Sure, it took him some time to muster the testicular fortitude to do that, but it's better late than never, and in his case it changed his life for the better. (continued)
Woah. Someone's angry. I think you need to have a cup of fruit tea and sit down, do some breathing exercises whilst I offer you the following points in response.
Delete1. Pauline and Kelly both succumbed to an element of sexism in our society which you have talked about in detail - I agree with you, I think the amount of congratulations that women receive just for giving birth. The only reason why I felt it was a waste was because I remember how ambitious they were when we were students in JC, they had hopes and dreams, they talked about what they wanted to achieve and now both women are changing nappies, making dinner, picking kids up from school instead of pursuing those dreams. I find that sad. If they told me, "screw working, do I wanna wake up at the crack of dawn to go to the office every morning? Hell no, I wanna marry a rich man and live in a beautiful house and go shopping everyday." Then yeah that'll be a different story. But that's not what they said back in the day. But they're always entitled to change their minds, of course.
2. I have met Kelly's husband and he does seem like a really nice guy. She didn't marry some 60 year old creep just for the visa - they're about the same age and he's quite good looking. If my memory serves me right, he wooed her rather than the other way around and for what it's worth, I think Kelly did well in marrying him - it's just a shame that she had to follow him to the small town where he had a house and job, thus was v limited by the career options available to her there. But her marriage is not as grim as you may imagine - her husband is a wonderful guy.
3a. As for the highly skilled migrant routes, it's a simple case of, "is your career on that list?" No it isn't. Heck, my local hospital is full of Filipino nurses whose highest qualification is some nursing diploma from a nursing college in Quezon City, are they Ivy league scholars? Of course not, but it's a question of supply and demand: the NHS is desperate for qualified nurses who speak English, hence the Filipino nurses get in, whilst Kelly had to marry a Brit.
3. Nothing to add about the case of Ali.
4. As for Kang, I'm not condescending to him - I am guessing that you're new to my blog and probably don't realize that I do work in media having been both in front and behind the camera. I know just how many intelligent people have tried hard to make it in this industry only to struggle along the way, unable to make ends meet. They usually drop out of the industry when they have children because they need to earn more money to bring up the kids. Kang didn't know what he was doing - that's the point, he was manipulated into feeling too guilty to tell his parents that he didn't want to become a doctor and spent so much time studying medicine at NUS for nothing when he had no intention to follow though and actually practice medicine. Of course he's a nice guy, an intelligent one too - but the fact that he had mean, manipulative parents who cared more about their 'face' than his happiness meant that there was so much conflict, drama and heartache for all involved. I'm not saying he's an idiot - but there was a point when he left medical school and didn't know what he was doing. He didn't have a plan. He was homeless and the highest qualification he had was A levels; and he had just fallen out with is parents. Oh and I left out the part when he tried to kill himself too. Yes things worked out eventually for him because a) he was resourceful and b) he had loyal friends who stood by him and helped him. But you're quite happy to skip the part where things went terribly wrong and focus on the happy ending? If I may suggest that you're perhaps unhappy with something in your own life and you are projecting too much of your circumstances into his case. We're talking about Kang, not about you. If you wish to talk about yourself here, please feel free to do so but don't confuse the two.
Whoa!
Delete"... motherhood is mostly the last resort for women who failed to make something of themselves in the workforce. It's the one way that a woman -- unlike a man -- can still feel like a success while not really achieving anything of substance. If only you knew how much praise and congratulations they get for simply giving birth, from friends, family, society, and the government! It's the easiest cop-out for women who were unsuccessful in their careers; they can then claim to "choose" motherhood and "prefer" to spend time with their children, like it's some grand noble voluntary sacrifice when it's in fact their lack of employability that got them there in the first place."
Are you kidding me? Surely you jest?
First of all, motherhood is the hardest job in the world and the most underrated. Proof is present when you spouted off your contempt for mothers!
I think what Alex was saying was that women need not think that they HAVE To have kids to be fulfilled. Pauline had goals and ambitions and ought to have fulfilled them before having kids (if at all). I agree that not everyone has to have kids. However, parenthood (especially motherhood!), if done right, is indeed a noble sacrifice! If you have kids and do not think it is a noble sacrifice, then you are not giving it your all. If you don't have kids and think it is not a noble sacrifice, then you have no idea what you are saying.
You just insulted all dedicated mothers in the world, Humong Bong.
Thanks for being the voice of reason: I am comparing Pauline from our naive, innocent student days, when we sat around the canteen table and had those, "when I grow up, I wanna become a ______ and do ______ etc" conversations. She had loads of ambitions, loads of plans and ideas of things she could do and did she even try to pursue any of those? No, she gave up. I am not afraid of failing, I'm only afraid of looking back at my life with a heart full of regret of having not had the balls to try. I look at Pauline (and Kelly) today and think, something's changed in them, it's sad.
DeleteDi, I agree. That was a really nasty thing for this Bong to say about mothers who choose to stay home. However, I also agree with LIFT that women have expectations placed upon them disproportionately to stay home and rear kids, and they get judged for even thinking about fulfilling their own needs once they have a child. It is SAD, and extremely sexist.
DeleteHi Delia. I note that my British female friends who have children often manage to return to work and it hasn't affected their career much whereas in the case of Singapore, it often comes at a price. Either, the children are left to the maids & grandparents and the mother still works as hard as her colleagues who have no children, or the mother returns to work on a part time, more junior, mother-friendly basis but for far less responsibility and money. Is the system in Singapore essentially still very sexist towards mothers? Or is it down to each mother to make things work for herself if she wants to do the balancing act of having a career & children at the same time?
DeleteMy son went to day care when he was 5.5 months old. My husband and I worked full-time, had no maids to get dinner ready or clean the house. No family support. We did it.
DeleteMany Singapore women have maids to keep the house and/or grandparents to help out. There are daycare centers as well. Yet they whine as if they are the only mothers in the world who have to work and have kids. Do you know how many women in North America work and cook and clean and launder and have kids without domestic help? Majority! So, there is really no need to quit your job just because you have a child. It's exhausting but not impossible.
Juggling between having a career and having kids can be exhausting but I don't know, I'm not a mum. What I do not agree with is people expecting mothers to do all of that without any complaints or judging these mothers harshly if they even take a little time off for themselves to do something to make themselves happy.
DeleteMy parents both work and my brother and I stopped having anybody take care of us when we were 5 and 8 respectively. So society in general needs to stop acting like parents are abusing/neglecting their kids if they go off to earn a living and leave the kids alone at home. It's patronising af to these kids; educate your kids from a young age and they will find a way to occupy themselves fruitfully somehow and learn to be independent. We do not need or want our parents to be with us 24/7 throughout our childhood.
