A follow up on parenting and examples

Hi again. My last post on parenting actually generated quite a lot of debate, so I thought I'd do a follow up. My reader Muchopunk talked about the importance of parents setting a good example for their children and I had a huge problem with that I'm afraid on a matter of principle. Maybe it's just me playing the devil's advocate, but I just don't see the point about parents being a good example for their children. I believe that children who want to succeed will succeed regardless of the kind of people their parents are.

Maybe it's me just looking at the issue from my own experience - I couldn't have grown up to be any more different from my parents. From a young age, I had absolutely no intention of using my parents as role models because I suppose I could see the flaws in their characters. I recognized that they were humans, they had problems, they made mistakes and putting them on a pedestal, expecting them to be good role models would only be setting myself up for disappointment. Can I ask for a dose of reality please in this debate please?

Do children follow their parents' example?

Take something as simple as my dad's inability to speak English - he can't speak English, won't speak English and refuses to try. The only time when he would have to resort to speaking a little English is when he is confronted with say an Indian or Filipino person and he would then come up with the basics - otherwise it is either Mandarin or Malay which he would use. Did I need my dad to be able to speak English fluently before I was prepared to study it at school? No, whether my dad could speak English or was willing to speak it had no bearing whatsoever on my desire or ability to learn English at school. The only factor I suppose was that he wasn't able to help me with my English homework - but it didn't matter: the fact is, I didn't need him to be my role model. I just got on with learning English at school.

The fact is my dad never stopped me from learning English as a child, he never stopped me from reading English books, from listening to the BBC world service, from watching American movies - he allowed me to make my choices, get on with my education and trust me to do so as an adult. He didn't insist that I should follow his example, he couldn't have been more reasonable about it. I couldn't ask for more - I didn't need him to show me by example. In turn, I respected the fact that he hated the English language, simply couldn't figure it out and it was fine by me. Once again, I stress: I didn't need him to lead by example. His refusal to speak English didn't have any negative impact on my ability to master the English language - it didn't matter, really.

I remember this day from when I was in primary two or three, my dad came to pick me up after school and a bunch of teachers and parents were there. They were all conversing in English and my dad refused to speak English with any of them, choosing from speak only in Mandarin. I heard one of my classmates say, "eh why that uncle speak Chinese only one? Come from China one izzit? Donno how to speak English or what?" I didn't know what to say, I didn't want to kick up a fuss - so I kept quiet and pretended I didn't hear her. Sure there were times when I felt uneasy about my dad's inability to speak English in a country where English is the official language of education and business - not being able to speak English was undoubtedly a huge disadvantage for my dad in Singapore and he was aware of it.

The number of time he has to pass an official looking letter to my sister or myself to translate for him - my sister used to get that job but by the time I was in like primary four, I would ask her to let me try to do so and my dad encouraged it, as a means to demonstrate to me the practicalities of being bilingual in English and Mandarin. I did remember thinking, geez this letter isn't exactly complex but you can't even understand it without someone reading it to you? How do you get through your daily routine in Singapore without English? But such was my dad for you - he's in his late 70s now and he got by all these years without English in Singapore.

My dad simply had a mental block when it came to English.

I don't believe that children are limited by their parents' example - heck, if that was the case, I wouldn't be able to speak English, but I defy the logic by speaking English as a first language and French as my second language. Here's why I have such a problem with this concept of being a good role model or setting an example for your children: that's a very passive form of parenting. There's a huge commitment involved in actually instructing your child, nurturing your child, being actively involved in your child's upbringing: it is simply not enough to say, "mummy's a very successful person, just do what I do." That's not parenting, even if the mother is indeed successful in her life, what kind of mother if she if she thinks that it is simply enough to lead by example?

My opinion on this issue is very much shaped by my experience in sports: I have been involved in gymnastics for over 30 years at the very highest level - I competed for Singapore and am a qualified gymnastics coach as well. There is a huge difference between properly instructing a student to learn a skill and simply (for want of a better word) 'showing off'. Gymnastics is a great spectator sport - I love watching gymnastics and have been to major events like the World Championships and the 2012 Olympics to watch the best in the world compete. Whilst I am greatly entertained at such events, I am merely a spectator at these events these days, the experience of being there doesn't make me a better gymnast per se. Just watch this clip below - that's me showing off to you. Would you be able to do the same trick after watching me do it? No, it doesn't work like that. Enjoy the clip.

No, I believe that parenting should be hands on, it should involve establishing a two-way relationship with the child where the parent takes a keen interest in the child and the child (hopefully) reciprocates in that relationship. That's where a lot of parents fail - they provide for the child materially, but by the time a child turns into an adult, they realize they've raised a stranger they barely get along with. That's really what happened in my case.

