Meet Debbie, the polite waitress from Orlando

Hi there, I'd like to address an issue that was inspired by two recent unrelated events. Firstly, I had described my relationship with my parents now to be 'cold and distant' in a recent post and Amanda had asked me if it wasn't already cold and distant before I stopped talking to them (we last spoke in January this year and it is now April), then what was it before? The second event was a weird phone call that I had listened in on - it was my husband's birthday so his brother called him up to wish him happy birthday. His brother lives in a different part of England and they barely talk, we last saw him in the summer of 2021 and phone calls only happen twice a year: on birthdays and Christmas. It was a weird phone call and they somehow got onto the topic of politics - let's just say my husband and his brother are quite different when it comes to their political views and whilst they didn't exactly argue, I could see my husband totally not enjoying that conversation at all as it became increasingly clear just how different their perspectives are. I had to step in and yell, "dinner's ready, come and help me take the salad out!" just to put an end to that really awkward conversation before it descended into outright hostility. But yeah, that's why my husband barely keeps in touch with his brother, they really have very little in common despite being siblings and even a seemingly harmless phone call to say "happy birthday" could go awry like that. I didn't agree with his brother either but I saw no point in getting into an argument. I'd rather just put an end to that very awkward conversation, knowing that they probably wouldn't speak to each other again until on or around Christmas and that is eight months away. So I'd like to use these two incidents to describe awkward family relationships. 

With your family, you can be cold and distant, or you could be warm and friendly, but then there is a third option actually and I call this the friendly American waitress option. In America, you are expected to tip your waiters in the restaurants and you would tip more if you had a really good experience. Hence you tend to get really good service in American restaurants compared to countries where tipping isn't part of the local culture. On my last trip to America, I remember seeing this waitress 'Debbie' (oh I am great at remembering details like that) at a restaurant in Orlando going from table to table, working her charm, being polite and helpful in order to earn her tips. So with us, she immediately picked up that we weren't American and so she made polite conversation about, "so what brings you to Orlando? How long are you staying here? How are you finding it here so far? Do you need any suggestions on where to visit next? Are you going down to Miami as well?" I enjoyed chatting with Debbie and you could tell she has this well-rehearsed routine she uses with all tourists; she didn't once talk about herself but kept coming up with questions about my holiday there as if she was genuinely interested and of course it works as people love talking about themselves. I then noticed that she was trying to do the same with a family at a different table, this family had young three children who were restless and simply didn't want to be there - the parents were exhausted and trying to control their children with little success. The parents and the children at that table were all quite rude with Debbie but she didn't lose her temper, she was there to serve and she kept her composure no matter how nasty they were to her. I suppose she was still hoping for them to leave her a decent tip at the end of the meal. I don't know if they did, I couldn't see from where I was sitting. Nonetheless, Debbie was just taking it all in her stride, as if it was the kind of thing that happened all the time in that restaurant and it was just part of her job. 

I can just imagine Debbie walking into the kitchen and saying to another member of staff, "I swear I could strangle those three kids on table 12, how do parents bring up little monsters like that, I have no idea. When I have kids of my own, I'll teach them how to behave in public." And she would then pick up a tray of food, put on a smile again as if it was a hat or apron that was part of her uniform and walk back into the restaurant ready to serve. Anyone who has ever worked in the service industry will be able to relate to that story of course and even if it's not something you've done before, I'm sure you would be able to empathize with Debbie in this case. Hence Debbie wasn't "cold and distant" when she engaged with the customers of the restaurant, she came across as charming and friendly. But was she warm and friendly? Was there any sincerity on her part or was it just all done in the name of customer service? No, she was doing it just to earn money. I would compare my previous interactions with my parents to what Debbie does for a living in that restaurant - I would try to be nice, like if I went to visit them in Singapore, I would show up with gifts from London, I would make polite small talk and I will try to be on my best behaviour to make sure that my time with them in Singapore will be pleasant rather than full of fights and arguments. Do I enjoy that process? Hell no, I don't, it is a miserable process for me - think about what Debbie went through with those nasty family. The mother ordered water for her children but when served water, one of the boys screamed, "I don't want water, I want a coke now!" He then threw that glass of water at Debbie and she smiled and said to the boy, "it's okay, I'll just clean this up and if it's okay with your mother, then I'll bring you a coke alright?" The mother didn't even apologize for her son's atrocious behaviour and there was a sense of, "you are just a waitress so you know it is your job to deal with crap like that for work." Imagine how Debbie must feel at times like that. 