(continued) Remember what I said about what reaping what we sow? I think Kang's case is the total opposite of Ali's case. Given the choice of pleasing himself versus pleasing others, he chose to please himself. He was ready to cut off his toxic, narcissistic parents who loved face more than they loved him, and he was right in doing so. They didn't love him unconditionally; in fact, I doubt if they even love him at all. So many parents in Singapore have children for the wrong reasons.
ReplyDeleteAnd for possessing the courage to carve out his own path and the determination to stick it out, he was rewarded with a successful career, and, more importantly, personal happiness and fulfillment. That's a lot more that can be said for 99% of working adults in such a soulless place like Singapore.
I really feel happy for Kang.
And I wouldn't attribute succeeding while not having a degree to luck. For Pete's sake, give the man a little more credit. He's clearly a determined and clear-minded person; degree or no degree, he was going to make it. You're giving him too little credit and overmagnifying the advantage that a degree confers one. Degrees are saturating the market; they don't mean shit for most intents and purposes. Of course you being a degree holder would tend to hold it in greater importance, having invested three years of your life studying for one, I can understand the post-choice rationalization going on, but just because you say it's important doesn't mean it's actually important. Kang's case clearly proves that you can succeed if you possess the right attributes of success, degree or not. In fact, nothing is more common that unsuccessful degree holders -- you guys have a glut of that in Singapore, hell, even in the UK.
"I am glad things turned out okay for Kang in the end?" Wow, spare him the condescension. He knew what he was doing; he wasn't an idiot. He wasn't leaving medical school to spite his parents. He was leaving medical school to do what he loved. One way or another, he was going to make it.
5) You're projecting quite a bit on to Dale. The fact that he has a wealthy family already means there's no need or urgency for him to have a successful career. He knows it, and he's taking full advantage of it. He can do whatever the hell he wants, and that's exactly what he did. Again, you're equating success to money and income -- "Ohh, I'm a multi-millionaire, I'll be damned if I define success in any other way!"
Some people just want to be left the hell alone to do whatever they love. Even if they don't find a lot of paid work. Even if it ends up costing them money. Even if judgmental people on the sidelines call them failures and a waste of talent. If he's not struggling to eat or keep a roof over his head, who's to say he has failed? I'd contend that the suit-and-tie corporate slave who works 60 hours a week is a failure, for he's undoubtedly miserable as fuck and one small step away from depression and suicide. It's a fact that corporate work is miserable; anything else is just rationalization and denial. Just because one is well-compensated does NOT change the nature and impact on one's well-being of the work.
Anytime I hear a cubicle employee say that they "love" their work, I puke in my mouth a little. Nobody "loves" investment banking, accountancy, lawyering, business, consulting, or any other of these money gigs that pay well in part because no one would do those things for little money. We love watching TV, we love shopping, we love drawing, we love having sex. Unfortunately, most if not all of the things we love can't be monetized, so we learn to love what we do instead of do what we love. But don't ever mistake the two for being the same thing. (continued)
5. Your view of the world is so painfully simplistic: yeah the corporate guy who works hard to earn a lot of money is miserable whilst the unemployed guy is stress-free and happy as a lark. Erm, you know the saying, money can't buy happiness but I'd rather cry in my Ferrari than smile on a bicycle? OK I'm being flippant here - my point is that you're making such sweeping generalizations that you can't possibly be making any kind of valid point. Maybe you do know someone like Ali who is stuck in a job he hates but has no choice as he has dependents, fine - then talk about someone like that and present it as a case study. But there are loads of people who are happy with their jobs and just because it's not something we'd wanna do personally doesn't make them miserable doing what they do.
Delete6. Dale spends his days on 'permanent holiday' - everyday is a Sunday, he wakes up late, surfs the net, watches football on TV, a bit of shopping, goes out with his camera and takes some photos to post on Instagram etc. Again, if that's what he told me when we were in JC, then fair enough - but again, that's not what he said to me when we were in JC. As in the case of Kelly and Pauline, yes he's entitled to change his mind and turn around and tell me, "hey Alex, you know all the things I said I wanted to do with my life when we were in JC? Yeah fuck it, forget it, I'd rather just wake up and watch football on TV instead whilst sponging off my parents." I do think that's a waste of his talents and I stand by my point.
Ah, so he is sponging off his parents? Well then that's the worst of both worlds. You neither pull out all stops to get what you want, and neither are you willing to live the full minimalist lifestyle, like you know, out of a camper van, backpacking kind of thing? So he still insists on having creature comforts and will thus need family help from time to time? I hope not. Because if thats the case, no need to over analyze. He's a bum, thats all.
DeleteWell yes, there's no easy way to say it, but he's sponging off his family. His older siblings are rich too. So he's by no means living a minimalist lifestyle - more like a bum's lifestyle, ie. everyday is a Sunday with all the creature comforts he desires.
DeleteIn that case not having kids is no longer the catalyst for him to pursue what he wants, it is probably a blessing he's not bringing a child into the world he himself is obviously not doing such a good job of surviving in.
Delete(continued) Trust me, given the chance to start all over again, he'd do it all exactly the same way, instead of succumbing to the allure of money and stability and progression and all the other rat race BS in the corporate world. And so would I. Even if we'll be judged for being wasted talents by people like you.
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DeleteThis Bong guy clearly has issues and is angry at everyone. I highlighted Kang's story because I think we can learn a lot from his example and Bong turns around and accuses me of being condescending? Good grief. I get the feeling that Bong's the kind of angry person who manages to find fault with most people in his life and when I see someone like that in real life, I usually avoid them. I don't need people like that in my life causing me angst, life is stressful enough as it is. He's clearly well educated but I do not even want to start guessing what is making him so angry.
Delete#sorry for the reposting, I had to correct some typos.
This Bong guy seems mentally unstable.
DeleteTrouble is, if he truly means what he says, its a rare thing and I'd applaud him for it. But most do not. His angst filled rant instead comes across as someone who might secretly want all that but is not fulfilling it just yet.
DeleteI don't know where Bong is from and he might prove me wrong but I see it in a lot of Singaporeans all the time. They claim to want an easy time at work for instance, but jump sky high the moment someone they don't like gets a raise or gets promoted. I'm like folks, if you genuinely see through such things, you wouldn't care.
He's just angry with the world and looking for a place to vent his anger - why should he care about these 5 people? It's fair enough to just look at a case study and see what lessons there are to be learnt, but I didn't expect to provoke such a strong reaction.
DeleteThat's why. Someone who has seen through the rat race and opted out is zen about things. They don't bother about being judged. He's probably not that "englightened" yet.
