That American gay couple who were discriminated in Singapore

OK I have been asked for my thoughts on this story about that American gay couple who were discriminated in Singapore. I have read their story as well as the replies on social media to this story and I am sorely disappointed in everything I saw. Let me summarize it in a nutshell for those of you who have not yet read the story. A gay American couple on holiday in Singapore suffered verbal abuse for no more than holding hands in public on two occasions. They did however, offend many Singaporeans by using the term "rowdy brown-skinned goons" in their open letter which made them come across as racist and ignorant. Had they not used that offensive term (like seriously, WTF were you thinking), I suspect the public may have been a lot more sympathetic.

Now is Singapore a gay-friendly place? Actually,I think so - for a different reason. Let's focus on a gay couple walking down the street holding hands. In Amsterdam or Stockholm, because Dutch and Swedish societies are so very gay-friendly, it wouldn't be an issue and if some intolerant person tried to verbally abuse the gay couple for holding hands, there would be plenty of straight people who would immediately step in and berate the bigot for doing so.  In Singapore, I suspect that most Singaporeans would default to their "mai kaypoh" (Hokkien: mind you own business, don't be a busybody) stance. Even if they felt uncomfortable, Singaporeans are conditioned to simply look the other way and ignore what they saw, rather than speak up. In this case, that's a good thing.

Homophobia in Botanic Gardens?!

This rather passive stance is a double edged sword - whilst it can result in the bystander effect, on the other hand, it could also mean that a gay couple walking down Orchard Road holding hands would be spared any kind of abuse even if the people around them are not comfortable with what they see. By that token, considering that they spent a few days in Singapore, walking around holding hands, cuddling in public, they only encountered two such incidents of homophobia. To be fair to Singapore, they could have easily encountered two similar incidents in cities like London, Toronto, Paris, Berlin, New York or Sydney. There is homophobia everywhere.

Now would I hold hands with a man walking down the street in Singapore or London? No, is the answer. I suppose it is just not worth the risk, even if the risk of a homophobic attack is fairly small. Let me give you an example of how this concept of risk evaluation works in an everyday situation. When I go for my diving class, I have two options: I can either leave my bag (which contains my phone and wallet) by the pool side or I can put it in a locker. If you put it in the locker, you'll have to then carry the key with you to the pool side and I worry about dropping the small key into the pool or losing it during the lesson. Some people leave their bags by the pool side because they think, "I can keep an eye on it most of the time" - but most do use the lockers. Why? Because even if the chances of having your bag stolen from the pool side is small, is it a risk worth taking for a bit more convenience? That's why I put my bag in the locker when I go to the pool (unless I'm really late for the lesson, then I just dump my bag by the poolside.)

By the same token, that is why I would play it safe, even in a far more gay-friendly city like London because I am by nature risk averse. I suppose there are some gay and lesbian couples who are happy to hold hands in public and they do it for different reasons: some simply want to do it as a statement of protest (after all, there's nothing obscene or offensive about holding hands) whilst I suspect there are some who don't even think about it the way I do and just do what they feel like doing without considering the risks or consequences. And there are some who would hold hands only if they know they are in a safe place to do so: so an art gallery would be a lot safer than on the bus late at night.

So a lot of this really depends on when and where you want to openly express affection for your same-sex partner. Let me give you an example - when I was in Singapore in 2011, I met up with a gay couple from France and we went to the poolside bar at the Grand Park Orchard Hotel. They were holding hands when we were at the bar and none of the staff were going to bat and eyelid as we were guests spending a lot of money on overpriced drinks and snacks. One of the staff even chatted with them about where to go, what to do etc (the usual things you'll recommend to a tourist) whilst they were clearly affectionate. They accessed the situation and felt safe to behave affectionately in that environment - when I then took them out to a hawker centre to give them a taste of real Singaporean hawker cuisine, they chose not to hold hands in public then. I didn't tell them what they should or should not do - it was simply a decision they made between themselves instinctively without actually even talking about it.

Are hawker centres gay-friendly places?

