Thursday 25 August 2016

What is behind all this bad Asian advice then?

Hi guys. One of the aspects of blogging that I enjoy the most is the way I interact with my regular readers and sometimes they leave me very thought-provoking comments. Recently, my reader Chin Lam Toh left me a list of eight things his parents have taught him. I shall cut and paste the list before and then I shall analyze how useful this list of sage Asian advice actually is and how it is relevant (or not) to the modern world. Please not that this is by no means a personal attack on Mr Toh's parents, but rather, I am judging their mentality. So let's hear what they have to say:
1. Don't tell people too much about yourself, or give your opinion when it hasn't been asked for, because before you know it they will be spreading rumours about you. Just keep your mouth shut.

Verdict: This is quite far off the mark. Very salah I'm afraid.

My response: There's so much in here, let's deal with each piece of advice. "Don't tell people too much about yourself" is wrong on so many levels - people? As if all human beings are a monolithic entity. There is a huge difference between the slimy bastard at work whom I just don't trust and my best friend whom I have known for years. I would be keep the slimy bastard from work at arm's length whilst I know I can relax and open up to my good friends. You need to be careful whom you open up to, that means being a relatively good judge of human character. Learn to identify people with qualities that will make good friends: such people are kind, generous, empathetic, considerate and have high EQ. By the same token, beware of people who are unkind, selfish, egocentric, self-obsessed and have low EQ.  You see, this piece of advice just assumes that everyone is evil and nasty so you can't trust anyone - but that's simply not the case. I know whom I can trust and whom I will never trust - the people whom I trust will never do stupid shit like spread rumours about me, they are my friends and they are good to me. 

Why is Mr Toh's parents giving him such advice then? Maybe they don't trust in his ability to be a good judge of human character, they are afraid that he will trust the wrong people in life and that could lead to trouble. I suppose this advice would only be appropriate if Mr Toh was really such a poor judge of character that he wouldn't be able to tell the difference between friend and foe. But really, most of us do somehow figure this out one way or another, usually through trial and error. This makes me wonder why Mr Toh's parents were so paranoid about him having such poor judgement - did they perhaps make bad errors of judgement in the past? Or did they experience some kind of painful betrayal which makes them no longer trust people they consider their friends? I don't want to rush to judgement because I don't know what kind of experiences they have had which made them take that stance - but surely this advice is highly inappropriate for Mr Toh as he really isn't that hopeless when it comes to judging human character.
Are you a good judge of human character?

2. Don't reveal to people if you make any mistake or when something has gone wrong in your work/ studies, because they will twist it such that you have some kind of evil character. Lie vehemently, if you have to.

Verdict: Again, very salah. Very wrong.

My response: Oh dear. This sounds like something my mother would say and she puts herself in an impossible position when things go wrong, yet she denies any wrongdoing. Even if she acknowledges that something has gone wrong with the situation, she would place the blame on someone/something else and not accept any responsibility. I am then having my face-palm moment and thinking, "whom are you trying to kid? It is obvious that things went wrong because of you - you can deny or lie all you want, you're not going to convince me otherwise." Can you see how ridiculous going down that path can be. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I never lie - allow me to explain: you should only lie if you know that there is a very good chance that the other party you're lying to will believe what you're saying. If you are unlikely to convince the other party with your lie, then it is far better to be up front and honest. I believe in the power of reverse psychology - be humble in admitting your weaknesses or mistakes and others are far more likely to respond in a kind and encouraging manner. 

Let me tell you what is actually going on with people like my mother who give such advice. Now my mother can speak Mandarin but not very well (her mother tongue is Hokkien) and she can read a little Chinese. This was when I was a kid and we were with our neighbour's family out in Ang Mo Kio when we saw a sign written in Chinese and my mother had misread the sign. One of the neighbours corrected my mother and so my mother said something like, "oh really? I couldn't see very clearly, these are my old spectacles. I am not wearing my new spectacles." And I thought, bullshit - that's the same pair of glasses you wear all the time, you don't have a newer pair at home. She would rather make a silly excuse like that than to 'lose face' by admitting that her Chinese isn't good. That's her instinctive response - to tell a rather unconvincing lie in a desperate bid not to 'lose face'. I laughed when that happened and my mother glared at me. Were our neighbours so evil that they would use this incident to mock my mother or belittle her? Of course not. But this incident tells you far more about my mother's lack of self-esteem, insecurity and her fear of "losing face".
Why was my mother so afraid of 'losing face' over misreading one word?

3. Don't show people your weaknesses, because they will exploit that knowledge to put you down or climb above you. Hide your vulnerabilities, forever if possible.

