Perhaps some of you parents can explain this one to me.

Hi readers. Recently I found myself in an awkward situation at work where I overheard a conversation and said nothing, but I am going to tell you exactly how I felt. Perhaps some of you with children can respond and explain this to me. I had arrived early at a conference so I was killing some time waiting in the reception area. Two people also waiting in the reception area (I knew who they were, having dealt with their company before) started a conversation about their children. Nothing unusual, but the conversation was about how their children have taken to eating more exotic fruits and are embracing those different flavours. They went on and on, listing fruit after fruit that they children have enjoyed: pineapple, coconut, mango, pomegranate, lychee, rambutan, kiwi fruit, dates, dragon fruit, star fruit, even durian.

"My daughter isn't put off by the hairs on the rambutan fruit!" 

I was within earshot of the conversation but I didn't make any comment - I looked down at my phone and avoided eye contact just in case they could detect any emotions from my body language. Why was I trying to hide my facial expressions from them? It was because I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Good grief. These parents were actually proud of the way their children were 'adventurous' enough to try these new, foreign flavours. What the hell? I would tell their kids, "your parents are kind and generous enough to buy you all this expensive, exotic fruit - now you should be grateful, say thank you very much to your parents." The thought that children should be praised for enjoying nice fruit was completely beyond me - my first gut instinct was to think that these parents were utterly clueless and hopeless. If you're praising your children for enjoying expensive, delicious food, good grief, what kind of precedent are you setting here? Do they also congratulate their children for enjoying expensive toys or enjoying nice holidays?

Okay, perhaps it is because I am from Singapore and I grew up very familiar with all these tropical fruits that they mentioned. Yes some British people are quite unadventurous when it comes to trying foods that are foreign and it is not just British children, but often adults too who shy away from anything exotic or foreign when it comes to food. So I do accept that for a young British child to readily take to foreign fruits is somewhat unusual at best - but is it praiseworthy? I don't think so! Rather, to praise their children for enjoying nice fruit completely devalues the purpose of praise. Shouldn't praise be reserved for achievements which are actually praiseworthy - such as coming in first in a sports competition or scoring full marks for a maths exam? The praise should reflect the true value of the achievement.

Shouldn't praise be reserved for praiseworthy achievements like acing a maths exam?

This is when I am going to show just how you can take the boy out of Singapore but you can't take Singapore out of the boy: I am going to default to a very Singaporean stance on the issue and claim that these two white parents are bloody clueless when it comes to parenting. Certainly, the two parents were spending a lot of money on their children and were happy to buy them expensive exotic fruits to enjoy - but there's one thing that money can't buy and that is a sense of self-worth. I guess I faced the opposite extreme in my childhood in Singapore - I worked so hard to gain praise from my parents who never ever gave it. They believed that in denying me praise, it making me feel as if I had to work harder to earn it, I would be motivated to achieve so much more. If I didn't meet their super high standards, they would administer physical punishment. Whilst I was mostly insecure and miserable as a child, I did achieve a lot so perhaps there was some logic behind my parents' approach. That is the kind of super strict Asian upbringing I had, so you can see why I would feel such utter scorn and contempt when I see white parents praising their children for enjoying pineapple.

To me, that feels downright condescending. Good grief, I could give the monkeys at the zoo slices of pineapple and they would enjoy it - do use the monkeys at the zoo to put this 'achievement' in perspective. I feel the same way when my mother does the exact same thing with my nephew. My nephew is autistic and my mother goes out of her way to praise him for everything he does - she often tells me, "he is so 可怜, maybe sometimes we praise him a bit too much - but if we don't praise and encourage him, nobody else will and he is not like you, he is autistic, you are not. So don't compare the way I raised you to the way I am treating your nephew now. You can cope with whatever the world throws at you, he can't. He needs all the help he can get - can't you see I am just trying my best to help him?"

