Wednesday 9 January 2019

Q&A: Travel safety as an openly gay man

Hi there, as my regular readers will know, I do like traveling a lot and my plans for 2018 is to take fewer holidays but to make the ones I take so much more epic. So that means less long weekends in Europe but 10 to 20 day long holidays to more exotic destinations, hence my trip to Georgia this week. Now one thing I often get told when I mention that I'm going to some far-flung destination is this, "that's a very homophobic country, you shouldn't go there." So in today's post, I am going to deal with today is travel safety as an openly gay man given that I have both traveled to and even worked in some of the world's most homophobic countries in the Middle East and Eastern Europe where they are vehemently homophobic and in some cases, even have the death penalty for those caught having gay sex. The bottom line is that I know exactly what I am dealing with unlike some naive and ignorant 18 year old who hasn't quite done his homework yet - hence with that in mind, let's explore some of the fundamental issues associated with traveling the world as a gay man.
What are the things you have to worry about? 

When you're traveling independently (that means you're doing your own bookings, using public transport rather than being a part of a tour group), there are a whole list of things that you have to contend with. For example, you need to constantly watch your belongings in crowded places like train stations as pickpockets often operate in places like that and it doesn't matter whether you are gay, bisexual, straight or asexual - they will steal your wallet, passport and your phone regardless. Crimes like that will affect everyone alike. So most of the time when I am traveling, I am concerned about things like that which will affect any traveler regardless of their sexuality. When you are traveling to more exotic, less developed countries, there's a long list of things you have to think about, that you simply cannot take for granted: for instance, I have found out that a lot of tourists in Georgia got sick after drinking the tap water there, despite the fact that the locals do that regularly but then again, the locals are used to whatever bacteria or microorganisms there are in the water and so are not affected by them. So as you can see, there's a pretty long list of things I need to be aware of when traveling and homophobia is just one of the many things I have to be aware of. So this brings me neatly to my next point.

Do you do your homework before you travel? 

Some people do virtually no homework before they travel and they take a guided tour - that means they just pay one flat fee to the travel agent and are taken care of by a guide throughout the entire trip. This is often a more expensive option of course and your experience will depend a lot of whether you get a good guide or not. If you want to travel independently the way I do, then there is a lot of research you want to do before you even book your flights: so even for something as simple as booking a hotel, I read through loads of reviews on websites like Tripadvisor and explore alternatives like Airbnb before selecting my accommodation. Then you'll need to find out which attractions you would want to visit because you can't possibly see everything in the time you have there, so it is a question of prioritizing some attractions over the others and planning your own itinerary. I always also do some research on the local cuisine of course, because I want to know which are the most delicious local dishes that I must try when I am there. And here comes my favourite part: I always make a genuine effort to learn the local languages before I go to any country - so for my forthcoming trip to Georgia, I've memorized a lot of Georgian whilst revising my somewhat rusty Russian. Now it may seem like a lot of homework and reading prior to going on holiday (none of my friends do as much preparation as I do), but I strongly believe that the most research I invest prior to the trip - the better my experience and this is always true.
Are you a fucking stupid autistic moron? 

Hey, I'm the one who's supposed to be autistic and I don't even make such hideous mistakes. Let me give you a simple example: when meeting people in very conservative Islamic countries, men and women never shake hands - though it is perfectly okay for men to shake hands with men and women to do so with other women. I respect their culture when I am in their country so when I am there, I do what they do, I say "Salam alaikum" whilst putting my hand on my heart when greeting a woman. I have seen foreigners grab Muslim women by the hand when they are clearly reluctant to shake hands and that's when I think, you're a fucking stupid autistic moron because you're clearly not seeing things from her point of view and respecting her culture - you're only going what you normally do and that's so fucking stupid! Well, I'm not stupid, thank you very much. So this is when I got upset when I was in Puerto Rico and exploring the rather rough neighbourhood of La Perla (as featured in the famous music video for Despacito) - it is a rather high crime neighbourhood and a friend on Facebook left a comment that read, "don't hold hands with Rob in public!" And my reply was, geez, do you really think I am such a fucking stupid autistic moron? Only a really selfish, autistic gay man would be so blind to his surroundings that he would do something like show any kind of public display of affection in a rough neighbourhood like that and I can't stress this enough - I'm simply not that fucking stupid. The fact is, most people are sensible enough to be aware of their surroundings - you just have to pay attention; only super autistic people would be totally oblivious to their surroundings and even an autistic person like me can act quite rationally when I was in La Perla.
Is all this really just common sense? 

