Nonetheless, I don't think we should demonize the internet the same way parents went out of their ways in the 1980s to demonize shopping malls and McDonald's. Back in the 1980s in Singapore, parents were paranoid about their children either becoming "McDonald's kids" or "Centrepoint kids". Centrepoint is one of the older shopping malls in Singapore which was built in 1983 and the first McDonald's outlet in Singapore opened in 1979. Teenagers started hanging around these malls and fast food restaurants instead of going home directly after school - this created a moral panic in Singapore back in the early to mid 1980s, with some parents demanding that teenagers in school uniform be barred from entering such establishments unless accompanied by an adult. Note how parents choose to demonize and blame an external influence back then and refused to question if they were the very reasons why their children would rather hang out in McDonald's after school rather than returning home. By the same token, why are people blaming "the internet" for these schoolgirls running away to Syria, rather than questioning their parents about their parenting methods? Why are parents so quick to blame an external influence, as if to deflect attention from any wrongdoing on their part? Why are parents allowed to get away with this, who will ultimately hold parents to account?
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| Why do parents deflect blame from themselves? |
There needs to be an element of mutual trust and respect for any kind of meaningful relationship between a parent and a child. Teenagers can be extremely good at hiding information from one's parents - after all, it is ludicrous to expect a parent to monitor every single aspect of their children's lives: from the friends they have at school to the websites they visit and their activities on social media. Parent should be able to trust their children enough not to have to monitor every aspect of their lives. We need to apply some common sense to the situation here. Children should not be treated with suspicion and be subjected to all manners of surveillance as if they were criminals. Rather, if children start to feel frustrated, confused or insecure, they should feel that they could turn to their parents for guidance and help - but for that to happen, they have to respect and trust their parents in the first place.
I remember talking about this with regards to Malaysian porn star Vivian Lee - her parents were totally shocked when they realized that she had become Malaysia's most notorious porn star. Here's way most parents go wrong: when the children are very young, parents can exercise great control over their children. They can control every aspect of the child's life when the child is a toddler. Then as the child gets older, the child is increasingly subject to external influences through friends at school, through education, through the media and the internet: the amount of influence parents can exert on their child falls quickly after the child becomes a teenager. The parents of a typical 15 year old teenager has to compete with so many different sources of ideas and influences in order to have an impact on their children - my parents certainly had no power whatsoever to influence me at that age and clearly, in the case of the teenage schoolgirls who ran away to Syria, they clearly didn't care about how their parents felt and were more than prepared to abandon their parents for good - that speaks volumes about the quality of their parent-child relationships.
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| Not all children agree with their parents. |
Is this an ego problem on the part of parents? Why do they assume that, "oh of course my children are always going to do as I tell them to and they will always listen to me - my house, my rules"? Are they so blind to the fact that their children may respect their role models and idols far more than their parents? Why do they automatically assume that their children do respect their parents to even take them seriously? Especially in this day and age, with this generation of children who have grown up with the internet, parents have to be aware of what their children are being exposed to on the internet. Or is it the problem that some parents are quite ignorant of what the powers of the internet, especially if they are not actively participating in social media like young people these days? Or is it as I suspect, a double dose of both ego and ignorance on the part of parents?
There is a vital point when a child turns into a teenager - this is when the child starts thinking like an adult and whilst this metamorphosis from a child to an adult is a process that takes many years, parents have a choice either to embrace the chance that is happening and allow their relationship to evolve or if they refuse to treat their grown children like adults - well, then they are simply going to alienate their own children. I was appalled when my father once uttered the words, "我们大人的事,你们小孩子不会明白" (you young children will not understand the affairs of us adults) - guess how old I was when he said those words? I was 35. Despite the fact that I am far more educated and worldly wise than my father, he still hasn't gotten over the fact that I am no longer a child in primary school. I'm so old I'm going bald for crying out aloud. Can someone please remind him it is no longer 1985? I am not interested in that kind of parent-child relationship, no thank you. If my father wants to have a relationship with me, then he needs to get to know the person I am in 2015. The regular readers of my blog will know me much better than my own parents.
