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Would you use a toilet which has a window? |
But we're dealing with my mother here, she doesn't understand basic science (or mathematics for that matter). She allows her paranoia to cloud her judgement. So for example, the nice bathroom in question is on the 2nd floor of the building (the third floor, depending on whether or not you use the British or the American system - in Singapore you tend to use the American system), so the bathroom in question which is at least 7.5 meters up from the ground level, but wait, you have to add an additional 1.25 meters at least as the window is raised off the ground - so in terms of the physics to achieve a line of sight, you need to be at least 9 meters off the ground in order to look down into the bathroom and watch someone on the toilet. But the further away you move away from the window, the higher you would need to be to have that line of sight. So whilst it is very easy for someone on the third floor to look down onto the street below by simply moving right up to the window, it is impossible for someone on street level to somehow look into a third floor window - my mother doesn't seem to understand that basic logic. So the only way someone could realistically spy on me on that toilet is if they flew a drone right up to my window to film me on the toilet and even if that is possible, why would someone want to go to such lengths? Only the paparazzi spying on celebrities might do something that extreme. So no, I don't worry about that and simply enjoy the fact that I have a nice bathroom with a large window letting in plenty of natural light.
So why was my mother paranoid about perverts spying on her through that bathroom window then? Well, let's go back to my childhood - my mother was paranoid about me and my siblings going out, because in her mind, we could end up doing drugs and having sex if we were out at the mall, making the wrong kind of friends and that would lead to teenage pregnancies and a whole lot of trouble. Ironically, the chances of that happening was pretty darn slim and there were far greater threats to my academic performance at school - for example, I wasn't good at time management and would often be so disorganized that I would leave important things to the last minute. I was also incredibly sleep deprived as I used to stay up very late even though I had to get up early for school - these are the far more mundane issues that affect most teenagers, but somehow my mother wasn't concerned about that at all. She was focused, nay make that obsessed with making sure we were not having sex as teenagers, as if sex was the only distraction around! So her logic was, if we are at home, doing our homework and revising for our exams, then at least we were safe - if we were out of the house, she had no control over what we would do. Of course, that principle no longer applies to my nephew - he could be a few meters away from her and still watching the most depraved hardcore porn on his phone, she would be none the wiser.
Of course, religion uses the threat of divine retribution as a way to control their believers. Take Christianity for example, Christians believe in the concept of heaven and hell - so if you are not a believer or if you are a terrible sinner whilst you're on this earth, you would be condemned to spend an eternity in hell in the afterlife. But if you are a believer who repents, then you would be taken up into heaven. Now nobody on this earth can prove the existence of an after life, but this threat of spending an eternity in hell is enough to keep many Christians from sinning - it's really no different from the lions in Japan a few centuries ago, nobody has been to hell and returned to earth with proof that it exists: all Christians have are stories about what it would be like and like the Japanese artistes, they have used their own imagination to create a vision of hell so horrific that they would not want to end up there. Likewise, many Christians would be afraid of sinning because they believe that their god is watching over them - this is a belief based on faith rather than proof, faith is the concept of believing that something will happen without demanding proof. And of course, yes, my mother is very religious as well, so she is more than happy to believe in something without demanding any kind of proof or evidence.
Yes, there is a problem when parents work such long hours that they do not spend enough quality time with their children - I actually agree with Pauline on that point. However, when parents simply do not earn enough to make ends meet and put their children through poverty (as in the case of Pauline), that's a different problem and one that is equally serious. Pauline is eager to point out the faults of other parents but seems oblivious to her own faults, or at least she has conveniently shoved them into a blind spot. She isn't interested in looking in the mirror and analyzing where she has gone wrong or how she could be a better mother, no she just wants to put others down so she can feel better about herself. So in the case of my mother, she is faithful to my father and has never ever looked at porn in her life - she once freaked out when she found out that one of the books I had to do for my A level English literature exam contained description of a sex scene. If being prudish about sex was an Olympic sport, my mother would win the gold medal. So she's never going to commit any sins in the 'lust' department, so that's why the moment she realizes that someone like my teenage nephew is looking at porn on the internet, she freaks out. Not so much because she even has any concept of what porn is or what the impact of watching porn may have, but it is one thing she actually excels at: chastity and purity, that's exactly her cue to make others feel bad about how lustful and sinful they are, because in doing so, she is reminding herself how chaste and pure she is compared to them - putting herself on a pedestal does make her boost her self-esteem and make her feel good, so she keeps doing it. I'm not justifying this kind of behaviour, but it is so common.