Thus in the past, I have gone into 'Debbie the American Waitress' mode when I am with my parents, I would be on my best behaviour, pretend to be happy to see them when no, I am not. But the again, am I the only person who feels that way? Hardly, no. I just looked at the way my husband had that awkward conversation with his brother last night and I remember that look of relief on his face when he finally ended that call, like, "phew, now I don't have to speak to my brother until at least Christmas." That must be how Debbie must feel when that nasty family finally leave the restaurant at the end of their meal. We get to choose our friends but we don't get to choose our family - the same way Debbie the waitress has no control over the customers she has to serve at that restaurant. She just shows up for work hoping for the best whilst expecting the worst. Thus I only go into 'Debbie' mode when I am with my parents in Singapore for a short break, there's only so much of their crap I can take since they behave so badly. But because I want to visit Singapore to see other members of my family like my sisters, my nephew, my brother in law as well as many old friends, I still go to Singapore but it would be impossible to totally avoid my parents whilst I am there. So I simply put on a brave face and allow them to behave really badly, knowing it is only for a very limited period of time. I remember this massive fight I had with my father, my mother was really nasty to my sister and I scolded my mother for it. My father just wouldn't back down as he said it wasn't right for me to scold my mother no matter what she had done. Did my sister thank me for standing up for her? No, she didn't. She said that she only wanted to vent her anger by telling me what happened, she didn't ask me to stir up any more trouble by confronting our parents about how they behaved and she wished I hadn't done that. At which point I thought, fuck this no way; no I just can't go into the Debbie the Waitress mode with such a fucked up family. 

The argument I had with my father represents a different kind of relationship, one that is outright hostile and antagonistic. I don't like that, I most certainly don't want that - but if having a relationship based on love is not available since there was never any love to begin with, I'd settle for having a cold and distant relationship with my father as that's the 'least bad' option on the table. My sisters are clearly willing to go into Debbie mode when they are with my parents and they do that out of a sense of duty to play the part of the filial Asian child, despite the fact that my parents have gone out of their way to be horrible to the both of them. In fact, that was the kind of argument that defined the relationship that my husband's brother's relationship with his late mother - they would often argue with each other to the point where it descended into ugly shouting matches. His brother then left home at the age of 18 and then became very distant from his parents - he didn't even bother visiting his mother in hospital when she was very ill and about to pass away. There was a sense of, "oh what's the point, we never got along, if I went there to see her now, what are we going to resolve now?  It might only upset her even more to remind her that this was a part of her life where she had fucked up badly. No, It is better just to let her pass away peacefully without thinking about this." In fact my father already has one hostile and antagonistic relationship in his life - he fights with my mother all the time because she is intent on punishing him for being a bad husband who has disappointed her. Sometimes he lets her gets away with it, sometime he pushes back and they then enter combat mode. My mother's attitude is illogical - if she hates him so much, if he has been such a bad husband, she should cut her losses and divorce him instead of trying to punish him for what he has done, as if he would change his ways. But the more she punishes him by being so nasty to him, the more pain she causes him, the less of an incentive he has to become a better husband to a wife who already treats him badly and that's why they hate each other. 

Therefore I would like to summarize the four types of parent-child relationships there are out there. 

1. The ideal warm and friendly relationship, defined by abundant mutual love and respect. 

2. The cold and distant relationship, where the parties barely talk but at least there is peace. 

3. The hostile and antagonistic relationship, where defined by mutual hatred and arguments. 

4. The "Debbie the very polite American waitress" relationship, otherwise known as an abusive relationship whereby one party very selfishly abuses the other and the victim still wants to be as nice and kind as possible. 