Nonetheless, is there any justification for the way that mother acted? No, she could have said whatever she wanted to say to her son in private without offending the American couple. After all, they were just walking through the park, minding their own business and it was her son who intruded into their privacy - not the other way around. I'm not asking that mother to be gay-friendly (that's another question for another day), I'm just asking her not to offend people who have done anything to offend her in the first place. She isn't just rude - she is going around trying to pick fights and provoke people. What if the gay couple had challenged her and got into a big argument with her on the spot, in front of her son? Why risk provoking strangers in public like that? What could she possibly gain by verbally abusing that gay couple and what kind of example is she setting for her son? Her son is going to grow up that the way to deal with people you don't agree with is simply to verbally abuse them rather than try to reason with them. That's a bad mother.

As for the many Singaporeans who called for the Americans to stop whining, stop complaining and shut up - I ask them this: how would you feel if you went to America or Europe on holiday and suffered verbal abuse for no more than being Asian? How would you feel if some white person told you to shut the hell up and stop complaining, "you're just a tourist"? There is simply no justification to tell the Americans to shut up - by all means, engage them, debate them, discuss the issues with them, disagree with them if you must, but do not attempt to tell them just shut up and silence them. Why can't you talk to them? Why can't you have a sensible conversation about the issue? Are you afraid that you do not have the intellectual abilities to take them on in a sensible, mature debate about the issue?

Let's have an open and mature discussion on the issue. 

Perhaps the Americans could have been more tactful and measured in their language - but then again, they had just been verbally abused by a bunch of strangers and they are hardly in the right frame of mind to be rational and calm. They wrote it when they were angry: perhaps that's a lesson to learn - never write anything when you're angry and then post it. I'm sure we've all made that mistake before with emails! But by the same token, two wrongs don't make a right - some of the racist and homophobic remarks made by Singaporeans in response to these Americans have been just deplorable. (But sadly, whilst I was disappointed, I was not at all surprised by what I saw.)

In any case, there are cultures where two men holding hands are not really a sign of them being gay - that is seen through a culture's filter. For example, in South Korea or India, there's no social taboo about friends of the same sex holding hands - it is simply seen as an innocent sign of friendship. I suppose a piece of advice I would give the Americans is to simply check what the local laws, customs and culture are like when it comes to gay couples holding hands or expression affection in public - it's one thing to demand to be treated with respect but you have to wonder just how much risk you're putting yourself at by doing so. I have always been very discrete with my sexuality whenever I was in the Middle East because it simply was not a risk that was worth me taking with the locals.

That's just my attitude I suppose, I am risk averse. I think that any such incidences can well and truly ruin your holiday - why put yourself in such a situation when you've spent so much time and money flying halfway around the world? I am an experienced traveler and certainly, I've had my share of trouble when I am abroad, such as the car accident I encountered in Indonesia and boy, that sure ruined my holiday I swear. I avoid trouble where possible when I am on holiday and it just doesn't make sense to take more risks than necessary over something like that.

Let me give you an example. Back in July this year, I went to Oman and it is a very conservative Islamic country. Men are expected to dress modestly and it is a social taboo to show your knees in public. So your trousers are expected to extend beyond your knees but if you show a bit of your calves, that's fine. Did I find this bizarre? Sure, I had no idea why they found kneecaps obscene or offensive but as I was a visitor to their country, I knew I had no choice but to observe their local customs and rules - I wore trousers despite the fact that day time temperatures regularly hit the mid-40s and I would have been more comfortable in shorts. Their local customs made no sense to me, but I respected them nonetheless because I just didn't want any trouble. After all, I was a guest in their country.

Likewise, as it was Ramadan (the fasting month), non Muslims were not allowed to eat or drink in public. Yes, even if you were not a Muslim, you were not allowed to consume food in public out of consideration of those Muslims who were fasting. May I remind you that this is the Middle East in the height of the summer, there were moments when I was dying for a drink of water as it was so ridiculously hot. But again, would I risk offending the locals by ignoring their local culture? No, it just wasn't worth it. I didn't want to get into trouble and ruin my holiday thus.

Thus I am puzzled that this American couple thought they could be openly affectionate in public in Singapore - but in any case, I would have hoped that Singaporeans would have reacted in a more mature manner. The Americans should have known better but there's no justification in the outpouring of homophobic and racist abuse that these Americans are suffering right now in social media. That just makes Singapore look like a pretty scary, racist and homophobic place to the rest of the world - tut tut. It is pretty disgraceful, really.

So there you go, those are my thoughts on the issue. Any questions, please leave a comment below. Thanks!

That's me in Oman - yes my knees were covered.