But of course, there is also the problem of the setting your own targets - just because you have achieved the goals you have set yourself doesn't mean that you've done a good job. Now I am a big fan of the reality TV show The Amazing Race and I remember in one episode, one of the teams who got eliminated laughed it off and said something like, "oh it doesn't really matter, we came on the race to have fun and we had a lot of fun along the way, so no regrets!" And I thought, you idiots, people go on this show to win the grand prize of US$1 million, that's one of the most attractive prizes you can win in reality TV. Who goes on this show just to have fun? If you want to have a stress-free fun time, then just book a holiday to go somewhere nice and have all the fun you want. If you're not interested in winning the US$1 million prize, then you should let another team have the opportunity to take part in the programme! Likewise, even if the Asian parents do manage to impose and enforce chastity on their children, they may be happily patting themselves on their backs for being such good parents, for saving their children from the temptation of lust - but like the team who set the wrong goal of simply having fun on The Amazing Race, before you start high-fiving each other, you need to consider if you have even picked the right goals in the first place. After all, someone like my nephew can still fail his exams even if he has no sex at all, doesn't look at porn but allows himself to be distracted by something like computer games. That's the problem with Asian parents: they are so obsessed with sex and lust that they ignore all other threats and problems.
Most people who go onto these apps looking for someone desirable, good looking and sexually appealing - so let's classify these people as the top 10% most good looking people online in these apps. If you happen to be average (or even below average) in the looks department, you're highly unlikely to find anyone willing to hook up with you on these apps - the irony is that even ugly people still want to have sex with good looking people. Yes it is a classic case of 癞蛤蟆想吃天鹅肉 (Chinese proverb: the toad wishing to have a taste of the swan's flesh) but the reason why this is the case is because even ugly people will look at porn and have a very idealized vision of how sex should be like. Porn offers a fantasy vision of how awesome sex could be - where beautiful people have incredible sex and as the internet has made porn widely available to anyone interested now, it raises the bar very high in terms of what ordinary people expect when they do have sex. Let me give you an analogy: back in the 1980s in Singapore, I had some horrible pizzas because nobody knew what a proper Italian pizza was supposed to taste like. I remember once encountering an 'Asian pizza' bun with tomato ketchup, char-siu, spring onions and shiitake mushrooms (香菇) in Bishan back in 1990, they claimed that was a 'pizza' despite the fact that it didn't even have cheese on it but because the locals didn't know any better back then, so they still bought it and consumed it. But in 2018, the people in Bishan know exactly what a proper pizza is supposed to taste like and yes, there are now plenty of places all of Singapore where you can get excellent, authentic pizza today. So would you still get away with selling that weird Asian pizza today? No way, no one would want to eat it.
Let's take the case study of Japan: this is one of Asia's most liberal countries when it comes to sex, home to Asia's biggest porn industry. The Japanese were making loads of porn even back in the 1980s and 1970s, way before anyone had thought about putting in on the internet and that's simply a reflection of how liberal they are as a society when it comes to sex. From Geishas to Shunga 春画 (traditional Japanese erotic art from the period 1600 to 1800) to the highly sexualized images we see in Manga anime (Hentai 変態/Yaoi やおい), the image we outsiders have of Japan is that they are not just a liberal but highly sexually active society where people enjoy loads of sex. But the truth couldn't be further from that image: according to a BBC report, 43% Japanese people between the ages of 18 to 34 are virgins by choice - they are simply not interested in having sex and 64% have not even had a relationship. And even for those who are married, well they're not having sex either and that has resulted in the birth rate plummeting to an all time low. So even this is the case in a country like Japan which has such a liberal attitude when it comes to sex, can you imagine what the situation must be like in Singapore where attitudes towards sex are a lot more prudish and conservative? Why are people like my mother even worried about a problem that doesn't even exist, when there are far more real problems like mental health issues to deal with? I'd be more worried about my nephew ending up like one of those young adults in Japan who have turned their backs on relationship and sex, rather than be paranoid about him getting distracted by sex.
