Is money or jealousy the root of all evil?

Hi there. I'm going to follow up on a recent article that has provoked quite a few responses from my readers - I recently met a young Irish lady who despite having a good degree from a respectable university has decided to go back to the part of Ireland where she was raised and do a job that she is vastly overqualified for. Now I had a similar situation this week with another friend. You see, I had been increasingly frustrated in my job and had been looking around for options just to gain perspective on my situation; I am being gainfully employed in an industry where I see my future, but a lot of the problems I face are more to do with the people I work with rather than money per se. Yes I've had some clashes with some people at work and I'm left wondering if it's just easier to go work elsewhere rather than try to sort out these HR issues. I do find corporate finance fascinating and it is very lucrative, but of course, as in any job, the people you work with have a huge impact on your daily life. So I have done some research in my spare time to see what is available, talking to some close friends to seek advise and actually in so doing, have received three job offers already (within my industry). I am undecided as to what I will do next for now, but having those three job offers on the table does put things in a different perspective because I now know that if things get too bad for me, I have other options for me to explore.

Is this the key to true happiness?

So I have this friend at the gym - let's call her Lina. She's friendly enough and I do tell her stuff like that when we chat, my gym is very social and that's part of the reason why I go there so often, to see my friends like Lina there Now immediately, when I explained the situation to her, she saw money as the root of all evil - she went into a rant about oh why do people work jobs they hate just to earn money, how much money do you need a month - would doubling that money make you any happier, money can't buy you happiness, I'd rather do a job for less money if it meant making me happier, not all rich people are happy etc. Now I don't know how much Lina earns but I'm sure it is not that much given what she does for a living - but hey, she's younger than me so I am not judging her. But Lina isn't a good listener - if she had paid attention to what I said, she would have realized that money isn't the issue here: there are some people at work I don't get along with, if I could figure out I can improve my working relationship with them to avoid any kind of confrontation, then I would be a lot happier and my problems would be solved. Yet Lina seems to have this agenda which is "money is the root of all evil" and she basically ignored everything I said. So her massive rant seemed to have little to do with my current situation, rather I felt she just needed any excuse to tell me just what her opinion was about money.

I did try to make it clear to her that money hasn't caused the problems I'm facing at the moment and giving me more money or earning less money isn't going to change the situation or fix the problems. I could either try to confront the people I am having friction with at work to try to improve my working relationships with them or I could go work somewhere else, with people whom I do get along well with. Neither options involve money - she simply assumed that the latter involved a pay cut when I had to point out to her that the one serious job offer I had received involved a pay rise as this company is pretty serious about luring me from my current company to go work for them, so they are offering money as an incentive. So looking at the situation purely from a financial point of view: one option involves earning the same amount (ie. staying where I am) and the other option is earning more money (ie. accepting the generous offer from the other company). I made it clear to Lina that neither options involved making myself poorer and the latter option could lead to be making even more money in 2019. She grew quite skeptical once she realized that taking a pay cut - making myself poorer - was simply not an option on the table and told me to quit my job and instead seek greener pastures doing something else I enjoyed. I tried to point out to her that there's nothing fundamentally wrong with my job or industry, it's just that I can't possibly get along with everyone I have to work with and that even if I went to do something I truly enjoyed like acting - guess what? I still run into people I just can't get along with at work as I did in Hungary 2 years ago.

It's not the work you do, it's whom you work with.

I don't think money is the root of all evil - I come from a poor family and I have seen the impact of poverty on my family. I have an aunt I never got to know - she died when she was just 12 years old because she was very ill and my grandparents didn't have the money to pay for her medicines. My uncle had to drop out of school to start working in his late teens after my grandfather died - he was very intelligent and went on to run his own business in People's Park. My mother told me how she used to go to him for help with her homework and despite having never completed his formal education, he could simply figure out the complex mathematics - imagine if he had been the chance to complete his education. Then we have a family friend whose daughter became disabled after she had a very high fever as a baby, but as both her parents were poor and had to work very long hours, they decided to wait till the morning before taking the baby to the doctor's and by then, it was too late and the damage had been done. It totally sucks being so poor that you can't afford school fees and medicines when you're very sick. Being poor can well and truly fuck up your life or even kill you, as if the case of my late aunt who never got the medicines she needed. So why do people see money as the root of all evil when I am practical enough to see that money could be the solution for so many of the problems we face in life?

