Week 7: The racist joke incident

I am going to focus on one incident that has happened this week - someone made a racist joke about the Chinese language and I want to share the story in detail with you. At first, I was a little hesitant to share this story because I was worried that some of the readers will take away the wrong message - that European people are racist. But I have so much faith in my readers that I feel I can share it in a safe environment. Frankly, I was hesitant even tell my parents this story as I was worried they won't be able to get over the fact that someone made a racist joke about the Chinese language - but I know my readers will be interested to know what happened next. So here is the story.

There are two people involved: Calvo (obviously not his real name but a nickname I have given him on my blog) whom I already have talked about on my blog and this German actress, let's call her Ziege. Now that's the word in German for goat but it can also be a derogatory term for a stupid person - eg. you silly goat. On Thursday evening, whilst between scenes, Calvo told Ziege a racist joke about what his perception of Chinese was. They shared a private laugh and then Ziege decided to repeat the joke to me. Here is what she said.

"Throw an empty tin can down the stairs."

"To learn the sound of Chinese, it is very easy: just take an empty tin can, stand at the top of the stairs and throw the can down the stairs. Listen to the can bounce as it falls down those stairs and that is exactly what Chinese sounds like. You don't really have a real language do you? It is just noise, random noises... Not like a European language." She then went on to make these sounds to mimic what she thought was the sound of Chinese, "TING TONG KLING KLANG BING BONG BANG KING KONG!"

I kept my dignity and told her that it was very offensive, it was racist and she shouldn't say something like that. She then responded, "It is a joke, it is funny - I am not being serious. Anyway, I am not making fun of you, I am talking about a language that you speak. Oh come on. Where is your sense of humour?"

I then heard Calvo try to tell the same racist joke to two other members of the cast - now these two other actors are far more sensible than him and told him that it was racist and offensive and he couldn't say something like that. Oh they shot him down immediately. I then thought, if it was just one person, I could try to deal with it but if it is a situation with two people in cahoots doing this, then I am going to report it. I went to the assistant director and believe you me, I kicked up a big fuss and raised hell about racist bullying.

I found myself in a difficult situation and needed help & support. 

My complaint was taken very seriously, the producer and director got involved; I was taken aside by the producer who noted down every single detail of my complaint in writing. I was then given the choice of two options: do I want to make a formal complaint which will lead to disciplinary procedures and the possible sacking of the two individuals involved, or do I want the company to deal with the matter internally. As it was late, I said I want to go home and think about it and I will let them know in the morning.

On Friday morning, I spoke to many people about what I should do including many of my friends, my agent as well as my union representative from Equity. Now it is clear from the law in the UK that I am entitled to work in a safe environment where I am not made to feel uncomfortable or aggrieved by the words of others and such incidents of racist jokes clearly are against the law and often, this is taken so seriously that those found guilty of racism are often sacked for the offence. The employer is obliged to provide that safe environment for me to work in and they have to fulfil that obligation - even if it means removing those guilty of racism by sacking them immediately.

British employees are protected from discrimination and bullying by law.

My agent called me and we had a long talk. This was what she said. "Look, I am half Indian - half English, I know what it is like to be in your shoes. Of course you have the right to be angry as this was an unprovoked attack. I would however make a distinction between when someone is deliberately trying to offend or hurt you as opposed to when someone does something plain stupid without realizing what the consequences of their actions are. Why don't you allow them a chance to apologize to you for what happened? If you feel that you can accept their apology, then we'll take it from there - or if you feel that they are unrepentant, then fine we can go down the other route and seek redress that way. They could get sacked for something like this you know."

My union representative was a lot more curt - "How can they possibly believe that they can get away with racism like that? We do not tolerate racism in this country. I realize these two individuals involved are Spanish and German - maybe they think it is okay to act like that in Spain or Germany, but no way, not in the UK. They want to work here in the UK, they have to abide by our rules and British society does not condone racism in any shape or form. We have such strict laws about racism and how one should behave in the work place and your employer has the legal obligation to protect you from racism like that! Just tell me if you want me involved - you have the full support of your union."

Is racism okay in some countries but not others?

So I went into work early on Friday and a meeting was convened - Calvo, Ziege, my director and my producer were present at the meeting and the meeting began with me explaining why I felt so offended and why I felt I needed to turn to official procedures via the company's structure to handle this. Ziege said, "Look had you told me at the point that I was wrong in telling you that joke, then I would've apologized and it would've been dealt with on the spot." I told her I did try, but she had accused me of not having a sense of humour. Besides, I explained that I was hired by the company for my acting skills - not my HR skills to deal with a very difficult situation and that was why we are having this meeting and it was my right to expect this kind of support from my employer.