Oh yeah, it totally is. Let's go back to the issue of drinking tap water - how fucking stupid do you have to be to think, "oh I drink tap water at home, so I will drink tap water in this country I am visiting" without actually checking if it is safe to do so? In some countries, you can become very sick if you drink tap water and even the locals would not do so, not without first boiling it. If you're really that fucking stupid to do something like that, then you deserve to get whatever ailment you will get from drinking unclean tap water. Am I being unsympathetic? You bet I am - so for example in the very conservative Middle Eastern countries, even any kind of physical contact between all unmarried people of the opposite sex is frowned upon (ie. any physical display of affection), so whilst a kiss on the cheek may seem harmless in Melbourne, Paris or Toronto, that can land you in big trouble in more conservative countries even if you are indeed married. Such are the social norms there. This is when common sense should prevail - just open your eyes and don't fucking do it, don't act as if you're in your home country and obey the laws of the country you are in. Is this common sense? You bet it is but you'll be amazed how many people lack this kind of basic common sense when traveling and then still have the cheek to play the victim when they find themselves in trouble. Allow me to give you a simple example.

Punished for being lazy

Some years back, my parents along with my sister joined a tour to Spain - so I thought, okay at least they will have a guide to take them around and take care of them, they've paid for that service, they should be fine. So whilst they were there, the tour group was deposited at a big shopping center where my father was quite content to sit down and rest on a bench whilst my sister and mother went shopping. Shortly after my sister and mother disappeared into the shops, my father felt the urge to go to the toilet but had no idea where it was - so he went to the security guard and asked, "where is the toilet?" in English. The security guard spoke absolutely no English, so was unable to help my father. He had to wait till my sister came back before she could ask for that information in Spanish - thankfully, my sister isn't stubborn like my father and so she did learn enough Spanish to be able to ask for simple things like where the nearest toilets are. So my father did get to go to the toilet after all, but it was a rather uncomfortable wait for my sister to come back and my father got angry. Of course, my father then complained that the security guard was racist and unhelpful when my sister pointed out that he wasn't racist at all - he simply didn't speak English and bear in mind, this is Spain. The standard of English is generally rather poor and you might expect someone like a hotel manager to speak English well, but when it comes to your average shopping mall security guard? Forget it. So in a sense, my father wasn't punished for being 'Asian' - no, he was punished for being lazy and whose fault is that? It was his. So let's say a gay couple get beaten up for kissing in public whilst in a very homophobic country, then sorry, I find it hard to feel sorry for them if they are so lazy that they didn't do any homework about the country they are visiting and so autistic that they are oblivious to their surroundings.
Strictly no public displays of affect, ever. 

There's a difference between homophobia and racism - you can actually hide your sexuality but you can't hide your skin colour. So when booking a hotel room with my husband, I always get two single beds and when asked, we're just traveling as 'friends'. Never mind holding his hand when abroad, as a rule, I NEVER do that in London. Look, there's been a horrific story in the news this week about a 51 year old man who got into an argument with a stranger on a train and then got stabbed to death on the spot. Yeah, shit like that happens in a big city - do I want to be the victim of the next attack like that because I'm fucking stupid enough to hold my husband's hand in public? Hell no. The bottom line is that for me, being gay is what I do in the bedroom and what happens there, stays there - it doesn't ever leave the bedroom thus I would never ever hold my partner's hand in public under any circumstances and I see some of my heterosexual sexual friends are quite happy to cuddle and kiss in public - that's fine if that's what they want to do, but I don't ever want to do that kind of thing. Now the only place where I might want to do something like that is in a gay club or bar - now these are places which are clearly safe zones for the LGBT community to do what they like knowing that there are security guards on the door protecting them. Having said that, it has been years since I've even set foot in a gay bar or club as that's just not my thing. Maybe it has to do with my upbringing - I never got as much as a handshake, never mind a hug or a kiss from my Asian parents, so I am simply not that kind of person who would express my affections physically. Heck, my friend Lina gave me a hug the other day and I felt quite awkward even though we're good friends. Call me frigid if you must, perhaps it is a cultural thing - I just don't do physical displays of affection, it's simply not me.

