Ten wishes I have for my nephew

Hello everyone. As my nephew in Singapore has finished his PSLE, I think back to the days way back in 1988 when I was in the same position as he was, not having a care in the world for that brief period between completing one's primary school and commencing one's secondary school education. Time flies, honestly, it doesn't feel that long ago when I remember he was just a baby reaching for my mobile phone and my sister saying, "aiyoh please don't give it to him, he may drop it". Heck, I still have memories of a school excursion in 1988 to the zoo - it is funny how I can remember all the fun activities I had back then, whilst I have conveniently decided to forget a lot of the boring stuff I did at school. As my young nephew is about the begin the next chapter in his life, there are quite a few issues on my mind.

Do I have any good advice for my nephew as an uncle?

I don't really talk much to my nephew if I may be totally honest - he's not big on conversation. I ask him questions and often get monosyllabic answers. I usually try to get him to talk about what he is interested in, which often leads to him telling me about the computer games he likes and quite frankly, my only opinion on the issue is, "kids like you shouldn't be playing computer games at all, it will make your eyesight even worse and you should be spending quality time interacting with real human beings, not a computer games console - if I were your dad you would not be allowed computer games at all." But no, I realize how much it means to him and I don't criticize (or maybe I should). The kid has got his whole life ahead of him and I have voiced my concerns over the way my parents have been playing a part in his upbringing, but as he transforms imminently into a teenager, here are my wishes for him. I think he's too young to have this conversation with me, so I am posting it as an open letter on my blog for anyone this may be applicable to.

1. Grades are not everything: enjoy being a student, enjoy learning.

I'm sorry but I just had to start with the Singaporean cliche - grades are not everything and your life shouldn't revolve your grades. That is a hard message to explain to a Singaporean student whose job essentially is to study and do well in exams: but there is so much more to education than doing well in exams. The journey should be as important as the destination - being a student is a wonderful experience, when you can just spend so many years learning about the wonderful world. It should be a wonderful time when you are given the opportunity to discover things not just about the world around you, but about yourself. Students should be given the chance to find out what they are good at, what they excel in, so as they can decide what career they wish to have when they grow up. I'm afraid the Singaporean system simply bludgeons students through the rigorous exams, to live up to some ideal of becoming a scholar or a doctor. I wish my nephew would be able to enjoy his education at least some of the time, appreciate the experience of being a student without worrying too much about what the exams he will inevitably have to take along the way.

Learning should be an enjoyable and rewarding process.

Will he listen if I told him this? 

I doubt it. He's a Singaporean kid, from a Singaporean family, in a Singaporean school, Need I explain more?

2. Life is not a popularity contest.

Gosh, this was the part that really confused the heck out of me in secondary school. I did find some nice friends there and didn't get along with others - in short, my experience was pretty normal except that I allowed the fact that I didn't get along with some people bother me. I wanted to be well-liked, I guess that's a normal human trait - if others don't like us, we think, "oh dear, that's not right. Surely I should fix this?" But in life, you can't expect to get along with everyone around you - the key is to be diplomatic and civil with those you can't get along with, mitigate those relationships so they don't turn toxic or troublesome whilst cherishing those good friends you do get along well with. I can think of two boys in my secondary school who just didn't like me and quite frankly, I don't really know why and I'm quite happy to say today, "it's their choice not to like me, but so what, big deal - I don't like them either." I just hope my nephew can approach the issue of making friends in the same way and not be too worried about being popular.

Will he listen if I told him this? 

Well, my nephew seems to have a different problem with friendships and relationships. I think the problem now is that he cares too little about getting along with people as he is obsessed with computer games and gets very engrossed in them - it is easier for an autistic child to retreat into his world of computer games rather than have to figure out complex human interactions. People like that tend to care far less about being popular (unlike me), but I do wonder how he will react and cope should he meet kids in secondary school who don't like him (that's just inevitable in life). It takes a confident person to be able to deal with that and walk away unscathed.

3. Trying to figure out what career he would like to do

Oh I think I already know what makes him happy: computer games. But what I would love for him to be able to do is to make a living doing something he enjoys - the chances of him making money from playing computer games is remotely slim: millions of people around the world play computer games for fun but how many actually can become celebrity gamers who can make money? Well, it's like music: practically everyone consumes music because it brings us pleasure to listen to music that we like, but how many of us can make money from it: be it singing like Mariah Carey, Lady Gaga or Taylor Swift, or perhaps working in the music industry? Heck, Sun Ho gave it her best shot but failed to make any money. So if my nephew's passion is life does turn out to be computer games, then he has to think about how he can get a job in that industry - he will then need to learn things like coding, which simply isn't covered in your standard Singaporean secondary school syllabus; so much needs to be done to broaden my nephew's horizons.

