Let's talk about soft skills again.

Hi everyone. In response to my recent article on a chemistry degree from NUS, my reader Luck Of Fire has asked me a really good question, "Hi Limpeh, in your opinion, what are the most important soft skills to have?" Thanks for that question. So often, we talk about soft skills as if it is something we are are completely familiar with, that is clearly defined but as I contemplated her question, I realized that the term 'soft skills' does cover a wide range of skills and I had to refer to the dictionary definition of it, which I shall share with you here:

Soft skills is a term often associated with a person's "EQ" (Emotional Intelligence Quotient), the cluster of personality traits, social graces, communication, language, personal habits, friendliness, and optimism that characterize relationships with other people. Soft skills complement hard skills which are the occupational requirements of a job and many other activities. They are related to feelings, emotions, insights and (some would say) an 'inner knowing': i.e. they provide an important complement to 'hard skills' and IQ. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soft_skills

So back to Luck Of Fire's question, what are the most important soft skills to have? Well I am sure you can ask ten different people and get ten different answers given the nature of soft skills, so I stress I am just offering my personal opinion as I am compiling the following list for you. 

1. The ability to speak confidently and sound eloquent, articulate and authoritative. 

Life is short, people are shallow and first impressions count: thus it is most important to make a good impression when you first meet them. This when we can make a distinction between being able to speak a language (ie. stringing together a grammatically correct sentence in the language to make yourself understood) and being able to make a good impression. Take a job interview scenario for example, what you say is as important as the way you choose to say it. In the Singaporean context, there are students who do very well in language exams but are totally incapable of speaking up and expressing themselves even amongst their peers. Why? Because this requires a totally different set of skills: you don't need to know how to command the attention of an audience in order to pass an English exam.

I have said a lot about this in my other posts so here are a list of links to those posts:
http://limpehft.blogspot.co.uk/2014/04/lift-vlog-episode-21-singaporean.html
http://limpehft.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/how-should-singaporeans-speak-english.html
http://limpehft.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/english-with-limpeh-lesson-1-th.html
http://limpehft.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/english-with-limpeh-lesson-2-consonant.html

2. The ability to listen to others and use that information to understand them. 

This is another vital skill that most children lack - try spending time with children and observe the way they love to talk about themselves and not only that, they just assume that you are interested in what they have to say. There is a child who lives in my block and I am polite and friendly with her parents when I run into them in the lift. One day she said to me out of the blue, "it is my sister's birthday tomorrow." My first reaction was, "So? What makes you think I'd give a shit?" But no, I censored myself and just replied, "Oh really?" It is as adults that we develop the social skills to learn to express an interest in others (though not all adults actually pick this up). 

It's not rocket science: we loathe people who go on and on about themselves, especially if they are not interesting at all. However, we tend to enjoy talking about ourselves - and this includes expressing our opinions about certain issues. If you want to make friends, you need to express a genuine interest in the people you are seeking to befriend. And in a work context, I have often faked this interest with work colleagues, clients or a boss just to be able to foster some kind of relationship with them, to get them to like me. This is really the easiest way to get people to like you - the more information they divulge about themselves, the more information you have to use to understand them. Again, this is hardly rocket science - but then again, we're talking about soft skills here, not molecular biology. 

Do you listen to others or do you talk about yourself?

3. The ability to see, hear and even smell oneself and be critical of oneself. 

OMFG, you will be amazed how many people utterly fail at this! It is not rocket science, it is so obvious - let me give you an example. It is now summer in the UK and we do get hot weather - when the weather is hot, people sweat and yes they smell. I walked past this man at a supermarket earlier today and oh boy, he stank. I wasn't even standing that close to him and his stench already reached me - my first thought was, "can't you smell yourself? How can you not realize how badly you smell? Please tell me you've come to the supermarket to buy some deodorant!" 

Okay, that's a bit of an extreme example but you get the idea - some people just can't be bothered to be critical of themselves: be it the way the look, behave, talk or smell. They are just totally oblivious to the way other people perceive them. This is a process which involves not just standing in the mirror and taking a long hard look at your reflection, but then asking yourself, "What will others think when they see what I see in the mirror?" Likewise, many people don't hear themselves when they talk - the words just come tumbling out of their mouth, the say the first thing that comes to mind without considering if it is appropriate. At best, they are tactless, insensitive; at worst, they can be downright offensive without even intending to offend. I am sure you know of somebody who is like that!

Are you tactless and insensitive when you speak to your friends?

