I have friends I barely know congratulate me on Facebook because they can see how much it means to me, I have had readers I have never met congratulate me as well on my blog - but I know my parents cannot bring themselves to say anything nice to me. I won 3 scholarships as a student and did they ever say anything nice to me? Never. It's like they would rather cut off their tongues than to say anything nice to me. It's just a habit of a lifetime - since I was a child, they made it a habit to withhold approval, as if it was poison and the worst thing a parent could offer a child. It's not like I am being unreasonable, all I want them to do (in the words of Missy from Dr Who) is to "say something nice".
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| I am feeling very stressed and conflicted right now. |
And here's the twisted irony: I have an autistic nephew whom my parents are totally obsessed with and they would praise him for having a shit or eating his meals. They are so over the top with their praise with him that it is ludicrous and it takes away any kind of real value to the way they just heap praises on anything and everything he does, right or wrong. I suspect that they want to make up for the mistakes they have made with their own kids by making amends with their grandson - but I wonder why they cannot start by at least trying to say something nice to me once in a while. They do it all the time with their grandson, so why do they hate me so much?
I know I can put off talking to my parents this weekend (as I did last weekend) but I cannot avoid them forever. I came clean to my sister and told her that I really cannot bring myself to deal with my parents' right now and I am not in the mood to smile and be nice and pretend that everything is okay when whom am I kidding? I don't have any kind of relationship with my parents to speak of today, they can't bring themselves to be interested in me and I can't be asked to deal with the disappointment of the situation. I have just had an old friend in Zurich, Switzerland (whom I've not actually seen in ages) email me this afternoon asking me if I wanna skype him to run through the German lines with him and he will help me with my German pronunciation. So my friends care far more about me than my parents.
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| Working in a German speaking environment is stressful |
Currently, I am quite stressed out by the whole situation as I had spent the last 8 days memorizing my script and just when I finally nailed all my lines perfectly in German, they rewrote my scenes, made them longer (yay more air time) and now I have to learn a whole new set of lines. I'm sure you can appreciate just how stressful and frustrating this situation is - and I was warned that they cannot guarantee that there wouldn't be more changes on the way. My German isn't fluent and I really want to give them a really good impression - so I am putting a lot of pressure on myself to perform very well on this job. That's why I am feeling so stressed right now.
So dear readers. What do I do regarding my parents? Do I just avoid telling them altogether? Am I being unreasonable to expect my parents to at least feel somewhat happy for me going to work in Germany? Or is the situation just so screwed up that I should just walk away and cut my losses? Please help. I value your advice. Vielen dank.
Darling boy, I suspect you still want your parents' approval. Listen well: you are not going to get it. Perhaps one day because I believe anything is possible. Now? I highly doubt it. You have enough on your plate. Focus on perfecting your German. I want to read all about that unknown who wowed everyone with his performance. Later, when this is over, and should you be so inclined, you may mention it to your parents, "Hey, were you aware I was in a German film recently?" Only if you were so inclined. Later, though. When you are stronger to deal with more rejection from them. When you can say, "Oh? You are not interested? Ok, then. Your loss. Go play with your precious grandson. Bye!" Now, I sense that it will take little to tip you over. I know that feeling.
ReplyDeleteThanks again Di, I knew I could count on you.
DeleteI think at least most parents (Singaporean, Canadian, Chinese, British, German, from Earth) would at least show some interest if their child managed to get a big part in a well known German TV series but I fear my parents will be the 0.1% who will show zero interest. I will not speak to them this weekend and when next weekend rolls around, we'll see.
I have a feeling my sister (being the peace maker) may coax them into saying something nice but I can spot it from a mile away when it is not sincere. I'd rather they be honest and tell me to fuck off than for them to say something nice after being nearly forced by my sister to do so.
DeleteNow go eat more bon bons. Be smug and happy. Know that there are people around who care about you. Study hard. I expect good reviews! No pressure.
DeleteHi Limpeh,
ReplyDeleteYou just need to focus on the Germany job which can help towards your career.