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| 我们大人的事,你们小孩子不会明白 |
This is where I feel Asian culture has totally got it wrong and you know what the worst part is? Asian people themselves don't question how wrong their culture can be. In Chinese culture, we're always told to respect our parents - like you don't even question if the parents are setting a good example for their kids or if they are worthy of respect at all, you're just meant to offer that respect unconditionally. That is just so totally wrong because it doesn't work like that in the real world. In an ideal world, yeah the parents would be great role models for their kids and the children will love and respect their parents. And often, Asian children often do just that - but because they offer this respect unconditionally, then Asian parents have no incentive to do anything to try to win that respect from their children. But can you remember this basic principle: respect is earned, not demanded. If you offer respect unconditionally, how genuine is that respect you are offering, if it has not been earned?
I was appalled when I heard that the parents of the British teenagers who went to Syria had absolutely no idea that their children had been radicalized - but then again, it doesn't surprise me at all. If you knew your children well, if you communicated with your children, if you understood your children, then you wouldn't find yourself in such a situation. Why are they blaming everyone from the internet to the government when really, the buck should stop with the parents. Your kids, your responsibility - if it is not the responsibility of the parents to care for their children, when who is responsible then? If you're not prepared to take that responsibility seriously, then you really shouldn't be a parent. I'm not singling them out because they're Muslim - this is a problem that affects so many modern parents. Not every parent bothers to establish a meaningful relationship with their children and communicate properly with them.
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| Do your parents know how to reach out to you? |
I had gone through a very similar experience as well myself. Now I'm not Muslim but my experience in hiding something from my parents as a teenager was similar. I am gay and knew I was definitely gay from 12 or so. As a teenager, I didn't want to upset my parents. I didn't want them to know as I knew they couldn't do anything about it and more to the point, I felt that this was my business, it was my life. Whom I wanted to have sex with or fall in love with has nothing to do with my parents, so why should I tell them when all it would do was upset them? What could that achieve, what was the point? So no, I kept it from my parents and it was not like I was that good at hiding secrets from my parents, but the fact that they showed so little interest in what the hell I got up to meant that even if the fact that their son was a screaming homosexual in the making, well believe it or not, they just plain didn't notice. When I finally did come out to my family, my mother was genuinely shocked. My sisters were like, "yeah of course you're gay, we knew all along, since you were very young, come on lah. If you had actually come home with a girlfriend and claimed you wanted to marry her, then I would be totally shocked. You would have had to come out as straight to us." But there you go, that only proved that at least my sisters got to know me well - in a way my parents never bothered to.
Being typical Chinese parents, they were only interested in one thing: my grades. And thankfully, I performed pretty well at school: not only was I a straight-A student, I was a triple scholar and at least in that department, they had nothing to worry about. So that's the problem with Chinese parents you see - they put so much emphasis on academic performance that they become totally blind to everything else. Ironically, the three British teenagers who ran away to Syria were also straight-A students as well. My parents didn't really pay any attention to whom my friends were or what I was interested in. If you had asked them what TV programme or music I liked, what inspired me, what my goals and ambitions were or whom I felt closest to, you would probably get a blank stare then a bad guess. They were simply not interested and they are still not interested. I had a pretty rude shock when I realized just how disinterested they were on my last visit to Singapore when my mother couldn't even describe to a relative what job I did in the UK. That's right, she made a wild guess and was totally wide of the mark. My readers know me much better than my own parents.
One thing that I always encountered when talking about my parents with my two sisters is this: they would plead with me, "please try to see things from their point of view, please try to understand their culture and their mindset, please try to be understanding and accommodating." And there's a part of me that thinks, "great, how about them trying for once to see things from my point of view or understand my mindset then? Or at least can we try to meet in the middle?" No, my parents have made zero effort to try to bridge that gulf and given that I have lived in Europe for 18 years now, the standard of my Mandarin has deteriorated a lot over the years and it is now my third language after English and French. I find it hard even to speak to my father these days since he insists on speaking Mandarin and I can't even find the right words to express my thoughts in Mandarin. We're like strangers now. I do wonder what is the point of having children if you are going to take so little interest in them - can anyone kindly explain this to me please?
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| I have very mixed emotions on the issue of my parents. |
So parents, do make an effort to get to know your children. You never know, you may actually become friends as well as they become adults. Otherwise, the alternative is that they will become strangers. Many thanks for reading.
