Hello everyone, Здравствуйте! I am back from Kiev and it was great to be able to travel once again - I was in Kiev for just four days for a shoot. I love traveling a lot because it makes me think of so many issues and the inspiration has given me much food for thought for my blog. In the first part of this Kiev inspired series, I will tell you how I ended up in Kiev for the incredible shoot before delving into more specific stories from Kiev. Don't forget to check out my Instagram to see all my photos and videos from this trip to Kiev. I really like using the Q&A format for posts like these so let's jump right into it.
Q: What were you doing in Kiev?
A: I was an actor/dancer in a beer commercial shot in Kiev over the weekend.
Q: Oh, was it a Ukrainian beer?
A: No, it was a Cambodian beer actually.
Q: What's with all the Eurovision videos?
A: Well, that's a great way for you to learn about one aspect of Ukrainian culture!
Q: Why didn't they just shoot it in Cambodia instead of Ukraine?
A: Due to Covid-related restrictions in Cambodia, it is hard to organize a shoot like that in Cambodia now. In Ukraine, the restrictions are very relaxed - like hardly anyone wears masks, there's no social distancing, it was pretty much business as usual there. For this industry, trying to enforce any kind of mask wearing or social distancing is a massive hindrance to try to get work done. Everyone is tested regularly before turning up on the shoot but apart from that, we just get on with it as if there's no pandemic. Countries like Ukraine are showing that yes we can learn to live with the virus and get back to work rather than put the economy on pause indefinitely like those countries with a zero-tolerance approach to Covid and enforce lockdowns the moment there are a few cases. Heck in the UK, we're getting hundreds of deaths a day and if people don't wanna get vaccinated despite being old, vulnerable and fat - then they are choosing to die from the virus and so we just let them die; you can't save them from their own stupidity if they have a death wish. How is this any different from a heavy smoker or a heavy drinker indulging in habits which are hugely detrimental to their own health - have we banned cigarettes and alcohol yet? Of course not. They wanna die so just let them die whilst the rest of us get back to work. Secondly, the production team in Ukraine is fantastic so they're getting great value for money by shooting in a country like that where the cost of production is cheap but the quality of production is superb. Finally, many of the people involved cannot travel to Cambodia at the moment because of the Covid-restrictions but the borders of Ukraine are open for tourists and business travelers alike, this makes Kiev a convenient destination to get to for a shoot like that.
Q: Was everyone on the shoot from Ukraine?
A: Actually no, it was very international indeed. We had people from the following countries on the set during the shoot: America, UK, Ireland, Netherlands, Russia, India, Korea and Ukraine. The client and creative agency watched every minor detail of the rehearsals and the shoot via Zoom from Singapore and Cambodia. This was such an international mix of people, though the two languages I heard the most on set were English and Russian, along with Dutch and Ukrainian.
A: I don't think I look Cambodian, I grew up in South East Asia, I can tell the difference between South East Asians from various countries. The casting was done all over Europe to find a cast who could pass convincingly as either genuine Cambodians or at least Asian people you would expect to find in Cambodia. There are about 343,000 Chinese Cambodians in Cambodia today along with even more who are mixed with some Chinese blood, so I don't suppose I would look that out of place in Cambodia today. The casting director was from London but all final decisions had to be approved by the client in Cambodia, so someone in Cambodia said yes to putting me in this ad for the Cambodian market. One of the other actors in the ad was a handsome guy who had Korean ancestry but was born locally in Kiev - I didn't think he looked Cambodian either but he definitely had the youthful good looks like one of those super successful K-pop stars. Well I think he looked even less Cambodian than me, even he is definitely a lot more good looking than me!
Q: How long were you there for?
A: I flew in on a Friday and arrived in the early evening. By the time I got to the hotel, we dealt with some paperwork and it was dinner time. Then on Saturday, it was an all day affair with rehearsals and costume fitting, we finished at 7 pm so again, it was just dinner and bed. On Sunday, we had a 5:30 am start (crazy I know) as they had a lot of scenes to shoot but my scenes were finished by 2 pm so I was able to go sightseeing after that. I was so sleep deprived but I just kept going fueled by adrenaline. Then on Monday, I had an evening flight home, so I had the morning and much of the afternoon to do some sightseeing before going to the airport for my Monday evening flight home. I did get to see a lot of the sights in Kiev but it was incredibly rushed, I had to prioritize which to visit and it is such a magnificent capital city with a population of three million; I could easily spend a week there and still not see everything in the Kiev metropolitan area.
Q: Wait, so what did your boss say when you told him you were going to Kiev for this?
A: Oh he was surprisingly relaxed about it - he told me to have fun. He found it hilarious that I am in a beer ad since I don't even drink any alcohol at all. I'm completely teetotal. I'm quite relieved really because I have only just started this job two months ago. But if I may be totally honest, I realize that this isn't going happen that often. It has been a good five years since I was part of a major ad campaign, since my face appeared in a huge mainstream ad so I can't imagine that I'm going to get opportunities like this often, so that was why I was so keen to do this when the opportunity presented itself. I'm of course grateful that my boss was nice about it so I got him a bottle of Ukrainian vodka from Kiev to thank him.
Q: Is it Kiev or Kyiv?A: Well let me explain: in Ukrainian it is Київ ('Kyiv') but in Russian it is Киев ('Kyev') - hence when the city was under Soviet rule, people tended to speak Russian rather than Ukrainian and hence they used the Russian pronunciation which is closer to Kiev. But since independence in 1991 after the collapse of the Soviet Union, the people have preferred to use the Ukrainian pronunciation which is Kyiv. Either way, you will be understood in Kiev as both languages are spoken there (but more on the languages of Kiev in a later post). When they translate signs into English in the city, they now tend to use the spelling Kyiv though I did see Kiev a few times - kinda like how they have tried hard to get everyone to use the new name "Mumbai" but the legacy of the old name "Bombay" will linger regardless as it has been a vital part of the city's identity for so long. Kiev has been the commonly used English spelling of the city hence I am using the spelling Kiev rather than Kyiv as I am writing in English. I suppose it would be like debating whether to call Rome and Milan "Roma" and "Milano" as that's more faithful to the local language or sticking to the commonly used English version of the names.
Q: What's the weather in Kiev like in September?
A: It varies! One afternoon the sun was shining and it got to like 23 degrees, we were rehearsing and I was sweating like crazy. Then the next morning it was raining heavily and only 9 degrees and with the wind blowing, it felt really quite cold.
Q: Did you have to drink beer for the ad?
A: No actually - not at all. In fact we didn't even have any of the beer on set. My scenes did not involve any drinking at all - I can't divulge any details of what I did in the ad but I can say that when we handled the cans of beer on set, they were just props. So these were just empty cans that did not contain any beer inside, though the props department did go to great lengths to get the effects right - they misted the beer cans with water droplets so it looks like it had just been taken out of the fridge and there was condensation on the can's surface because of the hot and humid weather in Cambodia. I also had to be gentle with it as it is pretty easy to crush an empty can if I grip it too hard especially when I am so excited.
