Please help me try to understand my parents

Hi guys, my family have just left after visiting me for a week. I told you about the big argument I've had with them when they were here - well, I had a chat with my sister and she explained some things to me. She was able to tell me exactly how they deal with certain circumstances but she was unable to tell me why - apart from stating that they've always been like that and attributing it to their culture (of which I do not feel a part of). I'm reaching out to my readers who have older Asian parents to try to understand what is going on. I suppose I have not lived with my parents for 19 years and it's kinda hard to appreciate just how old they've become. I admit, I don't know how their age has affected their behaviour, I'm at at loss; so that's why I am asking for help from others who may also have elderly Asian parents too.

Now, what my sister explained was this: the moment my parents have formed an opinion of something, they simply will not change the opinion under any circumstances even when they are clearly wrong. You may think, okay they're a bit stubborn - oh no, it goes way beyond that. Let me give you a simple example, my father is under the impression that once the temperature falls below 0 degrees, it will always snow. I had to explain to him that it can be very cold and dry, it may fall below 0 degrees but snow is never guaranteed as it depends on so many different conditions that will produce precipitation in those circumstances that will fall as snow. We've been having some very cold weather of late, with night time temperatures falling to -4 degrees some nights but we have not had any snow. So we were walking back from the restaurant after dinner and it was so cold, some of the puddles on the ground were frozen and there was plenty of frost around. It was a very cold night indeed. My nephew asked what temperature it was and I said it was below zero. My father argued that no, it is above zero because it is not snowing.

We then stopped at some ice on the road and I tried to reason with him: water freezes at 0 degrees, right? How come that puddle of water is frozen? The fact that it is frozen means that it is at least 0 degrees right now, if not colder. He then claimed that the water has impurities which made it freeze at above 0 degrees and I said, no - if you have impurities in the water, then that that lowers the freezing point of the water, not raise it. That's why we scatter salt on the roads when it is very icy, as the impurities (in the form of salt) would lower the melting point of the ice, causing the ice to melt even when it is say -2 degrees. But no amount of logic, science or reasoning could persuade him that he was wrong and I was right - he insisted that the temperature was above zero despite the fact that nobody in the family agreed with him (but I think nobody had any desire to argue with him either). So I asked him what was his reasoning: he said that when he watched TV programmes of winter scenes, there was always snow on the ground so he equates sub-zero temperature with snow and if there's no snow, it must be above zero. So I said, right so your guess work is based on some impression you got from TV programmes, rather than any actual science. That says it all. Sigh.

My father thinks he knows more about winter weather than I do?!?

Is my father really that stupid when it comes to science? No, surely not. But he biggest fault is that he refuses to let anyone tell him that he is wrong, even when the evidence (in the form of a big frozen puddle) is staring him in the face. So I decided it was not worth it, my father was here for a holiday, not study for a science exam (unlike my nephew who is still in secondary school). The next morning, after a bitterly cold night, there was frost on my roof garden. He claimed that was snow that had fallen overnight, I said no, that's not snow, it's frost. It's the small bits of dew that have frozen overnight - but did he listen to me? No, he declared it had snowed overnight despite -ahem- his son being the one who's spent 19 years in Europe, lived through so many winters and has a degree in geography. I have given up trying to teach him anything to do with science as he would rather rely on his gut instinct and guess work rather than modern science. So even when he is wrong, he refuses to let anyone tell him he is wrong.

My mother is just as bad when it comes to this aspect. Once she forms an opinion, she would never change her mind. You see in the UK and indeed Europe, churches tend to have an open door policy - you may visit during daylight hours and often in the evenings as well, they are friendly and want to attract more worshipers. In Singapore, you tend not to wander into someone's church if you're not a member of that church or if you're going there say for a wedding or a mass. I brought them to a church and my mother hesitated and said, "we'd better not disturb them, you can't visit other people's church." I reassured her that it was fine and begrudgingly, she entered the beautiful church. My sister started taking photos of the stained glass windows and my mother stopped her, saying that you should take pictures in the church for it is not respectful. I then stopped and asked the priest if we were allowed to visit and take photos. The priest couldn't have been nicer - he welcomed us and told us that he positively encourages visitors to take photos, tweet them, post them on Instagram, do Facebook check-ins and talk about the church on social media as they really want to reach out to the younger generation. Did that assure my mother? Nope, not at all. I thought the priest's warm welcome would suffice, but the moment we left the church, my mother said again, "You really shouldn't have taken photos in there, you're invading their privacy." And I was like, did you not hear a word of what the priest said at all?

My mother clearly didn't listen to a word the priest said.

OK that's just two examples (I have plenty more) so as you can see, my parents' take being stubborn to a whole new level. Don't get me wrong, we shared lovely moments together as a family during this visit, but they often say extremely misinformed things about London which would lead to me correcting them and them refusing to believe a word I say. Hey, I have lived here for 19 years and am a British citizen, I wonder who knows more about English culture and London? Me or my father who can barely string a sentence together in English. Of course, he thinks he knows more than me. My sister often tells me to just let it go because it's just not worth it - what's the point? Even if you do teach them something about physical geography or British culture, what are they going to do with that knowledge? Why do you even bother trying to educate them? Just let them be. I eventually realized that my sister opts for this approach as there's no real alternative - me trying to inform them just leads to more arguments and unpleasantness when they refuse to believe a word I say, despite the fact that my father has just conveniently rewritten the laws of physics to support his utterly ridiculous beliefs.

