Answering three short questions on leaving Singapore

Hello again everyone. Here are some statistics to give you some idea of how long I have been blogging: I have had 6.52 million pageviews on my blog, I have published a total of 955 posts to date and these have attracted an astonishing 9564 comments. This means an average of just over ten comments per post. Of course, this is not uniformly spread out - some posts have very little views and no comments, whilst others have attracted thousands of views and many comments. There was one comment however that left me reeling when I read it: it was from a young woman who opened up to me about the sexual abuse she suffered as a child at the hands of her very own family members. I have spent much of the last few days thinking about her. I can't quite describe it. It is rare that such a comment has such an impact on me - given the volume of comments I get, I don't even respond to all of them. Today, I would like to respond to just one small section of her comment which I have cut and pasted below:

Now, I am perhaps in a very similar position as you did years ago -- I am going to graduate school overseas. And I will most probably not come back (family is only one of the reasons). I will always hear comments like "What about your parents?", "Family is always the most important.", "Singapore will be the only place you can call home.", etc, etc. I think this world is more complicated than what they think.

Why are some people so scared about leaving Singapore?

She is clearly facing a very confusing situation, so allow me to offer my response to some of those comments she has heard. There are just three comments, so let's deal with them one at a time.

"What about your parents?"

Let's start here, with her parents. I think it depends on the situation - if your parents require constant care and are unable to function without your help, then yes. I can see some kind of obligation for the children to step in and care for their parents, especially if the state is not going to step in and care for the elderly parents. However, I think it is a fallacy to think that somehow our parents need taking care of. My parents are now in their 70s and they are extremely busy taking care of my nephew (who is autistic). Certainly, nobody is 'taking care' of my parents, quite the opposite. They are taking care of their grandson: they pick him up after school, cook for him, study with him, play with him. And when my sister comes home from work, my sister eats the dinner that my parents have prepared for her. I think that my parents are actually pretty typical of retired Singaporeans these days - they are active and independent, they don't need someone to 'take care of them'. Well, perhaps one day their health will fail and they need more care, but that doesn't seem to be in the near future.

But what about emotionally - would your parents miss you? Again, that is not an easy question. I don't think my parents missed me when I left Singapore. I was quite shocked in 2013 when I overheard a conversation between my mother and a relative. The relative asked what I was doing in England, my mother's answer was so wide of the mark I was shocked - like seriously. My mother has no idea what the hell I do for a living. I do tell her but does she listen? No, she isn't the least bit interested. It is in one ear and out the other. She couldn't give a damn what I did for a living - whether I become a doctor or a porn star is of no consequence to her. We were never really close to begin with anyway, so how can you miss someone you're not even close to? I didn't miss her when I moved away for the same reason. You can only miss someone you really love, who means so much to you, whom you are very dear to.

My mother has no idea what I do for a living despite the fact that I've told her many times.

I've seen so many people live under the same roof with their parents, but how many of them are actually that close to their parents? To give you an example, I know this guy "Mr Goh" who lives in Singapore with his parents. Goh is gay and is in the closet - he said his conservative parents would freak out if they ever found out so he doesn't ever want to tell them. I do wonder how close Goh can be with his parents if he keeps secrets like that from his own parents - he doesn't trust them enough to be honest with them. Just because you live in the same house doesn't mean you have a good relationship - so perhaps you need to be quite honest when it comes to evaluating whether or not your parents will actually miss you. This has to be treated on a case-by-case basis.

When my late grandmothers became so old and frail that they needed help with daily chores and couldn't cook their own meals: did my parents quit their jobs to become full time carers? No, because it was simply not practical. If my parents rendered themselves unemployed to care for their parents, then who was going to pay the bills? Instead, my parents simply contributed financially to have a carer take care of their elderly parents because there was simply no other alternative. Quitting their jobs was simply not a practical option. So even if my parents became so frail they needed a carer - should I render myself unemployed and become their carer? Who would be paying my bills then - would the state pay me to become my parents' carers? What if frail and elderly parents needed medical treatment - would an unemployed child (with no source of income) be able to help pay for those medical bills? Clearly, it is a complete red herring to claim that children can actually "take care of their parents", get real. Okay, if there are medical bills, then the children can pay for those - but to expect the children to render themselves unemployed just to become full time carers? Do you know of anyone who has actually done that? If so, then please do let me know.

Let's get real about the issue of money.

"Family is always the most important."

Again, I think this is not true - you decide for yourself what is most important to you. If you decide that your family is most important to you, then you make the effort to put them in the center of your life: you spend your free time with your family members and you make sacrifices for them. I have a former colleague Sylvie who had twins - that was somewhat unexpected but she decided to put her family first, so she left her very lucrative job in finance and worked part time from home, so she could dedicate her time to her children. It was her choice to make and she chose family. Then I have another friend, let's call her CP. She had a lovely boyfriend who wanted to marry her and start a family. CP said no, I am still young and I am not ready to become a mother, I have a good career and want to put my career first. That became a bone of contention and eventually CP broke up with her boyfriend - I chatted with CP's ex-boyfriend on Facebook recently and found out that he got married last year and his wife is already pregnant. He's a really nice guy (apart from the fact that he smokes!) but CP chose to put her career fist - again, that's her choice to put her career first. It's her choice to choose what is right for her.