I should have seen the writing on the wall. Did I ever mention that my sister was once national champion in chess for her age group? She has even represented Singapore internationally in chess and yes she is one of those super smart people - it's true, people who are good in chess are usually super brilliant academically. Did my mother take any interest in her chess? Could my mother for example, name the pieces on the chess board? No. My mother couldn't understand just how great my sister's achievements were in chess - which is ironic as most parents would be thrilled to have a child who is that brilliant, but for some reason, my mother totally failed to recognize just how brilliant my sister is, probably because it was in the somewhat unusual field of chess.

Thus when gymnastics became a big part of my life and like my sister, I became a national champion and started representing the country at international competitions - my mother took zero interest in my activities, never showed up at any of the competitions and in the same way she couldn't name the chess pieces, she wouldn't be able to name any of the gymnastics apparatuses. She just didn't show any interest in my sister's chess, she couldn't be less interested in my gymnastics. I suppose the main reason why was because she could neither understand chess nor gymnastics - thus it was not interesting for her despite the fact that it meant so much to us. That kinda hurts writing that now, but hindsight is 2020 - I suppose my sister has the kind of character where she just shrugs and says 'never mind, it's okay, it doesn't matter, it is not that important, let's move on and be happy."

You know what the irony is? I wonder what kind of mother can raise not one, but two national champions only to be oblivious to what she has achieved. My sister reached the peak in her chess career in the 1980s and my gymnastics was at its finest in the 1990s (so there was ten year gap).  I don't even think she realizes the magnitude of such an achievement within one family simply because she hasn't paused for a moment and thought about what we have achieved.  I think any other Singaporean parent would be over the moon if s/he managed to raise one national champion, but to have two children who turn out to be national champions? Perhaps someone should congratulate her (albeit years later) and just say, "hey, well done, your kids turned out to be brilliant."

Did my mother realize she raised two national champions?

Do I blame her? No I don't - many women of her generation simply become mothers because that was what was expected of them: you grow up, you get married, you have children. Nobody questioned whether these women of her generation had the right parenting skills before they started having children. Here's my mother's biggest mistake when it came to parenting: she didn't understand what success meant. As a blogger, I have helped many young people in Singapore try to adapt their skills to the working world and I have looked at some CVs and just tutted, nothing special, nothing outstanding, nothing impressive. And that is when I have to persuade these young people to try to get some interesting and useful experiences to spice up their otherwise very bland CVs. If only they excelled in something like chess or any kind of sports, or just did anything special or different that made them stand out.

My mother didn't grasp that concept at all I'm afraid - she thought that my sister's chess and my gymnastics were but unnecessary distractions from our studies and not worthy of her attention. An important part of good parenting involves preparing your child for the world s/he is going to be a part of and my mother wasn't good at that at all. She failed twice to spot the fact that she had two children who were obviously gifted in our respective fields and nearly stopped us from pursuing our talents.Fortunately, she always didn't get her way. I didn't need my mother to lead by example - we just needed her to be supportive in our quest for excellence, we needed her to be encouraging as we became national champions. Like I said, my sister and I became national champions in spite of my mother's disapproval, rather than because of her support. Sorry if I am being so blunt about this.

What do you do with a gifted child?

What could my mother have done differently then? I think she could have been a lot more emotionally supportive about our pursuits - that would have meant so much more than any kind of example she could have given us. She could have at least recognized how much chess and gymnastics meant to my sister and I and tried looking at things from our point of view for a moment. She could have taken more of an interest. If I may be ever so blunt, if I only limited myself to the examples that my parents have set for me, I wouldn't have done most of the things I have achieved in my 37 years. So you see, that's all I needed - emotional support, rather than an example to follow and even when I didn't get that emotional support I yearned for, like my sister, I just got on with life anyway.

So rather than demanding that parents must set a good example for their children, I say, fuck that. You're totally barking up the wrong tree, that's the school of 'passive parenting' - I didn't need my parents to lead by example. I just needed my parents to take a bit more interest in what I did. That's why I became estranged from my parents for so many years because we became strangers. I then had to (eventually) default to my sister's stance of  "forget it, let's just move on, you can't change the past." I told you she's the smart one in the family and I'm the dumb sports jock.

Let's get on with life and choose to be happy.

So there you go, that's my take on the issue and a rather personal story of frustration. This is why I got so angry at the suggestion that parents should set a good example for their children - no, they shouldn't have to. They are humans, they are flawed, they make mistakes but they can still try their best to nurture their children and build a meaningful relationship with their children despite the flaws in their characters. Let's not put our parents on pedestals and expect them to be perfect - let's instead judge them by what they actually do for their children. That should be what matters the most - and let's be forgiving when parents do make a mistake in their lives for they are human after all, do not crucify them for not setting the perfect example for their children.

Like seriously, someone should tell my mother she is the mother of two national champions - I really don't think she realizes what a big deal it ought to be. Maybe she could look back upon it and it might just make her happy, wouldn't it be nice if she could feel some pride about it. As usual, let me know what you think about this issue, thank you.