Expectations, pain and root canal surgery

OK this is going to be one of those rambling posts where I am trying to organize my thoughts about my parents - so bear with me but trust me, I have a valid point to make with this one. I was on Skype with my family when my dad told me a disturbing story. He was having root canal treatment when he thought the dentist forgot to give him any kind of anesthetic - what followed was over an hour of unspeakable, immense pain that nearly made him pass out.  Now we don't know what actually happened - maybe the dentist (whom we know well and trust) did make a mistake (well he's human) and forgot to administer any form of anesthetic, or maybe the dose just wasn't enough for the kind of root canal treatment - but either way, my dad was in such total agony throughout the treatment and for hours later.

Now this begs the question, "Pa, why didn't you say anything if you were suffering so much? Just tell the dentist you were in pain." He said he trusted the dentist and he thought the dentist or the nurse could read from his facial expression that he was in pain. So he just sat there and suffered in silence. Cue face palm. Now here's why I am worried okay? My dad is an old man - he is 76. Any intense shock, like acute pain, could easily trigger off something like a heart attack. I don't want him to suffer something like that as a result of a botched dental treatment - not at his age and certainly, I don't want him to suffer any kind of physical pain like that. Furthermore, I am sure the dentist could have done something there and then to alleviate my dad's suffering if he knew my dad was in such pain!

Why couldn't my dad bring himself to speak up?

That frustrates me - my dad's blind spots. As I tried to talk sense into him (on Skype), my sister made an expression which told me that yes, she has already had that conversation with him and no, she couldn't talk any sense into him. He kept blaming the dentist when we kept telling him, "you have to say something to the dentist if you're in pain or discomfort. You cannot just keep quiet like that - if you don't say anything, how can the dentist know that you are suffering?" Whilst I wanted to be sympathetic, his stubborn refusal to accept that he should have said something frustrated the hell out of me. He simply refused to accept that he could have and should have said something.

We're not talking about rocket science here - what kind of person would just sit there and suffer root canal surgery with insufficient or no anesthetic? Did my father even have any concept of self-preservation? When I had my recent accident during rehearsals, believe you me, I was screaming in pain when it happened. Everyone in the vicinity could here me scream in pain when it happened and they got me the medical help I needed within moments. I talked about putting up with pain and suffering (吃苦) to achieve one's goals, but what my dad put himself through is completely different: that was putting up with unnecessary suffering with absolutely nothing to gain from the terrible trauma.

Anyway, I could only come to the conclusion that my dad is simply, well, for want of a better word, not particularly bright when it came to things like that. No intelligent person would have done what he did. My dad is a very simple man - he worked as a primary school teacher all his life (he's 76 now and retired many years ago). He knows his way around a PSLE Chinese syllabus inside out and he felt very safe in the primary school environment where he could have a lot of control over his students in the classroom. Take him out of that context and put him somewhere, like a dental clinic and he lacks even the most basic common sense to function. Don't get me started on the number of times my father has said some incredibly naive things about life outside the primary school environment - it's like he has no idea what goes on in the real world since he has never really had to deal with the real world for most of his life.

A couple of weeks back, my dad said something extremely hurtful to me on Skype. Now I will not go into it in detail - but I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he said it out of sheer ignorance and stupidity, rather than spite. He wasn't deliberately trying to insult or mock me, he simply said the first thing that came to his mind without making any effort to consider if it was tactful or appropriate. When I tried to explain to him why what he said was tactless and inappropriate, he completely went off on a tangent and started getting defensive over something that happened in 1990. Imagine my frustration and confusion, like what the hell are you on about? I am not talking about what happened in 1990, I am talking about what you said 5 minutes ago. But such is my dad - he can remember what happened in 1990 very clearly, but he struggles to remember what he had for dinner yesterday. That is a common feature with old people.

My dad can be very tactless with me on Skype and often insults me without realizing it.

