Q&A: Settling into university and making friends

Hi guys. It is October and many students have just started their courses at university. I wasn't going to blog about it this year (as I have done in previous years) but I received a rather heartfelt comment today and it relates to settling into life at university. This process is harder for some people than others; firstly, I'll just let the letter speak for itself.

Settling into life at university can be a challenging transition for some.

Dear Limpeh,

Hi, how are you? I don't know why I am opening up to you when I haven't even opened up to my siblings or my old friends, but sometimes it is easier to speak to a total stranger than someone you know well. Please allow me to introduce myself, I'm a first year student at a British university and yes, I'm from Singapore. I initially stumbled upon your great blog a few months ago when I was researching winter clothing in preparation for winter in the UK, but have since found loads of interesting articles you have written about university life. Thank you very much for those - I am a clueless, somewhat suaku Singaporean girl who has only just started university and I'm worried.

I'm not exactly a social butterfly, I was the quiet girl in the class you'd barely notice. I studied hard, kept to myself and never caused any trouble. The fact that I wasn't particularly sociable was never a problem in Singapore as I have a big extended family who were always there for me. It seemed that every weekend, someone like an auntie or cousin would organize something and there would be lunch at grandma's place or birthday celebration. I grew up hanging around with my siblings and cousins a lot and my mother would be like, "stop talking to your cousin on Facebook and get back to your homework." I was never in a position where I felt alone or lonely, thanks to my big extended family.

How quickly do you make new friends in a new environment?

When I came to the UK, the thought about making new friends never really crossed my mind at all - I was concerned about my studies, about getting good grades and I was thinking about practical things like what if I fall ill, or if I need to see a dentist, would I be able to cope with the winter weather if it got really cold. There was so much to do when I first arrived here, what with the start of the term and settling into my halls of residence - I was so rushed off my feet that I didn't even realized that I had not really made any friends. It's not like I'm anti-social or anything like that: I see people at my classes, I say hello, they say good morning. I ask them if they are well and we never really get pass the stage where we exchange pleasant greetings and somehow become good friends who hang out.

I have tried some activities after fresher's week and it didn't quite work out - like I went for one session of basketball because I have played some basketball back in Singapore. But OMG, the British girls were so much taller than me and I felt like, damn I didn't feel that short in Singapore but it was clear that my height was always going to work against me if I wanted to play basketball in the UK. People were friendly enough but I didn't want to be the short Asian kid who never gets selected for a team, so I never went back. I tried a few other things as well - I even joined quite a few Facebook groups to try to meet new people at university but found that people tend to form cliques quite quickly and I just don't know how to get myself into those social circles once cliques begin to form. It is frustrating, really frustrating. I don't know if I am just somehow unlucky or if I am doing something very wrong in the way I am approaching people.

Ms Apple Pie didn't enjoy basketball at university.

My cousins back in Singapore are really envious of me studying in the UK - they are telling me like, hey if you get a long weekend, why don't you go to Paris or Rome, somewhere romantic in Europe? And I don't know what to say. The truth is, I don't fancy traveling alone, walking around these cities with a selfie-stick as my only friend. My parents would probably freak out if they knew I was traveling anywhere like that on my own anyway. My parents are only concerned about whether my studies are okay, they may ask about the weather or what I am eating but they have never asked if I am making friends. I don't want to tell them that I feel really lonely here, I don't want them to be worried - but there's a part of me that doesn't want my mother to say something stupid like, "having too many friends can be a distraction from your studies, it is really okay to feel lonely sometimes." As for my cousins, sure we talk on Facebook and Skype, but I don't want to tell them I am lonely as they can't really do anything about it - sure I love the way they are making such an effort to keep in touch but sometimes I find that I have spent an entire day without actually speaking to anyone properly, like having a real conversation (and Facebook, social media doesn't really count).

One of the assumptions I had made was that I would somehow just find friends one way or another once I settled into college life, that somehow I would just meet people I would click with, hang out and become friends. It has just not happened. It is probably my fault as I come across as the awkward foreign student but I really don't know what else I have to do to make friends with the locals. It has come to the point where I thought I really need to ask for help because unless I start doing something radically different, the next few years here in the UK are going to be pretty lonely for me and that thought scares me. You sound like the kind of guy who has been there, done there and seen it all - please tell me what I need to do to break out of this cycle I am stuck in. I don't want to end up like that crazy Ouyang Xiangyu scholar who is academically brilliant but has no friends and ended up trying to kill her classmates. 

Ms Ouyang went rogue and tried to poison her labmates.

