Now, I do speak Mandarin rather well and it is not a commonly spoken foreign language here in the UK. I am going to compare two white, English people I know who do speak some Mandarin. Firstly, there is Tom who has learnt a little because he has taken a course in school and then there is Jess, who has lived nearly two years in China and used to speak it a lot more fluently, but is rather rusty today. Tom is always keen to use his Mandarin with me but he almost expects me to congratulate him and praise him for trying - now, I never do that. I might go as far as to correct his mistakes in Mandarin (like when he gets his tones wrong), but I have never once praised him. Why? Because he goes around boasting that he speaks Mandarin when really, he knows a little bit at best. I swear my Hungarian is better than his Mandarin, but I would never claim to 'speak Hungarian' - no, I might say that I know a little bit of Hungarian. Tom's attitude is arrogant, boastful and I guess I don't react particularly well to that. When I correct his Mandarin, instead of thanking me for my help (and the free lesson), he would say something like, "oh come on, Mandarin is so hard, you're being too critical." Sometimes I would deliberately say a couple of sentences really quickly, knowing that he would not understand me, just to remind him that his Mandarin is very limited. "Oh excuse me, I thought you spoke Mandarin."
Then there's Jess who actually speaks Mandarin remarkably well. She is however, rather shy about speaking Mandarin and would often apologize for her Mandarin being bad. Naturally, I would react by praising and encouraging her to continue using her Mandarin with me, so that she would not forget how to speak Mandarin. I think her Mandarin is just rusty from the lack of use in the UK, for she has no one (apart from me) to practice speaking it with. Her vocabulary and grammar are great - her pronunciation and tones are inaccurate at best. Mind you, we had a really long chat in Mandarin the other night and she had no problems understanding what I said to her. That is why I would often chat with her in Mandarin instead of English when I see her and I am extremely nice about teaching her Mandarin. So whilst you can describe my attitude towards Tom's attempts at Mandarin as harsh or critical, I would describe my attitude towards Jess's Mandarin as extremely encouraging and helpful. Same topic, same language, but my attitude towards the two of them couldn't be more different. Why? Because they have such different attitudes towards their ability to speak Mandarin and therein lies the difference. It's not me, it's them.
It is not just about languages - let me give you another example. There is this guy at my gym - let's call him Michael (not his real name). He's an okay gymnast, he's been doing it for a while, he's not a beginner but he's not exactly training difficult skills either. He is however, rather boastful and arrogant despite the fact that he is hardly the best gymnast around - he would always shout things like "awesome!", "incredible" and "wow" when he trains. Now the unwritten rule in the gym is that we do not praise ourselves, ever heard of the saying "self praise is no praise"? Well, Michael didn't get the memo. Instead, we tend to let our gymnastics do the talking and if it is really good, then others around you will notice and they will be the ones praising you. That's why most of us just steer clear of Michael - I find him kinda weird because he doesn't understand that what he is doing is socially awkward at best. Now I would often praise and encourage gymnasts who have made improvements (including the beginners) as long as I can see the evidence of their hard work. Likewise, others will praise me when I am having a good day and encourage me when I am having a bad day. Michael, however, chooses not to be a part of that community and gives himself all the encouragement and reassurance he needs. He's completely oblivious of the way he is coming across to the others by acting like this, duh. The term that comes to mind is the 他没有风度 (he has no manners/class).
But of course, this nice circle of karma where people help each other only really works if those who accept the help reciprocate with gratitude and respect. People stop being nice and helpful if they get nothing in return, that is the harsh reality. This is why prefer to avoid any kind of social interaction with immature people because they do not understand that principle. I believe that for the vast majority of us, we're actually mostly smart enough to do this cost-benefit analysis when it comes to any kind of situation: what course of action would give us the most joy, the most satisfaction? Should I be nice and helpful, or shall I be nasty and mean? You see, the answer to that question would depend mostly on how the other party will react to our offer of help, And in the case of 'Nigel' as previously discussed, well - I suppose he was driven by frustration and he took it out on me as he was unhappy about the casting decision. His desire to vent his frustration outweighed anything I could have possibly offered him in return for him being helpful to me. Thus with that in mind, he chose to be nasty to me - not the most rational decision I think, but such is human nature. Even seemingly intelligent, reasonable people can make irrational decisions when their emotions take over.
So there you go. That's my take on this issue - once again, may I repeat please that I have never ever claimed to be a nice person. Hell no, I'm as nasty and mean as they come. However, I felt the need to write about this issue because some of the nicest, most polite people I have worked with have also turned out to be really evil and nasty. I'll never forget that 'good friend' at work who stabbed me in the back over money back in 2007 - I never saw that coming. Your classic playground bully who is mean and nasty to others is a bit of a stereotype that fits the simplistic vision of people being either nice or nasty. The fact is people are so complex and often, we may find ourselves in situations where we are unable to work out whether someone is nice or nasty, friend or foe. At least I offer you my honesty on my blog so you know exactly where you stand with me. My bluntness has alienated a lot of people but has also gained my blog a lot of fans by that same token - it is a double edged sword. Do let me know what you think, many thanks for reading.
Do you find it hard to figure out human behaviour?
I would rather risk being nasty than being nice. But being nasty does not imply that I am bullying the object of my criticism, it is just me being blunt. And after being blunt, I would follow up if I can on how we can improve on it. I hold the belief that people improve and correct their mistakes when being pointed out bluntly, because this is how I learn. Taking into context of my occupation as a software engineer, it does not help the development of the project if everyone is busy being nice to each other, not mentioning the possible flaws of our solutions. But by being blunt to each other, we help to disaster-proof the project.
I guess the work culture of your industry very much influences how people behave in that context as well. Personally, I really prefer it when people are blunt with me - at least I know where I stand with them. There's a scene from a movie which I shall share with you. This is during an interview for a woman to become a bar manager.
Interviewer: A twenty pound note is left on the bar and your assistant bar manager notices it. There are 3 ways she can react: firstly, she could put the £20 in the till, it belongs to the bar. Secondly, she can make an announcement to try to find out who dropped the note. Lastly, she could put it in her pocket: finders keepers. If these were 3 candidates for the job, whom would you hire?
