Interview: Andrew's story from his NS days

Hello everyone. For today's piece, I have interviewed a guy who wishes to be known as "Andrew"  (not his real name) about his time in NS. You see, all Singaporean males have to serve national service, it is conscription and we all have different experiences: some better, others worse. This all depends on the vocation we get, the kind of people we end up working with in our units and a lot of this just boils down to luck or fate. I have chatted with Andrew several times via my blog's comment sections and am friends with him on Facebook now - I just wanted to stress that I am just interviewing him: there is no way I could verify the facts of his story (from quite a while ago), but we both agreed that it was worth sharing because it does show a different side of national service.

Limpeh: So Andrew, where shall we begin? Can you tell me when did you serve your national service please?

Andrew and I served NS back in the 1990s.

Andrew: Can I not be too specific about the dates? I don't want people to be able to identify me or the others involved in my story - let's just say I ORDed before 2000.

Limpeh: So this was a while ago, your experience would have been probably more similar to mine as I served from 1995 to 1997. Can we talk a bit about your background? What were you doing before you enlisted?

Andrew: Before enlisting, I had done my A levels. Let's just say I got good results and was bound for university in Australia - that was the thing that got me through NS, it was looking forward to going to university eventually.

Andrew was looking forward to going to university

Limpeh: So let's move on to the specifics of your story: this happened when you were in your unit...

Andrew: I was a PES C2 soldier you see, that meant I was combat unfit, I did clerical work. In my unit, it meant a lot to be able to pull your weight, get the work done and not to be seen as a slacker. You see, in my unit, it didn't matter what your official vocation was - when we got busy, it was all hands on deck and you were expected to pitch in, help out, pull your weight and nobody rested until the work got done. Well, as you can imagine, given that I was a clerk, I was seen as pretty useless by the rest. I wanted to help, but...

Limpeh: So you struggled with the work.

Andrew: I'm afraid so. It was awful as the guys there were unsympathetic - it was not like, "oh you're new, watch me fix this and learn from me". It was like, "oi what is wrong with you? Why haven't you fixed it yet? What's your problem?"

Limpeh: I see. And how did that affect your relationship between you and your colleagues in your unit then?

Andrew found life in the army very hard.

Andrew: I had developed this reputation as the slacker... the lazy bum who didn't pull his weight. I didn't have any friends and it was a lonely time. People hated me, I was the only A level kid there and it was mostly a Mandarin and Hokkien speaking environment. I don't speak Hokkien and my Mandarin isn't great - I would try to speak to the others in Mandarin of course but they would always answer in English, that felt like they didn't even allow me to behave like one of them. There were times they picked on me...

Limpeh: Give me an example of that Andrew.

Andrew: Okay, once there was this big oil spillage in the garage and I was told to clean it up. I saw that there were plenty of others who were sitting around either smoking or just talking - and I thought, shit, why me? Why do I have to clean it up and not the others? If we all did it together, then it would be done in like 10 minutes or less - but if I did it alone then I would have to spend a long time doing it. So I suggested that we clean it up together and people just shouted insults at me, telling me that I was just lazy, that I didn't work... I caved into pressure and cleaned that up on my own. And it's shit like that, everyday... a few times a day. What could I do? It was everyone versus me.

Then one day, as I stayed back late to do some stupid task that no one else wanted to do, I locked up the garage and returned the keys to the office, I stumbled upon my officer there. Let's call him Fries, because he likes to eat French Fries and was often spotted eating his favourite snack which was sold at the unit's canteen. He's Chinese, like me. I think he was on guard duty that night and so he asked me to sit down next to him and I thought, oh shit, what kind of trouble am I in now? His office had air-con, so it was just nice to get out of the heat for a while. He asked me how I was coping and I just said it was fine, I didn't think it was the time to complain, I didn't want to make a fuss. We then talked about some mundane stuff about work in the camp and before I knew it, he arm was on my shoulder and I felt very comfortable. He then asked me, "you okay?" I nodded and he proceeded to kiss me. It took me by surprise but then, after having had a whole day of people treating me like crap, it was nice to have someone want to kiss me, to be tender with me. We then proceeded to have sex and yeah, that was my first time. You never forget your first time.