DeleteValuable discussion - and a global problem, I guess...
ReplyDeleteBtw, I've bumped into this piece: http://www.humanresourcesonline.net/civil-servants-singapore-longer-classified-education-levels/?utm_campaign=20170105_hrdaily&utm_medium=email&utm_source=SG&utm_content=topstory
I hope it might be interesting for you guys :)
hey Andrea, thanks for the link. i think singapore education system is undergoing institutional reform from top down, but the culture at street level, that will take awhile longer to change. Still, a step in right direction :)
DeleteAnyways this discussion made me wonder
Just what makes some of us persevere, and others to quit prematurely?
I agree with you - while governments play a role, public perception might take longer to re-adjust to reality.
DeleteI think much depends on one's passion - if you're passionate about a specific field, you're more likely to work hard.
I think everything boils down to passion - if you're passionate about what you're doing, hard work isn't so hard :)
DeleteI guess that I should be proud (as a Singaporean) to have obtained a permanent skilled visa to Australia :)
ReplyDeleteI don't think of myself as being particularly intelligent - i did not go to good schools or 'branded' uni, but i studied/trained towards a skilled occupation. I believe in making good choices and all good choices involve elements of sacrifice. You can't pursue a dream move if there are existing 'baggages' (e.g., having children to support, bills to pay).
It is not possible to have "everything". We have to make certain calls along the way. For example, I went on after my bachelor degree to do my Master's degree to train as a psychologist. Many of my peers went to work in the corporate world, e.g. banks, trading companies, start own business. They started the careeer ladder early, obtaining more money than me, and some got married earlier (and moved in to their BTO HDB flats). Well, I worked towards a skilled occupation, one that gave me a chance to move to a western country. Now, I am here and my friends (while they have good jobs) will likely never get a skilled visa to migrate from Singapore. I succeeded, because I make a choice to delay gratification - i chose the long and ardous road. If I have to delay getting married or having children, so be it. If I have to pick a career and uni major out of the skilled occupation list, so be it. If I have to slog more years in uni studies while my friends get their year end bonuses, so be it. It's all about making good decisions along the way.
Thanks Dave. I think that Hmong Bong has no freaking clue how the skilled migrant visa works and he is probably a Singaporean who is totally clueless about the whole process - if he has no idea how it works, it is probably because he has no intention to leave Singapore which is fair enough, but why did he make a total fool of himself by jumping to all the wrong conclusions about Kelly's case? Typical Singaporean, sigh.
DeleteHi Alex, an interesting thought crossed my mind.
DeleteDo u think your friends, were perhaps..
overambitious? Here's what im thinking:
if u r realistic, its easy to feel steady motivation. On the other hand, if one's dreams are wildly unrealistic then even good steady progress can feel like crippling failure.. after awhile the unrealistic person burns out and gives up?
No I don't think they were overambitious. After all, I can list some pretty incredible achievements by some of my ex-classmates which put me to shame. When I see what some of them have achieved, I hang my head in shame cos I feel like such a lazy hedonist who went for the fun options over the more ambitious options. Some of my peers have achieved a lot you know. Their ambitions were justified.
DeleteRight, u designed and built a lifestyle for yourself far beyond anything ur parents could have imagined, whilst some of your hyper successful ex classmates pushed the limits of their abilities & 'took it to the next level.' As an observer honestly it sounds like equal but different types of success.
Delete(Not to angkat, just plain truth.)
So your 5 case studies are actually of proven calibre, at same level of raw talent as you and your other JC peers. Yet they have ended up trapped in relative mediocrity.
My gut suggests to me they were negligent in cultivating alliances necessary to support their goals. Or in Ali's & Kang's case even maintained connections inimical to their goals for far too long? I believe that no man is an island and we all need some companionship as we walk the path to success
Could Kang have put aside his misplaced sense of loyalty to his parents early on, if he the 'safety net' of steadfast friends who could encourage him?
Could Ali have put some distance between himself and his family, his community?
Alleviated fhe pressure for early marriage?
Did Kelly & Pauline enlist enough social support? Or they did kind of 'go it alone'? Did they get to know other people who had succeeded in similar circumstances?
As for Dale.. perhaps hes hanging with the wrong crowd - the sort of 'im not a bum, im an artist' sort of drifters? So perhaps he doesn't feel any pressure to really work hard at honing his craft. Quite the opposite in fact; his chosen friends may even help him justify himself with conversations like 'money's not important' or 'why work so hard'
Hi Chen,
DeleteI don't think my parents are that poor - the government has paid primary teachers really well and they have a generous pension that ensures that they are very comfortable indeed. It just pisses me off that they use their wealth to keep themselves cocooned up in Ang Mo Kio afraid of the world, whilst I am happily using my money to explore the world. There is talk of a new contract with work that may take me to Eastern Europe again - I hate counting my chickens before they hatch but fingers crossed!! Also, I'm quite aspirational, I have social aspirations to live like a certain class of people based on what I have seen in London. Whereas my parents are totally clueless when it comes to any concept of class and I suppose, being primary school teachers in Singapore, they are safe in their little world where you don't need social aspirations - but it's more my mindset that's different and that guides my lifestyle. Moneywise, I am glad to say that they are very secure indeed. It's not their bank balance that worries me, it's their lack of any form of aspiration that frustrates me.
Cultivating alliances is so important. In Ali's case, he had job offers but his domestic situation didn't allow him to pursue those opportunities. He is trapped by his financial commitments to his big family. You're right - he could have delayed marriage by a few years at least - but that wasn't the done thing in his culture. As for Kang, yeah he broke free of his parents' hold on him and pursued his dreams relying on his abilities to find new alliances and people who were willing to give him a chance.
Just something outside of the topic. Do you have any blog posts that shares your experiences in learning French? What are difficulties have you encountered and how you overcome it? And what do you like most about French? Just interested. Parce que j'apprendre le français et j'aime bien aussi les langues. Merci beaucoup.
ReplyDeleteSalut Ruther. Actually I never thought about writing about that topic because I always found French extremely easy and I just had a natural affinity for French. Within like 1 year of learning French, my French was so much better than my Chinese (and that's after struggling through the Singaporean education system with Chinese till my JC days). I am going to give you an unusual answer: try another language. I had zero affinity for Chinese but a natural affinity for French. Pick another language in another language group and see how it compares to your experience of learning French.
