University Season Part 1: Making New Friends

OK, instead of doing it in a structured manner, I am going to simply deal with just one issue in depth at a time and keep these posts rather short, so you can digest it fairly quickly and easily, okay? I am going to start with the first question from Mr YS Ong: "I'd very much like to hear how you integrated so well with the locals. I've lived in Sg my whole life and I do not want to end up forming a ghetto with the Asians/Sg'ians in Cardiff!"

It is probably a lot easier for you as a student to integrated than say someone who goes to work in Cardiff. I don't know which university you're going to (there's more than one in Cardiff) but let's look at Cardiff University's student union website for starters. At a glance, I see 150 different societies from Amnesty International to Breakdance to Computer Gaming, over 60 sports clubs from karate to rugby to snowsports and four media channels dedicated to bringing you information on all these activities. You will be spoilt for choice in terms of what you can choose from.

Now I am sure you already have your hobbies and interests and there will definitely be something for you in your university that will suit your interests. You will definitely be able to continue pursuing exactly the same interests as you currently do in Singapore - but you could also take the opportunity to try discovering something new, the choice is yours. When you do pick an activity you are interested in, you will definitely meet other people you will click with because you already have that common interest - those are the people you will most likely become good friends with.

Limpeh made great friends at my university's gymnastics club. 

As for the people on your course, well you may or may not get along with them - but guess what? It doesn't matter. I think many people make the mistake and imagine that it is some kind of popularity contest and that they somehow must please everyone. Hell no. There will be people you get along very well with, there will be people whom you have absolutely nothing in common with and there will be everything in between those two extremes. Guess what? How is that different from your life in JC? It isn't, let me tell you that.

Whilst we're thinking about your JC, I want you to think about the people you disliked in your JC. Maybe they weren't your enemies per se, but I am sure you can think of students you disliked in your JC. Guess what? They could well end up in Cardiff with you, would you like them any more if you met them in Cardiff instead of your old JC? No, is the answer.

Gosh, my friend, do you know why I have stopped using those Singaporean forums? (I used to frequent them.) People attack each other there and not even in a very intelligent way. They rip each other apart in a manner which is often extremely crude, vulgar and often downright libellous! This was very well illustrated in the Xiaxue case when she decided enough is enough, I am going to give those haters a taste of their own medicine. The bottom line is this: there is no guarantee that Singaporeans will get along with each other. Given the slightest provocation, Singaporeans will get into a shouting match, insult each other in public and it can get downright ugly, such as in the MRT aunty vs Ah Lian case. Ooh, let's watch this video again, shall we?

 

I can understand if you are worried that you may struggle to make new friends if you are very shy - but to imagine that you will only get along with Singaporeans or Asians? Alamak.. Don't even go there. Please. Berhenti! Stop! Big mistake! Where do I even begin to tell you how wrong that is? Singaporeans do NOT, I repeat do NOT get along with each other just because they are from the same country lah, tolong lah!

Let me use a story from NUS - this is a story about my friend Sandy who went to NUS and she got into such a big fight with her fellow students. It's a long story but it centres around a group work project: there were four of them in the group and Sandy was very pissed off that this other girl (let's call her Tanya) was not pulling her weight. She was always making excuses when real work needed to be done. Sandy wanted to go to her tutor to complain about Tanya but decided to consult the other two in the group first. One of the other girls, let's call her Kay Poh, decided to be nice and warn Tanya to pull her weight and nip this in the bud. What did Tanya do? She went to the tutor and launched a counter attack before Sandy could make her complaint: Tanya claimed that Sandy was a bully and impossible to work with - Tanya claimed that Sandy's abrasive character made any kind of group work possible and that they were not going to meet the deadline - and it was entirely Sandy's fault. That Tanya was very good at 'wayang' and was crying in the tutor's office, so the tutor came down on Sandy like a ton of bricks and didn't believe Sandy's side of the story. Needless to say, it got very public and ugly - Tanya and Sandy had a mega-huge shouting match which resulted in a fight and the two fighting women had to be separated by their friends lest they do some serious damage to each other. 

Take that you devious snake in the grass!

Need I go on? Oh Singaporeans will not hesitate to insult, attack and hurt each other - so please lah, pick nice people to be your friends, choose them on the basis of their nice characters and personalities, not their nationalities. And tolong hor, Limpeh repeat, don't assume that you will get along with another Singaporean you meet in Cardiff - skarli that person turns out to be another Tanya and stabs you in the back. You've been through NS, well read this story about how some Singaporean friends happily stabbed each other in the back during NS.

