Is bullying a character building experience?

I am going to tackle a potentially controversial topic today: some people have described bullying as a character building exercise, because it presents the child a reasonably small problem that they have to learn to resolve. In doing so, they may learn much about conflict resolution, dealing with difficult people and managing different relationships in life - it will prepare them to solve far more complex problems in adult life. Many have condemned such an attitude as unhelpful or even potentially harmful because it is based entirely on the assumption that the bullying victim is indeed able to cope with the challenges of such a situation and can indeed effectively resolve such a situation - if so, then yes, very valuable lessons can indeed be learnt. But is this hypothesis over reliant on this assumption being the case?

Can our bad experiences build character?

As discussed in a previous post, I had experienced quite extreme bullying as a teenager but I was a fighter who gave as good as I got. I learnt to cope out of sheer necessity, given the circumstances I found myself in, it was pretty much a case of sink or swim. But let's look at another case study, Nick Beighton was a former British army officer who lost both legs when he stepped on an IED in Afghanistan in 2009. He required 25 operations after the accident and represented team GB at the Rio 2016 Paralympics, where he took a bronze in the KL2 men’s canoe sprint final. The man is an inspiration - to go from nearly losing his life in 2009, to rebuilding his life, to winning a bronze medal in Rio in just 7 years, Beighton's journey can be described as nothing short of inspirational. But would you describe losing his legs and nearly dying as "a character building experience"? I think that would be at best a tactless, crass choice of words to describe what Beighton has gone through. So how is it acceptable to describe any kind of bullying experience as a 'character building' exercise then when victims clearly suffer a lot?

When bad things happen (such as in the case of Beighton), sometimes people have the resourcefulness, the determination and the ability to rebuild their lives and make the most of a terrible situation. In the case of Beighton, we all love a feel good story to see a man put his life back together and achieve something truly amazing after overcoming such incredibly difficult circumstances. But wait, what about those soldiers who were maimed at war like Beighton but never gone on to do something like Beighton. They struggle to get back to some kind of normality in their lives and most ordinary tasks become quite a challenge for them. But no, social media isn't interested in people like that - we ignore them because their stories are just too sad, we prefer to look at cases like Nick Beighton because his story has a happy ending, it is packed with a feel-good factor. But aren't we forgetting that people like Nick Beighton are the exception - he is in the minority in being able to achieve what he did? The harsh reality is that few people who have had their legs blown off in such horrific circumstances would have the kind of tenacity, resourcefulness and determination that someone like Beighton has to rebuild his life and become an inspiration to many. Are we therefore guilty of ignoring the statistics and merely focusing on the feel-good stories, just because of our selfish need for optimism? What about those who end up as social recluses, unable to function after such a traumatic accident?

Do we ignore bad news on social media and just focus on the feel good stories?

As for myself, being subjected to a lot of bullying was not the best way to teach anyone how to deal with difficult people, but that was exactly what life dealt me. I seem to have pretty rotten luck when it comes to this aspect: I was brought up by a mother who definitely has Asperger's syndrome and I was subjected to lot of bullying in secondary school. When I was serving NS, again I was in a very toxic environment where there was a lot of bullying., When I started working, I ended up in sales where it was a very competitive, very toxic environment. It's probably fair to say that I have had to deal with far more difficult people in life than most people, in this sink or swim situation, I have become extremely good to deal with people and it has served me very well in my professional life (ie. one of those elusive soft skills that I often talk about). Like Beighton, I had been dealt a difficult hand in life and making the best of a bad situation wasn't even a conscious choice at the time - I just had to do whatever I had to do to deal with the circumstances I was facing, I didn't have a plan or even knew exactly what I was trying to do.

Throughout the various episodes of my life, I have witnessed other victims of bullying who fell to pieces in so many ways. These were the people who ended up well and truly defeated by the bullies and I suppose they didn't have the ability or help to resolve the situations they found themselves in. Gosh, where do I begin? In a recent post, I compared myself to a former classmate 'Ajay' (not his real name) who simply didn't know how to respond to the relentless bullying - he was well and truly broken by the end of his secondary school years. It wasn't a character building exercise nor did he learn anything from the experience, no. He just suffered a lot all those years and gained nothing from the experience. Likewise, I have a friend Georgia who is a social worker who has worked with this former soldier (let's call him Barry, not his real name) who like Nick Beighton, had both legs amputated after stepping on an IED in Afghanistan. Like Beighton, Barry was very seriously injured in the accident and had both legs amputated. Barry came back to the UK, suffering from PTSD, unable to adjust to life without legs, he became an alcoholic and Georgia is at her wits' end, unable to stop him from drinking himself to death which is exactly what he is trying to do. Do we ever talk about people like Barry in social media? No, we are selfish: we prefer the feel good, inspirational stories, we ignore those like Barry and Ajay who suffer so much because we don't want to be emotionally burdened by these sad cases.

Do we deliberately ignore the bad news stories on social media?

I'd go as far as to say that we are pretty selfish people - by focusing on those feel good, inspirational stories like Nick Beighton, we are working on the assumption that such horrific incidents of grave suffering are character building exercises, because that means we don't need to do anything to help these people who encounter such misfortune. It gives us a convenient excuse to look the other way without offering any help, "yes he's suffering but it's okay! It's a character building exercise and he is going to emerge stronger and better as a result!" I have heard some people use the analogy of allowing the butterfly to struggle as it tries to break out of cocoon - the butterfly forces blood and other bodily fluids through the wings in that process and that is vital for the development of the wings. If you were to intervene by cutting the cocoon open to spare that poor butterfly that struggle, you will find that the butterfly has shriveled wings and will never fly at all as a result and will die soon after. That butterfly analogy is often used to justify why it is okay to stand back and let someone struggle instead of intervening and helping. Such arguments are used to justify choosing not to intervene and help someone in trouble. I find that comparison way too simplistic.