"Asian people themselves don't question how wrong their culture can be. In Chinese culture, we're always told to respect our parents - like you don't even question if the parents are setting a good example for their kids or if they are worthy of respect at all, you're just meant to offer that respect unconditionally."
ReplyDeleteIt goes further than parents, Alex. It is how we were governed. I don't mean to digress, and it is somehow relevant, I promise: since LKY is dying and on his way out of earthly life, I see many fb posts about how Singaporeans owe him so much, Without LKY, Singapore would be in total chaos and third world, blah, blah, blah. These people who post such rubbish are your average Singaporeans from all walks of life. Yet, they all think that they needed LKY's paternal guidance all these years. Unquestioningly, they feel they would be poor and desperate had it not been for the tight reins of the LKY regime. They have been indoctrinated not to think for themselves but to allow authority to guide them. Similarly, Asian parents rule by, "it's my house, my rule, do not challenge my authority." There is no mutual respect between parent and child. No communication. Had there been communication, Vivian Lee's parents would have known of her sexual activities. One does not wake up and decide to become a porn star that afternoon. Those girls did not wake up one morning and decided to join ISIS just for kicks. When control at the reins loosens as it does when your child reaches teenage years and young adulthood, all you have left is the hope that you have imparted your wisdom and reason to your child so that he/she is capable of making wise decisions. Granted people will make mistakes. It is a part of growing up. They may spend too much money, make a wrong career move, choose a wrong life-partner, etc. However, turning to porn or joining ISIS? Those are not mistakes. Those are symptomatic of larger issues. Yes, I certainly blame the parents.
Hi Di. I think you've hit the nail on the head with LKY - there is a certain reverence for LKY in S'pore and I can accept that the older generation have seen significant changes in their lifetimes to have that feeling, people like my mother lived in poverty in the 1950s and LKY was instrumental in a lot of changes she experienced in her lifetime. However, what I don't like is the way these people don't like their opinions challenged; they have this knee-jerk reaction and start putting up objections even if the other may have very valid points to make about the issue.
DeleteYou're totally right about one does not wake up one morning and decide to become a porn star or run away to Syria on a whim - these desires take an awfully long time to develop and if it happened on the parents' watch, then shame on the parents for not having been observant enough to recognize the change in their children. How blind can you be to the change in your children especially when they are living in the same house as you?
Hi LIFT, Another great piece on parenting, thank you! I have a question about giving money to a child. Mine is in Sec4, has never had a part time job and I give him $40 a week, which he is able to make do with so far.
ReplyDeleteThe problem is when he asks for extra for certain activities that I disapprove of, such as gaming with friends in the shopping mall, which can take up the whole afternoon and he ends up coming home late at night. Sometimes it goes on for an entire week! Once he didnt come home at all, as he said he was tired and wanted to bunk at his friend's place.
Like you say, at that age its hard to dictate what a kid should or shouldnt do. How effective would it be to just refuse to give him the extra cash in order to force him to stay at home? Thanks again.
Hmmmm. You have presented me with a tough situation with no easy solution.
DeleteHaving been a fan of computer games when I was much younger, I know how addictive they can be. I am always puzzled at how Asian parents are so paranoid about their children having relationships but are willing to let them spend hours on the X-box or Playstation - like hello? Are they oblivious to the way computer games can be a serious addiction?
At 16, I think it is unacceptable for him simply not to come home after he had been playing computer games all day and night. At the very least, he should have informed you and obtained your permission to do so - so you wouldn't be worried about why he didn't come home.
I don't think it is a question of forcing him to stay at home via blackmail or withdrawing money/meals/privileges - there needs to be a mutual understanding and you need to sit down with him and talk to him about these compuer games and how they are affecting his behaviour. In order to do that, you need to gain his respect in the first place and this is the hard part: you need to show some knowledge (if not interest) in his world: you need to know your Minecraft from GTA to Skyrim to Warcraft. The crux of the issue is this: he needs to get a decent education so that he can get a good job and support himself in the future - daddy is not going to support him as an unemployed adult who stays home and plays these games all day and night. Oh no, daddy expects him to fulfill his potential and develop as an adult but these games can be holding him back.
I'm afraid you're up against a formidable opponent: the gaming industry is as huge as it is because these games quite frankly, are awesome and billions of dollars are invested to make these games as pleasurable, fun and addictive as possible. This could be highly disruptive for your son in his O level year and it could really jeapordize his future if he totally loses focus.
