Asian parents, sex and a toilet with a window

Hi again guys, today I want to talk about something that has been a major part of my upbringing though not many people tend to talk about it openly. I'll like to introduce this topic by recounting an incident when my mother first visited my new house two years ago - I have two bathrooms, one with a window and one without. My mother was extremely reluctant to use the bathroom with a window and I was determined to find out why as it was the nicer bathroom by a long way - it was far more spacious and because it had natural light, I could put loads of beautiful indoor plants in it, creating a steamy warm tropical jungle effect as you relax in a hot bath. Well, it turns out that my mother was paranoid of someone peeping at her whilst using the toilet: I then pointed it out to her that the window mostly faces a brick wall, but from an oblique angle, part of it faces a field and on the other side of the field are some buldings, but that's about 150 meters away at least and there are several trees in the field obscuring the view anyway. Furthermore, during daylight hours, the glass on the window would reflect the trees, the sky, the building and any other objects outside the toilet rather than allow the person to look into the toilet. In short, even if someone had a powerful pair of binoculars, it was highly improbable that they would be able to see anything. And even if they could somehow see something, why the hell would they want to?

Would you use a toilet which has a window?

But we're dealing with my mother here, she doesn't understand basic science (or mathematics for that matter). She allows her paranoia to cloud her judgement. So for example, the nice bathroom in question is on the 2nd floor of the building (the third floor, depending on whether or not you use the British or the American system - in Singapore you tend to use the American system), so the bathroom in question which is at least 7.5 meters up from the ground level, but wait, you have to add an additional 1.25 meters at least as the window is raised off the ground - so in terms of the physics to achieve a line of sight, you need to be at least 9 meters off the ground in order to look down into the bathroom and watch someone on the toilet. But the further away you move away from the window, the higher you would need to be to have that line of sight. So whilst it is very easy for someone on the third floor to look down onto the street below by simply moving right up to the window, it is impossible for someone on street level to somehow look into a third floor window - my mother doesn't seem to understand that basic logic. So the only way someone could realistically spy on me on that toilet is if they flew a drone right up to my window to film me on the toilet and even if that is possible, why would someone want to go to such lengths? Only the paparazzi spying on celebrities might do something that extreme. So no, I don't worry about  that and simply enjoy the fact that I have a nice bathroom with a large window letting in plenty of natural light.

So why was my mother paranoid about perverts spying on her through that bathroom window then? Well, let's go back to my childhood - my mother was paranoid about me and my siblings going out, because in her mind, we could end up doing drugs and having sex if we were out at the mall, making the wrong kind of friends and that would lead to teenage pregnancies and a whole lot of trouble. Ironically, the chances of that happening was pretty darn slim and there were far greater threats to my academic performance at school - for example, I wasn't good at time management and would often be so disorganized that I would leave important things to the last minute. I was also incredibly sleep deprived as I used to stay up very late even though I had to get up early for school - these are the far more mundane issues that affect most teenagers, but somehow my mother wasn't concerned about that at all. She was focused, nay make that obsessed with making sure we were not having sex as teenagers, as if sex was the only distraction around! So her logic was, if we are at home, doing our homework and revising for our exams, then at least we were safe - if we were out of the house, she had no control over what we would do. Of course, that principle no longer applies to my nephew - he could be a few meters away from her and still watching the most depraved hardcore porn on his phone, she would be none the wiser.

