Let's put the whole FTOF fiasco in perspective

Hello everyone. So much has been said about the whole FTOF relationship programme fiasco after it was exposed to be a load of sexist and offensive cliches - I salute the student who protested to her principal after having been subjected to this stupid crap and certainly, many people have complained about how FTOF are simply incompetent and have terrible teaching material. By that token are highly unsuitable to perform this task. I could condemn them, criticize them and mock them in this post - but plenty of people have already done that on social media but just for the record, I think it is an utter disgrace and that heads must roll at the MOE for allowing them in front of our innocent students. To quote a very dear friend (and reader of my blog) on Facebook, here is his very well written open letter to the MOE:

"Why do you allow designated hate groups to teach sex ed courses in your schools? Focus on the Family was identified by the Southern Poverty Law Center to be a hate group for its emphasis on "conversion therapy" which has resulted in ruinous mental health for their "patients", defense of bullies in schools and as part of the World Families Congress, successfully pushed for the notorious "Kill the Gays" law in Uganda. Focus on the Family, along with the World Families Congress is also actively working on getting Nigeria and Russia to enact similar laws. What kind of message are you sending to our society? By allowing Focus on the Family to continue with their campaign of hate, barely veiled by the thin veneer of religiosity, you are tacitly approving the harmful ideology of bullying marginalized children in schools, pressuring children to reject themselves and encouraging children of all genders to accept gender stereotypes as fact. This is no better than to invite the Ku Klux Klan and the Aryan Nations (both similarly designated as hate groups by the Southern Poverty Law Center) to Singapore to offer free courses on race relations."

But in today's post, I want to reflect upon my experience as a student  during my teenage years and my reaction to people who tried to shape my 'morals'. I have always been very honest about the fact that I was an rebellious teenager who did not get along at all with my parents in those difficult years. I didn't always agree with my parents and wouldn't shy away from an argument with my parents - the fact was they could try all they want to influence my morals and values but I was always going to make up my own mind on what stance I was going to stake on these issues. Was this unusual?

Are you easily influenced by others? Can they change your opinion?

Did I have a problem with authority in general? Not really, I remember my teachers in secondary school and JC. There were some teachers that I really liked and some I really hated - I was not some dumb kid who blindly respected and obeyed all my teachers. You see, as my parents were teachers themselves (they've long since retired), I had an insight into the world of teachers and I knew that there were some good teachers and some awful ones. Oh there were a few teachers along the way I particularly despised and it was no secret that they were deeply unpopular amongst the students. The point I am making here is simple: students are not stupid, they will listen to the adults they like and respect. As for those they dislike, they may ignore you at best or protest against the imposition of your authority - that is exactly what this student Agatha Tan did. She protested at having been subjected to this bullshit and quite rightfully so.

Do not underestimate the challenges of communicating with teenagers: you cannot treat them like naive young children, you need to reach them at their wavelength and be able to win their respect if you wish to pass a message to them. This is not some maths or physics lesson - it is a far more sensitive subject. The way sex and relationship education has been carried out in Singapore is a fiasco at best - it treats teenagers like naive idiots who have never ever had any thoughts on the issue of sex or relationships. The second assumption they made was that these teenagers actually will be receptive to the message they are given - well Agatha Tan certainly proved that wrong! You are dealing with the internet generation here. Teenagers can be extremely resourceful especially when it comes to finding information online.

Do you know how to communicate with the internet generation?

The fact is many of them have probably seen plenty of hardcore porn on the internet and are pretty desensitized by it all.  Look we're not just talking about Hollywood movies where characters are enjoying casual sex here, we're talking about teenagers learning about sex from hardcore porn. These teenagers are not going to sit around, waiting for some adult to talk to them about sex - no they are going to go online and google it. There is just so much porn readily available online and it is all for free. Living in this environment changes their perception on sex and relationships, this is a far cry from the pre-internet days where porn was pretty hard to get hold of in Singapore. The current range of sex and relationship programmes offered by the MOE are woefully inadequate in the face of internet porn.