As for your parents, (I know that it is hard) keep maintaining an open communication. One day it will open their heart. We ourselves need to change first. When we change, our environment also change. As long as your keep your communication with your parents open and be sincere about it. They will slowly change their perception towards you.
This will take some time but as long as you do not give up on them, they will change after seeing your sincerity
Kelvin, my parents are old and to put it bluntly, they are not going to around for long. Heck I am already 38, do you have any idea how old my parents are? Very old indeed. They're not going to change. They have been like this all these years, they never really took an interest in my life all these years - all I want them to do right now is to feel happy for me now that i have achieved something, but it seems it is easier for me to get a reader like Di Talasi or yourself to feel happy for me than to actually get my parents to do so. Di is right, I just have to accept the fact that my parents don't care about me and never will. I am only asking for trouble if I try to change their minds.
DeleteSorry, Kelvin, I know you meant well by writing, and thanks for that. I just don't share in your enthusiasm. My parents have given me no indication or reason to hope that things will change for the better. I like to base my enthusiasm on facts, not hope.
DeleteOk. From your article, i can said that you at least need to let your parents know of your progress. That is the priority.
DeleteWhether they will respond positively is secondary.
Thus will at least clear your mind of not telling them.
The silver lining is that you still keep an open communication with your sister. So you have some form of approval from the family not all.
Thanks again for writing Kelvin. I know that my sister would probably tell them at some stage lah. She probably has actually, we talk on FB. I have 2 sisters and yes they have both been extremely encouraging and positive about this.
DeleteIt's just I have a feeling if I told my parents, they would be just like "oh really? okay." Their reaction would be no different from if I told them I found a place for really good wantan mee or reasonably priced cake or something like that. The fact is Kelvin, this was a really really big deal for me. I was with an old classmate (he was visiting London, I took him sightseeing) from Singapore when I found out and we were in Covent Garden when I got the good news - I started jumping up and down and squealing, I couldn't even get the words out and I had to pass him my phone to show him the email and he then took a photo of me jumping up and down with joy. He understood just how much it meant to me and he could see it (hey I should share that photo, though I look ridiculous in it). Did I even add that it is well paid work? But it's not even the money, for me it is beating all the other actors who auditioned for the part to secure the role and that is more the satisfaction of winning the competition.
I guess I just want my parents to feel happy for me at this stage - that's all. I just want them to understand that hey, this is a big deal and feel happy for me and I know I will feel disappointed if they don't even understand if it is a big deal and I don't want to place the responsibility on my sister to explain it to them because I know that even if she tried, they may not get it (they're not that smart I'm afraid) and I don't wanna turn around to my sister and say, "hey I thought you said you explained it to pa and ma already, why they still so blur blur liddat when I tell them?" No - I want to keep my good relationship with my sister.
You care about them. If you didn't, you wouldn't bother writing. And I suspect they care for you too, but will never show it in the way that you want.
ReplyDeleteTo quote the Stones, you can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you might just find you get what you need.
Tell them anyway. Maybe it gets through? Probably it doesn't. But you've tried. And I think that's what you need.
I guess you're right - if their approval didn't matter to me, I wouldn't be this upset. It's like my neighbour doesn't know about me going to Germany, but then again I'm not close to him and his approval doesn't matter to me. Mind you, if I did tell him, then he would probably be more capable of saying the right things to me than my parents. I guess I will leave the last word to my sister: let me cut and paste what she has said to me via FB.
DeleteHi I totally understand how you feel. But you see, pa and mum don't have that much understanding of the work that you do. I do appreciate how hard it is to get the German job in the very competitive market for talent but not everyone has the same understanding. So I think if you have a lot on your plate now, you should focus on preparing for your German role? Last thing you want is to have added stress. You take care dear. Jia you ok?
Yep. I think your sister is right - you don't need extra stress.
DeleteBut I think, if you can, just tell them with no expectations. Drop it on the table, so to speak.
I can tell you want approval/affirmation. It's natural. But sometimes you just won't get it.
I think, having been in a similar boat once or twice, just the telling helps. Don't expect appreciation cause you likely won't get it. But do it for yourself, because you know at least you tried.