DeleteI studied French for a range of reasons: mostly because I wanted to prove that I could do something my sister couldn't do. My sister did French as a third language at secondary school but gave it up as she struggled in it. My parents then came to the conclusion that French is very hard and there's no way I could do it if my sister (who's obviously smarter than me) couldn't do it. Today I can't stop rubbing it in my parents' faces that I can't bloody speak Chinese but I love French. Yeah, there's a lot of angst in my family - but somehow out of that, I have adopted French as my second language and am totally fluent in it today.
Try my app Ruther and see how you do with French vs other languages: http://www.eurekalanguages.com/
DeleteAnd when you have the results Ruther, you can basically eliminate any language that you score less than 50% - that means that you don't have any chance of learning it. Korean is the one language that I constantly get 0% for and ironically, I have studied Korean and it kinda tells me that I have zero affinity for Korean. I even score better for something like Thai and Persian which I have never ever studied. Anything you score 100% (or nearly 100%) for, it means you already speak the language or have a good mastery of it. It's really the language that you score between 50% to 70% for which indicate that you don't know the language well enough yet but have a good chance of mastering it. It's the lowest hanging fruit for you. Let me know what your results are. It may be that you find that you do want to stick to French but I am a strong believer in having a natural affinity.
DeleteHi! I have have used the app and attempted 70 questions on different languages. I scored full marks fpr French, Malay, Mandarin, Cantonese and Hokkien amd scored badly for Welsh, Hungarian etc. However, in actual fact, my proficiency French and Malay remains at colloquial level whereas for Mandarin, Hokkien and Cantonese, I am proficient in those. I would like to ask did you actually memorise any vocabulary or listen to broadcasts/podcasts when learning any language? Or in fact why does your sister find French hard to learn? Is it because of grammar? I found it hard for thr first 3 months but I started to get used to soon after, especially when I saw the grammar of German... haha and in fact I find that by learning French, I can sort of relate with the other Romance languages like Spanish, Portuguese and Italian.
DeleteCongrats, it looks like your French isn't that bad after all! Have you considered pursuing Malay as well? And don't feel bad about scoring badly for a lot of those languages - Finnish? Hungarian? Welsh? Korean? You were never going to learn those anyway.
DeleteI read a LOT when I studied French, but most of all, my French improved a lot when I lived in France as a student. I still make sure I surround myself with French people at least a few times a week and they know that I want to speak French with them, so at least for a few hours a week, I speak only French and not a word of English. That's the crux of it - that human contact, there's only so much you can learn from books I'm afraid.
And you asked a good question - I have no idea why my sister found French so hard to learn. She was disappointed in her progress and dropped it before her O levels - she knew she wanted straight As for her O levels and she risked getting a C or even a D for French, she didn't see the point given that she had lost interest by then - so she gave it up. As for why she found it so hard... I must ask her specifically. I am guessing it was probably the lack of opportunity to use it given that she was studying it at secondary school in Singapore, devoid of contact with real French people.
PS. I hope you recognized my voice for a lot of those languages - this app is a labour of love, I did as much as I could on my own before I roped in my friends for the languages I didn't speak. But yes, you can definitely hear the distinctive Singaporean accent in the Hokkien.
Delete@LIFT I'm surprised i score 75% for German and 100% for Hungarian. Totally crap for local languages like Malay and didn't do well for Spanish too...
DeleteHey limpeh what do you think of ITE.(I am just curious)
ReplyDeleteHere's the politically correct answer: all societies need their share of skilled technical personnel who perform valuable tasks in our society. ITE gives those who are not academically inclined a chance to obtain a skill that will enable them to get a job in the future, so as they may be able to get a job and contribute to society as adults with skills. All countries have some kind of vocational training type school/institution because there is a demand for individuals with such skills, so by that token, ITE isn't uniquely Singaporean but you'll find equivalents in practically every country in the world, where young people can get valuable vocational training as such.
DeleteI never look down on a person because of their school or education - like I said before, my best friend in army had a terrible time in his teenage years after having lost his father at the age of 14. His family struggled to get by on his mother's income, nobody was there to take care of him and his sister as his mother struggled to make ends meet and they were kicked out of the house they lived in as they couldn't pay the mortgage.
That was why his education was a mess. And for you to try to come and tell me that you are in ITE because your father lost his job when you were a kid? For goodness' sake, that's so pathetic. Did your father die? No. In fact, if he was jobless for a while, he could have helped you with your studies more, to make you study a bit harder so you wouldn't end up in ITE. I hate it when people make excuses - such dumb excuses - for themselves and blame others instead of taking responsibility for their own mistakes and failures.
I have nothing against ITE students. Absolutely nothing. But I have decided that you're a very flawed individual because you chose to blame your father's job loss for your poor academic performance rather than take responsibility for your own failure. When you make a mistake, you should put your hand up and say, "it's my fault, I messed up, blame me, I take responsibility for my mistakes". That's how you grow and learn from your mistakes. You should have never ever blamed your father for what happened. That's why I think you're a terrible person. Grow up and take responsibility for your mistakes.
You may think I'm a rude bitch for scolding you - but wake up and smell the coffee. You come here and expect people to be nice to you? Duh, what planet do you live on? You think you can come and talk to random strangers and expect them to be nice to you - why should we be nice to you? Who the hell are you anyway? Be grateful that at least I am honest to you, honest enough to tell you the truth without giving a damn if you think that makes me rude in the process. I am blunt - people like me tell the truth even when it will cause grave offense.
thank you for your reply. But once again i don't blame my father for this. Seriously i am just expressing my comments. and i don't need your empathy. Anyway thanks for your good advice. And here this is for you:
Deletehttps://soundcloud.com/thundercat-forever/gakkou-gurashi-chapter-cd-song
(Trust me this is a good Japanese song you don't want to delete this and share it with your friends or the readers)
Let me put my two cents on the tense conversation in the previous post.
DeleteGalaxyLord, you need to understand that this is not Twitter, and LIFT does not appreciate senseless comments. What point were you trying to make with "My father lost hist job when I was 10"? Were you trying to gain sympathy or were you trying to add on to the details of your situation?
LIFT read that comment and concluded that you were trying to find an excuse for your plight and thus, the rage. As for me, I saw the whole conversation as a form of miscommunication or rather the lack of communication ability on GalaxyLord's part. So what point were you trying to make?
PS. you might find that the majority of readers here do not appreciate comments that do not try to convey anything or fail to convey anything? Those comments are reserved for stupid forums to start stupid arguments that spiral rapidly into senseless name-callings.
Hey Limpeh did you delete my comment? if so why?
DeleteThanks Weiping. I don't have the kind of patience you have with this ITE kid.
DeleteIf he was not blaming his father for what happened, then why did he bring up the issue of his father losing his job? And as if that's such a big deal, adults do sometimes find themselves in a situation when they are compelled to leave a company - does anyone actually expect to work for the same company their entire working lives? Nobody, such are the ways of the modern working.