So is this simply a case of sour grapes? Someone like Lina doesn't earn a lot of money, so she claims that money is the root of all evil and that poor people are better off without the burden of being rich? Let me go back to my primary school and share with you a story I was told when I was about 8 years old about greed. Anthony had a good job, lived in a nice house and had a loving wife - but he wasn't happy because he looked at his friend Barry who had an even better job, nicer house and an even prettier wife. Anthony looked at Barry's life and thought, I would be so much happier if I was like Barry. But is Barry happy? No, because Barry has a friend called Chris and yup, Chris has a a better job, nicer house and prettier wife. Is Chris happier than Barry and Anthony? No, because there's Darren (the story repeats itself) - these guys may be doing pretty okay in life but they allow envy and jealousy to stop themselves from feeling happy or satisfied with their situation. So the moral of the story is that even if Anthony did become richer and more successful than Barry, then he would still be inferior to Chris, Darren, Edward, Frank and George - there's always someone out there more successful. The moral of the story was that being more successful, earning more money, buying a bigger house will not make you feel happier if you keep comparing yourself to others and allow your mind to be poisoned by toxic jealousy.

So when this story was told, a boy in the class asked the teacher. "I only 55 marks for mathematics in my last exam. My parents said that was not good enough, they scolded me and told me I was too lazy but according to this story, they are wrong. I should stop comparing myself to the students who did better than me and be happy for the results I got. At least I didn't fail anything, right?" Everyone in the class laughed but the teacher didn't find it funny - no of course your parents are right, you need to study harder and get better results, don't you want to get into a good secondary school? Don't you want to get into university and then get a good job? The teacher basically went into Singaporean auto-pilot mode on that issue, then another girl replied, "but teacher, you just spent the last ten minutes telling us a long story about why being jealous is so wrong and will make us unhappy. So should we be jealous of people who are doing better than us? Are you jealous of your friends who earn more money than you?" Of course, the teacher got really angry because the girl had clearly hit on a sore spot - there are certainly people out there who do earn a lot more money than a primary school teacher, but to suggest that a teacher may react to that with jealousy came across as disrespectful and rude. The teacher could have used that as a good example about why jealousy can be very toxic - but no, she didn't quite know how to deal with the situation. She thought the class would have merely enjoyed the short story and not asked so many questions.

On one hand, if left uncontrolled, jealousy is very toxic and it can make us feel very miserable of course. But I think the key to resolving the issue is not to simply order children not to feel jealous the same way we order them not to eat too much candy or to tidy up their room. The solution is simply to deal with those feelings in a rational way, allow me to give you an example: when I was at university, there was a girl called Gwen who always had the top results and sure there was some jealousy on my part - like hey, it's not fair, why does she always get straight As and I can never be as good as her? Look a little closer and the answer is obvious: Gwen works harder than everyone else, she has no social life, she doesn't do sports, she doesn't go on dates, she doesn't have friends - she spends every waking moment studying and working towards those perfect grades. If I was willing to make those same sacrifices, I would have much better grades but instead, I chose to have friends, I worked part time, I did a lot of sports, I had an active social life and I had a lot of fun whilst at university. So if I wasn't willing to study as hard as Grace and make those same sacrifices, then I really had no right to feel jealous when she gets an A+ for her assignment and I end up with a B. You reap what you sow and that's just a logical conclusion. By looking at the matter this way, I was able to rationalize my jealousy and understood that I had effectively made a choice not to get straight As like Gwen when I chose to have a social life - I was happy with the choices I made and that allowed me to deal with my jealousy in a rational way. Gwen had her choices and I made mine.

So is jealousy the root of all evil then, rather than money? I don't think so either - because as my classmate pointed out in jest, there's definitely something very wrong if you're doing badly (such as in the case of his poor results for mathematics) but choose not to do anything about the situation because you refuse to be jealous of people doing better than you. I think a bit of jealousy is a good thing - if it is going to motivate you to work harder to get better results, earn more money and prove yourself to the world, then that can only be a good thing. Motivation comes in all kinds of shapes and forms, so by that token, a desire to be as good as your peers can take the form of jealousy, but it will still serve a very practical purpose of making you achieve your goals. So, what's wrong with that? It is the inability to cope with feelings of jealousy in a rational way that can cause problems. Let me give you an example: I had  an insanely rich (late) uncle who was my father's oldest brother. He lived in a huge house on Carinhill Road in Singapore and was conferred the honorary title of 'Datuk' in his home state in Malaysia. When I was a child, we used to get our uncle's old furniture such as his green sofa, because even second hand furniture from my uncle was so much nicer than anything we could afford. But was my late uncle a happy man? No, unfortunately he suffered from a broken marriage (he had an affair with a Taiwanese woman so that was his fault) and suffered from poor health (he was also obese, again that was his fault).

