The inverse relationship: more porn, no sex?

Hi guys, in my last post, I focused on the case study in Japan where a surprisingly high number of young Japanese people are asexual - that means that have no sex, 43% are virgins and 64% never even had a relationship before. This is despite the fact that Japan is extremely liberal when it comes to sex and has a booming adult entertainment industry - the biggest in Asia. So if these are the figures for a country like Japan, one can only imagine how much higher the figures are in a country as conservative in Singapore where people are generally a lot more prudish about sex. I remember when I was young, my parents used to be very careful about what we were allowed to see on television. They were squeamish and prudish about anything that could be related to sex - so they were afraid for example, that if I I saw two people kiss on TV, I would want to imitate that and start kissing the girls at school (yeah right, I'm gay - I'm not interested in kissing girls). So in today's blog post, I shall explore this bizarre inverse relationship between sex and porn being so widely viewed on the internet and the lack of interest in looking for the real thing amongst young people today.

"Mummy, daddy, he has one, so I want one too!" 

So let's start with the traditional approach to this issue way back in my primary school days: my classmate Henry brought a new toy to school, it was a Transformer and back then in the mid 1980s, it was not widely available in Singapore then and his uncle had brought that toy for him back from America. Naturally, we were all curious and wanted to have a look at, some of the kids who saw that toy wanted to have one too, so they ran home and asked their parents, "can you buy me a Transformer please?" Now whether or not they actually got one is another matter, but the fact is they coveted one, they desired one, they desperately wanted to have one after having played with Henry's Transformer. When these Transformer toys started appearing in Singapore, the parents were taken aback at just how expensive these new toys were and I overheard one of the parents saying, "I wish that Henry never brought that expensive toy to school to show off, now all the kids would want one too." So in this example, it is pretty simple: if the kids see something nice like an expensive new toy, then naturally they would want one too. I can just hear them say, "if Henry can have one, why can't I have one too?" So their way to keep your kids from desiring all these things is to shield them from it, protect them from it so they will never see them in the first place and thus they will never be able to covet something they didn't know existed.

Is there a precedent to set a pattern?

That principle may apply in the case of an expensive toy for children, but what about sex? Will young people naturally crave sex just because they watch porn on the internet? Would it follow the same logic as the kids in my class who wanted to have a Transformer toy like Henry after seeing his? Well, that's a rather simplistic assumption that isn't always the case. Firstly, just because you encounter something doesn't mean you will automatically like it - even in the case of Henry's Transformer, it was notable that it was mostly the boys in the class who expressed great interest in the toy, whereas the girls in the class were far less excited about it. This was the 1980s when gender stereotypes were a lot stronger and the girls in my class back then probably were conditioned to play with Barbie dolls rather than toy trucks - so when they saw a Transformer, they had already been conditioned to say no to it though to be fair, a few girls did find it fascinating nonetheless. So whether or not we react favourably to something for the first time depends a lot on other things that we already like - so whether or not a child will like a new toy will depend a lot on whether or not the child has enjoyed playing with similar kinds of toys in the past. So if a young person was brought up with absolutely no exposure to sex or pornography, viewing a hardcore pornographic film for the first time might illicit an indifferent reaction, no more than a shrug of the shoulders - the same way some of the girls in my class gave a cursory glance at Henry's new Transformer and took no interest. It simply wasn't their cup of tea as it was nothing like the toys that they already have.

How about exercising some quality control?

I like shopping, oh I like going to one of those big malls with loads of shops so I can look at a wide variety of products from clothes to electronic gadgets to nice food. But do I get my credit card out and buy something every time I see something nice? No, that's because I am sensible enough to exercise some self-control - after all, it is not as if everything in the mall is nice. I would gladly spend money if I see something that I really like even if it is expensive, but I would avoid the mistake of buying something in a sale just because it is cheap despite the fact that I don't really like it that much. The whole objective of the shopping exercise is to return with something nice that I like, rather than buying as much as possible. I may buy nothing if I don't find anything suitable and that's fine too. What I am describing is perfectly rational behaviour that also applies to people who are sexually active - sure they may be open to the idea of having sex with another consenting adult, but it doesn't mean that they have no quality control whatsoever for a very simple reason: bad sex. Yes, sex can be awfully unpleasant if you find yourself in bed with someone you don't really find attractive, have no chemistry with and most rational people would simply say, "no thanks" rather than risk ending up in such a nightmarish situation. So let's spend a moment talking about bad sex as I don't think many people are open enough about this issue.