And I can forgive his poor English, his inability to be as articulate as my other readers - that I can put up with. But for him to blame his father and then deny it later whilst adamantly refusing to take any responsibility, seriously, he's the kind of spoilt brat kid who has never ever taken any responsibility in his life ever. I bet his mother still wakes him up in the morning and makes him breakfasts and he'll be screaming, "mum! I can't find my socks!" That kinda bullshit. I'm not used to dealing with immature kids like that - I prefer talking to adults like you Weiping. Galaxy, come back when you've become an adult and are prepared to talk like one. I don't know how your parents put up with you - but then again, that's their fault for not having taught you how to take responsibility for your own mistakes in life.
Galaxy - you don't get it do you? This is my blog, my website, not some public forum. If I don't like someone, I can ban them. I don't like you, I think you're a terribly flawed young man who has yet to learn the importance of taking any kind of responsibility. Maybe uncle Weiping is patient enough with you to speak nicely to you - I'm not. I'm run out of patience with you. You're not welcome here. Henceforth, your future comments will not be approved.
DeleteGo away. Go study hard.
Hey limpeh I have a question.
ReplyDeleteWhy do Britain people have house(Most of them) while they pay 40%-50% tax dollars
While Singaporean pay 10% tax dollars but we live in a HDB Flat(Most of them)
Where do I even begin? You are so incredibly ignorant you don't even have the facts right.
Delete1. British people do NOT pay 40-50% income tax. It is actually a lot lower and it varies depending on your income - so a waitress who earns very little money hardly pays any tax at all, whilst an investment banker who earns millions every year pays a lot more. The rich pay more taxes than the poor.
2. The PAP government has been feeding Singaporeans like you lies, lies and more lies and people like our parents are dumb enough to believe their lies.
3. If you want to afford to live in a nice house, you need to earn a lot of money to be able to afford to buy the nice house. It has NOTHING to do with how much you are taxed but far more to do with how much you earn. If you are a waitress or doing some other shitty job in the UK, you are still going to be earning peanuts, you'll still be struggling to make ends meet and you still won't be able to own your own home.
4. You wanna live in a big house? TAKE RESPONSIBILITY - make sure you become one of those professionals who earns a lot of money so you can buy anything you want. See what I mean? I hate the way you are always finding someone else to blame - in this case you want to blame the government, the tax system. No, the idiot who ends up in ITE and ends up in a shitty job only has himself to blame when he can't afford to buy a nice house. It's got nothing to do with taxation - take responsibility for your own fuck ups in life. You ended up in ITE because you were a stupid, lazy loser who didn't study hard enough - you have no one to blame but yourself for the sorry state of your life. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
5. I could talk about population density but I'd rather finish off by telling you to take responsibility for your own mistakes in life. Stop finding excuses. You need to grow up and take responsibility.
And that's another interesting discussion - just the number of comments is telling: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/youre-still-poor-35-you-deserve-jack-ma-alvin-lee?trk=hp-feed-article-title-share
ReplyDeleteHi LIFT, another great post. I see a bit of myself in all 5 of the people you described, thought long & hard after reading the comments here, and reach 1 conclusion about the ingredient they lacked at some point: DETERMINATION. This is sorely missing in most Singaporeans & our education system does nothing to cultivate it.
ReplyDeleteWith determination, you'll automatically have other qualities needed for success. Confidence (ESSENTIAL!!!), ambition, perseverance, resourcefulness, fortitude, resilience etc. This list our govt trots out when they talk about "rugged society" or "pioneer generation". However the main factor deciding whether someone develops these character traits is the family, especially parents' socio-economic level.
My ex secondary classmates from an elite boys sch are almost all prominent figures/ industry leaders now, a significant proportion having migrated to the West; whereas my ex JC mates (from an egalitarian JC) have mostly down-to-earth occupations like civil servant, counselling psychologist, working for VWOs, healthcare or teaching.
Those from "elite" families are groomed from young to become "movers & shakers" of the future whereas those from humble backgrounds, vaguely told only to "study hard so you wont be a road sweeper" tend to drift into helping (as opposed to leadership / corporate) professions. They are not equipped with the right mindset & connections to climb or fly high.
Your 5 friends are not badly off despite big gaps between their intelligence & achievements. They just didnt know clearly from the start what they wanted, and floundered around before finding their footing. Some end up in the right place, some wrong. But most just tell you they're "doing ok, no complaints, no regrets" which is the easy answer when one tries to evade admitting disappointment at their own failure.
Hi CLT. Well let's put it this way. I know of this guy who managed to work in UBS despite going to a terrible university at the bottom of the British league table because his father was well connected. Daddy made a few phone calls, called in a few favours and his son managed to get a dream job at UBS despite having zero relevant paper qualifications. Yeah the world sucks when it comes to 'fairness' - you have heard enough about my parents from Ang Mo Kio: what help can they possibility give me when it comes to my career? Zero, absolutely zero - they don't even know what the hell I do for a living. But still, I clawed my way up from nothing and today, I am doing what this guy is doing: sales and distribution for fixed income products through sheer graft. I don't sit back and feel sorry for myself having those parents from Ang Mo Kio who did nothing to help me in my working life - I just got on with life and there's an element of sheer brazen confidence when I really had no right to that kind of confidence. When no one believes in you, you just have to believe in yourself sometimes.
DeleteHi LIFT. Why do you feel that something went "wrong" with these 5 friends? I know in the local context we often measure success by job title, career, income and the 5 Cs. However, isn't the point of living ultimately to be happy? Your 2 female friends found good husbands, settled down and had kids, and this gives them great joy although their careers did not quite turn out the way they wanted to. Yes, but you say but in JC they were all so elite and smart and they didn't say they were going to settle for being mundane housewives! The thing is, life is unpredictable and spontaneous and things change and evolve along the way. What we want and aspire to change too. At least they found their way and happiness and although some of us might sneer at their lack of ambition or drive, I think they are perfectly fine as they are. They are not committing crimes or doing drugs so why do we need to judge that something went "wrong" with them?
ReplyDeleteI want to point out though that if you look at the 5 case studies only 1 stands out. Pauline and Kelly are happy. Kang struggled but made it and is happy. Even Dale is happy and carefree! Only Ali is miserable af. So if anything went wrong with your 5 friends I think Ali got it the worst. You can say that all 5 were victims of circumstance but honestly Ali is the one who willingly screwed himself over repeatedly whereas the rest did what they could and tried to make the best of their situations.
Sign on with SAF just to get a degree? Umm hello there are other financial assistance programs. But ok actually a military career isn't too shabby. Except he hated it to death.