But this goes way beyond her parenting methods - the fact that she was afraid to use my toilet with a window (note that her toilet in Singapore does not have a window) makes me think that she is generally afraid about anything that could vaguely be associated with sex. I can understand if someone has been sexually abused, then it is evident why they feel that way about sex. I remember a neighbour many years ago who was once chased and then bitten by a dog when she was a young girl, she then became terrified of all dogs. But can you be afraid of something you have little or no contact with? Actually you can, but it's a completely different process altogether. In Japanese culture, there have been various depictions of the lion for centuries despite the fact that Japan is way too cold for lions - the natural habitat for lions can be found in the hotter places like tropical Africa and Western India. Of course, people in Japan today know exactly what a lion looks like, but back when it was introduced into Japanese mythology centuries ago, you couldn't just Google a picture of a lion or go along to the local zoo to see a lion there - hence the closest they got to seeing a lion was the paintings brought to Japan by traders who had procured those paintings in India and Africa. So the statues of the lions in Japanese temples (known as Komainu 狛犬 or Shishi 獅子 in Japanese) look little like real lions, but are designed to be fierce, scary looking creatures that stand guard at the entrance of the temples, keeping away evil spirits. The Japanese lions look so frightening not because someone has actually met one, but they decided to make them appear very scary.

Of course, religion uses the threat of divine retribution as a way to control their believers. Take Christianity for example, Christians believe in the concept of heaven and hell - so if you are not a believer or if you are a terrible sinner whilst you're on this earth, you would be condemned to spend an eternity in hell in the afterlife. But if you are a believer who repents, then you would be taken up into heaven. Now nobody on this earth can prove the existence of an after life, but this threat of spending an eternity in hell is enough to keep many Christians from sinning - it's really no different from the lions in Japan a few centuries ago, nobody has been to hell and returned to earth with proof that it exists: all Christians have are stories about what it would be like and like the Japanese artistes, they have used their own imagination to create a vision of hell so horrific that they would not want to end up there. Likewise, many Christians would be afraid of sinning because they believe that their god is watching over them - this is a belief based on faith rather than proof, faith is the concept of believing that something will happen without demanding proof. And of course, yes, my mother is very religious as well, so she is more than happy to believe in something without demanding any kind of proof or evidence.

Nonetheless, there are so many different ways to sin - the seven deadly sins are as follows: greed, pride, envy, gluttony, sloth, wrath and lust. Yet my mother seemed overly obsessed with lust whilst conveniently ignoring the others like gluttony, oblivious to the fact that she was overweight. In fact quite a lot of her friends at her church were fat too, but that didn't seem to bother them at all. You see, people usually have some concept of bargaining when it comes to the severity of their sin - so if you were to conveniently 'forget' to recycle the plastic bottle you just drank from because you were too much in a hurry to look for a place to recycle it, then you could think, oh well it's no big deal as it is just a little bottle and it's not like it is a nasty sin like rape or murder. So some people start enforcing their own judgement about which sins are more serious than others - let me give you an example. I have talked about my friend Pauline (not her real name) in a post last year. She is a mother of four and is a housewife. When I spoke to her, she was quite vehemently attacking mothers who work long hours and neglect their children - clearly, being a housewife, she has plenty of time to spend with her children and thus she was putting herself on a pedestal. But since her husband isn't earning much and she has four children, they are struggling to make ends meet and can't afford a lot of things that their children would like. For example, one of her daughters would love to take ballet lessons but they just can't afford it. If Pauline had managed to keep working, then at least they would have two working adults in the family and they wouldn't be as poor as they are today.

Yes, there is a problem when parents work such long hours that they do not spend enough quality time with their children - I actually agree with Pauline on that point. However, when parents simply do not earn enough to make ends meet and put their children through poverty (as in the case of Pauline), that's a different problem and one that is equally serious. Pauline is eager to point out the faults of other parents but seems oblivious to her own faults, or at least she has conveniently shoved them into a blind spot. She isn't interested in looking in the mirror and analyzing where she has gone wrong or how she could be a better mother, no she just wants to put others down so she can feel better about herself. So in the case of my mother, she is faithful to my father and has never ever looked at porn in her life - she once freaked out when she found out that one of the books I had to do for my A level English literature exam contained description of a sex scene. If being prudish about sex was an Olympic sport, my mother would win the gold medal. So she's never going to commit any sins in the 'lust' department, so that's why the moment she realizes that someone like my teenage nephew is looking at porn on the internet, she freaks out. Not so much because she even has any concept of what porn is or what the impact of watching porn may have, but it is one thing she actually excels at: chastity and purity, that's exactly her cue to make others feel bad about how lustful and sinful they are, because in doing so, she is reminding herself how chaste and pure she is compared to them - putting herself on a pedestal does make her boost her self-esteem and make her feel good, so she keeps doing it. I'm not justifying this kind of behaviour, but it is so common.