Yes there are gays in the military - get over it.

Limpeh: Did you know that you're gay before that encounter?

Andrew: I suppose I did at the back of my mind, but just because you know you're attracted to guys doesn't mean that you do go out and find someone to have sex with. Loads of Singaporean guys are virgins at the age of 18 or 19 when they go to NS because they just haven't had sex yet - I don't think my situation was that uncommon.

Limpeh: What about Fries - is he gay?

Andrew: That's the thing - he is married with children, he has two daughters and keeps photos of his wife and children on his table at work. Everyone knows him as this married man, this family man and once in a while, his wife even joins him at the events at the unit. Hence it took me by surprise - but you know, he wasn't bad looking for a man his age and I was incredibly lonely at that point in time. I remember how good it felt to have someone hugging me, holding me, asking me if I was okay. I needed that. I wasn't getting any emotional support from anywhere else, he was the only person who could see what I was going through and cared enough to bother doing something about it.

Limpeh: So you lost your virginity to him?

Andrew: Yes I did. And no regrets. It was never something I expected of course, but such is life. I had always thought that I would have had the chance to explore my sexuality with a bit more freedom when I went to university and did not expect this during NS. Fries and I had nothing in common - he was older, Chinese-speaking and a regular in the SAF. I had always thought that I would have ended up with someone who was a lot more similar to myself, but when the opportunity presented itself, I just thought, why not? It didn't feel wrong, it felt good. After we had sex, we just lay there for a while, he was holding me in his arms and we were both exhausted. He then told me if anyone tried to bully me in the unit, that I should tell him. I said no, I was not being bullied and he said, "you think I'm stupid or blind? I see you kena bully all the time. Just be honest with me lah, if you don't speak up then how can I even begin to try to help you?"

Limpeh: Did you ever think about declaring that you were gay officially, aka 'declaring 302'?

Andrew: No. I was a virgin when I enlisted - I didn't think anything about my sexuality, it wasn't an issue for me back in JC as I was a geek obsessed with my studying and hobbies. It was not like I was sexually active, quite the opposite. So the whole gay thing was never ever an issue for me, it was at the back of my mind but it was just easier not to have to think about it. I don't think my experience was that unique - I was only 18, after all.

Limpeh: So did this become a regular thing?

Andrew: Yes. It was a strange kind of relationship.- normally in front of everyone, I would make sure I treated him with respect, he was cold and indifferent towards me but when people tried to bully me, he would step in and did just enough to make sure that the others knew not to cross the line. He kept me close to him, it started when he said he needed more help in the office with paperwork for a few days - that turned into a few weeks, then a few months and before I knew it, I was permanently sitting in his office and life improved substantially. I felt protected, I wasn't worried about being bullied anymore. Life got easier for me in camp. And I was getting laid regularly, which was a bonus... It was a distraction from the daily grind in the unit which was boring as anything.

Limpeh: So when did you guys have sex?

Andrew: Usually after work, when no one else was around and he would lock his office and we would do it there. No one else knew - clearly he was married with kids. I'm not the kind of flamboyant, loud gay anyway. I don't ever think they realized that I was having sex with Fries. They just thought that Fries found it useful to have a secretary handling his paperwork and to be fair, there was a lot of paperwork to keep me very busy and I was good at the admin stuff - I worked hard. So by that token, yes I was pulling my weight in the camp and people could see that I was staying later than them to finish my work. Well, I was staying back to wait for everyone to go so I could have sex with Fries.

Andrew is grateful to Fries - is he right or wrong to feel that way?

Limpeh: Was there any romance between you and Fries?

