Friday 26 August 2016

Ah young love, barking up the wrong tree...

In my last post, I left a little cliff hanger, I talked about a white, English friend (let's call him Max - not his real name obviously) who was brought up in a loving family, but still found himself in a position which left me thinking, "oh my goodness, do you realize just how wrong you are?" Now I got to know my young friend Max through gymnastics - like me he is a gymnast but he is a lot younger and still competing as he is just 20. He got himself a new girlfriend a few weeks ago and I got to meet her for the first time recently. Let's call her Delia (not her real name), Max brought her to the gym so she could watch him train. It meant a lot to Max for Delia to see him train, as gymnastics was a large part of his life and I suppose there was a part of him that wanted her to be impressed. But it didn't go according to plan, no.
Love, romance and disappointment?

So when Delia came to the gym, I was training with Max - but good grief, I felt so bad for Max. I swear I paid Max a lot more attention and he was pretty desperate to get Delia's attention, but she was glued to her phone. What is it with teenagers and their phones, eh? Am I over-reacting? I didn't know what she was doing but it suffices to say that she barely looked up at Max. When Max asked her to film some of his training, she did it very reluctantly. So my gut reaction in seeing that lukewarm interest she showed in her boyfriend was, "why the hell are the two of you even dating in the first place? She's barely interested in you." Later, as I was putting some equipment away, I overheard her complaining to Max that he wasn't paying enough attention to her and she wasn't having fun that day. I wanted to take her aside and tell her that paying attention is a two-way street - you barely looked up from your phone all day Delia, yet you wanted Max to shower you with his attention? Like, is this your first relationship? Don't be unreasonable - you know it doesn't work like that." But no, I pretended I didn't hear anything - it was none of my business, really.

What did Max see in Delia? I don't know, I suppose she is definitly above average in the looks department and I am just speaking objectively. But would you date someone just because that person looks good? What about chemistry, that element of liking each other, expressing an interest in each other? All I can say is that young people often don't know what they want in a relationship - we go through so many years at school learning about mathematics, geography, history, physics etc. Some of us may be lucky enough to have older siblings, cousins or family friends who have sat us down and talked to us about relationships, but many of us have to simply figure this out through trial and error. From the way Delia was behaving, I suspected this relationship wasn't going to last too long as it was unbalanced: he was very interested in trying to impress her but somehow, she had put herself on a pedestal for him to woo and impress. This kind of relationship was going to be pretty exhausting for Max and I didn't think he was going to get much out of it. Is the joy of having a pretty girlfriend worth all that effort with so little reward? Is Max even aware of the problematic situation? What does Max really want out of a relationship? I don't think he even knows, given how young he is - but I am sure he would be so much happier with someone else who was more willing to reciprocate.
Does Max knows what he wants out of this relationship?

So for all the talk about white people having better parenting skills because of their culture, well, all that still didn't equip Max with the right kind of skills to help him make sense of this relationship. I could sense that Max was a young man who is constantly seeking approval - many gymnasts are like that, we grow up in an environment where we are always trying to please someone: be it our coach or the judges at a competition. A panel of judges get to decide whether all that hard work we have put in is worthy of a medal or not. So you can see why someone like Max was trying to get approval from Delia and I would have thought that the right kind of girlfriend for Max would have been someone willing to provide him with that kind of reassurance. Instead, Delia came across as rather immature and expected Max to be the gentleman attending to her needs. I don't get it. Was it worth the amount of work, for such a high-maintenance girlfriend, just because she's hot? I wouldn't have thought so, we live in the age of Tindr and Grindr (hey, even Joseph Schooling uses Tindr you know) so surely we can conveniently separate love and lust? No matter how beautiful Delia may be, Max was so barking up the wrong tree by trying to seek approval from her. I could see that within minutes of observing them, but I chose not to say anything. Max wasn't coming to me for advice on dating and I wasn't going to offer any (unless he asked). It is easier just to say nothing in such situations.

So why is young Max so misguided in his quest for love then? Or am I too harsh on Delia - maybe she simply isn't that interested in sports? Would his white, English parents have been able to make any difference in his aspect by giving him good advice? Or is this something that we all have to figure out through trial and error over the years? Can I possibly help Max? How can parents actually help their children when it comes to making sure their first relationship(s) are not toxic and harmful? I'm not sure. Leave a comment below please, let's talk about it. Many thanks for reading.

6 comments:

  1. Delia sounds high maintenance for sure. Immature as well. I have noticed that many parents have raised kids these days to be princes and princesses. Self-absorbed brats. I laugh whenever I see young couples head over heels in love. It's not that I don't believe in love. I just know the journey ahead is long and challenging. It takes A LOT OF WORK to make a relationship lasts through the years. If they are having trouble now, .... hahaha! There is little hope for the future.

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    1. Oh Delia's attitude doesn't surprise me - but it is the way Max behaves that baffles me. Max is a perfectly nice guy, he doesn't deserve to be treated like that; but what makes him accept the role that Delia demands he takes in this relationship? I don't get it. Surely somewhere along the way, his parents should have told him, "don't date a woman who will push you around and treat you like crap. Date someone who will love you and take care of you." Maybe they taught him to be a gentleman who should treat a lady with respect, but that's not the same as being Delia's doormat. Likewise, I think at some stage, someone like Delia will grow up and stop being a brat because you don't get very far in life being a brat like that - but she's young and has plenty of growing up to do.

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    2. Gosh, Di - can you imagine if your son came home with a girlfriend who was like Delia?!?! A self-absorbed brat glued to her phone whilst yelling "pay attention to me damnit" (without taking her eyes off her phone).
      Aiyoh.

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    3. Dear God! If my son comes home with such a fluzzy, then I would have failed him as a mother. About Max ... my husband would say, "He's thinking with his d--k instead of his brain. Delia probably is good at you-know-what." Well, hubby's words would be a lot more precise. Lol.

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    4. Yes, what disturbs me about Max is that he has clearly prioritized looks over everything else when choosing to date Delia. I get it - he is a young man and he asked out a beautiful girl, but when he realized what kind of person she was, he still wanted to date her? I don't get it.

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    5. Oh yes, remember this one? He broke up with her, but before she treated him like crap for months. What gives?!?! I resisted the urge to go, see I could have told you so.

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