Is it hard to work with people from other countries?

Hi there guys, I am starting a new series on my blog which was an idea I had whilst writing my last post but I felt it had potential to be developed into a whole series. So in my last post, I complained that my parents never ever made any effort to get to know me, especially as an adult. As I grew up and matured from a teenager into a working adult, I grew up a lot - I learnt a lot through my experiences and had the benefit of an excellent education in Singapore, the UK and France. I have also had the opportunity to work in many different countries over the years and I believe that has given me a lot of insight into issues that my parents would never understand as they never had the kind of opportunities that I've had. I don't mean any disrespect to my parents but if you had a son who has learnt this much about the world, surely you would want to chat to him about it and ask a few questions about what he has learnt? Even if it is just out of curiosity, wouldn't you be curious how your son is getting on as an adult? Heck, I'm 48 now and those questions just never came. I reflect upon my father's attitude when my mother suggested that my nephew take piano's lessons, my father said something like, why bother, he is just not interested, you can't force him to be interested. I think the same principle applies to my parents - if they are just not interested in what I get up to, I can't force them either. But in this series, I want to answer a few questions I wished my parents had asked me and so I can share what I have learnt. The first theme I want to address is this: is it scary out there working with people from all over the world? Wouldn't you be a lot less intimidated if you worked with people who are a lot more like your own family? Surely the odds are staked against you when you have to deal with people from different countries with different cultures, speaking different languages - how do you deal with that challenge? Your sister works only with people who all live locally here in Singapore, so she never has to deal with people from another country or culture, surely that is a safer way to make sure that you have an easier time at work? I don't think this is a controversial topic, but it's just an issue that Singaporeans like my parents and sister have never really had to face, so since they won't talk about this with me indulge me: please allow me to discuss this with you. 

Firstly, I want to state that I have indeed been in that kind of environment before during my army days, where the majority of the people I had to interact with were also working class Chinese Singaporeans, just like my family and that did not provide any kind of basis whatsoever for us getting along. I refute the assumption that simply having enough social background in common with your colleagues  would somehow ensure that you will get along well. People from within the same family who share the same parents, the same upbringing and have grown up together can fight amongst themselves because they are simply very different characters who don't get along - case in point, my own father has totally fallen out with his late brother and they hated each other so much that when my late uncle lay dying in a hospital in Johor Bahru my father refused to visit. That is a whole other story for another day, but goodness me, my father really hated his brother so much after what my uncle did to my father. This is because we are all unique individuals and it takes a lot more than having a common social background to bond with someone - both parties need to make a genuine effort to foster that relationship before it has a chance of flourishing and it is not something that one party can achieve unilaterally without the active participation of the other. At the risk of stating the obvious, two people will get along well when they both want to make an effort to invest in that relationship, that involves being kind, considerate, courteous, caring and generous with the other party. Conversely, if one party acts in a way that is selfish, inconsiderate, rude, disrespectful and unkind to the other party, then these two people would not get along no matter how much they may share in common when it comes to their social background - in essence, it is the quality of their behaviour that matters far more than their social background. In my army days, I had witnessed a lot of Chinese working class soldiers with identical social backgrounds behave in a really nasty manner towards each other because they simply didn't get along. So put yourself in the shoes of a soldier serving national service for a moment, you have just been assigned to a new unit and you walk into a room where you meet ten people whom you're going to have to live with, work with and spend most of your waking hours with for the next year. You say hello and introduce yourself, anxiously waiting for their reactions: would they be friendly? Would they be cold or hostile? Would they be kind to you or not? What are they thinking as they evaluate that first impression you have just given them? A lot of this will depend on their behaviour and this has little or no correlation with whether or not you'd share a common social background, nationality or first language. 

