Q&A: What can a gay foreign student in the UK expect?

Hello everybody. Okay given that I have been really quite open about my sexuality in some recent posts (yes I am openly gay in case you were in any doubt), so I have received a message from a gay guy in Singapore who is going to start university in the UK this autumn. It is the kind of question that I cannot do justice in within the word limit of the comments section, so here is the (rather complex) question from 'Austin' (not his real name). "Hi there Limpeh, I am a 21 year old gay man from Singapore due to start university in the UK this October. I'm quite excited and nervous at the same time - excited because of the possibility of enjoying an active gay scene, of living in a society where being gay is normal and acceptable by society, you have openly gay and lesbian ministers and senior politicians in parliament! But another part of me is nervous because I think I may be like a kid in a candy store with no money - I'm short, Chinese and let's just say not exactly good looking. I'm pretty much your dorky geek who spends too much time on the internet and I just get the impression that the gay scene in the UK is pretty much for a certain kind of gay man who is white, tall, has incredible muscles, perfect skin and looks like a supermodel. I just won't fit in, like if I went to a gay bar, nobody would want to talk to me. If I get on a dating app, I'd probably be rejected as well. Have you any advice for me please? I just want to know where to pitch my expectations - like, I wanna be realistic: not overly optimistic nor pessimistic, thank you very much."

We've just had our annual Gay Pride parade & festival recently and it could almost give someone like Austin the impression that the LGBT community is one big happy family. It does come together once a year for that event, but it is in fact made up of many smaller sub-communities that rarely have anything to do with each other, even if they do fall under the wider LGBT umbrella. That's just the impression that many get from watching such events and perhaps the media is complicit in perpetuating that myth that the gay community is one big happy rainbow family - in reality, the way gay people form their social circles and create a social life for themselves is a lot more complex than simply "fitting into the gay community". The thing about sexuality is that it cuts through all social boundaries: there are gay professors, gay bus drivers, gay CEOs, gay homeless people, gay soldiers, gay, well, just about anything really. So to imagine that one's sexuality will somehow put aside all other social factors that define who you are and unite all gay man into a single cohesive entity, well, that's simply untrue. What you will find when you examine the gay community a little closer is that gays tend to stick to others who have a rather similar social background - that's no different from what straight people do.

At every university, there will usually be an LGBT society and I remember turning up at my university's LGBT society only to realize, hey, apart from the fact that we all prefer to have sex with someone of the same gender and that we happen to be at the same university, we don't have much in common at all. Yeah, you may find the same thing happening if you simply turn up at a gay bar or club in central London - don't get me wrong, there was a time when gay bars were the life line of the gay community in the pre-internet days. They represented one of the few ways to meet other gay men in the absence of gay dating websites and apps - but given that it is 2017, a lot of gay bars and clubs have closed down simply because they have struggled to get enough clients to stay open: the gay scene in London is but a shadow of what it was in the 1990s. Gay men are instead networking on the internet instead of going to the bars and clubs - the ones that do manage to stay in business have branded themselves as entertainment venues, for an awesome night out with famous DJs and great cabaret acts, rather than simply places where you may meet other gay men. Thus even if I do go to a gay bar or club, I'd never go there on my own to chat to strangers - I find that quite intimidating and I think most people find that intimidating too. I might go with friends and I'd only talk to them, whilst not speaking to any strangers.

That's why dating apps are so useful in this context (yes, even if they have effectively killed off much of the gay scene) - it is a lot easier to chat to a lot of people online than to try to do it in the bar or club, besides, it is far less intimidating to send a quick message like, "hi there, how are you doing today?" over the internet than to do it in person. Most people are quite well behaved on these apps believe it or not, if they are not interested, they will either ignore your message or they will politely say no thanks. Hardly anyone would go as far as to be cruel when they reject you or indulge in name calling and if you do stumble across someone like that, well you wouldn't want to be their friend in the first place if that's what they are like. And if you are looking for a date, well remember that the lower your standards, the easier it will be to find a date/sex - but bear in mind that if you are willing to lower your standards too far, then whilst you will be able to find dates and sex more easily, it then becomes a fairly pointless, joyless exercise because you will most certainly not enjoy the low-quality experience. Hence there's absolutely nothing wrong with holding out with higher standards and preferring the company of your friends or even staying in with a good box set and a pizza when you can't get a date on those apps.

Rejection is less painful online than in person.