Woman: I would hire the woman who keeps the £20. At least I know where I stood with her.
Exactly. Well said. That's why I felt that the simplistic division of nice vs nasty people is just wrong. Evil people get very far in life by becoming very popular and getting loads of supporters. Just look at Hitler or Trump.
Hi....to be honest, I find that sometimes, you do come across sounding abit arrogant on your blog posts. Am not disputing that you have done very well in your life and am a smart individual. However, I do feel quite irritated when you go on about ur acting career when i don't think you're considered a B (or even C-lister?) Makes me feel like you're over exaggerating something that we all kinda know isn't as great as it's made out to be!
Now I am chalking this to a difference in cultural perspective. Allow me to explain - once upon a time, I used to work in an office and had a well paid but very boring office job. I quit that job and decided to give acting a go, not knowing whether or not I will succeed or not. The fact that I ended up working with so many celebrities, flying all over Europe to be filming in different countries - well, even if you're not impressed, for me, sometimes I feel like a little kid who can't believe I'm actually getting paid to do all this (especially when I work with celebrities). I still pinch myself once in a while to check if I am dreaming. And please, I'm not a C-list celeb, more like Z-list. The fact is so many people can train for years to become an actor/dancer/model but there's no guarantee that they will succeed and get paid work in this field - I've done 2 years of TSD at VJC as part of my A levels and that's the sum of my training, yet I've done a lot better than a lot of these people who have spent obscene amounts of money training. If I talk about that, you think I'm boasting or being arrogant, but I think the story is that there's no guarantee in this industry: spending time & money on training does not guarantee you paid work or success. The fact that I am getting well paid work on a regular basis proves that I am doing better than a lot of others who have tried very hard to get into acting.
And as for me over-exaggerating? I'm brutally honest, I don't air-brush my pictures, I don't censor myself. When I was in Hungary, I spoke about how I struggled very hard with the complex choreography and other dancers being nasty to me. If I was trying to make you think that I was going to Hungary to be treated like a superstar, I would have censored that part and just told you how nice the hotel was, how lovely the Hungarians are and how much fun I had. Instead, I shared most publicly the worst part about the experience at the risk of making me look stupid, lacking confidence and virtually an impostor who didn't deserved to be there. How many actors would be this honest on social media? Virtually none - they would censor themselves only to share the nice things. Likewise, I remember when I came back from filming in Germany, I shared everything good and bad - I told you guys about how I struggled with German which I am not fluent in, I told you guys about how I had a runny nose and felt very sick on set, I told you guys about how I was worried my parents wouldn't even understand how hard it was for me to do this. I could have just shared the nice parts of the experience, but being me, I am always so honest and I share the things that are most important to me, even if it makes me look bad.
So Penny, did it occur to you that some of the things that I do end up doing as an actor can be a lot of fun, very exciting and I can't believe I'm being paid good money to do. But there's also the downside of it as well and I tell you both. I don't censor myself. The fact that you're assuming that "it isn't as great as it's made out to be" - what are you basing it on? Your sour grapes perception of actors? The fact is, no two actors have the same experience - some are more successful than others, most of us take different paths to get to where we are, some have more luck than others, so how can you make any assumptions about actors when really, we're all unique individuals?
Penny, Alex suffers from unbridled enthusiasm. Nothing wrong with that. I remember many years ago, a college student was killed. I told my colleagues that her boyfriend from China probably killed her. My white colleagues who thought themselves the sensitive types were scornful of my "nastiness". They said the soft-spoken boyfriend was not capable of killing. I scoffed at their ignorance. I said ANYONE is capable of murder. As for the Chinese, they can be brutal. So I was the nasty one for saying these things. Then it turned out the boyfriend and his cousin had killed the girl, chopped her up, and stuffed her body in a suitcase, dumped the suitcase in a lake,and flew back to China. It took ten or more years for Canadian police and Chinese police to track him and persecute "soft-spoken gentle" young man. Yes, I was the nasty one. Idiots! These colleagues bragged they read Deepak Chopra and so considered themselves sensitive and enlightened. Twits.
I think part of what I am still trying hard to rebel against is my parents attitude about enthusiasm and optimism in general. Get this: my parents used to be against me taking part in competitions (of any nature) because they knew that I would be disappointed if I didn't win. They were against me applying for scholarships because I would be disappointed if I didn't get it. They were against so many things I did for that reason: it is just their mentality - why suffer disappointment when you can aim low, lower your expectations and then take pleasures in other things in life? Why must your joy be based on such difficult achievements?
I know that my blog will reach a lot of young people and part of the message I wanna send out is, "yeah you can aim for the stars, who cares if you make it or not but dare to dream and sometimes, miracles can happen and you can fly off to somewhere amazing, get paid a LOT of money to do something you truly enjoy and your dreams can come true."
What would you rather I do - write a blog that discourages young people from doing anything ambitious? Because of the risk of disappointment? Crikey Penny you're probably just like my parents.
Speaking of disappointments --- my son loses a lot of tennis matches. When he wins, we are jubilant. When he loses we move on even though we know he is hurting. He is a great player but suffers from performance anxiety. He perseveres. We encourage. My mom was not interested in any pursuits of mine. She did not believe in the life lessons. I say do whatever you want to do. Being passionate and blunt is better than being dispassionate and "pleasant" for the sake of portraying a touchy-feely-let's all hold hands and sing Kumbaya persona. Those people irritate me.
Nothing wrong with being enthusiastic. It's the way it's been put across continuously, and so in your face. Let me cite an example: let's say that we have a footballer who's constantly saying "I'm playing in one of the biggest Football clubs in Europe, and I've done very well. I get to schmooze alongside the biggest stars in the world. And best of all, i'm paid very well for what I'm doing. I would say that I'm doing fantastically for somebody who's in this line." It all sounds fantastic, until you realise that it's a 40 year old pudgy man who's not part of the reserve team, and probably wouldn't even have a chance of that.