People will avoid bad sex

Oh sex can be awful, it can be terrible, I can't do the topic justice here so here's a link in a British newspaper on the issue of bad sex. So if you're given the choice between bad sex and no sex, the answer is obvious because not having sex is infinitely better than having bad sex. Allow me to use an analogy that everyone (even asexuals and virgins who have no experience or interest in sex) can understand: we all want to live in a beautiful house, that's practically universal. However, if you want to buy a house, well you had better have a lot of money, preferably a few million dollars if you want to go shopping for your dream home. The less money you have, the more limited your choices will be.  Trying to find sex is pretty much the same thing - the difference is that currency we're dealing with is your good looks and other facts (such as your wit and charm) that contribute to your sex appeal. If you're tall, well-built and charming, then you will find it pretty easy to attract a mate. But if you're a nerdy geek with no charms, then the only kind of sex you're ever going to find is bad sex. A bit like the poor man who doesn't have much money when looking for a property to buy, an ugly man really has little or no choice when it comes to the sex market. If all you have is say $10,000, then there's no way you can even start thinking about putting together a deposit for a small flat, you need to have a sizable pot of money before you can even start to think about buying a property. Likewise, if you fall below a certain standard in the looks department, then finding sex will be practically impossible as nobody would lower their standards that low to settle for you. The higher your standards, the higher the risk of bad sex happening when the other partner fails to perform up to your (high) standards.

Why not just pay for it then? 

That's a good question - if you're ugly but if you have money, why not just pay for sex with a prostitute then? You'll be amazed how people totally turn their noses up at the idea of paying for sex because of the stigma associated with it. We have this stereotypical idea of the ugly old person who has to resort to paying for sex because they are so ugly there's no other way they can get laid - few of us are willing to put ourselves in that category. We would like to think that even if we're not good looking enough to be models, we're at least appealing enough to get laid without having to pay for it. So it is not even out of any moral issue that we may have with using prostitutes, it is more a question of our self-image. And so let's come up with a hypothetical situation: an ugly, geeky 50 year old virgin has never had sex before and his friends decide to treat him on his birthday, so they arrange for an exquisite, expensive prostitute to show up in his hotel room whilst they are on holiday. The woman they hired is absolutely stunning and our 50 year old virgin can't believe his luck when he opens the door of his hotel room. But can we assume he will have good sex even under those circumstances? No, because in all probability, he would get nervous or even panic as he wouldn't know what to do with a woman. He'll be desperately trying to remember what he has seen in the porn videos he has seen and probably feel extremely self-conscious through the process. What follows is probably a comedy of errors, whereby he keeps apologizing to the beautiful lady for being unable to perform. So just because you (or your friends) are willing to pay good money for sex, doesn't mean you can guarantee good sex. With that in mind, many people in that position will think, why waste money?

There are some problems even money can't solve.