Exotic fruit on sale in a street market in Malaysia

Let me be the first to admit that I don't have all the answers when it comes to finding the best way to raise an autistic child - I am probably just as clueless as my mother but I do believe that going over the top with praise has no benefit whatsoever for a child. I've seen my mother do this: she would cut up some fruit, put it in a bowl, serve it to my nephew and when my nephew finished eating the fruit, my mother would praise him for finishing the fruit. My nephew would then run away, leaving my mother to clear up the bowl. I have to bite my tongue when I see my mother do stupid shit like that because I would have made my nephew clean up after himself - I don't care if he is autistic, these are basic rules he has to learn and the sooner he learns rules like that, the better he can cope with life in the real world. In this case, I argue that my mother's misguided actions are damaging my nephew in the long run. 

So let's go back to the reception area where I am still overhearing these two talking about their children. Their children can eat fruit. Big fat hairy deal. Duh. Am I supposed to be impressed that your children are able to chew and swallow fruit without choking or spewing it all over themselves? Wow. Could I be any less impressed? Do you really have nothing else about your children to boast about about their ability to withstand the acidity of fresh pineapple? Who knows, maybe these two white parents really do have children who are such underachievers that they have so little to be proud about, so they have to talk about their children's ability to enjoy fresh pineapple, pomegranate or papaya.

"My daughter likes papaya!" So...?

I know what some of you devil's advocates are going to say: maybe it is in bad taste to boast about your children's academic achievements, so talking about something as bland (pardon the pun) as eating exotic fruits is a harmless enough way to pass the time whilst waiting for the conference to start, so I am reading just a little bit too much into a casual conversation. That's probably a fair enough point - but if you wish to talk about exotic fruits, then surely you should be discussing the experience of eating and enjoying these fruits. The pungent smell of durian, the blend of sweet and sour sensations in a ripe mangosteen, the creamy texture of avocado, the crunchiness of the dragon fruit seeds, the way the juices run down your chin when you bite into a big slice of watermelon. Were they talking about the fruits? Oh no, they were talking about their kids rather than the exotic fruits per se.

Imagine if you had kids who received praise from their parents the moment they did something like enjoy a delicious persimmon or fig, then how would they cope with the real world where they are not going to get that same kind of approval from their teachers at school, or from their bosses at work? Surely it is a parent's responsibility to prepare your child to cope with the challenges in the real world, to be able to deal with figures of authority who may not be as kind as a doting parent. Do you know what the irony is? I have seen these two in action at work and they have been quite demanding with the people who work under them. They are not nice people to work for. Their children may be young today, but I'd love to see a situation in maybe 15 years' time where their children are unable to find a job and their parents are forced to employ their own children. Oooh. Now wouldn't that be fun to watch.

"Teacher, I ate a whole mango, are you going to praise me for it?"

Who knows. Maybe their children are completely normal and are even slightly embarrassed  when they receive praise for eating a slice of pineapple. I am perhaps a bit unfair to assume that their children are completely screwed up based on their parents' behaviour in that conversation. I just hope their children are better adjusted for the real world because nobody is going to praise you for simply being able to eat fruit in the real world. I also felt that I needed to share this story to demonstrate that whilst I have been very critical of Asian parenting on my blog, I can be just as critical of the kind of bad parenting I witness here in England and it is the children I feel sorry for at the end of the day, they deserve better than this. I guess there are bad parents everywhere, just different kinds of bad parents.

Anyway, so that's my very cynical take on the situation. Perhaps I am judging these two parents extremely harshly - maybe I am assuming the worst of them. Or maybe not? Maybe if I had participated in their conversation, I may have had a different side of the story emerge. But if they were simply talking about tropical fruits, I would've gladly joined in the conversation. But I couldn't be less interested in their children's ability to appreciate the taste of fresh pineapple. You couldn't have paid me enough money to make me want to participate in that conversation - if your child has won a gold medal at the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics, then by all means, please do share that amazing story with me, I'm all ears. But if you're going to talk to me about what fruits your child likes, excuse me whilst I head for the nearest exit. Please spare me the boring mundane crap, Limpeh is not interested, Limpeh is not easily impressed.

As usual, please let me know what you think. Feel free to leave a fruity comment below. Thank you for reading!

"My daughter isn't afraid to try jackfruit!"