So what does it mean to be a gentleman then?

My last post on Singapore's The Gentleman's Pride actually attracted quite a lot of hits on my blog, so I would like to do a follow up post and talk about the concept of being a gentleman. Given how critical I was of those six guys behind The Gentleman's Pride, it would only be fair of me to offer my perspective on what it means to be a gentleman. There is an issue of semantics here: the word gentleman has been in use since the 11th century so it is a concept that has a very clear definition. This is when it got rather contentious on social media because there were many Singaporeans arguing over whether or not these men were merely celebrating a kind of glamorous lifestyle (which included dressing up in suits and going to elegant parties/events) or if they were genuinely portraying the image of a true gentleman.

Is being glamorous part of being a gentleman?

Why are the meanings of words so important? It is because we do not like being misled or deceived, we do not like to be given the wrong impression. Let's take the word 'model' for example: if you were told Katie is a model, then would assume that Katie is able to get paid work as a model, be it either posing in ads for print, strutting down the catwalk or acting in various advertising campaigns for TV/cinema/internet. What if you then found out that Katie is actually quite overweight and decidedly unattractive, she has never ever been paid to pose for a photo, that her pictures have never ever appeared in a print ad before and she has never ever set foot on a catwalk before - that all Katie has ever done was posted her selfies onto Instagram? Surely there is some element of deception here (or at least exaggeration) in claiming that Katie is a model: perhaps Katie would like to be one and dreams of becoming a working model one day, but it would be dishonest to describe her as one as she does not fit the criteria of a model.

How about this then - one of my favourite dishes from Singapore is laksa. Oh what I would do for an authentic laksa, it is just one of those things that I simply cannot ever find in the UK. The word 'laksa' however has somehow crept into British vocabulary and is loosely defined as some kind of South-East Asian curry. I have even found a 'chicken laksa sandwich' at my local supermarket (which of course, tasted nothing like the original laksa). Any Singaporean who tastes a laksa in the UK would surely turn around and say, "well that's not a laksa. It doesn't smell like one, doesn't taste like one, the ingredients are just not right. It's some kind of curry, but a laksa it is not. We have a very clear definition of what a laksa is in Singapore, You can't just label any old curry dish a laksa, it's not the same thing."

Chicken Laksa sandwich?!

So let's go back to the word gentleman, what does it mean? Let's look at a few key features of the gentleman.

1. Gentlemanly conduct: this generally refers to good manners, chivalry and good behaviour.
2. Of relative wealth and position: this originated back in the 11th century when the landed gentry in England were first described as 'gentlemen' - thereafter the phrase has always been associated with those who do have money and rarely ever with those who are poor. 
3. A certain lavish lifestyle which includes dressing well, having fine taste in wine, clothes and other luxuries and generally living well: this comes with being of a privileged position of wealth (see point 2). 
4. A certain degree of refinement, acting in a cultured manner, being highly knowledgeable and educated - a gentleman was supposed to be very well educated, this differentiated him from the poorer man whose family would not be able to pay for an expensive education. 

I do have a problem with the phrase of course as it is sexist - it clearly excludes women even if they do fulfill all three of the criteria above. But of course, European society was very sexist until after WW2 and the gender neutral term 'gentleperson' hasn't really taken off whilst the term 'gentleman' still remains very much a masculine term. We really need a gender-neutral equivalent for this term. Another modern usage of gentleman- is as a prefix to another term to imply that a man has sufficient wealth and free time to pursue an area of interest without depending on it for his livelihood. Examples include gentleman scientist, gentleman farmer, gentleman architect and gentleman pirate.

So one of the common objections raised by Singaporeans on ST's Facebook page which featured the photo of these six 'gentleman' is that they can dress in shorts, T-shirt and slippers but still be a gentleman as long as they are gentlemanly in their conduct. Is this possible? Allow me to discuss this today. Here's the simple answer: you're asking the wrong question. It is not about fashion but about the effects of your actions on those around you.  A true gentleman would always be considerate and place the needs of the people he is with before his own needs. A selfish person would be thinking only of his own needs, his own comfort and his own preferences whilst ignoring how his choices may impact on those around him. Thus it is necessary to look at the social context in each case before rushing to judgement. Let me to give you a few case studies within the context of Singapore to explain this. 

When I worked in Singapore in 2011, I was always immaculately dressed in suit and tie because I was dealing with the expatriate community who had higher expectations of my business attire than the local Singaporeans. I like dressing up, I love having fun with fashion. Back then, my late grandmother was still alive and I would always change before going to visit her. You see, towards the end of her life, she wasn't herself anymore, her memory was fading and she was very easily confused. And in her last few years, she became quite senile as well. She remembered me as a child, as a student at school, she has forgotten that many years had passed and that I had grown up to become an adult. She used to take care of me when I was very young and I love my late grandmother most dearly. I would always make sure I was dressed in short and T-shirt when I visited her - I would even go as far as to make sure I always wore my glasses instead of my contacts, as she would find it easier to recognize and remember me with my glasses on.

The sight of a man in a tie frightened my frail old grandmother.