His worst decision is actually to get married young and had not one not two but three kids! In the first place it's not like he was in good financial shape. A SAF career pays well but he wanted out asap. Establishing a new career after leaving SAF is not easy too. His parents are not wealthy and rely on him and so do his many younger siblings who are probably still schooling. So why add 3 more kids and a wife to feed?! Ohh we must be sensitive to other cultures some may say but seriously these 5 people are highly intelligent individuals. If Kang can rebel against his own culture of the obsessive need to have every son become a doctor/lawyer so can Ali against the pressure to get married at XX age and have XX kids when the circumstances are not conducive for doing so! Call it noble or dutiful but to me it's just plain idiocy. On this blog I often see Singaporean Chinese culture and mindset being bashed and I do recognize there are toxic aspects (eg the doctor-lawyer thing). But other cultures also have idiotic elements as well (ie reproduce reproduce without heed of the consequences!!)
Hi Ken,
DeleteYou see, in life, we tend not to get extremes but a mix of good and bad - take Pauline's situation. She's living in a HDB flat, her husband's salary isn't that much and they spend every dollar he earns with little to spare. I have talked about her visiting London with her family and she just said, "maybe one day we'll be able to afford holidays like that." Oh you can then turn around and say that happy families don't need fancy foreign holidays to enjoy life together - but what if I told you that Pauline was smart and ambitious back in the day when we were students and somehow, she gave up on herself and now believes that she's not cut out to be a career woman? Likewise for Kelly, she wanted a career so bad but couldn't get one. Am I being sexist in judging these women for choosing motherhood? No, I'm merely commenting that I knew these two women when they were young and had ambition and pointing out that something has changed in them. Incidentally, I do have two female ex-classmate from JC who are super successful today - one is married with no kids, the other is single. It seems to me that motherhood does remove a woman's ambition or at least channels her energy in a totally different direction. I'm not sure how happy Pauline and Kelly are - at least they just have to deal with their demons of regret (esp in Kelly's case) but at least they can depend on their husbands.
As for Ali, he was always the adventurous, sporty, outdoorsy kinda guy so we weren't that surprised when he chose an SAF carrer. We thought it would suit him given the kinda guy he was, but the culture in the SAF didn't suit him.
"Maybe one day we will be able to afford..."
DeletePauline's answer bothers me alot
If she genuinely decided to change her focus from say a 'high flying career woman' to 'highly attentive mother' i would expect a more postive reply like "i can't afford that at the moment, but maybe we can save up and make a trip in 2 - 3 years time, i would love for my kid to see the world"
Pauline sounds as if she stopped pursuing any kind of dreams. I believe a life of chasing small dreams can be fulfilling too. I know mothers who do ie Salsa or Theatre or Storytelling... point is they keep pursuing things within the constraints of full time motherhood. There are mums who do investing, direct sales - the flexible timing of self employment allows them to care for the kids AND make some extra, hell, in some cases lots of money.
Motherhood as the dream is great, but if its a noble excuse, a cop out - oh dear. In long run
Pauline risks a life of regret
I have a long nagging question. I went to the same school that you did, so naturally we are surrounded by intelligent people who ace exams.
ReplyDeleteHowever there is a big amount of my girl friends who ended up to be either stay home moms, or admin people + kids. And I struggle to understand why...
My life can't be more different... I lived in 7 countries since graduation, worked/travelled for work in about 41 countries.. married with no kids, and I have a job I love - where I am fulfilling my purpose in life.
Whenever I express my confusion or ask them what are their ambitions or what do they want to do when the kids grow up... I get awkward silence or judgemental looks. Either I touched on a raw nerve, or because "I am selfish and career minded" (somehow no kids == selfish), or I wouldn't understand because "I don't have kids".
I would very much want to be able to understand this. Because I do think these ladies have so much potential!
Hi Elysee, I could write a long answer to you write now but I feel that my latest post (still writing it) will address this issue directly. So if I may ask you to hold on to that thought for now and wait for my latest post, I'm sure you'll find that relevant and interesting. Thanks.
DeleteHey LimpehFT, been reading your blog on and off for about two years now and I really like most of your blog posts and find that you have a lot of opinions that I agree with and I admire how good you are with words. However in this post, I thought you were kind of too condescending towards some of the friends highlighted in it. The choices you might have made may be different from theirs, but people have their own perspectives and priorities, so I don't think you should have been so judgemental. What would seem like the best choice for you may not be the same for them.
ReplyDeleteFor those female friends that have become mothers, I don't see why you seem to have perceived it as a failure. I am not a mother myself (still an undergrad) but I follow some mothers on their blogs and social media and it seems to me that being a good mother is extremely fulfilling to them, perhaps more than being a successful corporate exec. You may have your own idea of what success in life is like but not everyone will share the same view, so probably you shouldn't judge them so harshly?
Hi M, a few points for you.
Delete1. I'm hardly Mr Corporate - if you have actually ready my blog for 2 years, then you'll know that the path I took is highly unusual. I have a well paid job in finance whilst still pursuing my dreams in the arts. I did my tax return recently and still, about a third of my income comes from the arts, a third from banking and a third from rental. If you are assuming that I work full time in banking, then you're wrong.
2. In the case of Kelly, I know that settling to be a mother was a last resort when nothing else worked out. Even in the case of Pauline, she had plans and ambitions to do a lot more than be a housewife/tuition teacher but none of those worked out. the fact is, I knew these two women and if you suggested to them back in JC that women should grow up to be housewives taking care of the kids, well they would be angry. They'll tell you that a woman can be president. But look at them today, is this what they wanted? I'm not comparing them to myself (I'm not part of that equation) - I'm comparing what they are in 2016 to what they said to me in 1993-1994.
Reading this entry makes me very sad. You just resonate what've been going on my mind lately about how my ex classmates are doing now as adults. One thing I realize is that life is really unpredictable. You never know how your live gonna turn out so differently because of ONE choice you made. The scary part is that you would not know which one is the pivotable that could change your life forever. We all make so many choices daily. But such is life!
ReplyDeleteNowadays I like to think those bad things you mentioned about your ex classmates' lives as life's challenges/obstacles. All of us will have, by "luck", some have bigger ones than the rest. Maybe, just maybe, the rainbow is on the other side of these setbacks. Some give up at the first few beatings, and declare defeat. Some keep fighting on, do not accept what they are getting out of life, and demand more.
