Hi guys, I'm just sharing out my thoughts here as I have gone through some ups and downs this year. I had some mental health issues earlier this year when I went through a very tough period and it triggered some childhood trauma - given the kind of childhood I had growing up in Singapore, believe me there's a lot of bad memories I would rather just put in a box and never open it. But I went through a terrible episode and I got triggered, I'm not here to talk about the details of what happened but I got through it. I'm okay now but at that time, I just couldn't bring myself to talk to my family, especially my parents. I didn't want to pretend to be alright when I had all of these mental health issues to cope with, yet I also didn't want to get into an argument with them along the lines of, "the abuse I suffered when I was a child was so awful I am still traumatized." So as a result, I just plain stopped talking to them. It has been three months and I have only spoken to one sister on a regular basis whilst exchanging very brief messages with my other sister; I have had zero contact with my parents in this time and I had just assumed that this was going to be the way from now on. Well then something unexpected happened - as you know, I am now a self-employed consultant and I am always hunting around for my next project, I am always hustling for my next gig. So I get a Whatsapp message from one of my contacts in Luxembourg (let's call her Sylvie, not her real name) and she needs help with a project in Singapore and Malaysia. Sylvie and I have a mutual friend in Brussels who is also in our industry and our Belgian friend in Brussels told her, "you need to get Alex on this project, there's no better man for the job." Thus with that excellent recommendation, Sylvie and I are starting a negotiation about what I can do for her company, how much I am going to cost her and when I can go out to there to Singapore to join help her out, etc - I must point out that whilst I am optimistic, nothing is confirmed at this stage.
*I needed to insert this disclaimer to make it very clear, this would involve a SHORT business trip with Sylvie's company to Singapore and Malaysia, it would NOT involve me moving back to Singapore or living in Singapore. You all know how I feel about Singapore, thus I have to make this crystal clear. I would be working for a European company on a contract to do business development for them in Asia, but I am NOT and will NEVER move back to Singapore, never - is that clear?
Actually it has been a really long time since I've been back to Singapore as I was last there in 208 - in 2019, I took an extremely long holiday traveling across South America and then in 2020, the pandemic happened. So of course, the prospect of Sylvie's company paying for me to fly business class to Singapore and getting paid a lot of money for about two weeks out there is certainly a rather nice prospect. In a nutshell, Sylvie's company has been invited to an event in Singapore later this year and she wants to bring a very credible team with her in order to get as many new clients from Singapore as possible so that's why I have suggested that I go with her to deal with all her new potential clients. This will just be a very short contract, though it will be something I hope I could do again and again with Sylvie's company in other countries as well if I prove to be brilliant at networking and working the crowd at such events for her. If I am going to be out in Singapore this year, I'm even thinking of a trip to Laos since there's a flight from Singapore to Vientiane. I have only told one sister about all of this, given that I don't want them to get their hopes up given that Sylvie hasn't offered me a contract yet and so at this stage I don't want to count my chickens before they hatch. But this is what my sister said to me that made me think, no, this is not right. She was very concerned that I had my mental health issues earlier this year and that I was triggered, so she suggested that I keep this trip to Singapore a secret - we certainly will not tell my parents that I am going to be in Singapore and she left it to me whether I wanted to meet my eldest sister. You see, I am a lot closer to my second sister because there's a much smaller age gap whereas I am more distant from my (much older) eldest sister. I said no, I don't want to avoid anyone, if I do go to Singapore, I'm not going to go out of my way to be nice to my parents but then I'm not going to avoid them either. I might see them a few times for meals and that would be it, I won't get triggered - I think I probably need to see them as these old and frail, helpless elderly folks to give my relationship with them a fresh new context otherwise all my brain has to work with are my traumatic childhood memories.
I compared it to another incident that happened recently. I was rushing from one meeting to another in London recently and I realized, in order to get to my client's office on time, I had to walk right past my old office where I used to work: to cut a long story short, that was the company where I left on very bad terms and there was even a part of me that dreaded having to walk down that road past that building. I then asked myself why I was afraid? No, I had to face my fears and demons, I have to walk down that street and even stop at the entrance of that building to take a good look because I needed to remind myself just how far I had come since I had left that company. Sure there were bad memories when that working relationship fell apart, but I have rebuilt my career since and even if my former colleagues saw what I had achieved since I had left that company, they would probably be shocked. So not only did I walk right past that building, holy shit, standing right in front of that building was a former colleague and luckily, he was on his mobile phone so I didn't try to speak to him but our eyes met for a moment and I stared straight at him, unflinching, unafraid. I was thinking, "yeah it's me, it's Alex, I'm sure you remember me." I held his gaze for a brief moment but I didn't stop walking, though I slowed down a little to make sure he saw me clearly and before you knew it, I had already turned the corner at the end of that street. It was then that I realized that it wasn't scary at all and I was glad I chose to do that - I faced my fears and demon, I literally stared them in the face and that was something I had to do for myself. If you run away from your fears, if you never have the courage to face your demons, then you will be running for the rest of your life. But if you have the guts to simply face your fears and stare your demons in the eyes, then you will prove to yourself that you're not afraid of them and that you're strong enough to cope with any scary shit that life can throw at you. I wasn't looking to confront anyone from my former company that day, I just wanted to prove to myself that I'm not afraid of facing my demons and I'm brave.
This is why I want to go meet my parents in Singapore. I'm not looking to argue with them, there would not be any point in confronting them about the childhood abuse that happened all those years ago. But I think simply staring them in the eyes would prove to me that even though I did get triggered earlier this year over my childhood abuse, I have become strong enough to cope with it. Yes I suffered from a lot of very nasty childhood abuse all those years ago - in the past, I used to just stuff all those awful memories into a box and then shut the lid tight, pretending that the contents of the box didn't matter or even exist. But when I got triggered, that opened Pandora's box and I was forced to confront all the contents in that box which I hadn't opened for so many years. It was awful, I was depressed for weeks as I couldn't process it all - the pain was fresh as if it had all just happened yesterday. But I realized, this is because I am revisiting those memories that I experienced as a very young child unable to figure out why I was being abused like that; that was not something you could expect a 3 or 4 year old child to ever understand. But now as an adult, I am facing those traumatic abuse memories again and using this new perspective as an adult looking what happened to make sense of those memories. It doesn't ever excuse the horrific abuse that I suffered as a child, but still, I know I cannot go back to pretending that the contents of the box can be ignored. No, the only way I can move on now is to stare the contents of the box in the face, return to the scene of the crime, look my parents in the eye and then find some kind of peace on my own terms. That way, I get to take ownership of the contents of the box, in making sense of those memories, so I am taking charge of the situation and facing my demons rather than allowing them to chase me down yet another rabbit hole.