The fact is, in the case of the butterfly, we understand the process of it breaking out of the cocoon and how those vital hours affect the development of the wings. It is predictable and of course, there are certain processes in life which may not be pleasant, but are predictable enough to deliver a desirable outcome. Take jogging for example - let's not pretend jogging is that fun, it is hard work (especially in a place like Singapore where you sweat so much in the tropical heat) and your body will protest especially if you are not used to the exercise. But sure enough, you will reap the benefits of regular exercise and if you're trying to lose weight, then jogging is a pretty effective way to burn excess calories and improve fitness. But when you subject a teenager to relentless cruel bullying for years or when you blow a man's legs off like that, you cannot predict what will happen to the victim and there is a high chance that they may just emotionally crumble under those horrific circumstances. Some victims of extreme bullying take their own lives because they are simply unable to cope with the bullying and that is why we cannot compare this to the butterfly analogy.

So what about the inspirational, success stories like that of Nick Beighton then? Like many of you, I do love inspirational stories like that, but it is very important to focus on the man behind the success - Nick Beighton himself and give him due credit for having achieved so much whilst struggling against the odds after having lost his legs. To imagine that somehow, the IED that blew off his legs had functioned like the cocoon for the butterfly is wrong on so many levels, because it takes credit away from Beighton and it also then plays on the assumption that you can blow off anyone's legs and they will emerge from that stronger and able to win a medal at the Paralympics. No, life doesn't work like that. It is important to try to understand what Beighton did to rebuild his life, to come to term with what had happened in Afghanistan and then fully give him all the credit he is due. There is a lot to learn from someone like Beighton of course but we need to try to understand the difference between a hero like Beighton and someone like Barry (the guy who is slowly drinking himself to death as a result of the trauma).

It almost seems crass to talk about people like Beighton in nothing less than language which worships them on a pedestal, but allow me to point out something about Beighton before he loss his legs. He was a graduate from Sheffield University before training at Sandhurst - one of the most prestigious military academies in the UK. He had a brilliant career in the army as an officer, climbing the ranks very quickly. The evidence shows that Beighton is clearly extremely intelligent, talented, capable and has achieved a lot prior to losing his legs. The same excellent qualities that made Beighton such a success prior to losing his legs were probably the same qualities that made him an inspiration after losing his legs. Now, if I may compare Beighton's situation to that of Barry's - Barry didn't have a good education, he dropped out of school at the age of 16 with no formal qualifications and drifted from one odd job to another. When he was 20, his father fell very ill and was no longer able to work (his mother was a housewife and never worked) - Barry felt the pressure to help put food on the table for his younger siblings so he decided to join the army as he couldn't find a job. Due to his lack of formal qualifications, he had to work his way up from the bottom of the ranks.

Some people are born more resourceful than others.

It sounds extremely cruel and callous to compare Barry and Beighton. but because Barry had achieved so little prior to losing his legs, the traumatic experience of losing his legs wasn't going to suddenly infuse him with all the wonderful qualities that someone like Beighton has. Gosh, I feel really bad and I am so sorry to have to say it like that for it sounds unsympathetic to Barry. Traumatic incidents which make us suffer can at best bring out the very best in us, as we dig deep to cope with a very difficult situation - but what if the best in us simply isn't good enough? What then? What if we simply do not possess the right qualities to cope with such a difficult situation in the first place - as was the case with Barry? He returned from the battlefield a broken man, severely traumatized and unable to come to terms with losing his legs. Getting drunk seems to be the only way he can get through the day and even an experienced social worker like Georgia doesn't quite know what to do in the case of Barry.

And if I may turn my attention to my former classmate 'Ajay' whom like me, was subjected to a lot of bullying throughout his time at secondary school. I turned into the most manipulative, cunning person in the school who was able to beat the bullies at their own game - I became their worst nightmare, I had to show them that they were messing with the wrong guy. In short, I became a lot more evil than them in order to scare them off. Ajay didn't have it in him to turn into a nasty bully like me - he had turned from a naive boy trying to become everyone's best friend to a defeated recluse, afraid to even talk to anyone and for the last two years in secondary school, he was afraid to even raise his hand and answer a question or offer an opinion in class. His bullies managed to well and truly destroy his spirit and undermine his self-confidence - he simply wanted to be left alone, blend in with the furniture and be ignored. He certainly had no friends at all and that didn't even satisfy the bullies, who continued seeing him as an easy target. They broke Ajay, well and truly. It was really nasty and quite scary indeed, all this took place in a secondary school.

 Sadly in life, there will be people like Ajay and Barry who will be subjected to traumatic experiences that will well and truly break them. I hope that with time, Ajay and Barry will somehow manage to put their lives back together but unfortunately, many people in such situations never will and that is the harsh reality of life that so many selfish people choose to conveniently ignore by assuming, "oh yeah it's a learning experience, it's a character building exercise, they will bounce back stronger." No, they won't - not without a massive amount of understanding, sympathy and help on your part and from professionals like my social worker friend Georgia, who's working so hard with Barry. Whereas someone like Nick Beighton already had a very successful career in the army and he would have continued being a success in his life regardless - losing his legs merely forced him to change his path in life and the fact is he already has all the right qualities to find success in life before losing his legs. As for myself, I'd like to think that I would have picked up all those people skills to be good with people one way or another, even if I was not subjected to so much bullying.

So that's it from me on this issue - what do you think? How do you react when you hear people describing bullying as a character building experience? Have you experienced bullying yourself? Are you possibly guilty of being quite selfish in assuming that those who befall misfortune are merely going through a character building exercise? Or do you think there could be any justification in using bad experiences as character building exercises? Many thanks for reading.