My grandmother had grown to associate English-speaking men who wore ties with doctors - well, she was an illiterate housewife who never had anything to do with the business world, thus the only tie-wearing men who spoke English in front of her that she would come across were doctors. I remember once a cousin turned up after work wearing a tie and he spoke to the rest of us in English. The first thing my grandmother nervously said was, "gwa mai puhk tsum." (I don't want an injection.) So as a gentleman, I made sure I put the needs of my grandmother ahead of my vanity. Now I would never speak a word of English or Mandarin in front of my late grandmother and would rather struggle on in a mix of Hokkien and Malay.  I didn't care how geeky I looked with my glasses or how much extra time I had to spend getting changed before visiting her - I put her needs first and I didn't care what others thought of me if they saw how badly dressed I looked when I visited her. If I had been too inconsiderate to think about my grandmother's needs before visiting her, then no matter how elegant and smart my business attire may look, my behaviour would still be extremely ungentlemanly if turning up in a tie meant causing her distress by resembling a doctor.

So during that period in 2011, working in Singapore back then gave me some time to spend with my family which is rare, given that I had lived away from Singapore since 1997 and that stint in Singapore turned out to be only 6 months long. I enjoyed spending time with my father and sometimes we would meet for a meal. I know my father hates dressing up and as a primary school teacher, he was able to spend his entire working life in a very dressed-down environment. I would make sure that I didn't make my father feel under-dressed when we went out for meals - thus that meant not only matching my father in being casually dressed but also making sure we picked the kinds of places where he would feel comfortable in. So I avoided the posh restaurants in town and chose more local eateries in Ang Mo Kio that he was familiar with - I may have looked utterly disgraceful in my shorts and T-shirt, sweating so much in the tropical heat, but I didn't mind because I had put the needs of my father before mine. If I had dragged him to some posh air-conditioned restaurant in town, the amount of discomfort inflicted on my father would have made me very ungentlemanly indeed, regardless of how posh I may have looked or how expensive the restaurant may have been.

My father enjoyed down-to-earth local Singaporean food.

Hence as you can see, a true gentleman is a considerate person but it can work in the other direction. Imagine if my boss' daughter is getting married this summer and my boss invites me to the wedding of his daughter. Then a few days before the wedding, a heat wave strikes London and the temperatures soars up to 38.5 degrees - which incidentally is the hottest temperature ever recorded in the UK. Do I turn up to my boss' daughter's wedding in shorts, singlet and slippers because it is just so bloody hot? Or do I wear a smart suit and tie to the weather, despite the fact that it is extremely hot and uncomfortable to be dressed like that? What would you do? Well, the gentleman would reply, "it depends on what my boss expects me to do - it is his daughter's big day, I don't want to ruin it by appearing disrespectful by turning up inappropriately dressed. It is an honour to be invited to be a part of the occasion and I will do whatever it takes to make sure my boss and his daughter have a great day regardless of the weather." The selfish sod would say, "Alamak, it is 38.5 degrees, are you mad? It is so bloody hot, how can anyone dress up in this weather? No way I am wearing a suit when it is this hot, I don't give a shit what anyone thinks."

So you see, there's isn't a straight forward answer to whether or not you can be dressed in shorts and T-shirt and still be a gentleman - so much of it depends on the context. There is actually quite a big difference between simply being polite and being a gentleman. Anyone can be polite but being a gentleman is so much more than being polite. But here's the part you may find controversial - in the first two examples (that of my late grandmother and my father), it was easy for me to dress down in Singapore. But what if you had to go the other direction, what if you had to dress up for your boss' daughter's wedding - would you have the right clothes in your wardrobe to turn up suitably dressed? (And if you didn't already have the right clothes, do you have enough money to go buy something appropriate for the occasion?) And what if your boss is such a high class gentleman that his daughter has married a very famous European prince and that the wedding event is going to be so lavish that you're expected to turn up in a morning suit.

Limpeh on a beach in shorts - dressed for the weather!

You see, a true gentleman would put the needs of others before him - and of course, he would also realize that if he cannot fulfill the dress code as stated on the invitation, then he really shouldn't turn up at the wedding. A selfish sod who turns up inappropriately dressed would only cause a lot of unpleasantness and embarrassment for the hosts, especially if even the waiters at the wedding are better dressed. The selfish sod would say, "well screw everyone else, I don't give a shit about anyone else but myself: if you really want me to be at your wedding, then damnit you should welcome me regardless of what I wear on the day. And if you have a problem with that, then screw you, you should not have invited me then" The considerate gentleman would say, "it is your wedding, not mine; it is your special day, it is not for me to tell you what you should or should not do on your wedding. If you would like me to dress up, then I will do so because I want you to have the wedding of your dreams and I will not ruin it for you by being inconsiderate."