So this is why so many Asian parents get obsessed with the issue of sex and go to great lengths to ensure that their children remain chaste and virginal because abstaining from sex is the one good thing they are really good at. Did being this chaste and having so little contact with sex in her life actually help someone like my mother? I don't think so, I don't think it made much of a difference. Yet in her opinion, if you allow teenagers to have a boyfriend/girlfriend, it would be a slippery slope because the sex would make them so distracted from their studies that they would end up on the scrap heap of society when they end up having a teenage pregnancy on their hands.  Is there any truth to it? There is, but just a only little. Take my 15-year old nephew for instance, whilst he's being a very good boy and he's definitely not going round having sex at his age, I'm far more concerned about the amount of time he spends playing computer games and that could pose a serious threat to his studies. Computer games are fun and can be highly addictive. Are my parents concerned about that? No, not at all because they are far more worried about him finding a girlfriend or being 'morally corrupted' after looking at porn on the internet. They are so focused on one potential problem that they have become totally oblivious to a far bigger one that is already present - such is the problem when you have such a huge blind spot.

But of course, there is also the problem of the setting your own targets - just because you have achieved the goals you have set yourself doesn't mean that you've done a good job. Now I am a big fan of the reality TV show The Amazing Race and I remember in one episode, one of the teams who got eliminated laughed it off and said something like, "oh it doesn't really matter, we came on the race to have fun and we had a lot of fun along the way, so no regrets!" And I thought, you idiots, people go on this show to win the grand prize of US$1 million, that's one of the most attractive prizes you can win in reality TV. Who goes on this show just to have fun? If you want to have a stress-free fun time, then just book a holiday to go somewhere nice and have all the fun you want. If you're not interested in winning the US$1 million prize, then you should let another team have the opportunity to take part in the programme! Likewise, even if the Asian parents do manage to impose and enforce chastity on their children, they may be happily patting themselves on their backs for being such good parents, for saving their children from the temptation of lust - but like the team who set the wrong goal of simply having fun on The Amazing Race, before you start high-fiving each other, you need to consider if you have even picked the right goals in the first place.  After all, someone like my nephew can still fail his exams even if he has no sex at all, doesn't look at porn but allows himself to be distracted by something like computer games. That's the problem with Asian parents: they are so obsessed with sex and lust that they ignore all other threats and problems.

Let's have a reality check here: how real is this threat from lust and sex in terms of derailing our teenagers from their studies or indeed, derailing working adults from their careers? I remember how my parents would get on their moral high horse the moment the news of some local celebrity having an affair hit the headlines (take Jack Neo for instance), they would then use the case study as evidence of how evil the temptations of lust can be and why we should guard ourselves against the sins of the flesh. Is it really that easy to get sex? Hell no - have you tried? In reality, the number of people who are sexually active are actually very low in this generation - sure technology has facilitated finding sex online with various dating apps, but you need to be pretty darn attractive (or at least above average in looks) if you're going to become popular on those apps. We like to think that apps make our lives easier - using Uber (or Grab, if you're in SE Asia), you can get a taxi within moments. Many fast food restaurants now have apps where you can order online and the food would be delivered to your doorsteps very quickly. There is a big difference between those apps and Grindr/Tinder (or other similar dating apps) - when you order a McDelivery online, you are paying for the food - it is a very straight forward financial transaction. When you use a dating app, there's no financial transaction, it is just two consenting adults agreeing to meet up for great sex - therein lies the problem if you're not willing to pay for something of such high value.

