Asian families: duty vs love, a cultural quirk or a big problem?

Hi there, over my discussions with my readers, I have come to realize one aspect of my Asian culture which I have found very difficult to reconcile myself with - it is this concept of duty vs love. Even though I was born and raised in Singapore, I have spent more than half my life (54.34% to be precise) of my life in the West thus whilst I am familiar with the culture in Singapore and that of my parents, my cultural identity is far more like my peers in the UK. I'd like to address an aspect of my Asian culture that I find painful to put up with to the point where I have just totally rejected it. In Asia, you have the concept of duty - it is your duty to respect your parents, it is your duty to take care of your children, it feels like all social relationships are built upon and predicated upon the concept of duty. Contrast that to the West, where social relationships are built upon love - you take care of your parents because your love them rather than because you're duty bound to do so. I remember when I was child, my parents were condemning how awful people were in the West, about how they would abandon their parents if they didn't get along with them and didn't feel morally obliged to take care of their elderly parents. Whereas in places like Singapore and Malaysia, adults to tend to take care of their parents no matter how awful their relationship can be, because they are acting out of duty rather than love. Hence it is this sense of duty, this moral code that defines family relationships in Asian societies but that's quite different in the West where you have to earn everyone's respect, including within your own family. I'm going to compare and contrast these two systems.

In Singapore (and indeed in many other Asian countries with similar cultures), most children will take care of their parents out of a sense of duty - they do so because they feel duty bound rather than because they have any love for their parents. Now that love may be there, it may not, but regardless, the presence or absence of love doesn't influence or change the outcome. Thus Asian children doesn't get the reward from their parents for carrying out this duty, but rather, it is something they give themselves according to their culture: it is that knowledge that when others in their community witness them taking good care of their parents, they would be judged to be good, filial children. Their reward is quite similar to the kind of approval we give ourselves when we choose a salad over fried chicken for lunch - no one is there to pat us on the back for having made the right decision but after years of learning about healthy diets, we automatically feel good about our decision even if nobody witnessed what we ate for lunch. I think that's how my sisters continue taking such good care of our parents despite the fact that they have treated my sisters like crap. I remember one terrible incident when I got into a huge fight with my parents over this - I will give you a short version of it: my sister has just gone out of her way to do my parents a huge favour and my parents somehow just took it for granted that it was her duty to do all that. I told my parents that it would be nice simply to thank my sister - after all, it costs nothing to utter the words 'thank you' and it would make my sister feel good. Instead my parents got extremely defensive and my father yelled at the top of his voice, "after everything I have done for your sister over the years, I have every right to yell at her like she was my slave and she has to do as she is told, out of duty - this is her duty!" I was appalled at my father's attitude, it was awful. 

With parents who treat you like that, who needs enemies? I told my father that he was wrong and he refused to back down, it lead to a huge shouting match but when I told my sister what had happened, she told me that it was pointless to stand up for her. That's just the way things were within her culture, she was okay doing all those things for my parents out of 'duty' and she didn't need them to thank her or express any kind of gratitude. The fact is my parents don't try to pull that kind of behaviour on me because they realize that I simply don't have that sense of duty in my moral code - if my parents want to conclude that I'm a bad son for refusing to behave like my sister, then I can live with that since the feeling is mutual: the way they treat my sister is abhorrent and that they're bad parents. So in Singapore, you do not have the problem of destitute elderly folks being dependent on the state because they can still depend on their children to take care of them out of this Asian sense of duty. So what is happening in places like London? My friend Steve's mother recently passed away - she was in her 90s and had suffered from dementia for the last 15 years. He took such good care of her throughout that period, it was touching how he had put her needs first. But Steve didn't do it out of duty per se, he did it all out of love - Steve's father died quite early, so his mother became a widow and had to bring him up all on her own but she was an amazing mother who did everything she could to make sure Steve always had what he needed. I look at the kind of mother and son relationship that they had and quite frankly, I am jealous because that love was so real: it was precious and beautiful. You don't need Asian values and a sense of duty when there is true love in the family. 