It's tolerable until it gets to a point where the person keeps saying that to everybody all the time, and one day somebody says it to your face "Look, reality is that you're not as good as you're made out to be."
Not saying that you've sugar coated the whole thing, and just talk about how fantastic your career has been so far, am just saying that maybe you shouldn't brag too much about it repeatedly.
Well if you did not read in between the lines, yes some of what is posted here may sound like bragging. The way I see it though, Alex usually lists his accomplishments to make a point - something along the lines of "If you make Prudent Choice X, you will get Desirable Outcome Y - I am the living proof of having made some good decisions in life".
I mean, wouldn't you find it at least somewhat inspiring to see a heartlander kid from humble beginnings living his dream and doing well in life?
Oh I have dealt with people like you before. Let me share this story. I once mentioned that I am a published author - now I never ever claimed to have been a super star writer like JK Rowling, just that I have been paid for writing fiction once upon a time (way back in 2001). You know how this person reacted? He claims that he has never ever heard of the book I wrote so I had no right to 'brag' that I am a published author and that I should not have mentioned it at all. Everything was seen from his perspective, like the world revolved around him and he got to decide who was worthy to be a writer and who should hang their heads in shame and not mention a word.
As for the whole thing you claim about reality vs expectations, I have actually gone out of my way to write to correct someone who claimed that acting is the best career in the world. Here it is: http://limpehft.blogspot.co.uk/2014/04/my-response-to-alvin-tans-piece-on.html If that's not a dose of reality from Limpeh about how difficult the acting world is, then you'll never be satisfied.
I don't claim to be a big star in the acting world - just someone who has managed to make a living from it. Staying with your football example - there are loads of people who are not big stars like Beckham, Ronaldo, Messi, Rooney or Pogba yet they are able to make a living playing football for maybe a second division team that we've probably never heard of and no, they will never become a huge star. Someone like me would say, "well done mate, you've got the best job in the world, you're doing something you really enjoy!" And someone like Penny would say, "shame on you, you're nothing like Rooney, you're a failure."
The fact is, I defy expectations. I break the mould. I've done this all my life. When I was a kid, I was told I'll never be good at gymnastics because I didn't have enough talent but I became a 3 time national champion. I was told I was spending too much time training sports and will never be a scholar - then I got not one, not two but three scholarships. I was then told I'll never get a job in banking in the UK as I didn't fit the mould of the typical banker - but I found my niche in selling financial products and my former boss realized what I was capable of. Then I got crazy and decided to become an actor - so many people were so cynical for so many reasons because I didn't fit the mould of what they thought an actor should be - eg. Lee Min Ho of Korea: tall, beautiful, supermodel good looks. I am short, balding and not good looking at all. Yet guess what? I have managed to get a helluva lot of well paid acting work - it's not because the whole acting thing is so easy to get into, but rather, I am a businessman who knows how to find my niche (the same way I did in banking) and find paid work.
People who defy expectations and break the mould are rare - most male K-pop stars look far more like Lee Min Ho than Psy, yet once in a while, you do get someone like Psy who is fat, older, pudgy and still comes up with something like Gangnam Style.
I've talked about being bullied in the industry, I've talked about having to work with people I can't stand, I've talked about working when i am very sick, I've talked about having to deal with disappointment, I've talked about struggling to get my parents to understand why I do what I do, I've talked about being taken out of my comfort zone and being made to feel whole inadequate, I've talked about so many incredibly negative aspects of my experience here on my blog. If anything, I've done ten times more complaining/moaning than bragging.
So Penny, I'm not a famous actor who looks like a superstar, yet I'm someone like Psy who doesn't fit the mould but has defied the odds and succeeded anyway. And somehow, you just can't get your head around that. You're the one with the problem. You can't deal with the fact that someone like me, who doesn't fit the mould, who doesn't look the part can actually 'break the rules' and get work anyway. I think the issue here is not my 'bragging' (I swear I complain more than I brag on my blog), but the very fact that I break the rules and defy the odds. I am guessing you're a Singaporean who's very, very rigid in your thinking and can't deal with the fact that sometimes, people like me can exist. It's too much of a mindfuck for you so you'll rather I go away and disappear - but I'm still here and I'm going nowhere. If you don't like me Penny, you don't have to read my blog you know. But I am not interested in pleasing you when I have have over 8.5 million hits on my blog - you're just one out of how many millions of readers? And you think your opinion matters to me? Don't get me wrong, I have a great relationship with some of the wonderful regular readers of mine and I have become great friends with some of them - but if you think you can come outta nowhere and just tell me what to do, girl, you're crazy.
@BFL Exactly. I've always said I'm the Ah Beng from Ang Mo Kio.
Part 3: Oh and Penny, in your silly football example (it shows you know NOTHING about football, professional sports or showbiz) you're wrong on so many levels. I say, if someone is paid good money by a football team, I have respect for them. There is a huge difference between pursuing something as a hobby (say someone who plays football for fun) and someone who gets paid to do it (ie. Wayne Rooney, who gets paid for playing football). The distinction is simple: are you being paid for what you do? Anyone can go to the karaoke bar and sing a song by Mariah Carey, but can you get paid as much as Mariah Carey for singing?
I may not be a superstar actor who is as famous as Matt Damon or Brad Pitt - but I get paid bloody good money when I do act. I am paid a LOT more for my acting work than you or your parents will ever get paid for whatever job they do in Singapore. Such is the difference Penny. It's not up for debate whether or not I'm part of the reserve team or not - I've been busy as a working actor for the last 12 years and have been getting shitloads of paid work as an actor. If you're not my fan, then I can live with that. Kindly fuck off and find some other guy to worship if I'm not your cup of tea.
LIFT's apparent 'arrogance' is actually a form of transparency and exuberance that is extremely rare and very refreshing. As a regular reader of this blog, I have been accused of hero-worshipping him, but that is a gross understatement. The bald fact is that I blindly idolise him as a demi-god. But jokes aside, let me explain why he has such a large following of intelligent people. This man has an incredible gift with words and language which is impossible to dispute no matter how you look at it, and many other talents besides. The clincher, though, is this: he is ENTIRELY self-made and he got to where he is through sheer guts. No need for pretense, short cuts, stepping on people's heads or stabbing them in the back. His honesty, wit and determination are what I would like my son to aspire to.
