The governor, an old bridge and the engineer.

Hi guys, as you know I am going to go to Australia and New Zealand via Singapore soon - there has been one issue that I have talked about here before but I have effectively been ignoring it till now. The reason why I am discussing it here is because there is a situation which doesn't affect me directly, but I may be able to help - but I am not confident that my intervention may make things any better. So hence I am turning to the collective wisdom of my dear readers and hoping for some useful suggestions about the situation please.My regular readers will know that autism runs in my family - my nephew is however, the only one to get an official diagnosis for his condition even though it is painfully obvious that both my parents are severely autistic too (far more so than my nephew actually). My parents dote on my nephew as he is the only grandchild they have, yet they are ill-equipped to cope with his situation: it is a 'the blind leading the blind' situation.

The blind leading the blind.

Here's the problem: both my parents treat my nephew as if he is retarded - you know, a low IQ retard incapable of the most basic tasks. That frustrates the hell out of me because my nephew is autistic, not retarded. His IQ is normal but he lacks social skills. Despite all the information presented to my mother about his condition, she seems to be no closer to understanding what he needs. Their approach is to shower him with expensive gifts, giving him anything he wants whilst refusing to even treat him like a teenager capable of making even the most basic, rational decisions (ref: the chilli sauce story which I shan't repeat here).My father is just strange - he spent about a few minutes telling me a story which involved my nephew buying a bottle of water, drinking half a bottle of it then giving it to the maid and asking her to take it home as he cannot finish drinking it. And I'm like, so? Where's the punchline in that story? Why didn't he hold on to the bottle of water himself, why did he have to ask the maid to take the bottle from him? Am I supposed to be impressed with this story or what? Like, why are you telling me this - do you think I give a shit about this? Clearly, something about that story captured my father's attention and made him very happy - but I was just left baffled by his reaction.

That bottle story reminded me of a scene out of the 1987 movie 'The Last Emperor' - there were some scene detailing just how opulent Pu Yi's early life as an emperor was, how he had god-like status amongst the army servants in the royal court who were there to serve and please him. There was a particularly gross scene just to drive that point home - we see the boy emperor take a dump into a basin and the servant who removes the basin leans forwards and inhales deeply, taking a deep sniff of the emperor's shit. And that point, you can hear the whole cinema recoil in absolute horror (even though at the back of my head, I reminded myself that it wasn't real shit, it was a realistic looking prop). But still, the servant was just so grateful to have even had the honour of having smelled the emperor's shit (I'm glad he didn't do anything more with it) and smiled gleefully. The servant reacted like that because Pu Yi was the emperor and I can't help but feel that my father's reaction to the bottle story (a completely mundane, uninteresting episode) is in the same vein. I find it hard to understand how grandparents dote on their grandsons to the point where it comes across as irrational. I'm glad being around my nephew makes my parents happy, but I cannot even begin to understand their mindset.

I'm going to hazard a guess that my parents are aware of their mortality as they are very old now, so seeing my young nephew around reminds them that even after they die, there will be a part of them that will still be alive on earth, long after they are gone. Fair enough, that is hardly an uncommon attitude for grandparents to have when it comes to their grandchildren - but to be impressed that my nephew knows how to buy a bottle of water when he is thirsty? I am just baffled. I'm sure that incident was so mundane that my nephew doesn't even remember it. This is just such a contrast to my own experience with my grandmothers - I never got to know my grandfather as they died before I was born. My grandmothers often struggled to remember the names of their grandchildren as there were just so many of us, they simply lost track. As I don't speak a word of Hakka, I can't even communicate with my paternal grandmother. I did get close to my Hokkien maternal grandmother when I was younger, but her ill health meant that she stopped taking care of me when I was 8. Nonetheless, there was still a language barrier - my Hokkien was never going to be fluent and I guess I was just one of her many, many grandchildren. She even had a few great-grandchildren before she died; now contrast that to my parents who have just this one and only grandson (and no, they're not going to get anymore).