Let's establish two facts about our friends in Singapore. Firstly, we don't make random friends in Singapore - just because I grew up in Ang Mo Kio didn't mean that I could grab random strangers at AMK Hub or Ang Mo Kio MRT station and expect to become their friends. Hell no. Making friends is far more complex than choosing someone from your home town and come on, you know that. Secondly, Singapore is a multi-ethnic, multi-cultural society. I see from your surname you're Chinese - when you were at school or during NS, did you ever pause to think for a second, "I can't possibly be his/her friend, s/he is Indian/Malay/of different ethnicity." No way! What is far more likely to happen is something like this, "I can't possibly be her friend, she's a total bitch!" Or "I can't possibly be his friend, he has body odour and I can't his stench." You get the idea. I'd like to believe that at least for most of us in Singapore, we're quite enlightened about not prejudging people by their ethnicity (I refuse to use the word 'race', I prefer the word 'ethnicity'.) You should never like or dislike someone on the basis of his/her skin colour - we call that racism. 

Making new friends in Cardiff Bay!

Now, here in the UK, you do find PRC students keeping very much to themselves and not integrating - the reason is because they struggle with English and you will spot them in campus, chatting to each other in Mandarin rather loudly. However, as you are Singaporean, you will not have a language barrier. You speak English well enough for you to enjoy social interaction with your British peers. I think you underestimate how good your English is!

I know you are concerned that you sound quite Singaporean when you speak English and you are probably concerned about how this may impact on your social interaction at university. Let me first dispel some myths. Please note that I am speaking mostly from personal experience so if your personal experiences don't match mine, then just listen to me as if I am telling you a story okay? Now I have extremely racist parents. Oh my parents hate white people so much, especially my dad. Not only does he hate white people, he assumes (wrongly) that white people hate Asian people as much as hates them. So he would always assume that white people would look down on Asian people and use any excuse (eg. our accent) to make fun of us and treat us in a racist manner.

Now if you have some older racist person in your life feeding you racist lies like that, then please follow my instructions. Do not agree or disagree with them - simply acknowledge the way they feel and do not engage them on the issue but assure them that you are an adult and know how to deal with whatever circumstances you may be faced with in the UK. Ask yourself this: this person trying to give you advice on white people - what does he know about the issue? Does he have white friends? Has he spent time abroad? Has he really ever interacted with white people? I once had a really confrontational argument with my dad when I went out of my way to discredit him because I felt his racism was unjustified and it was like... okay, I won the argument at the end of the day but in having to discredit my father as a racist, I felt I had been disrespectful as a son.

Can you move beyond a person's skin colour?

Just in case you do have an older racist person feeding you lies, let me offer you my opinion on the issue. No, white people are definitely NOT racist. Let me state that categorically, British people are not racist - but they will hate you if you're not a nice person. They will hate anyone who are selfish, obnoxious, rude, crude, annoying, loud, ignorant, arrogant, conceited, insensitive, unkind, insolent, tactless, pushy, nosy, inconsiderate, boorish and unkind - that includes white, black and Asian people who possess any of those negative traits. I so fucking hate it when some obnoxious asshole plays the race card and claims that s/he is a victim of racism when s/he is hated not for his/her skin colour, but really for being an obnoxious asshole. Are there Chinese people who are hated by white people? Of course - but in most cases, they deserve it (eg. obnoxious PRC assholes - you know the kind I am talking about).

So yes, please be careful about whose advice you listen to on this issue as sadly, many people may have good intentions but no knowledge on the issue - it doesn't stop them from offering their "opinions" (however untrue and unreliable) as "advice". In a respectful manner, politely thank them for their kind intentions and assure them you will be fine but at the same time, remind yourself that they are talking bullshit and have no freaking clue what the hell they are talking about.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, let me deal with the issue of your Singaporean accent. A university tends to attract not just students, but staff from all over the world. You will be in a very international environment where you will be surrounded with a mix of accents - so when you are in a tutorial, chances are if there are ten people, you could well have seven or eight, even ten different accents in there! Is this any different from Singapore? If you have ten Singaporeans in a room, you can still get a big range of accents depending on their ethnicity, background, education etc. But the fact that everyone is speaking English means that you can still understand each other and communicate effectively.

 

You may find the local South Welsh accent quite a bit of a shock to the system - depending on whom you speak to, it can be quite strong. There is even Wenglish - the Welsh version of English - which is a mix of Welsh and English! Though the fact that you are Chinese will mean that the locals will not use Wenglish with you, the same way you will automatically default to standard English when speaking to a foreigner in Singapore and not use Singlish. Check out Welsh comedian Rhod Gilbert - he is from Camarthen in South Wales and his accent is pretty much what you can expect from the locals. But then again, at your university, you will be exposed to accents from all over the UK (and all over the world for that matter).