Will the powers at the MOE acknowledge the impact of the internet on the need for sex education in Singapore? Of course not, they have their heads buried so deeply in the sand that they would rather stick to a most conservative agenda and preach abstinence rather than acknowledge the fact that most of the teenage boys in their target group have already seen every genre of porn there is to be seen out there. You can preach all you want about conservative values in an Asian society - teenage boys are still going to find a way to learn about sex from porn online. It's called the internet, stupid. What do you think teenagers get up to on the internet? Do you think they're just checking the weather forecast?

I remember discussing this with a Singaporean woman some time ago - now bless her, she is a modern mum, she wants to talk to her teenage son about the birds and the bees and sex. But when I asked her how old her son is, she replied "16." And I was like, you know what, it doesn't matter what you say because you've left it too late, By now, he would have formed an opinion on matters pertaining to sex, sexuality and relationships - because you've not tried to help shape his opinion, he has been influenced by his peers and the media. You've missed the boat by quite a few years, in case you haven't noticed - your son probably hit puberty a few years ago and that was when the boat had set sail. But don't feel bad, even if you had tried do this conversation a few years ago, you may not be able to do much more than be an influence. It is a fallacy to imagine that parents can dictate to their children what their morals and values should be - hell no, it doesn't work like that. Children will form their own opinions as they grow up.

What we need to do is to take a step back and ask ourselves, "what is the best thing that we can do for our children?" Often, Singaporean parents get it woefully wrong. Their default answer is, "ban everything that will distract our kids from studying!" Despite taking that stance, they get paranoid about relationships but gladly allow their kids all manners of computer games which are potentially far more distracting.  Well if Singaporean parents are going to get this wrong, then at least allow the education system to plug that gap in a very pragmatic way to help inform and educate these students. This is what I propose we should offer our teenagers when it comes to educating them on these issues.

How can we improve sex education?

1. A holistic approach - self-esteem as opposed to relationships

I would like to recognize the importance of self-esteem and self-confidence for young people - you see, this deals with the root cause of bad behaviour and bad judgement amongst young people. I was reminded how important this is recently in Tunisia, when I witnessed young people train surfing - an extremely dangerous activity but these young teenagers seemed to have no regard for their personal safety, they didn't care if they got hurt or killed. A healthy self-esteem is vital for a young person - that sets the basis for all important decisions: if a young person knows that s/he has something to live for, has people who cares for him/her, has a future to look forward to, then s/he will make choices in his/her own best interest. This is something that is so vital, but so few people ever talk about openly.

Now I may have been a triple scholar and a former national champion gymnast - as a young person, I excelled both academically and in sports. Yet I suffered from extremely low self-esteem and I blame my parents for that - they were physically abusive and had a very misguided way to 'motivate' me. They thought that praising me was the most toxic thing you could do to your child, for it would lead to the child becoming conceited and overly confident, so they went out of their way to put me down and criticize me, despite the fact that I was actually doing much better than my peers in my studies and sports. I honestly cannot recall my parents ever praising me once as a child, never.

I think I was pretty typical of many Singaporean students - I based my self-esteem on academic and sports accomplishments. When I did well in my studies or sports, I felt really good about myself. When I didn't, I felt worthless and hated myself. In hindsight, I can only shake my head at just how foolish that was - to base your self-worth on whether you got an A or not for the test is possibly the most stupid thing I have done and for a supposedly well-educated person, I was incredibly stupid in that aspect but it was not at all obvious to me back then. We should teach young people to base their self-esteems on things like their friendships, their talents, their latent potential, the meaningful relationships they have nurtured with friends and loved ones rather than base it entirely on achievements in life.

I believe that self-esteem is very important.

Why the focus on self-esteem then? That is the basis for any kind of relationship - I have seen people who allow themselves to be treated very badly in a relationship because they don't believe they deserve to be treated any better. We're not just talking about a romantic relationship here, we're talking about amongst friends or even in the workplace. Without healthy self-esteem, you are potentially allowing others to treat you badly and only a person with healthy self-esteem will be able to stand up for himself/herself when that happens. There is a lot that we can do to move away from self-esteem based on achievements and help young people appreciate and respect themselves - no we will not be able to prepare them for anything and everything they may face in the big bad world out there, but I would feel a lot better if we sent them out there with a healthy dose of self-esteem, self-worth and self-respect.