Let's look at the psychology behind this: if you know that the outcome of something is pretty predictable, then it is easy to celebrate the outcome. So for example, birthdays are commonly celebrated around the world - it is pretty predictable of course, we all know when our birthdays are. So for merely staying alive until we reach our next birthdays, we declare it a reason to celebrate with elaborate cakes, parties and presents. Announce that it is your birthday on Facebook and you will have friends whom you have not heard from in a long time suddenly rushing to give you birthday greetings as if it is such a big deal. Compare that to supporting a football team that has little chance of winning, it is a frustrating experience if your team loses practically every match they play. That's why people from all over the world tend to support a team that usually wins, as that enables them to partake in the celebrations when their team wins. Most Asian parents probably know that the chances of their daughters turning out to be the next Annabel Chong are as negligible as spring not arriving after winter. So they set a really easy target for themselves to achieve, whilst making it out that they have been such incredibly good parents in steering their children away from sex. They exaggerate the 'threat' that they have saved their children from, so they can congratulate themselves as being such good parents even if their child ends up like one of those celibate Japanese young people who have turned their back on sex and relationships. No matter, they'll still go on dismissing those in healthy relationships as sluts and whores just to make themselves feel good about themselves.
So there you go, that's it from me on this issue: what do you think? Why are Asian parents so obsessed with the issue of being sexless and celibacy? Are they not worried that their children will buck the trend and end up totally celibate like the many young Japanese people today who have turned their backs on sex and relationships? Do you think it is worse to be distracted by a relationship and sex or end up lonely, sexless and celibate for the rest of your life? What is it with this Asian attitude towards sex: is it religious or cultural? Why are older Asian parents so terribly afraid of something they know so little about? Do leave a comment below and please share your thoughts on the issue. Many thanks for reading.
Furthermore, in Singapore it is more a question of where would you have sex if both young people are still living at home with their parents. Do you pay for a hotel room that charges by the hour? In the UK, it is so much easier as most adults no longer live with their parents once they turn 18 and even if they do bring someone home, it is a lot less awkward as the parents are not fazed by the fact that their children have become sexually active.
ReplyDeleteSince my wife is from China I can provide some perspective from there. Sex education is non-existant but young kids some as early as 14-15 are not only having sex but actually getting pregnant and having kids. (https://edition-m.cnn.com/2016/04/13/asia/china-teen-brides/, http://www.muyixiao.com/?fluxus_portfolio=too-young-to-wed)
ReplyDeleteTeenager study and stay in domitaries and they are having lots of sex there since hormones and no parents. Also birth control is non-existant but abortions are cheap and readily accessible without the rubbish of counseling and a cooling off period in Singapore (hearsay since I didn't go thru any such procedures in SG).
For couples, Chinese parents not only don't stop their children from having sex, it is pretty much expected. Those engaged couples are given their own rooms and privacy (so what do you think they do at night). This unlike prudish parents in SG. If you don't give your kids privacy at home they will run away to a friend's place or some seedy hotel to have sex. You can't stop the call of nature. Most Chinese couples get an additional bridal room added on to existing houses or the control of their parents master bed room once married. Most don't move out but that is changing in the urban areas. In Singapore moving out is expected since the parents will not give in to their children's wishes and don't give them privacy. Since 一山不能藏二虎 so all SG couples apply for BTO before getting ROM.
In some ways, due to the cultural revolution, China is so much more progressive than Singapore and I say that as someone who has experienced both cultures. They are the largest atheist country in the world so don't have all the religious people influencing the law (section 377a etc). Also some useful trivia, Beijing and Hong Kong currently recognises legally married same-sex couples and although they can't get married in China currently, who knows if that is to change in the future. SG is still stuck in the dark ages as it still criminalises same-sex sexual activity for guys (legal for both genders since 97 in China).