Oh, and good luck.
Thanks Kaishun. My sister said that she will tell them on my behalf and she will explain to them that it means a lot to me, so they will at least appreciate that fact. I feel bad dragging my sister into all of this as she has been super nice and supportive and it seems unfair to heap this burden on her. Cos I know my parents are not the easiest people to deal with given how unreasonable they are and they can never ever picture themselves doing anything wrong. I have promised myself that even if things go wrong, I would never blame my sister because I couldn't do a better job myself in talking sense into my parents. Thanks.
DeleteCan I add just one little afterthought please? If I may share my thoughts:
ReplyDelete1. I guess there's a part of me that wants to celebrate in a world of uncertainty. To hell with modesty and humility, I landed a nice role on German TV, I am a big enough shot for them to fly out to Germany, put up in a nice hotel whilst we do this shoot later in December. There's a part of me that doesn't know when I will get another big part like that. The last time I got a big part was when I worked with Mr Bean this spring and I had to wait half a year to get another significant role: what happened in the 6 months in between? I did other kinds of work, I traveled a lot, I enjoyed life and yes I did a little acting here and there but really nothing significant like this job in Germany. I know acting is always going to be something I dip in and out of - I am realistic enough to know that 2 big jobs a year is pretty darn good already, so whilst I have some success, I want to celebrate. And at the very least, my friends have been nice to me, they have been encouraging and supportive as they realize that I want to have my 15 minutes of dancing for joy, feeling like I am an important big shot actor who gets flown abroad for shoots and treated like a VIP. It doesn't happen that often hence when it does, I want to celebrate it and it just feels a bit of a let down when my parents are not able to feel happy for me or appreciate how much it means to me. I'm not asking for much, I'm just asking for them to feel happy for me. I don't think I have particularly great self-esteem and so when I do have something worth celebrating about, at least do me the courtesy of feeling happy for me please. Is that too much to ask of one's parents? I don't know.
2. I concede that it is my vanity at play here - so when I do have done something significant, I expect my friends and family to react positively. I did tell every single German-speaking friend I knew and one guy (an ex-colleague from years ago) just didn't respond to my Facebook message of "hey I am gonna be on German TV!" - I guess why should he? I have not spoken to him in years, yeah we used to work together years ago but why should he care if I am going to be on German TV (just because he is German?) - so I concede, yeah I had used this as an excuse to get the attention of my German friends and actually most of their reactions had been super positive like, "I used to watch that programme when I was a teenager etc" (oh and my German actor friends are super envious in fact given that this is a very well known and popular German TV show) - but that one guy just reminded me like maybe he just doesn't give a shit if I do get a part on German TV. Like so what, there are so many channels catering for the German speaking market in Europe and this is just one programme out of so many. Maybe my parents are just like this German ex-colleague of mine - people who choose not to give a damn as it doesn't involve or concern them whether I go to Germany to do this or not. And I suppose it is their right not to care. I am just being incredibly conceited to assume that they ought to care enough to respond positively.
Another message from my sister: I know this is an amazing achievement for you...I will try to explain to pa and mum that this is very very difficult to attain and tough to do. It's not that they don't care, just that they can't really fathom it and you are right, they probably have no idea of the casting process. But I can just imagine the challenges of doing this in German. I think if it's me, I won't be able to manage it at all. But you are doing an extremely good job already. So do continue what you do and practise hard...it is worth it as it's a big opportunity, and will help open doors for you in the German market. So when are you going to Germany?
ReplyDeleteMy dear, do yourself a favor. Do not reply on your parents to celebrate your successes and joys. First of all, I seriously doubt they understand the enormity of it all. If you became a Nobel prize candidate (never mind even winning it!) would they know the enormity of it? Perhaps. I don't know. This much I can surmise --- German TV is not something they would shout about at the rooftops. Perhaps your sister may be able to drill into them how big a deal it is, but even then, it would be hearsay. They themselves need to realise it for them to be openly and sincerely proud and not just go through the motions. Don't let them ruin this amazing achievement for you. Shut that door for now and lock it away. Focus on your work. When you are ready, find that lock and reopen it. See what you find then.