To Penny and whoever else doesnt get it: with a guy like LIFT what you see is what you get. It is a privilege to look into this mind, get a glimpse of some events in a unique life, engage with the ideas put forward, share the thoughts / feelings and gain new perspectives sorely lacking in our status-obsessed society. LIFT once again, thanks for all these.
Hi CLT, thank you so much for your kind words. I am currently preparing a full length reply to Penny as my next blog post.
I do wonder, before she begins to judge me, has she ever attended an audition in her life before? Has she ever performed on a stage before? Has she ever been paid money for her performing skills before? My guess is that she is a young teenager who feels that I don't fit the mould of what her expectations of a superstar actor is and that's why she hates me. Of course I am an oddball, an unusual one who doesn't fit the mould, but like you said CLT, if an oddball like me can keep on getting paid work in showbiz, don't you think I have some interesting insight, some pearls of wisdom to share that would tell you a lot about the showbiz industry?
Say if you saw an athlete in the Olympics who does not conform to the typical image of what you expect a runner to be, yet he somehow manages to clock in an impressive time in the heats and makes a final, would you simply say, "he shouldn't be there at all, go away" or would you say, "hmmm, interesting, I wonder what he did to enable him to deliver those results?" Penny is clearly the former, CLT the latter. Akan datang, more from me on this soon.
I think Penny simply used very bad examples to describe your consistent bragging in your abilities and wealth. Of course you can brag in your own blog and most readers agree that your career is diverse and successful. Most do not deny your blog is insightful, interesting,straight forward and uncensored. In fact I learned much from you.
It was when you talked about Nigel that I felt a tinge of hypocrisy, because you sound harsh towards readers whom are less knowledgable than you, but yet when the roles were switched, you suddenly sounded so philosophical.
Readers do not know how you behave in real life but online you do sometimes sound like a fucking dick. Of course you do state that you are quite humble in some real life situations (like with your China comrades) but its the perception you display online. It is like your white friend showing off his Chinese to you and you felt quite disgusted.
Same to some of your readers, when you constantly have to say how rich and successful you are, its can be quite a turn off. Again, nobody denies your achievements but I doubt even Bill Gates would brag about his contributions and wealth as often as you do. If you go back to your previous articles and comments, you can count the numerous times you were going on an ego trip.
And now you made a new article, going on a diatribe against Penny, probably a very young individual, simply from some stupid examples. I know you are very explicit about your weaknesses but it still makes you look like an overly sensitive guy. I begin to feel maybe it was how you were brought up and lack of acknowledgement of your parents on your successes that make you the way you are (This is merely a neutral observation). But then again its your blog so you can do whatever shit you want with it.
John, I would kindly invite you to read my latest response to Penny please - it isn't a big personal attack on her. After all, I cannot attack her personally if I don't know her personally. She's just as anonymous as you are - you know, you guys know so much about me if you have read plenty of my blog, but the truth is I know virtually nothing about you guys apart from your gender. Everything else is at best a guess. For example, I have no idea what your age is - you could be 14 or 41, I have no clue. I talked more generally about people like her who are negative about people like me, who are crazy enough to try crazy things despite the odds being stacked against us. I think it is vitally important that I give myself the permission, the license to try, even if everyone against me tells me that the odds are stacked against me. The worst case scenario is not failing - I'm not afraid to fail - I think the worst case scenario is when someone is so discouraged they do not even have the confidence to try. That's kinda sad really. I've talked about how I struggled against the odds as well when i worked in banking and how envious I was of a friend who had everything laid out before him, the odds were so in his favour and everything was so easy for him because he came from a rich family and his father set him up with his first job. What about Ah Bengs from AMK like me then, my parents could do nothing for me, the odds were so stacked against me from the start. Should people like me just give up from the start, or should I try to struggle against the odds because maybe, just maybe, I can find a way to succeed?
Nigel was a real asshole towards me, but what do you expect me to do - punch him in the face because he offended me? No, I did the gentlemanly thing and acted gracefully, settling the issue and coming to terms with it in a philosophical way. If you think I'm a hypocrite - then so be it. I've been called FAR WORSE things in my life and I've never claimed to be holier than a saint. It's not the first time I've been accused of hyprocrisy and I've been accused of far worse things. John, here's the part you don't get: I've never claimed to be a nice person. Heck, let me be the first to say this: I'm a pretty nasty, awful, mean, cruel, hypocritical asshole. Have I left out any adjectives? Yeah, I'm anything but nice. If you think you can hurt me by telling me that I'm not a nice person, I'm only going to turn around and say, "duh, John - since when did I claim to be a nice person in the first place? I never did, you must have been mistaken. I didn't to where I am today by being nice. I am not nice, I have never been nice and I have no intention to be nice. Get it? I'm awful. I'm nasty. You could probably say I'm fucking evil. Have a nice day."
And as for the Chinese colleagues, I'm not being humble - I pretended to be humble because I knew my Mandarin sucked compared to theirs. Feigning false modesty was the best way for me to get them to be more forgiving to me, because I was expected to improvise live on camera in Mandarin, responding to what they were saying in Mandarin on the cuff. Think 相声 - now my Mandarin isn't bad, but certainly not good enough for me to do 相声 like that. I was merely applying reverse psychology on them, did you really think I was humble? Duh. Not only am I a hypocrite, I am also very manipulative.
But you're right about two things John. Yes, I am a fucking dick. Call me what you want, but let's get this clear please: I NEVER said I was a nice person. So yes, I am indeed a fucking dick. I'm probably far, far worse than that actually. And yes, I never got any acknowledgement whatsoever from my parents growing up with regards to whatever I did. So yes you are observant on those fronts, but you totally missed the point about me not caring if you think I am a fucking asshole. So in case you didn't get the memo, let me give that to you again. I'm a indeed fucking dick and I don't give a fuck about being perceived nice. In fact, let's clear it up, no more ambiguity please. Make it public knowledge that I am indeed fucking evil, okay? So you don't need to try to upset me by trying to tell me that I'm not nice - because I am already confirming that I am so fucking evil. Have a nice day!