Wow, that's quite an insight into the situation in China! Yes of course, in a country as big as China, it isn't uncommon to move to another city or province to attend university, a training course or to get a new job - so boom, you're out of your parents' house, you can stay out late drinking, clubbing, partying and meeting people for sex. That simply isn't possible in Singapore. Good grief, I remember when I was in Singapore and I was with one of my friends in his 40s who was still living at home with his parents - it was about 5:30 pm and his mother called him on his mobile, "are you coming home for dinner tonight?" And I thought, okay, that's the kinda thing that used to happen to me when I was a teenager, but he's now in his 40s. That would make bringing someone home for sex totally impossible.
ReplyDeleteSo Sandra & Choaniki - how do you account for this prudishness about sex in Singapore then? How does a woman like my mother see a window in my bathroom and think, "somebody could use powerful binoculars and look at me through that window!" It's taking this prudishness to such a crazy extreme, to be concerned (make that obsessed) with avoiding sex even in such everyday circumstances which do not come across as anything to do with sex at all. Heck, when I was buying this house, the first thing I thought when I saw that window was, "good, lots of natural light". Sex wasn't even on my mind. It makes me think that my mum is so obsessed with it ironically she's thinking about sex more than I am by being so keen to avoid it. It's almost like this woman I know who is obsessed with germs, like she would religiously wash her hands after opening a door because there could be germs on the doorknob. I'm not exactly a filthy person with poor hygiene, but I'm not obsessed with avoiding germs the way she is. We're probably surrounded by the same amount of germs in the air, but she's thinking about it all the time and I'm not.
ReplyDeleteMy bil, who is 54 years old, has never lived away from his mother. Him and his wife and three children live with my mil. It was always my mil's wish that her two sons and wives and kids all live under one roof --- not that they live in a mansion. Sex before marriage was out of the question. When she visited me in 1989, she turned a photograph of mine upside down because it was a picture of me sitting on her son's lap. We were fully clothed!
ReplyDeleteMy mother told me that if I as much as held hands with a boy/man, I would get pregnant. So … I assumed she must have held my father's hands at least 9 times because she had 9 children.
Well Di, this begs the question - what our parents were taught about sex, because it is reflected in the way they taught us about sex and it's all pretty ridiculous. There was this conversation I had with my mother in the late 90s and I mentioned lubricant - completely blank stare as she has no idea what that was and I thought, do I wanna open that pandora's box? You had three children, you must have had some sex at some point with my father and you're telling me you did it all without any concept of using lubricant to make it less painful? There was that moment of, 'where do I even begin' ... so she must've thought it was some kind of handcream or moisturizer.
DeleteBut given how little she knew about sex, can you imagine what it was like on her wedding night, being clueless and terrified? No wonder she is so afraid of sex, it couldn't have been any good for her.
PS. I'm still laughing about the 'holding hands' part Di. Sounds like the kind of crap my mum would come up with.
DeleteYou know my mum once came to my sister and complained that she caught the maid looking at my father's backside? I rolled on the floor with laughter so hard I was gasping for breath. Like hello, my dad's in his 80s. His backside is nothing worth looking at and I'm quite happy to give the maid the benefit of the doubt. But that's how clueless and paranoid my mother is.
Perhaps the maid was aghast at the sight of an old man's butt. Lol.
DeleteYes, that was the kind of crap my mother told me. That and if I had on too much make up or perfume, I was too promiscuous.
Like come on, I have a nice butt, I do gymnastics, look at my butt - why look at my dad's butt?!
DeleteThere's a big difference between wearing perfume and being a total slut ... that escalated quickly!
I would assume it is a combination of lack of education, superstitious hold-ups and religious "morality". After all my dad would freak out if he knew my wife and I are having freaky sex in his house. But then he expects us to have kids soon (cognitive dissonance much?). But my mother inlaw doesn't blink an eyelid after changing in front of me (long story but we had to share a $400 a night hotel room in Singapore).