What kind of working life would you like to have?

Will he listen if I told him this? 

I am not sure - it is a big ask for a young boy to think about what he wants to do with his adult life, but the sooner one has a clear idea of what you would like to do, the sooner you can start working towards it. Singaporean education is simply too general at this stage to point anyone in any specific direction. Most students suffer from short term vision - they can see no further than the exams at the end of the year but they should start thinking about their career choice early, then they can map out the path they need to take in terms of their education to get them where they need to be. This is where young students need the most guidance and help, to develop that long term vision.

4. Stop seeking approval from others

Gosh, the amount of time I wasted seeking approval from others - from my family, from my peers, from people in position in authority when really, I ought to have given myself the confidence to endorse my very own stamp of approval and say, "that's good enough, I am satisfied." Of course, this requires a great deal of self confidence and in my case, I really only found that in my adult life after moving to Europe. And okay, if he was to try to seek approval (as young people inevitably will), I hope at least he will try to seek it from the right people who will offer him the right kind of guidance he needs, rather than make him feel like a failure if he fails to live up to some kind of ideal they have set.

Be careful when seeking approval from others.

Will he listen if I told him this? 

I doubt it. By nature, he seeks approval and I don't know how to break the cycle, not just yet.

5. Find your voice, speak up for what you believe in

This is such an important part of a young person establishing his identity - you need to find issues you believe in. Maybe it's awful human rights in Myanmar, maybe it is the environment, maybe it is improving the quality of education in Singapore, maybe it is changing the political system in Singapore - regardless of what matters to my nephew, I hope he can find his voice and speak up for what he believes in. I'm afraid Singaporean culture doesn't give children the space and opportunity to express themselves - they are dictated what to think, what to believe in, what the model answers are and rarely have the opportunity to express an opinion or speak up for what truly matters to them. My parents couldn't give a shit about what I believed in - thank goodness I had very kind two older sisters who took the time to listen to me, talk to me and nurture me in the absence of the right kind of effective parenting on that front.

What do you believe in? What will you stand up for?

It is so important for young people to express themselves: not just vocally, but through other means such as creative writing, through art, music, creating a Youtube videos and they should be able to make a statement to the world by creating something unique. I have talked about one's internet footprint and I'm afraid so many young people probably have little to say for themselves, because they are not encouraged to express themselves. They become very passive consumers of media - so they watch films and TV, they listen to music, they read magazines but in terms of putting stuff out there, they don't bother at all because they don't believe anyone will take notice if they made the effort.

Will he listen if I told him this? 

Maybe. I will listen to my nephew and encourage him to express himself to me at least, that's a start. But I'm afraid he's one of those passive consumers of media and I think it will be a challenge to try to get him to be a producer of media - it is a process that will take time, we'll see. This is something that will take time, I can't change him overnight.

6. Find friends who agree with you.

I'm amazed that so many people don't get this - when you go into a school, the army, an office situation - you will encounter so many people who will not see eye to eye with you on so many issues, but guess what? Such is life, that's no big deal because all you need to do is to find people who do agree with you and establish your social network within those circles. As for the people you don't agree with, well - just ignore them, avoid them. I'm amazed at how many people pick fights with strangers they don't agree with on social media, when they can be spending all that time, energy and effort with friends who do share the same point of view with them. Such is the wonder of the internet these days - you can reach out across the web and communicate with so many different people through social media, you may find your soul mate who completely gets you 10 time zones away.

Will he listen if I told him this? 

I hope he will - especially since he is the generation who grew up with the internet, so he will understand this.

Will my nephew be able to find friends who agree with him?

7. Learn to laugh at yourself

Perhaps this is a frivolous one but you will be amazed how many people get upset when things go wrong and one of the best ways to deal with the situation is to simply laugh it off. Let's say we do something stupid, I remember this incident in 1991 when I was in secondary school. There was a photograph to be taken for the year book of all the sports teams and I decided that I was going to flex my muscles in the photo - but as I puffed my cheek out and flexed my muscles, I had a look on my face that can only be described as a constipated hamster trying to have a shit. I looked downright ridiculous in the photo - but that was the photo that went into the year book. Talk about public humiliation: what could I do? I chose to be on the offensive - I ran around school with the year book, pointing out the photo to everyone I knew, laughing at how ridiculous I looked in the photo. Quite simply, if I was already laughing at myself, then how could they make me feel bad about the photo by teasing me about it? Such is the psychology about laughing at yourself - that kind of self-deprecation is very effective.

Will he listen if I told him this? 

Oh, this is going to be a challenge. He's quite a shy child and it is going to take quite a lot of self-confidence to learn how to laugh at yourself before others laugh at you. This is something I just figured out for myself along the way and I'm not quite just how to impart that lesson to him - just because I can do it doesn't mean he can (not easily anyway).