Fortunately for me, my sister stepped in and moderated, explaining gently to my dad that he was totally barking up the wrong tree. Phew, I swear I don't know how I would communicate with my parents if not for my wonderful sister. I don't think my dad would every understand why what he said to me was tactless at best (well it was downright insulting), but we're talking about a confused, silly - I'm going to use the word that Winkingdoll told me not to use - stupid old man who would sit through root canal treatment and suffer in silence without telling the dentist anything. Sometimes the depths of my dad's sheer stupidity astonishes me and the root canal incident takes it to a whole new level.

Ooh I know I have crossed some Asian line here - we're not supposed to talk about our parents like that, to point out that they're not very educated, rather ignorant or even plain stupid. If you're going to hate me for breaking that social taboo, if you think I'm being incredibly disrespectful to my father for talking about this on my blog, then so be it. I can live with that - I do think however, that I have other readers who can probably relate to what I am talking about here and I am looking for their empathy. I just can't do the Asian thing where you only talk about the good things about our families in order not to 'lose face' and you simply refuse to wash dirty linen in public. Oooh that's a big Asian taboo.

Are traditional Chinese values valid in this modern age?

I am pissed off with stupid Asian culture, these assumptions that somehow because our parents are so freaking old, that somehow we must respect them for being old, that somehow older people are wiser people. That's utter bullshit and you know it. Maybe over 200 years ago, people had much shorter life expectancy back then and people died from everything from the flu to chicken pox to diarrhea - so to make it to the age of 60 or 70 was actually a pretty big deal when everyone else was dying by the age of about 40. But with modern technology and medicine, everyone's making it to their 70s and 80s these days - so should we be automatically respecting someone for simply "staying alive"?

You see, when my dad does something stupid like that (and believe you me, this is not the first time he has done something like that), it doesn't inspire respect. Hell no. He just makes us worry about him and at times, I feel sorry for him. It's not that we don't care about him or that we don't love him - but respect is something that is earned or inspired and it is clearly not my response in this episode. And as my dad gets older and older, he does more and more silly, stupid things like that and we worry more and more about him. Certainly, I think we should treat the elderly with much kindness and compassion - people like my dad need all the help he can get. But that's not the same as respect - respect is something else altogether and I just know that I am going to be attacked by many of my Asian readers for pointing out the difference between the two. But think about it: kindness and respect are really very different indeed.

In light of this, let me put my hand up and admit that I am the one making the stupid mistake by having unrealistically high expectations of my dad - I have always had such high expectations of him as a child and had always felt let down and disappointed all my life by him. In hindsight, I had been the one who has been unfair to my dad - I really should have seen his limitations and lowered my expectations a long time ago, that would have spared myself so much disappointment over the years. As a child, I was very unrealistic - I was thinking about what kind of father I wanted to have, what kind of parenting and support I needed/wanted, what kind of father-son relationship I would like to have - my expectations were based on my desires rather than reality. Thus in hindsight, I guess I deserved to be disappointed - I can see where I had been foolish and made bad errors of judgement.

Can I make this point clear please: I don't hate my dad for saying tactless crap to me all the time, I am not angry with him at all when he insults me. Sure I may feel frustration at times (who wouldn't?) but really, all I want to do these days is rescue him from his own stupidity and make sure that he doesn't do anything stupid that endangers his health. I don't want a repeat of the dental incident, I just don't want him to suffer as a result of his sheer stupidity. He simply refuses to see himself as an old man who needs to be taken care of though, he is fiercely independent and so incredibly stubborn. Anyway, with this in mind, the next time he says something tactless or hurtful to me (which no doubt he will in the near future), I will remember this dental incident and just let it go, or as we say in French, laissez-tomber.

It's hard to react when my dad insults me without even realizing it.

I am wondering if any of my readers have parents in their 70s who can be just as difficult to handle? What are the challenges that you face caring for your aged parents? What kind of advice do you have for someone like me trying to deal with my stubborn father? Do let me know please, kindly leave a comment below. Many thanks for reading.