So here's the problem: my nephew is a somewhat nerdy, awkward teenager - I think we've all been there, I was a very awkward teenager too when I was his age. He is 14 now: I remember at that age, I was already so distant from my parents, they took virtually no interest in what I was doing and I preferred it that way. Contrast that to when I was in primary school, my mother used to scrutinize my homework and berated me for the mistakes I made: but once I got to secondary school, she stopped doing that as she couldn't understand the more complex syllabus: remember, she isn't very educated at all - hence anything in a secondary school maths or science textbook is beyond her. She was working then and had enough on her plate already, so it was really at that point when we drifted apart and well, if it wasn't for the valiant efforts of my sister, I don't even think that we would be in touch today. I do understand what my nephew is going through - look, I'm 41 today but I do remember what it was like to be 14 years old. I understand his challenges in school. It doesn't feel that long ago but more to the point, I understand the modern world my nephew inhibits. I know how he uses social media, I understand how he grew up in the age of the internet whilst my parents can barely operate the microwave oven. Neither of them have even ever used a computer, never mind know how to perform a Google search.

So this begs the question: what kind of grandparents do they want to be? What kind of relationship do they want with their grandson? If they want to simply take a step back and take pleasure in being around him, such as enjoying that rather mundane story involving that bottle of water, then fine, so be it. But here's when it gets complicated: because they are retired teachers, they boast, "we've dealt with all kinds of difficult students over the years, we are so experienced with children - we are the best people to deal with his autism." They is a gross exaggeration of their ability, I don't doubt there's plenty of goodwill on their part, there's certainly a desire to help of course - but wishing to help is not the same as being in a position to help. My parents want to be involved in my nephew's life but they don't know how. They lack the social skills to communicate with a teenager of today's world, they also have no idea what social media is - and that forms a huge part of any teenager's identity in this day and age. What I do know is that my parents utterly, totally love my nephew - that much I don't doubt, what I do wonder is how they can claim to 'love' someone they barely know. Sure they remember being at the hospital the night my sister gave birth to him, they remember teaching my sister how to change nappies, they cared for him as my sister returned to work - they did play a major part in his early years as a baby and toddler. However, that was a good ten years ago: now, they barely have a clue what the hell is going on in his life. Sounds familiar? They have no idea what the hell I do for a living either. History repeats itself. But this time round, they are frustrated by their inability to connect with their grandson whilst they aren't that fussed not being close to me.

You see, if you want to be a part of my nephew's life today - it means firstly understanding the world he lives in, the things that mean a lot to him, how he uses social media and specifically in his case, how he inhibits the world of online gamers. My father has a stubbornly refuses to engage anything that takes him out of his comfort zone - that's why for example, he refuses to speak English as that would take him out of his comfort zone (though he probably can understand some basic English). Once you've had that information, you then need to reach out to my nephew at his wavelength, as someone who understands his situation, needs, problems and challenges. Well, my parents think that they don't need to do all that - my nephew should be eternally grateful to them and express great love for his grandparents based on how much they have done for him when he was little. They are always claiming credit for that - but that doesn't bring them any closer to understanding the world my nephew is a part of and the frustrating thing is that his happened to me a generation ago, when I was about my nephew's age. History repeats itself: at the back of mind, I always knew this day would come.

Gratitude isn't the same thing as love.

But wait, it gets worse: my parents see themselves as these great educators saving my nephew from his autism but I have seen the way my parents talk to my nephew. They often talk to him as if he is a 5 year old kid and the worst part is that they always repeat themselves. OMFG, I have witnessed my mother read to my nephew when he was younger - like you wouldn't believe this woman actually taught English in a primary school in Singapore. She would read each sentence twice, sometimes three times if she catches my nephew looking away from the page as he got bored as he heard her the first time. That is such an unnatural way to read! That is such an unnatural way to read! Can you imagine what it is like, can you imagine what it is like, when someone repeats everything like that, when someone repeats everything like that? Fucking hell, fucking hell. I can see what was happening - it was the repeating that was driving him nuts. No wonder my nephew got extremely bored and restless when she read to him - does she realize what an awful English teacher she is? Hell no, she makes ridiculous claims like, "you know, he will only listen to me, nobody else can teach him as well as I do." Yeah right. She is the worst kind of teacher, a truly awful teacher who genuinely believes she is great. I swear she still makes basic mistakes like using "can" or "got" instead of answering a question with "yes". instead Oh dear. I know she means well of course, but all the good intentions and love in the world doesn't make her a half-decent teacher.