So when you arrive at your university, just focus on making friends and settling into a routine at university. You will have to figure out how much time you need to dedicate to your work at university and how much free time you will have in the evening and weekends - you probably have a list of social activities you already enjoy in Singapore and you will have a choice of either pursuing the same activities in the UK or take the opportunity to broaden your horizons by trying something new. Perhaps you want to work part time as well in order to gain some valuable work experience - that'll look good on your CV. There is no right or wrong answer on that front - as long as your choices make you happy and you are able to create a network of friends you can enjoy an active social life with, then that's great. Even if you are not actively looking for gay friends, I'm sure you'll come across some along the way as British society is remarkably gay-friendly and gays will be quite honest about their sexuality. So for example, when I joined the local gymnastics club upon moving to London, within a few training sessions, I had already figured out which gymnasts were gay there because they were totally open about their sexuality. This is quite unlike a place like Singapore, where gays tend to stay in the closet or are at least a lot more careful whom they come out to. Here in the UK, I really don't care who knows I am gay.

But whilst we're on the topic of dating, I'd like to talk about sexual racism - that means a refusal to date and have sex with people of a certain ethnicity. I'm not going to avoid the elephant in the room, quite a lot of East Asian men have complained about that in the West. In the case of the UK gay scene, it often means white gays who refuse to date Asians or blacks and in some cases, even southern Europeans with darker features. If you are going to use dating apps like Grindr or Gaydar, then it is inevitable that you will come across profiles by white guys who will state categorically, "no blacks, no Asians." Such dating apps are blunt - you're also likely to see people reject a number of things like, "no fats, no over 50s, no BB, no piercings, no beards etc". How do I feel personally about this? I'm actually perfectly fine with it - you see, I work in sales and the salesman in me never wants to waste any time with someone who is never going to buy what I am selling. So if someone is not going to be interested in me for whatever reason, I don't want to waste even a moment talking to him. Rather than get upset over people who do not want to date me, I simply move on and focus on those who do want to date me. Perhaps this extremely pragmatic approach comes from years of working in sales - it is pointless wasting time and energy crying over sales that fell through for whatever reason, and if I want to feel better, I'd do something constructive like pitch a brand new client - one who may be far more interested in what I have to offer.

It is not a popularity contest on these apps.

I am currently selling fixed income products, quite specifically, corporate bonds. Now there are some investors who have plenty of experience using such products and they are easy to approach, they are open minded about trading in bonds and they are the perfect kind of client I wish to speak to. Then there are those who have never ever used such products before and have all kinds of misconceptions about everything from the liquidity to the risk factor to the cost of trading: there are times when I feel motivated enough to try to change their minds about how wrong and misinformed they are about fixed income products but most of the time, I just back off and concede that I would be better off trying to sell to someone who isn't so ignorant about bonds. At the end of the day, if someone isn't interested in what I have to offer, that's fine - I don't take it personally. There are plenty of options for investors today and just because someone prefers say hedge funds or ETFs to corporate bonds, doesn't mean there's anything wrong with corporate bonds. As long as I find enough people who do want to invest with me, then it gives me enough self-confidence to look at my sales figures and say, "see? All these people have invested and liked what I have to offer - that goes to show that what I am offering is good and as for those who said no to me, that's just their loss, too bad for them. I hope their investments work out."

I do believe we all have the right to express a preference to what kind of people we wish to date and have sex with - for example, despite the fact that it has become quite fashionable for men to grow beards these days, I think beards are disgusting and would never consider dating someone who has a beard. But do I have friends with beards? Yes, of course - I'll be their friends, work with them, hang out with them, but just don't expect me to have sex with a bearded man. That's my choice. By the same token, I don't have to prove that I am not a racist by sleeping with a man from every continent - whom I choose to sleep with is a completely private matter and it is up to me what criteria I set for my choices. I don't have to justify my choices to anyone or explain why I find beards just totally gross. Often, we do not talk about what we find sexually attractive in public, but in trying to streamline the matchmaking process, these dating apps have allowed some people to be brutally honest about what they find unattractive and whilst finding yourself on the receiving end of that list may be upsetting to some, quite frankly I'd rather have that honesty and know where I stand with people. Perhaps I have a very thick skin after having worked so many years in sales, but if you're really that easily offended than you really shouldn't even use one of those dating apps in the first place, knowing exactly what you will encounter there.

Let's not play the blame game.

Is there racism on the gay scene, amongst gay people? Yes there is, the same way there is racism amongst all sections of the population in the UK. A white person who chooses not to have sex with an Asian person isn't racist - but a white person who tells offensive racist jokes or perpetuates derogatory stereotypes of Asian people, now that's racism. It is important to know the difference between the two because you should save your anger and angst for the real racists: believe me when I tell you that there is enough crap in life to get angry over, a white person choosing not to have sex with a black or Asian person isn't one of those things worth wasting your energy over. Many Singaporeans are terrified about racism in the West, as if they would just keel over and die the moment they encounter a racist person. Well there are so many different problems that one may have to deal with in life and encountering racism is just one item on a very long list of things that can go wrong. Why are they so fearful of racism when really, it is something we have to learn to deal with and cope with? Gay people have learnt to stand up to homophobia in so many aspects of British society, so why can't an Asian person do exactly the same thing when encountering racism? Be warned: I am the nastiest, meanest Asian bitch you've ever come across, good luck to the person who dares to make a racist joke in my presence. 