Verdict: Again, wrong. Very salah. 

My response: Again, same problem with some of the earlier advice. This assumes the very worst of people, as if everyone is evil and out to exploit you. Like I said before, there is a huge difference between friend and foe.

4. Don't be too kind/nice to people, because they will take advantage of you, and make you help them do all their dirty work. Keep within your boundaries and don't venture any further than you have to.

Verdict: Once again, wrong.

My response: Sigh. Same problem. I refer you to the response I gave you above.

5. Don't be too open with your feelings, because people will then know how to hurt you, and they will also think you are easy to bully. Guard your emotions like your life depends on it.

Verdict: Wrong, wrong, wrong.

My response: I am beginning to sound like a broken record. Mr Toh's parents dispenses advice on the basis that everyone in this world is evil and nasty when we all know that simply isn't the case. Friend, foe et al.
Is it all about this Asian concept of "losing face"?

6. If you want to tell people something that is either sensitive in nature or will devastate them, don't tell them directly. Instead do something sneaky to get it across (such as telling somebody else the message, within the hearing of the targeted person). Borrow another's knife to kill someone.

Verdict: I think you're missing the mark here.

My response: I've seen too many terrible examples of Singaporeans being painfully tactless. Let me give you an example. Years ago, my sister had a childhood friend who was very sick in hospital - she had just gone to visit her friend, then she went out to do something else. Whilst she was out, we got a phone call to inform us that her friend had passed away. I had planned to sit my sister down, hold her hands and break it to her very gently. But the moment my sister walked into the house, somebody else (can't remember who) shouted, "_____ just died!" I was furious. Of course, my sister collapsed on the floor and cried, she was devastated. That episode just goes to show we have no concept of being tactful in our culture in Singapore, I believe it is vital to know how to take responsibility for such difficult situations and handle them with extreme tact. That's something my family was never good at and I'm still emotionally scarred from the experience. Passing on such information via hearsay is just wrong because you dump that information on the poor person without taking responsibility for the consequences - that's just bullshit man. How can you treat people like that, that's just f#cking awful. No, no, no. Please be a decent human being.

7. Don't lend people any of your belongings, because you will never get it back; and don't let people lend you anything, because when you return it, they may accuse you of damaging it when it was already in bad condition in the first place, then demand compensation from you.

Verdict: Again, I think you're wrong.

My response: It boils down to trust - you can trust your good friends when it comes to borrowing and lending, but you wouldn't extend that trust to people you don't know very well. Mr Toh's parents simply assumed that everyone in this world is evil and nasty. Well we all know that isn't true of course. Why do they assume the worst of everybody then?
Who is your friend? Who is your foe? Can you tell the difference?

8. Don't trust people, unless they are your family members. No matter what, family always comes first. Blood is thicker than water.

Verdict: Completely wrong. Totally salah.

My response: Here's the irony - we get to choose our friends, spouse and to a certain degree the, even the people we work with (well, if things get really awful, then you always have the option to quit). But when it comes to our family members, you have absolutely no choice in the matter. Your family members may be really nice people or they may be really awful. It is totally random whether or not they are nice people you have anything in common with or if you will even like them. One would like to think that the experience of growing up together, living in the same house might create some kind of bond that will keep you together, but there's really no guarantee. Now I am very lucky in that I get along well with my two sisters, but my father has a brother he totally fell out with in the early 1990s. I don't think they had spoken since and even when my uncle lay dying in a hospital in Malaysia a few years back, my dad refused to go see him on the basis that his brother was dead to him already since the 1990s. I am glad my father didn't go, as he would have probably just spat in his brother's face as he lay dying there.

It is a pretty long story as to why they fell apart but it suffices to say that my uncle was an evil person who did something unspeakably evil and hurt a lot of innocent people. My father was too noble to try to exact revenge with someone as fucking evil as my uncle - so he turned his back on his brother and effectively said, "you're dead to me". Now I'm glad my father has the common sense to turn his back on his fucking evil brother because all this fucking bullshit about 'blood is thicker than water' is just the most fucking stupid bullshit crap I have ever heard. No you silly people with no common sense, you need to exercise your judgement with all people - even with your family members. Now think about all the horribly evil people in the world - you know, the rapists, murderers, pedophiles and other evil people who do horrible things (and hopefully are rotting in jail) - they all have families as well. You think their family members would blindly trust them, even if they have become rapists, swindlers, murderers and pedophiles? Duh.
What if your family member did something truly awful?