So it was clear that despite being a multi-millionaire, my uncle's family life was a total mess and he also suffered from poor health. My father was very judgmental of my uncle - there were many times when he drew a direct correlation between my uncle's wealth and just how unhappy he had become, he directly blamed my uncle's wealth for causing the misery in his life. Yes, my father was not logical, but that was his way of coping with his jealousy - he treated wealth like a poisoned chalice that made his rich older brother so unhappy. But was this what actually happened with my late uncle then? Let's put it this way, can a poor man can wreck his marriage by being unfaithful to his wife? Of course he can, you don't need to be rich to be a philanderer, it would probably help more if you were good looking. Likewise, there are plenty of poor people who are overweight as well - poor people tend to make far worse choices when it comes to their diet and the lack of exercise can often lead to obesity. In short, if his broken marriage and obesity were the two main causes of misery in my late uncle's life, then neither factors had anything to do with whether he was rich or poor - it had far more to do with his character. But no, my father simply refused to see it that way, there was almost a sense of schadenfreude on my father's part that my late uncle's couldn't make him totally happy and I suppose that was my father's way of dealing with the fact that he was so much poorer compared to his oldest brother (which couldn't have been easy at all for him).

I think there's also an element of some people trying to paint a picture of 'idyllic poverty' - it's like those people who travel to poorer countries and post pictures of themselves in a slum in somewhere like Sri Lanka or the Philippines claiming that the children there are poor but so happy. You see, the psychology behind it simple: if these poor slum-dwelling children who have nothing are perfectly happy, then we can sit back and say, "aw, aren't they cute?" But if we recognize that they are in desperate need for help, that you should probably empty your wallet and give them your money because they probably need it for something like medicines at the hospital or school fees (as in the case of my mother's family). How many people are willing to make that kind of generous gesture if they find themselves in a third world city, surrounded by beggars who have practically nothing? They would probably start making excuses like, hey I am also in debt myself, if I help these people, my financial situation would become even more dire. Or they may claim that it should be the responsibility of the government to do something about these poor children in the slums, it shouldn't be up to individuals to try to help them improve their lives. So instead, it is so convenient to just buy into the vision that somehow these poor people are perfectly happy and content just the way things are - it's a convenient lie we often tell ourselves if you are simply not prepared to admit that you're selfish and really don't care if there are poor people out there suffering.

Back to my friend Lina: you see one of the reasons why I will not just quit my job when things get tough is because I have a mortgage and if I don't pay my monthly payments, the bank can seize my house. It's a responsibility that requires me to have a certain amount of income a month and that means remaining gainfully employed - or at least if I am going to change jobs, I need to find a new one first before quitting my current one. Lina scoffed at the idea of being tied down like that - she is free, she is on the rental market, she can leave London tomorrow, pack her bags and move to some beautiful tropical island paradise to join the circus if that's what she wants to do. She said she felt sorry for me because the mortgage was like a heavy anchor weighing me down, preventing me from being spontaneous and seizing the crazy opportunities that may come my way tomorrow. Well, whilst she may have a point, I look at her and think, good luck getting on the property ladder Lina, would you ever own your own home at this rate or will you keep on renting for the rest of your life? I actually think that having a mortgage, owning my own home is a good thing because she is paying loads of money on rent every month in London. At the end of that, she still doesn't own anything - whereas once I finish paying off my mortgage, the house is mine. From a financial point of view, it makes far more sense to own than to rent.

But of course, Lina refuses to see it that way: she thinks she is free as a bird whilst I am the unhappy one with all these financial burdens. She clearly feels sorry for me, thus if I may be blunt, I am a lot richer than her but she isn't even jealous of my wealth, not at all. Her philosophy is simple: it seems that she has put herself on a pedestal and that others should aspire to be like her, if they want to be happy. I suppose that's one way to deal with jealousy - simply put yourself on a pedestal and feel sorry for anyone who isn't doing exactly what you're doing. She would say things to me like, "I wish you would be happy, I hate to see you so stressed. I wake up in the morning and I feel so free - I don't owe anyone anything, I am free to do whatever I want, on my own schedule and I set my own goals. I make my own rules as I go along and break them all if I'm not having fun." And if you think she sounds like a millennial, then yeah, you're right. I suppose that's Lina's way of coping with the issue of jealousy when let's face it, she's not earning much money but surrounded by rich people in a rather expensive city. Do I ever put myself on a pedestal? Not often, but only on issues which I know I have an expertise on such as gymnastics or learning foreign languages, otherwise, I'm quite happy to be humble and allow myself to even feel jealous of others who have done better than me. I don't quite know what to make of Lina - at times she seems like a sincere friend, other times her antics drive me nuts and she is so totally out of touch with reality.