Allow me to use a simple example to illustrate how behaviour traits would determine just how well you get along with those around you and how this has virtually nothing to do with your social background. In the army, we are often given tasks to complete as a group, so let me give you a simple example. You're in a group of ten soldiers and you're told to unload 200 chairs from a lorry in the carpark and place them in the hall. One would assume that each person in the group would have to move 20 chairs to get the job done, but that's often not the case in the army. Some in the group would be lazy, they would skive off, disappear to the toilet for a mysteriously long time and try to move fewer than 20 chairs whilst others who are either stronger or simply more generous would pick up the slack and move more than 20 chairs. Your behaviour would be noticed in this kind of environment and it would affect your relationship with the rest of the group. After all, you're not paid for the task - you're certainly not paid for the number of chairs you move in that task; thus depends entirely on your attitude towards the situation. Those who skive may be thinking, I'm not paid a penny more if I tried harder so what is the point of making any effort? I may as well move as little chairs as possible to achieve the best possible outcome for me in this situation and if the others have to move my share, then too bad for them but I don't care. Those who move more than 20 chairs may be generous and give the others the benefit of the doubt, they don't mind working harder as they hope to bank some social capital with the others in the group by offering a bit of goodwill; they may or may not be rewarded for that goodwill, they may even be taken advantage of by the others. I would observe the behaviour of the people in this situation and I'd want to befriend those who moved more than 20 chairs.as I know they are far more likely to take care of me when I need help, they would become the kind of friends in the army I can rely on. There is no guarantee that someone who has a similar social background as you would carry more than 20 chairs in that situation if they turn out to be selfish in nature as there is no correlation between one's propensity to act selfishly in such a situation and whether or not this selfish person is in a socially homogeneous group. The selfish person would want to lighten his work load - that is his primary aim, that is a simple enough aim and whether or not the others in the group share a similar social background thus becomes totally irrelevant in that context, the only thing that this selfish person cares about is whether or not they can and will carry more than 20 chairs to get the job done (thus allowing him to get away with slacking). So, what I have described makes complete sense, but why are people like my parents completely blind to this then? Why do they assume that others with a similar social background will always be willing to help them? 

I know what some of you may be thinking: perhaps one might be less likely to act in a very selfish manner towards those you feel closer to, like if you have a sense of kinship based on a common social background. Well that was the assumption that my father made about his younger brother but no, my uncle didn't hesitate to stab my father in the back for personal gain because that's precisely what selfish people do. Allow me to contrast this with something that impressed me in Sri Lanka back in 2010: the inter-city bus journeys can take many hours given the poor conditions of the roads there, so it isn't uncommon for a bus to crawl along at 20 km/hr as the roads are full of potholes and the bus is stuck in a long convoy of traffic all slowly making its way through that narrow road to your destination. Once in a while, the bus would make a pit stop for the passengers to use the toilet and get a cup of tea - it is also a vital break for the drivers who may have been driving all day and really need that 15 minutes to relax a little. So when the bus made one of those pit stops, I gladly took advantage of the opportunity to go to the toilet even though that meant giving up my seat. The bus I was on was very crowded and there were some people standing, but I knew that I would rather stand for the rest of the journey than to pass up that opportunity to go to the toilet. There were no seat reservations on those Sri Lankan bus services, so imagine my surprise when I got back to the bus and the lady who was standing next to me told me to go back to my seat - I asked her in disbelief, "are you sure?" And she replied, "yes, you were sitting there, please sit down." I was so grateful but most of all, I was both shocked and impressed at the same time. That lady could have easily taken advantage of the fact that I was a foreign tourist who was unaware of their local rules and customs, so she could have sat down and I wouldn't have protested - yet it was her morals and belief system that compelled her to do the right thing. This lady was a complete stranger whom I never ever met ever again after I got off the bus in Dambulla, I had absolutely nothing in common with her when it came to our social backgrounds yet she acted with far more integrity, honesty and kindness towards me than my uncle did towards my father. Thus the moral of the story is that whether a person acts with integrity towards others is mostly contingent on their morals, values and belief system - if you are a kind and honest person, then you will behave like that towards everyone you meet, including random strangers you have only just met on the bus. But if you are a selfish person, then you would gladly stab your own family members in the back for personal gain - however, a selfish person would never suddenly become generous, even with his own friends and family. 

I have been very privileged to have worked with people from all over the world - I have former colleagues from a long list of places like Peru, Estonia, India, Brazil, France, Cote d'Ivoire, Kyrgyzstan, Germany, Tunisia, Austria, Mexico, USA, France, Liechtenstein,El Salvador, Ukraine, Ecuador, Thailand, Russia and Switzerland. Just looking at that list would probably send my mother into a panic because she would worry that she might come across as ignorant and stupid if she couldn't even find some of those countries on the map of the world. Here's the thing though: when I meet someone at work from another country, I don't start quizzing them about Singapore and judging them on what they know about Singapore. In fact, I never do that and there's an obvious reason why. When you meet someone for the first time, you have to decide whether you want to build rapport with them or if you want to alienate them. If the person is a work colleague, then it would be in your interest to build rapport with them as you want to get along with them and have a good working relationship with them. So I would never start the relationship off on a bad note by making the other feel as if they cannot build a rapport with me if they didn't know a particular fact about Singapore or Asia, instead I would simply avoid that pitfall altogether by shifting the focus onto them and show that I am genuinely interested to get to know them better by asking loads of questions about them. This is fairly standard in a corporate setting, where you meet someone for the first time and you politely ask questions about the other person. This is a cordial exchange of information that involves making sure you always allow the other party to offer some information without feeling as if they are being interrogated or quizzed. Let me give you an example: I have a French friend who got a job in Amsterdam, so when I met up with him, I was curious to find out which language he used in the office - French, Dutch or English? So a neutral way to phrase that question would be just that, without showing any expectations as to what the answer may be. But I could be a real bitch and say something like, "you have been working in Amsterdam for over a year now, how good is your Dutch? Are you fluent in Dutch yet?" Phrasing the questions like that would imply that I expect his Dutch to be very good by now and that anything less than that would lead to me judging him harshly - well, that is an approach that would alienate the other party. When he told me that it was a predominantly English speaking environment, I had to hide my disappointment as I didn't want him to feel like he was being judged for his inability to speak Dutch fluently. I was faced with a choice there: do I speak my mind or hide my feelings? Do I want to build bridges or alienate this friend? So of course I chose to hide my feelings as I prioritized our friendship, I had really nothing to gain by insulting or upsetting him. 