Ziege was crying - but I didn't buy it. She was not crying because she was sorry for the things she has said, she was crying like a child who had been caught doing something wrong (like cheating in an exam) and she was crying out of fear because she knew she was in trouble. The stupid cow. She did apologize alright - she conceded that what she said was stupid and offensive but she was merely repeating what Calvo had just told her. I said to her that it didn't matter whether it was her idea or Calvo's idea or whose idea it was - the fact that she had chosen to tell me that racist joke meant that she had crossed the line and she had left me with no choice but to deal with it in this manner. Then she said something really stupid, "But you make fun of German too, when you speak it badly."

"How dare you conjugate that verb wrongly in my language!" 

I got angry and I shot her down - I said that my German is not good at all, I didn't spend years studying German so my German is often ungrammatical and I mispronounce words, but I am not afraid to use what little German I have with my German friends. They are often very encouraging when I show an effort to speak their language and they do not mind if I make a mistake or three in their language. I was appalled that she could perceive my mistakes in German as an attempt to make fun of her language - I stressed that it was not as if I am fluent in German and I am deliberately making mistakes in German to make fun of her language. When I make a mistake in German, that's what it is - it is a genuine, sincere attempt to try to speak a language which I don't know very well. "You speak English as a second language, how would you feel if someone British were to accuse you of making fun of English each time you made a mistake in English?" She then said, "Er... but you can speak to me instead in English instead of German then, so I don't have to hear your mistakes in German."

At which point, the director stepped in to save Ziege - I guess the phrase, 'when in a hole, stop digging' comes to mind and the director stepped in to take the spade away from Ziege. She clearly was trying to form some kind of defence when she didn't have one. The director said that in a multi-cultural, multi-lingual environment, we should feel that we should be safe enough to practice our foreign languages with each other without fear of judgement like that. If she didn't want to teach me German, then she has the right to say so - but she was being unreasonable in claiming that I am making fun of the German language when I make mistakes when I speak German. The director then pointed out that he speaks some German too as he studied it at school and what she said made him wonder if how he would be judged if he tried to speak to Ziege in German. She then said, "Oh of course not, I wouldn't..." Then she stopped mid-sentence, realizing that she had just contradicted herself. And what did she do? She cried. Oh yeah stupid cow, cry when you have painted yourself into a corner and can't defend yourself.

Ziege couldn't face what she had done. 

She was crying so hard at that point that the director felt that the meeting couldn't go on with her in that state, so she was escorted out of the room at that point. I have a feeling she did it deliberately to get out of the meeting and that she wasn't really sorry. She was just sorry that she got caught and got into trouble. With her out of the room, the attention then turned to Calvo. Calvo said to me, "I came up with that offensive joke, so please don't get angry with Ziege, you can blame me but don't blame her."

I made it clear that she is an adult and she made a conscious decision to tell me that racist joke - she was not some six year old child under the influence of an adult, by that token, she has to be responsible for her actions. Calvo then said, "I thought I was making a comment about your language, I wasn't talking about you - it wasn't personal so I didn't think you would find it offensive at all, even if you didn't find it funny."

The producer then stepped in and asked Calvo, "You must try to see it from Alex's point of view - he speaks Chinese and you are making fun of a language that he speaks and it is not up to you to decide whether or not he has the right to feel offended or not. Clearly, you and Ziege have made him feel very uncomfortable and upset whether it was intentional or not and this is why we are sitting around this table now, having this urgent meeting to address this issue."

Calvo is very clearly autistic. 

You see, at this point, I am already convinced that Calvo has Asperger's Syndrome. He is unable to see things from another person's perspective, he has no empathy so he cannot see why or how I would be offended by his racist joke. The director then did the same thing - he stepped in and rescued Calvo by taking away the spade (when in a hole, stop digging, stupid). "Imagine if someone made a cruel racist joke about Spanish people to your face, how would that make you feel? Would you be offended? Upset?"

Then something clicked - he actually got it for the first time and I thought, groan - see what I mean about Asperger's Syndrome? Someone has to explain things to him in a way which puts him in the shoes of the other person he is dealing with. Calvo apologized unreservedly in a sincere manner which I felt Ziege didn't. The director then said, "I can sense that there's a lot of tension between the two of you and this is a good time for us to deal with it."

Calvo responded by saying, "Alex is my good friend, very good friend. We have no tension between us, none whatsoever. Alex, do you have anything to say?"

This was how I felt when Calvo claimed I was his good friend. 