PS. I am fucking evil.
PPS. I am so fucking evil. Just in case you are still under the impression that I give a flying fuck about appearing to be a nice guy on my blog.
Dude, repeating that you are evil umpteen times does not automatically make you evil. What i say is that you sound like a fucking dick when you brag. I did not say you are a fucking dick. There is a difference. Neither do I claim you are a saint. It is only that you being tactful in real life is lost online. I think you now crave for acknowledgements you never had when you were young, to quite an unhealthy level. You have money and success, but you seem to lack some form of inner peace. I guess you just have to chill the fuck out.
Oh John, I just told Penny to go fuck herself with her violin on my long reply to her. If that doesn't make me fucking evil, then I don't know what does. Dude, my point is that so many people think they can influence me by claiming that what I have said is not nice and that I should somehow 'be nice' ... and that's why I am always the first to say, wait but what if I have no intention to be nice? What if I am by nature, a motherfucking dick who is so fucking evil, then what? You see, that then dis-empowers them, because if they think that I give a shit about being perceived as nice, then they have a power over me when they claim that I am not sending out the right signals. So in being the first to declare, "I am fucking evil", then that puts me in a position of power in that relationship. And quite frankly, I have never ever been a particularly nice person all my life. Trust me, nice people get taken advantage of and people walk all over them. You don't get very far in life being a nice person.
Oh, think about the politicians who are forced to apologize over some remark they have made in private (ref: Gordon Brown and the 'bigoted woman' comment in 2010) - poor Gordon Brown made a comment about this nasty piece of shit, this horrible anti-immigrant racist woman but it was captured on mike and Brown was forced to apologize for his honest (but private) comment? That's bullshit man. I would have said, "yeah that woman is a cow and now you know what I think, she can go fuck herself." But no, Brown was a politician held to ransom by the voting public and he is so fucking desperate to be liked and get votes that he would bend over backwards and apologize to that woman? That's awful man, that's just awful. That is why I take great joy in being anything but a politician, in not giving a fuck about being popular. Sometimes it is a lot easier to go through life when you don't give a fuck about pleasing anyone but yourself.
I would rather risk being nasty than being nice. But being nasty does not imply that I am bullying the object of my criticism, it is just me being blunt. And after being blunt, I would follow up if I can on how we can improve on it. I hold the belief that people improve and correct their mistakes when being pointed out bluntly, because this is how I learn.
ReplyDeleteTaking into context of my occupation as a software engineer, it does not help the development of the project if everyone is busy being nice to each other, not mentioning the possible flaws of our solutions. But by being blunt to each other, we help to disaster-proof the project.
I guess the work culture of your industry very much influences how people behave in that context as well. Personally, I really prefer it when people are blunt with me - at least I know where I stand with them. There's a scene from a movie which I shall share with you. This is during an interview for a woman to become a bar manager.
DeleteInterviewer: A twenty pound note is left on the bar and your assistant bar manager notices it. There are 3 ways she can react: firstly, she could put the £20 in the till, it belongs to the bar. Secondly, she can make an announcement to try to find out who dropped the note. Lastly, she could put it in her pocket: finders keepers. If these were 3 candidates for the job, whom would you hire?
Woman: I would hire the woman who keeps the £20. At least I know where I stood with her.
There's a Chinese proverb that goes 明抢易躲、安箭难防. Which is why you have to be wary of someone who smiles all the time.
ReplyDeleteExactly. Well said. That's why I felt that the simplistic division of nice vs nasty people is just wrong. Evil people get very far in life by becoming very popular and getting loads of supporters. Just look at Hitler or Trump.
DeleteHi....to be honest, I find that sometimes, you do come across sounding abit arrogant on your blog posts. Am not disputing that you have done very well in your life and am a smart individual. However, I do feel quite irritated when you go on about ur acting career when i don't think you're considered a B (or even C-lister?) Makes me feel like you're over exaggerating something that we all kinda know isn't as great as it's made out to be!
ReplyDeleteDear Penny,
DeleteNow I am chalking this to a difference in cultural perspective. Allow me to explain - once upon a time, I used to work in an office and had a well paid but very boring office job. I quit that job and decided to give acting a go, not knowing whether or not I will succeed or not. The fact that I ended up working with so many celebrities, flying all over Europe to be filming in different countries - well, even if you're not impressed, for me, sometimes I feel like a little kid who can't believe I'm actually getting paid to do all this (especially when I work with celebrities). I still pinch myself once in a while to check if I am dreaming. And please, I'm not a C-list celeb, more like Z-list. The fact is so many people can train for years to become an actor/dancer/model but there's no guarantee that they will succeed and get paid work in this field - I've done 2 years of TSD at VJC as part of my A levels and that's the sum of my training, yet I've done a lot better than a lot of these people who have spent obscene amounts of money training. If I talk about that, you think I'm boasting or being arrogant, but I think the story is that there's no guarantee in this industry: spending time & money on training does not guarantee you paid work or success. The fact that I am getting well paid work on a regular basis proves that I am doing better than a lot of others who have tried very hard to get into acting.
And as for me over-exaggerating? I'm brutally honest, I don't air-brush my pictures, I don't censor myself. When I was in Hungary, I spoke about how I struggled very hard with the complex choreography and other dancers being nasty to me. If I was trying to make you think that I was going to Hungary to be treated like a superstar, I would have censored that part and just told you how nice the hotel was, how lovely the Hungarians are and how much fun I had. Instead, I shared most publicly the worst part about the experience at the risk of making me look stupid, lacking confidence and virtually an impostor who didn't deserved to be there. How many actors would be this honest on social media? Virtually none - they would censor themselves only to share the nice things. Likewise, I remember when I came back from filming in Germany, I shared everything good and bad - I told you guys about how I struggled with German which I am not fluent in, I told you guys about how I had a runny nose and felt very sick on set, I told you guys about how I was worried my parents wouldn't even understand how hard it was for me to do this. I could have just shared the nice parts of the experience, but being me, I am always so honest and I share the things that are most important to me, even if it makes me look bad.