Q: So are you paid in beer?
A: No, the contract is for me to paid in Euros. Cold hard cash for me to spend on anything I want. That's a dumb question. Imagine if you worked in a beer factory: would you be paid in beer or cold hard cash? I'm amazed that seemingly intelligent people can come up with such fucking stupid questions and I kid you not: every time I do an ad, people ask me the same fucking stupid question. Like if I did an ad for a chocolate for example, they think I will be paid in chocolate rather than cold hard cash: where do I even fucking begin? So even if it was meant to be a joke, it is not funny.
Q: Why is your contract negotiated in Euros rather than pounds despite the fact that you're in the UK?
A: Well most international projects involving individuals and companies from various countries would require the payments to be stipulated in a major currency: it is usually US dollars but in this case it is the Euro and that's fine by me.
Q: Have you been to Ukraine before?
A: No it was my first time in fact. As my reader Amanda said, she was surprised I've not been there before and I don't have a reason why - it is stunningly beautiful and very affordable. There are direct flights from London so I don't have any excuses. It has been somewhere I had wanted to visit for a very long time and I'm so glad I finally got to do it. My long term aim is to visit every country in Europe and now that I've done Ukraine, the only countries left on that list are Belarus, Moldova and Serbia! I was almost tempted to get them to fly me back by Moldova but with the Covid situation and the fact that I really ought to get back to work, I decided to be sensible and opt for a direct flight home. Kiev reminds me very much of St Petersburg; it was after all the third biggest city in the USSR whilst St Petersburg was second and the biggest one, of course, was Moscow - I had such a wonderful time there and yes I will definitely return in the future, but when I return for a holiday next time, I will revise my Russian and Ukrainian before going, so that I could hit the ground running!
Q: Did you have to pay for your flights, hotels, food etc on this trip?
A: No! Everything was taken care of. They booked the flights for me, I was picked up by a driver at the airport who drove me to the hotel in central Kiev which they had arranged for me. I had a driver assigned to me who drive me everywhere, they also gave me a generous daily allowance in local currency just in case I wanted to go out shopping, sightseeing or have a meal. If anything went wrong, I had an English speaking young man on the production team to speak to and his job was simply to take care of all the foreign actors on the shoot. They even sorted out all the Covid-tests that I had to do to travel. This is why I love doing shoots like that because I love being treated like a VIP superstar. And today, I was back at the office and whilst I'm grateful for the stable job that gives me financial stability, I also missed being in Kiev as it was so incredibly fun, it was such an adventure and to be paid to do all that, to have the privilege of working with Ukraine's most famous choreographer for this project, oh wow it was a dream come true and I am very grateful for the opportunity.
That's it from me for now, in the next part I will be focusing on more specific aspects of my experiences in beautiful Kiev - I have at least three themes to explore in the next few posts. Please leave a comment below, many thanks for reading.
I believe Kiev has much to offer as a tourist destination, but eastern Europe tends to be overlooked by the international travellers. I'm definitely for going back to business as usual mode, instead of impeding the economy for an irrational minority group. Btw, would you know if the beer ad be shown outside of Cambodia?
ReplyDeleteWell I think Kiev has a lot to offer: so much history and culture, pretty good food, a decent public transport system and such great value for money. I would spent the equivalent of £8 / US$11 / S$15 in a top restaurant in town, have way too much good food and that's between a third to a quarter of what you would pay in a place like London. Even in the train station, the signs are in Ukrainian and English. But the only problem is that most locals don't speak any English - I went into a big department store in the main shopping district of Khreschatyk street and the staff there only spoke Ukrainian and Russian, zero English and this was in a posh, expensive shop. I speak some Russian of course but if I didn't then I would have had trouble traveling around on my own (but that's what Google translate is for).
DeleteOh I went out for drink with my boss today after work and definitely, London is back to normal. Some people are wearing masks but otherwise life is as back to normal as it can get. And no, the ad won't be shown outside Cambodia at all as all the dialog in the ad were entirely in Khmer (Cambodian). But hopefully, it will be on Youtube and we can see it there - it features a popular Asian song in it so hopefully, it will get attention from countries like the Philippines, Indonesia and Malaysia.
Dear Limpehft,
ReplyDeleteThanks for writing this blog which I find very interesting. I have a career-related question for you, but I cannot find your email address. Hence, I am posting this in the comment section. I welcome you to post my situation as a case study in a standalone post, it is ok with me.
I am female, mid-late 30s, middle management. I was transferred to a department where the female boss has created an environment of constant hostility.
She uses the tone and volume of her voice and the pitch of her speech to deliver an attitude of contempt for her staff. She often casts angry and hateful looks, creating an atmosphere of intimidation. While she does avoid voicing anything illegal, she plays close to the edge by using insults and bullying tactics. My assessment of her behaviour is objective, as other colleagues have concurred on my observation. It is the general consensus that she is abusive.
Her behaviour is unprovoked - meaning it is triggered by her internal state of mind. When she is in a bad mood, she does not hesitate to "share" it. She makes it her right and prerogative to shout in the office.
Although her behavior is generally collateral, there are different shades to it. Among her many staff, she has subsets of favorites, whom she directs her negative behavior to a lesser degree. I belong to the lower quartile who tends to attract her ire.
It is observed, nevertheless, that she is capable of fair assessments during performance review. Staff have also been given fair promotions under her.
The problem that I have now is that being the lower quartile, I bear the brunt of her unprovoked emotional outbursts. I feel disrespected and belittled in her presence.
I have considered the following and came to the conclusions that:
1) It is not worth having the "classic talk" with her. Others before me have tried to do so before me. Her response is that being talked at by the boss is part of parcel of working life, like it or not. She sees it as pettiness on the part of the employee to feel what they feel about her.
2) I have tried consciously and conscientiously to break the ice with her to get into her favor, but failed. There is a personality mismatch between us that will not be practicable to bridge.
2) I have considered my feelings of being disrespected by her and decided that these feelings are legitimate enough for me to take action in terms of bringing about an exit strategy. Other existing colleagues are either actively ignoring her despite her bad behaviour, or have decided to put up with it due to lack of career alternatives, or are in that subset that does not tend to be subject to so much abuse.
My question to you, Limpehft, is:
1) Is her kind of behavior common? She justifies her behavior by suggesting that she is entitled to do so as a supervisor. (Background: my company is a professionally-run company, not a family-owned organisation, and she is not known to have extra-professional ties with any C-suite persons in the company) Or has such open lack of professionalism by a supervisor been consigned to history as hierarchies flatten in the workplace?