Andrew: No. It was strange. It was not like I ever saw Fries outside the camp. We didn't ever say, "hey let's go do something fun together this weekend", he was married after all, he had to go home to spend time with his wife and kids. I did my own thing on the weekends, I would go down to Orchard Road, eat at nice places, go shopping, see old friends from my JC - I didn't need Fries on the weekends. He clearly liked sex with men, he's gay... or bisexual at least and I don't know if he had much sex with his wife anymore. I once asked a question about his daughters and he warned me sternly that I was not to ask questions like that. I just said, "Yes sir." It was clear who was in charge - he was of superior rank after all, I was under his protection, I needed him more than he needed me. The fact that I enjoyed the sex with him was a bonus - I wonder if I would have done the same if he had been old, fat and ugly: would I have been able to do the same thing, just to get a better time in NS?  Probably not. I liked him, it a strange way, but yes I liked him. And he liked me very much too, we had some good times together.

Limpeh: And did he like you too, in the same way?

Andrew: Yes... Yes, I think so. He could have had other guys in the camp who were gay, but he picked me.

Limpeh: Do you think he had abused his position of authority? Did Fries do anything wrong?

Andrew: No, I consented to it all. He never ever forced himself on me, I totally allowed him to do what he wanted and in return, he took care of me in camp. So no, I don't think he did anything wrong at all. He was a good man, really.

Somehow, Fries and Andrew were a good match at the time.

Limpeh: Don't you think that the system should have protected you from the bullying, that Fries as your officer should have protected you from day one, before he started having sex with you? Don't you think that it was wrong that he only started protecting you after your sexual relationship began?

Andrew: That's the thing about NS - I didn't ask too many questions. I just went from day to day, hoping for the best, expecting the worst and of course, the answer to your question is that in an ideal world, Fries should have stepped in to protect me as my commanding office from day one - but he didn't. But also, I didn't ask for help. Part of me realized that I wasn't in primary school anymore and I couldn't run to Fries the same way a primary one kid would run to his teacher for help. Another part of me was just cynical about him being willing and able to help me if I had asked for help. Besides, I wasn't the only one who was getting bullied - there were others as well and Fries did nothing to help them. There were two Indian guys who were suffering so much racism from the Chinese guys and Fries just totally ignored the situation. I think there was the expectation in NS for us to learn to get along with each other.

Limpeh: And do you feel that you did learn how to get along with others better? I certainly did. Did you?

Andrew: I suppose I did. I had grossly underestimated how difficult NS was going to be and I think many guys make the same mistake: they are fresh out of JC and they are going into a totally different kind of environment where they are expected to function as adults. You either have to learn very quickly, grow up very quickly or you can end up totally miserable and suffer a lot. I was unprepared, I was blur, naive, ignorant. It is a sink or swim situation - I would have drowned but Fries pulled me out of the water and saved me. You know... I am grateful to him. Very grateful indeed.

Limpeh: Did anyone else know about your relationship with Fries back then?

Andrew: Yes I did - but in Australia where I studied. You're not going to believe this - I told my parents too.

Limpeh: Really!

Andrew: Yeah my mother is this PAP-voting loyal PAP supporter and after I had ORDed, I felt I needed to get it off my chest as I couldn't tell anyone in camp what was going on because it would be a betrayal to Fries. But my parents, that's a different story. I was coming out to my parents and I just felt like getting everything off my chest. There was a part of me that wanted to show my mother just how broken the system is: she had this impression that NS was good or you, that it was the greatest gift from the benevolent PAP to nurture and educate our Singaporean men and that everything that gone on in NS was perfect. I just had to say, "oh mum, I was the officer's lover and had sex with him everyday, that's how I got through NS. That's what goes on during NS."

Limpeh: How did she react?

Andrew: She was unable to find the words to talk about it. I remember she cried a lot. I don't know what she was crying for - whether she was upset about what happened to me or if I had attempted to shatter her image of how perfect the Singapore government was. My point was, "if this can happen to your son, think about what can happen to other Singaporeans and you have the PAP to thank for the broken system". But unfortunately, her only response was just crying - we never actually talked about it. I talked, she listened and then ran away crying without saying anything. Up till this day, she has never spoken a word about it. It has been so many years, so I'm not going to bring it up again.

Was it right for Andrew to tell his parents about this?

