When your optimism is inappropriate

Greetings all. There is a very sad story in the news from Singapore today, about a 42 year old mother in Tampines who murdered her 7 year old autistic son. It is extremely tragic news and I would just like to share my perspective as someone who has two disabled people in my extended family. My nephew and cousin are both disabled and it has given me some perspective as to what such families have to go through in order to cope with daily life which is never easy. Of course we try our best to put a brave face on the issue but there is one thing I would like to point out to you please.

Now on several occasions, I have been offended and upset by people who mean well but have so totally misfired on so many levels when they try to be nice about my nephew's autism. I am talking about people who come across as dismissive, who treat autism as if it was nothing more major than a common cold, that it can be easily cured. I get the impression that they are ignoring the gravity of the situation in a dismissive manner, that irks me. I have had readers (whom I know have kind intentions) telling me that my nephew may grow up to be super successful in life - but this is a statement based on nothing more than their desire to make me feel better, rather than any kind of evidence, scientific or otherwise. Like if you've not ever met my nephew or know anything about his condition, how on earth are you going to make any prediction on what kind of future he may have? So what are you basing your prediction on? 

Do you know when your optimism is inappropriate? 

In short, such 'predictions' are meaningless at best, upsetting at worst. Why does such a prediction upset me so much? Let me paint you an analogy. Imagine if a friend told you that she has been diagnosed with advanced stages of cancer and the doctor told her that there is a 90% chance that she would be dead in less than 3 months. What do you say? Do you go into denial mode and dismiss what her worries with, "aiyah, don't worry lah, cancer can cure one, Nowadays there are so many different kinds of treatments and medicine, you won't die one." 

Now can you see why would such a response be deeply offensive and upsetting? The doctor's diagnosis has been based on detailed medical tests carried out at the hospital's cancer unit, whilst your meaningless encouragement is based on nothing more than a knee-jerk reaction to the news of your friend dying of cancer. It is dismissive, it is unhelpful and you are clearly not taking the other person seriously. You may say, "Oh don't be so harsh, that optimistic person is just trying to be nice and help. Maybe they're not saying the right things, but they have good intentions." Well, if you're trying to be nice and help, then please read on and I will tell you what you should be saying instead in such a situation. 

What is the right way to respond? With optimism? Or not?

Stop it. Please. It is not helpful. Think about what you are saying before the words spill out of your mouth. Don't just say the first thing that comes out of your mouth and think that it is okay as long as you have kind intentions. Are you being helpful by being optimistic? Probably not. If you have nothing sensible or intelligent to say, then it is fine to simply hold your silence or say very little. It is not always necessary to say something nice or anything at all.

If you want to talk to me about autism and how it affects my nephew, then by all means, we can certainly have a very civilized and informed discussion about it based on science and concrete evidence. I certainly know a lot about autism - it has been a steep learning curve for me since my nephew's diagnosis but I have learnt a lot in the last few years. I have also been monitoring my nephew's progress and I can clearly see where he is making some progress and where he is really lacking behind his peers. You know, I truly appreciate sharing stories about autism, encouraging the understanding of autism in society and getting mainstream society to be a bit more receptive to those living with autism. 

I would appreciate a sensible conversation about autism based on science.

But there is a fine balance here to be struck. On one hand, if there are stories of those who have successfully overcome autism to find success in life, we risk giving the wrong impression that anyone can overcome autism easily - that it is not a major barrier or problem for those affected by it and that only those who are lazy have not made enough of an effort to deal with it. On the other hand, if there are too many stories of those struggling with autism and being utterly miserable in their lives, then we risk stigmatizing them and alienating them further by creating this very negative image of those living with autism. How do we find the right balance then between reality and optimism? 

Unfortunately, I think we always get this balance wrong in favour of positive stories. People who are coping with anything from cancer to autism want to hear encouraging stories that will give them hope, they want to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, that they may be a happy ending eventually. Thus the balance has always been tipped towards the positive success stories which usually only really represent a small portion of cases - whilst cases which are not successful are usually ignored and swept under the carpet. This has conditioned us to try to respond optimistically and positively even when we are greeted with bad news - like when we learn of a friend's cancer diagnosis. 

How can we get the balance right between vain hope and reality?

So, what can you do instead? Simply listen. It's fine if you don't know what to say, sometimes it is better just to listen and allow the other person to talk rather than feel the need to say something nice. A good way to engage the person and keep the conversation flowing is simply by asking questions. So if we are talking about autism and you don't know anything (or much) about autism, you can always ask simple questions like, "how does this affect your nephew at school?" Or, "how does your nephew's case compares to others who are similarly affected by autism?" These are open ended questions that simply ask for more information and they show that you are taking interest in the case without jumping to any conclusions and they facilitate a meaningful conversation on the topic. 

You see, when people offend or upset me with their blind optimism - I usually turn the other cheek no matter how upset I am. I give them the benefit of the doubt: I know they are trying to encourage me and make me feel better, there is definitely no malice behind their statement (just a lot of ignorance), but still, it leaves me feeling upset and offended.. I am usually too polite to retaliate, so I bite my lip and I suffer in silence. Well, maybe this woman in Tampines is like me, maybe she has bit her lip and suffered in silence way too many times until the last straw broke the camel's back and she cracked under pressure. I can totally see that happening. You can be surrounded by friends but still not receive the right kind of emotional support you need because your friends simply don't know how to address the issue appropriately.  

I don't quite know how to react when I hear inappropriate optimism.

Gosh, this case just breaks my heart. I only wish that families with children who are disabled are given so much more support in our society. But I also want you to take a moment and appreciate just how much stress, angst, pain and suffering the parents like this poor woman go through year after year. Life has given them a very demanding task of being the parent to a disabled child and the very least the rest of you can do is to appreciate and acknowledge just how stressful and difficult it has been for the parents (and the other family members) of those affected by this kind of difficulty, rather than just whitewash the whole situation with blind optimism that is not even based on any kind of evidence.

So please, dear readers, I am imploring you. If you do know someone like me or this woman in Tampines, can you give us your emotional support but be careful and tactful when it comes to your optimism, please. Any kind of optimism should be based on evidence, not wishful thinking. But otherwise, just talk to me, listen to me, give me your time, let's have a conversation about it and support and hear what I have to say, that's all I need. We can have a very sensible conversation based on medical science and factual evidence, not sheer optimism. Thank you very much for reading.