So Penny, did it occur to you that some of the things that I do end up doing as an actor can be a lot of fun, very exciting and I can't believe I'm being paid good money to do. But there's also the downside of it as well and I tell you both. I don't censor myself. The fact that you're assuming that "it isn't as great as it's made out to be" - what are you basing it on? Your sour grapes perception of actors? The fact is, no two actors have the same experience - some are more successful than others, most of us take different paths to get to where we are, some have more luck than others, so how can you make any assumptions about actors when really, we're all unique individuals?
Penny, Alex suffers from unbridled enthusiasm. Nothing wrong with that.
DeleteI remember many years ago, a college student was killed. I told my colleagues that her boyfriend from China probably killed her. My white colleagues who thought themselves the sensitive types were scornful of my "nastiness". They said the soft-spoken boyfriend was not capable of killing. I scoffed at their ignorance. I said ANYONE is capable of murder. As for the Chinese, they can be brutal. So I was the nasty one for saying these things. Then it turned out the boyfriend and his cousin had killed the girl, chopped her up, and stuffed her body in a suitcase, dumped the suitcase in a lake,and flew back to China. It took ten or more years for Canadian police and Chinese police to track him and persecute "soft-spoken gentle" young man. Yes, I was the nasty one. Idiots! These colleagues bragged they read Deepak Chopra and so considered themselves sensitive and enlightened. Twits.
Thanks Di, you know me so well.
DeleteI think part of what I am still trying hard to rebel against is my parents attitude about enthusiasm and optimism in general. Get this: my parents used to be against me taking part in competitions (of any nature) because they knew that I would be disappointed if I didn't win. They were against me applying for scholarships because I would be disappointed if I didn't get it. They were against so many things I did for that reason: it is just their mentality - why suffer disappointment when you can aim low, lower your expectations and then take pleasures in other things in life? Why must your joy be based on such difficult achievements?
I know that my blog will reach a lot of young people and part of the message I wanna send out is, "yeah you can aim for the stars, who cares if you make it or not but dare to dream and sometimes, miracles can happen and you can fly off to somewhere amazing, get paid a LOT of money to do something you truly enjoy and your dreams can come true."
What would you rather I do - write a blog that discourages young people from doing anything ambitious? Because of the risk of disappointment? Crikey Penny you're probably just like my parents.
Speaking of disappointments --- my son loses a lot of tennis matches. When he wins, we are jubilant. When he loses we move on even though we know he is hurting. He is a great player but suffers from performance anxiety. He perseveres. We encourage. My mom was not interested in any pursuits of mine. She did not believe in the life lessons. I say do whatever you want to do. Being passionate and blunt is better than being dispassionate and "pleasant" for the sake of portraying a touchy-feely-let's all hold hands and sing Kumbaya persona. Those people irritate me.
DeleteNothing wrong with being enthusiastic. It's the way it's been put across continuously, and so in your face. Let me cite an example: let's say that we have a footballer who's constantly saying "I'm playing in one of the biggest Football clubs in Europe, and I've done very well. I get to schmooze alongside the biggest stars in the world. And best of all, i'm paid very well for what I'm doing. I would say that I'm doing fantastically for somebody who's in this line." It all sounds fantastic, until you realise that it's a 40 year old pudgy man who's not part of the reserve team, and probably wouldn't even have a chance of that.
DeleteIt's tolerable until it gets to a point where the person keeps saying that to everybody all the time, and one day somebody says it to your face "Look, reality is that you're not as good as you're made out to be."
Not saying that you've sugar coated the whole thing, and just talk about how fantastic your career has been so far, am just saying that maybe you shouldn't brag too much about it repeatedly.
Hi Penny,
DeleteWell if you did not read in between the lines, yes some of what is posted here may sound like bragging. The way I see it though, Alex usually lists his accomplishments to make a point - something along the lines of "If you make Prudent Choice X, you will get Desirable Outcome Y - I am the living proof of having made some good decisions in life".
I mean, wouldn't you find it at least somewhat inspiring to see a heartlander kid from humble beginnings living his dream and doing well in life?
@Penny
DeleteOh I have dealt with people like you before. Let me share this story. I once mentioned that I am a published author - now I never ever claimed to have been a super star writer like JK Rowling, just that I have been paid for writing fiction once upon a time (way back in 2001). You know how this person reacted? He claims that he has never ever heard of the book I wrote so I had no right to 'brag' that I am a published author and that I should not have mentioned it at all. Everything was seen from his perspective, like the world revolved around him and he got to decide who was worthy to be a writer and who should hang their heads in shame and not mention a word.
As for the whole thing you claim about reality vs expectations, I have actually gone out of my way to write to correct someone who claimed that acting is the best career in the world. Here it is: http://limpehft.blogspot.co.uk/2014/04/my-response-to-alvin-tans-piece-on.html If that's not a dose of reality from Limpeh about how difficult the acting world is, then you'll never be satisfied.
I don't claim to be a big star in the acting world - just someone who has managed to make a living from it. Staying with your football example - there are loads of people who are not big stars like Beckham, Ronaldo, Messi, Rooney or Pogba yet they are able to make a living playing football for maybe a second division team that we've probably never heard of and no, they will never become a huge star. Someone like me would say, "well done mate, you've got the best job in the world, you're doing something you really enjoy!" And someone like Penny would say, "shame on you, you're nothing like Rooney, you're a failure."
The fact is, I defy expectations. I break the mould. I've done this all my life. When I was a kid, I was told I'll never be good at gymnastics because I didn't have enough talent but I became a 3 time national champion. I was told I was spending too much time training sports and will never be a scholar - then I got not one, not two but three scholarships. I was then told I'll never get a job in banking in the UK as I didn't fit the mould of the typical banker - but I found my niche in selling financial products and my former boss realized what I was capable of. Then I got crazy and decided to become an actor - so many people were so cynical for so many reasons because I didn't fit the mould of what they thought an actor should be - eg. Lee Min Ho of Korea: tall, beautiful, supermodel good looks. I am short, balding and not good looking at all. Yet guess what? I have managed to get a helluva lot of well paid acting work - it's not because the whole acting thing is so easy to get into, but rather, I am a businessman who knows how to find my niche (the same way I did in banking) and find paid work.