2) Am I being naive to factor in her disrespectful behaviour in deciding whether to stay or leave a company? In my situation, I have decided that there is not enough incentive for me to suffer her behavior due to the following:
(i) the current salary I am drawing is mediocre for its rank and job scope
(ii) while there is career progression and some brand equity to the company name, I do not see how they are irreplaceable
Do you see any situation where an employee should look past disrespect by his supervisor in exchange of greater self-interest?
Pls advise your thoughts
Thank you
Hi there FSG, I am sorry for the short reply here. I need to get to work very soon and for some reason, I wrote a long reply and the stupid computer crashed just as I was trying to publish it. So instead, I am going to do a series of shorter replies here before the computer does the same thing again.
Delete1. Firstly, I wanna start by expressing my deep concern for your mental health and well being because that's the most important part: I empathize with you, I feel for you, I am concerned about you. Please let me know you're okay in dealing with all of this as I think it's all contingent on you being strong enough to cope with the crazy environment you are in. All this crap isn't fair of course, you don't deserve this and you deserve much better. OK gonna try to post this and see if it crashes or not.
Okay phew that worked. My computer can drive me nuts sometimes.
Delete2. Yeah I witnessed a lot of that behaviour in one place: the army when I was serving NS. It wasn't the real world where there are real consequences for your actions, it was a consequence free environment where people could act with impunity and do whatever the hell they want and get away with it as that was the culture. But in the real world, if you go too far and behave like an asshole at work, you will develop a bad reputation, people will hate you, it will come back to haunt you and that's why most people with decent social skills will check their behaviour at work and be more careful with the way they act around others. I must point out that what your boss is doing isn't normal or acceptable, no way - the fact is everyone including myself will at some stage experience frustration, anger, rage and it's then a matter of how we deal with it. In Freudian psychology, we talk about the balance between the Id and the Superego. So for example, I get angry with my colleague - my id response is for me to punch him in the face and then go on to beat him up by smashing the computer over his head, to inflict as much harm as possible. But my superego says, if you do that, it is assault - there are consequences and you will go to jail, your career and life will be ruined. So I weigh out my options sensibly and I then find a way to deal with the situation where I make my feelings known to my colleague about what he has done wrong and get him to acknowledge his faults without giving in to my first instinct to punch him in the face as that's merely venting my anger. We learn this from the time we're infants with toilet training - our id response is, "I feel the urge to poo now". Young babies with no self awareness will just poo when they feel the urge but as young school children, we're trained not to do that until we're safely in the bathroom. So say we're in the classroom, we are taught to raise our hand and ask the teacher for permission to go to the toilet. That's a simple example of how we train children to mitigate our id vs superego responses to a situation and it takes good social skills to be in control of our feelings in order to deal with anger, rage and frustration in a very mature manner. Of course, I've written loads about social skills, especially adults with poor social skills, on my blog having suffered a terrible childhood as my parents are extremely autistic and have absolutely zero social skills. They gave in to their id all the time like babies with no self control - so if I did something wrong, instead of using their superego to think, "how do I explain to my son what he did was wrong and get him to change his behaviour, so he will not make the same mistake again", no their id response kicks in, they punch me in the face and we never get to them ever trying to reason with me. Ironically, I witnessed their awful mistakes for so many years and resolved to become a much better person rather than end up as fucked up as my parents - go figure. I think many Singaporeans actually end up like your boss because they have parents like mine who have zero social skills and give in to their id response without any element of self control.
3. Are you being naive in not being willing to put up with her bullshit? Again, no I don't think so. From what I have observed, I realize everyone normalizes bullshit. Allow me to give you a simple example: I have already told you that my parents would regularly beat the crap out of me when I was a kid, well in primary school I used to sit next to this girl who had it far, far worse and her arms and legs were covered in cane marks and other nasty bruises inflicted by her parents. This was the 1980s of course and the concept of child abuse was foreign in Singapore, this kind of behaviour was normalized, even condoned by Singaporeans. The teacher would look at my classmate's bruises and say caustic remarks like, "see what happens when you make your parents angry? Why don't you behave better, don't make your parents upset with you!" It was completely victim-blaming of course and I'd like to think that in 2021, we're one generation later - that incident I just described actually happened in 1985. But from what you've described, nothing or little has changed in terms on that mentality. Yeah you may have the latest iPhones today in Singapore but your mentality when it comes to normalizing abusive behaviour is still stuck in 1985. I simply don't see a correlation between putting up with bad behaviour and career progression - rather I see your boss's poor behaviour as a major obstacle, it is hindering you from performing your job properly if she is creating such a toxic environment. If you're willing to play office politics to get into her good books (ie. doing it by her rules), then that's your choice but if you don't wanna do that, then please I beg of you, find another job and leave as soon as possible! I know what I would do. Look, I'm the only Asian in my company, the only immigrant, the only openly gay guy here - yet they treat me with respect on the basis of what I bring to the company because they don't care if I am gay/straight, white/black, man/woman/trans, old/young - the only thing they care about is how much business I can bring to the company and they're so pragmatic like that, only money matters and that's cool cos I know where I stand with them! I can be myself, I don't have to play the social game or get involved in office politics as long as I am bloody good at my job. FSG, you can't be good at your job if your boss is such a psycho bitch - that's the bottom line. And I know we're in the middle of a pandemic but it's not as if there's no good jobs out there. I say this as a 45 year old man who changed jobs this summer and I had 3 job offers within 72 hours of me leaving my old company - I've now settled into my new job and I'm so much happier here. I could go into more details but that's another story for another blog post methinks. But definitely, please, from what you've described to me, please I do think you definitely need to move onto a less toxic environment. My take on your story is that you can't change the situation by trying to challenge her personally or going to HR to change her behaviour - I would simply take the path of least resistance by leaving and finding greener pastures. I believe in you and trust that there will be a much better workplace out there waiting for you. Then hey, you'll be in my position right now. I'll jump to the punchline as I have to get on with work now: but I did look back yesterday and thought, holy shit why didn't I change jobs years ago? I'm in a much better position today. I'm so much happier in this new company and hindsight is 2020.
DeleteListen I really really must dash now, do respond please and I will chat to you here later today once I am back from work okay? I'm 7 hours behind you in London so I'll be back here about 6 pm London time (add 7 hours for Singapore); catch you later.
DeleteDear LimpehFT,
DeleteThank you for taking the time to answer me, I value this.
For context, I am not the most streetsmart person out there. I am self-aware that I am not someone with the deepest social experience, and my exposure in life is not the widest. Hence, I seek opinion from others whether the problem lies with me in that I lack savvy/magnanimity regarding my supervisor, or she has really breached the line in terms of what is widely accepted behavior.
Thank you for confirming that she is toxic and that we need not hesitate to change a toxic situation. And it is true that the way she stirs up resentment in me has destroyed my sense of motivation at work, making me unwilling to do my best.
