"Limpeh, you seem like the kind of guy who would know the answer to something like that so I was wondering if you could help me please. I am a 21 year old university student and when I was out with my friends at a club recently, this older guy came over and asked me if he could buy me a drink. Now this has never happened before - I don't go out to bars and clubs much, so I didn't know how to react. The fact is I had no real interest in this older guy, I felt flattered by his attention but I didn't find him attractive. He just wasn't my type. I think I said something stupid like, "I am very sorry I have to go now, my friends are waiting for me," before running away to a different part of the club. That was really dumb as I was sitting down when he approached me - so it was obviously a lie, I swear it was so totally lame.
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| "Can I buy you a drink?" |
What is the etiquette when it comes to accepting a drink from someone like that at a bar or club please? Am I obliged to like hang around and chat with him if I accept that offer of a drink? How long am I obliged to do that for, like is five or ten minutes enough? Cos I would feel so weird if I just took the drink, said thanks and disappeared - that just feels impolite, right? Like I was taking advantage of the situation? Like I am not so cheap that I can't buy my own drinks when I go out, but I would feel bad accepting a drink from someone whom I obviously had no interest in. Ideally, if some really hot guy offered to buy me a drink, I'd gladly accept, chat to him and then offer to get the next round of drinks.
Or is it okay for me to accept free drinks from anyone who was willing to buy me a drink, even if I am not really interested in them? Like would it have been okay to have allowed that older guy to have bought me a drink - it felt rather rude to have literally ran away like that, I felt bad. It just feels strange to me, like I would offer to buy food and drink for my friends all the time and treat them, that's normal. But to offer that to a stranger? I just don't know how to react when that offer comes from a complete stranger. Have you any advice for me please? Thank you!
- Jennifer"
The fact that he is willing to buy it means that he can afford it, so don't worry about it from a financial point of view - but is he expecting anything in return though? You know, that is hard to say as it varies from person to person. Short of me asking that older guy if he expected anything in return, I don't think we would never know the answer. For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing in not wasting his time if you were clearly not interested in him at all; accepting that drink and then having clumsy, awkward conversation after that would not have been any fun for both parties. So on that basis, you did the right thing by saying no to that drink. It was never going to be easy to say no and you tried.
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| What did this man expect in return for buying Jennifer a drink? |
So let me open this up to my readers, what would you advice Jennifer to do? Could she have gladly accepted that drink without feeling bad? Is there a standard protocol or at least some kind of unwritten rules? Did she do the right thing by refusing it? What do you expect in return when you offer to buy a beautiful stranger a drink at a bar/club? What is the etiquette and rules about buying a stranger a drink? Do you have any interesting stories to share? Let's talk about this and share some ideas about handling such situations with Jennifer. Thank you very much for reading!
If it's a total stranger who bought me a drink, I would thank him and offer to get the next round of drinks when both of our drinks are done.
ReplyDeleteIt takes a lot of guts to go forth and get someone you fancy a drink in hope of having some small talk in a possibly noisy environment. The best that Jennifer could have done is to appreciate the gesture and repay it in getting the next round of drinks.
It is the polite thing to do, but I'm guessing Jennifer fears that by doing that she would give the guy the impression she was interested and it would be harder for her to extract from the conversation. She is after all just not interested.
ReplyDeleteWhile I guess if I were the man, I would greatly appreciate the gesture but admittedly it does require a great deal of maturity and confidence to end it that way. I'm not even sure I have it in me to do it that way. Now, I'm not saying not Jennifer isn't mature and confident and I could be totally offbase but I just don't see a 21 years old having that sort of confidence, especially if she's asking Limpeh on the correct thing to do.
I say, thank the guy. Accept the drink. You are not obligated to go home with him. Make small talk. That`s it. Unless you like the guy.
ReplyDeleteDi thanks for your comment. The way I see it (and please correct me if I am wrong), if the guy offers to buy Jennifer a drink, if she accepts, the message is, "ooh you look nice, I'd love to accept the opportunity to chat to you." If she refuses, the message is, "sorry dude, don't waste your time and money me, I am not interested." Is that roughly correct?
DeleteThe only problem is that if he comes up with "can I buy you a drink" as a chat up line, that guy is giving Jennifer a second or 2 at most to make up her mind about whether she is interested (hey, first impressions count - we live in a shallow world).. he's not giving her more than 2 seconds to make up her mind. Surely he could have boosted his chances by making a little bit of small talk first and giving her at least 60 seconds to make up her mind?
From a woman's point of view, how would you respond, in terms of finding a way to make that judgement call (in 2 seconds)? Thanks.
He could have made small talk first. Yes. However, that "Could I buy you a drink?" is his way of saying, "May I chat with you?" Small talk is a lost art today. In two seconds, I'd go by instincts. If he is really creepy from the get-go. I'd say no. Chances are he may be a guy that I am just not interested in, but I could bare small talk with. I just feel that we have become such an unfriendly world. Nothing wrong with just chatting in a bar. Perhaps we could talk about world events? All said, I have not been to a bar for years. I did have a guy buy me lunch last year. We were in line for a table at a Japanese restaurant. I was alone. I was seated first. Then the server asked if the guy could share my table. I looked at him, smiled, and said, "Only if you pay." He blushed. He mumbled something like yes. Then we chatted about the local paper I was reading. He finished first, and he did pay for my meal. I wasn't looking to take him home. Just my frisky funny self. Chance encounter. Why not be friendly with a fellow human being? Sometimes I like being alone. Sometimes, a small talk with someone is ok,
DeleteWell played Di - oh if only a stranger would buy me lunch at a Japanese restaurant! That never happens with me.
DeleteMaybe I am a bit harsh on judging guys who offer to buy strangers drink - on second thoughts, it does seem like a rather generous act to treat a complete stranger. I don't know, I'm not in the habit of chatting up strangers. I treat my friends instead, I had 3 friends do me a big favour last week and I returned the favour by taking them out for lunch. That's friends you see - but strangers? Hmmm...
Me neither. I guess if you are a lonely guy looking for conversation, you may buy someone a drink. Too bad we are so suspicious of strangers these days. Drinks are ok. I would never go home with a stranger. Then again. I am married. No one would ever want to talk me home. Wedding ring and all. I would not be alone in a bar either. No time, lah. Better at home with Netflix for me time. If I were single, yes. I may accept a drink if the guy seem harmless. Like I said. That's the extend I will go if single. I was thinking of the Clark Gable movies when a gentleman may offer the woman a drink without expectation of anything more other than pleasant conversation. When we were in Mexico, my son made small talk with a girl his age at the pool. Then they met up everyday at the pool. I thought that was really sweet. Turned out that girl lived 2-3 hours from Vancouver. I was thinking, if he were older, he may have bought her a drink from the swim-up (whatever you call it) bar. I guess he'd do just fine. They talked about school, travel, movies, video games, etc. He would call her room number to see if she was ready to go to the pool. Her parents didn't mind either. We did not think much of it, but it is nice to see him friendly with girls and boys as well.
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