I know my sister is trying to be kind, she is worried that I may be triggered again if I was even in the same room as my parents, but this is something I have to do to make things right for myself. She is also probably assuming that if I tried to talk to my parents about how I got triggered by my childhood abuse trauma, then my parents would simply react by going into full denial and getting very defensive. I am not trying to resolve things with my parents, I'm not trying to forgive them - the concept of forgiveness would involve the other party apologizing and asking for forgiveness before you can offer it. All that is a lot more complicated and we're not even going to try to do any of that - for me, facing my parents and staring them in the eyes is just like going down a scary slide at a water theme park. I want to face my fears and conquer them, nothing can be resolved with my parents, we have no relationship to speak of anyway but I just don't like the idea of having something I am so afraid of that I must avoid. That is a sign of weakness and I'm the kind of guy who would pay a lot of money to go to a water theme park in Dubai and head straight for the scariest ride there just to prove to myself that I am not afraid of even the most scary rides they can build. So bring it on, I want to face my fears. But there's also something a lot more subtle that: it is also about self-belief, self-confidence and self-love. My sister did say to me that if she had waited for my parents to ever give her any kind of validation, then she would never ever have any self-confidence today as my parents would never praise her. It's an Asian parent thing: they believe that giving the child any kind of praise would turn them into spoilt brats and if you convince the child that they're not good enough, not smart enough then you would motivate them to work harder so instead of offering praise, they would offer criticisms instead. Thus my sister was worried that my parents will have no idea how to react to me landing all of these lucrative contracts today and so that absence of any kind of praise or validation would disappoint me and that would upset me even further.
Well I have the solution to that and it comes in two parts: the first is turning to people who matter for the right kind of validation. In my case, that means turning to people I respect in the industry to see if they think I am doing well in my career. After all, they are the experts whose feedback I value whilst my parents are in no position to even begin to understand what I do for a living, so they are really not the right people to offer any kind of meaningful feedback for me. The second step is to give myself the validation I need - I do this by setting myself goals and then measuring my work performance against those goals. So I can check if I have achieved my objectives or if I fell short - I actually had to apply this in another area of my life recently. So my regular readers will know that I had a health scare early this year when I was told that not only was I prediabetic (with abnormally high blood sugar levels), I also had high blood pressure. I had to lose weight quickly in order to take control of the situation - so I was given a choice: I could either join a group of local fat people at my local NHS clinic for weekly meetings about how to lose weight (think Marjorie Dawes from Little Britain running the 'Fat Fighters' group) or I could do it on my own. I chose the latter given that I had more faith in my own ability to achieve my objectives. I had a very clear goal and so I did what I had to do to lose a lot of weight very quickly, I am still about 2 kgs away from my target weight of 70 kgs but I have in fact lost 10% of my body weight since I got that health scare. Hence I am merely applying that same level of discipline now to make sure that I do achieve my objectives in my career; so when it came to my health, I had a clear motivation to succeed. I didn't want to get diabetes or hypertension - I wanted to be healthy. And now, I don't want to be a failure - I want to be rich and successful. Thus I am not looking for the approval of others when it comes to my career, I just need to achieve the goals which I have set for myself. Thus any validation or encouragement would be lovely, but ultimately isn't necessary as I remain focussed on achieving my goals.
At this stage, I still don't know if and when I'd go to Singapore again - I'm not close enough to my family to bother to make that long trip there just to see them but if I can combine it with work, then of course I'll extend my stay in Singapore to catch up with some of my old friends there. Quite frankly, I'm far more keen to see my old friends in Singapore than to spend time with my family but then again, I really don't want to be so afraid of anything and so I most certainly refuse to avoid my parents if and when I do go to Singapore. The timing of this trip will ultimately depend on Sylvie's work schedule and agenda; in the meantime, I have plenty of work to keep me busy here in London for now. So that's it from me on this issue, as always, many thanks for partaking in this process which helps me figure out where I stand on the issue. I find this whole process very therapeutic and useful. Please do leave a comment below, many thanks for reading.
I certainly hope you are feeling better now mentally. Our parents don't owe us "gratitude" or "respect" and i have been abused (physically and mentally) when I was young too. I certainly don't show any to my parents and I think it is a-okay to just ignore your parents if they are triggering you.
ReplyDeleteHope to see you soon in Singapore.
I refer you to the moment in the Taylor Swift music video in the funeral scene when Chad said, "okay I'm just gonna come out and say it I think she killed her." Preston screams, "you've gone too far!" Then Chad screams, "Kimber was the last one with her, she didn't fall off the balcony, she was pushed!" Then Kimber yells, "NOOOO, YOU MONSTER!" Then everyone starts fighting. Yeah there's me replaying that scene in my head telling my parents, I didn't fall as a baby, you tried to kill me. You tried to murder me when I was less than 12 months old. Then my sisters would scream at me and call me a monster. That's why I grew up with that feeling of, "it's me, hi. I'm the problem it's me."
DeleteOk this is straight up fucked up. I was abused by my dad but then it was partly due to my fault (forging his signature on my report card, not doing homework, etc).
DeleteBut attempted homicide is straight up fucked up!!!!
I'm surprised you can remember something when you were so young. However I do still remember my elder brother using a knife to cut my finger when I was a toddler (3-4?) and I have the scars to prove it. I bet he has conveniently forgotten that fact, as well as the stealing of my allowance...
Allow me to set the record straight, I don't have a memory of when I went to hospital after that 'fall' on my head, I was about 11 months old at that stage and most people struggle to have memories beyond the age of 3, in some cases even 2 years old but in my case, the incident in question happened before my first birthday, So no, I don't have a memory of it as such but when I talked about real memories of them beating me up for no reason as an infant, okay I used the wrong word. I was probably recalling being beaten up at the ages of like 2 or 3 years old, but I find it hard to believe that my parents didn't start hitting me only at a certain age if they were in the habit of beating up their children to vent their anger at how miserable their lives were. In any case, I know for a fact that they used to beat up my two sisters for no reason from a very young age as well, so by the time I came along, it was totally normal for my parents to beat up the baby/infant/toddler as a means to vent their anger. Given that was the context and I ended up in hospital with a head injury, I am speculating that my parents probably got carried away beating up the crying baby and pushed/threw me to the ground in a fit of rage. My parents have serious anger management issues and I was at the receiving end of it. I have witnessed them doing some really nasty things to my sister in terms of physical abuse. Thus I'm merely putting 1 + 1 = it has to be 2, within that context, if you say, "the baby fell and hit his head." Yeah right, I have to roll my eyes and say I don't believe the baby fell, no way.