Whenever I reflect on her behavior, I feel very saddened. Why do people like that exist? She treats the workplace as an extension of her emotional and mental state, forcing her employees to become prisoners within it. I have an insight as to why she abuses me. She deems that I am eager about the job, feels that this gives her the upper hand and accordingly free reign in hazing me. She cannot imagine that I would ever give up on her as it is her belief that I am desperate to remain in her department. Those who have nowhere else to go make the best victims. Thus, she classified me in the lowest quartile, someone whom she can unleash her ugliest colors to – from her view there is simply no consequence for bad behavior.
I see her for exactly what she is and I see my situation for exactly what it is that I have been bullied by a bully. For the first time in my life, at the grand old age of mid-late 30s. For days, I had no peace in my heart as I mulled over this. While some people in my shoes may shield themselves with denial, I was utterly honest with myself about my situation. I felt indignant and saddened. The resolve to change the situation arose at the same time.
Stockholm syndrome. As a coping mechanism, some of my colleagues say good things about her, saying that she is “not that bad” as she does give fair performance review despite her hate-filled interactions with her subordinates. Some say that she is a person whose bark is worse than her bite, and that her outbursts are actually pretty hilarious if you put on a certain type of lense to view them. But I am not persuaded by any of these arguments. First and foremost, I am not sufficiently incentivised (my mediocre salary) to make myself adapt an alternative angle.
Deep in my heart, I have faith that as long as one is willing and able to contribute, there will be alternative jobs. I am willing to do anything to improve my situation. Thank you for sharing that you have managed to change jobs so successfully – I love real life success stories such as yours that remind us that positive changes are possible.
Keep on blogging.
Hi there FSG. I am back from work now and thank you for your response. I love talking to my readers like this and this is one of my primary motivations to blog. What you have written reminds me of my sister when we were younger - my parents were very abusive and had no social skills whatsoever; when it came to anger management, they would hit first and reason later (or never). But that's the kind of toxic culture we have in Singapore FSG - it isn't just your boss per se, it's the entire goddamn society that is like that and such is the context which allows her to get away with this kind of behaviour. But when we were kids, my sister refused to accept the fact that we had really fucked up parents - so instead of having the guts to confront the truth that we were cursed with fucked up parents, she internalized the pain and blamed herself. Till this day, she still defends our parents whereas I'm like, yeah my parents are seriously fucked up and that's why I ran away to London to get away from them. I blame them whilst she thinks that somehow our parents were only that cruel to her because she wasn't a good daughter - that's some seriously fucked up shit I swear. It's beyond Stockholm syndrome, it's this inability to accept the truth plus a lot of cultural bullshit that comes with it all. Just because other people around you at work choose to do that doesn't mean you have to do the same - you are an adult and you have the choice to move on, or at least deal with the situation on your own terms. Empower yourself by at the very least making your own point of view 100% totally valid - speak to people like me who will empathize and understand your POV, whilst ignoring those at work who will try to convince you that everything is okay.
DeleteBut Stockholm syndrome only refers to situations where you can't get out - like when I was a young kid, I couldn't just run away from home as a 7 year old no matter how fucked up my parents were. When I was in the army, I couldn't just run away to another country without having completed my national service. But the moment I was old enough and completed my NS, I was out of Singapore on the first available flight to start my new life abroad the moment there was nothing else holding me back from my freedom. FSG, you're not a young child, you're certainly not serving national service - I ask you hence, what's holding you back from seeking greener pastures? Like what's your excuse for not resigning and finding a better job with a much more conducive work environment?
I promise you that the moment you start work somewhere else less toxic, you will look back and say, holy shit I'm so glad Alex talked me into quitting because that place was seriously fucked up. I see you as someone suffering from the battered wife syndrome. You're the wife who gets the shit kicked out of you by an abusive spouse but you stay there everyday thinking that you're worthless and deserve the abuse you receive - I'm here to tell you that you're wrong, you don't deserve this. All this coping mechanism you've written up there - well sorry, that's stupid bullshit. You shouldn't be coping with this abuse - you should be resigning and leaving ASAP, because you have the choice to do so. I didn't have a choice when I was a young kid with fucked up parents. I didn't have a choice when I was in NS. Thus I am baffled that as a free woman, you're choosing to picture yourself as this pathetic battered wife seeking sympathy for the abuse you receive yet you go back day after day and literally say, "go on, abuse me again, so I feel even more sorry for myself." Holy shit, FSG, only you can stop this cycle of abuse and I'm telling you that you need to resign today. No ifs, no buts, you need to listen to me and instead of your friends/colleagues who are devoid of basic common sense.
Hi FSG, I want you to know that I do care and I wanna help, I hope I don't come across as too harsh and if I did I'm sorry. As someone who has suffered exactly what you did (at the hands of my parents, then in the army), I want you to know that I totally empathize and understand. But I want to make it clear - whilst you're sharing with me your coping strategies, I need to tell you that I do not approve of what you're doing because I think it's completely wrong that you're doing all that because you're too afraid to remove yourself from the abuse so you start to rationalize it and excuse it. Don't do that. That's wrong. I cannot condone it and I must tell you in no uncertain terms that what you're doing is plain wrong and you must stop. You must save yourself. What you're doing by coping is oh so totally wrong. I don't want you to come here, vent your anger and then go right back to suffering in that abusive environment next week. I would be letting you down and doing you a disservice if I allowed that to happen.
DeleteHi FSG. Workplace bullying should never be tolerated by anyone. If everyone suddenly left this manager of yours would be in big trouble indeed. Try to talk to your friends and ask how their bosses are, not to necessarily work for them but imagine a life working in a non toxic environment to motivate your job search. Wishing you all the best! Your mental health is worth it, find a job working under people who do value and respect you.
DeleteHi there Amanda, it is very kind of you to leave FSG a message here. Thank you.
DeleteSigh Amanda, I think I know what is going on. It's the classic battered wife syndrome. FSG wants sympathy but isn't prepared to leave her job; maybe she lacks the confidence to find a better job (or even another job), maybe she thinks we're in the middle of a pandemic and she should be grateful to be gainfully employed. She doesn't quite have the chutzpah to resign, walk out that front door with her head held high, knowing that another company will be lucky to hire someone as talented and brilliant as her. That's why a lot of battered wives stay with their abusive husbands - they fear being alone, unloved, ignored and they think the prospect of being single is worse than their current abuse. In FSG's case, she probably believes that she will be unemployed if she leaves her current job so she doesn't wanna hear what we have to say. I wanna be supportive and helpful but I find it morally hard to condone what she is doing to cope with the abuse. I don't know what to do Amanda, as much as I wanna help.
DeleteI also think being in one's late 30s is still pretty young, that's a whole lot of life left to enjoy preferably stress free. But I did read something about how people don't realize someone is bad because of what other's say, but instead this happens when the bad person does one thing that really crosses the line. We've all had this moment, I'm sure you were fine with your old job until that one incident happened where you tried to help but instead got scolded instead. Just need to wait for the straw that breaks the camel's back.