Most people who go onto these apps looking for someone desirable, good looking and sexually appealing - so let's classify these people as the top 10% most good looking people online in these apps. If you happen to be average (or even below average) in the looks department, you're highly unlikely to find anyone willing to hook up with you on these apps - the irony is that even ugly people still want to have sex with good looking people. Yes it is a classic case of 癞蛤蟆想吃天鹅肉 (Chinese proverb: the toad wishing to have a taste of the swan's flesh) but the reason why this is the case is because even ugly people will look at porn and have a very idealized vision of how sex should be like. Porn offers a fantasy vision of how awesome sex could be - where beautiful people have incredible sex and as the internet has made porn widely available to anyone interested now, it raises the bar very high in terms of what ordinary people expect when they do have sex. Let me give you an analogy: back in the 1980s in Singapore, I had some horrible pizzas because nobody knew what a proper Italian pizza was supposed to taste like. I remember once encountering an 'Asian pizza' bun with tomato ketchup, char-siu, spring onions and shiitake mushrooms (香菇) in Bishan back in 1990, they claimed that was a 'pizza' despite the fact that it didn't even have cheese on it but because the locals didn't know any better back then, so they still bought it and consumed it. But in 2018, the people in Bishan know exactly what a proper pizza is supposed to taste like and yes, there are now plenty of places all of Singapore where you can get excellent, authentic pizza today. So would you still get away with selling that weird Asian pizza today?  No way, no one would want to eat it.

So what you do have is a situation where everybody wants to sleep with the top 10% on these apps, but the top 10% have no desire to sleep with the bottom 90% (or even 95 to 99%) of the people on these apps. So unless you are anywhere close to the top 10% of attractive people on these apps, your chances of actually getting laid is pretty low, even if you're more than happy to lower your standards and go for someone in the bottom 10%! These apps of course, are not responsible for ensuring that you end up finding someone willing to have sex with you - they are merely there to provide a platform where you can talk to others in the area who want to find a date. The users get bombarded with advertising as they try to use the apps and the only people who end up happy are those in the top 10% and of course, the companies running the dating apps. In fact, the only way you can be guaranteed of getting the kind of sex you want, the kind of sex you have seen in the porn movies, is if you are willing to pay good money for it - then we're dealing with a completely different kind of sex altogether, the kind you pay for and that doesn't come cheap at all. In fact, it is very expensive and so once again, unless you're rich enough to pay for that kind of service, most people don't and simply end up not having a sex life. The number of young adults out there who are asexual, celibate and are not even trying to find sex at all is on the rise in spite of the impact of the internet - you can view porn easily, but getting laid is so much harder.

Let's take the case study of Japan: this is one of Asia's most liberal countries when it comes to sex, home to Asia's biggest porn industry. The Japanese were making loads of porn even back in the 1980s and 1970s, way before anyone had thought about putting in on the internet and that's simply a reflection of how liberal they are as a society when it comes to sex. From Geishas to Shunga 春画 (traditional Japanese erotic art from the period 1600 to 1800) to the highly sexualized images we see in Manga anime (Hentai 変態/Yaoi やおい), the image we outsiders have of Japan is that they are not just a liberal but highly sexually active society where people enjoy loads of sex. But the truth couldn't be further from that image: according to a BBC report, 43% Japanese people between the ages of 18 to 34 are virgins by choice - they are simply not interested in having sex and 64% have not even had a relationship. And even for those who are married, well they're not having sex either and that has resulted in the birth rate plummeting to an all time low. So even this is the case in a country like Japan which has such a liberal attitude when it comes to sex, can you imagine what the situation must be like in Singapore where attitudes towards sex are a lot more prudish and conservative? Why are people like my mother even worried about a problem that doesn't even exist, when there are far more real problems like mental health issues to deal with? I'd be more worried about my nephew ending up like one of those young adults in Japan who have turned their backs on relationship and sex, rather than be paranoid about him getting distracted by sex.