So you see, a true gentleman will be able to mix equally comfortably with prince or pauper, because he is always able to put the needs of others before his own. This is why it is a genuine pleasure to socialize with a true gentleman, because he is always so considerate to your needs. Depending on what your lifestyle is like, you may find it more comfortable to socialize with either someone more like a prince or more like a pauper - the true mark of a gentleman is whether or not he is willing to go out of his comfort zone just to make the other person(s) happy. In the case of Singaporean men,many of them will be unwilling to dress up even if the occasion required them to - this is because they are not gentlemen who are willing to put the needs of others first, all they can think about are probably issues like, "I don't want to spend so much money on a suit that I will rarely ever wear",  or "I don't feel comfortable in the clothes they expect me to wear." Oh Singaporean men will give you a thousand and one excuses why they don't want to dress up formally, that is why these six guys are actually a breath of fresh air (despite their rather odd dress sense).

Thus you're not going to like what I am going to say next: most Singaporean men have never attended an extremely posh event where there is a very strict dress code. And no, going to your cousin's wedding at some nice hotel doesn't count as there is no strict dress code for your cousin's wedding. This is mostly to do with Singapore's culture - the concept of social classes simply isn't as dominant in Singapore as it is in a country like the UK. So if you live in Ang Mo Kio, work in Ang Mo Kio and deal with people from Ang Mo Kio on a daily basis, then you don't need to have the social graces or attire to be able to entertain European royalty - you can be perfectly well-liked, well-behaved and have all the social skills necessary for you to get by in Ang Mo Kio, but sorry, that does not make you a gentleman. Therein lies the difference between a gentleman and someone who is merely polite - being a gentleman is so much more than being polite or having good manners. You need to have a whole arsenal of social skills, knowledge of etiquette and the ability to get along with everyone including people who are far more atas than your average folks in Ang Mo Kio.

So here's an example: recently there was a royal wedding in Swedish and it was a huge social occasion that was extremely formal. Let's imagine that I have invited you for the wedding and let's take the dress code out of the equation (let's say I bought you everything you needed to wear to look perfect for the occasion). You get to the dinner banquet and the place is absolutely stunning. You are seated down next to a mix of minor royalties from around Europe, American billionaires and A-list showbiz celebrities. The very elegant older lady sitting next to you turns to you and says, "Hello, how are you? I'm Elena." Turns out that she is the wife of one of the richest men in Europe and she is a distant cousin of the Swedish prince who got married. Would you be tongue tied and nervous, speaking to Elena? Or would you have the social skills and etiquette to find some kind of common ground with her and have a lovely conversation with her? Would you be able to leave her with a favourable impression? What if say she started talking about skiing - would you be able to indulge her? Would you be able to engage her confidently as an intellectual equal?

If you are at least somewhat nervous about this encounter with Elena, then congratulations: that means you're a gentleman because you do care about her experience: you are thinking about the encounter from her point of view and you want to make sure that she enjoys the conversation with you. However, that is just a good start: whether or not you can give Elena a good impression is the ultimate acid test whether or not you are truly a gentleman or not. If you were to simply turn around and say, I don't care what this rich bitch thinks, I am whom I am and if she doesn't like me, tough shit - then that's being rather selfish and ungentlemanly. After all, Elena was simply being friendly in making polite conversation with you since she happened to be sitting next to you, it would only be gentlemanly to try to reciprocate by making an effort to engage her in a way that would give her a pleasant experience talking to you.

I know some of you may turn around at this stage and say, "woah, why do you expect me to make all the effort? Why can't Elena make any effort to try to make sure I enjoy talking to her?" Indeed, any kind of social interaction between two people (be it a simple conversation, a business meeting or even sex) is a lot more pleasant and enjoyable when both parties are willing to make an effort to accommodate the needs of the other party. Imagine trying to talk to someone who is showing zero interest in you and is not willing to make any effort to listen to you during the conversation. Now imagine trying to have sex with someone who just lies there and expects you to do all the hard work (and to add insult to injury, s/he has picked up his/her mobile phone and is playing Candy Crush on his/her mobile phone whilst you're trying your very best). In an ideal world of course, both parties should make an effort when it comes to any kind of social interaction for it to work, but a gentleman would always be prepared to make an effort and should never expect the other party to do all the hard work to please him. You wanted to be a gentleman, didn't you?

What is the key to successful social interaction?

So in conclusion, can you be a gentleman within only your social context? I guess you could, the chances of any of us being invited to a royal banquet is probably quite low (but may I point out, Ivan Heng and his husband actually did get that invite), so by all means, please be a gentleman where you are and so for some of you,  that means being gentlemanly to the people to interact with on a daily basis in somewhere like Ang Mo Kio. But if you really aspire to be a true gentleman (the way those six guys from 'The Gentleman's Pride' do), then it goes a lot beyond just having nice clothes. It is about having not just the right attire, but the knowledge and social skills to get along with everyone from prince to pauper. So when it comes to fashion, it is all about wearing the right clothes for the company you keep - not just wearing nice clothes per se: the difference is actually far less subtle than you think. It is one thing to wear clothes that you like, it is quite another to wear something (that you may or may not like) just to please and impress the company that you keep. Such is the difference between being a egotistic fashionista and a considerate gentleman.

That's it from me on this topic. What do you think about the concept of being a modern gentleman? Would you like to be a gentleman? What do you expect of a gentleman? Have you ever met a true gentleman who has well and truly impressed you? Let me know what you think about the issue, do leave a comment below. Many thanks for reading.