DeleteBtw, how's London lately? Everything back to normal yet?
I think you have hit the nail on the head when you have pointed out that this is the kind of thing that you can only see clearly with hindsight - kinda like how I stayed in my previous job for 5 years cos I thought it was alright but now I'm in a better company, I look back and think, holy shit what took me that long to leave? There's a lot more bullshit that happened after I left - they are now refusing to pay me some money that they owe me and that's because my former boss called me up recently, asked me to come back to work and I was like, I think you forgot that a) you sacked me in May and b) I've got a new job, therefore I cannot come back but I can try to help you find someone if you wish. I think he felt like I snubbed him by turning down his offer - I wasn't rude about it but I had to say no but being vindictive and petty, he found a technicality to refuse to pay me that last bit of money he owes me. I actually went to a few experts in the industry for their opinion and I was told that what he did was vindictive and petty but not completely illegal; it's down to the loopholes in my contract with them but the bottom line is, it boils down to whether or not they feel it is worth keeping that relationship with me or for that sum of money, it is worth burning that bridge. So I'm like, fine, you wanna make an enemy, that's your choice but the other conclusion was that I could make far more money focusing my energies & emotions on my new job than to get drawn into a long legal battle to try to get them to cough up part or all of that money they owe me. There's no concept of loyalty in this business - I worked there for 5 years but once it is clear that I've moved onto a better job, they can't wait to stab me in the back and leave that dagger in my back as a parting gift. Geez. The last time I worked 8 years in a company and left, the boss actually bought me a nice gift. I will blog more about the situation in London another time.
DeleteOmg that is a very toxic situation indeed. No point looking back and being angry while fighting a court battle, just focus on your new workplace where you can earn way more than your last job. You're right there is no loyalty in almost any business. People almost always give gifts to people they think are benefitting them, but will hardly stick to their word if they are not, like in the case of paying you after you left the company. It blows my mind how salty people get when employees leave a company. Why should an employee be so loyal when the company could easily replace them? It's all strictly business. A company shouldn't think just because they have power doesn't put them on higher footing than an employee if there isn't a glut of employees available. At the high end where profits are based on innovation rather than manual labor, companies actually have to compete for the best workers. What kinda business do these high end companies think they're running? A supermarket?
DeleteOh yeah holy shitballs, it's beyond toxic. But I'm moving on with my life, I had a very good meeting this afternoon with a client with a Russian name. We were quite happily speaking Russian then she said she is actually from Kiev - you oughta have seen her face when I switched to Ukrainian. My boss is super impressed with the work I am doing here whilst my old boss is finding ways to stab me in the back as a parting gift. If your leaving gift is a dagger plunged deep into your back, then you know it is time to move on with your life. I have found greener pastures and I hope that FSG will do so too sooner rather than later.
DeleteI always wonder what people think they can achieve by antagonizing someone... but then again humans are petty animals and anger isn't rational most of the time. Even I'm subject to angry outbursts if I don't think logically. That's cool you got to use your expertise in Russian/Ukrainian not just for acting but for work too. Did you tell the client you were recently in Kiev?
DeleteBtw I just read your most recent post. That was very kind of you to involve the actors in the non-speaking parts in learning your lines. Every actor dreams of landing significant speaking roles, so even though it wasn't important for the job it was a nice thing to do. Being nice only costs something if people take you for granted, like your old boss.
Yeah I told them I've just returned from Kiev but I didn't tell them why - I think I'll save that for another time. She wants to now take me to a Ukrainian restaurant in London and I say yes please, tak budlaska! I got further information btw about why my old boss stabbed me in the back, but it's a complicated story for another (but it still doesn't excuse his behaviour). The fact is this kind of shit happens in sales all the time when people are stabbing each other in the back for commissions - I am just glad I'm in a better, safer, nicer environment now which is why I really feel frustrated about FSG's case.
DeleteYeah blurting that you were the lead actor in a Cambodian beer commercial to a client is not good social skills. Best to drip feed over dinner if she asks what you did there. I hope y'all have a wonderful evening and that the client has a lot of interesting stories herself. Yeah you told me sales is super cutthroat, but at least you got out relatively unscathed, and in a better position too. No point looking back.
DeleteOh Amanda, I can write a whole blog post about how this episode has left me thinking. I met this woman at my gymnastics club on Sunday, she has a simple life: she is a school teacher and does gymnastics on the weekend. She does seem relatively happy and it is not a stressful job she has. There is a part of me that was envious of her because she isn't pushed to succeed the way I have been pushing myself. I lost money on a bad investment this year and with my former boss refusing to pay me the last chunk of money he owes me, I actually 'lost' more money this year than any other year in my life. Now some people in this position would turn to alcohol or fall into deep depression over losing this much money but I thought that taking it out on myself or feeling sorry for myself is oh so totally pointless and that's why I'm channeling my emotional response through my new job. I want to be mega-super successful at my job as they say that success is the best form of revenge to show others who have wronged you that they have only spurred you on to become a better person rather than destroy you.
DeleteHeck, just last Thursday, I was in the office with my CEO and his wife came in, I told her about what happened and then she told him to speak to me. In the end, they insisted on taking me out for drinks so I could get it all off my chest. My CEO isn't the kind of person who has great social skills - no he makes the product (ie. he does all the investment magic) whilst the sales people like me face the clients. I've heard stories about him being a real bull in a china shop when it came to social skills (long stories for another day) but yet at the end of the evening, he said to me, "just take a taxi home and claim it on expenses." It made me realize that the only response I can come up with thus is to work super hard at this new company in order to make things right for myself. I have been given a good opportunity and I am indeed grateful for it.
Hey Alex. That's sad to hear you made a bad investment and had your last paycheck withheld. But the bad investment was just bad luck, whilst fighting a legal battle against a shitty ex-boss is probably not worth it. It's probably not that big of a dent in your net worth, but the advantage of being a white collar professional is the ability to earn more money. I'm sure you'll make it back.
DeleteAww that was nice of your boss and his wife to console you. At least they seem to be fostering a good environment.