So, allow me to give you an analogy to illustrate my point and this is based on a true story involving someone I know in Singapore. Cheng (not his real name) grew up in Singapore but he was always fascinated with snow and winter sports. He loved nothing more than going on Youtube and seeing skiing videos. But of course, there's no chance to do winter sports and Cheng didn't come from the kind of rich family that could afford expensive skiing holidays. So Cheng planned for a long time, when he finally started working, he saved up to pay for the perfect skiing holiday in New Zealand and when he showed up at the ski resort, he said, "money is no object, I want to to have your best skis and your best instructor. I don't care how much they cost, this has been my dream and desire for a long time and I want this experience to be perfect." So equipped with the best skis and partnered with the best instructor in New Zealand, Cheng was certain he was going to have a good time. But even after a whole week of lessons, Cheng just didn't have the physical ability to ski as he was not fit to begin with - he lacked the core strength to control his movements and just couldn't master the art of balancing on skis. On the last day, he crashed into a metal barrier and broke both legs. Of course, Cheng never attempted to ski again after that accident. Just because Cheng wanted to ski badly didn't mean that he could actually ski. No amount of money he was willing to throw at his skiing adventure could have changed the outcome - kinda like our 50 year old virgin in the hypothetical situation as discussed previously because his fantasy involved performing like the experts he has seen so many times on the videos but he simply lacked the physical ability and talent to perform like that.

The bar is set very high because of internet porn

There was a time in the 1980s and before, when porn was very hard to get hold of and most of us had little or no idea what sex ought to be like. The first time I saw a porn movie was when I was at a house party in my army days in 1996 and someone had managed to procure a Japanese VHS porn video - I wasn't turned on by it, all I remember was laughing at the very bad acting. It featured a couple who met whilst buying ice cream and I was thinking, come on, seriously? Ice cream? How does choosing between vanilla and strawberry lead to sex? "Oh you should try the vanilla, I know it may seem plain but this vanilla ice cream is especially creamy - would you like to have sex?" If you were going to bother with some kind of plot, you could have been a bit more imaginative than running into someone at the ice cream shop. I don't speak Japanese, but there was a lot of dialogue and someone at the party who did speak Japanese was rolling on the floor with laughter because it was all so badly scripted. Fast forward to today, where we all have high-speed internet access and it is very easy for us to watch porn free of charge on the internet - that's right, nobody pays for porn these days. You can easily go to one of the many porn portals and there's always a tab called 'category' on these porn portals - that means you can easily filter your search to find precisely the kind of porn fetish that would appeal to you. Now some of these categories are so esoteric, they make me wonder who would find that subject matter a turn on - no matter what you're into, no matter how niche, kinky or freaky, there's going to be some porn out there to suit your taste.

The gulf between the real thing and internet porn

So people who are regular consumers of internet porn are spoilt for choice - it is very easy for them to get exactly what they're looking for and find porn scenes that cater specifically to their tastes. And the longer you consume porn, you will develop specific preferences the same way we develop preferences for everything we consume from food to entertainment to clothes. What turns you on sexually is a reflection of your character the same way what you choose to wear and what kind of entertainment you enjoy is similarly a good reflection of your character. Now the problem begins when you realize that most of the people who work in the porn industry are physically attractive - there may be some who are catering for more alternative tastes, but the vast majority to conform to what society defines as 'beautiful'. So when our rather average guy finally gets to the point where he loses his virginity, all too often the experience is pretty much a let down and a disappointment, because he had been so used to seeing these expert porn stars perform in these videos, making sex look amazing and effortless whilst he was probably fumbling around in the dark, not sure what to do next and feeling extremely nervous about trying to get things right. The real thing will almost certainly be a let down compared to watching the highly skilled and very experienced experts perform it flawlessly online and at this point, many guys will realize that this is something best left to the experts and they will merely be spectators through these many porn portals.

Sex and gymnastics: just a spectator sport?

Should this surprise you? Actually no, because many things do actually turn out like that in real life! Take for example the adult gymnastics class that I regularly attend here in London. Many people do turn up and they think, oh wouldn't it be cool to be able to learn somersaults and tricks, it'll be so much fun. Then they realize by the end of the first lesson just how much effort they have to put into gymnastics, that it will probably be many months before they can even hold a handstand or turn a cartwheel. At which point, most decide to drop out and try another sport or social activity instead which takes less effort, but some do persist and stay on in the adult gymnastics class - coming back week after week and finally, after a year or two, they finally manage to do some nice skills like a front somersault or a back handspring, something at least worthy of an Instagram post that will get some likes. So what does gymnastics have in common with sex? Neither are easy and a lot of people would actually prefer to be a spectator rather than try to take part because they are afraid of failure. But with the amount of practice and a good coach to show you how to perform the tricks safely, you can improve and master some pretty impressive routines. Trying to learn how to perform sex like a porn star through watching porn is like trying to learn gymnastics by watching world and Olympic champion Simone Biles perform on Youtube - in short, you're only kidding yourself if you think, "oh yeah I could do that to - I'm sure I can do a somersault too". No, you can't. Do you know how hard someone like Simone Biles trains to win that Olympic gold medal? Well the same principle applies to sex and that's why a lot of the adults out there are actually pretty crap at it (and they know it).