With the Christmas break coming up at the end of the year, I don't know what I will do. The thought of spending my first Christmas totally on my own is depressing, everyone will be with their friends and family and if I end up on my own... Christmas was a time for my extended family to get together and even though we are not religious, we would exchange gifts and have a lot of good food together. It's still over two months away but I can't see anyone saying to me, "hey are you on your own? Let's celebrate Christmas together, come round for Christmas dinner with us." I don't want to have to start lying to my friends and family in Singapore as I don't want them to worry but just thinking about it makes me depressed already. I have never been in a situation like this before.

With a smart phone, it is so easy to be on your own - when I am having lunch on my own, I will watch something on my phone, go onto Facebook, play some games or even just listen to a podcast. That's what I used to do all the time in Singapore - the classroom atmosphere could get intense and I liked retreating into my phone, to have some "me time", knowing that I would be surrounded by my family the moment I got home. But things are so different here now and I know I am doing something wrong - I just don't know what is the right thing(s) that I really ought to be doing instead. I remember when I was in secondary school, whenever I had trouble with maths, I could just run to a smart cousin of mine and she would just show me the right answer and tell me what the solution is. I wish it could be that simple now, I need some help. Can you tell me what I ought to be doing please? Thank you for reading my long rant.

- Ms Apple Pie

Christmas is coming... how will you be spending Christmas?

Dear Ms Apple Pie,

Hello and thanks for your heartfelt letter. I am afraid I don't have a model answer to show you how to solve your problem for it is a complex challenge but for what it is worth, allow me to discuss some of the issues that you have raised in your letter. Firstly, may I reassure you that everyone finds this transition to university difficult, it is not just you. Of course, being an international student makes this transition even harder as you are far further from your family and there are also an element of culture shock when moving to a new country. What I have observed is this phenomena happening: many students realize that the majority of new students are in the same position, all feeling kinda lonely and lost in the first few weeks at university. So they usually try talking to anyone and everyone whilst keeping an open mind - yes you may hit off with some people, you may not, but even if you don't, it is not the end of the world because you can still enjoy time with people you may not have that much in common with.

I remember this evening way back in my first year at university, I left the library late one evening and heard the sound of piano music. When I realized that it was actually someone playing (he stopped in the middle of the song, then picked up where he had left off) and not a CD, my curiousity got the better of me and I followed the sound of the music. It led me to a student from Japan who was pretty much in the same position as I am - an international student, new to the country and playing the piano was way of relaxing. I said to him, "hi there, you're really good, do you mind if I sit here to listen to you?" And he was like, "oh I'm not very good but sure, please be my guest." We were soon joined by another two students whom, like me, simply followed the music out of curiousity. We ended up sitting there and talking all evening, grateful for each other's company whilst the very talented Japanese student played the piano.

Meeting new people is part of the university experience.

Did we become good friends? No we didn't, I guess we didn't have that much in common, but it wasn't unpleasant or awkward. Whether you're talking about meeting new classmates or new colleagues, there will always be some people you will get along with more easily and others whom you won't have much in common in. The thing is when you encounter the latter, the thing is not to simply dismiss them out of hand but still take pleasure in the interactions. Naturally, we are drawn to people we have more in common with as it is easier to form a connection - but take the Japanese pianist for example, I took great pleasure in learning about his life in Japan. I thought he was clearly talented and asked him why didn't pursue a career as a pianist in Japan: as I had expressed a genuine interest in his culture, he took the time to tell me his story which I found thoroughly fascinating.

It is important to find joy and satisfaction in all kinds of social interaction - whether it is catching up with a very old friend or making a new one. I am glad to read that you are already making an effort to try a range of activities at your university, so okay, you have yet to find someone you can really form a connection with, but haven't you met a range of people in the process? Surely some of them must be interesting enough to hold your attention, to offer you some social interaction that will give you pleasure? It seems you are already doing all the right things by making an effort to join social clubs - why not take the opportunity to learn a brand new skill or perhaps get some work experience?

Why hide away in the library when you could be making friends?

As for traveling abroad, fear not - I actually have a solution! Many social groups/sports clubs at university do organize trips abroad. Some of my friends recently went to a training camp in Prague with their cheer leading squad. It does kill two birds with one stone - you get to travel and make friends at the same time, but you must be prepared to fit in to do such trips. I have done such trips before when I was at university and have ended up arguing with some people on the trip - you can't expect to get along with everyone on trips like that, but it is a good lesson in terms of learning to deal with such people diplomatically. Believe you me, this is good training for the working world where you have to learn to work with and get along with people you may not like at all. Is this a simple, easy solution? No it isn't - but it is a valuable learning experience that is beneficial, as long as you take it in the right spirit.