Still Amanda, as so many people pointed out - it's the principle of the matter and whilst the rational part of me tells me to walk away as it is not worth it, I just hate the thought of giving him what he wants. Such is the challenge of having to be rational as opposed to emotional, it's the biggest challenge of my social skills. As for my boss & his wife, well - they're trying to be nice and the context is this: I'll not repeat the whole story but I have heard a nasty story of my CEO once being quite a selfish person who had poor social skills. We go to a restaurant near my office quite often and I know one of the older waiters who works there - this was before I joined the company. One day the older waiter had a fit (like it was quite serious), he collapsed on the ground and was clearly having a nasty seizure. Instead of helping him, my boss made a caustic remark joking about the situation - now to be fair, there were probably a lot of people in the restaurant willing and able to help that waiter anyway so it wouldn't have been down to my boss to call an ambulance etc (that's what the duty manager at the restaurant is for) but for him to make a joke about the situation was just in very poor taste. And so that's why I thought, this man is another Carrie - brilliant at what he does but poor social skills. So that's why when he made the effort to take me out for a drink with his wife, I actually thought, okay for a man not known for his good social skills, he's really making an effort to be nice to me and that's special. Whereas I have my Canadian friend Mercedes from my gym and she is the first person I run to when I need someone to talk to as she is Miss Social Skills - She is the person with the best social skills in the world and so in sharp contrast to my boss, she trades on her social skills in her job whilst people like Carrie & my boss are brilliant at other things, so for what it is worth, I really appreciate my boss trying to make an effort to be nice to me. It reminds me that I am appreciated and cherished by this current company.
DeleteYeah I knew you'd say it was a matter of principle considering you once asked a restaurant for a refund even though it was only 3 Euros and you had already arrived in London whilst the restaurant was in Portugal haha(I think, maybe it was Spain...). But taking legal action is going to take more time than writing an angry restaurant review online. Maybe the money is worth it, maybe not. I dunno how much money we're talking about compared to how much you could earn focusing on your new job.
DeleteOoh that restaurant story reminds me of the movie Parasite. Where there was a garden party and a rich boy had a fit which caused everyone to panic about calling an ambulance, but nobody could care less that two of the house staff were bleeding out and dying too. Still, at least your boss tried for you. But yeah everyone has their strengths and weaknesses.
Alex, I have to ask... does it pay to be handsome/pretty and charming in an interview? Even for a super technical role? I just met this coworker who is a tall, handsome, charming national athlete rock-climber. But this guy doesn't seem to be overly technical, some days I think he's just fancy manual labor being told what to do and assemble things. But he managed to get into a job working at MIT as a high school student. Many nerds who do nothing but study math/code in high school and trade bitcoin would've killed for that opportunity, yet they gave it to a rock-climber. I sorta feel like if it does matter (and you'll probably tell me it does because "life is not fair" and people are shallow), then I actually have to work on not being a socially awkward nerd in adulthood like Carrie or your boss to succeed.
Oh yeah and I did get the 3 euros back along with an apology. And yes it was in Portugal. I pick my battles - I know my former employer has a very complex set up where the payment I was due was coming out of an offshore account and so if I wanted to sue them, they could then turn the finger and say, "you need to so this offshore company not us", then trying to go after an offshore company is virtually impossible under normal British law because it's not the same as suing a company operating in the UK. It's very complex and they have deliberately set it up like that to protect themselves in such cases - but the bottom line is that it's going to be a long shot at best and I am honest enough to say I should cut my losses even though they're in the wrong, I'm the innocent victim here and it is so freaking frustrating that they can get away with this but I simply have to choose to be rational not emotional because I should make this decision based on my anger but the chances of me being able to recover the money.
DeleteYup, I recall that scene in Parasite - look, I came from a poor family, that's why when I heard that story of my boss making fun of that waiter having a seizure in the restaurant, well let's just say it pressed all the wrong buttons with me. I wasn't impressed, I think at best it was a poor attempt at humour in very bad taste but that's what rich people do. When you're that freaking rich, you can get away with things like that. The fact is I am very useful to my boss cos I work for him, I play an important role in his business so that's his motivation to try to be nice to me but the waiter, well he's just a lowly waiter bringing him food to the table hence that's why he was treated thus. I don't know - I feel sorry for the waiter as he is an old man who doesn't come across as particularly intelligent but he is very polite to everyone. That's why people like that work as waiters in restaurants.
As for looking beautiful in an interview - I think it depends on the other party. If a pretty woman showed up at an interview with me, her beauty would have no effect on me as a gay man. Likewise if she faced an older woman, it might press all the wrong buttons with the older woman who might get jealous or view her as a potential trouble maker in the office. Recently I was in charge of appointing a contractor to do something for our company and of course I was swayed by looks - the company we picked in the end had assigned two guys to woo us, one of whom is a hot DILF character. Their closest competitor sent a woman to come to pitch us and of course I went with Mr DILF. Oh he called me up earlier today and I was like, "ooh hello, how are you? To what do I owe the honour?" I wasn't the decision maker as to which company to pick but my boss delegates stuff like that to me as he is way too busy so yeah, sorry to the lady who had no effect on me but effectively, it was my decision in this case. So yes, we're in a very shallow world. Heck, had I been a straight man, I might have probably picked the contractor who sent that woman to pitch us. So I hope I answered your question?
What the hell, offshore company? Sounds a little sketchy unless every company does this for tax purposes. Yeah not much point filing an international lawsuit. Life isn't fair, a rich company can get away with this but not a small restaurant.
DeleteHmm, if your boss was a poor man going to a McDonalds and making that kind of remark then he'd definitely be kicked out and never welcome again. But in the case of a high end restaurant they go all the way to make their guests feel good. I do feel sorry for such a waiter because they are probably held to a higher standard than a McDonalds worker, but probably not paid much more.
Lol what a story, so you would be biased towards hiring a handsome rock-climber instead of me! Well thanks for making me laugh haha. Ahh whatever... life isn't fair... I remember you mentioned a story about having a female coworker once who targeted old men exclusively with offers to "celebrate" if they closed a deal. And you complained you don't have the same advantage as your female coworker. I guess I tolerate having to say the right things at work, why don't I tolerate having to look the right way? This reminds me of one your previous posts about "Tiong" who liked a pretty girl who didn't like him back. Of course to get the girl he has to be just as handsome as she is pretty, else he's gonna be outbid by more handsome guys. I just didn't think this mattered in jobs, but then again female lawyers have to dress nice, and if handsome rock-climbers are trying to be scientists then I have some serious competition.
Well it is sketchy - it is done to evade taxes for the clients, long story short, it is not completely illegal either but you've used the right word. It is sketchy, hence I knew what my chances were in dealing with this situation. As for the situation with the waiter having a fit, I think sometimes rich people get away with poor social skills and think they are funny. Would I go to my boss and say, "what you did was morally repulsive, even if it was an attempt at humour, it was in very bad taste and not funny at all?" No, I can't do that - it's not my place to do that since a) he's my boss b) I wasn't even in the restaurant at that time, this was dating back to early this year before I joined the company. So he gets away with it, like no harm was done. I don't think anyone would have expected him to leap into action and offer first aid, the most I would have done in such a situation was to alert another member of staff at the restaurant that this waiter was clearly unwell and someone needed to get him medical attention (and this had been done already at that time), so to make a joke about the situation didn't contribute to this waiter being very unwell at that time but nonetheless, that's the kind of thing that rich people will get away with. There's no feedback when you're seemingly untouchable. Even if the other staff at the restaurant were angry with his bad joke, like you said, he's a customer who spends a lot of money there at that restaurant thus making him untouchable. But for someone like that to wanna be nice to me, okay, such is the context - we're living in a complex, imperfect world.