DeleteAlex, this is really messed up. If you grew up in a western country child protective services might have gotten involved. I wish you all the best in Luxembourg in June. They speak so many languages over there you'd probably enjoy yourself a lot.
DeleteYeah in the West, if parents keep ending up in hospital because a 'naughty baby' keeps falling and hitting his head, then questions would be asked, but not in Singapore where they simply took the parents' word for it. Like if it happened once, then okay, accidents happen but actually this happened twice. That's why it has led me to take a step back and say, I don't accept my parents' version of events of blaming the baby for 'falling'. Yeah right. Years ago when I used to coach gymnastics for kids, I once broke up a fight between two young kids and I told them, "we don't use our fists, we never hit other people even if they upset us. I want you now to use your words to tell each other why you wanted to hit the other person, you need to express yourselves with words and talk." In principle, that was a nice idea, right? But these kids were so inarticulate, I remember the girl saying, "you make me feel sad and angry!" And I was like okay, why? Can you explain why you feel that way? But she really struggled to articulate her feelings to be fair, this child was about 6 or 7 years old so I wasn't expecting her to be the more eloquent orator when it came to articulating her complex feelings but my parents are like that - they have the emotional intelligence of a 6 year old kid, they don't know how to express their feelings with words in an eloquent manner and thus they would hit first and ask questions later. That's what it was like growing up with very uneducated and severely autistic parents (who have anger management issues as well) - hit first, think later. That's why I am now refusing to believe their version of events regarding why I had two head injuries as a baby, I can't prove they caused it directly, but I no longer accept their story as to how it happened. This is important for me to express: I have the right to voice my side of the story and be heard.
Delete@LIFT I saw this news the other day: https://www.channelnewsasia.com/singapore/woman-jailed-swinging-kettle-full-hot-water-daughter-who-stayed-out-late-leaving-burns-3445031
DeleteWhich reminded me of a childhood incident where my dad took a heated lighter and burnt my right leg. I still have the scars to prove it so is definitely not a childhood imaginary event. If I had known better when I was young my dad might have ended up in prison.
Yeah the thing about people who lack emotional intelligence is that although a tantrum feels good, it solves precisely zero problems. That being said, a tantrum is not the same as simply voicing your opinion and working towards a solution, which takes more restraint and intelligence than throwing a tantrum. Yes you have a right to be heard, regardless of what the other party thinks. I have a tendency to just "shut up and walk away", but that's because I don't like tantrums in general or voicing emotion that doesn't lead to resolution. Recently I was playing videogames with a very annoying friend, and he said something terrible when I made a mistake and died early in the game. And I told another friend who was there that I didn't like what he said, and she said "then why didn't you call him out?" And I said "well I have in the past but it doesn't change anything. So next time I get invited to play and he's there I'll just decline." Then she said "even if he won't agree or listen, you should voice your feelings just so you feel heard." But even then I don't like listening to dumb excuses, so I'd rather only spend my effort communicating to people who are worth it. But that's just me, my brother is more like you where he will always voice emotion, whether the other side is listening or not, but then again I have a tendency to undervalue my own opinion in disputes, and I think that stems from not voicing it. If something is invisible, it might as well not exist.
Delete@Choaniki - I don't know if it would as this kind of physical abuse was commonplace in Singapore back in those days. I'm not saying every single parent in Singapore ibn the 1980s did it but a lot did. Case in point, I had this primary school classmate who was so badly beaten by her parents she used to show up in class with all these horrific bruises and cane marks. The teachers all saw it and the closest any teacher did was say to her, 'see lah, why you so naughty make your parents angry with you? If you be a good girl all the time, then your parents don't be angry with you lah. Must listen to your parents all the time, okay?" (Singlish added for authenticity, all teachers spoke broken English back then, it was the 1980s.) I'd like to think that if a child showed up in primary school with those injuries in 2023, it would be like, quick call the police at once, we need to rescue this child immediately! The only reason why our parents' generation got away with it was because they were all complicit in turning a blind eye to the abuse and condoning it when they saw others do it, thus it because acceptable to act in that kind of abusive manner.
DeleteAs @Amanda explained, it is no more than a tantrum. These badly behaved Asian parents are throwing a tantrum when they beat up their children instead of using words to reason with their children to modify their behaviour. But of course, many parents of that generation like mine were uneducated, ignorant and barely literate, hence they sucked at expressing themselves using words, resorting to physical violence when they got angry was a form of tantrum but often the only way such inarticulate people knew how to express their frustrations and pain in life - to be at the receiving end of those tantrums when it manifested itself in violent physical abuse though, nobody deserves that. Certainly not defenceless young children. One has to draw the line somewhere.
@LIFT the reason why teachers turned a blind eye is because they engaged in abuse as well (throwing chalk, hitting knuckles with heavy metal ruler, and even corporal caning!).
DeleteThe boomer teachers of the past were all uneducated, like your parents, and didn't know the proper way to enforce class discipline so abuse it is!
Oh there was too much of that bullshit in my primary school I can tell you that.
DeleteI'm just thinking that poor parenting can also stem from bad working conditions. The issue with a parent throwing a tantrum is the uneven balance of power which means the child can't simply leave if they're being abused. The same can be true for a boss/employee relationship, if a boss can throw a tantrum at work, e.g a school principal yelling at a teacher and getting away with it, then that employee is going to think this is the natural order of things and they can get away with whatever they want to someone weaker. In Western societies there are a lot more worker protections and societal norms for reducing incidences of toxic workplace environments, as well as child protective services, school psychologists, etc. to monitor domestic abuse. In Singapore there is even the issue of long working hours which persists to 2023, because people will do anything to avoid driving a taxi, and employers know that. I've also heard some horrible NS stories of higher ups abusing NSmen, but that things have gotten better over time. One of my friends who did NS said that it's easier for parents to complain their son is getting yelled at than 20 years ago. That particular friend once had a mental breakdown during NS because that was the age his depression was triggered, which he's still dealing with years later with prescribed meds. Apparently he told someone in his unit he felt so depressed he wanted to shoot his sergeant if he got the chance. He was promptly taken to a psychologist, evaluated, and moved from infantry to a desk job so he wouldn't be allowed to hold a gun for the rest of NS. I'm just like... wow, Singapore cares way more about keeping guns away from mentally ill people than America. I think in the past month or two I've heard of no less than 4 school shootings here.