Do you have the confidence to rise to the occasion and perform?

Perhaps I am pointing out the obvious, but without at least some confidence you will find it very hard to even contemplate having sex with anyone. What if they don't like you? What if they start criticizing your body and they don't like what they see? What if you do everything wrong and the other party just laughs at how clueless you are? If we start thinking about all the many things that could go wrong during sex, it is a wonder any of us even dare to take the risk and actually go through with it. Some people are naturally quite shy and they would find a situation like attending a job interview already very intimidating - so imagine what it must be like for someone like to face the prospect of getting intimate with someone for the first time, would they have the confidence to go through with it or would they just run the other way? There is a trend in East Asia which actually exemplifies this situation: the solo karaoke booth which is available in countries like China, South Korea and Japan. No longer would you have to stand in front of a intimating crowd of strangers, no longer would you have to worry if you sing out of tune or if they will boo at your efforts. Introducing the solo karaoke booth where you can literally sing as if no one is listening because, well, nobody is as you're in a sound-proof both. The karaoke machine allows you to record your own performance and you may even make your own music video in that booth, but it is specifically designed for very shy people who want to do karaoke but hate the idea of performing in front of strangers.

No selfies for Felicia

Oh we live in the age of the selfie, right? But allow me to share a story to demonstrate that there is a whole group of other people who shy away from displaying any kind of image of themselves online. Some years ago, I celebrated my birthday by inviting several of my friends around for a meal and naturally, I took some photos of the occasion and uploaded them onto Facebook. On of my former colleagues Felicia (not her real name) immediately asked me to remove those photos from Facebook and I was frustrated - I wanted to share those photos, I had all my friends around me as I blew out the candles on my birthday cake, why couldn't I share that photo? Turns out Felicia thought she looked ugly in that photo and just didn't want that image to exist online in any shape or form and she regretted even posing for that group photo. I was left puzzled, after all, I thought she looked pretty normal in that photo - she looked just the way she usually looks. There was nothing terribly unflattering about that photo but I respected her wishes and removed that photo. If you were to look at Felicia's Instagram feed, you won't find a single photo of herself: instead you'll find photos of beautiful scenery, sunsets, flowers, birds and other things she finds beautiful. I think it is rather sad that she doesn't find herself beautiful enough to want to share on Instagram, but people like Felicia exist. She is the total opposite of the egotistical millennial who uploads several selfies a day onto Instagram along with fifty hashtags in a desperate bid to get people all over the world to follow her on social media, as exemplified by the famous song 'Selfie' by the Chainsmokers.

Felicia's side of the story

So why is Felicia against having her photo being on social media? Well I asked her about it and here's her side of the story: "I am sick and tired of the way people are being objectified on this whole social media. People are uploading selfies of themselves doing everything from brushing their teeth to walking their dogs to trying to look sexy whilst eating breakfast: it's just so ridiculous, this constantly need for attention online, as if your self-esteem depends on how many likes you got for your latest selfie on Instagram. It is one thing when you get love from your friends, colleagues and family members - but when you get thousands of likes on Instagram from complete strangers because you are showing your cleavage or butt in a sexy selfie, what kind of attention is that? What kind of person needs attention like that and goes out of her way to seek it? These people spend so much time, energy and effort thinking about how to please others, when I am doing the opposite, I say fuck it, fuck social media. I'm only going to please myself and none of it is going to be on any social media for the rest of the world to judge because I don't give a shit. I don't need approval on social media because the only opinion that matters is my own. Let me tell you this: it is so freaking liberating to not give a shit about what people think - those haters can judge me all they want of course but I am not going to waste a second of my time considering their opinions. I don't care. I see all these skinny bitches who spend so much money on cosmetics and they have to wake up early every morning just to spend like an hour applying layers of make up, making themselves beautiful to face the world but I get that one extra hour in bed, sleeping and oh yeah, I'm so much happier for that. #beautysleep"