For many older Asian people, this sense of duty defines their role in society, in their community whilst this concept of 'love' is quite alien and foreign to them. So when it comes to marriage, you have the duty to get married and have children in order to please your parents, to fulfill the expectations they have placed upon you, to carry on the family name - any notion of love, passion, romance or happiness is quite alien to this whole process. In fact, in some Indian families, they take this to an extreme with arranged marriages whereby the parents pick the spouse on behalf of their children - the children go through with this kind of arrangement out of a sense of duty since it is impossible to love someone you don't even know but you're forced to marry. But somehow, these Asian children make peace with that by accepting that it is their duty to do as they are told, that it is their responsibility to fulfill that role and within that context, they try to make the best of a bad situation. I knew of this Indian couple who had a loveless arranged marriage - it wasn't antagonistic, it was not like they were fighting, but they both accepted that they weren't in love and the husband was a successful lawyer who focused on his career, spending his free time with his colleagues whilst the wife dedicated herself to becoming the best mother she could be whilst spending time on her hobbies (she is part of a choir) that brought her a lot of joy - joy that she was never going to get from her husband. Some Asian people may look at that couple and claim that arrange marriages do work, but what I see in that couple is just two Asians with that shared sense of duty - a common goal, both willing make really huge personal sacrifices in the name of duty and make the best of what they have within that context. 

It would also be unfair to condemn this aspect of Asian culture whereby they view marriage as a duty rather than an option if they happen to find the right person to fall in love with. It can be argued that such an attitude can lead to more stable relationships if your expectations are low - sure your spouse may be ugly, overweight and a bit of a loser, but hey you're not supposed to be in love, you're instead faithfully performing an important duty that is expected of you. That's how I felt recently when I ate some celery - it was on sale at the supermarket and I thought, great, celery is healthy and I can add these into my salads. But when I got a mouthful of fibrous celery, I was suddenly reminded of why I don't normally buy celery - it doesn't taste great, there are far tastier vegetables to enjoy in one's salads and celery isn't one of them. But still, I dutifully ate my salary as I told myself that it was full of great vitamins that will keep me healthy and thin, that I need plenty of fibre in my diet, so chew away, celery is great for my body even if I don't really enjoy eating it. So yes, I am going to get through that big bunch of celery in my fridge even if I don't like celery because I view eating celery as a duty, rather than a treat like eating chocolate ice cream. That's why divorce rates are higher in the West, couples will break up if their relationships aren't working out but in Asia, unhappy couples will always stay together regardless because they have much lower expectations when it comes to their relationships - this is a duty that they have to perform whether they like it or not, thus marriage is treated like eating celery in the East and when your expectations are that low, then you are less likely to be disappointed with your married life. As the saying goes, a pessimist is never disappointed. 

Now you may think, well that's great isn't it? This sense of duty has great benefits! You're healthy because you feel the need to eat celery out of duty. Well, allow me to show you how it can be extremely frustrating in practice. I remember a massive argument I had with my father about my uncle - now this is my mother's younger brother who is a good for nothing. He had always struggled to hold down a job and had the habit of going from relative to relative, begging for money. My father had just given me a long rant about how he hated my uncle and I simply agreed with him that my uncle was a loser; however, that crossed the line for my father as my uncle was older than me, he was my elder and thus my father had the right to criticize my uncle (as my father was older than my uncle) but I didn't (as I am younger than my uncle). I challenged my father's logic - I am intelligent, very well educated and I have a wealth of life experience. I'm in my 40s, it's not like I'm a ten year old child who doesn't quite understand what is going on. Was my father going to deny me the right to judge my uncle simply on the basis of the fact that my uncle was older than me and so I had to automatically any kind of judgment and default to respect for my uncle, despite the fact that my father himself had just scathingly condemned my uncle? Yup, according to my father, that's the way it was in our culture and I was having none of it. So that argument went downhill quickly (I'll spare you the details) and nothing was resolved; I can't change my father's mind and he simply didn't have the social skills to try to persuade me to change my mind; his default position was just, we are Chinese and that is the way we always do things. He was simply unaware of any alternatives to that system. 