I am always ready to laugh at myself!

8. Accept that adults are human and flawed.

I remember a dreadful story from my childhood: one of my parents' colleague and friend killed himself. He was desperately unhappy in his failing marriage - he hated his job, he hated his wife, his kids wanted little to do with him (apart from getting money from him). So he had an affair with a younger woman and when this younger woman dumped him (after getting his life savings - long story), he was so heartbroken that he killed himself by jumping out of the window of his flat whilst his family was sleeping. I was about ten then and my parents told me that he 'fell out of the window whilst cleaning the window, so it was a tragic accident.' They didn't realize that I had managed to find out the truth and they were just trying to protect me from the ugliness of the whole situation. But where do you draw the line - at some stage, my nephew will have to confront the ugliness of human society, to face the fact that adults can be extremely flawed and a child is not to simply trust adults because they are older.

Will he listen if I told him this? 

I don't know, I honestly don't know. My nephew has been brought up in a very Asian manner, to respect authority, to respect older family members and he has been conditioned to offer that respect over the years. Having spent about half my life in Europe, my attitude on the issue has often caused conflict with my family and I'm terribly aware of the fact that my nephew is actually far more Asian than me in this aspect, so I'm not even sure how to approach this issue.

9. There is a big, beautiful, wonderful world out there.

Oh yes. There is a wonderful world out there, I wish my nephew will have the chance to travel more. I didn't get to travel much as a child because my parents hated traveling - perhaps they were also afraid that I would like other countries so much I may eventually leave Singapore. Spending time outside Singapore will also give you a new appreciation for some of the good things one may take for granted in Singapore. In short, there's everything to gain and nothing to lose by learning more about the big, beautiful, wonderful world out there - my nephew's parents are well traveled and confident people, so I hope he would have the opportunities to travel a lot more than I did as a child.

Will he listen if I told him this? 

Oh my nephew totally enjoys traveling, if he had his way he'd travel a lot more! It's his parents and grandparents who make all kinds of excuses for him not to travel more. For example, my parents find any kind of plane ride totally torturous and they worry about all kinds of things - but put my nephew on the plane and he starts getting fascinated with the in-flight entertainment system instantly. On top of that, my parents can get very paranoid about any kind of cold weather, even if you're talking about Hong Kong in the autumn when temperatures may dip to 16 to 18 degrees.

10. Don't ever take kindness for granted, be grateful.

This is one of my biggest worries - you see, so many people have been extremely kind to my nephew all these years because of his autism. Don't get me wrong, I think it is so wonderful that my nephew has been showered with such an incredible amount of kindness in the early years of his life - let me give you an example: my mother has some friends from her church who found out that my nephew is autistic, so they regularly spend time with him (we're talking outings, taking out for meals, spending quality time talking to him) as they are professionals who know how to deal with autistic children. They are exceptionally patient and kind and have become a part of my nephew's life: words cannot begin to express the gratitude we feel towards this couple and they are just two of many adults who have shown my nephew so much kindness (and sympathy) over the years.

I don't quite know how my nephew perceives all this kindness that he experiences: I wonder if he ever takes it for granted, like of course everyone is going to be nice to me in life. Contrast this to my experience when I grew up when I didn't experience the outpouring of goodwill and kindness that my nephew has experienced - guess what? My experience was normal - most of us just get on with life, we grow up, we make friends, adapt to new environments, we figure out human relationships the hard way in the absence of an abundance of kindness. What will happen in the future? Will these adults in his life continue to shower him with kindness as he turns into a teenager and then into an adult?? How will he react when faced with classmates who are not prepared to be kind to him? Will he have the social skills to deal with difficult situations when people are not prepared to treat him with kindness? How can we help my nephew acquire these skills? That's a big ask for a 12 year old boy of course, but he has got to start learning at some point (and the sooner he starts learning, the better - with NS being just about 6 years away, the clock is ticking).

Let's not take kindness for granted.

Will he listen if I told him this? 

I don't know if I even want to broach the issue - sorry, but it is just too difficult and he won't understand. On one hand, I would love for him to show far more gratitude to the wonderful adults in his life who have made such efforts to shower him with kindness - he should never take them for granted and one day, maybe he can repay them somehow. On the other hand, I also want him to realize that not all adults out there are kind people and there are some nasty people out there - he should be able to deal with them when they cross his path. Will he be able to cope in NS, where bullying is quite common? I don't know. I don't want to think about it as it worries me.

So there you go, those are my ten wishes for my young nephew as he is about to become a teenager and begin secondary school next year. What do you make of my ten concerns and wishes? If you do have children, how have you helped prepare them for adult life and do you have any other suggestions for me? Many thanks for reading!