And as for the issue of spending Christmas on your own, I think you're worried for nothing - ask yourself this, what is the worst case scenario? You spend Christmas on your own - is that such a big deal? The UK is not a religious country at all, Christmas is usually a time for families to get together especially since it is customary for adults to move away from their parents once they turn about 18. Some move across town, some move halfway across the country whilst others end up abroad, but Christmas is the one time a year when they try to get back together for a reunion. So please, don't feel bad if you don't get invited by your British friends to their homes for Christmas because it is a time for them to spend with their families, rather than their friends. In contrast, young people tend to celebrate ushering in the new year together, after having spent the Christmas holidays with their families. So if you don't get invited, don't feel bad - it's nothing personal. Christmas day will pass quickly enough - have a lie in, watch a few movies on TV, maybe go for a long walk if the weather is good, get a tub of nice ice cream and it will be boxing day before you know it.

As winter approaches, are you making any plans?

But if you really can't stand the thought of spending Christmas on your own, why not volunteer for a charity on Christmas day? There are plenty of charities out there who rely on volunteers to spread a little Christmas cheer to those who don't have families to spend the holidays with such as homeless people, refugees as well as the elderly in care homes (you call them 'old folks home' in Singapore). It will give you something meaningful to do on Christmas day and instead of feeling sorry for yourself on that day, it will open your eyes up to the lives of others who are far less fortunate than you in this world. Heck, I have friends who have families to spend Christmas with but much prefer to do charity work on Christmas because they find such activities far more meaningful than overindulging on rich Christmas food and quarreling with family members: I've witnessed an epic mother-daughter Christmas argument before when both have had a few glasses of wine - yikes. Talk about awkward.

You're probably not doing anything wrong in terms of the way you approach the issue of making friends. The thing is not to focus on the negative but to enjoy this new experience, the learning curve is steep of course but you will emerge from this process a lot more able to cope with challenging social situations (such as when you start working). Try to see the positive side of meeting new people, I find meeting new people thoroughly fascinating because you never quite know what they can teach you. The key is to keep an open mind and be ready learn about new things from new friends, that can be a lot of fun and whilst this is radically different from hanging out with siblings and cousins you grew up with, a big benefit of studying abroad is learning about making friends and establishing new social connections - this is probably the most useful lesson you will learn at university (and this isn't even in the curriculum, go figure).

Learning to get along with new people is so important for your working life.

Ouyang Xiangyu is a pretty extreme case - it was not as if she was alone, she had lab mates and other friends at Stanford, it was not the lack of social interaction that drove her insane. What tipped her over the edge we may never know, but one key element in this case was the fact that she bottled up her feelings. Whatever stress, unhappiness or angst that troubled her, she didn't let it out - it was not in her nature to do so until it came out in the form of attempted murder. It is okay for one to experience stress, but it is not okay for one to bottle up one's feelings under such circumstances. You have your cousins and siblings back in Singapore - I do believe that you should put your pride aside and open up to them, let them be your outlet. Given the good relationship you have with them, they will not judge you if they realize you've had trouble making new friends here, but they will be helpful and supportive. Everyone has their way to releasing stress: some do it through exercise, some through partying, others merely need to sit down and talk to someone - it is important to find what works best for you. The fact is you can't avoid stress at university (or in life), but it is good to know how to deal with it when it comes your way.

Maybe you will find good friends soon, maybe you won't - but the most important thing is for you to appreciate every social interaction you have in your life right now. For example, I really enjoyed the kind of relationship I had with my tutors at university - it was radically different from the kind of teacher-student relationship I had in JC when I was still basically treated like a teenager but now at university, the tutors treated you like an adult and I found the dynamics of that kind of relationship a lot more conducive for learning. I had a formal but friendly relationship with my tutors and took great pleasure in the learning process. The kind of relationships you have with your siblings and cousins are undoubtedly radically different from the ones you will develop with your tutors, but trust me, the latter can be just as rewarding and interesting. When life gives you lemons, just enjoy lemonade - don't complain that you'd rather be drinking apple juice instead. Going to university is all about broadening your horizons - embrace the new opportunities.

Cherish every encounter with everyone you meet in life.

I shall end on that note, but I'm sure my lovely, helpful readers will have plenty of other useful tips for you to make new friends at university. Hang on in there Ms Apple Pie and let us know how you get on, okay? Many thanks for reading!