Thus with their mission as these 'great educators', they smothered him with tuition when he was in primary school and they used this 'tuition' excuse to spend as much time as possible with him. I am left in two minds about the impact of this tuition regime as his PSLE results were... well, let's just say they were mediocre, only good enough to get into a neighbourhood secondary school and everyone was left very disappointed. But let me give you an analogy: I lost my hair in 2015, I'm pretty much bald today. I remember back in about 2012, I was in denial, fighting my hair loss and took some expensive medicine for my hair. Well, it didn't work - my hairline kept receding and when I went back to the specialist, I claimed, "hey your expensive medicine didn't work - look at how bald I am, I lost so much hair whilst taking your medicine." The guy claimed that if I had not taken his medicine, I would have already been bald - the medicine had actually worked by slowing down my very aggressive hair loss. I didn't know whether to believe him or not - part of me wanted to because I didn't want to think I had wasted my money. Likewise for my parents' tuition regime - either they were utterly shit tuition teachers who made no different whatsoever (or even done more harm than good), or they did make a difference: without their help, he would have failed everything and not even make it to secondary school. The truth is somewhere in between the two extremes. Like I'm sure they did help him a bit, but actually not much at all.

Yup, that's me today - extremely bald. 

Since my nephew is now in secondary school and my parents are no longer able to help him with his school work (phew, thank goodness for that), they are struggling to define a role for themselves in his life. I remember hearing my father talk to my nephew about making friends in school - my father was speaking in Mandarin and using all kinds of cliches, you know the kind of stuff you may memorize and put in a composition just to impress your Chinese teacher that you can use impressive big words.  My father than spewed a whole lot of cliches in such a condescending way to my nephew - it wasn't what he said, oh no, it was the way he said it, as if my nephew was a 3 year old retard who didn't understand the first thing about making friends. My father has no social skills at all, if he had any empathy for my nephew, he would have pitched the message in a manner that would've been a lot more receptive to a teenager. How can he even try to engage the topic with my nephew when he doesn't have a clue what is going on in my nephew's life or even make the slightest effort to reach out to my nephew at his wavelength? For my autistic parents, even recognizing that people communicate in different ways, that they have different wavelengths, is foreign to them - they will speak to you in their wavelength no matter how inappropriate it may be because they are just totally incapable of seeing things from another person's point of view. It is painful to watch them function like that in front of my nephew as they are oblivious to their shortcomings. 

So, here's the situation: my parents desperately want to my nephew's love but they are not making it easy for him because of the way their way of showing love is by treating him like a complete idiot. And gosh, my nephew is not a complete idiot - I'd describe him as a somewhat awkward, geeky teenager, that's my fair and blunt assessment of the situation. I'm quite forgiving with his lack of social graces and social skills because this is something we learn throughout our teenage years - some more quickly than others. And besides, my nephew is young, he has time to develop these vital social skills as he grows - he has great parents who are doing everything they can to guide and help him, so I am not worried about him on that front. So this really isn't about my nephew but about the deteriorating situation between my parents and my nephew along with the repercussions of it. The most worrying part of the situation is that my parents seem to think that they are the perfect grandparents (yeah I know, #facepalm) - I grant you that they do love their grandson a lot, but they certainly lack the necessarily parenting and social skills to be good grandparents. So when things go wrong, instead of actually realizing that they have no one else but themselves to blame for fucking up, well, they blame others. After they vent their anger on their family members, they descend into a self-induced state of "everybody hates me despite everything I have done for my grandson" depression and this shit has happened before.

So far, my brother-in-law, my nephew's father, has bore the brunt of their blame. Sometimes, they blame the in-laws as well, sometimes they blame the teachers at his school or my nephew's peers. Oh and they have blamed 'the internet' too. Go figure - cue "Blame it on the Boogie", see the music video below. Yup, everyone is at fault except themselves. Does my sister have the perfect husband, is he the perfect father? No. Are the in-laws perfect? No - sure they've made some mistakes.  Do they deserve all the blame my parents heap on them? No. It would be hard for me to put a figure on it, but whilst they may be at fault sometimes, my parents' absolute refusal to accept any blame whatsoever has led to a very frosty, difficult relationship with both my sister's husband and the in-laws. They basically see my nephew's other grandparents as wicked villains, desperate to "steal" their grandson from them. And I'm like, come on, he's a 14 year old teenager, the reason why he's not that keen on spending time with his grandparents is because he's too busy with social media or his activities at school - no one is 'stealing' your grandson from you. Heck, even I have been accused of driving a wedge between them and their beloved grandson - which is really the most ridiculous accusation I have ever heard.