I have friends who enjoy a type 1 relationship with their parents; lucky them, good for them. I have a type 2 relationship with my parents now and that was the kind of relationship my husband had with his parents when they were alive. Examples of type 3 would be my husband's brother and his mother, as the two of them constantly fought and argued when they were younger or it could even be my parents today as they are still fighting constantly. Finally, type 4 is the kind of relationship that my sisters have with my parents today and I really don't know what they get out of it. I have two explanations for their choice in this matter: firstly, they are so culturally Asian that they are brainwashed into believing that it is their moral duty to be 'Debbie' regardless of how badly my parents treat them. Secondly, since my sisters work such long hours, they don't have enough time to expand their social networks to find nice people to be their friends, thus they default to spending time with their family rather than partaking in new social activities to meet nicer, likeminded people. I can rank these four types of relationships - so the best one would be type 1, where everything is perfect. In second place like type 2, where at least there is peace, even if that peace is a direct product of minimizing (or totally eliminating) contact. Then I think type 3 is at least a bit more bearable as there is room for honesty - if you hate your mother, you can just tell her exactly what you think and your mother will at least know how you feel. The worst type of relationship must be the type 4 relationship as poor Debbie cannot just tell those badly behaved customers what she thinks of them; instead, she has to force herself to smile and remain friendly with them no matter how much anger or hatred she feels. At least in a type 3 relationship, you can just express yourself freely whilst in a type 4 relationship, you are forced to censor yourself and you have to bottle up your frustrations - that is why I think a type 4 relationship is the very worst kind we must avoid. 

Actually Debbie isn't even the worst example of someone in a type 4 relationship - there's this guy I have dealt with through work in the past, let's call him DC. I can't put this delicately: DC is very fat and that doesn't stop him from wanting to have sex with hot women, he just has to pay for it. So there was  evening after we had finished our meeting, I innocently said to him, "well I am off to gymnastics now, so do you have any plans for the evening?" He then told me how he was looking forward to visiting his favourite prostitute who this young Brazilian lady who was very skinny, he even showed me a photo of her on his phone and I instantly felt sorry for her. Good grief, having sex with someone like DC must be one of the worst ways to earn a living in London. I couldn't resist asking him how much he would pay that Brazilian lady and he gave a complex answer, "it depends on what she does, how long it takes and if I am in a good mood, I'll add a nice tip on top of that." But it suffices to say that at least DC does pay her quite well for her services and as nasty as the experience must be, she is earning good money. There are plenty of people out there who do horrible things to earn money and we can discuss the morality of the situation another time, but at least it it is clear why this Brazilian prostitute is happy to meet DC for sex as he is a customer who is very generous with her. But children who find themselves in this situation usually get little or nothing from their parents - which is the case with my two sisters and that's a really terrible situation. Why would you subject yourself to such an ordeal when there's little or not reward at the end of that process? You don't need to be an investment banker to realize that it is a very bad deal and whilst my two sisters are seemingly well-educated adults, they seem to be quite willing to accept this really bad deal in playing the role of 'Debbie the waitress' with my parents - therefore I have two theories as to why this happens in a place like Singapore. 

My first theory is one that is only too familiar: Asian children have a sense of duty to take care of their parents and this is deeply ingrained in their culture. Thus they are socially conditioned to want to take care of their parents as they fear the judgment of society, should their actions be deemed to fall short of what is expected of them as good Asian children. So they are putting themselves in this position not because they are expecting some kind of reward, but they believe that the punishment for not doing it would be worse. That's not necessarily true of course - in my case, I'm the bad son who has ran away from the duty of taking care of my parents but are the relatives talking about me, condemning my actions and saying horrible things behind my back? Actually no, they are too busy with their own lives, their own careers, their own families and their own problems to pass judgment on me; and even if they really want to judge and condemn me (which for the record, they have not done so yet), I don't really mind or care either way - it doesn't affect me. My second theory is that my sisters work such long hours every single week that they simply don't have enough time to have a proper social life - they have no time to meet friends, pursue their hobbies and interests, do sports or take nice holidays. No, sadly they have so little free time and thus have not built up a sufficiently large network of friends and in place of that, they simply default to spending time with their family given that so many Singaporeans end up doing just that for the very same reason and if everyone is doing the same thing, then it's easy to look around and think, "if my friends in Singapore are all doing this, then this must be totally normal as I am just doing what everyone else is doing." I do wonder how bad things must become before such people get jolted out of their comfort zone and start asking themselves if they deserve better. 

That's it from me on this topic, what do you think? Of the four types of parent-child relationship, what kind do you have? Of course we want a type 1 relationship but if that's simply not possible, then what is the best alternative to it apart from the other three that I have described? Is there an alternative model that I have yet to consider, one that doesn't fit into one of those four categories? Is there a middle ground between types 1 and 2, like if the parents are not particularly evil or nasty but just bland and boring, the kids don't hate their parents at all but are not that warm with them, so their relationship is just categorized as one that is dull and vapid, devoid of love but also without any conflict. Is there a middle ground that I have yet to cover? Leave a comment below and let me know what your thoughts, many thanks for reading.