People who defy expectations and break the mould are rare - most male K-pop stars look far more like Lee Min Ho than Psy, yet once in a while, you do get someone like Psy who is fat, older, pudgy and still comes up with something like Gangnam Style.
Part 2
DeleteI've talked about being bullied in the industry, I've talked about having to work with people I can't stand, I've talked about working when i am very sick, I've talked about having to deal with disappointment, I've talked about struggling to get my parents to understand why I do what I do, I've talked about being taken out of my comfort zone and being made to feel whole inadequate, I've talked about so many incredibly negative aspects of my experience here on my blog. If anything, I've done ten times more complaining/moaning than bragging.
So Penny, I'm not a famous actor who looks like a superstar, yet I'm someone like Psy who doesn't fit the mould but has defied the odds and succeeded anyway. And somehow, you just can't get your head around that. You're the one with the problem. You can't deal with the fact that someone like me, who doesn't fit the mould, who doesn't look the part can actually 'break the rules' and get work anyway. I think the issue here is not my 'bragging' (I swear I complain more than I brag on my blog), but the very fact that I break the rules and defy the odds. I am guessing you're a Singaporean who's very, very rigid in your thinking and can't deal with the fact that sometimes, people like me can exist. It's too much of a mindfuck for you so you'll rather I go away and disappear - but I'm still here and I'm going nowhere. If you don't like me Penny, you don't have to read my blog you know. But I am not interested in pleasing you when I have have over 8.5 million hits on my blog - you're just one out of how many millions of readers? And you think your opinion matters to me? Don't get me wrong, I have a great relationship with some of the wonderful regular readers of mine and I have become great friends with some of them - but if you think you can come outta nowhere and just tell me what to do, girl, you're crazy.
@BFL Exactly. I've always said I'm the Ah Beng from Ang Mo Kio.
Part 3: Oh and Penny, in your silly football example (it shows you know NOTHING about football, professional sports or showbiz) you're wrong on so many levels. I say, if someone is paid good money by a football team, I have respect for them. There is a huge difference between pursuing something as a hobby (say someone who plays football for fun) and someone who gets paid to do it (ie. Wayne Rooney, who gets paid for playing football). The distinction is simple: are you being paid for what you do? Anyone can go to the karaoke bar and sing a song by Mariah Carey, but can you get paid as much as Mariah Carey for singing?
DeleteI may not be a superstar actor who is as famous as Matt Damon or Brad Pitt - but I get paid bloody good money when I do act. I am paid a LOT more for my acting work than you or your parents will ever get paid for whatever job they do in Singapore. Such is the difference Penny. It's not up for debate whether or not I'm part of the reserve team or not - I've been busy as a working actor for the last 12 years and have been getting shitloads of paid work as an actor. If you're not my fan, then I can live with that. Kindly fuck off and find some other guy to worship if I'm not your cup of tea.
LIFT's apparent 'arrogance' is actually a form of transparency and exuberance that is extremely rare and very refreshing.
ReplyDeleteAs a regular reader of this blog, I have been accused of hero-worshipping him, but that is a gross understatement. The bald fact is that I blindly idolise him as a demi-god.
But jokes aside, let me explain why he has such a large following of intelligent people.
This man has an incredible gift with words and language which is impossible to dispute no matter how you look at it, and many other talents besides.
The clincher, though, is this: he is ENTIRELY self-made and he got to where he is through sheer guts. No need for pretense, short cuts, stepping on people's heads or stabbing them in the back. His honesty, wit and determination are what I would like my son to aspire to.
To Penny and whoever else doesnt get it: with a guy like LIFT what you see is what you get. It is a privilege to look into this mind, get a glimpse of some events in a unique life, engage with the ideas put forward, share the thoughts / feelings and gain new perspectives sorely lacking in our status-obsessed society.
LIFT once again, thanks for all these.
Hi CLT, thank you so much for your kind words. I am currently preparing a full length reply to Penny as my next blog post.
DeleteI do wonder, before she begins to judge me, has she ever attended an audition in her life before? Has she ever performed on a stage before? Has she ever been paid money for her performing skills before? My guess is that she is a young teenager who feels that I don't fit the mould of what her expectations of a superstar actor is and that's why she hates me. Of course I am an oddball, an unusual one who doesn't fit the mould, but like you said CLT, if an oddball like me can keep on getting paid work in showbiz, don't you think I have some interesting insight, some pearls of wisdom to share that would tell you a lot about the showbiz industry?
Say if you saw an athlete in the Olympics who does not conform to the typical image of what you expect a runner to be, yet he somehow manages to clock in an impressive time in the heats and makes a final, would you simply say, "he shouldn't be there at all, go away" or would you say, "hmmm, interesting, I wonder what he did to enable him to deliver those results?" Penny is clearly the former, CLT the latter. Akan datang, more from me on this soon.
I think Penny simply used very bad examples to describe your consistent bragging in your abilities and wealth. Of course you can brag in your own blog and most readers agree that your career is diverse and successful. Most do not deny your blog is insightful, interesting,straight forward and uncensored. In fact I learned much from you.
ReplyDeleteIt was when you talked about Nigel that I felt a tinge of hypocrisy, because you sound harsh towards readers whom are less knowledgable than you, but yet when the roles were switched, you suddenly sounded so philosophical.
Readers do not know how you behave in real life but online you do sometimes sound like a fucking dick. Of course you do state that you are quite humble in some real life situations (like with your China comrades) but its the perception you display online. It is like your white friend showing off his Chinese to you and you felt quite disgusted.
Same to some of your readers, when you constantly have to say how rich and successful you are, its can be quite a turn off. Again, nobody denies your achievements but I doubt even Bill Gates would brag about his contributions and wealth as often as you do. If you go back to your previous articles and comments, you can count the numerous times you were going on an ego trip.