DeleteYou raise a good point there - I believe it is important to be in a society where tantrums shouldn't be tolerated. I see tantrums as a product of very poor social skills where someone doesn't know how to communicate their frustration or anger to the other person and it comes out in a most explosive, inappropriate manner. I think we have all been in situations where we experience a lot of frustration and/or anger at the other party but it's more a question of how we choose to communicate at that point and a lot of that is a learned response, that's where our culture and what is expected of us plays a huge part in this process. In Singapore (certainly in the bad old days), there were instances of bad bosses throwing tantrums at work, screaming their heads off at their workers and that's accepted as the norm. Even my sister had a boss like that who used to bully her really badly and my sister just shrugged her shoulders and accepted it as, "in Singapore, this is considered totally normal." You might say that Singaporean society is changing (albeit slowly) but what is really happening is that the older generation like my parents are dying and they are taking those attitudes with them to the grave - people like my parents will never change their mindsets, but they cannot live forever and thus when they die, that old-fashioned attitude will die with them. And then you have Singaporeans who have grown up a lot more enlightened about this issue and they become the adults today - it's really sad that people who are wrong (like my parents' generation) cannot learn or change for the better. All we can do is wait for them to die and take their awful attitudes with them to the grave in order for society to change for the better. So did the SAF change for the better in terms of the bullying culture? Not really, it's not like someone actually stood up to the problem and say, "we can do better, let's change." No, it was a very gradual evolution of attitudes that happened as the older people retired and died. Change that is brought about by death of the elderly is like watching moss grow - it's too slow and we can do better.
DeleteAsian societies are highly passive aggressive. Someone like me who voices out my displeasure will have it backfire spectacularly, e.g. getting punched in the face by an Ah Beng who wants to play with his mobile phone in a dark cinema hall.
DeleteAlso nothing has changed much in the 10-20 years since whatever initiative MOE or politicians have tried to get people to voice out. No one is willing to call out boomers blasting music on the train, no one raises their hands to ask a question during Q&A sessions, etc. Asians are so passive. And continue to get exploited by people in power.
Oh wow I'm not surprised your sister had a boss like that, but the systems in place let someone like that get away with yelling. I once almost got banned from the fabrication lab at my undergrad university in Singapore because I tried to use a laser cutter before booking it. The lab manager yelled at me, and I said I didn't know I had to book it because we weren't taught that in our training class, and he immediately threatened to ban me for my entire studies if I kept on questioning him. If that happened in America, I could complain to the university and say that a person in a position of power shouldn't resort to threats in the middle of an honest discussion, that would be very bad for the school's reputation and I could easily report it to the student newspaper who will make a big deal out of the "unsafe/toxic learning environment." In hindsight I should've just told one of my professors about the incident, he did his PhD in America and was a lot calmer and educated. I also had admin staff yell at me to go away and not interrupt a prof even when I had an appointment with them. The look on their faces when the prof waved at me.... Another time IT staff were rude to me and told me to go away when I asked for some free software the school provided because I didn't have the head of department's signature, but I did because I worked with that prof and needed the software for research. I swear none of the staff in my American university have ever been as rude to me as the admin staff in Singapore. Jeezus, it's like they get off from yelling at students.
DeleteYeah it's true that a lot of things are changing not because there is an active campaign, but because the older people are dying off. In Western schools there's usually an anti-bullying campaign, but there aren't really any in Asia. Asians don't really agitate for social change compared to economic growth I feel... In China it seems things are changing due to the lie flat/let it rot movements because of the people's discontent with the unemployment rate, long hours, and high housing prices. I think Sgan society is just comfortable enough that people don't feel it's worth it to stand up and change the culture. I think it would take some very tragic bullying/overwork event for people to say "enough is enough." However, the Singapore government controls the news so even if such events occur, people wouldn't know about it. In the West anti-bullying campaigns were started because of teen suicides due to bullying. The 8 hour work day and other worker protections were also started because of unions. The Straits' times doesn't cover incidences of bullying very often, school or workplace, and unions are forbidden.
Well Amanda, I think the biggest driver of this change is media and more to the point, social media is really accelerating it. This is a very positive step in the right direction. Back in my parents' generation, they had virtually no exposure to other cultures - there might have been the odd movie at the cinema they could go watch but that was expensive for ordinary folks. The government controlled what western programmes were allowed on TV and most of them were very tame and conservative selections, like family friendly programmes and a lot of educational programmes. In any case, in my family, we often defaulted to Chinese programmes imported from places like Taiwan and HK (dubbed into Mandarin) as my father couldn't understand English language programmes, so that just meant that they had virtually no Western influence. Fast forward to the young people today who barely even watch TV anymore and just consume social media off platforms like TikTok, Instagram and Youtube - you are no longer limited by what the government decides you can access in the name of entertainment, with a good internet connection, you can basically download anything you like and enjoy it. This has introduced a lot of Western culture into the minds of the younger generation in a way that the older generation never did. Of course, it is still down to each individual as to how much of this influence they wanna expose themselves to. My eldest sister works such long hours she has little time for entertainment, so any influence via this means is limited whereas I've gone the whole way - like my favourite TV programme is a Belgian programme that's 75% Dutch, 10% English, 10% French and 5% others (like Spanish or German). I watch it with no subtitles and I can't imagine anyone else in Singapore even contemplating doing that, unless they're Dutch speaking. I've embraced all things foreign that came from outside Singapore and am grateful for the opportunity to do so but the older generation will never do that - they're going to go to the grave taking their attitudes with them if that's any consolation.
DeleteOh yes, social media may be ridiculed or thought of as a "social ill" in the 2020s, but it's made a huge difference to making entertainment and culture more accessible for people outside the top 20%. Movies are expensive at around $10/ticket in the US, TV and newspapers are cheaper but are gatekept by a select few so are easy to censor. Social media on the other hand is free and cheap and has really democratized the power of having a voice. It's just not possible to censor everything that the CCP has to make their content censor reviewers try to review 48 hours of footage in only 12 hours, that's just physically impossible unless they watch at 4x speed or greater. Hmm, I guess if even the Strait's times doesn't want to run a story about workplace/school bullying, the victim could easily make a tiktok telling their story, and it could go viral. Even this blog is an example of that, you are complaining about domestic abuse and bullying that took place in Singapore even if the Strait's times won't.
DeleteI mean even if those boomers want to watch the "woke" media, it doesn't guarantee they would change their mindset. In fact they are more likely to gravitate to media that supports their viewpoints so all those pro-CCP and antivax clips get spread around on FB and Whatsapp.
DeleteI mean for a while I used to watch the right wing talkshow called Louder with Crowder. But recently it came to light that he abused his ex-wife https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-12026189/Steven-Crowders-wife-claims-shes-suffered-abuse-political-commentator-YEARS.html
I doubt I will watch his shows now.