I would try a good cop bad cop approach - the good cop would speak to him nicely and understand his world and try to make him see there is virtually no correlation between his long term goals and spending hours on these games - establish a rapport with him, understand why he is turning to these games instead of spending time with real people in his life like his family and peers (is he running from something?) I hate to say this, but geeks who are addicted to computer games often have problems making real friends because they find computer game characters easier to deal with than real people - so there may be many other factors with his social life that you need to uncover to understand his current behaviour.
The bad cop would be the one who has to put his foot down, withdraw the allowance, change the Wifi password, withdraw his mobile phone and make him feel pain for crossing the line. HOWEVER, my mother used to slap me around out of frustration and vented her anger on me, I had no idea where the line was and it was a moving goal post. Your bad cop has got to be clear where the line is and only inflict pain when the line is clearly crossed. When your son stays on the right side of the line, then the bad cop goes away and the good cop comes out. Be clear about your boundaries and what the consequences are - put it in writing if necessary so that your son knows that Mr Bad Cop is serious when he makes threats.
Good luck to you my friend.
Think of it this way either you give you kids the money the want to do they stuff they want to do or they would find a way to get it on their own by doing illegal stuff or turning to prostitution for females. Either that or get them a kickass gaming system so that they will always stay home to game and probably even invite their friends over. This way you can always keep a lookout for them and control their spending.
DeleteHmmmm. I'm afraid I don't quite agree with Choaniki here - firstly, it's not that easy to turn to prostitution. Good looking people don't pay for sex - only ugly ones do and prostitutes have to service fat, old, flabby ugly clients for money. It's a pretty nasty job. If you're really desperate for money, you're more like to turn to something like shoplifting: steal something valuable from the shop and then sell it for money. That's far less painful than getting into bed with someone older than your father and far uglier.
DeleteFurthermore, I believe that kids need to learn that they cannot get something for nothing - you should come to some kind of understanding with your child, set goals and say, "if you can do well in your exams, I will buy you this in return." No child should hold his/her parents to ransom by claiming, "if you don't buy me this expensive computer games, then I will be selling myself and turning tricks in Geylang." Hell no. Offer children the privilege they crave but strictly on YOUR terms and NEVER theirs.
Furthermore, we have to look at the deeper issues here - why is your son so hard to control? Have you reached out to him to establish rapport and mutual respect? Can you win his trust? These are issues that we need to understand, rather than looking at solutions without uncovering the underlying circumstances.
Guys, thanks for all your advice. It is true I dont dare to refuse my son money, not because Im afraid he would go prostitute himself, but because I dont want him to end up "borrowing" from friends.
DeleteAnother thing is, he does have Playstation at home, but he prefers to hang out at video arcades, I dunno maybe its the atmosphere & presence of other teenagers so he can show off his skills.
And LIFT you sounded so alarmed that he's in Sec4 oredy. But actually he's not doing O-levels this year, he's doing N-levels. Which is supposedly less rigorous & demanding.
I did try to get him into Express Stream when he was in lower sec, but he didnt want (maybe also cannot).
Anyway, really appreciate both your feedback, & I'll try this good cop / bad cop / communication method. Thanks!!
At 16, the mutual rapport and respect is not going to happen over night. However, you can have a heart to heart. He may appear defensive, but it will eventually sink in. Tell him your aim is not that he should lead a boring life. Rather, you want him to succeed in life. Come up with other rewards should he do well at school. Does he want to try surfing? I was googling for things to do when I visit, and I came across a surfing school in Singapore. Not too expensive either. How about guitar lessons? How about photography? Video games classes where they teach you to create games? Rock-climbing? Ice-skating? A part-time job? I don't know how common it is for high school kids to have jobs, but it's very common in North America. Going to the mall on a school day is just not an option. Does he hate being at home? Why? Is he having problems with doing his school work, and so he tries to escape? Like Alex said, you need to unravel the issues. Tell him you are on his side, Win his trust. Parenting is extremely hard work. Good luck.
DeleteI think Di has the best advice here so far - and that is because she is a mother herself and a very good one at that!