Pessimism, not fitting in and giving up

I am friends with Felicia because she is funny, witty and speaks her mind - she is also very intelligent and good at her job. You may read her rant above and think, oh yeah she sounds like a barrel of laughs and indeed, she is plenty of fun to hang out with of course. That's why I wanted her at my birthday party. However, with an attitude like that, well, you can only imagine what she looks like. I wouldn't call her ugly, I think she has nice facial features but it is clear that she makes absolutely zero effort to try to look beautiful for others and if I may be blunt, she is somewhat overweight as well. Well, Felicia is in her mid-40s now and lives alone with her cat - yes unfortunately she does fit the stereotype of the spinster, the older single woman who has given up trying to look for a relationship. Sure she can pour a lot of bitter scorn and cynicism on the younger women who go out of their way to try to look beautiful and attract attention online, but I can't help but feel that people like Felicia have taken things too far in the opposite direction given how her lack of interest in pleasing anyone else means not looking for a relationship. You can see why someone like Felicia would look at the photos of all these skinny, attractive young people on Instagram getting millions of followers and simply choosing to turn her back on it because she doesn't see how she can possibly fit in when she is quite different altogether. She believes that only these attractive, skinny people who have loads of followers on social media get dates, find partners, fall in love and get married because of the way their looks whilst others like her don't stand a chance, so she isn't even going to try. I do respect Felicia's stance on the matter but I just find her pessimism and cynicism about the whole situation rather sad.

But does Felicia have a point?

Well yes and no. I think Felicia loses credibility when she takes such an extreme stance. She has an axe to grind with women she describes as 'skinny bitches' - basically, she thinks that these women who starve themselves and eat half an apple for lunch just to have the perfect figure for their Instagram photos are being held ransom by the opinions of others. "Like if they were to eat a proper meal, like if they actually ate a whole hamburger, they would worry they would put on weight and they would lose a thousand followers for every 100 grams they put on. Not me, please point me to the nearest all-you-can-eat buffet!" However, what she does is the other extreme - she eats whatever she wants, whenever she wants but this total lack of self-restraint has led to obesity. If you were to see her desk at work, she is surrounded by a pile of snacks and she starts eating from the moment she gets to her desk in the morning and doesn't stop throughout the day. Whilst I think she does have a point about people who are constantly dependent on approval from others, I do feel that she has taken things to the other extreme by totally letting herself go this way. The fact is if we want people to like us, we have to make ourselves attractive to them - that's part of the deal and the price of saying, "I'm not pleasing anyone but myself" is that you're probably going to end up alone. But is Felicia's response almost inevitable - what happens when ordinary, average (or even below average) looking people surf around on social media and all they see are images of beautiful, sexually attractive young people whilst people who look at like Felicia are quite invisible on social media? After all, why would Felicia pick a battle she just can't win by doing what all the other 'skinny bitches' are doing?

"No thank you, not for me."