The answer is simple: when you pick a battle you just cannot win, you will end up with nothing but frustration. Sure I care about the environment, but when I read about the rate the polar ice caps are melting and how so many countries really don't care about how much they pollute the environment, I feel a sense of helplessness - as if meticulously sorting out my recycling is going to make the slightest bit of difference! Parenting is a very complex process, there are so many problems and challenges that you will face on a daily basis and often, there are things that you simply cannot control, that are simply out of your hands and it can drive you nuts. Is your child doing well at school? Can your child get into a good university in this highly competitive environment? And even if your child can do that as a student, will your child be able to get a good job upon graduation? Will your child grow up to be a happy, confident adult? These are complex problems that parents will not be able to easily solve - so an easy goal to score, one of the lowest hanging fruits for them to pick is the issue of sex and sexuality. So in the case of the Asian parent, making sure their children turn out abstinent and celibate may seem counterproductive when you look at the situation in Japan today, but for them, it is an easy goal they can score. "Whilst I've not sorted out the issue of my child's further education, at least I have made sure my child isn't interested in sex and is not having any distractions from his studies! I have fulfilled my role as a parent, I'm so awesome!" Yeah right, that's a poor approach to parenting but you'll be amazed how many Asian parents think like that.

Let's look at the psychology behind this: if you know that the outcome of something is pretty predictable, then it is easy to celebrate the outcome. So for example, birthdays are commonly celebrated around the world - it is pretty predictable of course, we all know when our birthdays are. So for merely staying alive until we reach our next birthdays, we declare it a reason to celebrate with elaborate cakes, parties and presents. Announce that it is your birthday on Facebook and you will have friends whom you have not heard from in a long time suddenly rushing to give you birthday greetings as if it is such a big deal. Compare that to supporting a football team that has little chance of winning, it is a frustrating experience if your team loses practically every match they play. That's why people from all over the world tend to support a team that usually wins, as that enables them to partake in the celebrations when their team wins. Most Asian parents probably know that the chances of their daughters turning out to be the next Annabel Chong are as negligible as spring not arriving after winter. So they set a really easy target for themselves to achieve, whilst making it out that they have been such incredibly good parents in steering their children away from sex. They exaggerate the 'threat' that they have saved their children from, so they can congratulate themselves as being such good parents even if their child ends up like one of those celibate Japanese young people who have turned their back on sex and relationships. No matter, they'll still go on dismissing those in healthy relationships as sluts and whores just to make themselves feel good about themselves.

Making your child not interested in sex and relationship isn't difficult these days, in fact, if you were to look at the case study of Japan, it is far harder to bring up a child who is confident enough to start forming romantic relationships at an early age. In fact the child can learn a lot from the process of trying to woo someone: you need to learn how to communicate with another person, you need to understand how another person thinks, you need to cater to their needs, you need to learn how to please them, you need to understand them - this is a brilliant lesson in developing so many different kinds of soft skills. So whilst there is a small chance that the relationship may become a distraction when it takes too much of the young person's attention, there is far more to be gained from the process.These are skills that are so vital but are not taught as part of the academic curriculum - parents should be actively encouraging their children to form relationships: both platonic and romantic in order to develop these vital skills that will serve them very well in the working world. That's why you get a lot of these Asian young people who are brilliant on paper - they have probably achieved the top grades at some of the world's most prestigious universities, yet they woefully lack the kind of social skills to even get through a simple job interview. The reason why so many Asian parents are oblivious to this is because they too lack the same basic social skills needed to get ahead in a competitive market and they too were brought up to fear sexuality.

So there you go, that's it from me on this issue: what do you think? Why are Asian parents so obsessed with the issue of being sexless and celibacy? Are they not worried that their children will buck the trend and end up totally celibate like the many young Japanese people today who have turned their backs on sex and relationships? Do you think it is worse to be distracted by a relationship and sex or end up lonely, sexless and celibate for the rest of your life? What is it with this Asian attitude towards sex: is it religious or cultural? Why are older Asian parents so terribly afraid of something they know so little about? Do leave a comment below and please share your thoughts on the issue. Many thanks for reading.