I am also a product of bad parenting. My mom on the contrast tried all ways to force me to have a "normal" life. She stopped me from going to any gifted school further from home. She stopped me going to the med school which would allow me to go Europe on scholarship to study med. I spent many years of my adult life in confusion and wondering why is such. At the end, I accepted, my mom was doing her best within her capacity to protect me. I read few of your entries here in your blog, so I think you have already realized that the reason they are behaving that way is because they are, er, not very smart. My mom is the same. She thought engineer only deal with machines, no need to deal with human being much. So I know it is not really their fault they behave that way. Just like autism, they do not know that they are not right.
As I grow older, I think it is healthy and necessary to not let my parents steering me into wrong direction, or make me feel bad, but, like what JK Rowling said, “There is an expiry date on blaming your parents for steering you in the wrong direction; the moment you are old enough to take the wheel, responsibility lies with you.”, now, no matter how old you are, 40s, 50s, 60s, your fate is in your hand. Don't like it, change it. Move it. That's my take on life now.
Hi there and thanks for sharing. I think you and I share a lot in common from that perspective. My mother is clearly autistic, suffered from health problems throughout her adult life and most of all, as a primary school, knew nothing about living in the adult world beyond the school gates. So whenever she tried to offer any kind of advice, I would nod and smile whilst thinking in my head, "what do you know, this is adult stuff, not primary school stuff." Didn't it occur to you at some point to 'manage' your mother - ie. smile and nod whilst ignoring her? We gain nothing from open confrontation, you don't need to tell her that she knows nothing, but at the same time, you cannot listen to someone like that. Good intention or not, you have to recognize that her advice is bad and you'll be screwed if you listened to her.
DeleteUnknown, did u continue to work as a. engineer?
DeleteDid u come to enjoy it? Or did u make a switch back to health/medical fields?
@Limpeh: yea... Kind of. I only talk to her when necessary. Sad thing is, during my dad's funeral, I was crying out of the pain of not able to have the chance to treat him like what I would like to him. I tried my best but like you said, it is hard, and it is out of your control since it takes 2 hands to clap. I hope my mom improves with faster rate before it is too late.
DeleteL Chen: No... No turning point once you entered the school. Engineer as a career, No. So I am making a big switch to something else now.
Well you know what the scary thought for me recently was? I felt very sad when George Michael died because his music was a big part of my childhood, growing up listening to his music. My father is very old and when he dies, I am scared I won't be able to feel sad or cry because he was simply not a part of my childhood - he took little interest in me growing up. My mother took even less interest but it just got worse as I grew older. At least me doing sports, my father could understand that but anything beyond that, well, it was an alien world to him out there. It was the challenge of being brought up by primary school teachers who knew virtually nothing beyond the PSLE syllabus or the big bad world beyond their school gates. I have long accepted that my parents don't want to be a part of my life anymore and I can't force them to take an interest. I remember trying to tell them about my life but they just don't care, don't want to know and what's the bloody point of trying to force them to be interested? They will die one day and I fear the worst: I fear that I won't cry or feel sad, I'll just go to the funeral and everyone will assume that I'll be sad but how do you feel sad when they have chosen to alienate me for decades? I fear people will hate me and think I am a monster if I am not sad enough. Well maybe I am a monster, so be it. I never claimed to be a nice person.
DeleteMy dad, I don't know what to say, maybe few times worse than what you hv just described of yours. Alcoholic, womanizer, violent, sexually abused both me and my sister, selfish (his mentality is one day all would die, and since he could not bring anything with him, he would not make or create anything more than what he needed just enough for himself), to name a few.
DeleteMy mom, same as yours, even till this date do not know what exactly I do for a living. She just knew it was some engineering job. They did not even attend my graduation day. So you know why I feel so compelling to actually comment and follow your blog.
I used to get so angry at them for screwing up my life. But you know what, really no point. They do not know. I put them in the category labeled as Toxic people, to handle with care. If they do not want to change, and we have done our parts, to save our own sanity, we have to move on unless you want to get dragged down by them. When I call my mom, the moment she starts talking about the 20 cent saving of mango, I just drop down the phone. When she doesn't appreciate my gifts and thoughts, I stop buying things for her, unless she specifically asks for it (like now). When she keeps giving away all the money I give her, I stop giving her any cash. When I feel I do not have any quality time with her anymore, I stop giving her my time. I also know she has some mental illness developed from the decades of abuse from my dad, but she refused to go for treatment (oh you could have imagined her reaction when I mentioned that to her lol). I brought her to come to stay with me, but her illness also didn't really go away, and she drove me up the wall. But I could live with it since I know I have done my best. Now is all up to her if she wants to see the light and make the move.
Now, everyone has to face the consequences of their own choices and actions, and that is not something we have a lot of control over. So just have to accept it and move on. Do not get angry :). They are what they are.
Good grief. My parents were at best guilty of not taking any interest in their children and some form of neglect, your parents are plain evil. I'm surprised you didn't move to another country just to get away from them!
DeleteWow, Unknown, ur father is a whole different level of evil. Maybe my grandfatther comes close
ReplyDeleteHow were you able to find closure?
Have u had therapy?
My therapy is sports, long distance running and biking.
DeleteAs I said, I didn't see him when he was on his dead bed. He got a young woman to stay in our house for 1-2 years when my mom went to stay with me. He drove himself to hospital when he felt sick (he's a doctor anyway), and then checked in and stayed there till he was admitted to ICU. My uncle called us and said he might not be able to make it, and wanted us to go back to see him. In a split of moment, I decided not to tell my mom. The next call not long after that, he said my dad had passed away. My uncle said, he was CRYING very hard when passing, he was in great pain and did ask for us.
I didn't want to imagine, or think back of those of his last moments. It just pained me very bad.
Growing up, I was generally a good daughter. I would save up money to buy my parents gifts on their birthdays (they didn't). I liked to surprise them with stuffs (my mom's response was: You stole my money to buy these???). I did well in school. I didn't exactly listen to them in term of going to med school, but I think I was all I would want for in a daughter. It took me a lot to finally stop talking to my dad, stop buying him gifts, and did not go n buy the first ticket to fly home when heard he's on his dead bed. I just didn't know how to forgive him, or to face him.
Sometimes I think it is their upbringing. My parents are not exactly stupid. It's like a mixed up or something like that. They sometimes talk sense, then the next moment behave just like that. I didn't know what to do with that, so I just empathise with them, try to understand where they might be coming from, and if I can't find, I just stay away from them. A lot of times in life, you can't find the answer, nor closure. Just accept it and move on after you have tried everything.
I also like to think of these as life's setbacks. We have to get over them, or let them consume us.