The reason why people like my father apply these rules of duty within Asian culture so very strictly is because he doesn't want me to judge him for his own faults and failures - elders within Asian culture are beyond reproach and if they are flawed, well we're supposed to just ignore those faults and offer them unconditional respect regardless. Well I think that's insane, that's ridiculous and complete bullshit. But then again, people like my father don't know otherwise, these were the social norms and rules that he has grown up with and has known all his life thus he is utterly bewildered when I tell him that I reject those rules and refuse to abide by them. My father certainly got no love from his parents - in fact, they treated him very badly and he still, out of duty, offered them unconditional respect and that was why he had assumed that I would do the same. Likewise, there was never any love, romance or even warmth in his marriage to my mother - no, they didn't get married because they were in love but rather because they both believed that it was their sacred duty to get married and start a family. So there was a certain satisfaction, even joy in following the rules and fulfilling that duty - allow me to give you an analogy: some of you would be familiar with the video game Dance Dance Revolution and if you're not, please see the Youtube video below. In this game, you stand on a dance platform and follow a set of moves by stepping on the corresponding pad in time with the music. There's no room for any kind of creativity or improvisation - this is a test of how strictly you can follow the routine as prescribed by the game and it can get very challenging. The experts in this game spend long hours memorizing the very complex and difficult routines in order to get the top scores. 

Thus within Asian culture, this obsession with following the cultural norms as a form of duty is often passed off as a tradition - so when Asian people offers respect to their parents or relatives out of a sense of duty rather than genuine admiration, then they are merely being traditional and proud of their culture. I must remind you that it is hard to be the perfect Asian child - first you're expected to do really well at school and ace all your exams. Then you would be expected to get into a top university, preferably with a scholarship and then have into a prestigious and lucrative in something like banking, medicine or law, where you can make a lot of money; then you have to get married and start a family. Fail to achieve any of that and you'll be judged by your community. Yeah, it ain't easy being Asian - excelling in school and making a lot of money certainly isn't easy and many Asians do fall short in those aspects but what they are really good at is fulfilling these other cultural aspects in the name of 'duty'. It is hardly surprising then that you will find that the Asians who are the most "traditional", who place the most emphasis on observing cultural norms such as this concept of 'duty' are those who are working class, poor and have failed in the pursuit of academic excellence and making a lot of money. Hence that's why this notion of 'duty' still dominates many Asian societies because just like playing Dance Dance Revolution, those who become very good at fulfilling their duty have mastered the art of petting themselves on the back for being so good at being traditional. After all, they may suck at school and have a lowly paid job, but damn they are so good at fulfilling this aspect of their culture. Hence such people take great pride and satisfaction in being very traditional. 

Don't get me wrong, this Asian sense of duty isn't a necessarily bad thing, indeed it can be harnessed for the public good. During the pandemic, Asian societies were very compliant when it came to mask wearing compared to the West where people simply refused to wear masks. In Singapore even after the mandate to wear masks was lifted, people still carried on wearing masks whereas in London, less than half the people compiled with mask wearing rules even when it was mandatory. The contrast is because young people do not mind or care if they get Covid - some may experience mild symptoms but they're unlikely to get seriously sick. However, the elderly and the vulnerable could become deathly ill with Covid and so it takes a concerted effort by everyone, including the youths, to stop the spread of Covid by wearing masks. This is why the death rate of Covid is much lower in East Asian countries like Singapore, Japan, Hong Kong and South Korea compared to the West where far more people died directly as a result of this refusal by many to wear masks. Thus when you look at the role this sense of duty can play on a much larger scale during a crisis, then this can most certainly be a force for good when it can influence personal decisions such as  complying with a mask wearing mandate. Thus in the East, everyone has made some sacrifices in order to minimize the death toll, but in the West, the onus is on the elderly and the vulnerable to make a much bigger sacrifice by self-isolating whilst the rest of the younger, healthier folks rip off their masks and get back to life before Covid-19. Therefore, I am sure many Asians would look at what happened in places like the UK and shake their heads in utter disbelief as we must come across as incredibly selfish and reckless. 