If you really want to do one thing to improve the way you speak to be understood better, please do my lesson on the TH diagraph. You see, especially in Wales, because of the influence of the Welsh language, the TH diagraph very heavily featured in place names. I'm sorry to say this but 99+% of Singaporeans are incapable of making the TH diagraph sound and because 99+% of Singaporeans (including some newscasters) make the same mistake, it becomes common and natural to mispronounce the TH diagraph in Singapore. That's okay in Singapore but not in Wales, where people may struggle to understand where you want to go if you do not pronounce the place names correctly. This is probably not the place for me to start teaching you how to pronounce place names in Wales (where do I begin) but just bear in mind that despite using the same alphabet as English, the letters in Welsh are pronounced very, very differently and trying to read them using English rules (with a Singaporean accent) may result in the locals saying, "Sorry, where do you want to go?" It's bad enough that Welsh place names are confusing - so do spend a few minutes doing my lesson on TH and just get that out of the way once and for all.

 

How different is it? Let me use an example that first let you understand what it is like trying to read words from another language using the wrong rules. I was in the China Eastern London office a few years ago trying to sort my flights to China when there was an English lady trying to get a flight and the two PRC ladies working there couldn't understand her. "I want to go to Gwang Zoo in China," the English lady said.

One receptionist turned to the other and said, "她要去哪里的动物园?" (Which zoo does she want to go to?)

As the receptionist started looking up a list of zoos in China on google, I asked the Chinese lady, "Excuse me, this Gwang Zoo you wish to go to, is it spelt G-U-A-N-G-Z-H-O-U?"

The English lady said, "Yes, that's right!" triumphantly turned to the PRC receptionists and said, "她要去广州!" (She wants to go to Guangzhou!)

The PRC ladies then said, "Oh. Why didn't you say so? I thought you wished to go to the zoo to see pandas."

 

Okay, you see my point - if you have no concept of hanyupinyin, then you would probably pronounce Guangzhou as "Gwang Zoo".

Back to Welsh - the names are notoriously long and are often not pronounced the way they're spelt. So please be aware of that and when you hear a local say a place name, make a mental note of it and try to copy it as closely as possible. I am going to visit this place in North Wales in August, the famous town: Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

Now you are coming to the UK to study medicine, but hey, whilst you're here, why not improve your English? I remember how I improved my Mandarin a lot whilst working with PRCs and everyone in Singapore was congratulating me on how I managed to show such remarkable improvement - so whilst you're here in the UK, why not improve your English? Listen, I am 36 and I just spent over an hour studying Welsh tonight. As the saying goes, 活到老学到老 - the learning never stops and you can always improve yourself. Whilst you won't be expected to learn Welsh whilst in Cardiff (it's spoken by a very small minority anyway there), you can at least improve your English whilst you're there - but please don't end up speaking like Rhod Gilbert. Tolong hor. And get this: Rhod Gilbert doesn't even freaking speak Welsh. He has such a thick Welsh accent and he doesn't speak Welsh?! Go figure. 

 

The bottom line when it comes to making friends is this: the good news is that the rules are exactly the same whether you're in Cardiff or Clementi, Wales or Woodlands, Britain or Bedok. Let's go back to basics and talk about friendship. Do you know what it takes to be a good friend? Think about it. Are you the kind of person who would be there for your friends? If you are a good person who will be a good friend, then you have nothing to fear at university.

Now I am asking you to trust me on this one okay? Limpeh is an older man, I've done a lot of things in my life time but most importantly, I speak many languages and have lived in many countries. One thing I have discovered from my experiences is that once you get past the superficial differences of skin colour, language and religion, guess what? We share so much more in common - we have far more in common than differences. I suppose this is only something you can discover once you are able to break through those language barriers and make friends with people of different nationalities, from all over the world. Now someone like my dad, because doesn't speak English, he will always view white people like aliens and sadly people like him will always focus on the (small) differences rather than the things we share in common, our shared humanity. I am inviting you to join in me appreciating our shared humanity like me, rather than go down my dad's path and only look at the differences. I'm not going to challenge him as he is an old man in his 70s very set in his ways, but goodness me, you're so young - you're much younger than me, yet you seem to think like an old man in his 70s? Come on man, open your eyes. 

Can you see the world with modern eyes?

So just to recap: look up your university's website and check out all the clubs and societies they have and make sure you identify a few that you are interested in. Check out a few during freshers' week (aka orientation week or welcome week) and make sure you commit to at least one. Trust me, you will make much better friends through these activities than with the people on your course. You'll get used to the wide range of accents soon enough - and please, just trust me on this. Once you spend some time with white people, you will soon appreciate this shared humanity that I talk about. Apart from that, well, we're back to basics about friendship and the rules are exactly the same all over the world. 

Be a nice person, be kind, thoughtful, considerate, sensitive, be interested in others and most of all, don't make any assumptions - treat each person as an individual, get to know them and let them get to know you. And remember, it's not a popularity contest. You're bound to meet some people you don't like - when you do, just shrug your shoulders and say 'meh' and move on - it's not a popularity contest. There are some people who don't want to be your friend for whatever reason, just leave them alone and focus on those who will be nice to you. OK I've written plenty, let me know what you think and let's talk about this. And if you are at university or have been to university, why don't you share your experiences here?

Update: Part 2 is ready! http://limpehft.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/university-season-part-2-great.html