2. The facts about sex without preaching

Now let's talk about sex - even amongst the adult population, you will get a huge range of sexual behaviour. There will be adults who have a very active sex life with many partners and on the other end of the scale, you will have adults who do not have a sex life at all - and there's everything in between the two extremes. Whether or not we become highly sexed adults doesn't depend on the kind of sex education we have had as teenagers/students, rather it is more a function of our character and personality. Let's take another aspect of our social behaviour: exercise. There will be some adults who exercise every day and are fitness fanatics and on the other end of the scale, you will have very fat and unhealthy adults who will avoid doing any kind of exercise ever - and there's everything in between the two extremes. Whether or not we become fitness fanatics doesn't depend on the quality of the PE lessons we have had as teenagers/students, rather it is more a function of our character and personality. So should this come as a surprise? I hardly think so.

Some adults are more interested in sex than others.

The fact is you can nag all you want at a teenager about either sex or exercise, in the long run, they are still going to make their own minds up on the issue. We are all unique individuals and we will all form our own opinions on such issues - these opinions may be to some degree influenced by people like our parents and teachers, but we may not necessarily agree with them or listen to them if we feel that they are plain wrong: such was the case of Agatha Tan. Certainly in my case, I was very selective in terms of whose advice I took and whose opinion I dismissed - I was acutely aware of whom I trusted, whom I respected and whom I dismissed as stupid fools. 

Did my parents try to influence my opinion on sex and exercise? Sure they did - they viewed both as distractions from my studies and hence should be avoided at all costs. Did I listen to them? Of course not. Why the hell should I when I am more than capable of making up my own mind on the issue? It suffices to say that as an adult, I have an exciting sex life (I shall spare you the details) and I exercise five days a week - my behaviour on both aspects is determined by what I like: I am simply doing what makes me happy. I place my own opinion ahead of everyone else's, I trust in my own judgement after having considering the relevant information of the topic. Am I unusual in this aspect? Or do others simply expect to be told what to think and do? I'm not sure - I'd like to think that my experience is pretty normal.

Can we convey just the facts without preaching?

In light of this, I'm not suggesting that we should not even bother with sex education since everyone is going to ultimately make up their own minds on the issue - I'm saying that sex education should be a lot more 'factual' rather than 'preachy'. Simply lay out the facts about sex as if it was a biology lesson - topics from sexual health, sexual orientation, reproductive health, birth control and safer sex should be covered in a neutral manner: simply offer the teenagers the bare facts and let them make up their own minds on the issue. Don't try to preach to teenagers because it is highly unlikely that you would be able to influence their opinions anyway - the next best option is simply to show them that your trust them enough to make up their own minds.

My parents preached abstinence. Did I listen? No, of course not. In order for them to have influenced my opinion in the first place, they needed me to respect them enough to value their opinion and no, I never ever had enough respect for my parents when it comes to any kind of advice. I felt that as primary school teachers, they were extremely naive and ignorant - they had no idea what the hell went on in the real world beyond the school gates, they lived in their own safe little bubble in the primary school where they worked. So naturally, I totally dismissed any kind of advice they had to offer on most topics - I would rather go to an adult who had some experience in the real world if I needed any practical advice on something like sex. Thus, you have two options here, both of which are going to end up with the same result.

Two options, same outcome?

Option A: The teacher/parents insist on preaching to the teenager, the teenager reacts the way I did and totally rejects the teacher's/parents' message and goes on to make his own mind up on the issue.

Option B: The teachers/parents take a step back and say, here are the facts now we trust you to make up your own mind on the issue - the teenager then goes on to make up his own mind on the issue.

So there you go, that's my take on the issue. Perhaps it has been a while since I was a teenager, but I doubt the mindsets of teenagers have actually changed much in the meantime. What do you think we should do in terms of offering teenagers the kind of sex education they may actually respond positively to, in light of the FTOF fiasco? What else can be done? Do leave a comment below please and let me know what you think, thank you very much for reading.