This goes way beyond ensuring that you don't smell bad on a hot day or that you don't turn up at work wearing something totally inappropriate. It's a process that involves thinking two steps ahead and then working your way one step back. Let me show you how it works. Imagine if you're at a job interview and you really want the job but you need to convince the gatekeeper that you're the right person for the job.

Step 1: You want the gatekeeper to like you and give you the job.
Step 2: Find out quickly what the gatekeeper is looking for, what wants to hear from you, what would please the gatekeeper and what would upset the gatekeeper
Step 3: Quickly formulate your response according to what the gatekeeper wants to hear
Step 4: Double check in your head if you are going to be pressing the right buttons with your choice of response
Step 5: Monitor the feedback you are receiving from the gatekeeper in order to modify and improve your response.

Do you listen to yourself and check how good you sound?

I remember a recent interview I had to conduct where this young lady just talked at me for a while, telling me all about her experience, her skills and her abilities, barely pausing to breathe, never mind take a moment to check with me for any feedback. I decided within a few minutes that she was wrong for the job and the rest of the interview was but a formality and courtesy. Whilst she was clearly highly qualified for the job and very experienced, her social skills sucked and she was totally oblivious to the way she was coming across. She was talking a lot but not hearing herself at all. She had the social skills of a bull in a china shop and as gatekeeper, I had to exercise my right to say no to her.

4. The art of mimicry 

This is something that is found in nature - loads of animals have perfected the art of mimicry to help avoid predators. In a social setting, humans use mimicry to send a message quickly to people we have either just met or don't know well that they should be able to feel comfortable with us because we are just like them. This involves the careful art of observation and then imitating what the other party is doing be it in terms of their speech patterns, language use, body language or dress sense. Being able to mimic another party would help you blend in and fit into new environments a lot more easily, such as when you go to a new school or start a new job, it can make your life a lot easier!

How good are you at social mimicry?

Many people don't understand how important this is: they use all kinds of excuses to avoid the need for mimicry. Some are arrogant and think that they don't need to compromise on their identity - they will go into a social situation, sticking out like a sore thumb and just expect everyone to like them for who they are. That is a risky strategy to say the least. Others claim that their observation skills suck, they have no attention to detail and they cannot even begin to act/behave a different way, so they make zero effort at mimicry - again, they pay the same price for sticking out in a social situation. Whilst mimicry isn't vital, it is incredibly useful.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with mimicry - I see it as a courtesy to help the other person feel comfortable, to interact with them in a manner which they feel most comfortable with rather than alienate them. When I am speaking with my mother, I would speak in a mish-mash of Singlish and Hokkien and probably not use English at all because that is what she feels most comfortable with. When I am speaking with my friends here in London, I would speak in a kind of British standard English that they would be familiar and comfortable with. I am humbly putting the needs of the other party before my own in this process and making it a lot easier for them to interact with me socially.

The art of mimicry is not easy but it is very useful.

5. The ability to exercise restraint and stay calm under pressure 

Ooh boy, I think this is something that is not valued enough! I have seen this so much as a gymnast over the years - it doesn't matter how good you are at training, it really only matters if you can deliver a perfect performance when you go to an important competition. I have seen talented gymnasts crumble under pressure when they are so nervous at the big competition. It takes a certain amount of self-belief, confidence and just zen-focus to shut out the rest of the world when you're in a high stress situation and deliver what you have to do. Have a look at the video below: did the Jessica Gil Ortiz fall because she was trying to perform a skill she couldn't do or did she fall simply because she was nervous? It was the latter - she could perform that skill (the handspring double front tuck somersault) perfectly in training.

This principle can be applied to any situation - students when it comes to exams and really any stressful situation at work. I learned this best in the army where I knew it was always best to project a calm image even if you're stressed, angry or frustrated as showing your feelings rarely helped with the situation I was facing. Often, there is the temptation to lash out at someone who may be unreasonable or annoying, but it takes a certain amount of maturity and restraint to say to yourself, "leave it, it's not worth it, it won't achieve anything." Sometimes, it can take a lot to walk away from a situation rather than just to give in to your anger or frustration - that is a soft skill that would be highly valued.

So there you go. This is such a wide topic and you can easily pick another ten soft skills to talk about - I suggest this article for further reading. But for what it's worth. those are the five soft skills I think are very important - I guess the next question is how best to develop these soft skills in young people. Now that's probably another discussion for another blog post. Do let me know what you think, please leave a comment below. Many thanks for reading!