You see, in my parents' culture, parents and grandparents must be given unconditional respect because they brought you up, they raised you, they changed your nappies and thus you have to reciprocate by showing respect. That however, is not the same as establishing a meaningful relationship - you can only become close to someone if you actually get to know them well enough and that friendship is reciprocated. In my family, we're very polite to each other - all in the name of showing respect - but my parents have no freaking clue what I do for a living. We're so distant and cold, but still maintain that veneer of respectful decorum. When I ranted to my sister that my mother has no idea what I do for a living, my sister just smirked and said, "she doesn't know I do either - she doesn't care, she's just not interested in the details." My parents think that my nephew should offer them unconditional love because they took care of him when he was young - I'm sure my nephew will always remain very polite and respectful of his grandparents, but love? That's another matter - my parents don't have the social skills to develop meaningful relationships, not even with their own beloved grandson (or their own children for that matter). I'm sure my nephew is grateful for all they've done for him but love isn't the same as gratitude - you don't love someone out of gratitude but somehow my parents are hoping to find some semblance of love there. My nephew is fast becoming a stranger to them as he grows up, from a teenager into a young man. They talk about him like he is still a little boy who knows nothing and I can see how huge the generation gap is. 

I would compare this to the kind of relationship I have with my management where I work - I keep a rather formal but cordial relationship with my colleagues. I am always very polite and respectful but we do not see each other outside work. It is really nothing personal, it is just that I don't think I have that much in common with them outside our shared professional interests. That is really quite similar to the relationship a lot of Asian people have with their parents and grandparents - you are of course, very respectful and polite to your elders, but scratch away that veneer of decorum and there really is very little depth to that relationship. Contrast that to the kind of relationship I have with my siblings where we understand each other a lot better, that's probably because the age gap is very small and we are of the same generation. What I have observed however, is that it is painfully obvious that my parents really dote on my nephew - like he is the most important person in their lives right now, whilst he is probably just treating them in a very respectful and polite way, but I just don't see how there's much depth to that relationship since they take very little in what he is doing today. I almost feel like I need to say this aloud, like, "excuse me please, but am I the only one who is observing this?"

Am I the only one who has noticed the problem?

Really, all I want right now is for everyone to be happy and get along, which brings me to my quagmire. So far, the status quo has been treating my nephew as if he doesn't understand that his grandparents are deeply flawed but still love him dearly. We have done the Chinese thing and demanded that he show his grandparents respect and not question their behaviour. I know that's probably the easiest, default stance to take when he was younger but now he is 14, surely at some stage, he would be old enough to figure out for him that his grandparents can be quite irrational people. Now if a responsible adult doesn't take him aside and explain to him what is going on, rather than just tell him that his grandparents are somehow beyond reproach, can we just trust him to figure all this out by himself? As an adult, I can look back and say in hindsight, okay, so that's what happened to me during my childhood, my parents are autistic. But can you expect a 14 year old teenager with autism to figure this out? There's a part of me that thinks that a simple, frank conversation on the issue could really achieve so much. Because of his autism and Asperger's Syndrome, his social skills are a few years behind his peers, so perhaps whilst he may be 14, he has the social skills of a 10 or 11 year old. Would trying to explain the situation to him now merely confuse him? Would I simply make matters worse and be labeled the villain trying to drive a wedge between him and his grandparents? Or am I obliged as an uncle to try to do this?

But more to the point, do I trust him to react in a mature way should I indulge him in a discussion about autism in our family? Would he think it is a big joke, run to my parents and laugh at them, "uncle Alex says you're both more autistic than me! You need to go see a doctor!" Well, that would blow up in my face wouldn't it? I would achieve nothing, my parents would hate me even more and my nephew wouldn't understand that I am just trying to help. Not to mention my entire family from my sisters to my in-laws would probably look at me like I am some kind of evil prodigal son trying to ruin my parents' relationship with their beloved grandson and I'll probably end up changing my flights to leave Singapore early (and never return). Yeah, trying to help does have a lot of risks. I am not sure if it is worth taking those risks; sure I want to help but I don't want to make things worse. You can see why it is easier to just turn a blind eye to the situation and allow the status quo to remain. But do let me tell you about a story about an old bridge in China to make my point.