And now you made a new article, going on a diatribe against Penny, probably a very young individual, simply from some stupid examples. I know you are very explicit about your weaknesses but it still makes you look like an overly sensitive guy. I begin to feel maybe it was how you were brought up and lack of acknowledgement of your parents on your successes that make you the way you are (This is merely a neutral observation). But then again its your blog so you can do whatever shit you want with it.
John, I would kindly invite you to read my latest response to Penny please - it isn't a big personal attack on her. After all, I cannot attack her personally if I don't know her personally. She's just as anonymous as you are - you know, you guys know so much about me if you have read plenty of my blog, but the truth is I know virtually nothing about you guys apart from your gender. Everything else is at best a guess. For example, I have no idea what your age is - you could be 14 or 41, I have no clue. I talked more generally about people like her who are negative about people like me, who are crazy enough to try crazy things despite the odds being stacked against us. I think it is vitally important that I give myself the permission, the license to try, even if everyone against me tells me that the odds are stacked against me. The worst case scenario is not failing - I'm not afraid to fail - I think the worst case scenario is when someone is so discouraged they do not even have the confidence to try. That's kinda sad really. I've talked about how I struggled against the odds as well when i worked in banking and how envious I was of a friend who had everything laid out before him, the odds were so in his favour and everything was so easy for him because he came from a rich family and his father set him up with his first job. What about Ah Bengs from AMK like me then, my parents could do nothing for me, the odds were so stacked against me from the start. Should people like me just give up from the start, or should I try to struggle against the odds because maybe, just maybe, I can find a way to succeed?
DeleteNigel was a real asshole towards me, but what do you expect me to do - punch him in the face because he offended me? No, I did the gentlemanly thing and acted gracefully, settling the issue and coming to terms with it in a philosophical way. If you think I'm a hypocrite - then so be it. I've been called FAR WORSE things in my life and I've never claimed to be holier than a saint. It's not the first time I've been accused of hyprocrisy and I've been accused of far worse things. John, here's the part you don't get: I've never claimed to be a nice person. Heck, let me be the first to say this: I'm a pretty nasty, awful, mean, cruel, hypocritical asshole. Have I left out any adjectives? Yeah, I'm anything but nice. If you think you can hurt me by telling me that I'm not a nice person, I'm only going to turn around and say, "duh, John - since when did I claim to be a nice person in the first place? I never did, you must have been mistaken. I didn't to where I am today by being nice. I am not nice, I have never been nice and I have no intention to be nice. Get it? I'm awful. I'm nasty. You could probably say I'm fucking evil. Have a nice day."
And as for the Chinese colleagues, I'm not being humble - I pretended to be humble because I knew my Mandarin sucked compared to theirs. Feigning false modesty was the best way for me to get them to be more forgiving to me, because I was expected to improvise live on camera in Mandarin, responding to what they were saying in Mandarin on the cuff. Think 相声 - now my Mandarin isn't bad, but certainly not good enough for me to do 相声 like that. I was merely applying reverse psychology on them, did you really think I was humble? Duh. Not only am I a hypocrite, I am also very manipulative.
But you're right about two things John. Yes, I am a fucking dick. Call me what you want, but let's get this clear please: I NEVER said I was a nice person. So yes, I am indeed a fucking dick. I'm probably far, far worse than that actually. And yes, I never got any acknowledgement whatsoever from my parents growing up with regards to whatever I did. So yes you are observant on those fronts, but you totally missed the point about me not caring if you think I am a fucking asshole. So in case you didn't get the memo, let me give that to you again. I'm a indeed fucking dick and I don't give a fuck about being perceived nice. In fact, let's clear it up, no more ambiguity please. Make it public knowledge that I am indeed fucking evil, okay? So you don't need to try to upset me by trying to tell me that I'm not nice - because I am already confirming that I am so fucking evil. Have a nice day!
DeletePS. I am fucking evil.
PPS. I am so fucking evil. Just in case you are still under the impression that I give a flying fuck about appearing to be a nice guy on my blog.
Dude, repeating that you are evil umpteen times does not automatically make you evil. What i say is that you sound like a fucking dick when you brag. I did not say you are a fucking dick. There is a difference. Neither do I claim you are a saint. It is only that you being tactful in real life is lost online. I think you now crave for acknowledgements you never had when you were young, to quite an unhealthy level. You have money and success, but you seem to lack some form of inner peace. I guess you just have to chill the fuck out.
DeleteOh John, I just told Penny to go fuck herself with her violin on my long reply to her. If that doesn't make me fucking evil, then I don't know what does. Dude, my point is that so many people think they can influence me by claiming that what I have said is not nice and that I should somehow 'be nice' ... and that's why I am always the first to say, wait but what if I have no intention to be nice? What if I am by nature, a motherfucking dick who is so fucking evil, then what? You see, that then dis-empowers them, because if they think that I give a shit about being perceived as nice, then they have a power over me when they claim that I am not sending out the right signals. So in being the first to declare, "I am fucking evil", then that puts me in a position of power in that relationship. And quite frankly, I have never ever been a particularly nice person all my life. Trust me, nice people get taken advantage of and people walk all over them. You don't get very far in life being a nice person.
DeleteOh, think about the politicians who are forced to apologize over some remark they have made in private (ref: Gordon Brown and the 'bigoted woman' comment in 2010) - poor Gordon Brown made a comment about this nasty piece of shit, this horrible anti-immigrant racist woman but it was captured on mike and Brown was forced to apologize for his honest (but private) comment? That's bullshit man. I would have said, "yeah that woman is a cow and now you know what I think, she can go fuck herself." But no, Brown was a politician held to ransom by the voting public and he is so fucking desperate to be liked and get votes that he would bend over backwards and apologize to that woman? That's awful man, that's just awful. That is why I take great joy in being anything but a politician, in not giving a fuck about being popular. Sometimes it is a lot easier to go through life when you don't give a fuck about pleasing anyone but yourself.
DeleteDoes that make me evil enough for you John? :)