Who is to say what is more important to you? Nobody can dictate to you what you should do or what ought to be most important to you. Some people may think that Sylvie was mad to give up a successful career, other may think that CP was mad to break up with her ex-boyfriend when he was such a good man. Either way, both women did what was right for them, they chose what would make them most happy. It is a personal decision - so I think it is utter bullshit for anyone to try to make that decision for you and try to tell you what should be most important in your life. I've spent time in professional sports and have seen how some professional athletes simply eat, sleep and train, doing very little else in that pursuit of Olympic glory. They have put off everything from education to marriage just to focus on their Olympic dreams - is that right or wrong? Who are we to judge what should be most important to them?

Lim Heem Wei - Singapore's Olympic gymnast

Furthermore, I think it is silly to talk about 'family' without considering the fact that these are real people we are talking about here. Some people have nice family members who have always been there for them. Others have suffer hideous abuse at the ends of their family members. By all means, cherish and love those family members who have been good to you - but why should anyone be made to feel obliged to maintain any kind of relationship with family members who have been really nasty to them? Let's get real here. If a family member has been really nasty to you, then shouldn't the logical reaction be simply, "with family like that, who needs enemies?" I say, there's absolutely no obligation on your part to put up with abuse from anyone, especially family members. Hate them, ignore them, forget them - do whatever you want but please don't feel obliged to even like them.

"Singapore will be the only place you can call home."

Again, this has got to be treated on a case-by-case basis. To be able to establish yourself in a country, you need to have a good job, you need a good network for both personal friends and professional contacts, this will enable you to lead a fulfilling life. Achieve all that and you will flourish, be successful and happy. Now my mother is not exactly very well educated and traveling outside Singapore frightens her, especially if you are taking her out of her comfort zone. She finds foreign holidays stressful and would rather just stay at home and relax during public holidays. Singapore will be the only place she can call home because she would not be able to cope at all in another country. She would not be able to adapt to a different culture or learn a new language to a high enough standard. So for her, it is indeed true that Singapore will be the only place she can call home because of her inability to thrive in another country. By that token, Singapore is the best country in the world for her - but that doesn't mean that Singapore is the best country in the world for everyone else, just her. Can you now see why we have to treat this issue on a case-by-case basis?

Can you master a foreign language?

I am the complete opposite of my mother. I enjoy traveling very much and am heading to Romania this week, I speak several languages and have worked in many countries across Europe, Middle East and Asia. I have worked with people from all over the world and have even thrived in non-English speaking work environments. By that token, I have found myself very much at home in a number of places, given the way I have been able to overcome language barriers, find work and make friends in those places. Yes I was born and raised in Singapore, but my talents have allowed me to thrive in so many different countries far away from Singapore - and that is why I am able to feel at home in so many different places far away from Singapore. By that token, I have far more options than my mother as to where I wish to call home and I have taken advantage of some of those better options.

I do suspect that the people (like my mother) who say things like "Singapore will be the only place you can call home" think like that because that statement certainly applies to them. I remember once my mother commenting that I would be at a disadvantage studying at a French university because I would be competing against French students who speak French as a first language. And my reaction was like, "so...? I shall just have to work harder to overcome the language barrier, then I will also improve my French in the process." I was not afraid of the challenge that I faced, my mother was - I had faith in my abilities, my mother didn't. At the end of the day, you have to decide for yourself: can you thrive in another country where you are faced with a different culture, where you have to reestablish yourself and overcome many challenges? Some people can do it, others simply can't. Once again, case by case basis.

Different people respond to challenges differently.

Don't get me wrong. I think it's great that some Singaporeans feel a sense of loyalty and belonging in the country where they live. If you're happy, I say - good for you. I just disagree with the notion that Singapore must be the only place on earth where you can possibly call home - that's misleading. You can make anywhere on earth your home as long as you can make friends where you go - now that's up to your ability to make friends and adapt to new environments. Some people are great at making friends, others are not. And guess what? If you're crap at making friends, then you're not going to have many friends even if you have spent your entire life in Singapore. Heck, I remember this weirdo in my VJC days - let's call him "Mr Book". He had no friends and kept to himself, he covered that up by always reading when he was on his own. When he went into the army, he did exactly the same thing, bury his head in a book - that was his way of dealing with the fact that he had no friends. He was nicknamed "Mr Book" or "Bookworm" because he always had a book on him to bury his face in. He may claim to call Singapore his home, but without any friends, what kind of home is it for him anyway?

That's it from me on this issue. I hope I have given you some food for thought. I'm off to Romania now for a week and I will have Wifi there of course, but will be busy playing tourist, thus I won't not blogging. Many thanks for reading!

Life in Europe has been very good to me.