There was a small town in China where there was an old bridge built over a hundred years ago. It stood the test of time and was standing until a few years ago, when the locals reported some cracks in the bridge. The local governor called in the engineer to examine the bridge and the engineer said that bridge was not only very old, but it was not built to take the weight of modern traffic. When the bridge was built long ago, there were very few cars and much less traffic on the bridge. But as the town grew in size, many buses, lorries and trucks crossed that bridge everyday, putting a lot of stress on that bridge thus causing the damage. The engineer recommended that the old bridge was to be shut immediately for urgent repairs for a few months, to make it safe again. The governor took the report and thought, this is not going to go down well with the locals - thousands of people use that bridge everyday, how are they going to cross that big river without that bridge? It would be a highly unpopular decision as it would cause so much disruption, making anyone wishing to cross the river take a very long detour to the next bridge many miles away. The governor had a very difficult decision to make. Can he afford to listen to his engineer's advice? Or would he take a gamble instead?

So the governor decided to merely get a workman to plaster over the cracks, give the bridge a new lick of paint and told the locals not to worry, the bridge would be fine.  That decision went down well with the locals who feared the bridge would be shut for repairs. This happened quite a few times, every time a new crack was spotted, the engineer would recommend major repairs but because the governor feared the disruptions shutting the bridge would cause, the cracks were plastered over and declared safe. People knew the old bridge was in a bad shape and that it might collapse one day, but everyone thought, "well, even if it did, I hope I won't be on it when it happens. After all, no one ever lingers on that bridge, we simply get across as quickly as we can from one side to the other. I am sure it will be fine." Everyone was aware of the problem but apart from the engineer, everyone else was happy to ignore it. Eventually, one day, when there happened to be three buses crossing the bridge at the same time, the old bridge finally collapsed and many people died when the buses fell into the river below. The locals were furious, "why didn't anyone fix that dangerous old bridge?"

The governor gambled and made a terrible mistake.

You get the idea: I feel my family is at the stage where we realize that yeah there is a problem, but like that old bridge, things haven't reached breaking point yet. And like that old bridge, as long as there are not too many cars on that bridge, it could still take the weight. But when three big buses drove onto the bridge at the same time, it was just too much for the structure to take. So if life goes on as normal in a boring, predictable manner with nothing out of the ordinary taking us by surprise, then the weak, old bridge will hold out. But say something stressful happens - say if my nephew becomes the victim of cyber bullying (pretty common with teenagers these days) and my parents try to wade into the argument and give advice without knowing what the hell social media is, then given how insensitive and tactless they are, well, let's just say when there's a crisis like that, my parents are the last people you want involved because they'll be more of a hindrance than a help. But the moment they are aware that it is an issue involving my nephew, they will be the first to jump right in whether they understand the situation or not and that can lead to some difficult, awkward situations.

We're in a "death by a thousand paper cuts" situation whereby we're just waiting for the last straw to break the camel's back. I keep finding excuses to stand back and do nothing, much like that governor in that Chinese town who stood back and did nothing as the old bridge was clearly becoming more and more unsafe. Who knows what will be the last straw that break the camel's back - but when it does happen, my parents will be extremely hurt (and clearly I don't want that to happen) and of course, they'll start blaming everyone but themselves. I don't even want to imagine the fallout from that. If the engineer got his way, he may have caused a lot of disruption to many people but he could have saved the lives of the people who died when the bridge collapsed. Should I just breeze into Singapore and leave without trying to help, or should I actually try speaking to my nephew and ask him to show his grandparents not so much the kind of unconditional respect that Chinese families demand, but compassion - as that's a far kinder response than the kind of contempt I have for my parents. My relationship with my parents is non-existent, but it doesn't mean that my nephew cannot still enjoy a good relationship with his grandparents, but that relationship is already very strained and without intervention, he may choose to totally ignore them by the time he is an adult, much the way I did. Given I'm the one who has the least to lose, should I play the part of the engineer in suggesting repair works be done urgently? Or should I just say nothing at all?

Should I say something or just ignore the problem?

Okay, that's it from me on this topic. I look forward to hearing from you. As it is, I am so tempted to just do and say nothing - just to maintain the peace when I am in Singapore, but I also fear that it would make me as guilty as the governor who allowed the bridge to collapse on his watch. Please let me know what you think, many thanks for reading.