One way to make yourself happy is to feel grateful for the things you have and that may seem logical until some illogical people take it to quite an extreme. I'll give you an example - my mother hates the cold weather, she genuinely cannot cope with it. When she came to visit me in London in the winter, she was reluctant to move away from the heater and would wear many layers even when indoors. So last winter when we had very heavy snowfall, she said something like it was terrible because it is not safe for the children, it is too cold for them to play outside. And I was like, what the hell are you talking about? The kids absolutely love it when it snows here - they're in the park having snowball fights, building snowmen but the best activity of all has got to be sledding. You can do a very low-tech, low-cost version of it. Simply find a snow covered slope in a park which is steep enough, sit on a piece of cardboard or plastic and hold on tight as you fly down the slope at great speed. And wait it gets better - in the UK, you can get a "snow day", that's when school is canceled because of unexpected or heavy snow and the kids get a day off school because of snow. So instead of spending the day in the classroom, they are out in the parks having a lot of fun in the snow - you can see why the children in this country absolutely love snow. Just wear an extra layer if you think you're going to be very cold. But instead of seeing it from their point of view, my mother has this 'I am going to hate what I don't have' logic going on in her head, so by that token, she can be grateful for not getting any kind of winter weather in Singapore. That's all fine until she assumes that British children would agree with her which is completely untrue, but then again, she's so autistic and cannot get her head around understanding that other people may have a different point of view on an issue like that.

But since my mother is not going to have to spend winter here in Europe nor is she ever going to interact with any British children, she can quite happily go on believing whatever she wants to believe no matter how ridiculous or untrue it may be. I haven't really got the time nor energy to challenge her way of thinking - if it helps her sleep better at night feeling this way about snow, then so be it. However, when someone like Lina challenges me on the issue of owning property, I can't help but feel that she is treating money the same way my mother is treating snow - basically, "I don't have it, but if I choose to hate it then I can be grateful not to have it". My mother is perfectly happy living in tropical Singapore and will never have snow there, so she can go on hating snow and it wouldn't really matter but for Lina, for her to have that attitude towards money is just strange. After all, I know there are loads of things that she would love to do if she had the money. Say if she won the lottery tomorrow and became a millionaire overnight, I know she would go out on a shopping spree and buy loads of nice things for herself - things that she wouldn't otherwise be able to afford now as she simply doesn't have enough money. She hasn't gone on a holiday for ages and I know she would love to go somewhere exotic. So is Lina merely doing what my mother is doing, demonizing money as the root of all evil, just to convince herself that everything is alright in her life despite not having enough money? People do use this method as a coping mechanism.

Or perhaps there is a method to Lina's madness - after all, she has figured out a way to free herself from jealousy she is genuinely happy to deal with people a lot richer than her and experience no jealousy whatsoever. I shall leave you with that thought and a movie I had seen in 2001 featuring Jack Black called Shallow Hal. Hal the protagonist is a sexist and misogynistic man who judges women by their appearances. After he was stuck in a lift with Tony Robbins, disgusted by Hal's attitude towards women, Robbins decided to hypnotize Hal to see women for their inner beauty rather than their outer beauty. So if a woman was fat and ugly on the outside but a really kind person, Hal would see her as a stunning supermodel and vice versa. So with this in mind, Hal totally falls in love with Rosemary, played by the stunning Gwyneth Paltrow. Hal sees her as Gwyneth Paltrow after his hypnosis whilst the rest of the world sees her as a really fat and ugly woman. Nonetheless, Hal couldn't care as he was in love with the world's most beautiful woman and she loved him back. Things come to a head when Hal's best friend Mauricio convinces Robbins to break the hypnosis and see Rosemary for who she actually is - you're then left wondering if Hal has finally learnt his lesson about inner beauty once the spell is broken or would he go back to his old ways with women? Yes it is a very silly, slapstick comedy with loads of visual gags.

Sure there is a huge stack of lies that Lina probably tells herself on a daily basis and I would go as far as to say that she is not always in touch with reality - but is that simply a coping mechanism with actually quite a good outcome? Like in the movie, Robbins hypnotizes Hal to change his perception of the world, so whilst Hal's view of the world is totally altered and not realistic, the outcome of him seeing women for their inner beauty is ultimately a good one and yes, since you're probably not going to see this old movie and because it is a predictable Hollywood film, he does learn his lesson and becomes a better man at the end of the story - so you have your happy ending. Would you gladly tell yourself a stack of lies in the same way just to alter your perception of reality, so you could be free of the toxic poison of jealousy? After all, I suspect that people like Lina really aren't the exception and that quite a lot of people indulge in telling themselves loads of lies everyday just to help them cope with the problems in their lives that they can't solve. What do you think? Is this kind of practice healthy and acceptable if the results are desirable? Or is it a short term solution that will only lead to more problems in the long run? Why would someone do this? Do you know someone like Lina in your life and what are they like? How do you deal with people like Lina then? Do leave a comment below please and many thanks for reading.