I looked at him and thought, good grief, he is oblivious to the fact that I hate him. But I can't say that - so I chose my words very carefully. "Calvo, there is a cast of 29 actors in this show, along with a large crew - there are about 45 people involved in this show. Now every single one of them are my colleagues - they are people I work with, I have had the good fortune of finding some really nice friends amongst these 45. They just happen to be people I click with and perhaps we have something in common or are just on the same wavelength. I am friendly and polite with everyone else who are colleagues rather than friends - I place you in the colleagues category, not the friends category. There are boundaries with people I define as colleagues, whereas you seem to have placed me in the friends category - that is why I think there is this tension. You should only take such liberties - such as indulging in informal banter as opposed to polite conversation - with people who also consider you a friend. This is why we have been on different wavelengths and I hope we can straighten this out once and for all for now. You are my colleague, not my friend. I regret that you have misunderstood the situation and our kind of relationship. I want to be able to work with you but I need to you understand that we're colleagues rather than friends."

You know the phrase, have you ever seen a grown man cry? Calvo cried. OMFG. He cried. Unlike Ziege who cried out of fear when she got into trouble, Calvo cried when I told him in no uncertain terms that I was not his friend and did not want to be his friend. His Asperger's Syndrome had made him unable to read the signs to see that I didn't like him - he had somehow convinced himself that I actually was his friend and that I liked him. Good grief. Talk about awkward - the producer and director exchanged a look which was just, "oh shit what do we do now." Wow, Calvo was so upset that I declared I wasn't his friend at all.

I had no idea my friendship meant that much to Calvo.

Calvo then started talking and he couldn't stop. He insisted that we were friends, we have had long friendly chats - he started recounting everything we had done together, including the time when we walked to the supermarket to buy lunch together - as if that cemented our bond as best friends. I said, "Everyone goes to that Tesco supermarket, it is the nearest place to get food. I run into people from the show there all the time. We just happened to have been walking in the same direction that day, it was just a coincidence that's all. I barely remember it."

Well, my director stepped in again to take control of the situation. He explained that when we are working in the show, we arrive 45 minutes before the show begins and in that 45 minutes we are often rushing to get ready, getting into costume, having meetings with the crew or sometimes getting a quick bite to eat before the show begins. We have virtually no time to chat and once the show begins, we are in character and acting so we cannot just break character and have a chat to get to know each other better. And after the show finishes, we are all tired, it is late and we just want to go home so there's really very little chance for us to properly get to know each other better despite the fact that we work together six days a week and spend so many hours in each other's company. So yes there can be many people we have worked with for many weeks but barely know by that token and perhaps I simply haven't had the chance to get to know Calvo better and if I had that chance, perhaps we could become friends without the pressure of having to do the show. Yeah right, I thought, like that is ever gonna happen, get real.

How well do you know the people you work with?

This was when my director made a suggestion which was, "Maybe next week, why don't the three of you get together for coffee or lunch and have a casual chat, away from the show and I'm sure you three will find out just how much you have in common and then you can have the chance to become friends." The first thought that came to mind was, "are you fucking kidding me? After all that has happened?" But no, I simply didn't respond.

Given that Calvo was clearly crying, the director escorted him out of the room and I was left in there with the producer. The producer said that it was clear that from their reaction (well, they were both crying as they left the room), they had shown remorse and had apologized for their actions. It was then down to me to decide if I wanted to take the matter further or if I was happy to let it rest, knowing that those two had promised not to do anything like that again (and if they did, then I had the confidence that it would be dealt with swiftly and appropriately). I said yes, that's fine, I am happy to let the matter rest for now. You know, there was a part of me that wanted to see them punished further (simply because I had the power to do so) and I truly hate Ziege, but as for Calvo... I think I am willing to excuse him on the basis of his Asperger's Syndrome. And unfortunately, I couldn't punish Ziege further without punishing Calvo as well - so unbeknownst to them, I am actually letting the matter go on the basis of sympathy for Calvo's Asperger's Syndrome. By that token, Ziege got off lightly and she's lucky - but hey, that is life.

How badly did I want to punish Ziege and Calvo?

After that meeting, I sat down with three of my friends - people who I really do like in the show. I told them everything that happened and here is a summary of their response. "Ziege is really just a stupid, ignorant young idiot from some little village in Germany. You do realize she isn't exactly bright? Trust me, I have sat down and tried to talk to her before - she is plain stupid. I bet she was bottom of her class at school - she simply isn't that intelligent or cultured... Anyone with basic manners would know that such a racist joke would be highly offensive and back away from it. When Calvo told her that joke, she shouldn't even be laughing at it, the fact that she could even find it funny tells you about how low brow she is, how uncultured, uncouth and ignorant she is. I don't think she is malicious - because she was clearly unaware of the consequences of her actions when she repeated that racist joke to you. 