Limpeh: Was it fair to do this to her? After all, my mother isn't particularly well educated and she's kinda simple - like a child and I just don't even try to engage her on some issues knowing full well that she's not able to process the information like an adult. Crying was her way of showing you that she cared, but she just didn't know what to do?

Andrew: No. I don't think she was that stupid. I wouldn't have done so if I didn't think she could handle it.

Limpeh: Were you not worried that she would run to the authorities, threatening to report what happen to them? I can count the number of ways Fries could have gotten into a lot of trouble...

Andrew: No my parents won't do that. I think it is an Asian thing - they do not want to bring shame to the family by telling anyone about this. I have told others when I was studying in Australia but that's Australia, they are like, oh cool, older man, sexy military officer, nice - I bet he looks hot in his uniform! Like there was no shock on their part at all, they just saw it as just totally acceptable. And maybe it should be. Where I am working now, there is a woman who slept her way to the top and that's just the way of the modern world. There is a huge gulf between the world I grew up in and the way my parents envision it to be - perhaps that's just the generation gap. Perhaps that's just my parents being too Singaporean, but really, what can I do? Well, I have learnt to accept the things in life that I just cannot change.

Studying in Australia gave Andrtew a new perspective.

Limpeh: Did you keep in touch with Fries? Did you see him after your ORD?

Andrew: No. Let's get real here. We never ever met outside the camp. It was just sex. Once in a while he would buy me a packet of his favourite French Fries if he was having some and there were a few times when he gave me a lift to the nearest bus stop when we left camp - but that was it. I never addressed him by his first name, it was always 'Sir' and I think he knew surprisingly little about me and vice versa. We were lovers, sure - but were we friends? I don't think so. On my ORD day, he was fairly sanguine about it all. He was like, "have fun at university, good luck! Remember to come back and visit us some time!" But of course, I never went back to see him ever again.

Limpeh: Did you ever miss him or think about him?

Andrew: Not really. I am grateful, I think he threw me a lifeline when I needed it the most. I was depressed, isolated, very lonely and he gave me the compassion, understanding and companionship that I so desperately needed then. The experience gave me the confidence to go on and date other guys and start feeling a lot more confident about my sexuality. He was always kind to me, he took care of me in a way that no one else had done before - he showed me what it was like to be in a relationship, of sorts...

Limpeh: Did the fact that he was married bother you? What about his wife, do you know anything about her?

Do you want some fries with that?

Andrew: No, it didn't bother him, why should it bother me? You'll be amazed how many seemingly happily married men have affairs. He didn't want to talk about it and I supposed if they were really that happy, he wouldn't be looking for a lover outside his marriage. I did wonder why he got married and had kids if he was clearly attracted to men. But that is his problem, not mine. I clearly was able to offer him something he couldn't get from his wife. I don't know anything about her, so I can't really comment on what kind of person she was. I think Fries would have probably taken another gay lover the moment the opportunity presented itself - especially given how it is so much easier to find gay sex online these days with all these dating sites and apps, so I have no doubt that Fries is still looking for men today.

Limpeh: Finally Andrew, why do you want to share your story today?

Andrew: I guess it is because it was so long ago and so few people actually knew of the story. My parents have managed to forget that I have ever told them - well, they have blocked it out of their memories. My friends in Australia treated it like some erotic fantasy involving hot gays in uniform and I was very careful whom I told in Singapore as I wanted to protected the identity of Fries. So much time has passed and I didn't want to forget what had happened - I feel like if I didn't tell the story, then even I would forget about it and I don't want to. I guess there's a part of me that wanted to share the story to immortalize it in some way, to make a record of it as there had been none before. Maybe some people will be interested, maybe they won't at all but I just wanted to get it off my chest for one final time.

What do you think of Andrew's story?

Limpeh: Andrew, thank you very much for sharing your experiences with me.

Andrew: Thanks.

*Some details, dates and names have been changed to protect the identity of Fries and Andrew. Our intention has always been to share the story without revealing the identity of those involved. Many thanks for reading.