I like a Youtube channel called Abroad In Japan and it is hosted by this British expatriate Chris who lives in Japan. In a recent post on Youtube, he shared a rather bizarre story of how he encountered an old Japanese man with very poor social skills - he was relaxing on the beach with another friend when this old man came to say hello, so Chris responded politely. When this old man realized that Chris spoke Japanese pretty well, he started a conversation and all this seems pretty normal till this point, but then when Chris revealed that he was from England, this old man felt it was necessary to share with Chris everything he knew about England like, "aah England, the Beatles are from England. You also have Elton John and David Bowie. You have a Queen, no wait, she was very old and recently died and now you have a King - his name is King Charles. London is the capital city, that's where you have Big Ben, Tower Bridge and Buckingham Palace. English people like to eat fish and chips." Chris thought, what the hell old man, why are you telling me facts that any English person would know about their own country, I'm not here to reward you or congratulate you for knowing those facts, did you somehow mistake me for your English teacher in your secondary school?" Chris felt bad though as the old man was clueless but so polite. This went on for 25 minutes before Chris was rescued by his friend who decided, that's it, I've had enough of this crazy old Japanese man, we have to go, say goodbye to that old man and let's leave. This old man probably thought that was his way of showing respect to the English person, to show Chris that he knew a bit about England and English culture but that's not how it works in the real world and certainly, that's not the way to build rapport with someone you have just met! What I would have done in this situation is to simply ask Chris questions about his time on Japan like, what brought you to Japan in the first place? What kind of impressions of Japan did you have as a child growing up in England and how did those impressions match the reality you encountered here in Japan? What is it like making friends in Japan as an expatriate? Do you prefer living in rural Japan or in the middle of Tokyo? What do you miss most from home when in Japan? What do you miss about Japan when you are visiting your friends and family back in England? Look, I could go on, but I can think of a hundred more questions to ask Chris to send the message, "I'm very interested in you, but I'm not trying to impress you, instead I'm simply going to let you volunteer information in this conversation." Those of us who have spent enough time in corporate settings are familiar with the art of making small talk, where you ask polite conversation about the other party whilst refraining from trying to "impress" the other party, unless you happen to be asked an appropriate question like, "Where did you study law? Oxford? That is so impressive!"

This is why I feel like people like my parents and this crazy old Japanese guy go desperately wrong when it coms to this kind of social interaction - they treat it like an exam where they have to go there and impress the teacher with all the information that they have on the topic. It is very likely that this is a result of the education system in the Far East: I encountered this problem with my nephew when I was tutoring him for his A level economics exam. He simply didn't understand that the whole purpose of the exam at all; he would see one word like "inflation" and then just write volumes on the topic, showing that he has memorized the textbook without actually attempting to answer the question. I think he got the impression that the marker would somehow just reward him for being a 'good boy' in having spent the time to memorize the textbook, as if As were given out for good character and behaviour rather than right answers in the exam. I don't want to be too harsh on my nephew as he is simply a product of the system, he is the way he is because the system has shaped him but you can see why people like that crazy old Japanese man expect be rewarded for having memorized facts about another person's country like that. This is a sign of immaturity - after all, when young children are in primary school, they know they can easily impress the teacher by demonstrating that they have done their revision and can quote chunks from the textbook. That may impress the teachers at primary school, but evidently it was not going to work for my nephew doing his A levels. Ironically the way I handle this kind of corporate small talk is far easier than what my nephew had to do for his exams, all I have to do is to ask questions in order to show interest in the other party. By the same token, I don't need the people I work with to know anything about Singapore - all I ask of them is to show some interest in me as a person and be committed to get to know me better. In fact, I am wary of people who come with preconceived notions of Singapore that may be wildly inaccurate and plain wrong, it frustrates me when I have to correct them. I remember encountering a Pakistani student years ago at university, he was obviously a very well educated person who knew a lot about Singapore but good grief, he had such poor social skills as he wanted to impress me what he knew about Singapore: he had the audacity to start lecturing me about Singapore and when I tried to tell him that some of his facts were inaccurate, he got very defensive and started arguing with me, insisting that he was right and I was wrong. Instead of using the opportunity to engage me by simply saying, "you're from Singapore, do share your perspective with me please, I'd love to find out more as I'm interested." No, he completely alienated me with his poor attitude and bad social skills, I had no intention to be his friend after the incident, he didn't give me any reason to like him.