Oh my. I am shocked at how traumatic your experience has been. Maybe it's because I work in finance, I have a very pragmatic view about such issues. If you knew that investing in "fund ABC-123" would give you a bad return in your investment, would you pour your life savings into it? Of course not, you would look around for a better alternative that will give you a much better return on your investment. Your parents had already proved that they will suck the life out of you and give you little or nothing in return emotionally - yet you still went and invested so much time, energy and emotions into trying to make them like you?
DeleteI think that's trying to flog a dead horse. In banking, we would choose to cut our losses, take what's left of our capital and invest in elsewhere. But you seem determined to make a loss on your investment in this case, in choosing to invest with your parents for no better reason than this misguided notion that you could change them? I've long accepted that my parents don't want to know me, that perhaps they regretted having me - and I put 8 time zones between them and me for the last 2 decades.
I don't know you - but I implore you please, you need to be rational and not emotional. There's no other way you are going to get through what life can through at your if you choose to be emotional rather than plain pragmatic. Perhaps that makes me a cold hearted created but that's how I get through the toughest challenges life can throw at me.
Umm, maybe my post's timelines all mixed up, so you are confused with my story. I did stay away from them at the end. Just like you :). I meant I gave them the benefit of doubts. I made sure I got them right before I moved away from them.
DeleteMy mom till last year still kept saying my age and her age didn't match up, and that caused her all her life's sufferings. I didn't give a hoot to her comment. However, lately she called me and said I should go back to put the first brick to build the new house cos "her age and my age seem to be compatible". So it did work huh. That, or the older people have this face loosing thing, they can't say the good things to us, and when they have no choice but say something, they choose to lament us instead. So just ignore what come out of their mouth, but look at their actions. Like, my sis said my mom talked quite proudly when she showed her friends the stuffs I bought for her (even when she threw vulgars at me for buying those) while her friends were super impressed lol. I take it as they do not know how to express their feeling, or love to us. Your dad do buy stuffs you like from SG to you right? So think of this instead of his 20cent savings from NTUC mango. lol.
The part about my dad's final moment, I meant he 'd reaped what he sowed. That's why I didn't have to find any closure. You know the funny thing about this is, karma is a real thing. Sometimes you don't have to deal with people who broke your heart or destroy you, karma will find them one day. He passed away without any family member around. That was the biggest punishment one could get, don't you think? And even if I hopped on to the plane the moment I heard the news, we still could not change that. Our family has quite good genes. My grandparents all live to almost 100 years old. But he passed on at only 65 years old.
DeleteThat's why I cried so hard during his funeral. I cried for not able to be the daughter I wanted to be. I wanted to surprise my father on every of his birthday. I wanted to tell him what I have done with my life. I wanted to show him the world ( I found his new passport just applied not long before he passed on. Never used. I didn't want him to embarrass me in front of my in-law's). I wanted to build a nice big house for him with my first pay cheques. I wanted to show him my 2 daughters.
But there's nothing I could do further to change it. He chose the life himself.
Look, I'm really sorry about your horrible experiences etc - but there's just a part I don't even pretend to understand. You hated your father for all the horrible things you've done yet you cried at his funeral because you didn't get the kind of ideal, perfect father-daughter relationship you had in your head? Sorry, I mean no disrespect but that's just crazy. Fucking crazy. It seems you cried because you didn't get what you wanted in life, you didn't get the kind of perfect father you desired rather than accept the fact that your father was a nasty, evil person his death had released the rest of your family from his grip. I'm sorry, I mean no disrespect, but you should have celebrated and drank champagne at his funeral after all the awful things he did to you - crying for the reasons you did seems incredibly ... I don't even know what word to use. I'm just bemused you had never ever come to terms with the fact that your parents are awful people and that you were in denial right till his death.
DeleteI'm so glad that my pragmatic self has long decided that my parents don't love me at all - that's fine, I accept it. Now I move on with life and won't shed any more tears. There's so many people in life I have meaningful relationships with. I just spent an evening with my buddy Alex the vet and we are such good friends - he knows so much more about me, about what I do on a daily basis than my parents ever will. I've long moved on to form meaningful relationships with people like my friend Alex the vet. You need to as well - why are you even bothering contacting your mother?!?!?
Yea it was such a sad ending for a life. For a long time I didn't see him. Also for a long time, I didn't come back to see my mom cos I told her I would not see them if she chose to continue to live in hell with him despite all those things, and despite he beat the hell out of her everyday. I didn't expect myself to cry at his funeral. I once told him sth like what you just said, I would not give a damn if he is dead or alive, and would not come home till he was dead. But you know, when it actually happened, I just could not take it. When we got home, the funeral was already on going. You know, despite all the cleanup by the funeral house, and before that was my uncles and cousins who also cleaned him up, he was dripping blood from the coffin through out the 2 days we were there. When all was done, I cleaned up the house once was my home, drips of dry blood were on the floor. All over the house. His death is a kind of tragic.
DeleteAt his funeral, I cried for myself. For my sis and mom. For the 30 odd years of abuse. That is the bitter sweet thing. Oh yes, my mom once said it out, looks like things better now that he is gone. It took me hell to drag her out of that shit. And at least she didn't have to suffer for 2 years. She finally acknowledged that. I told her for years to get her out, and that we would not be involved in the crazy shit bat husband and father anymore.
My mom, to be fair, is the most hard working person I ever know. My years of growing up, she never let me do anything, not even wash my own clothes. She made sure I had all the times I needed for studying. So she was the super woman who took care and provided for the kids, and the dead beat husband. Being a woman myself, I kind of sympathise with her. It's the old thinking that woman had to stick to the man no matter what that drove her to these. I used to criticise her for being selfish for that, but you know, like I mentioned before, I think she has some mental illness, and also her life's experience is so limited. So she only acted like that due to her own circumstances. She just doesn't know any better. So as I grow older, I just forgive her. Forgive them so I could forgive myself and move on.
Life is not always so straight forward right.
Just an interesting question I came across: Your only 13 year old child has a critical illness in the brain but not lethal. And your child requests for euthansia, which is legal in that country. If not, he would have to suffer in pain for his entire life, and he would not be able to do many things, even going to the toilet might be an issue and he will feel that he is useless, eventually suffering from depression. Would you as a parent allow your child to be euthanised to ease him from the pain or would you stop him from doing so?
ReplyDeleteGood afternoon Limpeh, nice blog here. Could you please provide some information on skilled migrant visas as I'm considering an occupation to train to obtain one? Thanks
ReplyDeleteDo your own research - this is a HUGE topic as there are so many options and you didn't even tell me what career path you're interested in. I can tell you, hey go be a doctor, they love doctors - are you just going to drop everything and go do ten years of medical training just to become a fully qualified doctor? You realize how dumb your question is when it is that vague?
Delete