DeleteAs for me choosing the DILF over the lady, well the lady had the chance to pitch my boss as well but she didn't leave enough of an impression with my straight boss - that was why when I said let's hire the DILF, my boss said sure fine, that sounds great. The DILF (I trust you understand the acronym) is actually an older guy with fine manners, dresses in a nice suit and is super polite and attentive to all his clients and I like the fact that he treats me with respect. So it's not like it's all about sex appeal per se, but in a formal and more subtle way, he wooed me over with his charms and manners and as someone who values social skills, I wanted to reward someone with better social skills. So it's not a beauty pageant - we're not competing on the basis of looks, but it is the whole package. You want someone to like you and favour you, get them to like you. Even an exceedingly beautiful woman will have to work at it because her beauty will have zero effects on a gay man like me or indeed an older woman who may be insecure or jealous of that stunningly beautiful woman in the office. So it's not just looks per se but social skills - it is the whole package.
Ehh I guess I'm not surprised, the big tech giants also use offshore accounts to avoid paying corporate taxes. Apple has billions in overseas money that everyone knows about. Sounds like your boss was born rich, and grew up with other rich kids and hardly interacted with poor people. But if it was another rich guest at the restaurant having a fit and he made a joke, I think it would have been less bad because the other rich guest and him are on even footing while him and the waiter are not. The rich aren't overly sensitive about power differences like this I suppose.
DeleteThat reminds me, recently my roommate had a disagreement with another student assigned to help her settle in. It was because she asked the student guide, let's call her "Angela", where to buy winter clothes and Angela replied "just buy them anywhere." What my roommate was really asking was "where do I buy affordable clothes to fit my student budget?", but Angela is from a rich family and is not as price-conscious as my roommate who is working class. However my roommate took that as a slight. Maybe if Angela was poor, it could be taken as a slight because she would be knowingly withholding vital information. Also, I suppose its little things like this that turn off working class people from attending university in the west.
I know what a DILF is, I'm a straight woman haha. Yeah I suppose I don't actually put effort to charm people when I'm speaking about science. I just go "Math math math math, math math", but lately because I work with people who don't touch math(including handsome rock-climber), I've had to improve on that. It does remind me though... one could be brilliant at math, but if they have bad social skills people will automatically assume they are stupid. One can't be amazing at one skill, but below average at all other skills, at least at the resume and interview stage.
Btw, I think I'll give gymnastics a try. I found a gym that is a 20 minute drive away. I'll sign up for a couple lessons as soon as I get my new car. They also offer parkour lessons too at the same place.
Hiya Amanda. Let's put it this way, I know what my brain is doing subconsciously - I grew up with a father who was always trying to find fault with rich people making fun of poor people because he was insecure about his brother (my uncle) being so ridiculously rich. So in this case, I found an example of a rich man making fun of a poor man, cracking a joke in very bad taste and there was a part of me (from my childhood) that instantly thought, okay rich people are evil, I knew it. But then again, you're right - had it been a rich person having a fit, he probably would have made fun of that rich person as well. And to be fair, he didn't cause the fit, he didn't make things any worse - he just made a crude joke about the situation (whilst the restaurant staff did attend to the waiter who was unwell). Mind you, we passed by that place today and I actually said hi to that old waiter.
DeleteLet me know how you get on with gymnastics/parkour! From next week onwards, I will be a volunteer coach with my alumni's gymnastics club which has started up again and so I will be coaching university students twice a week from next week. I'm so excited and looking forward to it.
I almost forgot to ask, what did this DILF look like? Any famous actors that resemble him? So far I have not figured out your taste in men, aside from the fact that you seem to disagree with my taste in men haha.
DeleteI feel so bad for my roommate who sometimes worries rich students will look down on her for not having access to the same things. But that is a legitimate fear because if a rich student does do that, because of the social power differential she can't just tell them off. Classism is not the same as racism, sexism, or homophobia which can be reported to the university and potentially get a student suspended or even expelled. Likewise a rich guest having a fit at a restaurant and being made fun of can tell your boss to go fuck himself, but a poor waiter cannot.
Yup I'll let you know after a couple lessons. I've always wanted to do a backflip, maybe they'll teach me how. Ooh you're coaching UCL gymnasts? Did you do gymnastics while a uni student?
Hmmm. This DILF is an older guy, glasses, formal, always in a suit, has a statesman like quality about him. Dignified, learned, polite, treats me with respect, it's not one thing but the whole package. As for a stereotype of what I want, I like Harvey Spectre because of what he represents. As for your poorer classmate, I think she will figure out eventually that she doesn't need to be everyone's friend - she just needs to find her own friends whom she can get along very well with. As for the waiter, I'd hope that he was not aware of who said what during his fit and that he didn't hear the bad joke. Yes I was not only the captain of the gymnastics club back in the day for one year (my 2nd year), I also competed at university, the equivalent of NCAA in the UK. Finished 2nd twice.
DeleteLol you sound like you like "politician handsome," but yeah Harvey Specter is super hot but also very refined. Yeah I hope my roommate gets over it. She's really smart, I thought that would be enough to feel like she belongs here even if she doesn't get along with everyone.
DeleteWow cool! I didn't know you were also an athlete during uni, and a competitive one too. That must've been fun going to class but also have gymnastics practice afterwards. I wish I had P.E class during uni... Sports is a great place to have fun and have friends outside of school/work.
Let's put it this way, since you have used that term, I like Emmanuel Macron the French president. He is intelligent, well dressed, powerful and intellectual. No other politician does politician-handsome as well as he does.
DeleteHey Alex. What an adventure you were up to on the weekend. I was wondering who were your Asian friends in your Instagram, but then you mentioned the ad was for a Cambodian beer and they asked for Asian actors. I can confirm there are a lot of ethnic Chinese people all over South East Asia since I've got friends from all over from doing my undergrad in SG. That includes Thailand, Vietnam, Laos, Myanmar, Indonesia, and Cambodia, so it's not out of place to use Chinese actors for advertisements (or even soap operas on TV). I'm surprised it was cheaper to fly to Ukraine to shoot a commercial than to break the rules in Cambodia and not tell anyone. Have you ever considered doing acting outside of Europe though? I think your language skills would be handy on every continent in the world.