Let's talk about the elephant in the room 

Some gays are more obvious than others - they are the effeminate ones who tend to stand out from the crowd. Years ago, when I lived in Soho, I had a neighbour who was a very effeminate gay - he tended to be either in full drag (ie. he was a man who dressed like a woman) or at best he was androgynous. But you could smell him coming a mile away as he wore very strong perfume - in the short period he lived in my block, he was viciously attacked, beaten up and robbed countless times. Yes it was quite shocking at first and it got to the point where we stopped being shocked as it became so regular. Now he wasn't specifically a victim of homophobic hate crime, but simply robbery - the people who robbed him wanted his money, his phone and his purse. The fact that he was so extremely effeminate only meant that they assumed that someone like that wouldn't fight back and would be a rather easy target. By the same token, older women are also targeted because these robbers are looking for an easy target. In the end, things got so bad that my neighbour decided to move away, declaring that it was not a safe neighbourhood for gay people. And I was like, erm hello? I'm gay too - it's just that I am not effeminate, I don't wear perfume (well, I use regular men's deodorants for my arm pits when I do sports and it ends there) and I never dress up like a woman, so actually I have never been attacked before the entire time I lived in London. Also, the fact that I am bald and ugly whilst my former neighbour had very long hair like a lady. Hence those more effeminate gays do tend to get into trouble a lot more than the ones who are bald and ugly like me.
Don't be the asshole who goes looking for trouble

So let me share with you this story - some years back I visited the beautiful country of Oman and stayed at a very nice hotel, during the buffet breakfast I saw this fat American guy (yup, it had to be fat American guy) kick up a big fuss with the restaurant staff and it got me curious enough to see what he was complaining about. Now this was a very nice 5-star hotel and the food was superb - there was a dazzling display of freshly cooked Asian and Western breakfast foods, but because this was a strict Muslim country, there were no pork products in the buffet. This fat American demanded pork sausages and bacon with his breakfast and when told he couldn't have any, he wasn't happy and started yelling at the staff - as if they would somehow just open the fridge and reach into their stash of pork hidden away in the freezer. Was he really that ignorant or stupid not to have realized? No you idiot, this is a Muslim country, they don't serve pork in their restaurant, it is against their religion! There was no pork in the restaurant and that was it. Besides, given how incredibly fat he was, he probably should have had something like fruit and soy milk for breakfast instead of bacon and sausages. Now I have no idea what the sexuality of this fat American was, but he was making enemies with the staff at the hotel. Geez, you never get what you want by being an asshole - try being polite and nice instead! The staff were very patient with him despite the fact that he acted like a bully, shouting abuse at the staff. Now if I worked in that restaurant, I probably would keep a secret stash of laxatives to put in the food/drinks of people like that; you know, just to punish him!

Nobody is really interested in what you do in the privacy of your bedroom.

The fact is even in this very homophobic countries, most people just want to get on with their lives. The staff who served me in that hotel in Oman really couldn't be bothered what I do in the privacy of my bedroom - they're not interested and as long as I leave them alone, they are more than happy to leave me alone as well. The fact is there aren't gangs of gay-hating people roaming the streets looking for gays to catch, beat up and throw in jail - if you mind your own business and keep a low profile as a tourist, then nobody is going to harass you or give you a hard time. Likewise, when I was in Russia - another extremely homophobic country - I had no trouble whatsoever as I speak some Russian and am very polite with the locals whenever I interact with them. In any case, a lot of the interactions you may have as a tourist would be very shallow - you may ask for directions, you may have polite conversation with the staff at the restaurant or the hotel but all I do is keep those conversations formal and they don't ask me any personal questions like, "are you married?" Mind you, that did happen once in Tunisia (yet another homophobic country) at the tourist information office in Tunis, I lied and I said no. I was quite surprised when she asked me that question but she had only asked because she was fascinated by the fact that I am the Chinese-looking guy who spoke French, English and Arabic with her. So she wondered if I had any children and if I would bring them up speaking as many languages as I did? It was purely a hypothetical question on her part - she didn't mean to pry into my personal life at all. I then found out that she has two children and she was trying to bring her kids up to speak French, Arabic and English, but with little success as they both hated English. Her fascination was with my ability with languages, it had nothing to do with what my personal or sex life.
Common sense, common sense and more common sense. Did I mention common sense?

I remember some time back, I had two friends from Singapore visit me in London - let's call them Mr and Mrs Teo. Now, Mr Teo had a huge camera that he hung around his neck and he was always taking photographs and I told him to put it away: after all, an Asian tourist walking around with a very expensive camera around his neck is asking for trouble. But no, he protested, it would be very troublesome to take the camera in and out of his back each time he wanted to take a photo and the camera on his phone just isn't as good. I didn't want to nag at him so I left it at that - the next day, Mrs Teo spoke to me on Facebook and informed me that Mr Teo had both his camera and wallet stolen. They were having coffee in a cafe when he had put the camera and wallet down on the table - it was in a very busy street and out of no where, this young man grabbed the camera and wallet, sprinted down the street and disappeared into the crowd. They had made a police report but were told that the chances of catching the thief were extremely slim and were instead told to contact their insurance company. I just shook my head and said, "I told you so, didn't I?" Those thieves often operate in crowded areas in central London with many tourists and would typically target people like Mr Teo who are quite careless with their belongings. Yeah this is the kind of crime you should be more worried about when you're traveling and it will affect all travelers: gay and straight alike. In fact you're far more likely to become a victim of this kind of petty theft (well I'm sure Mr Teo wouldn't consider this just 'petty' theft!) than the kind of homophobic attack that you may worry about.