So yes, it's a combination of the mortality of the older generation + social media for the younger generation that is changing attitudes for the younger Singaporeans now. Sure the older generation are not going to change their mindsets, but guess what? I hate to be blunt but they're gonna die anyway, they don't have that long to live so they will simply take their toxic mindsets and attitudes to the grave. The important lesson I learned about how this mindset doesn't get passed from one generation to the next is that it boils down to marketing - my parents assumed that I would inherit their value system, their mindsets and attitudes the way I had inherited other features like my hair colour or my eye colour through my DNA, but what they didn't realize was that they're competing with experts in marketing who operate through the media, these experts are far more effective in influencing my mindset and attitude and that's why I was able to to say to myself, I don't want to blindly inherit my parents' value system and I'm able to do so much better, I'll think for myself because I know my parents are wrong. My parents didn't have this kind of media when they were growing up, so they mostly just inherited their parents' mindsets, cultural beliefs and value system - take someone like my sister today, she is a parent in Singapore with a 19 year old son constantly on social media. I'm sure she realizes just how little influence she has on his mindset and attitudes given that she is trying to compete with social media - it's no fight, just give up and accept that social media is going to win and that's just the way it is now.
DeleteHey Alex, how is the UK economy going? Here in the US the tech and finance sectors with the best paying jobs aren't doing so well with a lot of layoffs. Morgan Stanley just announced 3000 more layoffs yesterday. People say it's because of the US government's efforts to curb inflation, i.e raising interest rates to cause higher employment to reduce demand for goods and services. But I haven't heard much about mass layoffs happening in the UK even though the UK government has also raised interest rates. The only thing I hear about in the UK are strikes and people not being able to heat their homes or pay for food. Maybe I should've told the finance recruiter I was open to roles in London since the hiring situation isn't that great in America right now. She also mentioned roles in Singapore, but private housing rents are crazy right now in Sg which are causing many expats to leave.
DeleteTo be honest, I am not really bothered whether the British economy is doing well or terribly. The GDP is not shared equally, so even in economies which are booming, there will still be poor people who are suffering and the opposite is true of course, in very poor countries (like Indonesia), there will still be extremely successful people who make a ton of money and become very rich (like your dad!) so I just shrug my shoulders and really don't care how badly the British economy is doing. I don't have shares in the 'British economy' - thus I am not better off if it does well or worse off if it does badly. My clients are global - just today, I have dealt with people in Mauritius, South Africa, the UAE, Luxembourg, France, Singapore, USA, Japan, Vietnam, Peru, El Salvador, Estonia, Italy and Malaysia. None of them are in the UK and I'm working on an international level, running my own company (in case you didn't get that memo, yeah I have finally done it - opened my own company and outsourcing myself as a consultant, I'm my own boss now). As far as I'm concerned, the UK economy can crash and burn and become the next dumpster fire for all I care, I'm going to do what your dad did - I will be the super rich successful businessman from a poor country who made his fortune depending on himself, rather than waiting for the government to do anything for him. That's what your dad did, I'm doing the same. Screw the British government, I'm not gonna get anything from them nor am I waiting for them to give me anything. London can burn to the ground for all I care, I'm doing what your dad did.
DeleteOnly poor working class people are dependent on the government to help them and in the UK, if I may be blunt, they're well and truly fucked - but then again, it sucks to be poor, am I telling you anything new? The working class in the UK are so fucked for a generation and they're gonna suffer a lot. Yeah things are really awful for them. That's why I see people like your dad as the inspiration to becoming very rich even - don't depend on others, don't depend on the government, don't wait for the economy to do well, depend solely on yourself.
DeletePlease excuse the rant nature of my replies, but you know me too well Amanda. Only working class people will be so passive in this nature and be fucked by the economy going up in flames like a dumpster fire. Like take a primary school teacher for instance, their pay is set by the government and if the government says, budgets are tight, we're freezing your pay or giving you a pay cut - they have no choice in the matter. That's my parents and the kind of crap I grew up with, I never wanna put myself in this position. I wanna be like your dad where he can live in a country like Indonesia with so much corruption, a fucking awful government, so much anti-Chinese racism going on around him, a society where so many people are living in dire poverty yet he said, it's okay, I can depend on myself, I don't care what's happening with the Indonesian economy, I am going to become so freaking rich and successful. Likewise, I'm looking over my shoulder and saying the same, yeah the UK economy is so well and truly fucked, the working class are fucked for a generation but hey, I'm doing GREAT! Cos I'm gonna do exactly what your father did.
DeleteLol I suppose I should also take a page from my dad's playbook and not be a simple wage worker who is dependent on the economy to do well to get my foot in the door of the tech/finance industries. Yeah my dad was a business owner who won contracts from multiple international oil companies, and before that he was a foreign talent working as an engineer in the US, all without a university degree(he did a poly diploma in Singapore). And during the Asian financial crisis he was doing fine because he was paid in US dollars instead of rupiah. Okay I get what you mean, it's not how the economy is doing but what opportunities you can find. Me feeling sorry for myself watching videos of tech layoffs isn't doing me much good instead of brainstorming ideas to make money.
DeleteActually I do have a classmate from high school, let's call him "Zach", who did manage to make it in Indonesia despite growing up middle class (which is poor by Western standards). Zach's mom was a primary school teacher at my private school so he was a student there because they gave teacher's kids a tuition discount. However, he could only afford to go to an Indonesian university for undergrad, while his classmates went abroad to the US, UK, Canada, Australia, etc. The job market isn't great in Indonesia, so after university, when one of his high school friends returned from America, Zach pitched an idea for a restaurant to this friend who became his first investor, and they split the profits 50/50. Zach is doing really well now and still cooking up new business ideas with that friend. One thing that always surprised me about Zach was how confident he was despite not having as much money as everyone else, and also having mediocre grades. However, Zach was extremely good at sports growing up, and a social butterfly, he just wasn't good at science/maths (but many jobs don't need this). Zach could've complained about the terrible economy and his weak passport like my friend "John" who is stuck in Jordan, but instead he leveraged his school connections and innate charisma to open new opportunities for himself. Also, Zach plays golf at country clubs now, and given his sporting talent would probably help in wowing rich clients who also like golf.
DeleteYou're overestimating the sporting talent in the process. I can totally SUCK at golf and keep hitting the ball into the bushes, but as long as I know how to entertain the client with small talk and flatter them when they beat me, they enjoy the game with me because I am a pleasure to be with (well everyone loves compliments and I know how to give them like a pro, even if my golf sucks). Once again, social skills trumps sporting talent. There was this Romanian guy who used to come to my gym - he was okay as a gymnast, not as brilliant as me but above average; did he make any friends by impressing the others? Nope, he was a real arrogant punk who kept reminding everyone how much better he was and why everyone else SUCKS compared to him. Needless to say, he made no friends. No no no, social skills trump everything else in this world - social skills trump sporting talent, brains, maths, everything.