ReplyDeleteHi Amanda, the casting directors were looking for SE Asian faces in most major European cities so this was a mix of guys from Kiev, Amsterdam and London. And no, production companies NEVER break the rules, even if it means going for the more expensive option. All it takes is one person to call the police and the production will get shut down, that means not meeting deadlines etc - hell no. Money is not the issue here, you have to realize that these companies do have BIG budgets and if it means paying (a lot) more to do the ad in a place like Kiev, then so be it. In Thailand for example, most Thais have darker complexions than Chinese people but in Thai showbiz they usually prefer fairer skin models with Chinese blood, so that could also explain why I was cast in this ad along with a guy with Korean blood - like we so don't look Cambodian at all because we're too fair to be Cambodian but it's what they like in the Cambodian market.
DeleteOh wow, film production runs a tight ship. But yeah I guess beer companies are large enough to spend good money on commercial budgets.
DeleteYeah I noticed Southeast Asia does suffer from colorism, and it results in fair Asians of North-East Asian descent, or even half white people (e.g Henry Golding) getting preferential treatment in film and TV casting. I even grew up with some teen soap opera stars in my school, and they usually had one white parent and one Asian parent.
Oh we're not talking about a university project on a shoestring budget - just think about how much they spent on just flying me in from London, putting me up in a nice hotel in central Kiev, assigning an English speaking guy to take care of all the foreign actors like me, then paying me a lot of money on top of all that. Then you consider all the cast and crew - like they had a focus specialist operating the camera on set (he spoke with a British accent so I knew he wasn't local) so they flew in technical specialists to Kiev just for this. The bottom line is, goodness me, money is not an issue here. Their priority is to make a stunningly good ad that will please the client and if it means spending a LOT of money, then that's perfectly fine with the client. What is NOT okay with the client is any kind of problems like missing deadlines because you willfully broke the laws of the country you are shooting in. From a business point of view, it makes no point spending a moderate amount of money to make a boring, forgettable ad. You'd rather spend an insane amount of money to make a really memorable ad that will go viral and result in a massive boost in sales - that's why these ad projects have massive budgets.
DeleteThe colorism thing baffles me to be honest but ironically I benefited from it this time.
Wow they really didn't skim on the production quality. Hope the ad looks great in the end. It surprises me that the film industry tries to find a way to shoot even during covid. Maybe a tv show can go a year without putting out a new season, but new products like beer or car insurance still need commercials during covid, so there has to be some way to shoot it.
DeleteYeah colorism also baffles me too considering that ethnic Chinese are still a minority in south east asia and suffer some discrimination in normal jobs like government or business. But ironically it doesn't affect getting jobs in film and tv.
Well the simplest way is to simply do the shoot in a country like Ukraine where there are hardly any restrictions and you just fly everyone in. As for colorism, good grief I remember once watching a very, very politically incorrect Thai film about a woman growing up - it was like an ugly duckling story. She was a dark skinned teenager who never got the attention of the boys and then we fast forward a few years to her early 20s and miraculously, her skin had become a lot lighter and all the guys were chasing her. And I was like, come on, the actress playing the adult version of the character is clearly Thai-Chinese whilst the one playing the teenage version is completely Thai. But yeah, Chinese people are considered more beautiful in Thailand because we are naturally fairer than the Thais there.
DeleteI'm just thinking Europe also has colorism, but now it has been reversed. So people used to envy really pale people because it implied they were rich and didn't have to work the fields. Now people like tanned white people because it implies they have money to go to the beach, while pale working class people don't. Asia still has the same old type of colorism because being tanned implies working outside in the fields or on the streets. It's a shame. My first crush was a Chinese boy with really pretty darker reddish skin. Usually Chinese people have either pale yellow or pale pink skin that is almost white, but tanner skintones, although rare, are great too.
DeleteOh I was watching a documentary on Netflix about how there is a fertility clinic in California that allows couples to select the eye color of their children. Surprisingly the most common request at 40% is brown eyes, and they are requested by Scandinavian couples where everyone has blue eyes. The doctor said "apparently people always want what they don't have."
Well you say that, but there's still discrimination against people for their looks - it used to be focused on colour but now it's more in terms of physique. So for example, people would make fun of or discriminate against fat people rather than thin ones. So this kind of discrimination based on physical appearances has evolved. In some countries from Mauritania to India to even China, in the past, being fat was actually valued by society because it was a demonstration of wealth - if you have enough money to feed yourself to become fat (in a poor country), that means you're not poor like those who can't even put enough food on the table each meal to feed their families. But now that has completely changed and it is considered desirable to be thin and shapely.
DeleteDo have a look at the discussion I had with FSG above please - she has disappeared on me and I did wonder if I had been too harsh with her? Many thanks Amanda.
Oh yeah totally, nowadays being fat is a sign of poverty rather than wealth. I mean I can almost tell how much a stranger on the street earns not by their clothes but how fit they look.
DeleteWow that was a pretty long read. I think FSG could just be busy, considering she has long working hours. I think its a bit of a stretch to conflate a working situation with abusive parents, but its a similar concept. I would think of it more as if there was an abusive teacher in primary or high school, students were taught every authority figure is right 100% of the time and not to report any abuse. But in the real world, people are abusive but now as an adult you have power to vote with your feet, or negotiate. Though it doesn't seem like FSG has had a lot of experience dealing with bad people. I mean, we're pretty much "vaccinated" against shitty people through growing up with shitty family members. I don't think FSG has had as much traumatic of a family life, since most people don't. Some people would even call us cynical or Machiavellian actually. I've been called cynical a few times by other people in academia who think "no we are an idealistic brotherhood! Everyone loves each other and does everything for pure knowledge!(and not money or power)"
Actually Alex I'm sorta in the same boat as FSG herself, except I'm one of the people who seem to be given better treatment than the others. I just had a huge bitching session with my coworkers, and I found out they've been pressured by my boss to work weekends, and have been told "work life balance is bullshit" because he complains they don't work fast enough or have enough skills. But in my case, my boss has never said anything like that to me, its just open office hours as long as I get the work done. However recently I did get scolded for emailling a mathematician at the different university for math help (my boss is not a mathematician, but we need more advanced math tools). Then he suddenly changed his tune and was extra nice yesterday, asking me about my fencing hobby. Then I realized he doesn't push me around as much as the others because if that friendly mathematician likes me enough I could just go work for him. The others don't have any backup skills or anywhere to go, so there is less incentive to treat them well. The others also complained that "we shouldn't have a good/bad relationship depending on work performance." And they're right.
I judge people not on how they treat people who can benefit them or have leverage over them, but instead on how they treat the people who can't give them much in return. Although a boss can tell a worker they're not doing things up to standard, they shouldn't make it personal and resort to bullying measures to change behavior. Singapore unfortunately has never had a worker's rights movement, or even a mental health movement, so people don't develop as much self-worth outside of work and money.
Hi Amanda, I am hoping that FSG will find it easier to talk to you as a woman here and that you could perhaps be an alternative opinion, someone she might find a bit easier to talk to as I don't want to scare her away. She needs someone who will understand what she is going through but at the same time, how can I do that without telling her that she ought not put up with the ridiculous abuse?!
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