So I've just got to put these wings to test .

I reached a decision tonight to continue with my West End play - admittedly, I came so close to dropping out in the last 24 hours. It's a very long story but I had fallen out with the theatre company (mostly through my own stupid fault, I admit) and things got bad to worse last week. At one stage I was thinking, gosh isn't it easier just to walk away from it all - I don't need this. It was a far cry from the wonderful experience I had doing TV in Belgium. I keep asking myself, how did I get myself into such a mess in the first place?

I met this lovely actress during the rehearsals, for her it was stardom or bust: get famous or die trying. For me, acting is something fun, something unusual that adds just a little sparkle to my already crazy life - it shouldn't be something that stresses me out or makes me depressed. I thought it's meant to make me happy! She was willing to put up with anything for a role - I wasn't. I already have a full time job in finance and I was more concerned trying to balance my demands of my day job with the rehearsal schedule.

I listened to "Little Bird" by Annie Lennox tonight on my iPod - it's one of her finest songs from 1993. I loved Annie Lennox and grew up with her music. If you haven't heard this song before, please listen to it. Her lyrics gave me clarity on my situation. I had tears well up in my eyes and then there was an Eureka moment, like suddenly, everything was clear to me what I had to do. It was a moment of clarity that was so amazing and it struck me, just as I was walking back from the supermarket with groceries in my hands. Woah. Allow me to quote her lyrics as it's such beautiful poetry.

I look up to the little bird
That glides across the sky
He sings the clearest melody
It makes me want to cry
It makes me want to sit right down 
and cry cry cry
I walk along the city streets
So dark with rage and fear
And I...
I wish that I could be that bird
And fly away from here
I wish I had the wings to fly away from here

But my my I feel so low
My my where do I go ?
My my what do I know ?
My my we reap what we sow
They always said that you knew best
But this little bird's fallen out of that nest now
I've got a feeling that it might have been blessed
So I've just got to put these wings to test

For I am just a troubled soul
Who's weighted...
Weighted to the ground
Give me the strength to carry on
Till I can lay this burden down
Give me the strength to lay this burden down down down yeah
Give me the strength to lay it down

But my my I feel so low
My my where do I go ?
My my what do I know ?
My my we reap what we sow
They always said that you knew best
But this little bird's fallen out of that nest now
I've got a feeling that it might have been blessed
So I've just got to put these wings to test

I listened to her lyrics... that last paragraph struck a chord with me - yes I am that little bird that has fallen out of that nest, I've gotten myself into such a terrible mess with the theatre company. But after all the shit I have gotten myself into, the decision came today that they still want to continue with me - believe you me I was so incredibly close to quitting then I realized, wait a minute. How many people did they audition for this? How many more talented actors did they turn down and chose me? And they still want me for the part after all the shit that's happened? Maybe I really am good, that's why they have not replaced me yet.

Heck, it's a West End production, they only have to snap their fingers and there'll be a super long queue of actors lining up to take my place if I leave. Given all that has happened, I realized that yes, I might have been blessed with something special, so I may as well "put these wings to test".  It's only 3 months of my life. I just have to fucking man up and say, I don't care if they think I am difficult or a troublemaker, I don't care what they think of me, I don't need them to add me as a friend on Facebook or even like me. Did Annie Lennox, Lady Gaga or Madonna care if the people they'd worked with really like them? I'm like, fuck it, life is not a fucking popularity contest, people are not always gonna like me or get along with me - life is just too fucking short to give a fuck about shit like that. It's time to stop being a fucking cry baby, man up and face the situation with some balls. I think about how many talented actors there are out there - how many of them have actually set foot on a West End or Broadway stage before?

My friends, I think the lesson for me (which I hope you will take away with you for a rainy day) is quite simply this: when life gets tough, it's time to fucking man up. It's so easy to act tough and present a stoic front (which I do automatically) - but there needs to be a conscious decision taken in your head to "put these wings to test": maybe you can fly, maybe you won't - but unless we put those wings to test, we'll never know how high we can fly. I'm glad I didn't walk away from this, I hope I made the right decision. Wish me luck for this production guys. I'm scared as hell - fuck, I am so fucking nervous... No I am not nervous about performing (that's the easy part), but I am scared about falling out with the people from the theatre company again and getting along with them, but I am going through with this!