When I was a child, I remember a group of us in the school playground and we found a beehive, not realizing that it was a hornets' nest. One of the girls thought that it would be funny to poke the beehive with a stick and we said no you should not be doing that. As I saw her pick up a big stick, I could sense that things were going to go very wrong so I shouted for her to stop but at the same time, I ran away as fast as I could. The next thing I knew, I heard her screaming in pain as the hornets attacked her. It was bad - her face and arms were completely swollen from the stings. The teacher had to call an ambulance and she was in hospital for days as she had an allergic reaction from the stings. When she finally returned to school, I asked her, "Why did you do that? What were you thinking? What did you think was going to happen?" She replied, "I couldn't help myself. I saw the beehive, I saw the stick and I guess I wasn't thinking - I just did it because I felt like it." You know, Ziege was probably just like that stupid girl and the hornets' nest. She did it out of following her stupid instincts and when she has such a stupid brain, her instincts are clearly going to lead her into trouble. Can you forgive someone like that? I don't know - I would overlook it, that means letting her get away with it, but I wouldn't got as far as to forgive her. I don't want to be her friend after this - I have lost all my respect for her. I'm sure the others all feel the same way about her now! 

I don't buy that Asperger's Syndrome thing. I think Calvo is just an asshole. So much for modern psychology and medical science, someone's an asshole - you give it a fancy medical condition and suddenly they have a disease, a psychological condition. Sorry, I know you really believe that Calvo really does have that condition but I don't buy it. He's an asshole and I would've loved to have seen him and Ziege get sacked from the show. I don't even think they realize just how generous you have been with them.

I think the director has some unrealistic ideas about us being one big happy family. Yes this is a theatre company, we come together to do a show, but you bring together 40, 45 people who don't know each other together and come on, get real. How can you expect us to actually become friends? We come as working professionals, we sustain working relationships with people whom we don't like and such is the working world. For him to suggest that you could be friends with Ziege or Calvo... Is he in cloud cuckoo land or what?"

Do you get along with everyone you have to work with? 

So there you go. That's where I am at. I completed the shows on Friday and Saturday without incident. Ziege and Calvo kept their distance from me and I didn't talk to them. I don't know if Ziege and Calvo realize how generous I have been - but then again, being generous or charitable is an altruistic act. You do it because you want to be generous and you feel that it is the right thing to do - not because you expect something in return. I didn't offer this generosity on the condition that they have to grovel in gratitude for it. I offered this generosity on the basis of Calvo's Asperger's syndrome - did I do the right thing?

Thanks for reading my story - I hope you guys will realize that British society does not condone racism. Sure racism does exist and whilst you may legislate all kinds of laws to protect people from racism in the work place, there are still going to be stupid people like Ziege and Calvo who are going to make racist jokes regardless of what the laws are. I know that I have many readers in Asia, particularly in Singapore, who perceive white people to be racist. I want to use this story to show you that we have very clear laws and procedures to protect me from racism in the work place and what kind of support I received when I did I did encounter racism. And of course, all the other white colleagues who knew about the incident gave me such support that made me feel very confident about working in a safe environment free of racism. I suppose yes, I am reasonably satisfied with the outcome.

Yes it is my right to be protected from racism in the work place. 

Most of all, the message I want to send to my Singaporean readers is this. Yes I encountered racism this week - did I crumble like a wet paper box in the rain the moment it happened? Hell no. I was strong, I fought back, I sought support. I found out where I stood in terms of the law, what kind of support I could get from my union. I got people on my side from my agent to my colleagues. I was brave, strong, resourceful and I remained calm as I dealt with the situation. I hate to put myself on a pedestal - but this is the way I believe Asian people should deal with racism. I get the feeling most Singaporeans would just hear the racist joke and cry like some kind of helpless victim - instead, I fought back and it was Ziege and Calvo who were crying so uncontrollably they had to be escorted from the room whilst I didn't shed a tear. I am at heart an Ah Beng from Ang Mo Kio and I always fight back.

Too often, I hear stories of Singaporeans who have encountered racism in the West and they simply turn the other cheek, return to Singapore and tell other Singaporeans that white people are evil and racist. That is totally the wrong way to deal with the situation, in fact that is a very stupid way to deal with the situation! Sure it is never pleasant to encounter racism, but if and when it does happen, don't be passive and just take the abuse - stand up for yourself and fight back. Deal with it and if necessary, get help from people who will be on your side and resolve the situation to the point where you walk away satisfied and justified.

What do you do when you are bullied? How do you deal with the bully?

Oh and lastly, I did speak to my parents about it today. My mum was very pleased with the way I handled the situation, especially since I showed compassion to Calvo as he has Asperger's Syndrome. She used the phrase 大人有大量 and she made the distinction between 'forgiving' those two and 'sparing' those two (饶了他们).  They were very reassured that I handled the difficult situation well and I am more than capable to cope with bullies should they come my way. My dad commented that in life, the bullies will pick on a soft target - if you fight back, you will scare the bullies away. Nobody in the show was going to dare to mess with me after this incident.

What do you think my readers? Did I do the right thing? You know the drill, please leave a comment, thanks.