ReplyDeleteI know I know you are right. My sister said pretty much the same thing. She is excited for me, incredibly excited - there's a part of me that hopes that they can at least see that "hey, my daughter is excited for my son - something must be going on here."
DeleteI have a feeling for my parents, they are such uneducated simple beings they cannot understand anything complicated. Like if my nephew gets 100% for 听写 then okay, it's simple enough that they can understand, appreciate and celebrate it. But if I get through a tough cross-border auditioning process in another language for a production in another country - wooosh, it goes right over their head, they go into 我不明白 mode.
I know I have bitched about this before - but they did push me really hard for my studies as a young child; and the irony is that now that I am reaping the rewards of my education in my career, they are unable to appreciate any of it. To be fair, they have absolutely no idea what either of my sisters do for a living as well - it's all woosh right over their heads.
But thanks again Di. You are ever so sweet. Danke schon.
Hey, I hope I am not too late but congratulations! I am happy for you.
ReplyDeleteThank you! Danke! I am still bubbling with excitement!
DeleteI have the same problem as you. My SO wants me to call my Dad and check up on him so as to get closer. But after 10+ yrs of frosty relations I have no inclination to do so. I guess I could start by calling him on Xmas. Baby steps, what say you?
ReplyDeleteHmmm. The question for you my friend is this: does your dad want to get to know you all over again? This process has got to involve both sides, it cannot just fall entirely on your shoulders.
DeleteTrue. But you can only control your actions and not other people reactions so if I make the first move and he doesn't reciprocrate there is only so much I can do.
DeleteYou can be try I suppose. I think that when we make the decision to try, there is a part of you that hopes that it all works out. It wouldn't be rational to try anything that you think has zero chance of working out. I suppose for you, trying would mean putting yourself at risk of bitter disappointment when it doesn't work out - how bitter that disappointment is still at least within our control to some degree. But when it gets to the point where you think, there's zero chance of this working out - then you have to cut your losses. What do you think ?
DeleteWhy would your dad give a shit about ang mo shows when he is so apathetic towards anything non-Chinese. If you want him to recognise your talents, go act in Mediacorp's drama serials. After that if he still fails to recognise your talents, then you can give up on him for good.
ReplyDeleteAnd guess what? It's not even a show in English (which my dad could at least understand a little), it is in German which no one in my family can understand even a word of.
DeleteThe choice if then between:
1. doing something to gain my dad's approval and get him to recognize that his son is actually pretty darn talented
2. doing something to make me happy
And clearly, I am pursuing option 2 and not 1 because I've not gotten my dad's approval in the last 38 years, what makes me think I can do anything to earn it? Why bother with it? It then becomes a question of priority as to what I wanna do with my time and if I can't get my dad's approval, then I guess I just have to live with that.
OK I have just skyped my family first time in about a month (couldn't just put it off indefinitely) - and my sister was there almost like a PR agent who is determined not to let a clueless celebrity say the wrong words to a mob of reporters. She interrupted my parents the moment they tried to open their mouths and said all the right words, like, "what mum means to say is that of course she is proud of you and she is very happy for you etc". My mum just nodded - couldn't get a word in, my sister did the talking for her. I did sense that my mum tried to change the topic once (by asking a random question about my hair - huh? that's what she does when cornered and she feels awkward) and then when I referred to something she said last year she pretended she couldn't remember (and my sister said, "aiyah I was there lah, you did say that lah, even I remembered lah".
ReplyDeleteThe point is, yes I had my say and I supposed in a very Singaporean way, my sister censored my parents' responses and acted as their spokesperson so they couldn't have said the wrong thing as they couldn't get a word in. Maybe it is a sign that even she doesn't trust them to say the right words - maybe she has already spoken to them before and she realized that she had to do the talking rather than leave it to them.
I don't know, I got it off my chest and I'm none the wiser as to what my parents think. But I guess I shall have no other alternative but to leave it at that and move on. I have my sister to thank for being so diplomatic.