Friends, haters, strangers and social media

Hi! Allow me to share with you what happened over the last few days, as you well know, I had been blogging about the IKEA anti-gay controversy in Singapore and a friend of mine (let's call him Vince - not his real name) in Singapore decided to write a piece about it after he has received some really vile homophobic attacks on Facebook in response to a comment he had made there. He submitted an initial draft to me: it was essentially a "name & shame" piece, with these Singaporeans on Facebook making personal attacks in a most homophobic manner. It was hardly an anonymous attack since I could access the Facebook profiles of these people and see where they work, where they had studied, where they had their last meal and even photos of their families etc. It was not just them making statements in bad taste - it was hateful, there were threats of physical violence and it was openly homophobic.

Why do we engage with haters on social media?

Vince had submitted that piece to me last Friday and so I told him to sleep on the piece before I publish it on my website. I had a rather busy Saturday and didn't hear from him but as I logged onto Facebook on Sunday, he told me that he had reconsidered his stance and had asked me not to publish the piece after all. We had a talk about it and I would like to share some of my thoughts on the issue. Firstly, we both agreed that little could have been achieved by publishing that piece - after all, naming & shaming only works if you can actually make the other party feel ashamed of their actions. These people who made the homophobic comments are not at all ashamed of being homophobic - in fact, they would gladly shout it from the rooftops if given half a chance and hence allowing them any publicity via my blog (which incidentally is ranked the 14th most read blog in Singapore) would play right into their hands. Whilst I respect their right to hold an opinion about the issue, I sure as hell do not want to give them a platform to air it via my blog. Their comments have been seen by at best a few hundred people who have been scrolling through the thousands of comments on the IKEA Singapore Facebook page - really, I would prefer to keep it that way, rather than broadcast it to many more thousands via my blog. Urgh. No thank you.

Secondly, I think it is very important for us to pick our battles in life. I call this the path of least resistance, but sometimes it is really no more than just plain old common sense. What can be achieved by trying to argue with strangers on social media? Do we actually feel better when we get involved in an argument on Facebook or Twitter? Or does it just suck us into a negative downward spiral, when you are constantly antagonized by the other party and in return you give as good as you get? What good could come out this kind of interaction which we have very little control over the outcome? Wouldn't our time and energy be better spent communicating with our friends and family whom we actually have a real relationship with, rather than trying to start a debate with strangers we would probably never ever meet in real life? Such is the difference between making a comment of a friend's status update on Facebook and wading into a heated argument on IKEA Singapore's Facebook page: there is a huge difference between the two.

What kind of social interaction are you seeking?

Let me give you an example: as I scrolled through my Facebook feed today, I noticed that my friend Julia is going for surgery soon. I know that she is a ballet dancer but had no idea that she needed a surgery for her hip - I hadn't realized that she was even injured. I chose to talk to Julia about her forthcoming surgery: I messaged her to find out what the surgery was, why she needed it and how she was feeling. I could have easily waded into any argument on a Facebook group for The Online Citizen or The Real Singapore - but it was far more meaningful interacting with someone I know and care for like Julia, rather than try to engage a bunch of total strangers. 

Here's the thing about the modern social media experience, most of us are satisfied with being mostly quite passive consumers but let's take something that used to be very passive for example and examine how it has changed: watching a TV programme. Many programmes encourage you to tweet along with the programme as you watch it, so if you don't like something or if you found something amusing, you're suppose to let the world know via Twitter. I don't get it - who cares if someone else found this scene upsetting or funny? I'm interested in the programme, not the reaction of other viewers. But this urge to tweet along to your favourite TV programmes reveals something about some people: they have an urge to be heard, they want to shout their opinions from the roof tops if they can. Some people do take this urge to be heard a bit too far: Amos Yee is the classic example of a teenager's lust to be a Youtube sensation went wrong in a big way. But it is really quite difficult to get your voice heard in social media today.

Amos Yee took things too far on Youtube.

If you're quite content being a passive consumer on social media, then fair enough. But oh my, some people who are desperate to have their voices heard on social media do go out of their way to provoke a reaction and get into a fight just so that somebody will actually listen to what they have to say on an issue. That is really sad - it reminds me of a character in a book I read years ago: Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison. In that book, Ruth Foster-Dead is pretty much ignored by her husband and she would go out of her way to provoke a reaction from him, even if it resulted in a brutal beating because being beaten up by her husband was somehow less painful than being practically invisible to him. She was more than just your average battered wife - she was a woman who knew no other way to seek attention, to get whatever little human interaction she could with those around her. Sadly, she wasn't equipped with the social skills to engage her husband in any other way and she was a sad, lonely figure.

I see a lot of Ruth Foster-Deads on social media - I do wonder about these people, don't they have people in their lives who will appreciate their care and attention? Don't they have a friend to encourage or support - the way I reached out to my friend Julia who is about to have hip surgery? I must admit that it can be tempting to react when we see something we disagree with on social media, but it is necessary to take a moment and consider what you are trying to achieve by entering into such an argument in the first place. Do you even know whom you are arguing with? If not, then what is the point of the argument then, even if you do manage to win that argument? What could you gain?

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a good discussion with someone who may not hold the same opinions as I do. Heck, my whole blog was launched off the back of an argument I had with a Singaporean on Facebook. I have enough faith in my convictions to have them challenged and am open minded enough to entertain the possibility that other opinions may be equally valid - but such a fruitful exchange of ideas can only take place when both parties are willing and able to behave in a civil manner. I am proud of the fact that we manage to achieve this most of the time on my blog, when my regular readers have an exchange of opinions in the comments section either with me or with each other. Thus I prefer to blog here, rather than risk engaging strangers who are really just looking for a fight on the internet.

So yes, I think it is sad that my friend Vince encountered such a negative reaction on the IKEA Singapore Facebook page - perhaps quite naively, he thought he was in a position to inform and engage people, maybe even educate some of them. But here's the thing: you can bring a horse to water but you can't make it drink. Likewise, you can't inform or educate anyone unless they're prepared to listen to you and trust you - perhaps that's where my friend had gone wrong. We tend to trust people we like and respect, whilst we maintain a guarded, cautious attitude to people we don't know on the internet. I have known Vince for many years now and am prepared to listen to him when he has something to say, but those Singaporeans on the IKEA Singapore Facebook page were clearly unprepared and unwilling to give him that same level of respect. Were they being close minded in refusing to listen to what Vince had to say or was Vince simply barking up the wrong tree? Where can we draw the line to achieve the right balance then?

So, that's it from me for now. What do you think about the issue? Would you bother with engaging strangers on social media or do you think that it is actually fairly pointless? Or am I just too pessimistic? Many thanks for reading.