People like Felicia have seen a lot of sex in the media - she is anything but prudish and yes we do talk about sex. It is a lot easier for her to have an open conversation about sex with me as I am a gay man. People like my mother are prudish about sex mostly because of a lack of knowledge of sex; but someone like Felicia is a lot younger and is not ignorant about sex. It's simply because the bar for sex has been raised so high that she has decided not to bother. Is this unnatural or unusual? Hardly. Let's deal with a simple example: in the opening credits of the series The Apprentice (UK), Lord Sugar is often seen flying into the office in a helicopter and that would cost you about £1 million (about S$1.8 million - not including the cost of each journey) - so whilst it is an expensive luxury item, it still costs the same as a nice central London house. In fact commuting by helicopter isn't such a crazy idea - in big Brazilian cities like Rio de Janerio and Sao Paulo, rich people regularly commute from their homes in the suburbs to their offices in the city center by helicopter as the rush hour traffic jams make commuting extremely slow and these millionaires are unwilling to take the overcrowded trains. But how many people will do that, just because it seems desirable and cool? Many of us will just look at the footage of Lord Sugar flying over London in a helicopter, shrug our shoulders then decide that's not for us and we won't even need to justify that reaction as it is a personal choice. By the same token, Felicia can look at Beyonce gyrating her sexy lingerie-clad body in the music video Partition and decide, no thanks, that's not for me, I'm not interested in all that.

Are you aware of how high the price is?

Staying with the example of buying your own helicopter, the price tag of the helicopter along with the ongoing maintenance and fuel costs is pretty substantial - that's enough to put a lot of rich people off, even if they do have the money. Likewise, becoming sexually desirable by today's standard comes at a very high price as well: let's start with your body. Not only do you need to be slim, you need to be toned and if you're a guy, you also need muscles. That means working out, joining a gym, paying for physical instructors and personal trainers to ensure that your body looks incredible. Then there's the diet aspect of course - you must have the discipline to deny yourself anything that contain carbohydrates. World champion gymnast Simone Biles recently said in an interview that she likes cinnamon buns and she allows herself one a year. Ouch. Just one. That may shock you but how do you think she has achieved the body she has, that enables her to become to best gymnast in the world? So this goes way beyond spending money on gym sessions and health supplements, it means denying yourself one of life's greatest pleasures: eating good food. A lot of people with incredible bodies do adhere to a very strict regime to ensure that they have as little fat as possible on their bodies - looking that good takes a lot of money and discipline, that's a very high price to pay. Oh and I've not even started on the face yet - are you willing to have Lasik surgery to avoid wearing geeky glasses? But why stop there, let's get cosmetic surgery to fix everything from your nose to your eyes to your teeth to your cheek bones so your face would look perfect. This not only costs an insane amount of money - it can also be incredibly painful to endure that much surgery!

What if you're not willing to pay the price?

But wait I'm not done yet - now that you have a desirable body and a face people would fancy, you still have to dress yourself appropriately to look trendy on social media. That means investing even more money in a wardrobe to suit your style. I was pretty blunt about this to a friend last week when he was wearing a suit jacket which seemed woefully out of date - I said to him, "do you want people to see that jacket and think that you've not bought any new clothes since 1997? What kind of message are you sending to the people at work who see you dressed like that?" So if I may state the obvious: if you want to look sexually desirable, the price to pay is actually very high. For some people it has become an impossible ideal they can never reach but even for the others who can possibly afford it - well, it is alike buying your own helicopter, even if you could find that £1 million to afford it, would you want it if it comes at such a high cost? Even if you had the money, would you want a helicopter or spend that money on something else that will bring you a lot more joy and satisfaction? Well, Felicia has chosen to say no to making the effort to try to make herself become sexually appealing, the same way I have chosen to say no to putting aside £1 million to get my own helicopter. I feel there's nothing wrong with not having a helicopter and by the same token, Felicia feels the same way about sex. You see, she may be surrounded by sex everywhere, but so what? We have come full circle back to where we have began: remember that Transformer toy which we started with in my primary school? Well, not everyone in the class was actually interested in it.

So there you go, that's my take on why many adults today are having a lot less sex today than you might think. What do you think? What has been your experience then? Are you a young adult who is celibate? What are the reasons that you're not particularly interested in sex? What are the factors that determine whether or not you embrace celibacy? Do you allow the porn you have seen to affect the way you relate to sex in real life? Do you feel liberated by being able to watch pornography? Leave a comment below - let's start a healthy discussion about the issue. Many thanks for reading.