Q: Can you be proud of someone if you don't understand what they do?

Hi guys, my regular readers will know that I am normally very opinionated but right now I am at a loss and am asking you for your opinions please. This concerns something that arose whilst I was in Singapore earlier this month and it has really been bothering me since despite having had a long conversation with my siblings about the issue. I spoke to an American friend briefly about it at diving practice last night, but he didn't have much to say about the issue (he just gave me a listening ear) - so I thought I'd ask my readers for your opinion and help please.

So whilst I was in Singapore, I went with my parents to visit an elderly relative. My mother tried to explain to this relative what job I did in England and she totally misrepresented the whole situation so badly. Like she wasn't even close. Okay, I really don't give a shit what this relative thinks I do in England, but I was really upset by the way my mother's summary of my career was so wide of the mark... it was one of those moments when I was so aghast I was lost for words. How can my own mother not know what I do for a living? Does she not take an interest in her own son?

My mother doesn't understand how I balance two careers (yes it's me in the photo)

I do call my parents up a few times a month to tell them what I get up you and they usually listen patiently as I give them details of what I do career-wise, especially since I am working concurrently in two very different industries. My mother usually doesn't say much in response apart from things like, "that sounds good" or "will that keep you busy?" You know, fairly generic responses. Never once did she say, "I don't understand" or anything to indicate that she totally doesn't get what I do. It was only when I witnessed that conversation she had with our relative that it dawned on me that my mother really doesn't understand what I do for a living at all - and that hurts.

Why does it hurt so bad? It is because if she doesn't know or understand what I do for a living, she wouldn't be able to appreciate what I have achieved so far.  By that token, how could she possibly be proud of me, if she doesn't know/understand what I have achieved? Gosh, sometimes I do feel that my regular blog readers actually understand me than my own parents. Maybe there's still a small part of me somewhere that still craves her approval, but now I realized I can't get it because she is an old woman who doesn't understand what goes on in the modern world. Now that sucks - knowing that your mother can't be proud of you no matter what you achieve unless she can understand it on her terms and my mother is a retired primary school teacher who has totally lost touch with the modern world.

Do all children naturally crave their parents' approval?

This is why she is so obsessed with caring for my autistic nephew who is ten years old - you see, she knows her way around a PSLE syllabus as a retired teacher, so she has no problems taking charge of the situation when it comes to my nephew. (Don't get me wrong - she does a good job of it.) She takes such a keen interest and can monitor every aspect of his education - whereas in my case, I don't know if she is simply completely disinterested in what the hell I do or if she has tried but cannot understand. Why didn't she ever say "I don't understand what you're saying"? Or has she forgotten everything I've told her? I don't know, it got me very depressed.

I spoke to my two sisters and they were like, "what were you expecting lah, aiyoh. She has no idea what the hell we do either, how do you expect her to understand what you do when she is an old woman? Have you forgotten how old she is?" One of my sisters is head of social media at her organization (she has a big stack of Wired magazines in her room) and my mother isn't on the internet at all, she has no idea what social media is, doesn't know what Facebook or Twitter is and can barely use a mobile phone. Needless to say, my mother also has no clue what my sister does at work. Same situation with my other sister and they just accept that my mother is an old woman who will not understand certain things and they just accept the way things are - and they told me to accept things I can't change.

I suppose my parents can understand really straight forward jobs, especially if it existed in the 1970s or 1980s - Tom is a pilot, he flies a plane for Singapore Airlines. Meiying is a nurse, she works at Tan Tock Seng hospital. Ahmad is a chef, he cooks at this restaurant in Bukit Timah. Indira is a seamstress, she makes beautiful dresses for women. Mrs Goh is a cashier, she works at the local supermarket. Mr Ang cooks and sells Bak Kut Teh at the hawker centre in Ang Mo Kio. Anything more complex or modern, they will struggle to comprehend. 

I have a memory of a conversation I witnessed when I was about around 12. We were in my late grandmother's flat in Bukit Batok and my mother had taken my grandmother to see the doctor earlier and my grandmother wanted to know what the Indian doctor had said to my mother in English. My mother said to my grandmother (in Hokkien) the equivalent of, "just take your medicine lah, you won't understand even if I explained it to you." My grandmother was not happy with that answer but she didn't argue with my mother. I didn't like what my mother had done but I didn't have the Hokkien language skills to do the translation my Hokkien-speaking grandmother wanted. Now I feel I am in the same situation, with my sister telling me, "just leave it lah, she won't understand even if you explained it to her." Sigh.

It is frustrating. I see my friends who are able to talk to their parents about all kinds of things in the world and their parents can understand and offer intelligent responses. My dad likes to talk a lot about the past now - he would tell me, "你还记得当你小的时候..." And he would dig up some episode that happened in the mid 1980s and I would be wrecking my brains to try to remember what he was talking about. I really can't remember half the stuff he brings up and the other half of the stuff I can barely remember. Sometimes I lie and pretend I remember, just to go along with it. His long term memory is good, he can remember stuff from the 1960s, 1970s and 1980s but he can't remember much about what I have told him about my career over the last few years - so for my dad, it is his memory that is failing with his age, so I don't expect him to know or understand what I do for a living.

So there you go, I have parents who do not know what I do for a living. Isn't it ironic, don't you think? I have two pushy Singaporean parents who ruthlessly bludgeoned me through the Singaporean education to produce a triple scholar whose academic record was every Singaporean parents' wet dream (I must credit writer Tan Hwee Hwee with that quote - you must read her books) but at the end of the day, they can't even be proud of what I have achieved in my adult life because they don't and can't understand what I do? Go figure. Sigh.

I was ruthlessly bludgeoned through the Singapore education system.

Do you think it is possible for my parents to be proud of me even if they do not understand what it is I do? Is it possible to be proud of someone that way or is that just... impossible as you can't feel pride without knowing what you're proud of? Do your parents know what you do for a living? Have you found yourself in my position before? How can we resolve this huge generation gap? What can I do to try to bridge this gap? Please leave a comment below, many thanks.