ReplyDeleteSo that is my conjecture anyway since although China is equally clueless about sexual education at least they are not held back by superstition and religion.
Sandra, there's a difference between using the changing room in a public swimming pool and using a toilet in my home. Firstly, you have gotta gain access to the building at ground level (first key), then go up the stairs and gain access to my unit (2nd key) so it's in the privacy of one's own home rather than in a public space like a swimming pool. I ought to take a photo of that window and show you guys what I mean.
ReplyDeleteAnd Sandra, you know I'm gay and married to a man right? Try that for my mother's mindset about marriage. The fact is she has no choice - accept it or cut me out of her life. Ironically, it's closer to the latter. We barely talk. But when I return to Singapore, she's pleasant and friendly etc and we spend time hanging out etc. But otherwise the closest she got to talking about my sexuality was this conversation she had with my sister - she was worried that all my extended family (my cousins, uncles/aunties etc) would know I'm gay if I talked about it on the blog and my sister was like, yeah, so what? She still thinks that being gay is something you need to hide whereas I live in London where being gay is totally acceptable and normal.
Hahahaha - "give me grandchildren" + "don't have sex!" - yeah like how?
ReplyDeleteI'm as clueless as you. But I tend to stay at hotel once my wife is in SG rather than at the parents place since its better that way. But I have no issues stay with the in-laws when I'm in China.
ReplyDeleteWell it makes sense from their perspective, because they grew up without birth controls so when "accidents" happen, it's a huge deal that affects the rest of your life. Even today, most men wouldn't like the possibility of raising a child that wasn't theirs (I could be wrong). Getting married was more a matter of practicality then.
ReplyDeleteI think most people on this blog are fortunate because we grew up in an environment where the world is already rapidly changing so we're used to constant new variables requiring us to change our perspectives to adapt to circumstances. I'm sure if any of our parents was able to accept that(if we are born 1980s and earlier) , it would be a rare exception.
Well for our generation, fortunately, it was easy to get information about sex and there's a whole other can of worms we can open when we touch upon that topic. If someone tells me something these days, I will google it and verify the facts the moment I have any doubt in my head whereas my parents will just live in ignorance because, well, they've spent most of their lives in ignorance as they're not very educated. So I believe in getting information about sexual health and safe sex, whereas for them it's just blind panic and paranoia. I don't think there's any topic that is that scary that you should slap a taboo on it - but that's what our parents did with sex.
DeleteAkan datang: part 2, exploring our generation's perspective but not what you'll expect. I'll be talking about the 43% of Japanese young people who are sexless (ie. not interested in sex, virgin, don't want sex etc). If that figure is 43% in Japan, can you imagine how much higher that number will be in Singapore?
My sister once told me this story: my mother found this book in my sister's flat and she objected to my sister reading it because it contained descriptions of sex scenes. And my sister rolled her eyes and was like, mum I am a married woman, my husband and I have a really good sex life, like we're actively fucking every night. I'm not some 8 year old girl you're trying to protect from sex, I'm a married woman in her 40s and I've had plenty of sex. So when do you think I'm old enough to read a book about sex? When I am your age?
ReplyDeleteLike it was not even porn. It was just a book for crying out aloud.
Wait till my mother sees the amount of gay porn I have on my computer. Bwahahahahaha.
How does your mother know it contains sex scenes? Was it something famous like 50 shades or did your mother actually read it to find the sex scenes? And if your mother read it wasn't she breaking her own rule?
ReplyDeleteNo lah, my mum is kaypoh so she just picked up the book that my sister left around and read a few pages as she was bored. But truth be told, my mum has a habit of being condescending to my sister despite the fact that my sister is so much more highly educated and intelligent, but my mum talks to her like she is a little girl. And my sister just puts up with it - I don't allow my mother to talk to me like that, I just put my foot down. I'm not being disrespectful, just pointing out that I'm in my 40s and as highly educated as my sister, I'm not a 5 year old kid anymore you know.
ReplyDeleteHello! Here's a photo of the toilet window in question: https://www.instagram.com/p/Bp6tVXsnByP/
ReplyDelete