DeleteSo imagine if you played golf with this Romanian guy and let's say his golf is excellent, would you be impressed and wanna do business with him? Hell no. You'd say, what an asshole, I never ever want to talk to him ever again, he's so full of himself and terribly rude, so arrogant. Thus even if I totally SUCK at golf, I can still make that business meeting over golf productive by telling the client how incredibly wonderful they are at golf. I know how to play the role of, "you're so talented, could you teach me?" I put them on a pedestal, flatter them, make them feel good and they will associate receiving that feeling of respect from me and like me for it. Social skills 101. If you wanna do well at sports the way I train hard at gymnastics, you do it for yourself, for the buzz you get when you do really well but NEVER EVER try to impress others, hell no. That's a huge social taboo - you only come across as that arrogant rude Romanian asshole at my gym that (surprise, surprise) everybody hates. I am so glad he is no longer showing up, no idea where he has gone but good riddance to him.
DeleteHmm, maybe I'm just thinking the sport talent would help because I always found it cool to watch Zach play well at basketball, soccer, tennis, etc. But if he was an arrogant prick then of course nobody would like him or want to do business with him. Talent or no talent, there is nothing more aggravating than someone implying "I'm better than you" to your face. The thing about sports or other leisurely activities would be to have fun and respect each other. Lol have you played golf before Alex? I've played minigolf but it's a little frustrating haha.
DeleteBy the way, John is an arrogant prick just like that Romanian gymnast. He's not good at sports, but he's very good at videogames. However, nobody wants to play with him because he's always shitty to people who aren't as good, especially when it's a team game. Zach used to be arrogant as a kid, and in fact we didn't like each other growing up because I was shitty at sports, but as he got older he became more humble and respectful of everyone. The thing is, John had way better grades than Zach in high school, but I think because he didn't develop better social skills, he can't succeed while Zach can. I guess John can blame the economy all he wants, but that doesn't change the fact he's annoying to work with.
I have to disagree with you Amanda because context is everything - is it cool to watch someone perform well at a sport you're interested in? Yes, but when you were in the gym with that Romanian gymnast, he would go out of his way to tell you everything you're doing wrong, why you suck, you're a loser with no talent and why he is so much better than you and superior in every way. That would make that experience totally awful. That's why even if you place me in a situation where I have to do something like play golf which I admittedly suck at, if my aim is to establish business with the other party in order to do business with them, then no problem, I can use my social skills to navigate that situation and get the results I want even if I am utterly TERRIBLE at golf. Unless you're trying to win prize money at golf tournaments and be the next Tiger Woods, then in this context social skills are a lot more important. This is why I always tell my readers that social skills trump any other skills they may have in their possession.
DeleteSorry typo: *IF* you were in the gym with Mr Romania,
DeleteIs that guy autistic? Sounds like it. Kinda wonder what job he works at, if any at all.
DeleteAlso I didn't say that it was okay to be a jerk if you were good at sports, so I'm not disagreeing with you at all. I just mentioned Zach was good at sport but didn't give any information about whether he was arrogant about it or not.
DeleteMr Romania has a good job it IT, I imagine he just sits at his laptop all day coding away without having to deal with other human beings, thus he is not dependent on his social skills to earn a good living. And fair enough, I'm sure we both agree that no matter how good Mr Romania may be at gymnastics, his behaviour and attitude would make most people simply avoid him in the gym.
DeleteArrogant people in tech do exist, but they aren't customer facing at all. It's possible to rise up the ranks using talent alone, but it's slower than using talent and good social skills.
DeleteBy the way, as a nouveau riche person, what's your opinion on luxury brands? I was reading a nytimes article about "superfakes", counterfeit luxury handbags so good they're indistinguishable from the real thing, at 5% or less the price. There were a lot of
angry commenters saying people were monsters for buying a bag that costs more than the average person's monthly salary. Or that someone is a fake person fishing for compliments and status if they buy these products. Or that rich people are snobs for making poor people buy luxury brands just to fit in. I was surprised a product with so little essential utility could generate so much controversy.
I am not rich but this person explains my thoughts exactly https://youtu.be/UzJQiqhldXo
DeleteBtw I know of couple of filthy rich people (100M+ networth, lives 6th Ave, etc) and they are usually understated (old wealth) since the last thing they want is to draw attention to themselves. And to avoid being kidnapped in the pre-independance days of SG.
Only stupid people spend beyond their means to show people they are rich (usually either noveau riche or upp-middle class).
Anyway, first things first, Sylvie has invited me to go to her head office in Luxembourg for a couple of days in June. Ironically, I was just there last summer. I went to Luxembourg in 2000, then 2022, now I'm going again in 2023?! I might stay on for a few more days just because they're gonna pay for my flight or train there. It's 5.5 hours by train or an hour by plane to Luxembourg.
ReplyDeleteGood for you. I don't get to go anywhere for the first 3 months...
ReplyDeleteOh it'll be a fairly short trip, but I think I'll nip across the border this time to the town of Arlon in Belgium - I've not been to Belgium in quite a few years since 2016 and despite the fact that Belgium is a relatively small country, I've actually been to many places there and it's just yet another part of Belgium to explore. Let's see, I might spend just one night there. Knuckle down for the next 3 months, work hard and no doubt you'll be off to Taiwan later this year already.
DeleteHi Alex, I'm sorry to hear that you don't have a good relation with your parents or your family with the exception of that 1 sister you have. My situation is the polar opposite of yours, I have a wonderful family but really toxic friends (eg. Clubbers, Drinkers, Gamblers), I spent more time with my friends than my family on some periods of my life (ie. NS).
ReplyDeleteSo take my advice with a grain of salt as I don't know whether this advice will help or hurt you in the end. Try to ask your parents to agree to only focus on certain topics (can be anything) and not bring up triggering topics, and then bring them to somewhere relaxing maybe do something both of you would consider fun together. Once you decide the relationship has "matured" enough, ask them to be honest with you, tell them to not sugar coat their feelings and promise that you'll not sugar coat you feelings. My family didn't sugar coat their feelings for me, they straight up just said, "You should keep in touch with 'those' friends" and I'll straight up reply, "I'll keep them till I find ones that doesn't come with all their baggage". Were they shocked? Yeah. Do they think I'm immature for thinking like that? Yeah, they said as much.
But by the end of the day, our relationship got better because we agreed to be honest. Sometimes a better relationship begins with AN agreement. That's my 2 cents, take my advice how you will. In the end, it's your life and if it turns out to be a terrible advice, I'm not the one who suffers, it's you.