DeleteI can only try my best to try to find out what the best approach is, but with the limited information that I have, it is going to be tricky at best. But I think Di has hit the nail on the head - I am extremely skeptical about people who say, "oh but the gaming industry is huge", yeah you don't become a chocolate tycoon by eating ten bars of chocolate a day, nor do you become the CEO of a gaming giant by playing angry birds all day. I am going to be realistic and draw the difference between spending ages playing a game and actually involved in a course where they teach you how to create games. In the UK, we call those 'code clubs' - where students learn the basics about coding and some of these kids can go real far; the problem is that coding is not covered in our conventional education system and the adults in charge are still too slow to make coding as important as maths and physics despite the way the internet has dominated our lives in 2015.
Have a look at these: http://www.ikompass.edu.sg/trainings/web-development-coding-singapore/ and http://www.intellisoft.com.sg/C-Programming-Training-Singapore.html as well as https://singapore.digipen.edu/workshops/intro-to-2d-video-game-programming-level-1/ and http://saturdaykids.sg/
As for the social aspect of having peers to play games with... Hmmm, I hate to jump to conclusions based on what little info you have offered, but as teenagers, they will always search for a sense of belonging and once he has found a group of friends he can get along with, there is a tendency to want to stay with them if they are good to him. That means they will have a lot of influence over him. Only a teenager with a lot of self-esteem will be able to have a more independent mindset when it comes to this issue and be willing and able to limit the influence of his/her peers (but that also means limiting the influence of his/her parents) - so that's a double edged sword you're dealing with her.
I stumbled upon a very extreme story here: http://metro.co.uk/2015/03/21/girl-12-tried-to-poison-mother-twice-after-her-iphone-was-taken-away-5115047/ That's what happens when you don't take control of the situation soon enough and your children love their computer games and iPhones more than their parents. Look, I don't have a simple solution and I tend to believe that nothing beats a loving relationship between parent and child and that Di's idea of steering children away from technology towards more healthy activities like sports is probably the best idea so far.
DeleteHi Limpeh
DeleteI can't help but draw attention to something you mentioned.
"daddy is not going to support him as an unemployed adult who stays home and plays these games all day and night."
In recent years I've noticed an emerging trend of celebrity gamers on twitch.tv who do nothing but play games for most of the day, every day, and some who earn a decent living only doing this. From what I gather, they make money through growing their paid subscriber base, ads and donations. If they're popular or lucky enough, they get sponsors too, very much like how bloggers today function.
I think if one is passionate and good enough at the games he enjoys, and/or he has a colorful personality (much like bloggers these days), he can make a decent living. Of course, if he is totally average and/or apprehensive about his abilities, the tried-and-true path of scholastic pursuits is probably the only way on. Or he could do both concurrently.
Of course, there is the saying: 三百六十行，行行出状元 - but then again, how many of the gamers you know will actully end up becoming celebrity gamers and can actually make a living from gaming full time? Never mind becoming a celebrity, how many gamers can actually make any kind of income from their gaming activities?
DeleteI have yet another saying for you: 守株待兔 - I fear so many young people may fall into the same trap. If this kid thinks, oh screw studying hard, I can become a celebrity gamer like those I see on twitch.tv so I can neglect my studies and just play computer games all day and become like them. Just because someone has been able to strike fortune this way I am going to try my luck and hope for the best - what are the odds?
Oh and sorry for all the Chinese sayings. If you don't speak Chinese, I am happy to translate them for you.
I understand you very well, Limpeh. Obviously not everyone can become celebrities. Just putting it out there that if one was good enough, there are others who have succeeded before him. I think if he really wanted it that bad, he could do both concurrently. Many of these gamers stumble into this by fluke. One day they realized they were earning more a day than what they usually earn a week out working. Taking all or nothing approaches to life can land you in pretty painful situations. I definitely think doing well in school is the best start to adult life you can have as a young person.
DeleteHi Dood, let me bring it down to earth with another analogy please.
DeleteWhen I was younger, I excelled at gymnastics - former national team and national champion back in the 1990s. It drove my parents nuts that I was spending as much time training gymnastics as I did studying because they were so worried I would neglect my studies. What could I say to my parents to justify the time I spent doing sports instead of studying then?