How much are you willing to spend on your travels?

The fact is in any big city you visit - New York, Shanghai or Barcelona - there will always be the wrong side of town that you should stay away from. I have heard stories of budget travelers who wanted to save money by choosing a cheap motel 'on the wrong side of the tracks', in a sleazier part of town only to find themselves in a dodgy neighbourhood where they don't feel safe at all after dark. Some cities can be quite expensive to visit but this is not the way to save money! So when you put yourself in a situation like that, then you are indeed compromising on your safety - whether you are gay, straight, bisexual or asexual, you're far more likely to become a victim of crime because of the neighbourhood where you are staying, rather than your sexuality per se. By the same token, if you are staying in a 5-star hotel in a much safer neighbourhood, then you have little to worry to about for example if you're returning to your hotel late at night after an evening out in town. So how safe you will be does depend a lot on how much money you are willing to spend on your holiday, rather than your sexuality per se. The more money you spend, the safer you will be. Having said that, Mr and Mrs Teo did stay in a very nice hotel in London (well I know they are quite rich) but I'm afraid Mr Teo was simply way too careless when he was in that cafe. Mind you, you could probably leave your phone, camera and wallet on a table in somewhere like Japan and it would be perfectly fine, but I would certainly not do that in a city like London or Melbourne.
Then there is the philosophical issue of course... 

I suppose once we get past the issue of personal safety, there is a philosophical and ethical issue of visiting a vehemently homophobic country: do I want to spend my tourist dollars there, boosting their economy and indirectly supporting a government which takes such an anti-gay stance? Why would I want to spend my money there when they hate me so much, since I am gay? Shouldn't I be heading to countries like Canada instead of Russia to spend my holidays, because I know that the Canadian government takes a very progressive stance when it comes to gay rights? I guess the answer to that is even if the Russian government hates gays, not all Russian people are homophobic and in fact I have loads of Russian friends who are totally cool with my sexuality. Heck, I'm from British and just because my government is currently trying to deliver Brexit (and that's another story for another day) doesn't mean that I want Brexit or even voted for it in the first place - I obviously voted for the UK to remain in the EU but sadly the vote didn't deliver the result I wanted. So as you can see, not everyone automatically agrees with and supports the stance their country's governments take. If you wanted to split hairs, I could find something about every country's government's human rights recrod that I disagree with and by that token, I would never travel to another country and never take a foreign holiday if I were to boycott every country which has a government that has done something that has displeased me. Hence I travel there with my eyes open - I'm certainly not naive nor am I ignorant about the problems in the many countries that I visit.

Okay, so that's it from me on this issue. What do you think? Are you a member of the LGBT community concerned about your safety when traveling? Perhaps you have friends or family who are LGBT and you have questions about their safety when they travel? What about your personal experiences regarding issues of crime and safety when you have been abroad? What issues bother you when you travel abroad? Please leave a comment below and many thanks for reading.

4 comments:

  1. Never mind gay couples, I don't what to see any couple holding hands or kissing in public. Your partner isn't going anywhere. Just walk already! You can tell married and unmarried couples apart by their level of pda. I digress.
    A lot of this is common sense like you said.

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    1. I was quite surprised in Georgia (literally just got back an hour ago) - I booked a double room with my hubby and we were always offered a double bed like of course you're a gay couple and I'm like huh? Isn't this a really conservative Eastern European Ex-Soviet Orthodox country? Nope, you're a paying customer. Mind you, we always asked for single beds as I had fallen ill and I didn't want to pass my germs to Rob but in the end, he was coughing all night and having a runny nose too. Now that's the kind of thing you have to watch out for whilst traveling.

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  2. I love your Blogs, man.. they made me laugh and made my day. You can bring a person out of Singapore but can never take the Singapore culture out of one. I can sense you are unpretentious who calls out people bullshit when you see one, though the Auntie in me need to read past your emotions and see the humour and beauty. You are so loud and I love it! Hope you find some comfort with like-minded friends this month!

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