Hi LHW and welcome to my blog. As you're a new reader, I need to explain a few things about my family situation to you that you probably have not realized yet. I left Singapore a long time ago in 1997, I've not lived in Singapore since having spent the last 26 years in Europe and the Middle East. I have not set foot in Singapore since 2018 and I have not spoken to my parents since January this year. So it's not like we have any kind of relationship at all to speak of - I know they exist, I know they're alive but I have no desire to make contact with them. Likewise, they know where I am, they know how to get hold of me but they've also made zero effort to try to get in touch. I'm perfectly fine with this state of affairs whereby we're just ignoring each other because at least we're not fighting and arguing. There is a peace of sorts, even if that is a truce built on a mutual desire to ignore each other and not make contact. My parents used to argue and fight a lot with my sister's husband's parents until their relationship evolved to the point where a similar kind of truce was created by both parties no longer making any contact at all and we all agree that a truce was infinitely better than the acrimonious relationship they had before. So please allow me to be clear: I don't want to talk to my parents again, there is nothing to say. Even if my parents died tomorrow without me ever talking to them, I'm perfectly okay with that. I have no desire to try to reconcile with them as they are dead to me - I'm sorry it sounds awfully cold of me to say that but we have reached the point where the relationship is beyond repair and the best case scenario is a truce based on a zero-contact policy. So when you say things like bringing them somewhere relaxing and doing fun things together, I'm like, does he even realize the state of my relationship with my parents? Like they are DEAD to me, I don't know how to sugar coat it. We are not even on talking terms. My point about this post is that even though they are dead to me in that I have no desire to speak to them or see them ever again, I don't like the idea of being 'so afraid' of them that I can never allow myself to be in the same room as them ever again. I'm the kind of person who would deliberately face my fears and do scary stuff just to prove to myself that I'm strong and brave, that I can defeat my fears. In that context, I have no desire to mend the relationship with my parents given that there is nothing left of it - they are DEAD to me. You assume that I still want to find a way to fix things with them - sorry mate, you're wrong. Call me a horrible evil person if you must, but my parents are DEAD to me. My desire to face them is just yet another way for me to prove to myself that I'm afraid of nothing, there's no desire at all on my part to try to make my parents feel good about getting back in touch with their long lost prodigal son who ran away from home. Sorry for the rant but you had no idea what the state of my relationship with my parents is. They're dead to me and have been dead to me for a long time.
DeleteOne last point: they're dead to me because they've been really awful people and have done nasty, evil things that I can never forgive them for. It sucks to have parents like that but such is the case with me. I am not going to go into another rant as to why my parents are such awful, evil people who have done such nasty unforgivable sins - but it suffices to say that I have good reasons why I have decided that they are dead to me and I don't want a relationship with them. I think it is very Asian of you to assume that I want to reconcile things with my parents when in reality, in some cases, people like me have good reasons why we want a clean break from our parents and have little/no contact ever again if they have committed such horrible crimes.
Delete@lhw why do so many relationships "experts" keep making this very basic mistake...
DeleteReconciliation requires mutual co-operation. If one party doesn't want to come to the table, in this case @LIFT parents, then nothing can be done. Constant contact will only result in constant abuse. It is better to disengage.
In any case, I've spoken to Sylvie and the trip to Singapore / KL isn't going to happen until much later on this year or maybe even next year, so it is not like I'm ever going to set foot in Singapore anytime soon. The pandemic gave me a good reason to avoid going to Singapore but even as all the restrictions were lifted I was like, I don't really want to go see my family there as my parents are dead to me in any case. If work happens to take me there, then I will face my parents (who are dead to me) just to prove that I'm not afraid of anything, not even people I've ghosted in my life. I'm happy for LHW who clearly has a nice family but please don't assume that I have any desire to reconcile things with my parents - there's this truce that's holding at the moment, it's based on a zero contact policy and that suits me just fine.
DeleteHi Alex, sorry for bringing up such painful memories. Even among my friends whom has terrible relationships with their parents, now I realised how tame their story is. I've been reading your blog for at least 2 months now before I created an account to blog myself, all I knew before hand was that you don't even have a neutral relationship (ie. at least a talking relationship) with your parents, I did not know that to you, you're parents being alive or dead makes no difference to you. I guess it has to do with the fact that many things are lost when we try to blog and vlog instead of talking face-to-face, all the context, body language is just lost. As amazing of a writer you are, there are things that are obvious in face-to-face conversations that will get lost when we try to write things down.
DeleteFor every relationship, it's like a bridge. It requires both sides to do their part. For as much as I wish that you've not given up trying to build your non-existent relations with your parents, I can sense the hopelessness as your parents doesn't recipricate. Here, I found myself torn, I can't imagine how much effort you put into trying to build a relationship with your parents and them just ignoring you. I will never understand your situation as for me, my toxic friends would be the ones trying to build bridges with me and me going, "I don't think I want your drinking/clubbing/smoking habits. For everything else, I'm fine with it" I hope you'll continue finding more amazing friends that treat you like family, the type family that everyone deserves but few get, the loving, caring and those who you look forward to come back to everyday.
It was very nice talking to you, thanks for the reply.
Hi again LHW, thanks for your reply. Yeah there's so much to unpack here - my parents were very abusive to me when I was young due to the circumstances under which they decided to have me. They were a poor, working class couple who already had two daughters but being Chinese, they were under a lot of pressure to keep on having children until a son came along and that was me. However, instead of bringing them joy, respectability and admiration from their peers, all I became was one more mouth to feed and money was tight. My parents were so poor they were already fighting about money when my oldest sister was born, imagine having three children when you don't even have enough money for one child - that's why I was seen as the biggest disappointment and let down to them, which was why ever since I was a baby, they took it out on me by beating up me, they were so uneducated and inarticulate, they didn't know how to process that mix of frustration, disappointment and anger; so they did it in a very Asian way by letting it out threw physically violent tantrums by just beating the crap out of me, this was especially bad when I was very young when my mother would totally lose her temper and smash a plate over my head just because she had a hard day at work, she would come home in a bad mood and start beating me up for no reason apart from the fact that I was the reminder that she had made a bad decision to have a third child when money was so tight. The extent of the physical abuse was - I'm just struggling to find the right word here, it was criminal but more shockingly, it was so common place in Singaporean society in the 1980s that nobody bat an eyelid to a woman smashing glasses and plates over her young children's heads. This is why I refuse to speak to them today as they were like, you were such bad children you drove me to beating you up as you didn't behave. And I'm like, no I was three years old when you smashed that plate over my head and left me bleeding from my head, that's a crime and instead of taking responsibility for your actions and making amends, you're blaming a 3 year old child for making you, a grown woman, do that to a child. This is why I have no desire to argue with them - it's like trying to talk to a 5 year old kid who has no sense of responsibility or morals. They're very poor, very uneducated and totally unreasonable. I take it that your parents are both educated and reasonable people (good for you), it is a totally different challenge when trying to deal with totally uneducated and unreasonable parents like mine. It was the extreme physical abuse I experienced as a child that triggered me earlier this year and led to weeks of depression and I've come out of it a lot stronger - but make no mistake, I have come to the conclusion that with parents like that, who needs enemies? I have no desire to fight with them any more (I have bigger fish to fry like focusing on my career that is going well), but it is very clear in my head that there's no reward for me to make any kind of effort when it comes to my parents. In business, we're very pragmatic: do I want to do this project? Do I want to deal with this client? What kind of returns will I make on this investment? Will it be worth my while or is there something better I can do with my time and money? It's merely taking that very calm, pragmatic approach that I employ in business that I have come to the conclusion that I shouldn't speak to my parents ever again as there is simply no reward there for me - my older sisters refuse to do that because they have that Asian mindset of "we are duty bound to have this relationship with our parents regardless." I don't share that Asian mindset and I use my business brain instead in this regard.