Thus I would rather deal with a person who says, "I admit that I really don't know much about Singapore, obviously you know a lot more about Singapore than I do and hence I am just going to ask you some questions about Singapore instead, if you would then educate and inform me about Singapore please as I am very interested. Likewise, the same would apply if I meet someone from Norway (just to pick a random country), that Norwegian person would really prefer if I asked polite questions rather than make assumptions of their country based on what I have learnt about Norway. Therein lies the secret in developing great working relationships with people from any country in the world: no, you don't need to have a brain full of knowledge of every single country in the world. Instead, you simply need to be humble, respectful, polite and interested in the other person, but most of all, you must always resist the urge to try to impress the other person like that Pakistani student who tried to lecture me about Singapore. I got the impression that he probably had parents would pushed him to study very hard and would reward him each time he demonstrated that he had memorized yet another chunk of his textbooks. That was why he had expected me to react like his parents when he started giving me all these facts about Singapore but no, that is certainly not how you build rapport with someone you have just met. So let's stay with this case study and look at it from my point of view: when this Pakistani student rattled off a whole load of facts about Singapore to me, none of this information was new to me, it was pretty standard information that I'd expect all Singaporeans to know. Is he educating me by offering me new information? No, he isn't. Did I ask him for any of that information, was I trying to test him in this way? Again, no, absolutely not - I never intended to do that. If he was a Singaporean who had some juicy gossip about some brand new story that hasn't even appeared in the news yet, then I'd be all ears; but unless you clearly have something to offer the other party, then offering them something of no value whatsoever is a really stupid idea. Let's contrast this to turning it into an exchange of information: imagine if I asked you if like to drink coffee in the morning and how many cups of coffee you'd usually drink before lunch. That way I could establish common ground with you if we're both coffee lovers or if you turn out to be a tea lover (or if you don't even touch any hot drink with caffeine in it), then it can turn into a conversation about the alternatives to coffee and what it would be like to start the day without expecting the kick start caffeine offers. The key difference is whether you're offering something to engage the other party or making it all about yourself and the latter is a formula for disaster. 

Hence it takes the same kind of social skills to thrive in a work place, where your colleagues and clients all come from your local area or if they are from all over the world! This is why people like my parents are totally barking up the wrong tree when they worry that it would be difficult to get along with work mates from other countries when their nationality is a moot point - what matters the most is their social skills. Whilst it could be useful to have some knowledge of the language(s) and culture of the person you are talking to, not knowing how to use that knowledge and using it incorrectly (ref: that Pakistani student) can prove to be detrimental to that relationship - thus between having some knowledge and having the right social skills, the latter is far more important than the former. I'd like to finish by sharing a conversation I had with my sister and nephew: my sister told us about two interns she had at work, one was a straight A student with poor social skills whom we shall call Archie, the other was a guy from an average school, with average grades but had great social skills whom we shall call Brandon. The team adored Brandon and found Archie insufferable. At the end of the internship, there was the opportunity to offer one of them a job with the organization and it was Brandon who was offered a job because he was such a joy to work with and whilst Archie may have been more impressive on paper, unfortunately he was a pain in the work environment and struggled to get along with others. Thus that made it a very easy decision to make, now whilst the outcome of that story was no surprise to me, it really shocked my nephew that the decision makers would just overlook Archie's excellent results and penalize him for his bad social skills - my nephew felt the decision should have taken into account "the whole picture", rather than be just based on Brandon's superior social skills. When I asked my nephew why he felt that way, he said it would be more fair that way given how hard Archie had studied to achieve those grades. I explained it like this: whilst I have no doubt that Archie studied a lot harder than Brandon at school, what if all those subjects that Archie studied at school were completely irrelevant to the job that Brandon was offered? What if the job was far more focussed on social skills to deal with clients and business partners? My nephew was respectful and polite enough not to challenge me on this topic, but you should have seen that look of surprise on his face as he processed my explanation - at least he is young enough to learn and adapt to this modern world whilst people like my parents are stuck in their ways. So what do you think? Why do people make all these incorrect assumptions about befriending colleagues from other countries then? Please do leave a comment below and many thanks for reading.