There's an aspect of my work which has shaped my character: I spend a lot of time at work solving problems - the directors are often too busy to resolve them so I am asked to deal with these problems. Sometimes it is a technical issue as to why a broker will not process a trade, other times it could be something to do with a compliance or due diligence issue with a new client, or it may be an unhappy distributor whom we have upset in one way or another. I have no idea what the next problem I have to deal with may be, but given my track record in having solved so many problems already, I am confident in my ability to deal with whatever crazy shit may come my way in the coming weeks. By that token, I take that same attitude when it comes to dealing anything I may come across on in life as a gay man - I may not know what lies in the future for me, but I know that even if I encounter a problematic situation, I know I am resourceful and intelligent enough to find a solution to whatever the problem may be. That has a lot to do with my faith in my abilities, rather than a blind faith in how great the gay community here is in the UK. You can always depend on yourself, I'm not so sure about putting your faith in others or in society. Sometimes you have to take credit for the situation and I am definitely doing that.

As for your description of yourself as a short, Chinese dork geek, well Austin, it seems that you're not exactly happy with what you see in the mirror. Well, that is an issue we have to deal with: are you happy with the way you look? Why are you putting yourself down? Is there something you can do to make yourself more attractive, to be happier with what you see in the mirror? Well, without actually knowing what you look like, I can't tell you what to do - heck, even if I knew what you looked like, what you choose to do is ultimately up to you. There are two routes you can take: improvement or acceptance. If you want to go down the path of improvement, then there's a lot you can do to improve your body through an exercise regime to build muscles. There's also much you can do in terms of fashion and styling to create an image that expresses your personality. That's certainly the route I went down, but there is an alternative. You could seek acceptance by finding a community of similarly dorky, nerdy geeks who have similar interests, who eschew this shallow obsession with looking good all the time. There are certainly gay geeks who for example, share an interest in computer games: they're known as 'gaymers'. If you can be happy with the way you are and simply seek acceptance by a group of peers who understand you, then perhaps this would be the right route for you: the choice is ultimately yours Austin.

I know a lot of people would push you towards the latter, finding a group of peers who will accept you the way you are, but I am going to sell you the other option at the risk of making me look like a bad guy. Please hear me out because I have a good argument here!  You have an amazing opportunity to go to university in the UK - it can be a brilliant time in your life to grow, mature and learn about yourself. You're entering an important transition phase when you complete your education, stop being a student and become an adult - the next few years ago going to determine what kind of adult you will be once you complete that transition. I hate the idiots who go down the 'there's nothing wrong with me' route because let's be honest here: every single one of us have our own faults, we may not be willing to admit what our faults are to others around us, but we all know what our faults are. None of us are perfect, so by that token, none of us have the right to claim, "there's nothing wrong with me, I don't need to change" because there's something wrong with each and every single one of us and we all can improve, we can all strive to be better people. I would suggest that you pick a role model - maybe someone who is already very successful in the career you wish to embark on after graduation and then work on what you admire about your role model. Then, you can focus on aspects of your life where you can focus on for improvement, to become more like your role model. If you don't already have a role model in mind, that's fine: we're starting with a clean slate and this is a good time to decide what kind of adult you'll like to be in 10 or 20 years' time.

What do you want for your future Austin?

A lot of people think that it is unhealthy for young people to go down that cycle of always being unhappy with their appearances, that leads to low self-esteem when they look in the mirror and do not like what they see. But to go the other way to just embrace their imperfections with a "I don't need to change, I'm perfect the way I am" attitude is just as unhealthy. There must be a happy, sensible medium to be struck between "I'm so hideous" and "I'm 100% perfect". Ironically, the people who think they are hideous and those who have spent a lot of effort improving themselves to reach an impossible ideal whilst those who think they are perfect already are usually, well, hideous because they've never tried to improve themselves. A very practical way to improve ourselves is to hang around people we have a lot to learn from - so in the context of being a university student, you want to make sure you have a good mix of friends: yes you will have friends from your course but also try to make friends with older working adults who will have a totally different perspective on life. They may prove to be extremely useful contacts you make when the time comes for you to look for your first job.

I hope I have given you plenty to think about and have given my readers a glimpse into gay life in London. If you have any other questions on gay issues or life at university in the UK, please leave a comment below - thanks for reading.