Delete@LIFT at least your parents still have 2 kids give a damn about them. My dad had 3 children and 2 of them want nothing to do with him, yours truly included. Only my youngest brother was forced to take care of them and put up with their nonsense. I moved out of home more than 24 years ago...
DeleteAs for building bridges and relationships, it's all about matching it up with the right people. For example, for work stuff, I talk to a few people in my industry whom I not only respect very much for their incredible success, but they've also been very nice people with whom I've developed a close friendship. So let's call one of them by his initials MSK, if MSK pays me a compliment, then it means a lot to me as that's a compliment by someone who is more successful than me in my industry. But if my parents paid me a compliment (that's never happened before, but let's run with this hypothetical situation), it'll still be meaningless as in they're just uneducated working class folks who have no idea what the hell I do for a living in the world of corporate finance. If you asked my mother what I do for a living, she might be able to come up with the word 'investing' but nothing more than that. Likewise, I am passionate about gymnastics and so I get a lot of feedback from my friends who are also gymnasts - yesterday, I trained with another friend ARP who is also a former national champion gymnast, except he is 18 years younger than me and I take ARP's feedback seriously, so again, as in the case of MSK, when ARP pays me a compliment, it means a lot to me. But sigh, when my parents are so uneducated they have no idea what the hell goes on in the modern world nor do they take any interest in the things that I do, like what's the point of even talking to them? I remember a conversation I had with my mother a while ago, my sister asked me something about my latest work project and I started talking about it, then realized it was all quite technical, by which point I already expected my mother to not follow the conversation at all. I asked my sister, "so do you understand what I just explained?" Then almost like a relfex action, my mother said yes yes I understand and I was like, yeah right, you don't understand a thing, you're not educated enough to understand any of it so why did you even say yes you understood? That's why I turn to friends like MSK and ARP to talk, as it's really pointless talking to my family as I'm a lot more highly educated than even my two sisters, so I do struggle a bit when I speak to them and I often wonder, do you understand what I just said? It's pretty bad, like I can switch to Mandarin or Hokkien and they still don't understand me, it's not the language barrier, it's just that they're not that educated.
DeleteHere's another case study: earlier this year, I was given the opportunity to take part in a reality TV programme in the UK. I struggled with the decision, as much as I'd enjoy the fame and the attention, I didn't think it was the right programme for me as I didn't like the format of the show and I felt I had virtually no chance of winning the prize. As I wrestled with the decision, I spoke to for friends: Michael, Vern, Kelvin and Beth, all of whom are experts in reality TV and have even been involved in the casting of other reality TV programmes before. They guided me through that decision and I turned it down eventually, but it was a super tough decision to make. It would've been utterly and totally pointless talking to my family about it - at least 1 sister watches some reality TV programme, the other one works such long hours she has no time for TV and my parents? Forget it. They no concept of what reality TV is and since they hardly know me at all, they cannot begin to understand why I wanted to take part in the show.
DeleteBut my point is simple - in that case study, I turned to four industry experts scattered across three continents to get the best advice that would be helpful to me. That's me using my business brain - if you need advice, you seek out the best experts in the field and get that advice, it is a waste of time talking to idiots who would not be able to understand your situation and help. But wait, if my parents are uneducated idiots who are not in the position to do anything to help me or offer any kind of advice given that I'm in the habit of turning to experts rather than my stupid, uneducated parents who know nothing, then what the heck do I talk to my parents about? I have nothing to talk to them about as they add no value to my life now, they're not even interested in trying to find out what I do so where does that leave us? Hence that's why we're at this status quo whereby I just shrug my shoulders and say, I've nothing to say to them, we have nothing in common and I have better things to do with my time than to try to even have a conversation with them.
Delete@choaniki Like I said, we don't know everything there is to know about a relationship, especially when it comes to writing. We may have very similar experiences to @LIFT with regards to toxic people, however, all it takes to nulify our advice is 1 tiny detail that is lost through writing that is immediately obvious when talking face-to-face. That's why all these relationship "experts" kept making this simple mistake.
Delete@lhw I know @LIFT better than most ppl here. I have met his entire family ( except him mom) and his partner as well. So I know what I am saying when I mention about his family not willing to reconcile.
DeleteI just gotta say I find myself very jealous of people who came from loving and supportive families where their opinion was respected and their well-being was a priority. It's difficult explaining to people I didn't get the same love from one of my parents because some people just don't love anyone but themselves, even their own children. My favorite TV show to explain narcissistic parents is "Succession" on HBO, where a rich CEO of a media company frequently gaslights 3 of his children that he will leave the company to one of them. But everyone has a blindspot. I frequently come to this blog and write very ignorant things about money because I grew up wealthy, and Alex has been very patient with me explaining that not everyone has access to the same resources in society.
Delete@Amanda I envy you. Not only did I have horrible parents growing up, I was dirt poor since ever cent of my meagre allowance I had my brother took from me. Still boomer will like to blame me for not studying hard and going to a good school. Well my brother went to RJC then NUS now he is working for a hospital as an operations manager. Maybe he is well to do, but he made his money slaving for the government. I don't look up to him but instead someone like @LIFT who got rich with his geography degree.
DeleteYeah despite Singapore's rate of social mobility, it only works for a certain kind of person (good at tests, following the rules) and not others. Here in America the average undergrad GPA of a millionaire is 2.5/4.0, because most people make their money starting businesses and innovating instead of being bureaucrats in the government.
DeleteI mean my brother went from lower-middle to upper-middle class I doubt that is called social mobility. He wasn't a Slumdog millionaire. Those feel good stories only happen in movies...
Delete