I could claim that some celebrity gymnasts became so famous, they are now millionaires doing product endorsements and they are paid thousands just to show up as a VIP at an event. People like Nadia Comaneci, Mary Lou Retton and Nastia Liukin have that kind of gymnastics celebrity status. But wait, hang on, they are all Olympic gold medalists as well. So in order to attain that kind of status, I would have to win an Olympic gold medal as well - now what were the chances of that happening eh?
I actually do know a British gymnast Lisa Mason who competed in the 2000 Beijing Olympics and finished a very respectable 9th place. (She was the top British gymnast at that Olympics.) And guess what? She is making a modest but decent living as a gymnastics coach in a small gymnastics club in Milton Keynes today. No multi-million dollar product endorsement deals because no one really cared about her 9th place finish in Beijing I'm afraid.
So if Lisa Mason couldn't enjoy the celebrity high life from her gymnastics success, what hope did I have - given that I never even made it to the Olympics?
Allow me to state the obvious - if you want to be a celebrity gamer, you don't just stumble into it, there is another precondition: you have to be extremely good at what you do, it would be delivering the kind of gaming performance that would tantamount to an athlete winning and Olympic gold medal. Even if you were very good and delivered a performance that was worthy of say a 9th place finish at the Olympics, would people wanna endorse you and sponsor you? No.
Let me be even more blunt now: what are the chances of Mr Chin Lam Toh's son being such a brilliant gamer (we're talking Olympic gold medal standard) that he can get sponsorship? Dream on lah, one in a million at best. If he doesn't study hard, the best he can hope for is to get a job as a shop assistant in a computer games shop. Then he would be the guy behind the counter saying, "hello, can I help you? What game are you looking for? Oh we don't have that yet, we are hoping to receive that shipment next week."
Get real. Reality bites.
Hi Alex, I wouldn't say that the parents were passively expecting that their authority and respect were to be unconditionally given. I think the reasons why the parnets were shocked and started blaming everything external has to do with instinctive denial. They are not prepared to accept the reality and don't really want to hear what they don't like to hear. Trust me, I have experienced all these often enough both in my personal life and also at work. And if you happen to be the messenger that conveyed the unwelcome reality, ouch. Made that huge mistake in telling some real stuff to an ex boss and got shouted back in return and absolutely no apology whatsoever after. It is tough but sometimes, we just got to accept that some folks prefer to live in their denial world and will rather not be dragged kicking and screaming to face the reality mirror.
ReplyDeleteFYI - off to france and Belgium again next month. Yoohoo. My much needed escape from Sg lol.
Hello Shane.
DeleteThanks for your insightful comment and that actually makes a lot of sense. I can totally relate to what you said about that kind of crap happening at work too.
And I've done plenty of travel writing on both France and Belgium - do check them out and let me know if you have any questions planning your trip. Bon voyage.
Hi Alex, thanks for the tips. I pretty much tend to just travel and lead a very mundane daily existence when travelling to Europe rather than to go sightseeing. I rather enjoy my agenda free day just wondering and bumming around, going to the market to buy cooking ingredients. Dropping into a cafe or a bookshop and sometimes just chatting up folks in atrocious French until they will rather switch to English while I continue making bad attempts to destroy the local lingua franca!
DeleteEssentially, just living in a new place that is a bit more chaotic, dirtier and where people are more alive and involved. Its weird but some of the things I have on my head for this trip is strolling the st martin canal, tombstone hunting at pere lachaise (Edith Piaf? Hugo?) and perhaps a drop in to Belleville's flea market.
You have such an interesting blog. Thanks for sharing, I enjoyed reading your posts. All the best for your future blogging journey.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your kind comment.
DeleteDo share your thoughts on ISIS
ReplyDeleteIronically, I have been working on a piece talking about terrorism and I do cover ISIS in it. It should be ready very soon, probably my next piece, so please give me a few hours. Thanks!!
Deletehey there, no offense, but my inner voice calls on me to disagree with you because of a very personal and painful issue. i don't think that it's always the parents' fault (I am not a parent but I've witnessed my parents getting hurt). No matter how caring the parents are, how thoughtful, how loving, how much they genuinely respect their child, the child can still be rebellious and for some god knows what reason not listen to them and intentionally hide things from them. I respect your opinion but I also hope to say that it isn't always the case, even if my case is completely isolated and unrelatable.
ReplyDelete