I have a few theories as to why they are like that, if you do have older parents, can you tell which of these theories are true and which are not? I have listed five plausible theories here, I'm not sure which ones of these five are applicable in this case (some, all, none?) - but for what it is worth, could I get your opinion? Or is it something else altogether?

1. Elderly folks = Senile/forgetful

One can't ignore the fact that the inability to learn anything new or even absorb simple information is a sign of senility. My friend Steve's mother is very senile and she can't remember even the most basic things - sometimes she even stares at Steve and asks, "who are you? Have you seen my son?" Steve is 50 today and in her mind, Steve is a very young man. (Yeah, sad, I know.)  Certainly my parents are not that forgetful - they still lead very independent lives in that they drive around Singapore in their car, they like remaining fiercely independent even though their short term memory isn't great sometimes. But I found it astonishing that my mother could 'forget' that we had just been told a few minutes ago by the very friendly priest that we were more than welcome to take photographs - how could this be? Is her short term memory really that bad? How can you 'forget' a conversation that took place a few minutes ago? Certainly, she appears to be very much capable of everyday tasks, but I really don't understand enough about how older folks start losing their memory and start becoming very forgetful as senile dementia kicks in.

For example, I have shown my parents how to use the shower - it is not rocket science, I don't have a space-age shower. There are two functions: you control the temperature of the water by twisting the knob to the left and right, then you either pull out the lever to start the shower or push it in to turn off the shower. How hard can that be? How can you forget? But every single day, they looked at it as if they were seeing it for the first time and no matter how I teach them, they just cannot remember. I had to adjust the water temperature for them. Look they both drive cars in Singapore - if you can operate a car, then surely learning how to use a shower is a lot easier? If they can't even figure out how to use a shower, then should they be still driving? If it is indeed senile dementia kicking in, then maybe we should stop them driving - a task which can have deadly consequences if they suddenly forget how to change gears?

Why do some people find it hard to remember things?

2. I don't need to work anymore, so why bother learning or listening?

Perhaps dementia hasn't kicked in (not yet anyway) - what has kicked in however is just a form of laziness. My parents are retired and have been very passive in terms of embracing anything new. When they worked as teachers, they only learnt new things, attended courses etc when the school made them do so - they always claimed they were so busy working that they had no time for anything like hobbies outside work. When they had free time, they simply read the newspaper or watched TV. I remember my mother being made to go on a course back in the early 1990s and she grumbled about having to learn new stuff at her age - she clearly didn't like the idea of having to be a student again, I guess it made her insecure because it can be potentially stressful if you go on a course only to discover that you suck at the subject and find everything a real struggle. That's the kind of stress that students face everyday at school of course as they are constantly learning, but you'll be amazed how many older folks - especially retirees - gladly stop learning anything new and after many years of being like that, they become totally unable to pick up new thing - it is a mindset that afflicts a lot of older folks who are not longer working.

This manifests itself in the form of what I term, "listening comprehension fail" - ie. if something is not deemed useful, you don't pay attention. So for example, my nephew had asked me a question about schools in England and I was passionately explaining to him how the system here is quite different despite Singapore being a former British colony and inheriting many aspect of the British system. I could see that my mother had stopped listening - she is retired, she doesn't need to work anymore: hence the information isn't deemed useful to her at all. Hence she may still be sitting at the same table but her eyes are wandering around the room as she just sat there quietly, neither participating in the conversation nor even listening. She then made a remark like, "oh that plant in the corner there looks really nice, I didn't think indoor plants could thrive so well. I should get one like that too." That said it all - she had decided that she didn't need the information I was sharing, had stopped listening minutes ago and had been looking at the pretty plants in the room instead. So you can talk to her all you want but she decides when she will listen and when she won't.

That does go a long way to explain my dad's attitude with English - he can't speak English, won't speak English, doesn't even bother to try, not even when he visits England. He's managed to make a decent, respectable living as a Chinese teacher in Singapore for so many years barely using any English and now he's retired. However, what about other things like learning how to use a new shower or learning about the laws of physics when it comes to snow and ice formation? The fact that he was born in British Malaya under the shackles of colonization and imperialism may explain some of his negative attitude towards the English and the English language - but what has he got against the laws of physics? Or what is it stopping him from learning about how snow is formed? Or even how to use my shower?

3. The primary school teacher egomaniac complex?

There is a possibility as well that my parents do suffer from a superiority complex which almost gives them an egomaniac streak. Let me put this in context: they have spent all of their lives working in primary schools in Singapore and let's face it, it's not hard to feel smarter than an 8 year old kid. The kids would ask questions that are relatively easy to answer - I have even witnessed my father do this with my nephew when he was younger - but admittedly my nephew is asking more and more complex questions as he gets older so I am not sure how long my dad could keep doing that. In any case, if you've spent a few decades being the "know-it-all" teacher, it is hard to admit that there are times, you simply don't know the answer to questions like, "how do you change the melting point of ice?" or "how is snow produced in the clouds?" Do all teachers have this mindset? Which brings me neatly on to my next point...