I do trust my two sisters and am very fortunate to have a very good relationship with them. I am very lucky to have two wonderful older sisters who have done so much for me - my parents didn't have particularly good parenting skills and so many times, my older sisters have had to step in where my parents have failed to deliver and 'parent' me along the way, especially when I was a difficult teenager. That was when the generation gap was so huge my parents just didn't understand what they were doing wrong and without my sisters' intervention, well I would have probably just ran away from home. It is on this basis that I have developed this extremely close relationship with my two sisters, based on what they have done for me over the years, for which I am extremely grateful. Now that's why I trust my sisters, because they have been so good to me over the years and they have earned my trust and respect. But no, I don't take this trust for granted - especially after I've seen what my evil uncle had done back in the 1990s.

I did question my father's judgement last year though, when I mouthed off another good for nothing uncle (not the same one who died some years back, but another one) in my family and called him vile names. My father got angry with me and said that no matter how I felt, I shouldn't speak ill about an elder in the family because he is from an older generation. Now this is when my father really doesn't understand me - I went out of my way to provoke by saying that I would say whatever  I wanted about that uncle and I would drink champagne at his funeral only to piss on his coffin in front of all the relatives. Yeah, anyone who knows me well enough well know never to tell me not to say something for I would do the total opposite. I knew exactly what buttons to press to express my disagreement - my mother had to then step in as peacemaker because she realized I was taking great joy in winding my father up. Ironically, my father had slagged off that very same uncle before, but oh no, it's okay for him to do so because they are of the same generation but it is not okay for me to pass judgement on an elder in the extended family? Ooh er, double standards, methinks. Well, I don't believe that respect (or trust for that matter) should be unconditionally offered - it should be earned, even with family members. That is why I have a huge problem with this Asian mentality in the first place.
My father was guilty of double standards.

So for what it is worth, as I am finishing off this piece, I had experienced a strange experience recently with a good friend of mine who is white and English. I will talk about what I had witnessed in another post - but it left me bewildered and puzzled. He was brought up in a very loving white English family, probably very different from what Mr Toh experienced - yet it still didn't equip him with the right kind of social skills to deal with complex human relations. So perhaps what our parents try to teach us doesn't really matter, perhaps it really does boil down to how we, as individuals, deal with the challenges presented to us in life? Let me know what you think. Many thanks for reading.


9 comments:

  1. I "trust" my sister enough to not place too much trust in her words.

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  2. I actually find it hard to keep my opinions to myself. Lol.
    My mother said not to talk to strange men. Teehee!

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    1. I think it all boils down to being able to tell the difference between friend and foe at the end of the day...

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  3. These tips paint a dire picture of human beings and society... where is "social harmony"?

    That said, I wouldn't say this attitude is unique to some Asian parents - in my family, elderly people used to display similar prejudices: they would have loved the "blood is thicker than water" thing!

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    1. But that's the part I had the greatest objection: why would you trust someone just because they are a blood relative? What if they turned out to be a really evil person, like a cold blooded serial killer? Would you then still blindly offer them your love and trust?

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    2. I think it's more about "saving face" and promoting an ideal they used to stick to - as you have written in your post about your family, things are so different in the real world.

      I don't want to annoy anyone with details, but I can say my relatives had a quite ambiguous attitude - while they were able to be quite mean to one another (including not talking to each other for years, etc.), they were also obsessed with preventing people from gossiping about them (c'mon, we are neither wealthy nor famous - just a common middle-class family!).

      In most cases, parents and relatives probably just want their children to behave as though they really loved and respected every family member - as long as they don't do anything against the family's "honour", they don't care about the kids' real feelings, I guess.

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  4. I think we need to look at the context of that all the "Good Advice" offered. I am making the assumption that the parental generation described here grew up during the postwar / babyboomer years where things are more chaotic and the outcomes of social justice is largely empiric. Two things that I observe that is common - defensive suspicion of the rest of society and the consequent belief that only family is trustworthy; rule by law rather than rule of law meaning whoever is strongest, richest, most connected has the final say.

    I understand that parents in all their misguided "wisdom" meant well but the method simply is deplorable. I suspect that their growing up in a society where civic consciousness and social justice were served by a mob and rule by law method, there was no real trust in the social and justice system. Ironically, our emphasis on strong family values further entrench the suspicion. I will say that this strong family unity is simply a sign that the social justice system of the wider environment is perceived as being untrustworthy.

    FYI - my grandparents (who escaped China during the tumultous Republican Chinese years) are exactly the sort who would spout the sort of advice which Chin Lam's parents did although it got watered down when it came to my own folks.

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  5. I find it interesting that even in metaphors and the like, Singaporeans come off as a backwards species of barbarians who'd sooner talk about killing over how the voices in their head are making them feel.

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  6. It's not so much "backwards barbarians", more "nation of neurotics".

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