This is however, a double-edged sword for Asian societies. When young people are conditioned to give unconditional respect to older people in authority out of this sense of duty to maintain order in their society, then you have hopelessly incompetent people in positions of authority. Allow me to give you a simple example: when I was tutoring my nephew for his A level exams last year, I was very shocked at the poor quality of his notes. They had not been updated for ages, with case studies woefully out of date and it was clear that the lazy teacher had not even bothered to update the teaching material year after year and had simply recycled the same notes over and over again. There was no mention of the Covid-19 which was going to have the biggest impact on the economy and the most likely topic that would come up in the exams and I had to cover that topic with my nephew. However, everyone from my nephew to his parents to the other students found it very hard to criticize this lazy teacher - it seemed that I was the only person willing to call a spade a spade, that this awful teacher was terrible at her job. My sister was really terrified of me criticizing my nephew's teacher because she feared that doing so our encourage my nephew to question the authority of the teachers at his school. I thought, my nephew is not stupid - like surely he can tell the difference between a good and a bad teacher; when I was a teenager, I certainly wasn't blind to the faults of some of the more awful teachers' I've had. But yet, as Asians, we were almost expected to self-censor such dissenting thoughts and dutifully offer anyone placed in a position of authority blind trust and respect, even if it was evidently clear that this person was utterly terrible at their job - this is such a major flaw.

This Asian system depends on everyone to do their duty and it all falls apart so quickly if people like that terrible teacher do not pull their weight. There's nothing wrong with students being respectful to their teachers at school as long as their teachers are good teachers who are willing to work hard and do their jobs properly - in the West, we would hold the bad teacher to account and we would have no qualms about pointing out to the students when something is wrong. In fact, giving students the right to hold their teachers to account ensures that no teacher would dare to be lazy at all then - there are some further education institutions in the West who regularly get their students to rate their teaching staff;  I can just imagine how Singaporeans would be mortified by that concept! In the West, a good teacher wouldn't worry about any kind of inspection or scrutiny - the teacher would gladly invite you into the classroom and witness just how well the lessons are taught. But in the East, teachers would complain that even suggesting that their work could be subject to scrutiny would undermine that sense of order in the classroom and destroy the learning environment if the students no longer believe that their teachers are beyond reproach. One would like to imagine that Chinese, Korean and Japanese societies are so orderly, where everyone does their duty and follow the rules - it would be great if that was indeed the case, but that system unfortunately allows those in positions of authority (even a bad teacher) to get away with murder because this system gives them the benefit of the doubt whilst they clearly do not have the honour to perform their duty. 

In conclusion, I don't think neither systems are completely wrong or bad - they are simply very different ways to run a society which will lead to different outcomes. Like all systems and business models, they work fine in principle if people involved do what they are supposed to do but things can fall apart if the individuals involved do not follow the plan. What can frustrate me sometimes is when one party assumes the worst of the other when it reality, each system has its pros and cons. But for me, I simply can't do what my sisters do - they gain a great deal of satisfaction from performing their duty as perfect, filial daughters whilst getting nothing in return from my parents whereas I would find that kind of relationship just way too frustrating. The only reason why it works for my sisters is because they are willing to reward themselves for being so dutiful whilst I would expect my parents to be nice to me (for example, by taking an interest in what I do with my life) if they want me to be nice to them. So there you go, that's it from me on this topic - what do you think? Have you found yourself trapped between two cultures the way I have? Do you think I have been way too harsh on Asian culture in this aspect? Do you think it is fair to say that one system is better than the other or should we simply mind the gap and respect the differences? Why do you think Asian people are so quick to condemn the way things are done in the West without truly understanding the difference then? Leave a comment below and many thanks for reading.