Do all teachers have this kind of mentality?

4. My parents are not on the internet. 

You see, when we don't know how to explain something, we simply google it. My French friend who is currently learning Mandarin asked me when it is necessary to use 是 in a sentence, why must we use it in a sentence like, "他是法国人" but not "他很累"? I struggled to find an answer because I simply know when it is necessary to use it and when it is not. So rather than try to work it out for myself, I simply looked it up on google and forwarded him this link. Et voila, problem solved. However, my parents do not use the internet (I refer you to point 2 above) - they didn't need it for work and have consigned it to the long list of things they don't need to learn. But what this means is that they would gladly rely on hearsay or something they have read a long time ago (but can't remember clearly - note that their memory isn't great these days) rather than just whipping out their phones and googling it.

Look, I don't claim to be this super intelligent guy who has an encyclopedia in my head. I simply look stuff up on the internet, this allows me to draw upon so much useful information from a variety of sources to understand the world around me. Take the whole issue about whether cold water makes a cough worse: we discussed it as my nephew started coughing whilst in London. Whilst my sister and I debated the issue based on science, my parents merely said, "Dr Quek said so and he is a doctor - how can he be wrong?" They had absolutely no understanding at all about the science behind the Asian commonly held myth - looking up the issue on the internet, reading what other doctors have said about it is completely beyond them. They believe in this old wife's tale simply because our former family GP (now retired) in Singapore believes in it. When you have so little information available, then everything becomes black and white and thus they have a very simplistic view on matters - that's how people behaved back in the 1980s and 1970s and they were a lot more ignorant then. Without the internet, my parents are stuck in that time warp and are oblivious to how they are coming across to those of us who do use Google on a daily basis to verify anything when in doubt.

Life without the internet is unimaginable for me.

5. They don't want to lose face.

Or maybe, my parents jolly well know that they are wrong or ignorant - they are just too proud to admit it. You see, if they adamantly refuse to admit that they are wrong and everyone around them is too nice to rub it in their faces, well you'll be amazed how much they get away with. Let me give you an example: I often cooked dinner for my family when they were staying so my parents who finished eating first decided to wash the dishes (despite my sister offering to do so). So when I asked a simple question, "did you wipe the dishes or do you want me to wipe them?" My dad claimed that he had wiped all the dishes and they are all dry. I picked up a stack of bowls and turned them upside down - water dripped from them. He had clearly not wiped them. I didn't say a word and proceed to wipe them - that was when my father claimed, "there's something wrong with your cloth." I rolled my eyes an said, "it's okay if you didn't wipe them, I'll do it." My dad then flew into a rage, saying something about British goods being of inferior quality - that even dishcloths do not absorb water. I think he just got upset that he forgot whether he had wiped those dishes or not. But why can't he just laugh it off and say, "oh yeah, I forgot, they're still wet." Heck, nobody asked him to do the dishes, I would have done them myself but because I was so busy serving everyone food, I hadn't finished eating my meal yet.

So you know what he did just to make a point? He bought me a set of dishcloths the next day, to replace the ones that he claimed didn't absorb water. I honestly can't tell the difference - they are made of exactly the same kind of cloth. But I didn't want to rub it in his face, so I thanked him for his gift. Like seriously, I never expected my dad to do any housework whilst he stayed with me, I was more than happy to take good care of him. But what just irks me so much is the way he felt compelled to lie about the wet dishes and then go as far as to buy me some dishcloths to make a point. I really don't get this whole Chinese thing about 'losing face' - who do they think they are trying to kid? Okay admittedly, there are times when I act dumb - let me give you an example. I was once at an audition when I overheard the casting director saying that I was not right for the part and that was even before I had done the audition. That remark was not meant for my ears but I heard it anyway - what did I do? I pretended I didn't hear it and went through with the audition feeling rotten, knowing that it was a waste of time. I didn't let my feelings show as I didn't want to 'lose face' in front of everyone there. But come on, what 'face' did he have to 'lose' over the dishes? The whole thing just felt ridiculous. It's bad enough when they don't listen - but to lie to me and change the laws of physics? Good grief.

Can I blame their behaviour on Chinese culture?

Sigh, I wish things were easier with my parents, honestly. I do want to get along with them. They have done sweet things for me on this trip - so for example, with their left over British currency that they didn't want to take back to Singapore, they decided to fill my fridge with groceries and bought all kinds of things. I returned home to find my fridge fully stocked, imagine my surprise. (Okay they bought some odd items I would never buy, but it's the thought that counts.) So, what do you think? Do any of these five explanations apply? Or am I missing something altogether here, could there be another reason as to why my parents behave the way they do? What alternative do I have, but to simply ignore them every time they act in such a stubborn way and effectively give in to them?  Do you have any suggestions for me please? Thank you for allowing me to get this off my chest. I look forward to hearing from you.